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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | Days of Our Lives Week in Review »

July 27, 2007

Night Shift Episode 3: Paternity Ward

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Jason was sentenced to mopping floors and wandering the hallways as community service for shooting Spinelli; Billy Dee Williams was creepy; Maxie was admitted to GH with a possibly life-threatening illness and bonded with Dr. Julian; Dr. Ford hated the human race; Stan hated corporate America and The Man; the writers found the concept of boobs to be absolutely LOL hilarious; Leyla was inappropriate with Patrick; the show decided to clumsily tackle serious racial issues; Sgt. Unsavory attacked Lainey, opened up to her and then asked her out for coffee; Kelly and Stan had some hot shower action; Clown Tapestry Lady made a reference to being stabbed by produce; _________ Barrett knows who Jason is; Patrick lost the "hotly" descriptor on account of being sleazy; the show sucked in myriad ways. 

And I had been really delighted by the pilot, clunkiness and Grey's Anatomy overtones aside. It's my own fault for being naive, you know? What on earth was I doing being optimistic about a show run by the same people currently ruining General Hospital? That's like tuning into According to Jim and earnestly looking for laughs. Foolish!


We open on a shot of the Port Charles skyline. I'm guessing that the show spent a lot of money on that bit of CGI, so we'll be seeing it all the time. The skyline itself is ginormous and makes Port Charles look like, I don't know, a bigger city than Boston. Except it only has one hotel. 'Kay. Dr. Archer is in bed with an oxygen tank, napping. I had no idea who he was at first. I don't think he was on the show previously in any sort of major way, but I remember him on the OG GH being all "Eli Love! Woo! High five!" to Noah, and he may have used finger guns unironically. His nap is cruelly interrupted by Leyla, who tells him that he has to, like, go do his job. I find Leyla to be very creepy. I don't know if she's supposed to be, or if it's the actress's perma glare or whatever, but there's something off about her. They "banter" about how casinos pump oxygen through the air conditioning or something, and Dr. Archer tells Leyla to call him Andy; I'm guessing that was supposed to be an awkward flirtation scene? It was awkward, so well played, show.

Patrick and Robin are hovering around the nurse's station. Patrick [redacted] complains that the drudgery of working the night shift is wasting his incredible talent. In case you've forgotten, Patrick is kind of arrogant. Leo walks up and informs him that Noah disagrees with how Patrick treated a patient. Patrick is enraged that his father would do something as inappropriate as messing with Patrick's patient, and that he wouldn't have done it to any other doctor. In case you've forgotten, Patrick has unresolved issues with his father. I really like how Patrick has been on the show for about two years and they've managed to give him exactly two personality traits.

A few feet away, Stan approaches Kelly from behind  (dirty!) and we're treated to one of those "We had sex! So, uh, where do we go from here?" scenes. I couldn't tell if he was hinting at another go or if he was trying to let her down gently, mostly because I was distracted by his hair. Kelly informs him that she'll be showering alone tonight (foreshadowing!) and will make sure to scrub the hard to reach places. Um...?

Elsewhere, Billy Dee Williams mocks Jason for his subpar janitor skills. He asks, "What do you do for a living when you're not shooting your friends in the foot?" Um, shoot people for profit? Duh. Jason responds (with a straight face, so big ups there, Steve Burton) that he's a coffee importer; Billy Dee Williams, while creepy, is no fool and he laughs hysterically at this blatant lie.

Lulu and Spinelli enter the hospital. Spinelli spinellis about how the "ace of cyberspace needs to travel under a cloak of darkness" which makes zero sense whatsoever, and only serves to remind me about how awesome the last Harry Potter book was and that I should really be rereading that instead of watching anything GH related. Anyway, Spinelli is acting incredibly macho to impress Jolene, and introduces Lulu as his girlfriend. Lulu grimaces.

Clown Tapestry Lady (Real name: Mrs. Storch) is still working on her horrific clown needlepoint in the waiting area of the ER, where Robin once again starts to help her and then abruptly leaves to go tend to the victim of a car crash, who was just rushed in on a gurney. Doctors, paramedics and nurses run around the ER, shouting medical terms with their best "Must save lives!" faces on.

________ Barrett is still mummified, and is being examined by Jolene. Jolene, in her dopey, vacant and yet sort of cute way (I think these bizarre positive feelings are coming from her adorable braid) informs ________ Barrett that she's getting better every day. ________ asks what happened. Jolene babbles that it's still a big mystery, and it could have been an accident, but, you know, mercury is in retrograde because things have been really weird lately (foreshadowing!). Wow, my like of Jolene lasted a whole four seconds. The phrase "mercury is in retrograde" makes my teeth itch.

Elsewhere, Spinelli and Lulu wait for the Angel of Mercy Jolene to examine Spinelli. He excitedly tells Lulu that Jolene is "gonna check [his] vitals" in a way that suggests that he hopes with all of his little stoner heart that that is a euphemism for something dirty. This subplot sure is wacky! Because Spinelli liks Jolene, see? And it makes him all zany and awkward. Or at least more awkward than usual.

Hey, Liz! Welcome to the night shift [, bitch]! Becky Herbst, if you can believe it, looks even more gorgeous right now than she does on regular General Hospital. This alternate universe has some awesome skincare products and shampoo. She still needs to gain some weight, but her face is absolutely flawless.


I say that in a completely non-creepy way, honest.

Jason freaks out like any doting dad would, wondering why Jake is in the ER. Liz assures Jason that the baby's fine. The baby who is now playing Jake on this show is completely adorable, by the way, if ten times larger than the Jake on GH. Poor Jake has an ear infection, and Liz needed to bring him to the emergency room...at night...to get a prescription. I hope Cam's okay! Although, really, even if he wasn't, nobody would notice, not when the Jason Spawn is around. Liz would give Cam a twenty and tell him to go to the hospital himself if he's really that sick.

Epiphany comes over, blustering loudly, that all hands are needed on deck and that Liz needs to scrub in immediately. Liz is completely apologetic and says she knows it's a lot to ask, but could Jason possibly babysit? I agree, that is a lot to ask. Now, I consulted Miss Manners to see how one is supposed to interact with one's baby daddy after asking him to relinquish the opportunity to be the child's father. Surprisingly, there was not a chapter about that. But if there was, I'm guessing it would tell the mother not to continually have the baby in his orbit! Pictures, and babysitting jaunts aren't really going to help him deal with the pain of not being able to raise his child.

Jason happily agrees to watch the baby, who is still staring adorably around the set. Liz says that everything he needs (formula, diapers, binky) are in the baby bag, and she runs off to into surgery. Billy Dee Williams is creepily watching this scene from afar.

(I know it seems like I get creeped out really easily, but, seriously: why are they writing Billy Dee Williams this way? I don't understand. The creepy staring is better than the pervy laughter and elevator button pushing, but only just)

Patrick [redacted] yells off a bunch of medical sounding terms to Leyla and then, I think, watches her walk away. Ew, Patrick! Robin is examining the victim of the car crash, who won't talk to her. When Patrick resumes the examination, the kid answers with snarly one word responses and surlily says that all of the pertinent information is on his driver's license. Patrick learns that the kid has a Porsche. Patrick had one too, and the chicks love it. Oh, gag me with a spoon.

Regina sweetly talks to Clown Tapestry Lady and is rudely interrupted by Sgt. Unsavory, who screams at her. Those wacky vets and their mental issues! LOLOL! What does GH have against the military? Every veteran they've introduced lately has been batshit crazy: Connor (I'm sorry for bringing up memories of that horrific story), Coop (gorgeous and now adorable but, you know, was a mercenary a few months ago), Logan (brutally hot, but prone to fits of rage) and now Sgt. Unsavory. Because Jason is Christ-like, he intervenes before Sgt. Unsavory can do anything or scare Regina any more. Lainey arrives and says she'll deal with Sgt. Unsavory, while Epiphany wheels Jake's stroller over and tells Jason that he needs to be changed. Wacky!

Sgt. Unsavory has brought coffee for Lainey in a callback to last week's episode. She's incredibly cold to him and throws the coffee out, which is understandable because, you know, he assaulted her last week. She thinks that he got drugs from a drug dealer and he channels every guest on Maury's My Daughter is a Whore episode and busts out a "You don't know me! You don't know my life!" Lainey says he'll need to get a thorough exam done; he skeevily lies down and says she can do it. I love it when guys who were inappropriately violent with someone one week flirt with them the next.

Clown Tapestry lady discusses her hatred of vegetables with Leo and Regina, who explains that she got hurt while cutting broccoli. She starts to hack up one of her lungs, and informs us all that she only has the money to pay for pain pills, not antibiotics. Somewhere, Dr. Ford and Ms. Sneed are stroking out and they don't know why, but they know poor people are involved somehow. Leo is aghast: she needs antibiotics, because her wound has become infected. Can I just say how adorably grandma Clown Tapestry Lady's outfit is? Capri pants and an oversized, flower print polo shirt.


Hee. Leo has to order x-rays on her, so that he can "keep those lazy slobs busy". The show has calmed down with the blatant Grey's Anatomy ripoffs, but I think he's supposed to be the McSteamy of the show. Less blisteringly hot, but full of contempt for everyone he comes into contact with.

Jason brings Jake to visit Clown Tapestry lately, who is still working on that horrific needlepoint. He formally introduces the two of them and she says, and I quote verbatim, "Aren't you a dreamboat? Taking care of babies, rescuing sexy old women...?" I honestly wonder if it's possible for them to glorify Jason more than they already do. They already devote 2/3 of every show to remarking upon his godlike qualities; the next logical step is episodes consisting solely of characters walking into the scene and telling the camera that Jason is perfect.

Jason shows Jake the clown tapestry that Clown Tapestry Lady is sewing and politely refers to it as a pretty picture. Clown Tapestry Lady sweetly says that Jake is going to be a ladykiller when he grows up. If he takes after his father, he will be a literal ladykiller (but only if the lady is bad, because Jason only kills bad people! How dare you imply that he's bad and deserves not to be a part of his son's life? You faithless bitches!)

Patrick [redacted] hears the mysterious melodious singing again and is set to investigate when Robin tells him that radiology is coming to discuss Jared. She obviously does not hear the dulcet tons of "When The Saints Go Marching In". Jared angrily tells Robin and Patrick that he doesn't want his parents informed of the accident, because he hates them, and if they come, he's going to leave.

Lainey and Sgt. Unsavory are having an informal session. Sgt. Unsavory apparently opened up about how his goldfish was murdered and led to a lifelong hatred of cats, his fly was unzipped during prom and he's had erotic dreams about Lainey. Where on earth are they going with this story? I feel violated on Lainey's behalf. She rolls her eyes and says he's lying and wasting her time. People with anger issues apparently don't like hearing that, and he gets in her face and screams at her, saying she's a cold bitch. Regina comes in to say that there's a call for Lainey about her father. Before she goes, Lainey tells Sgt. Unsavory to go to a VA hospital and says to enter a 12 step program.

Lainey then has a conversation about her father with, presumably, the staff at the nursing home he lives in  because of his Alzheimers. Gee, where have I seen that story before? Sgt. Unsavory comes up to her and again gets in her face. He is seriously disturbing. And why isn't Lainey calling security every time that Sgt. Unsavory come within ten feet of her?

Leo has Clown Tapestry Lady's x-rays and asks who they should call about her situation, which you know means it's serious. She has pneumonia, and she wonders if the broccoli caused this as well. It didn't. She'll need to stay in the hospital indefinitely. Before he leaves, Leo kisses her on the forehead. I've never gotten a kiss on the forehead from any doctor I've ever gone to! How disappointing. Clown Tapestry Lady needs her needlepoint, because the underprivileged orphaned lepers with missing limbs will be waiting for it. She hopes that the cute doctor will stop by again. Damn, she's randy! She'd fit right in on The Golden Girls. Regina leaves and drops a bunch of x-rays in the hallway, because she's an inept bumbler. Leyla creepily (I knew she was creepy!) enters Clown Tapestry Lady's room. Regina watches, concerned.

A little later, Stan approaches Regina and introduces himself, wondering if she wants to join his Anti-Capitalism strike. She politely declines. Billy Dee Williams comes out of nowhere, and he and Stan bond over their mutual love of man damning. Billy Dee has been sweeping flyers up all week, and has a nice laugh at Stan's expense. Stan confidently says that he won't give up just because the ruling class wants him to. Dude! Stan is that annoying college freshman who takes Philosophy 101 and then feels like he really UNDERSTANDS the way the world works and name drops Jeremy Bentham in every conversation and gets all condescending when you don't know or care what he's talking about, because, mentally, he's just on a different plane than you are and he's sorry, except not, that you're destined to live life fumbling and not understanding the intricacies of our world but he totally does, so suck it.

I'm sorry, I'm having tragic flashbacks of my Morality and Ethics class. I didn't know it had such a profound impact on me...

Anyhoo, Stan quotes Martin Luther King Jr. in a smarmy attempt to prove to Billy Dee that he's the most progressive person EVER. Billy Dee smoothly corrects him about the quote and tells him that he actually heard King say it. Over dinner. Stan rudely laughs and wonders how a janitor could pull off dinner with Martin Luther King. Much like his mother, Stan is a judgmental douchebag. Billy Dee laughs and calls him out on his hypocrisy, telling Stan, "spoken like a true member of the ruling class". Stan shrugs and acts like he didn't just totally get faced.

Patrick [redacted] introduces himself to Jared's parent. Jared's mom is sweet and supportive, but his dad is a raging asshole. Patrick explains that Jared is having an MRI done and is conscious, but uncooperative. Mean Dad has a rant about how Jared has a bad attitude, and is a useless, horrible person. Blustering like a fool, he says it would be an improvement if Jared were using drugs and alcohol as opposed to being generally sullen and disrespectful like every teenager ever. You know, I wonder if this scene of paternal anger will make Patrick appreciative of his father. Hmm. Mean Dad snarls that he wishes Jared could have a personality transplant. Patrick [redacted] says if such an operation could happen, the father would get one first. Jared's mom is milling about and has no reaction, I guess because this episode isn't called "Maternity Ward".

Elsewhere, Spinelli falls all over himself to get to Jolene and flirt with her. In just one sentence, he refers to "the fair Lulu", his "superhero status" and rescuing Lulu from "mob warlords". A little Spinell goes a long way, guys.

Leo and Kelly are hanging around, reading patient charts. She propositions him, and he politely asks to take a raincheck. She seems disturbed and confused that someone turned her down. Don't worry, Kelly, you had sex with Jerry Jacks today! Or did that not happen because it was on the OG GH? I'm so confused!

Ms. Sneed chases after Leo, enraged that he gave out free meds to Clown Tapestry lady. Ms. Sneed claims that allowing the nurses to give out free medicine is like having them deal drugs. This woman is vile. Leo tells her that it's none of her business. She takes that about as well as Carly would take learning that the local Forever 21 closed.

Somewhere else in the hospital, Robin stumbles upon Jason and Jake together. She awws at them and they reminisce about raising Michael. Oddly, they neglected to mention the parts where Jason let Carly live with him and Robin and didn't stop Carly from tormenting her, and where Robin was shunned for telling AJ that he was Michael's father and Jason said he never wanted to see her face again. Weird. Robin tells him that he's a natural with babies (vomit) and declines Jason's offer to let her hold Jake, who looks cutely terrified throughout this scene. Robin tells Jason that she's been thinking about Alan, due to Jared's case, and how Jared has the same cerebral edema that Jason did. She wonders why men and their sons can't just admit that they love each other and get along. I feel like the layers of that statement are going to suffocate me. She shrugs and says something along the lines of "Oh, well, we're not parents". But Jason IS a parent! OMG! She watches him holding Jake and gets a knowing look in her eyes. I can't tell if she suspects that Jason is Jake's father, or if she is thinking about HIV Positive and Pregnant Stacy or if she's hungry.

Patrick [redacted] tells Jared's parents about his cerebral edema, which is a swelling of the brain. Mom is concerned, especially when Patrick mentions there could be a personality change. Mean Dad is all "Wooo hooo!" Mom freaks out, saying that Mean Dad is always too critical and treating him like a disappointment; Mean Dad chimes in that the kid is a disappointment and is hostile and rude. Has the dad never met a teenager before? Or read a book about one? Or heard an urban legend about their brattiness? It's apparent that the Dad is stuck in the 1950s, because he refers to his son as an antisocial little punk. What is he, Office Krupke? Patrick [redacted] glares.

Andy and Dr. Boyd discuss an upcoming appendectomy. Leyla is nearby and he talks up the surgery to impress her and offers to let her observe. He awkwardly tells her that he can go all night. See what they did there? Double entendre! I am pretty sure that Andy was the unpopular kid in a frat, who only got in because he was a legacy.

Dr. Boyd says that he's been having problems working without sleep, and Andy is going to give him Diprivan to help him get quality sleep, which people apparently do all the time. Andy warns him not to mess with the volume and it is essential to keep it at 20 milligrams. I bet this will end really well!

Upstairs, Liz leaves a hospital room, finding a pregnant girl outside, looking in. She casually asks Liz if the patient is going to live. The patient, who is her boyfriend, was shot, and has been shot at multiple times because he's a gang member. She wants him to quit the gang, especially since he's going to be a father; she's not going to have a child watch his father die and she's out. Liz looks troubled. I wonder if that's supposed to parallel her situation with Jason?!?! Hmm...

Jason apologizes to Billy Dee for not doing any work tonight, and Billy Dee says it looks like Jason's having the time of his life. Billy Dee helpfully informs us that he has no children, as far as he knows. It was never the right time to have kids and it's too late now. Could we possibly find out in a later episode that Billy Dee does, in fact, have kids?! Hmm...

Patrick and Robin talk about Jared's parents. Robin wonders if Mean Dad is scared. She's seen this injury before and points out that it's hard for parents to not know how, or if, their child will come out of it. This doesn't appear to make Patrick feel any better. Some people don't have business being parents. Sad music plays in the background.

Dr. Boyd sleeps and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE sneaks in and raises the level of the Diprivan. Dun dun dun!

Andy comes in to chat with Clown Tapestry Lady. He did her anesthesia recently, and she recognizes him as the "nice man with the gas". I'm too mature to make the obvious joke, so I'll pause and let you make it yourself. Clown Tapestry Lady keeps hacking up her lung, but still wonders how Andy made out with Leyla, who I guess Andy talked about in their last conversation. Clown Tapestry Lady says that Andy is handsome, but needs a boost of self confidence. She then trots out a bunch of inspirational messages from fortune cookies and there is a sickly sweet "I Won't be afraid if you won't" moment that is seven kinds of cheesy.

Dr. Boyd is supposed to be doing an appendectomy but is MIA. Andy goes to get him, but he's super groggy because the dosage was raised. Andy, with crazy eyes and abundant overacting, yells at him for messing with the volume of his dosage and has to go get a replacement doctor to scrub in. Epiphany glares at Andy knowingly. Or sadly. Or angrily. Or happily. All of her faces look the same to me.

Now it's time for more Jolene and Spinelli. He sweetly asks her to go to a Tech Expo with him, because he, as the "ace of cyberspace" is "a rockstar in that venue" and can get all access backstage passes. Going backstage at a tech expo is the sort of thing I was born to never, ever do. Jolene declines because she doesn't go out with guys who cheat on their girlfriends. Hysterically (as in practically hyperventilating), Spinelli claims that Lulu is a girl friend, not a girlfriend; in other words, he likes her, but he doesn't like her like her because "the jackal is most loyal". Jolene says she knows exactly what he needs, and he makes a delighted face that makes me think he was assuming she meant something x-rated, and she produces a bag of chips and some orange soda. His fondness for those is mentioned on his patient chart in bold letters with stars around them. He is gleeful at this turn of events and nothing can harsh his buzz until Jolene conspiratorially asks what the story with Jason and Elizabeth is.

Nanoseconds later, Spinelli runs over to Jason, who is wheeling Jake in a hallway. Spinelli marvels at how much Jake has grown, and fondly talks about all of the wonderful stages of development he's going through, like first words, first step, first trip online. Sternly, Jason says "forget online". Apparently Jason follows the Cruel Intentions notion that the internet is only for geeks and pedophiles. Spinelli spinellis about Intrepid Nurse Elizabeth and Jason wonders how many orange sodas Spinelli had. Okay, hee. What's with the orange soda obsession? I mean, I know I once said that Guza watches Kenan and Kel on YouTube, but I didn't think he'd work it into the show!

Like a dad (which, again, hee), Jason interrogates Spinelli on how his checkup went. Spinelli recaps his failed attempt to ask Jolene out, and mentions the tech expo backstage passes, which are actually Jason's. Jason, baffled, wonders why he'd have passes to a tech expo and it turns out that the Saga of Stone Cold is a featured attraction. Spinelli spinellis that it catapulted him into the cyber stratosphere. Jason is seriously disgusted by technology in general, and seems relieved when Jolene approaches, cartoon hearts coming out of her head, perkily telling Spinelli that the doctor says he doesn't need to come back.

Patrick yet again hears "When the Saints Go Marching In" and still can't find the mysterious singer. Stan goofily walks by and Patrick accosts him, accusing him of being the singer. Stan is confused, especially when Patrick insanely says, "Don't mess with me, just sing!" Stan backs away from the crazy guy.

Somewhere else, Liz finds Jason with a sleeping Jake. Jason robotically informs her that Kelly gave them amoxicillin, Jake had 6 ounces of formula, all the girls loved him and Jason changed him twice. Liz beams and asks if he'll watch him a little longer while she does some paperwork. He will.

You know how in horror movies, when someone gets into a car, they will always find the masked killer in the rearview mirror? That's exactly what it's like when Billy Dee appears OUT OF NOWHERE. Jason apologizes for shirking his community service duties, but Billy Dee says it's okay because, obviously, Jason wants to spend time with his son. There is surprised/poignant music, as if we're supposed to be surprised that someone figured out that Jason is Jake's father. Um, a quarter of Port Charles knows that's the case, another quarter suspects it because they know about the one night stand, another 49% suspect it due to Jason lovingly gazing at the child at every opportunity and having hushed conversations with Liz all over town, and then there's Lucky, who is at home with Cameron, getting a lesson on tying his shoelaces.

In the "WTF is this bullshit?" wing of the hospital ___________ Barrett sleeps, mummified. Andy enters, and checks the monitor and then leaves. Creepy! Immediately, he's seen with an oxygen mask on. What the hell?

And after THAT, he approaches Leyla with renewed vigor and asks her to go to a cafe with him for awesome waffles because he loves waffles. I love waffles, too.

Because he has no game, he actually says the words, "You should go there with me. This morning". How does he leave the house without a helmet, let alone practice medicine? Although she's creepy and bitchy, I can't say I blame Leyla when she leaves without a word. Harsh but, you know, warranted. Kelly has been watching this with interest.

Then Andy and Kelly have sex. Um. Okay.

Clown Tapestry Lady sleeps peacefully as MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters her room and injects something sinister into her IV. Scary music plays in the background. Clown Tapestry Lady opens her eyes and smiles kindly at MYSTERIOUS FIGURE with recognition in her eyes. The plot thickens!

Patrick [redacted] is on his cell phone, and opens with "Dr. Drake, it's the other Dr. Drake. How are you?" I find it endlessly endearing when people say "How are you" when they are leaving a message. He explains that he's on the night shift and he is leaving Noah a message on his office phone because he's afraid of waking him. Patrick, getting verklempt, thanks him for the car Noah got him for high school graduation because Patrick really loves that...car. Is it possible that by thanking him for the car, Patrick is actually thanking him for being a good dad?!?! Hmm...

Ham-fisted attempt at symbolism aside: that was DREAMY. So cute, and so true to Patrick's character. It is with great happiness that I unshun Patrick and restore the "hotly" descriptor.

Now there's the obligatory end of episode montage

  • Clown Tapestry Lady sews her tapestry and then DIES !!! The underprivileged limbless orphans will be so disappointed!
  • Jolene and Regina leave the locker room together, while the camera pans over to the shower where...
  • Kelly sits, fully clothed and soaking wet, looking dejected. So I'm guessing we're in for a storyline about how she has issues/a painful past that makes her use sex as a substitute for love? I love it when female characters can't have no-strings attached sex because they enjoy it, but it's because they were unloved/abused/neglected/hurt when they were younger. It's so healthy and not at all sexist!
  • Liz treats Javy the gang member, and looks thoughtful. And gorgeous.
  • Patrick hotly watches over Jared, whose parents are with him. Mean Dad clasps his hand. Robin watches Patrick watching, and they hold hands.
  • Jason and Jake are on the roof looking at the absurdly awful CGI sunrise. Liz comes onto the roof and watches them. Jason hands Jake over, and looks sad but grateful for the opportunity to spend time with the baby. She looks back at Jason, who is staring at the sunrise. The show closes with him exhaling deeply and sadly closing his eyes.
  • Divider

    Well. I didn't find it quite as horrific as last week's atrocity, but it wasn't good. It was...there. The pacing's gotten better, though.

    The biggest issue is, of course, Jason. For whatever reason that I am just too stupid to understand, the powers that be think Steve Burton and Jason Morgan are the most amazing things in the history of ever and assume that there's never too much amazingness. But there is. There so, so is. On regular GH, 80% of the show is dominated by Jason, whether it be his murder trial, his breakup with Sam, his friendship with Spinelli, or his pain over Jake. So why on earth would I want to watch another show and have it mostly be about Jason and his pain over Jake? We don't need a spinoff to tell us about how it hurts him to not be involved in his son's life, because we hear about it every single day on GH. So they take someone who, because of his occupation (not hospital related), the amount of time he's onscreen on the regular show (excessive) and the current storyline he has on the regular show (jailed), has no business being on this show and revolve this show around him. A hospital show. To put it in Grey's Anatomy terms, since the show runners seem to respond well to that, this would be like having Joe the Bartender be the new star. There's no logical reason for it.


    There are all of these characters (the student nurses, Andy, Leo) that we know only bits and pieces about, and instead of being introduced and expanded upon in an organic way, they're tossed into a scene with some minor exposition and then quickly go along their merry way and any screentime that could make me care about them is given to Jason. I know about Jason. I know about Jason's secret pain. I want to know if I should care about the new people, and why I should care about them.

    When I saw the commercials and episode description, I dreaded a rehash of Patrick's daddy issues, but that story was okay. The writers really need to step away from devices like foreshadowing and symbolism, because they can't do it in a subtle way, and they don't do it well.

    Wasn't there a third lead on this show? A pretty, petite doctor? Whatever happened to her?

    The sinister MYSTERIOUS FIGURE plot is going to be silly. It reminds me, in a bad way, of the mischievous Gloved Hand on Days of Our Lives. GH had an Angel of Death plot a couple of years ago, no? I remember it sucked, and I'm assuming this show will follow suit. I am torn between wondering if it being Leyla is too obvious because it was hinted at so much and knowing that these writers are uncreative and dull enough to make it Leyla because that would be the easiest thing and they don't know how to do suspense.


    Did you just use "spinelli" as a verb...twice? I love you. I am hoping Leyla/Mystery Shadow killer will take out Spinelli. Or at least dose his weed w/ something to settle him down and save me the headaches.

    By the next episode of NS Jason's janitor uniform will be replaced by long flowing ivory robes, lace up sandals, and a crown of thorns. He's the Lord of PC, we get it already!!!!!

    Redacting Patty's hotness descriptor, sadly appropriate. If his character doesn't show at least one more side and soon he will join the long and ever growing list of great characters asassinated by TIIC. Stop wasting the hotness. GV is enough of a sacrifice this year.

    Robin? Not only was she like..absent for almost all of this episode. But her scene w/ Jason made me want to become a hitwoman and take them both out. Do TIIC know anything about these characters or GH history? Seriously, Robin knows better than to mention Michael infront of his holiness. He is likely to banish her again.

    Subtlety does not exist on NS. The reflective tactics used here are humorous and pathetic they are so heavy handed. Thanks for the Porsche? A gangbanger is a bad daddy just like a hitman?

    Patrick needs to stop hearing Toussaint sing. The scenes that follow are sad. STOP WASTING THE HOTNESS. And Stan? He is a judgemental bitch like Pip. Too bad he is gonna be Billy Dee's unknown kid. More subtelty.

    MLK Jr. refrences, please stop. Civil rights leaders are rolling over in their graves over this inclusion on a crap soap. Have some respect for a true national hero. GH should be forced to donate a huge sum of $ to the MLK Jr. monument fund. They are short like 20% I think.

    Stan's hair? Andy who? Kelly, they are asassinating her character before they even give her one to portray.

    Sgt. Unsavory? Let's mock war vets and union mobilizers and everyone else who deserves our respect. Next week an inner city school teacher will die in a righteous mob shooting. Lainey CALL security this guy wants drugs not help. Even TIIC can see that...right? Or do they think this is a supercouple in the making like Luke raping Laura? WTF?

    Jason voluntarily socializing warmly with the needlepoint lady...and flirting w/ her while babysitting Jake? Not only is this a parallel universe from GH, but Jason socializes too? NS must occur in a post apolcolyptic time where saints are altered by their exposure to chemicals or something.

    _____Barrett is a cruel wasted joke. VM is lucky to have found gainful employment elsewhere. Is Maxie still hospitalized? Anyone think of telling Robin yet? Hey if mummy knows Jason she should remember her best friend works at GH, and I don't know....ask for her? This show blows chunks.

    Another wasted hour. Yet, divine inspiration struck me amongst the crapfest. I pulled down my old heart shaped wafflemaker and have plans to indulge in a carbolicious breakfast. Bite me Andy and Leyla. Aahhhhh blueberry waffles with maple syrup and powdered sugar. Life is redeemed. Thanks NS, but you still SUCK. Hotly suck.

    Wow. You recapped it greatly but it did sound tad boring. Plus, the tapestry woman died! Hahahahhahaa.. I'm sorry, I know that was supposed to be sad but she died!

    "he and Stan bond over their mutual love of man damning."

    It's for writing like that that I adore you, PI (you, too, EBT)!

    "She takes that about as well as Carly would take learning that the local Forever 21 closed."

    Ah, haha!! Fabulous.

    Somebody, please: What do OG and OGR stand for???

    Since Jason spends so much time at the hospital these days, why don't they just make him a doctor? Medical school is only a couple of months in soap world.

    Great column as usual. ITA about Jason. I understand he is the star of GH but he is bringing Night Shift down for me. I am enjoying all the storylines except his and that's because all he does is walk around doing nothing. I wish the episodes were more like the first with more action, more drama and I would like to see a little more of Robin and Patrick.

    "Medical school is only a couple of months in soap world."

    Right--and you don't have to actually show up, so it wouldn't get in the way of his humanitarian work killing bad people.

    I love your blog, and your comments on most things is dead-on! But do you have to overuse the word, "creepy"? It's rapidly becoming one of the most annoying adjectives in the English language. Sorry, didn't mean to rant, lol.

    I loved your assessment about epi #3. I really want to know what they did W/Patrick Drake. I want to know what happened to the show to showcase Scrubs relationship. I have yet to see it. As everyone else says it is way too Jason heavy.

    I just love your take on all things GH. It is just hysterical. I really liked last night's episode, but I agreed with a lot of what you said. It is way too Jason-heavy and Robin was virtually non-existent last night. Hopefully that changes next week when they focus a little more on the HIV+ pregnant woman. I'm still in wait and see mode but I wish the writers would show us more romance and less of the quirky stuff. As much as I like Spinelli, I thought there was a little too much of him last night and not enough Robin and Patrick. I agree with your comments on how heavy handed the writers are with the subtext -- like Elizabeth relating the gang patient to her situation with Jason, but I find that I get through it better if I don't expect too much.

    Instead of creepy? How about:


    And I hate that I would use all of these to describe my once beloved Billy Dee Williams. ~sob~

    Okay, I totally watched the episode and missed the fact that Tapestry woman died!

    And, I know we met him on GH, but did we ever meet Andy before on NS? It certainly felt like the show revolved around him and Jason. And where was Maxie? Wasn't she, like, dying last week? Or something...

    "Patrick [redacted]" is fabulous!

    I haven't seen this ep yet so I just scanned the first couple of paras of your post to get a flavour and will come back and read in details once I've seen the ep and posted myself, but that description will be enough to keep me laughing between now and then!

    I love Night Shift and I am excited each week to see what will happen. Yes, I did think that out of the three episodes that have aired that the first one was the best, but they've only just begun. Once they get a few more under their belt I cannot wait to see where they take this show. Patrick and Robin are the best thing about it and as long as they are on, I'm tuning in.

    Thank you for reinstating Patrick's hotness descriptor. I think he deserved it.

    I did miss Robin. And I SO wanted Robin and/or Jason to mention their nasty history with Micheal and Carly and get some yelling. BUT that would involve the writers remembering their own history AND perhaps placing some blame on Jason. And we all know that Jason is never wrong. (Gag me!)

    I'm hoping for some (good) Patrick/Robin scenes soon. I know that's a lot to ask for. Do you think Awesome Writer could make a guest writing appearance on NS? I'm not sure I can handle the crap that is the NS writing for much longer.

    Billy Dee helpfully informs us that he has no children, as far as he knows. It was never the right time to have kids and it's too late now. Could we possibly find out in a later episode that Billy Dee does, in fact, have kids?! Hmm...

    The problem with this is that early on they had Pip talk about the dad and his name was Tyrell Quinn. So either they forget about that (which, given GH's propensity for tossing continuity out the window, is likely) or will have to provide a "shocking reveal" that (gasp) Tyrell is really Billy Dee Creepy Williams! Maybe HE was in a car wreck with bandages too!

    Oh, and if Patrick can have the "hotly" adjective permanently affixed to his every move, then I have no problem with Billy Dee being designated "creepy" in perpetuum cum infamia. ;o)

    OG = "Original Gangsta" ...as in the old school, original, General Hospital...

    I am confused. I had read somewhere that Brian Frons said that Steve Burton got on NS b/c he wanted to direct or something, & things just went from there. So... um, why is he on my screen & not behind the camera? I must completely agree that Jason serves no purpose & really has no business being on this show. It makes no sense. It is obviously just some more Jason pimping; but really! who needs more of that? Is there anyone left who does not know that Jason is the Port Chuckles' Messiah??

    Anyhoo, I hope that the show gets better. Only 10 more to go, so they are running out of time...
    It's time to dress to impress NS.

    "Is there anyone left who does not know that Jason is the Port Chuckles' Messiah??"

    If there was, there isn't any more -- not after yesterday's GH. I know this is the NS post, but obviously Jason is sucking air time from that, as well, and yesterday's display was sickening. Superstar/messiah Jason takes out all the bad guys--while shackled! Meanwhile the police do what? Run around inside the station? Cower in the doorway until the shooting stops? With all the years of Jason-is-hero/police-are-inept scenarios on GH, this was the capper. Over the top, ridiculous, obnoxious, and downright offensive.

    And these idiots have managed to frame this entire story so that the idea that Jason should go to jail for a murder he actually did commit is upsetting to vieweres and to everyone in town (except the evil, mustache-twirling D.A.). Of course, with no body and no real evidence (as if "morgan? thud" proves anything), it's all a joke, anyway. But clearly, everyone is supposed to jump on the Jason train and do whatever they can to make sure this Paragon of virtue isn't taken away (witness Amelia's conversion; pretty soon she'll be going door to door handing out St. Jason pamphlets).

    "Nanoseconds later, Spinelli runs over to Jason, who is wheeling Jake in a hallway. Spinelli marvels at how much Jake has grown, and fondly talks about all of the wonderful stages of development he's going through, like first words, first step, first trip online. Sternly, Jason says "forget online". Apparently Jason follows the Cruel Intentions notion that the internet is only for geeks and pedophiles."

    Wait, are you telling me that you didn't see that as a shout-out? :)

    "Nanoseconds later, Spinelli runs over to Jason, who is wheeling Jake in a hallway. Spinelli marvels at how much Jake has grown, and fondly talks about all of the wonderful stages of development he's going through, like first words, first step, first trip online. Sternly, Jason says "forget online". Apparently Jason follows the Cruel Intentions notion that the internet is only for geeks and pedophiles."

    Wait, are you telling me that you didn't see that as a shout-out? :)

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought of Days' gloved hand in all this.

    And the editing in this episode was just wacky and distracting.

    OMG...I'm pretty much speechless. This show is SO bad. The actors deserve so much better(well some of them), and it could have been SO much better! Well, at least it's good for a laugh or 2.....So is Brenda only coming back to alternate universe Night Shift, and not to the REAL gh?

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE NS EP!!!!!!!!!!!!

    While I agree that TPTB are idiots, I can't help but melt into puddles when I see Steve Burton on screen with babies!!!! The man is AMAZING!!!! And him and Kimberly have a great rapport still even after all those years.

    NS is like a whole different reality, Jason actually talks to other people, shows more emotion. I like Jason more on NS than on GH.

    As a Jason fan, I don't mind seeing him around at all. In fact, I LOVE seeing him!!!

    And Becky Herbst is just GORGEOUS!!! She looks nothing like 30 years old!!!!

    Jason + Babies = CUTENESS TO THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!

    Your comments are hilarious though, AHAHHHAAAAA!!!!!

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