90210: Season 1, Episode 4

Definitely making progress; I had to pop in Disc 2 tonight. As opposed to Disc 1, which features a picture of young lovers Dylan and Brenda, Disc 2 features a picture of Kelly and Steve. Kell, of course, has just descended from heaven and her smile about melted both my heart and my laptop's DVD player. Steve, on the other hand, sports that curious blond loofah on the top of his head. In case you're wondering, the answer to your question is yes: that's the first time I've ever Googled the word loofah. Well, the first time tonight, I should say. Let's start blogging!

Season 1, Episode 4: The First Time

2:00 Our two favorite lovers, Brandon and Brenda- he clad in jeans, no shirt, and a large cross necklass, she looking scandalous in skimpy boxers, tight tanktop, and lustful eyes- discuss the weather. No joke, the weather. Specifically, Brandon has put on his detective hat (matches well with no shirt) and has determined that "there are no seasons here" and the "leaves" are "brown" even though "it's fall." This dialogue, again rumored to be authored by Tori Spelling (except the part about the air quality index, which is well beyond her pay grade), is unfortunately interrupted by...

2:43 ...a phone call, which Brenda assumes is for her...

2:45 ...but it's not, it's for Brandon, and Jim Walsh, TV dad extraordinaire, sheepishly brings him the phone and says, 'It's Sheryl.' Yes, Brandon, as in Minnesota Sheryl. Yes, another female lusting after Brandon, which now brings our running tally to infinity times pi, squared.

3:13 Brandon takes the phone and exchanges I miss you's with Sheryl. Brenda stands in the doorway of the bathroom, poking her head into the room and looking sad that she will now have to settle for a cold shower.

3:55 Everybody in the house is eavesdropping on Brandon's call, during which we learn that Sheryl is coming for the weekend. This includes Jim, who is walking by Brandon's door in his pjs, slapping a baseball into his mitt. For the record, I don't care if it was 50 degrees below zero outside and there was three feet of snow, I would grab my glove, go outside and have a catch with Jim Walsh.

5:10 Forst order of business for Brandon as he prepares for Sheryl's visit? Not a dinner reservation at the Peach Pit, not a trip to the drug store, for, well, you know...wink wink, nod nod...(Editor's note #8: yes I know that wasn't on the shelves in 1990- I'm taking creative license AND providing a public service announcement all at once. So there. What have you done with YOUR day?). No, Brandon's first act is to tell Andrea that he can no longer cover the big football game for The Blaze against Beverly High on Saturday. Andrea said something in response, but I wasn't paying attention.

5:50 Brenda, Kelly, and Donna fawn over their algebra teacher. I am regretting not being a mathematics major at this time.

6:20 Brandon sing's Sheryl's praises to Dylan in shop class. Dylan's response:

"She sleeps with you, of course you think she's special."

That gets Brandon's mullet in a bunch; he does not like this potshot (I don't think they connoiterred coitally, if you catch my drift).

7:14 After class, Mr. Algebra asks Brenda to babysit his kids. Only, she imagines that he asks her to run away with him, to a remote alpine village, where he'll "teaching skiing during the day and cuddle by the fire at night" and he's bathed in some weird white light crap. I really didn't appreciate this scene, and as such am throwing out my graphing calculator as we speak.

7:56 Brandon is trying to write an article for the paper, but he is lost in thought about Sheryl, or hair products, or something.  Andrea then baldly asks him where Sheryl will be sleeping, as Brandon simply glares at her. I will grudgingly give Andrea credit for saying something worth typing. Hopefully this will never happen again.

9:22 Brandon and Young David Silver meet for the first time, bumping into each other in the hallway. Ever the humanitarian, Brandon helps him pick up his books. He regrets that, however, when Young David Silver, in an attempt to "relate" to Brandon and as such win his friendship, tells the convoluted tale of meeting a girl at "camp" who lived in "Pittsburgh", and their long-distance relationship failed even though she was a "fox." Little does Brandon know that 10 years later, he would be sending Young David Silver a videotaped message of congratulations the night before his wedding to Donna (to find out how what happens in between, I beseech you, keep reading this blog).

10:46 Brandon and Brenda drive home from school. She chides him for being nervous, even though her flight is still three hours away from landing. Then they pull up the driveway...and Sheryl is there! She took an earlier flight! She and Cindy have been catching up the whole time! She is sort of a fox in that wholesome way but Kelly is hotter! Nevertheless, Brandon is quite tickled to see her.

12:01 Sheryl is sleeping in Brenda's room tonight, which is extraordinarily disappointing to those blogging this episode. She's asking Brenda about the handsome California guys, and Brenda replies:

"Actually, the cutest guy in school is my Algebra teacher, Mr. Brody."

12:39 I'm going to go out on a limb and say this will be the funniest dialogue of all of Season 1, if not the whole series. Jim and Cindy settle down in bed, and Cindy confirms to Jim that Sheryl is sleeping in Brenda's room. And then it happens:

Jim (slyly grinning): "Think she'll stay there?"

Cindy (shocked): "Oh Jim...you're terrible!"

I cannot stop laughing. My sides are splitting. Outrageously funny. Where can I buy a Jim Walsh poster? Does James Eckhouse do motivational speeches around the country? Can I be his bald spot for a day? God Bless America!

15: Goodness, a lot is happening. I am riveted to my chair and can barely keep up. Brandon goes into the bathroom when Sheryl comes out of the shower, and informs her that he would like to engage in sexual relations, if she wouldn't mind. She's not sure. Brandon implores her to come into his room in an hour; then, realizing he can't wait that long, brings it down to 45 minutes. Jim falls asleep, but Cindy lies awake, fretting. Brandon tosses and turns. Sheryl can't sleep. Music is playing. I am transfixed. In walks Sheryl. Cindy hears the door and wakes Jim. Brandon and Sheryl hit a single and run straight to first base. Sheryl wonders whether Brandon has protection. Brandon replies 'of course' and informs her that the Boy Scout motto is to "Be Prepared." (That last part didn't really happen, but everything else did, I swear). Brandon and Sheryl appear to be getting rather frisky. They are making noise. Cindy is terrified. Jim promises Cindy he'll have a talk with Brandon...first thing in the morning. I am saluting Brandon and will be making a donation to Jason Priestley's racing team as soon as this episode ends. Cindy still can't sleep. Sheryl REALLY likes Brandon. Screen fades to black, and we miss all the good stuff.

18:42 The next morning. Brandon is happy -- VERY happy, SO HAPPY -- subtly demonstrated by his blasting music, dancing around his room, and making fresh squeezed orange juice for the whole family. That's just what I did after my first time, except I went with the good folks at Tropicana instead. Eh...did I just use my out loud voice?

20:55 Brandon takes Sheryl for a ride around Beverly Hills, and she is totally mesmerized. She wants to meet movie stars. Then it's off to lunch at the BelAge Hotel, so Brandon can introduce her to Mr. McKay.

22:03 While Brandon excuses himself to use the bathroom and drink more OJ, Dylan tells Sheryl about a cool club he knows where she can meet movie stars. Not just anyone can get into this club, mind you, but this is McKay we're talking about here. She looks, um, quite taken with Dylan. Uh oh. Clash of the Titans, anyone?

24:15 This episode is so good I am finding it hard to type. OK...it's club night. Dylan comes to pick up Brandon and Sheryl. Brandon, naturally, has to drop Brenda off at babysitting beforehand. First sign of trouble ensues when Sheryl goes in Dylan's Porsche instead of Brandon's lemon (and when will they say Brandon's car's name, for crying out loud? I have all these political jokes ready and I can't use them yet. WTF man). Brandon is totally miffed, while Brenda drools all over the driveway staring at Dylan. I think this episode should have won an Emmy.

26:02 Brandon is down in the dumps, not to mention flummoxed. He thinks Sheryl is acting weird and he's not so sure about Dylan's intentions. Brenda assures him she's just being paranoid, and, in an amusing non sequitor, asks him to wish her luck "for my first babysitting job."

27:50 Brandon races into the club, and from up high spots Dylan and Sheryl slow-dancing in the middle of a lot of very ugly people doing terrible fast dancing. Brandon does not look happy. Meanwhile, my heart is pounding.

28:35 Oh my lord. While Sheryl announces she's going to the ladies room, Brandon has just confronted Dylan on the dance floor, accusing him of having eyes for his girlfriend.

29:00 This is the greatest argument since...since...since...ever. Brandon is mouthing off like a badass, warning him that he better stay away from his girl, while Dylan responds that SHE was hitting on HIM. They're not talking with library voices, either.

29:05 Brandon just punched out Dylan. BRANDON JUST PUNCHED OUT DYLAN. BRANDON JUST PUNCHED OUT DYLAN. BRANDON JUST PUNCHED OUT DYLAN.

(Editor's note #9: We regret to inform you that Lancer's world has just been shattered into a million pieces. The excitement, thrill, and audacity of that scene was simply too much to handle. As such, we hold no responsibility for anything else he says during the remaining time on contract here at Serial Drama).

(Lancer's response to Editor: I'm gonna beat the everlasting crap out of you if you don't stay away from my girl. What's that? Oh, right. Well, one day I'll have one, and you better watch your back, pal).

30:06 Brandon finds Sheryl at the bar, who's giddy because they didn't card her. She's had a few drinks and doesn't want to leave. Another argument ensues. Brandon wonders why this is all happening "after last night." Sheryl comes back with a line for the ages:

"Sex doesn't bring people closer together. It just drives them apart!"

30:49 Sheryl informs Brandon that, NOT ONLY HAS SHE HAD SEX BEFORE, but that she's LEAVING, even though she has hardly looked into plane times and they haven't invented ORBITZ yet. Brandon responds by slamming her drink across the bar, shattering the glass and surprising fellow patrons. I haven't seen him this angry since the time BRANDON JUST PUNCHED OUT DYLAN.

31:48 Scene of Brenda babysitting. Don't care.

32:10 Sheryl gets in a cab before Brandon can stop him. I think he needs some Peach Pit pie, don't you?

33:36 More babysitting, still not caring. Brenda gets a ride home Kelly, and she's still swooning over Mr. Algebra, leading to this classic:

"You know how you can be totally into some guy, like Kiefer Sutherland, and then suddenly you see him in a magazine someday, and you think 'where was my mind'?"

That's right everyone, Kiefer Sutherland! How extraordinary! A quick check on IMDB reveals that back in 1990, ol' Kiefer was starring in 'Young Guns II' and something called 'Chicago Joe and the Showgirl', and was a mere 4 years removed from the legendary 'Stand By Me' and over a decade away from torturing anybody. Rest of the scene is completely unimportant.

34:20 As Brenda walks in the door, a frantic Cindy reveals that Sheryl's mother called, frantically exclaiming that Sheryl has been missing for three days, leading Cindy to frantically leap to the obvious conclusion that Sheryl has run away from home. Frantic music is playing, too.

36:05 Brandon goes to the BelAge, and finds Sheryl in Dylan's room. Dylan is only taking care of her though, as she is throwing up in his bathroom. Dylan gives them the room to talk, and even tells them to order room service or fresh towels if they need. You see, you see, this is why Dylan is Legend #1. If you need any more proof, I'll be pointing this out all season long.

38:15 Brandon and Sheryl talk. Sheryl basically says her life was ruined when Brandon left. Brandon basically feels guilty, so he hugs her and they order ice cream from room service. Thanks to Dylan McKay.

40:45 Back to the Walsh house. Cindy is freaking out still -- Jim is the rock of the family. Brandon and Sheryl come home safe and sound. Brandon laments that he didn't take the time to ever find out the "real Sheryl."  The only thing he wants to do now is "say goodbye."  Tear.

42:50 As she walks out the door and out to the airport shuttle, Sheryl turns to Legend #1A, looks at him with dreamy eyes, and says "Brandon...you are a wonderful lover." A slow smile spreads across Brandon's face. Anyone want some more orange juice?

43:10 Armed with the knowledge that he is good in the sack, Brandon joins Jim for a game of basketball! Yes! Huzzah! I want to play! Jim is wearing a tank top and has hairy shoulders! Can we play H-O-R-S-E?

43:43 I'm going to let Jim Walsh do the talking now. Everyone just be quiet and listen:

Jim (to Brandon, but really, to men everywhere): "When I was your age my father told me that some day I would meet a girl who would break my heart...and then I'd meet one who wouldn't."

Then, after a brief discussion about the birds and the bees (Brandon: "Just tell Mom we were careful, ok?") they play basketball, like a father and son should.

Jim Walsh saves the day! Good night!

Comments

[LOL!]

Lancer, will you hate me if I wished Dylan punched Brandon back? And a not-just-grabbing-each-other-and-rolling-in-the-floor type of fistfight would ensue?
Great work! Good job! Keep it up!

[LauraBB]

I am loving the recap/commentary!!!!!

[Cat]

I love re-living 90210 through your commentary, Lancer.

Re: twincest. Wikipedia (*rock solid* source that it is) reports that "In the early seasons of Beverly Hills 90210, Doherty dated co-star actor Jason Priestley." Which could explain all the inappropriate lusting.

[Miry]

I LOVE it!! I can't wait for the next one!!

You make me want to get the dvds & watch them "with" you. Yes, creepy I know, but still lots of fun I am sure.

Keep up the good work!!

:D~~~

[Chris]

Where is Lancer???? I am going through serious 90120-snarky-blog withdrawal!!!!!!

[Bianca Reagan]

More recaps please!

[Kim]

Lancer- when are you going to do the next ep - its been months! let me know if you need some blogging help!!

[nattyp3]

omg love these recaps. 90210 forever. please make more

[karen b]

more recaps please!!! (as said with the tiny voice of Oliver asking for 'more, sir, please')