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« Night Shift Episode 4: Keep the Change | Main | Nicknames, Schnicknames »

August 04, 2007

General Hospital Week in Review

This week, a stupid-ass trial ate the entire show.  The end.

Okay, fine, maybe a couple of other things happened.  But really, not many.


********** ALL POINTS BULLETIN **********

Please be on the lookout for Jason Morgan's neck, last seen in the spring of 2007.


If you locate the neck, do not approach the individual in possession of it.  He is said to be poorly coiffed, and filled with secret pain.

And also he kills people for a living.


No matter what he does or what they reveal about his background, for some reason I still like Logan.



Even his latest rage explosion didn't disturb the sexy.  I like Cooper (Jason Gerhart is gorgeous), but come on, getting punched in the face is the most interesting thing Officer Barrett has done in months.

Logan mocking Spinelli's "defense" of Lulu was fun.  Lil' Spinelli, threatening Logan, who is buff and has rage control issues like whoa.


Mostly I just rolled my eyes at Spinelli's idle threats, but this was a great line:

Spinelli: Fair Lulu will not be drawn into the James Deanishness of your social rebellion.

"James Deanishness of My Social Rebellion" is somebody's autobiography title waiting to happen.

Even better line, though:

Logan: …the wizards and weirdo garbage is driving me nuts.

Word, Brutally Hot One.

And Logan and Lulu, much to Spinelli's spastic chagrin I'm sure, are freaking adorable.



I'm so glad I decided to ignore the whole attempted mauling incident. But how much better and soapier would this story be if he didn't already know he was Scotty's kid?  Or if Laura was around?  About a hundred times better.


Patrick and Robin were on for about seven minutes total this week, but they were adorably bantering for most of it, so at least there's that.  Robin's continuing freak-out that their parents might be hitting it is amusing.


Patrick was hotly amused as well.


I really hope they get a spin-off or something where they can develop their relationship and have more amusing conversations.  They really seemed to have moved past the rut of "Patrick flirks, Robin pouts" phase, and there are all kinds of interesting and fun things they can do now!

Sarcasm is my only solace at this point.  Why does Night Shift have to suck so much?


Fine, I'll talk about the trial.  The highlight for me:

Judge: Mr. Lansing, do you intend to call any witnesses you haven’t slept with?

SERIOUSLY.  The whole thing was just ridiculous.  The Liz scenes were among the most nonsensical.  Ric called Liz to the stand so he could say she’s not reliable?  And what info could she offer (that Jason got a phone call) that phone records couldn’t have covered?  This whole dumb trial was about the “secret” (ha!) of Jake’s paternity getting out.  So, the whole five days of painfully awful courtroom scenes existed solely to have Lucky find out about Liz and Jason's one night stand and ultimately (presumably, if someone draws an easily understandable picture and tattoos the DNA results on his body somewhere), that Jason is Jake's daddy.  So poor lied-to Lucky had to sit in court and watch as Liz revealed that her hitman/confidante was actually her hitman/confidante/lovah!  You could tell from his expressions how heartbroken he was.  Or rather, you could tell from his expression.








Oh, Lucky.  So pretty, but so, so dim.

Greg Vaughn remains outrageously hot, though. 



Not hot:  Liz testifying about how wonderful Jason is.  I am so sick of the writers not getting this:  JASON IS A HITMAN.  He kills other human beings for profit.  He is a murderer for hire.  His job is ending people's lives.  He may be the most loyal friend otherwise, but HE IS A HITMAN. If this show is going to try to sell Jason/Liz, someone, ANYONE, has got to shake some sense into the showrunners that murderers aren’t heroes. There is a great story to be told with Jason Quartermaine coming back and realizing what he’s become, or even Jason Morgan having a crisis of conscience, but this “Who’s the sweetest widdle hired killer ever? You are! You are!” routine is sick. And it's making me hate every character that comes within its orbit.

Anyway, sure, Liz perjured herself and probably ruined her marriage, but she looked really pretty while she was doing that.  Though neither seemed especially appropriate for court, I loved both her Defend My Babydaddy/Hitman's Honor ensembles:



And her exchange with Ric was interesting. 



I actually thought they each mostly spoke the truth, but both of the characters are so close to destroyed at this point that I couldn't even get excited about a good old-fashioned soap fight.  Ric as the morally righteous one in any situation just doesn't fly.  And Liz acting like she's done absolutely nothing wrong is pretty appalling.

In the end, after all the drama, Liz was so distraught over having hurt her husband, so horrified by having humiliated him in public, so worried about the state of her marriage . . .


. . . that she went to cuddle with her babydaddy/hitman in jail!  Oh, Liz.  It's a really good thing you're so pretty and have cute clothes, because I could learn to despise you.


Jax came back!


Oh, dear.  Not looking refreshed after that extended vacay, Ingo!


Much, much better.

He's stuck on a ship that looks suspiciously like about ten different sets GH has used before, including the boiler room of the hospital and maybe Ric's panic room.  With Irina, who's threatening to kill him, even though we know that won't happen.  If this weren't so obviously the setup to try to redeem "Jerry" (I still refuse to acknowledge that James Craig is Jerry Jacks), I might care, but it is so I don't.


I'm even totally fine with the Jax and Irina hook-up, if it breaks up him and Carly. I'm so annoyed with her character, actually, that I think I'd be fine with nuclear war, if it breaks up Jax and Carly.


Kate continues her miracle-working, making Sonny tolerable. 


They are bordering on adorable together.  Oh, by the way, I believe her hair could bring peace to the middle east.


She was adorable with Morgan and Michael, though her lightning-fast integration with Sonny's family is concerning.


As is the record pace at which she became a mob apologist.  Sure, her testimony at the trial was charming and fun, but that's only if you forget that 1) it was helping a hired killer get away with murder, and 2) it made Sonny even smugger than usual.


Fortunately, all mocking opportunities are not lost, because Kate has been unable to remove Sonny's duh face from his expressions repertoire.  My dog makes this exact same face when he hears a doorbell on the TV:


But my dog never, ever makes this face.  At least not in front of me.  THANK GOD.


Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.


Hilarious as usual! The Lucky screencaps. . . Jason Morgan's neck (". . . poorly coiffed, and filled with secret pain" haha!). . . Sonny's duh face --extra hilarious! Brilliant, EBT.

One question about the stupidest trial since the last stupidest trial: if the DA's entire case hinges on Sonny having called Jason to give him the order to kill. . . WHY ISN'T SONNY ON TRIAL, TOO???

Stupid GH.

Sorry, even for snark's sake I cannot call Jax and Irina a 'hookup.' I'd love it if it were; Carly deserves to have her hubby have a wild fling. But beating and torturing and threatening a man into sex...yeah, so not sexy.

Don't let yourself be blinded by the cute clothes and prettiness...Liz is more than worthy of your hate!

I really don't know what's going on with this new Jax story, but I'm with you that if it hastens the inevitable Carly-Jax break-up then I can get behind it.

I also agree with you on Logan and Lulu, they're really starting to work now.

I am sitting here in tears! You are so right on with all of your comments. The screecaps of Lucky are hilarious -- his scenes were the funniest on GH this year. It looked like he was counting backwards in his head when Ric mentioned when Liz slept with Jason and how old Jake is. Really funny stuff.

And you are so right about Jason. Until the writers make him lose some of the time, I cannot get behind this character and it does make me hate any character in his orbit. I hope they tell the story of Jason re-evaluating the choices he's made. It is a story waiting to happen.

After Alan died they were starting to go in a Jason-remembers-his-past-self direction. Weren't they? What happened to that? Jason Morgan is such a horrible character. He must have a zillion fans, though, or why would he be elevated to such status on this show? Ditto, of course, Sonny. Blecch, both of them. Who are all these viewers that find these dunderhead (or, rather, duh-nderhead) thugs worthy of adulation?

On a brighter note, Jax sure looked yummy once he cleaned up. The story sucks, though.

I've got a friend who does Rocky Horror, and that screenshot of Jason's neck made me think of the criminologist. Every time he appears onscreen, the audience shouts "Where's your [effin'] neck?" or some variation thereof. I saw the picture before I even saw your comment, and nearly yelled the same line at my computer screen.


Oh, sorry. I was just cleaning up the drool on my keyboard after staring at those Greg Vaughn screencaps. Good LORD!

Your week in review is better than Kate's hair! Because your review is supported by alot of other related genius. Kate has become, or is well on her way to becoming another one of Sonny's retarded cheerleaders. Another wasted female on GH. Guza hates women, especially smart independant successful women. Hence Alexis loosing Molly during her cancer struggle, and Robin coming back to PC to be disrespected by her loving boyfriend and making her seem petty and insecure and often uptight and dorky...NOT true.

Plus if you are a pregnant woman on GH you will either be killed, shot, thrown down some stairs, locked in a panic room by Ric or Helena, miscarry or deliver a spawn from hell like Michael!!!!!

If Guza hates women so much and shows us all this constantly on GH, why does he work in Soaps? He could write for the Man Show or ESPN right? Fox News could use someone with his creativity. They disrespect and hate all kinds of women there.

MB/Sonny's expressions and pronunciations need to come with a upchuck warning. Like the colored scale Dubya approved for terror alert and readiness levels. A RED bar at the bottom of the screen would indicate the likely upcoming use of his favorite word...DEEEEVORCE. Orange for the smug grin indicating he has bedded another once intelligent woman and drug drug her to the dark side. Etc....

My Aunt once said, sadly in attempt to bolster my pre-teen beauty angst, that before birth we all get in line for either beauty or brains. Ouch! I got better looking post braces. Anyway, this Lucky/GV clearly only got in the beauty line, and he looks like he was there first. Hence he didn't even take a number for some brains.

Since GH has gone so deep into the crapper, and I have not cared for Lulu since she chose to become a mini Carly and bed her married stepbrother by lying to him and making one stupid decision after the next ever since, including fashion, I have come up w/ vile storyline Guza will love! (Evil Laugh)

Be warned, this is a sick joke. To mirror history in a way to blow everyone's minds to pieces Logan should rape Lulu. She'll eventually decides she loves him anyway and forgive him. Hence shooting them into supercoupledom. Scotty will finally realize Logan is his son, and the kid became Luke Jr. because he abandonned him back in Texas. The shame will force Scotty to leave PC and find Sarena, because she is still living and his daughter. Guza will sickly use this to try and bond Luke and Logan thus disgusting fans and characters alike. Even Tony Geary admits the rape to supercouple makes no sense and is a kick in the face to women and sexual crimes. But TG was sooooo amazing on screen they had to BS their way to keep him longer than his 8 week contract. It seems soaps have always been insane. (Uchhhhhh!)

Speaking of rape...I think Irina might force Jax into the deed. Wasn't this on OLTL last year? I have long since lost interest in Jax though. Unless it will hurt Carly he is nothing more than a cry for sunscreen. I am pretty sure that overly dramatic accent is faux Ruskie. But can we discuss those choppers?!?!?!?!

OMG, Irina's teeth are the largest whitest caps I've ever effin' seen. And I live in LA. It's like her dentist is trying to create something the cosmonauts on the Mir space station can see w/out instruments. Like the Great Wall of China or the beam of light from the Luxor Hotel in Vegas!

Unreal, she can barely close her mouth when she talks. Her lips can't cover the massive distance between uppers and lowers. She's a freakin' mouth breather by dental perversity. Rape Jax, kill Jax, torture Jerry, whatever, just get thee to a real dentist and fast.

I love hotly bantering Scrubs. They are so beautiful, talented , and sexy. Maybe if they killed people for money, wore hideous clothes, or screamed like toddlers demanding goldfish crackers 24/7 they could actually be on the show at least as much as Spinelli. Maybe St. Jason can get sick again just so we can get a peek at Scrubs?

As for the trial, oy. Pee Wee's Playhouse had more realistic and dramatic courtroom scenes. It's way past bad, this trial is a joke and in insult to viewers. How anyone responsible can take credit for writing or producing it is beyond me. Be ashamed, be very ashmed!

Pretty but dim is what I call Cooper. If not for Maxie I don't even know if he would remember to breath.

You both have to STOP IT!!! I cannot have this much hysterical laughter in my life. Like so many others, I only watch this effing show so that I can enjoy your blog.

The Greg Vaughn screen caps -- I laughed so hard, I woke the cat!

I would love to see the contracts signed by the new male actors: "...and you are required to perform at least one shirtless scene per week." We have seen Jerry Jax, Logan and Cooper all shirtless more than once in the last few weeks. Cooper & Logan shirtless...yum!

Has anyone else noticed some of the new music on the show?

"Don't let yourself be blinded by the cute clothes and prettiness...Liz is more than worthy of your hate!" Kelly Monaco, is that you???

Sarah, I agree, Guza should write for someone else. Perhaps HGTV or Logo. Better yet, I believe that Hallmark is starting a line of greeting cards for pets; this would be the perfect job for Guza's talents: bow wow and meow!

Jason's trial, like Alexis' custody trial and Luke's 'Laura guardianship' trial, is idiotic. Again, this show is called GENERAL HOSPITAL, not LAW & ORDER, neither of which TIIC of GH do well. If you can't write a legal story line with some degree of accuracy, don't bother. It embarasses you and it insults the audience.

Here's a story idea for the November sweeps: huge fire in the building were Jason & Sonny live and where others are visiting. Sonny excapes, but has amnesia (a Soap Opera staple) and believes that he is a gay chef & restaurateur. Carly is so traumatized that she is rendered speechless. Jax leaves her for Sam, and they go off to a tropical island try to see who can be the tannest. Jason finds God, enters the seminary and his missing neck is discovered behind a rabbinical collar. Lucky gets hooked on Prozac, which causes erectile dysfunction (a new and touching storyline for a Soap); Liz finds she has no one to impregnate her, so she goes crazy and becomes the town slut. Lulu realizes that since she is old enough to drink beer, she is old enough to not live with the Quartermaines, so she moves out, goes to work as Kate's PC assistant, and learns how to dress and speak without shrieking. Robin and Patrick quit General Hospital and open a medical clinic together -- and high-profile guest stars make cameos as their patients. Alexis and Diane form a law firm and go after corruption in the DA's office. Maxie & Cooper make a sex tape that shows up on the internet. Georgie plays Pygmalion to Spinelli and together they re-decorate Kelly's. Michael Corinthos III is kidnapped, Luke and Robert Scorpio return and spend the next few months on a wild adventure trying to find him. (Whether or not they find Michael isn't important; just so long as they have an adventure!). And the residents of Port Charles must decide if Cameron is either Damien or a boy genius...

Any other ideas...?

I love Revenge Maiden's scenario. Very funny.

Not liking the potential in the Irina storyline for a Jax-Carly breakup. I know I'm in a lonely minority, but I like them together. Mallory, Becca, it's like you always say: they're pretty! Two tall pretty, healthy blondes with white teeth and sparkling eyes.

Quite the escape from the GH world of sexy, where the standard of attractive is set by tiny, scowling, greasy mobsters and hitmen with no necks and blank eyes.

RM - "Alexis and Diane form a law firm and go after corruption in the DA's office."

I loved this idea. ^_^ I was cracking up over most of your ideas, RM.

Becca, great stuff!

Liz does know how to dress, but I still hate her,and I'm not even Kelly Monaco. Why'd she commit perjury? She is both dumb and manipulative. The first thing she could think to do after lying on the witness stand was run into Jason's arms?! L.O.S.E.R.

GV is cute and horribly clueless as Luke. Poor guy.

I can only hope Jason gets sent to prison and we can watch more Robin and Patrick.

You are right that Kate makes Sonny more bearable, not by much.

I greatly dislike Logan, he just seems like another Luke (a character - dare I say? - that I've never liked - that whole rape thing bugged me and I never got over it). They always say girls fall for their fathers. Eh...

Georgie needs a story and I'm with RM that she should pull a Pygmalion on Spinelli and then they become the super couple. :D

Sigh….You ladies must be getting sick by now of everyone saying that reading your recaps if far more enjoyable than watching the actual show but it’s true. And sad. GH has so much going for it – great cast, history, characters – that it’s really a shame that someone like Guza (who obviously feels he is too good for soaps) is allowed to have free reign.

It also appears that it’s unanimous – Guza HATES women. Why is he allowed to continue to be head writer for a genre that (for the most part) is geared towards women? I don’t even have a problem with the show (which, by the way, is supposed to be about a hospital) having a mobster and his hitman as characters. MY problem is that they are portrayed as being the leading romantic heroes of the show. WTF?

On a different note, Brett, I have to agree with this statement: “Quite the escape from the GH world of sexy, where the standard of attractive is set by tiny, scowling, greasy mobsters and hitmen with no necks and blank eyes.” Can I get an AMEN?!

You both have to STOP IT!!! I cannot have this much hysterical laughter in my life. Like so many others, I only watch this effing show so that I can enjoy your blog.

Hey, I haven't seen a single day since Genie was once again replaced by The Wig, and I still come here every day and laugh myself silly.

why cant guza put liz and jason together why are they making patrick and robin so perfect and sunny and kate so perfect as the hottest couple on gh why cant they put liz and jason as the hottest couple on gh

Logan and Lulu are so adorable, must be that just pinch their face quality with both Julie and Josh. I mean they are cute aprat but together, watch out, I think they maybe the next big thing, and def hit it off with fans.

Fav scene so far?
The scene where Logan tells Lulu about the war, and she is very understanding...and so hot for him, damn door is always knocking...Logan needs to move!

all you Liz haters go and f*ck your self and get off your high horse and also Leave Jason alone and go fuck yourself and your intire family.

your mother is A Loser you fucking idiot.: Brett

I totally agree with this comment, thanks for sharing, have a nice day!!

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