Serial Drama

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

You guys, I'm hanging in, but the recent awesomeness of Days is rapidly disappearing.  What's going on?  I thought the backstage changes were going to start kicking things into high gear and the show would realize its potential in time to spike good ratings and avoid cancellation.  But . . . nothing much of anything is going on.  Even the summer's biggest reveal is kind of happening with a whimper.  I'm worried the show really is on its last legs.  It's all very depressing.  Not on par with, say, Darfur, or how badly the Baldwin brothers are aging, but depressing nonetheless.

Talk about depressing:  Oh my god, they killed Benji!

I know he'd only been around for a little while this time, but I remember the character of Benji from when Steve and Kayla found him on their honeymoon (which I had a relative secretly tape while I was at horse camp).  His murder makes sense for the story, and gave Stephen Nichols yet another opportunity to shine

but man, I need an uplifting story on this show, soon.

(I also need Stephen Nichols to cut his hair.)

Is the hair and makeup department just totally over the Colleen/Santo storyline?  Because they aren't even trying anymore. 

You can see the wig line and glue on her forehead!  And those eyebrows.  Those are scarier than that Irish cliff.

And I love that they finally realized the guy they cast as Colleen's dad is about 20 years too young, so they just went to the local Halloween store and got some spray-on gray.

It's as authentic as the accents!

General Hospital Week in Review

Maybe it's because I spent most of the week pondering my scathing speaking ways, but GH continued to occupy "meh" territory for me.  Nothing outwardly offensive, nothing soapily fabulous.  I think the powers-that-be are relying on the apparently upcoming mob war to make things interesting, which will at least give me something to write about (hint:  not positively).  Until then, some random observations for you. . .

I'm sure I was supposed to feel for Elizabeth and admire Jason for coming clean, but I could only sit and laugh myself into an unattractive snort-fest as the usually uncommunicative hitman revealed to Liz the list of people who thanks to him know the "secret" of Jake's paternity:

• Sam
• Amelia
• Sonny
• Spinelli
• Lulu
• Diane
• probably Emily

Hee!  It was like the "secret" that the two of them had slept together in the first place, but better, because one of the characters actually stood there and rattled off the list of secret-knowers.  Awesome. Well, "awesome," in that it was unintentional comedy, but I'll take awesomeness where I can get it with this mess of a soap.

Their scenes together in the barn (is there a more fabulous cliché in all of daytime than the romantic barn?) were pretty good.  Becky Herbst and Steve Burton have great chemistry, and Liz and Jason as a couple is a long time coming, I suppose.  But I swear, if they don't write Jason out of the mob before pairing them up I will . . . well, there's nothing I can do, but I'll be even more critical than usual. My friends and family have therefore started a Jason Leaves the Mob letter-writing campaign.

Night Shift Episode 12: What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Leyla and Patrick did the nasty; Robin found out that Leyla and Patrick did the nasty; Robin briefly kidnapped Stacy's baby before finally returning her to her father; Kelly and Andy tried to help each other with their addictions but didn't realize that they needed to be saved from themselves; Jolene and MedCam continued their evil planning; Cody pulled the plug on Lainey's father; Spinelli ruined by entire year with his freakout over his self-diagnosed sex addiction; the _______ Barrett storyline was introduced and promptly forgotten; Billy Dee was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor

Becca had a scheduling conflict last night, so you have me for another week. And I think we all know that "scheduling conflict" means "turning to the guidance of the Amish rather than allow one more second of Night Shift to pollute her innocent eyes".

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Marlena: At least it feels like we're doing something now.

Yes, Doc, your helpfulness was completely overwhelming. Please make sure to take a break today and rest up from the energy you used to read letters aloud in a pub while the father of your children is missing and your daughter is running around town in peril looking for her kidnapped husband and kidnapped enemy while, incidentally, being pregnant with elephant babies.

It's not like they even did shadow puppets! I'd be more inclined to think they were doing something useful if their pow wow involved shadow puppets, because shadow puppets rule, but as it stands now this is just another reason I am happy that the Brady family is fictional and also not related to me.

An Inside Look

From: Ms. X
To: Lynn Marie Latham
Subject: Writing

I wanted to thank you for the great opportunity you gave me when you hired me to join your writing staff. I'm sorry that I vented for so long about how I hated my job while I rang you up at the Gap, but offering me a job was above and beyond your call of duty. Thank you so much. I look forward to working with you. I'm going to spend this weekend reading up on character histories and watching old clips on YouTube.

From: Ms. X
To: Lynn Marie Latham
Re: Writing

Well...if you think that a knowledge of the show's history isn't important, I won't bother. But from what I did read up on, I think there's a great character to work with: Jill. She's unbelievably complex and when I saw Jess Walton on line for coffee this morning, I was blown away by how stunning she is. I was thinking that we could do something great with the fallout of her fiance's death. I'm seeing lots of dramatic monologues and a grief-induced public breakdown. Maybe we can find a way to bring her son back from Hong Kong to help her recover?

From: Ms. X
To: Lynn Marie Latham
Re: Writing

I guess I see what you're saying about Noah being a better character than Jill, but doesn't it count as plagiarism if we lift plots from Family Circus and have him act out the role of Jeffy?

Best Comment Ever

All of you who read Serial Drama regularly and comment, telling us you agree with our opinions and think we're funny, or disagreeing and providing a reasoned and witty counterpoint, we really do appreciate you.  But I'm sure you'll forgive me when I say that this comment I received last week is the best in the history of the site.

i think you people writing are the most scathing speaking people i have ever run into! yes, i think any soap goes thru lulls in thier story lines but dont freaking watch them if you are so diggusted! im sitting here nauseated reading the mean things you have said about every single person on day time!!!!!!!!!! if you had any talent you would be in L.A doing some form of acting on a soap . i think you are troubled pepole that have to completly trash other people to survive !i will not ever read anything on this site again. my hats off to all of teh cast on general hospital ! katie f

This brilliant polemic really has to be examined more closely.  Remember those sentence diagrams we had to do back in grade school?  I would love to have the use of those for this purpose, but alas, technology limits me. 

i think you people writing are the most scathing speaking people i have ever run into!

It's evidence of my true nature that I'm kind of proud of this "most scathing speaking" distinction.  And I realize that by putting this comment on blast I am in fact upping the scathing factor to a new level.  Does that bother me?  Not really.  There is also the possibility that "you people writing" applies not just to me and Mallory, but to our commenters as well.  So share the love, dear readers!  Embrace your scathing-speaking-ness.

im sitting here nauseated reading the mean things you have said about every single person on day time!!!!!!!!!!

This cracks me up because the comment is to this [two-month-old] General Hospital post, which is 1) about one week of one soap, and 2) arguably the most positive one I've ever done about GH.  I mean, for god's sake, I even said Sonny and Jason weren't really bugging me, and Maurice Benard was a little bit hot!  And I didn't insult a single performance!  What do you want, blood?! 

if you had any talent you would be in L.A doing some form of acting on a soap .

Well, sure, L.A. is where every talented person in the world lives and works, and acting on a soap is universally recognized as the peak of human existence.  But unfortunately, my humpback, lazy eye, marginal literacy, and fear of sunshine keep me chained to a professional career in the east. 

By the way, I love "some form of acting."  Is that what the guy who plays Jett on Days does?

i will not ever read anything on this site again.  my hats off to all of teh cast on general hospital !

We're always sad to lose a reader, particularly one of such insight and wit.  My troubled, no-talent self will try to get over it while I ponder the wrongness of my scathing-speaking ways.

Farewell, katie f and your many hats.  Farewell.

Dear Abby, I'm a Hitman in a Pickle

Dear Abby,

I have an etiquette question.  My aunt that I haven't really had a relationship with in nearly 15 years got married recently and her new husband has a grown daughter.  Let's call her . . . Ruru.  Ruru needs a place to stay.  She has assorted cousins, a grandmother with a house, an aunt with a brownstone, a brother with a regular-sized house, and another brother with a multi-winged castle.  But the slightly spastic kid who works for me (building video games and hacking into government computers) somehow asked my sort-of step-cousin Ruru to live with me instead. 

The thing is, a mafia boss pays me to kill people for a living.  So my life is a wee bit dangerous.  So dangerous that I'm not with the mother of my child, because we both think the violence that surrounds me is too much of a threat to her and my son if they were to live with me.  So dangerous that my last live-in girlfriend took a bullet intended for me to the uterus.  So dangerous that my condo has more weapons that many small nations.  So dangerous that I have multiple bodyguards.  So dangerous that I have bullet proof glass for windows.  So dangerous that in spite of all my security, I've been shot more times than 50 Cent. 

So I'm sure you know what my question is.  Now that I've made the obvious decision to let Ruru move in, may I ask her to use the everyday towels?  The guest ones were full price at Bloomingdale's and I'd rather keep them from pilling.

Sincerely,
Chasin' MoreGuns

P.S.  It's also okay if I tell her not to touch my hair products, right?

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

I can't really sum up the past couple of weeks on GH as anything other than my old standby, "meh."  Nothing offended me to my soap-watching core or made me want to construct monuments to hatred.  That's an improvement.  (Though the new mob war is starting -- can I get a collective "YAWN" on that, BTW -- so I'm sure the hate will be back soon.)  On the other hand, nothing was fabulous.  Kate is quickly being sacrified at the altar of Sonny, the couples I liked broke up, and while it was definitely nice to have a break from Carly's yelling, according to Friday's preview someone may shoot at her on today's episode, which will get her good and riled up. 

The few stories I have been enjoying are rushing past at such a pace that I'm quickly losing interest.  If there's one theme lately, it's the whiplash-inducing storytelling.  In the name of Gloria Monty, SLOW DOWN, YOU IDIOTS.  Did nobody tell these people that they're in charge of a soap opera?  You know, a serial drama that's on every day, thus affording the writers time to tell a story over months and months in order to draw the audience in and build attachment to characters?  What an unfortunate oversight. 

I was going to say that have no idea what his purported justification for this continuing hair-don't is

but maybe I haven't given him enough credit and Steve Burton is rebelling against the show's pacing using some kind of reverse psychology involving not getting a haircut:  "Oh hey, look how many months I can drag out something that should take ten minutes.  Who's brain-damaged now, assholes?  By the way, I was on vacation for a week -- is Jason a grandfather yet?"

Night Shift Episode 11: Fools In Love

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Robin had her insane lil' heart stamped on when Stacy's ex came to claim his daughter and quashed her crazy plan to adopt the baby; Patrick got horizontal with Leyla; the vicious, mean-spirited writers had bumbling, awkward Spinelli lose his virginity to a serial killer; Kelly was addicted to sex, which led her to do her best Katherine Heigl impression and strip to her skivvies and announce it to the world; Andy was addicted to drugs; Regina was bad at her job, and also had an abortion in the past, which...makes it okay that she's bad at her job, at least according to Dr. Julian; Cody assaulted Lainey on a regular basis and then bonded with her over her ill father; Billy Dee Williams had a few dizzy spells and collapsed

When I realized that it was Thursday (often, this is a big revelation for me, because I am oblivious to the world 2/3 of the time and I only pay attention the remaining 1/3 after I watch a lot of Law & Order and decide that I need to pay more attention to things because it will come in handy if I ever witness a crime and need to give a statement to the police), I was excited at first because Thursday means that it's practically Friday and Thursday also means The Office and I got to rewatch Pam's adorable smile when Jim asked her for dinner, and then I realized the downside of this particular Thursday: It was my week to recap Night Shift.

There are so many things I'd prefer to do: listen to Fall Out Boy. Clean my room. Read the collected works of TS Eliot. I'd draw the line at watching Celebrity Rap Superstar, but only just.

Lord, beer me strength.

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Nikolas:  All I can say is she’s trying, and maybe you’re just too angry for it to register.  But at some point you just need to put it down, Lucky.
Lucky:  I did.  Last night with Sam.  She made me remember who I am.  Lucky Spencer.  I’m not perfect.  But I am a good guy, after all.

Yeah, nothing says "good guy" like cheating on your wife with her worst enemy in a hot tub.

I had thought that the writers were intentionally writing Lucky as both moronic and assholish, to pave the way for a Liz and Jason reunion.  But is it possible they actually think Lucky is bright and a good guy?  Why am I even remotely surprised?