General Hospital Week in Review

Watching TV this week, I experienced a range of emotions.  Delight, bewilderment, shock, anger, anticipation, and satisfaction.  Unfortunately for General Hospital -- I'm sure you saw this coming --  none of that was in relation to the goings-on in Port Charles.  A quick rundown:

Delight:  At finding My Boys, one of the funniest sitcoms on the air.  (Dude who plays Brendan, you must call me.)
Bewilderment:  1) That anyone thought Scott Baio should get a reality show; 2) That I am TiVo'ing it; and 3) That a guy I used to date shares so many personality characteristics with Scott Baio and that yet I managed not to kill him while he slept.
Shock:  At how witty The Office is, and at the fact that nobody made me watch it until now.
Anger:  At how crappy Rescue Me has become.
Anticipation: Of the So You Think You Can Dance finale.
Satisfaction:  That I predicted the So You Think You Can Dance top two correctly , and that Cat Deeley wore a crazy-ass dress and a milkmaid braid for the big event.

Disgust and fatigue, though, GH owned those.  Woohoo.  Go show.

So the trial that ate this show finally ended on Thursday.  Thank god.  I'm not going to expend any more effort on it than I already have.  What's most important is that Jason is back, running free

wearing a black t-shirt, sporting terrible hair, staring expressionless with cold eyes, endangering the people who care about him just by existing.  GH's consistency is oddly beautiful, isn't it?

"So, can I ask you a question?  A few, actually?  Does this brown color and my foundation combine to make me look like I have consumption, and would that explain why this dress looks like it was designed in the 1890s?  Also, would this hair look too matronly on even a woman who was actually born during that decade?"

"Yeah, I thought so.  The bitches who run this show hate me."

So, about this "Kate gets arrested" storyline that is so obviously just a way for Sonny the mobster to -- stop me if you've heard this before! -- come out the hero by rescuing a damsel in distress.  UGH.  I know I've said from the beginning that I knew Kate was going to end up with Sonny, stripped of all her interesting qualities; I guess I was just hoping it would take a bit longer.

This whole hit-and-run thing is so stupid and poorly thought out. First of all, why would someone like Kate -- pathologically concerned both with protecting her image and ensuring nobody finds out that she's Connie -- risk everything over a minor car accident?  She said she wasn't drunk, and she clearly can afford to fix the damage even if she doesn't have insurance, which I'm sure someone in her position does.  So why wouldn't she have stopped?  Particularly when she has a prior offense so she knows what can happen if she gets caught?  Second of all, how is it that there a hundred paparazzi following her around (necessitating the unoriginal but still somewhat amusing Dress Up as a Hooker scene), and the charges are public, but somehow her real name has been kept out of all of it?  What?

But why am I even talking about Kate?  The point of this storyline is to try to redeem Sonny. Just like they're trying to do with Ric.  And Jerry.  And Sam.  You know, writers, if you created less odious characters, you'd have a lot less of this bullshit backfilling to do.

Anyway, apparently I'm not supposed to roll my eyes fully back into my head when I watch Sonny say stuff like:

Sonny: [I]f you keep up this holier than thou attitude, thinking that, you know, people owe you special treatment because you're so much better than them, It's gonna come back and bite ya.

and

Sonny: I'm about to teach you a lesson on humility and respect.

!!!!!

I actually preferred the drugged-out sex.

And Kate -- an otherwise upstanding member of society, with countless contacts in the community and a very public job running a well-know magazine -- doesn't get bail, but gets released into the custody of SONNY?!  The mob kingpin?  Who routinely orders his hitman to kill people, including an incident for which the hitman is currently on trial in that same building?  WTF is wrong with this show?!  Oh, and this:

Kate: Sonny is . . . he's un-spin-able.

Oh sweetie, just ask the writers.  They can spin the hell out of Sonny.

Whatever.  I'm sure somehow her hair will get her out of this predicament.

After the Trial That I'm Not Going To Talk About Again, Ever, In Order to Preserve My Sanity, Ric actually did some pretty impressive truth-telling, to both Sam and Sonny.  But I'm sorry, I can't cheer for him.  Ric is not a good messenger.  I can't be on his side.  He's done too much, without redemption.  And as much as he tells off Sonny, the reality is that he's so enamored of his brother that if Sonny legitimately asked Ric back into the organization, he'd squeal like a schoolgirl.  So no cookies for you, show.

Something really weird happened this week.  Carly wore three consecutive outfits that were not hideous.  Is GH's wardrobe department trying to shut us down?!

I don't think she looks fabulous, and that's an awful lot of gray, but whoa, what an improvement.  (And please note that in the first and third ones, she's taken our bra advice to heart.  Yay!  They grow up so fast.)

Laura Wright's pose in that first screencap kind of makes me want to expand the definition of what an expression is, just so it can take its rightful place in the Hall of Fame.

So, this week Logan didn't seem too sorry that he kissed his best friend's girlfriend . . .

. . . and continued to weirdly infantilize Lulu by asking her stepmother's family for permission to date her . . .

. . . and made perfectly clear that he is still following through with the disgusting bet to get Lulu to sleep with him . . .

. . . and yet

. . . yep, still brutally hot.

I know the writers seem to hate Scotty, but do the showrunners also dislike Kin Shriner?  Like, do they refuse to let him use a dressing room and hair and makeup, and force him to sleep on a park bench?

In addition to the several hair-related issues, that see-through shirt/undershirt/gold chain combo is giving me hives.

Jane Elliot's hair, however, continues to amaze. 

I will try to get past the ridiculousness of the possibility that HIV-positive Robin, whom the show has taken great pains (really, those PSA-type scenes were painful to watch) to say uses every possible precaution including THREE FORMS of birth control, would accidentally get pregnant.  And I will try to get past Robin, a doctor, screaming "I think I might be pregnant" in the middle of her workplace.  If I can do both those things, I'd say that her and Patrick's reactions were pretty realistic, and I think there are good possibilities for where this story (Robin wanting a baby) could go.

Patrick being hotly befuddled at Robin's reaction to his reaction was probably the high point:

I like that on regular GH we can still routinely use the "hotly" qualifier, since on that other show he's such a dick. 

I really need help understanding this Jax storyline.

You know what our viewing audience really wants to see?  One of the few non-mafia leading men we have left, beat to shit on several consecutive episodes.

Wait, there's more!  I think the audience would also love if that leading man was repeatedly sexually violated by a batshit crazy woman.

What's that, Awesome Writer?  No, the audience doesn't hate Jax.  He's been popular for more than a decade -- which is weird, because he doesn't kill people or commit other crimes for a living -- and he recovered from that whole Spencer incident and really seemed to be emerging again as a good-guy lead that some people for some reason say we need on this show. 

What do you mean, then why would the audience want to watch him be brutalized?  Violence is hot, especially if it's sexual in nature. And Jerry's going to rescue Jax, and then voila!  We have our Jerry redemption.  It's win-win.

What?  Why the hell would we have Jerry be the one brutalized?  He's a mentally unstable criminal.  And Irina would actually have a motivation to beat the snot out of him.  God, sometimes you're so obtuse.  This show is deep.  Who hired you?

What is wrong with this show?!

Random aside:

Jerry: I watched Irina get shot in the head at point-blank range.  It's not an injury you walk away from.

Maybe she was giving birth to the shooter's child.  Then she would have been fine, and it would have been a sign of their True Love.

The Friday cliffhanger was a doozy, wasn't it?  Liz, still stubbornly refusing to take off those Bad Idea Jeans, ran her married ass to the courthouse to celebrate her babydaddy's acquittal for the murder he totally did commit, and hugged him in front of a bazillion cameras.  But wait, the romance didn't end there!  Later that day, Jason and Liz, about to declare their love -- er, desire "to try" -- to each other, were shockingly interrupted by the most unbelievable mobsters ever.  Who wanted to make perfectly clear to the audience -- in the most unsubtle way possible, by actually articulating those very words -- that being with Jason would endanger Liz and her kids.

Cameron's like, "Bitch, please.  Did you seriously not see this coming?  Also, when are we gonna stop going to this dangerous-ass park?"

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

Comments

[Katy]

Hilarious as always. I completely agree that Logan is still brutally hot. The last picture is my favorite though with Cameron.

[Ms Chicklet]

"Bitch, please. I'm staying with Dad."

[Sarah]

Sorry Cam, there are no felony free parks in PC for us. Especially since I've given birth to the son of St. Jasus. Kin Shriner is NOT a hobo! Kate is gone to the dark icky side, wave bye bye to the pretty hair. And Carly? The writers portray her like Jason now, she CAN DO ANYTHING?!?!?! The scenes at the airport in Turkey made me cringe. A loyal loving devoted mother bribing, lying, manipulating etc....Turkish officials? Right, like that could happen with her "woe is me" love story approach, her 4th attempt of gaining illegal info. She would be rotting in a filthy prison for the rest of her days for pulling this crap. In PC, fine, the mob sadly rules. But we are axpected to buy this unreal insanity in Turkey too? WTF! The pregnancy scare was a mishandled gem of a storyline. Hotly trashed Scrub scenes, what a surprise, NOT. I wonder if the Lulu character is so awful now because of the writers or maybe the fame and adoration of Guza has turned the actress? I don't know, but I can't stand her anymore.

The Office?!?!?!?!? Your friends and family have done you a huge misservice. Both the original BBC and amazingly the US NBC versions are sheer brilliance. Buy them all on DVD ASAP.

You dated a Baio type? Where do I send the flowers? I hope you dumped him, hard. And I pray yours wasn't fugly like the original.

[Stephanie]

Love the recap. I just read yours so I don't have to watch the actual show since your recaps are always far more entertaining.

And I love that you discovered The Office. I love that show. Seriously, the best show on TV!

[deedee]

I just love your blog because your analysis is not only hilarious, but is spot on. The Scrubs scenes were great and I had the same concerns you did -- Robin would never blurt that out loud in front of other staff and her first concern would have been that Patrick may have been infected. I also read somewhere that HIV+ women should not be taking birth control pills because it is may mess with their other meds -- wonder if GH even bothered to check on this. Again, they have these short little arcs with them that really should be given more time and buildup.

Regarding Elizabeth and Jason -- again the writers are beating us over the head with the idea that Jason's life is too dangerous for Liz -- Note to writers: we get it already!! And I loved Cam's face -- that park is too dangerous!

Finally you brought up Jax's so-called storyline. With all the gratuitous violence on this show -- this was even hard to take. Why did Jax not only have to be beaten, but raped as well? It is really vile and really was unnecessary. There is no other way they could have had angst for Carjax?

[Sarah]

First off, I too just started watching The Office! It's amazing. How did I not know this show was this good?

Secondly, Patrick's reaction to all the news was hot and great. I think I will stick with this Patrick and try to completely forget the other one.

But why didn't Robin mention/feel guilty about the possibility of infecting Patrick? Though the odds are very slim, if she was pregnant, it would be a possiblity.

[ElementaryDays]

So I'm admiring that screencap of Jason Thompson when my eye wanders down to the next cap of a totally shit-kicked, defeated and overly-tanned Jax and ... Bwah! I'm sorry, but all I see when I look at him, now, is the Heat Miser (tm someone's brilliant observation) and those screencaps of him all fresh off a tropical vacation but mussed up, and then gagged and handcuffed to the bed ala sexual deviant style (cause he still got hard, right?) is just frickin' hilarious. This show!

[gotham]

Shout out to CesarFaison for the link to this site!

Sam- just STFU!!! I can't stand her.
BTW, PC has more crime than NYC. Puhleese - I'll gladly hook up with Jason.

The Jax story is unwatchable. GH writers have serious violence/sex issues that should be left at the shrink's office. Not appealing in any way.

I had to laugh at Patrick's reaction to Robin's reaction to his initial reaction! LOL typical male. That was so true.

The Office is hilarious. Enjoy!

[Liz]

Uh, the guy who plays Brendan can call you after he calls me.

[UnknownCassadine]

This place is great.

And it seems that All Guza's doing is the 2007 version of "Jason good/Aj Bad" Baby Opie thing.

Only it's now "Jason & Elizabeth good" "Lucky and Sam always bad..."

And if Carly *really* loved Jason she'd go public in the middle of a courtroom about the whole Panic Room thing...

But that doesn't suit the writers now so,...not done.

[Tania]

I always agree with this site! You guys are too funny and I also have a fear of clowns Mallory (Stupid It). Friends is like The Best Show EVER and I love when you guys compare them to soaps. And My Boys' Brendan (I love my Brando)should have been way before Trouty (Who I also love) on the sexiest guy list. #37 my ass! and Bobby is the most adorkable rich guy ever. GH would suck if it weren't for certain GH couples, namely Robin and Patrick (KMc and JT are too cute, but JT is the dorkiest dancer ever. Good luck teaching him to dance Kimber)

First off, Ms Chicklet wrote: "Bitch, please. I'm staying with Dad." WORD! Again, our dear, little Cam speaks for us all with just a look.

While I agree with everything you said about this craptastic show, I'm still trying to stick with my new resolution to find something positive about GH. So here it is - I freakin' LOVE Diane! The look on her face when Kate was describing all the things they would do in Paris was hilarious - she was seriously pondering whether or not "fashion week" would be worth breaking the law for.

However, this leads me to ask a question: why is it that it seems as though the casting director is the only person doing his JOB? He's finding the perfect people but between wardrobe/makeup and writing, they aren't given the opportunity to shine.

[Sofia]

You've never seen The Office! Don't you just love Jim... he's dreamy! My Boys' Brendan is my other dream guy! Friends is my true love if love were a show!

GH sucks! They need to take a hint from TV Shows that don't suck! So many good shows... Gh was one before the hell hound that is Guza took over! My safe haven is primetime since daytime brings me punishment.

Someone remind me why i even watch GH?! I'm apparently glutton for TV punishment...

[Kels]

The line referencing the time Sonny shot Carly in the head is the perfect example of why this blog rocks so hard. Sheer brilliance.

My love for Kate is fading but I shall always love the hair.

There is only one version of Patrick. That other one is some horrid abomination that I will never recognize as "real."

Cam, sweetie, as soon as those bad men leave, run and find your daddy. Grab onto his leg and never ever let go.

[AfroQueen]

They are trying to redeem Sam and Ric? Really...into what? Twin psycho/Sociopaths?

[eLe]

When Brandon calls you, have him call me too!
Just saying once again that I always look forward to your blogs, they're beyond wonderful. At least Jax got some lovely witty lines like the "is this about the caviar I ordered? I can explain"

[Stephanie]

First up My Boys Brenden in real life is sadly married but he does write blog on TV Guide which makes me love him more.

If we had been friends I would've forced you to watch The Office because that's what good friends do.

Scotty's outfit is just sad, sad, sad!! And yet I still have to ask, WHERE THE HELL IS SERENA????

[Jess]

Scott Baio's show is a beautiful train wreck, isn't it? And The Office is brilliant, and you got hooked just in time for the season 3 DVDs I believe. You can get all caught up before the premiere ;)

I wanted Danny to win on So You Think You Can Dance :( Though, Sabra could do INSANE things with her legs.

Wait ... GH was on this week, too?

[Regency]

I would like to marry both Kate's hair and Jane's hair. They're basically the only eligible human beings on this show next to Alexis, who is eternally unmarriable.

Kin Shriner can still crash my wedding any day.

[Kristin]

I think Jane's hair might be the 8th wonder of the world.

I think Cam was also wondering why his idiot of a mother had once again turned her back on Jake in the middle of that park. If those fake mobsters hadn't come along, some crazy lady probably would have snatched Jake out of the stroller.

[Diamondtcaffo]

I just found this blog for the first time today. I am literally crying it is so funny. I am definitely going to bookmark and come back frequently. BRILLIANT!