Night Shift Episode 5: Bed, Bath and Be Gone

There are times, more often than not, that my standards for entertainment are not that high. I enjoy quality things, but, you know, I read US Weekly. I watch The Hills. I firmly believe that Christina Aguilera can do no wrong.

But I do have some standards. And it's becoming more and more clear as each episode is aired that General Hospital: Night Shift is not up to those vague, not really that high at all, standards.

Since the promising pilot, the quality has veered from the downright tragically awful, to the so-so, to the unbearably boring to...whatever this episode was.

We open on an artfully grainy dream sequence of Kelly having sex with...the Carver? Michael Meyers? Michael Jackson? She wakes up, panting and terrified, as anyone would be after a nightmare like that.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Billy Dee Williams is suavely mopping the floor and seems to be grooving to music in his head whilst doing so. Can one groove to "When The Saints Go Marching In"? Epiphany flirtatiously stares at him. This plot makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Robin and Patrick convene at the nurse's station and adorably banter about how life used to be, before they were welcomed to the night shift [,bitch]. Epiphany yells at them for getting in the way of the masterful mopping job Billy Dee is doing. I think she may have batted her eyelashes.

In the locker room, Paulo comes up to Kelly from behind, and she coldly gives him the brush off and actually recoils from his touch. As she should because, dude, he's a total sketch. Andy overhears this entire scene, and looks concerned. When Kelly sees him, she completely freaks out, asking if she's the "night deposit box". Andy awkwardly stammers something about asking her to go get beignets later. This is the second time the poor guy was brutally rebuffed after offering to take a girl out for food and he looks honestly confused and crestfallen that his delicious plan did not work. I'd go out for waffles or beignets with him!

Spinelli, in scrubs, sprints up to Jason. He spinellis that he is desperate and needs Jason to help him with a cover because he wants to impress his gorgeous angel of mercy. On cue, Jolene comes over, and Spinelli starts with the rapid fire babbling about his "devious disguise" being part of an undercover assignment for Stone Cold. He loudly asks everyone in the ER for their assistance in eradicating evildoers. Epiphany lectures him for wasting her time, which (and I will probably never say this again, so savor it now), for real, Pip. Spinelli is ashamed of himself, and even more so when Jolene tells him that he should take the scrubs off. Jason gives him a WTF? look. How many "WTF, Spinelli?" looks do you think Steve Burton has in his arsenal? They're all subtly different from one another.

Patrick and Robin are bantering again. They talk about wanting to go to the Bahamas and, in lieu of a fancy trip, plan to meet for some private time on the roof. Please raise your hand if you think this rooftop meeting will go as planned.

Hey, welcome back, Jared and Mean Dad! Jared's parents watch over him in his comatose state. Mom says that Jared looks peaceful. Mean Dad, unable to let a moment go by without inserting a comment of the jackass sort, says that Jared is troubled AND trouble, and if he had just listened to a word that Mean Dad ever said, none of this ever would have happened. 

Back in the ER, Jason is growing even more frustrated with Spinelli's pathetic mooning over Jolene and suggests that he just "use normal words to talk to her". Spinelli takes this to mean that his idol thinks that he actually has a chance with Jolene and becomes completely verklempt. Before he can burst into tears, Leyla arrives to deliver a package to Jason, which is from a law office. Could it be a subpoena? Do nurses deliver packages to janitors? The packages is from Mrs. Storch and contains her clown tapestry, which she left for Jake. How...why...okay. So she died suddenly because of the machinations of the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE right after meeting Jake. Did she rewrite her will while in her hospital bed just to make sure that the baby who visited with the janitor got her horrific clown tapestry?

But I barely even had time to get worked up over that because, out of NOWHERE and without the slightest bit of warning, unless one considers the awful clown tapestry appearing in every episode to be an omen (I probably should have! I am the worst English major ever!) enters the most HORRIFIC THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER: a clown, looking unhinged and laughing manically. It was like all of my nightmares rolled into one large, greasepainted being. I nearly called Becca to ask if she could take over, mid-recap, because I didn't know if I could handle such a clown heavy episode.

(As I have mentioned before: I hate clowns! I've hated them ever since I can remember. My parents took me to the circus once when I was little, and we had to leave almost immediately because I was a wreck at the very sight of one. At one of my father's company picnics years ago, a clown forced me to play ring around the rosie, despite my repeated insistence that I wanted no part of his sinister games. And then, of course, there was IT, which spent time living in the freezer and led to years of me distrusting Tim Curry and, therefore, unable to appreciate the myriad charms of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Wild Thornberries)

Um, I apologize for this trip into my damaged psyche. But I want you to know how badly clowns freak me out and yet I soldiered on for you! That's how much I love you all.

In another part of the hospital, Ms. Sneed hobbles through the hallways, openly loathing the other human beings she comes into contract with. She furiously wakes up someone who was napping on a gurney, saying that "Medcam is watching" and that the bad press the hospital is getting (what with the murder of Mrs. Storch and all) is horrible. Maxie steps off the elevator, looking sick, and Coop is holding her hand, the perfect picture of the concerned boyfriend. They ask Ms. Sneed how she is and she bristles that the doctors told her she may never bowl competitively again. They really tried to be funny there, and they just missed. A for effort, though. Sneed snidely comments that handcuffs belong on a police officer's uniform only and, as fate would have it, she drops her purse at that very moment and out falls a pair of handcuffs. Oh, the hilarity! She stammers that they belong to her nephew, who enjoys playing cops and robbers. I would enjoy scenes with Ms. Sneed so much more if

• The actress wasn't terrible
• All scenes involved her being hit with her cane
• They were left on the cutting room floor

Outside of __________ Barrett's room, Ms. Sneed grouses that one more hospital slipup will mean that Medcam will own the hospital. She tells Regina not to screw up her excellent track record. The hell? I thought she was the person singlehandedly responsible for the screwup that almost led to a guy with a bad appendix having bypass surgery? Remember? Didn't Dr. Ford call her, like, a failure to her race? It was only three episodes ago! Anyway, once Regina opens the door to ________ Barrett's room, she sees that __________ is MIA. She makes her patented deer in the headlights face.

The clown continues to laugh like a deranged madman and here's where I KNOW the world has gone screwy or is playing a joke on me or something: Spinelli and I have something in common. I know! He hates clowns, too. He refers to them as "spine chillingly horrifying", which, word, Spinelli. And then more Jason/Spinelli hilarity ensues

Spinelli: There's something so weird about someone that would talk and act so strangely
Jason: (Dead silence, coupled with "If I knew what irony was, it'd use it to describe that" facial expression)

Hee.

________ Barrett is watching the scene unfold from afar. Okay, she's specifically watching Jason. Epiphany blusters over like a blustering thing and says that she feels that Billy Dee Williams is working too hard and that Jason is slacking off and how dare he, and, you know, more of the same. On her way back to the nurse's station, she goes full on coquette and giggles to Billy Dee that she can see her reflection in the tile. Um, worst flirting ever. _________ Barrett is still watching Jason, but her messiah watching reverie is broken by Regina, who comes to take her back to her room. 

Andy is treating Mr. Minx, who handily exposits that he has REM Behavior Disorder, which causes people to act out their dreams while they're sleeping. He says it's a legitimate disease; his wife says that he's lying; I say that this is a complete Grey's Anatomy ripoff. Isn't Andy an anesthesiologist? Why is he treating this patient? Do anesthesiologists do that? I'm part confused and part past caring.

Back in the land of where daddy issues run amok, Robin approaches Jared's mom and tells her that miracles do happen. She tells the story about Jason and Jason's accident and subsequent brain injury and how Jason woke up and went on to become the best little mafia hitman the world has ever seen. I'm not doctor, but I thought it was completely irresponsible for Robin to give Jared's mom such false hope that her son would wake up and follow in Jason's footsteps and become the most angelic hired murderer in the universe. Mom sighs that "you love your child, even if they don't know it", which Jason overhears and stares blankly at. Hey, I wonder if that's supposed to relate to his issues with not being a part of Jake's life? I wonder...

The goddamn clown is still laughing like a maniac. He tells Patrick and Jolene that he laughs uncontrollably 20 or 30 times a day and during these laughing fits, his arms flail about. Honestly, that visual is absolutely terrifying. I can't think of anything more horrifying than that. Patrick and Jolene make identical "what in the name of hell?" faces. Patrick hotly orders an MRI and hotly storms out, walking right into Spinelli, who stares at Jolene with love and at the clown with fear.

Elsewhere, Leyla naps in bed as someone in a drab khaki jacket approaches. Could it be MYSTERIOUS FIGURE? The person gets into bed with her and wraps his arms around her. She wakes up and screams: it's random dream acting out man. Ha...ha?

Regina lectures __________ Barrett about getting up and traveling around the hospital, because she could get serious infections and losing a patient is the sort of thing that could get Regina kicked out of the nursing program. Offscreen, a harridan clears her throat and you know it's Epiphany, anxiously waiting to yell at Regina. Regina scurries out and Billy Dee Williams hums down the hallway, distracting Epiphany who says, and I must immortalize this line in print, "Like I always say, mistakes happen to the best of us". Her love for Billy Dee has obviously warped her mind, because she does not always say that. For starters, it doesn't contain an insult.

In Dr. Ford's office, Dr. Ford is coldly lecturing Paulo about his poor job performance, which has led staffers to complain. Wildly overacting, Paulo accuses Kelly of complaining and tells Dr. Ford that he "refused to do her", "Dr. Hot-to-Trot" wanted to have sex with him and that he's losing his job because he won't "give sexual favors to horny doctors" and if Dr. Ford "fires all the guys Dr. Lee has jumped, you won't have any staff members left". How utterly charming! And all delivered with the talent and flair of a third grader in a classroom production of If You Give a Moose a Muffin.

In the daddy issues ward, Jason and Mean Dad converge. I wonder if something will be said that will relate to the Jason/Jake dilemma? Mean Dad is looking for coffee, because he has a headache. Jason, concerned, asks if everything is okay. Mean Dad wants to know if Jason has kids and says that his son is lying in there in a coma that he may never come out of, and part of Mean Dad hopes he never does. They've been at war since Jared started puberty (which...um, is normal for any teenager/parent relationship, ever) and Mean Dad wonders how you love someone who refuses your love? Jason sagely says that "Maybe loving your kid isn't something you choose". Mean Dad mulls that over and wishes Jason luck, should Jason become a father. Jason stares blankly in response.

Andy awkwardly says that as far as afflictions go, this isn't the worst one Mr. Minx could have. Tell that to his wife, who thinks he's faking. He claims he had no idea he was groping Leyla. This entire plot is ridiculous. Andy tells them that Mr. Minx doesn't actually have REM behavior disorder, because you don't get out of bed with that. It seems more like chronic sleepwalking, which can be cured, if Mr. Minx wants it to be. He says that he does.

In a weird editing cut (actually, that goes without saying: the editing on this show blows), Andy is now in the hallway with Leo, who talk about Mr. Minx. Leo thinks that he's a genius, because this is a foolproof come-on, and that Andy should try it out. Aww, poor Andy. I think he'd still manage to screw it up.

In Maxie's hospital room, she's in bed and Coop is being gorgeous and supportive. And gorgeous. She tells him to leave, and Robin remarks that he's a good guy who really cares about Maxie. I wonder if Maxie's low self worth and self destructive impulses will try to change that...Maxie asks her cousin why she's not getting better, and Robin explains that MRSA is a tricky strain of the staph infection. Leo comes in and says the hospital is "like a circus tonight", like, hardy har har. We learn that Maxie has a fever and has gone into septic shock. She wants to go home, but Leo says she can't go anywhere.

Can I interrupt for another second just to remark on how great Kirsten Storms is? Honestly, a year ago we loathed Maxie and years before that, we never thought the actress playing Belle Black would be good for anything, but here she is, being legitimately awesome. It's one of those rare instances where I'm totally okay with being proven wrong.

Downstairs, Evil Clown is in bed, sleeping. Spinelli, clearly horrified, goes in and gently places the clown's creepy top hat on his creepy chest. The clown wakes up and laughs dementedly, freaking Spinelli out. He monologues that he's facing his demons by even talking to the clown. Back when Spinelli was a wee jackal, his granny (aww-I still love that he calls his grandmother granny) had a pitcher in the kitchen with a gaudy clown face on it and it was grossly lifelike and terrified Spinelli so much that when he was given milk from said pitcher, it led him to "spurn all white liquids, which is why [he] drink[s] the nectar of the gods" (Orange soda)? But when she threw out the pitcher, he was strangely sad.

The Pink Ladies are in the locker room, discussing Leyla getting groped. Regina makes a big show of asking the others if they hear that; "that" turns out to be silence. They are excited about this brief period of quiet. Regina jinxes it by talking about how peaceful it is and, as if on cue, Ms. Sneed interrupts and lectures them about...something, I don't know, does she ever need a reason to be a bitch to people? She coldly talks about the ongoing investigation into Mrs. Storch's death and tells them that she has to interview them all individually. Leyla is shocked and appalled by this, and Regina calls her out on her defensiveness. Leyla is irritated that Regina thinks she's guilty and storms away. Regina says those are not the actions of an innocent person. Jolene looks confused, though I'm not sure she's confused about Leyla or if that's just her usual face.

Immediately, Leyla is on the roof. How the hell did she get there so fast? Did she apparate? Patrick is suddenly on the roof as well. Yeah, I totally see this ending well. He offers to leave her alone, but we know that's not going to happen. She confesses that she's sick of always having to defend herself because she's different? I...what? Because she's Persian? Or because she has an accent? Or because she's pretty? I don't know and I had never noticed anybody treating her like she's different before. Admittedly, I try not to pay attention to her creepy scenes. She's crying and Patrick tells her, "That's not a good use of those pretty eyes". Oh my GOD, ENOUGH with the constant cycle  of banter-->bicker-->inappropriate Patrick flirting-->angry Robin disapproval-->passive aggressive makeup session-->sex-->lather-rinse-repeat. PLEASE. It's unoriginal, it's been done to death and it is a complete waste of the most popular coupling on GH in the past few years. You have two excellent actors with insane amounts of chemistry and this is really all you're capable of writing for them?

Leyla says that she has to graduate from the nursing program; Patrick says that she will, she's a fine nurse, but Leyla says it's not enough. She backstories that her parents lost everything in the revolution in Iran and fled to London, penniless. She got a scholarship and has people counting on her. Patrick says she's way too hard on herself and gives her a huge, inappropriate hug. Stop it with the inappropriate Leyla bonding, Patrick! I'm sorry, but Patrick is pissing me off and, regrettably, we are, once again, going to have to take away the hotly descriptor. I know, it hurts me, too, but I think it's necessary. You just don't do that!

And guess what happens at that very moment of inappropriate hugging? You're right! Robin walks up with two coffees and looks crestfallen at the sight of Patrick and Leyla hugging! I did not see that one coming at all!

Back in Maxie's room, Georgie is visiting! WOOO! She suspiciously asks who Leo is and just stops short of asking for all of his credentials and a copy of his med school diploma. Maxie says that she requested a cute doctor. Leo has test results: the septicemia is progressing and is now effecting BJ's heart.

The Land of Jared: Jared wakes up and takes his mother's hand. She weeps. Patrick and Robin watch wordlessly.

Mr. Minx sleepwalsk and Andy and Mrs. Minx follow him to see if he's legitimately ill, or just a pervert. They follow him down a dark hallway to a gurney where...Epiphany is napping. Cut to Mr. Minx with a black eye and Mrs. Minx apologizing profusely for ever doubting him. Andy says that he'll refer Mr. Minx to the Henderson Sleep Clinic, wishes him luck and leaves, proud of himself for a job well done. What a chump this guy is.

Kelly is doing paperwork of some sort when Dr. Ford and Ms. Sneed approach her to drop a bombshell: she and General Hospital are being sued by Paulo for sexual harassment. He's claiming that his firing was a personal vendetta on Kelly's part, and alleges that she made sexual advances that he rebuffed. She said she's lying. Ms. Sneed asks if they slept together and when Kelly doesn't answer, she's told that things are GH are bad enough, what with MYSTERIOUS FIGURES murdering elderly tapestry sewing patients, without doctors having sexual relations with orderlies. Kelly, like Regina before her, may have just handed GH over to the HMO and ruined Christmas and all that.

Elsewhere, Patrick asks Robin why she wasn't on the roof. Steadfastly refusing to use her words like a grown up and confront Patrick about the Leyla hugging, she evasively says she got paged to help with an accident. She changes the subject and wonders about Stacy, who she hasn't heard from. Patrick dismissively says that he's sure Stacy is okay. Geez, Patrick, you don't need to be a dick about it.

Back in Jared's room, Robin, Patrick and Jared's parents are piecing together details of the accident and how he didn't want his parents notified. He's shocked: why wouldn't he want them to be notified? He remembers being angry a lot and apologizes for being a horrible person. Mean Dad wonders if Jared is out of it. Patrick [redacted] tells him that Jared seems lucid and that it's not unusual to see personality changes. Mean Dad is practically happy dancing with glee over how he finally has a pleasant son. He's happy that his son was returned to us the way he's meant to be. Oh, dude, that's creepy. I hope parents watching this show don't start hoping for near fatal accidents to get rid of adolescent angst.

Maxie is trying to get on the elevator and go home. Georgie argues with her and tells her she has to stay, and during the fight, Maxie passes out. Cut to her hospital room, where she looks miserable and tells Georgie she should have just left her. Georgie accuses her of trying to kill herself and angrily tells her to go ahead and die. Ouch. Um, this storyline is actually really good and all players involved are great, but...why isn't this on the OG GH as well? And also, where the hell is Felicia? Don't tell me the best they can do is that she's still taking care of her grandmother. She's been on the verge of death, like, twenty times. If they refuse to bring Kristina Wagner back (sigh), can't they borrow the mop that plays Laura these days and put a Felicia wig on her? Not that I'd prefer that to Kristina Wagner returning, but at this point I just want Felicia to be in Port Charles for her daughter's near death experiences, or at least give me a plausible reason why she's not.

Mac! OMG! It's so good to see you! I'll enjoy it now, since we won't see you again until mid-November. He's stroking her hair and jumps into full overprotective dad mode when Leo enters. He interrogates Leo about what he's doing for Maxie, how he can treat her and why Monica isn't on the case, since Monica's treated Maxie since she was little. Leo concedes that Monica's great, but says that he's better. Maxie tells Mac to back off, because she trusts Leo. Trusts him, or wants to have sex with him? I'd undertand either, frankly...

In one of the few genuinely great moments of this episode, Spinelli sees Georgie weeping on a couch and goes to comfort her. He tells her about the clown, she tells him about her blowup with Maxie. Spinelli calls Maxie "the mouthy one" and immediately catches himself and apologizes. Georgie says that she's angry and scared, and didn't mean to unload on Maxie. Throughout this all, Spinelli is human and sympathetic and ohmigod, these two are adorable together.

Back to Patrick and the horrid clown. The clown assumes he has a brain tumor. Which he does, actually, but it's a treatable one that often effets those with a family history of migraines or brain tumors: it's called the joker face. Haw haw. Patrick [redacted] starts to tell him it's a benign tumor, when he is interrupted by a laughing fit. Holy god, I can't even tell you how much this storyline bothers me. I'm not going to be able to go to sleep tonight! Patrick [redacted] continues and says it's curable with surgery, and that he'll do the operation tonight.

Outside, Spinelli is eavesdropping and Billy Dee Williams tells him not to do that. Spinelli tells him how he poured his heart out to the clown, which Billy Dee wisely interprets as Spinelli talking the clown's ear off. He tells Spinelli that "sometimes a man needs some quiet in his own mind". Spinelli is awestruck and proclaims it a great quote, worthy of Stone Cold. Or, you know, a fortune cookie. Billy Dee tells Spinelli that the clown may just need a friend. Spinelli knows that his mission is clear and departs, bestowing the nickname "The Wise One" on Billy Dee, who sits down and puts his head in his hands, wondering how he went from Star Wars to this craphole of a show.

Andy and Leo walk through the halls, still discussing Mr. Minx. Leo is firm in his belief that Mr. Minx is faking it and that macking on Epiphany is the perfect cover for his inner perve. Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Minx go to leave, and Regina passes them. Mr. Minx stops and turns around to check her out. Hey, he IS faking! So we see that Andy is inept at (a)flirting and (b)his job. Good to know. He is cute, though, in an awkward, dweebish way.

In the Land of Jared, Robin is still watching Jared from outside, and Jason is lurking in the hallway. He asks if Jared woke up, and Robin tells him that he's like a totally different person. Now he likes his family, and is pleasant and it's like the accident brought the family back together. Patrick [redacted] walks into the hallway and overhears the Jason/Robin bonding moment. Robin tells Jason about her fears about having a baby, saying that her major concern had been her HIV, but now she wonders if her child will hate her, but she may never know. Patrick looks perturbed.

In Maxie's room, Georgie is sobbing and apologizing to Maxie for wishing her dead, which is nice. Miss Manners would approve. Maxie doesn't think any treatment will work and her eyes roll back into her head, as she crashes. Mac yells for help.

On the roof, Jolene and Regina admire the awful CGI sunrise and are proud that they survived another night shift. Someone puts on a terrible version of "Dancing in the Street" (If you're comparing covers of this song, you just can't beat the Van Halen version, in my opinion). This leads to the most unspeakably awful montage in recent memory:

• Kelly, in the locker room, looks dejected
• A trauma team rushes into Maxie's room and Leo does chest compressions
• Regina dances on the roof in front of the absurd looking sunset
• Epiphany leaves for the night, and is on the elevator with (who else?!) Billy Dee, who creepily stares her up and down and, through his magical mind powers, gets her to correctly push the elevator button <--NOT A EUPHEMISM
• On the roof is a full on, horrible, budget version of, like, West Side Story where everybody is dancing. Badly. Leyla walks onto the roof, looking sullen
• Back in Maxie's room, Mac and Georgie look terrified
• The creepy clown, out of costume, is being taken to surgery. Spinelli runs up alongside his gurney wearing the clown's wig. I'm sorry, I refuse to be heartwarmed by that. Don't let your guard down, Spinelli! He'll befriend you and then try to cannibalize you later!
• Leyla is steadfastly refusing to join the dancing. Patrick [redacted] smirks and dances up to her and offers her a hand. I just have to say: I have never, ever, seen a person dance more dorkily than Jason Thompson did in these last few minutes. I could barely stand to watch it. I was so profoundly embarrassed on his behalf.
• In the locker room, Andy hands Kelly a delicious looking beignet. She shyly accepts it, and they sit together in the locker room, eating
• Robin and Jason watch Jared's family bond. They hug warmly and she departs...
• ...for the roof, where she sees Leyla and Patrick [redacted] dancing. She looks gutted, as I would, if my boyfriend was dancing like that in front of people. And, you know, dancing with a student nurse and showing her more affection than he had given me since the show's premiere
• There is terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dancing to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad rendition of this song
• Maxie is unresponsive and flatlines

I just... I understand that the juxtaposition of Maxie dying with the dancing on the roof was supposed to be jarring, and perhaps in the hands of more competent writers, directors, and dancers, it would have been, but as presented, it was completely horrible. I really like musicals, and I'm okay with group dancing in the musical setting, but this was so hokey! I mean, really!

This episode was obviously engineered to upset me in every way possible. Between the flirtatious Epiphany, and the random dance break and the godforsaken clown, it was...painful. Just painful to watch. I still don't know how the promising pilot has mutated into this. It was a long, draggy, terrible hour of television. So much was wrong with it!

PATRICK AND ROBIN

Honestly, what will it take to get Awesome Writer on this writing staff to create an entertaining romance for these two? Look, I understand that it's hard to write a happy couple and not have it be totally boring. But...you know how on the OG GH, these two are madly in love with each other? On Night Shift, I sometimes wonder if they even like each other. It seems that the pilot was the last time they seemed like they were actually in a happy relationship. It's weird. Wasn't the show supposed to be centered around the two of them and their romance, which is hugely, enormously popular?

And I just don't know how a staff of trained writing professionals thinks anybody wants to see the exact same story played out every week:

Patrick and Robin BANTER
Patrick and Robin BICKER
Patrick FLIRTS with someone else
Robin sees and SILENTLY SEETHES
Patrick and Robin IGNORE THE ISSUES and move on

BBFSSITI, if you will. Also known as "crap".

THE CLOWN

I am the type of person who holds grudges, and this grudge will be held against Guza & Co. for a long time

EPIPHANY AND BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

I...don't get it. I think it's silly and a complete waste of Billy Dee Williams. You hire someone with actual talent, and he plays a janitor who is sort of creepy, sort of wise and sort of flirting with the most annoying character on the show? Great!

________ BARRETT

Although a minor story point this week, this continues to be dumb.

THE DANCING MONTAGE

No, seriously, what was that? How was I supposed to feel about it? Was it supposed to be adorable? It was horrible! I cringed all the way through it!

This effing show sucked me in with empty promises. They said Robin and Patrick would be the focal point! They said there would be nudity! And there's just...crap. 13 episodes of crap with bad dialogue, horrible writing, zero character growth, terribly conceived subplots. I feel hoodwinked, but I should have known better than to trust anything created by the brain trust behind the current state of GH.

Quality entertainment? Cameron says, bitch, please.

Comments

[Brett]

Mallory, terrific recap. You know, your recaps are kind of like Kodak used to be, back in the day: "the next best thing to being there." Thanks to you, I will never, ever, ever have to watch GH-NS to find out whether it's worthwhile.

Could it be that Jason, in the scenes with Jared's MEAN DAD, was thinking not about Jake, but Alan? You know, how for 12 years Alan kept loving Jason, even though Jason never returned it and never knew it, and how tragic it was for Alan that to face that his wonderful, smart, loving compassionate boy had been transfored into a blank-eyed hitman, and how Jason thwarted his dad's deathbed wish by choosing to chase after Mr. Craig instead of reconciling with Alan?

It he wasn't, he SHOULD have been.

[Jessica]

I have a theory that that Guza and his crew were so annoyed with Patrick and Robin's popularity when they weren't ::gasp:: part of the mob that they created NS solely to make people start hating them. And its working...at least with Patrick.

Job well done Guza, job well done.

[Jessica]

Also, I didn't even consider the supposed juxtaposition of the dancing and Maxie until you pointed it out. Of course, it was hard to concentrate when I was shielding my eyes from the horrible dance scenes.

[Sherrell]

Alright...I have 2 more problems with last night's episode that you didn't bring up

1. WHY was Robin not in scenes with Maxie more..seems like she would check on her really sick cousin!!

2. Wasn't this all supposed to be on the same night...a saturday night...so explain how Pablo could get fired...go out in the early morning hours of sunday...find a attorney...have them draw up lawsuits motions...etc, etc, etc.

and a thought...if this _______ Barrett person is in fact a member of the Barrett family we all know...and is in Port Charles...why only the obsession with Jason..what about Robin?

[Lori]

I loved your recap. This whole episode just made me sad and confused. The only part of Night Shift I love is your recaps afterward. I watched Night Shift because I thought that I would get a few moments of "warm fuzzies" from my Scrubs but all I get is a sick stomache. The thing that keeps me going is thinking that it can't get any worse, right?

[Marianne Jackson]

I bow before thee, oh, ye goddesses of soap opera commentary. Something is wrong when the main reason I'm hanging in with this show is to watch Robin give Patrick a screaming, ranting, cursing piece of her mind, before kicking him soundly and completely to the curb-and something is BAD wrong when Jason Morgan, Carly Cottage Hell asking Robin to be his "piece on the side" JASON MORGAN, looks like a preferable alternative to Patrick. WTH?! And if Guza means what he says about having Patrick's interactions w/the pink talentless one bleed over to GH, he will kill Scrubs altogether-b/c the thing about a character like Robin is this: I grew up with her, I'm always going to see her side of things, and he can try to make Patrick's assiness Robin's fault (see Rexis)all he wants, but it's not going to work. He's just going to ruin the best male lead GH has had in quite a while, and the best, hottest, most interesting couple GH has had in quite a while along with him. Sad. And, obviously, ITA 1,000,000% w/EVERYTHING you said. Go Mallory!

[scrubsfan23]

Love NS. It was very funny! I wish this was on every night! Each episode every week confirms that GH:NS is just a big dream. Patrick gets thrown to the ground from the exploding ambulance, hits his head very hard on the ground, is knocked unconscious & begins thinking/dreaming all this crazy stuff. LMAO. Too Funny!

[Sarah]

Guza has pulled a cruel bait and switch scam on us GH lovers who are desperate to see the show regain an ounce of it's former glory. NS episode #1 was decent enough to bring us back for more thinking a new show like NS would improve as it progressed, working out the kinks. SWITCH!!!! Each following episode becomes more sophmoric, painfully obvious, lacking drama or suspense, burying the lead supercouple and killing their characters w/ stupid comments and repetitive boring unrealistic scenes, and clowns? Guza and the gang must get really high before scripting this piece of crap week after week.

Speaking of getting high.....if one continues to watch this trainwreck I prescribe the following.

1.) hallucenagenic mushrooms
2.) wacky weed
3.) anti emetics (to stop that pesky vomiting NS induces

4.) antidepressants (watching Scrubs crumble into oblivion renders me hopeless)

5.) sleep mask (incase of further montages)

[Michelle]

I *heart* you!

[Heather]

My ff girls and I were beyond pissed last night, but we found solace that with another awful episode of (as we so lovingly dubbed it) "Night Sh!t" we were able to get another hilariously entertaining recap from this wonderful blog.

Leyla is different...omg...kill.me.now. She's different how? That she has men falling at her feet over her?

And I'm a white Irish girl, so I can't really insult Patrick's dancing...that's too pot/kettle/black. But still…dude, know when to hang out by the table with the punch!

But you're totally right. He has shown Leyla more affection than he's shown his own girlfriend, and quite frankly I hope NS Robin dumps NS Patrick's lame butt.

PS I totally thought that masked guy in the beginning was that creepy killer from Passions.

sorry, am so done with patrick. don't care whether he is GH or NS patrick. i hate who robin is and how they portray har in that relationship.cos all i keep getting is patrick is good, robin is bad, patrick is trying to be friendly and robin is overreacting. they make patrick do somethng that is inappropraite but yet make it look harmless and robin walks in on it and is overreacting blah blah blah. ENOUGH. i just want to enjoy robin away from patrick.i want her interacting with other people and to have her own case. and trying to make robin look bad to make patrick look good will be a terrible mistake on the writers part.i just want to enjoy my girl.

Serial Drama cracks me up! Did you know that Clown phobia is really common? Why would NS do that to people? And Leyla's Slasher? I heard they are auditioning Freddie Krueger.

As for the dancing...cringe worthy. While Patrick's hands were in the air with fingers snapping, my eyes were peeking through my fingers. I actually think I blushed.

[Fan of GH]

I love you. I really do.

I think this is the last episode I will be watching. My Scrubs heart can't take the daggers being pushed into it. I know it's going to get worse and I won't be able to take it. I know there won't be a great payoff to make up for the crap that's going to be dished out. I just won't do that to myself. (and it is going to get bad b/c these last episodes were nothing).

I will continue to read your NS recaps because it does make me feel better. I shouldn't feel depress on Fridays b/c of a stupid show. It's soooo not worth it.

Your witty sense of style has put a smile on my face.

Thank you.

[Kathy]

Other than Maxie, Georgie, & Spinelli, your recap is the only good thing that came out of last night's episode. Thank you so much!

Also, just wondering how Patrick was going to perform Mr. Clown's surgery at the same time he was up on the roof, channeling his inner Elaine (see:Seinfeld). The editing on this show sucks!

[Sarah]

I have stopped watching this crap they call entertainment. Thank you for your recap. I'm sorry you have to watch. You are awesome and completely right.

Where or where is Awesome Writer?

[michelle]

i really feel bad for jt/kmc..they are both extremely talented actors with oodles of chemistry..tptb have totally destroyed 'scrubs' on NS..what a letdown..and please, don't make jt dance anymore..he's so good looking, he doesnt' have to..he can just stand there and look pretty..i just hope jt has rhythm where it counts..

[eLe]

I thank you so much. I deleted the show accidently before watching it and you know what, after reading this i don't feel so bad. first because it yet again was depressingly bad, and second because you made it all seem so much more laughable. thanks!

[Kelly]

Word to every thing you said about Scrubs.

There is a reason I have only watched the first 2 episodes & will never ever watch it again.

If ABC ever needed a reason to fire TIIC they have one now.

[mipaloma]

Love your recap!

So, I'm not the only one who watched most of last night's episode with my hands covering my eyes. I don't think I have cringed so much in an hour!! The dancing montage finally pushed me over the edge--I almost suffocated from the pillow over my face!

The first episode wasn't perfect, but I was willing to give NS the benefit of the doubt. Besides, I love Scrubs. But, seriously, last night's eppy had to be an all time low...can it POSSIBLY get any worse!?!?! Part of me is afraid to watch to find out; but the other part of me still clings to some misguided hope that they'll salvage this thing.

I don't know who I want fired/slapped/knocked around first: TPTB for thinking this episode was ok to be aired; the writers for writing this crap; or the actors for actually spewing the crap they've been given and thinking it would help their careers!

I'm going to go out on a limb and say NS isn't going to have it's run extended beyond the 13 eppys...just a guess.

[Amy]

What about the clown in 'Poltergeist'?? I was fine with clowns before that, and still can't watch that scene as an adult.

I don't understand why SoapNet/Disney would squander an opportunity with a built-in audience by using subpar writers who couldn't write a medical drama to save their life. The current writing is sloppy and ridiculous, and completely wastes everyone's talents. The writers skate over moments that would deepen the characters, and focus on the absurd for laughs. I completely agree with the rant about Robin and Patrick (and many other things), that the talents and chemistry of these two actors aren't even utilized on the show. It's not a show about them, but a complete validation (perhaps purposefully so? conspiracies abound) of Guza's lack of talent in writing a show centered on the hospital.

[Just A Thought]

I was laughing at and completely agree with pretty much everything here (especially the clown stuff, they're freaking evil). And you're stuff is always great. But I do have a nitpick...

I know some people will have very similar thoughts and reactions to the same storylines, and Lord knows just about any long time GH fan is annoyed that Felicia is always MIA while her daughters go through a crisis. But, your Felicia rant sounded so familiar to me as I read it, and I looked and it is pretty identical to details in a post someone else on TWOP made when the Maxie illness thing first came up. The details, like her grandmother's age and the Laura wig are too similar, in my opinion.

Again, I know people have similar reactions to the same storylines, and can have similar thoughts, but it's kind of..odd..to read a pretty identical rant here that I've seen someone else post elsewhere. If it is a coincidence, I apologize for bringing it up. If it's not, I think if you're going to let someone else's ideas heavily influence the content of your recaps, it should be prefaced with an "as others have said.."

Just my two cents.

[Mallory]

Thank you for being so polite, Just A Thought, and don't apologize. It was a coincidence. I don't record the show and I do the recap as I'm watching it (I'm a total nightmare to deal with the next day, but it's the kind of sacrifice we are fond of at Serial Drama). Becca and I refrain from regularly reading TWoP and other soap message boards for that very reason. The Laura wig, in particular, seems to be a in-joke all across the soap community that's taken on a life of its own. Becca made one in her latest Soap Opera Digest column, and Genie Francis made one of her own, too.

May I just say that it thrills me to see all of the clown hatred in these comments? I love it that others suffer from coulrophobia. It makes me feel like less of a wimp.

[Just A Thought]

Thank you for taking that in the spirit it was intended, and I definitely am glad you didn't take it as accusatory or insulting. It just reminded me so much of something I had read and laughed at before, and I figured it had to be TWOP, since it's the only other place I regularly read about soaps. But, like I said, I can see how two viewers can have similar views about the same stories, especially when the mistakes GH:NS is making are so painfully blatant at times.
And (Bozo) buckets of word on the beautiful clown hatred. May freaky clown man never darken my screen again.

[Marlene]

I keep believing that we are going to get this big scrubs wedding to make up for this crap they are giving us now!!!

[Rick]

You should be the writer, Guza I believe wanted to destroy scrubs be he cant, I adore JT but, I would like to kick him in the head.He looked like a fool and again poor Robin is quiet, Layla is a stalker I hate every minute of this stupid story. They are trying to destroy but, cant happen but, Patrick they are really making him look like I am sorry an ass.I think they need Karen Harris or if not her a fifth grader. I can't watch Patrick be cruel to Robin and nice to a woman who has to be a nurse,Jason I am happy he is there as a friend. Patrick thinks Robin is wrong being jealous what world does he live in,Robin will come back to life and speak up and maybe Patrick will realize fools rush in where wise men never go!! Love scrubs forever!

[Canadian Girl]

This is my first post & I think you are all hilarious. I'm from Canada & was heartbroken when I realized that I would never see NS. However, I read your column faithfully and even though I'd love to see more Scrubs, I seriously doubt I could handle the massacre that seems to be taking place. Are the writers deranged? Have they all become possessed by crazy clowns? (they seem to love them) Okay, let's take a super popular couple with wicked chemistry and - wait - lets make them completely unwatchable! Please writers, many of the viewers tuning in must be Scrubs fans, why oh why do you hate us so? While I'm asking, pretty please don't drag that idiot nurse with the accent over to GH so Patrick can flirt with her there too - GH is on at dinner time & I'll get sick watching it....wait- maybe that would be a great new diet....no, not worth it. I guess watching Scrubs have the same argument over & over on the 2 days a week that they're actually on the show doesn't seem so bad compared to what I'm reading here! That said, your posts make me literally laugh out loud - so I'll continue reading, but sadly I've called off the rally to persuade our satellite providers here to carry Direct TV any time soon. I'll keep reading to see if TPTB come to their senses and write a show that won't give me nightmares - then I may get my picket signs back out! Thanks for giving me the giggles every time I'm here.

[Sherrell]

I don't know if you guys watch "The Soup" on E! but GH:NS was discussed this week..or more specifically the clown was! It was hilarious (and you will giggle at the way the describe the show)