Night Shift Episode 9: Gutter Ball

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Lainey's father's condition is worsening and he needs surgery deemed by Dr. Ford to be unnecessary because Dr. Ford hates all human beings; we were introduced to a Kentucky fried southern caricature playing the MedCam guy; Epiphany mooned over Billy Dee Williams; Maxie had an abscess in BJ's heart and had emergency surgery performed by the increasingly dreamy Dr. Leo Julian,  but then flatlined due to the machinations of MYSTERIOUS FIGURE; MYSTERIOUS FIGURE was revealed to be Jolene; Robin contracted a case of baby rabies and made plans to adopt Stacy's daughter; Patrick observed the Robin hijinks and responded with his best impression of Marge Simpson's exasperated groan; Nazanin Boniadi was put on contract at the OG GH; Amanda Baker was tapped to play Babe on All My Children; the actress who plays Regina was like "What the hell?!"

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand, like why people have bad phone manners, trigonometry, how fax machines work, Fergie, etc. And now we can add something else to the list: how Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps were given a new show to write without ever having to provide anyone with an outline for how the 13 episodes would go.

BRIAN FRONS: We want you to write a show with some of the GH characters, but make it a little different.
BOB GUZA: What will I write about?
BRIAN FRONS: Don't know, don't care.
BOB GUZA: 'Kay!

I mean, giving this kind of freedom to two people with long track records of decimating shows seems unwise, to say the least.

The show is on for half a second, and we already have a "Patrick and Leyla do something seemingly suspicious that will likely turn out to be completely innocent or work related", like when they did this same thing with Patrick and Elizabeth last year. It looks like they are passing each other mash notes at the nurses station while speaking to each other in vague code words. Patrick asks if she's "sure about this"; she responds in the affirmative. He says, "If you're trying to impress me...it's working". Vom, Patrick! That was so cheesy that I half expected him to ask her what her sign was. I have very high standards for hot neurosurgeons, and I like to think that they'd be able to flirt more capably than that. Nearby, Ford lectures Epiphany about not performing unnecessary surgeries while Medcam lurks about. I'm sure that the show thinks that juxtaposition was way subtle.

Jolene pushes a wheelchair into a room and Spinelli sprints up after her. Before he can enter the room, Regina (wearing ANOTHER adorable scarf as a headband! She deserves to get a job after this show is over just because of her ability to wear cute hair accessories) asks why he's following Regina around. He spinellis that Jolene yelled at him last week and called her a stalker. Regina awesomely responds with, "So the solution is to follow her around some more?" He concedes that she has a point. She says to stop following Jolene around and tells him that Jolene is a nice girl. That's IRONIC, see? Because she KILLS PEOPLE. And that's NOT nice! Oh, this show is so not even a little ham-fisted.

Speaking of Jolene, MedCam tells her that they need another accident to make the hospital look bad; it needs to look like it was negligence on the part of GH and the patient needs to die. Dun dun dun. In true sociopath form, Jolene brightly, with dead eyes, says she'll take care of it.

At the nursery, __________Barrett approaches and gazes inside at Jason, who is holding Stacy's baby. Robin walks up and sees ________, and flips, angrily asking why she's so interested in this baby. Uh, marking your territory much, Robin? I don't like this crabby, unhinged version of Robin.

Leyla and Patrick are in a breakroom adjacent to the locker room. She tells him that she is so happy that he trusts her. Lainey comes in and fills them in on her dad's condition, and they discuss their plans for performing the forbidden surgery on Mr. Winters. Kelly breezes in and the three of them clam up. She gets offended, assuming that they were gossiping about her hoish tendencies. They tell her that they're going to operate on Lainey's dad. In case any viewers have severe ADD and memory problems like Guy Pearce in Memento, she recaps Ford's remark to Epiphany three and a half minutes ago about not performing any unnecessary surgeries. Patrick says that they'll have a good team of people, including Regina. Leyla bristles at Regina's inclusion, and Patrick offers to cut her off if Leyla doesn't want her on board. Wow, Patrick isn't even dating Leyla and he's already whipped. Kelly says she'll be there, and they all agree that they'll know what happen if they get caught: the doctors will be suspended and Leyla will get kicked out of the nursing program. I sort of wanted them to get caught just so the latter would happen, which is probably not what the writers were going for...

Lainey is all of a sudden getting off of the elevator when the unsavory and violent Cody approaches her, with his arm in a sling. He politely asks about her father and asks if she wants to know how he got hurt. She does not. He predictably asks for pain meds and says that as his doctor of record, she's the person who needs to prescribe them. She tells him to suck it. Or, you know, that she's not working and to come back on Monday. But even if she didn't tell him to suck it, that's what she meant. He grabs her arm violently and shouts that he got shot and it hurts like hell, and maybe she should get shot to understand the pain. I don't know what this writing staff's damage is with their relentless belief that violence is entertaining. Lainey gives in (come on, Lainey! You have horrible hair and now you're going to add weakness to your list of drawbacks? Boo!) and writes him a prescription for 4 pills to last until Monday. Cody angrily grabs the prescription and tells her that she doesn't need to be such a bitch. Ah, violence and misogyny. Two great tastes that go great together.

Back in the nursery, Jason is looking proudly at Stacy's baby. Robin walks in and says that the burn patient has been stopping by to look at Anna. He asks her if she named the baby Anna, and she asks what he calls her. He calls her "little girl". Hee. That's so Jason. He says he thinks Anna sounds good. I'm sorry, I just find it weird and creepy. Robin says that her hormones are screaming, and Jason tells her that babies don't know what hormones are, they just want to be held. Robin says that having children makes you lose your freedom, and Jason is confused by this. She clarifies that Patrick thinks that babies tie you down and make you boring and responsible. Jason agrees that you do have to give things up to keep children safe (kind of like how Jason gives stuff up to keep his son safe, except by "stuff" I mean "his son" and not "killing people for money") and says that when you have a baby in your arms, you'd die for them without a second thought; Robin wonders if Jason has ever thought about having kids, because he should be a dad. He says he can't, because it's too late for him to change his life. Sad face! :(

Jason is suddenly downstairs mopping alongside Billy Dee, who Epiphany watches with cartoon hearts floating around her head. Spinelli sprints up to Jason and apologizes for interrupting Jason as he "toil[s] with your menial but worthwhile task" and asks Jason if Jolene is frowning at Spinelli. Jason says she's actually smiling. But is she smiling at Spinelli or Jason?! Oh, the wacky hijinks that are coming. Can't wait! Jason is exasperated that Spinelli is in the way of Jason's mopping and Spinelli tells him that he's taking the cleaning thing awfully seriously. Jason glares at him.

Leo mentions that he needs the OR first thing Monday morning, but asks that it not be OR 4. Andy ambles up and Leo sneers at him, wondering if he can be trusted to intubate without suffocating the patient. Andy asks, "Was that a dig about Maxie Jones?" You're very quick on the uptake, aren't you, Andy? He's all, "Geez, I messed up, sorry! What's your problem, dude?" He then tells us that she walked out of the hospital alive (!!!) so Leo's work is done and he can stop worrying about it.

What the hell, show? It's nice that you didn't keep us hanging for two weeks like the last time you almost killed Maxie off, but would it have offended your sensibilities to, I don't know, SHOW US MAXIE SURVIVING AND LEAVING THE HOSPITAL? Do these people know anything about writing a soap opera? I mean, obviously not, but you have Frisco and Felicia's daughter flatline twice and she survives offscreen and the follow up is a throwaway mention? I call foul! I wanted to see her leaving with Mac and Georgie, and I wanted to see Robin actually caring that her beloved cousin was dying. Did Robin even KNOW that Maxie flatlined twice? Also, I wanted Coop to visit her more than once. Shirtless. I know it's not really kosher for hot cops/mob moles to walk shirtless throughout hospitals, but we have a brain damaged hired killer delivering babies via perfect c-sections, so whatever. 

Stan and Billy Dee are talking by the nurse's station and holy hell. What--why--okay. Stan's outfit looked like...evil. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why the wardrobe person purchased jeans with patches in different washes and a pink shirt with a tropical print, let alone paired the two with the shirt worn "alluringly" open over a white tank top and sent Kiko Ellsworth out in front of the camera wearing it.

Apparently, Stan was offering Billy Dee a job at the Metro Court where he could earn twice what he's making now with better hours. Billy Dee turns him down. Stan tells Epiphany that some people just refused to be helped. Epiphany, still somewhat sane, says that Stan just has to respect Billy Dee's decision. Stan, because he's an asshole with a superiority complex, starts to rant and asks how a man like that gets through life with no ambition and no passion. First of all, shut up. Secondly, you work for a mobster. Thirdly, you're dressed like David Arquette. And lastly, you know damn freaking well that Billy Dee has passion for man damning because you already bonded with him seven episodes ago about it! Ugh, I HATE Stan.

Ahem. Much like me, Epiphany flips her shit at Stan and goes on an absolute rampage, screaming at her son to shut his arrogant mouth (!), that Billy Dee has more passion in his little finger than Stan will ever know (!!), that Billy Dee had the smoothest voice that ever came out of alphabet city (!!!), the best soul in R&B (!!!!) and how dare Stan stand there not knowing what Billy Dee has gone through and criticize his choices like a pseudointellectual douchebag who read The Communist Manifesto in his freshman history class and thinks that he, like, gets it more than anybody ever. Maybe I added that last part. Anyway, she's screaming like a lunatic by the end of this, and everybody around her is gawking and she tells Stan to get out of the hospital and not to come back until he learns some respect. She's shaken by her outburst and Billy Dee sighs heavily all, "A guy hides his past for years and years and then an obviously mentally ill harridan ruins it all in public".

Elsewhere, Patrick asks Robin to scrub in for Mr. Winters's surgery, but she can't because she's meeting with the social worker about Stacy's baby. Patrick is predictably less than enthused. They start arguing ad Dr. Ford watches from afar. He says that this is a surgery for her friend's father and that the baby can wait because it's, like, bros before...um, babies, or whatever. She starts to answer and he pulls her into the stairwell, annoyed that she almost blew it by being loud in front of Dr. Ford and then says it's always about the baby and that he used to know a smart woman with a thriving career and he wants to know where she went. That woman is probably hanging out with the incarnation of Lucky who wasn't a drooling moron. Because Night Shift Robin is an irrational lunatic, she tells him that he should just ask Leyla to scrub in and she goes on to accuse him of using Leyla to punish her because she found something that's not Patrick. He yells that he doesn't want to be a father. Ohhh, this episode is not going to end well.

Leo approaches Billy Dee, all music fanboy, and asks if he plays guitar. Leo is in awe and starts to ask a billion questions about what it's like to play in front of lights and crowds, and Epiphany breaks the conversation up by ordering Leo to go treat a patient. She apologizes for her outburst and he quickly upsets, obviously not wanting to dwell on it. Because she can't read social cues, she starts to tell him that the Saints were the best thing she's ever seen and that he was their heart and oh so fine. She's sure he has his reasons for being here; he agrees and walks away without explaining said reasons. She moons after him.

In the locker room, Regina is proud that Patrick asked her to help with the surgery. Jolene wonders what will happen if something goes wrong. Leyla says nothing will, because Patrick's done it lots of times and she knows this because they've discussed it before. I guess we're supposed to feel like she and Patrick have a connection, but I'm not sure that Leyla is capable of connecting to another human being. Her monotone and blank stare lead me to believe that she may actually be a robot. Also, I have never seen Leyla's hair this flat before. It's a pity she didn't use the time she once spent teasing her hair to do things like learn how to act. The feud between Leyla and Regina is still in full force, because they bitch back and forth at each other and Regina has a spectacular overreaction and tells Leyla to keep her eyes on Patrick and to stay out of Regina's way. There is probably some way that I could care less about their bickering, but I'm not sure what it could be. Patrick tells them that things are ready, and Jolene perkily says she'll stay behind and keep an eye out for Epiphany. Once she's alone, she steels herself to commit a felony.

Cody and Mr. Winters are bonding. Mr. Winters asks if he's been operated on yet, and they laugh over how GH is screwed up and like falling down a rabbit hole. Word, guys. Lainey kicks Cody out and Mr. Winters gets offended and says Cody is his visitor and Lainey needs to put her manners back in. I don't know, I find her to be far more polite than I am when I see people who have assaulted me multiple times visiting my father in his hospital like everything's peachy keen, jellybean. He then tells her that she looks pretty, which makes her smile for the first time this episode, except that he calls her Rachel and asks who is taking care of Lainey. Aww. Cody watches sadly, and says he can help her. She appreciates his offer, but doesn't make eye contact with him.

In the OR, Patrick says he doesn't want his lucky music because someone might hear it and tells Regina and Leyla to do what they're told and not to fuck up.

In the hallway outside, Lainey and Cody wait anxiously. She thanks him for helping get Mr. Winters to the OR and tells him he can't mention this to anyone. He's all, "Guerilla tactics, I dig it" and wants to know what's with all the secrecy. In case you missed Ford's comment about unnecessary surgeries and Kelly's recap of Ford's comment, Lainey explains that they aren't allowed to do surgeries on the uninsured, and Mr. Winters is uninsured. She sits on a gurney and says that the surgery alone would be $250,000 and she'd find a way to pay it herself if she didn't have friends to help her. She fills us in on her dad's backstory--JAG, brilliant attorney, imposing--and how he can't even dress himself these days, which he would hate and she hates for him. Cody thinks she should let him go back to where he was. They bond for a few more minutes and she eventually says she needs to be alone.

Jason mops outside of a supply closet. Inside the supply closet, Jolene drops a tray and loudly says "Oops!" Because Jason is a hero, not just to elderly women stabbed by produce/women being blown up in ambulances/pregnant women stuck in elevators, but also to trays of medical supplies, he helps her clean it up. She apologizes and tries to flirt and be charming. Spinelli watches from a distance. She says that Jason seems out of place at the hospital and quickly clarifies that she means that in a good way. She asks what Jason does for fun. "Work". Hee. He then adds that he has a motorcycle that he likes to ride. She ignores this and babbles that they should go bowling and have awesome burgers at the bowling alley. He's never been bowling and tries to let her down gently by saying he can't go out with her, using the time honored "It's complicated" chestnut. He says he's no person that she should be asking out because she seems like such a nice girl. Again with the IRONY. Actually, they'd be a good couple. I think they'd have fun comparing their body counts on their dates...

OR: Regina fucks up. Leyla jumps in to correct the fuck up. Didn't see that one coming!

Outside, Robin and Lainey wait. Dr. Ford comes over, and Robin covers by saying that she's consulting with Lainey and cops a severe, over the top attitude, telling him that she hasn't been grounded since high school and now she's punished with the night shift because he's an incompetent jackass who can't do his job, and she's going to resign in the morning. Because this is TV, he barely even raises an eyebrow, and says he hopes she'll come to her senses by the morning.

Spinelli sprints over to Jason and tries to casually say that he couldn't help but notice the cozy conversation Jason had with Jolene--at Jason's raised eyebrow, Spinelli is quick to say that he wasn't actually stalking her--and wants Jason's help with approaching her, and wonders if she happened to mention any hobbies or interests that he can study online and become an expert in. Jason quietly says that Jolene asked him out and Spinelli's heart breaks for a second. You can actually see his heart shatter like Ralph Wiggum's. He recovers and says that of course Jolene likes Jason, because Jason is, you know, Jason and has done a million heroic things and of course they would impress Jolene. Spinelli should move out of the penthouse, because living with Jason's glory everyday could lead to a sad inferiority complex.

Jason: What's your point?
Spinelli: (Immediately) She wants to have your babies.
Jason: ...she asked me to go bowling

That exchange sounded completely like something on Grey's Anatomy--was it just me? Bradford Anderson's line reading was exactly like TR Knight's. Very weird. Also, the disgusted way Jason said the word bowling made me think of Brooke on The Real World. I don't know what is worse: the later seasons of The Real World or this show? On the plus side, Night Shift hasn't given my TV an STD, so that's a point in its favor.

Robin and the social worker discuss Stacy's baby and the social worker says Robin has a very good chance of being approved. I love how this adoption is taking place within days and also IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON A SATURDAY. The social worker says that if Robin needs to discuss this life altering decision with anyone else, now's the time.

Speaking of Robin's "anyone else", he and Lainey are recapping Mr. Winters's surgery. While they talk, Jolene sneaks into Mr. Winters's room. Lainey says that as long as he maintains mobility, Roselawn will take him back. Jolene rushes out. Mr. Winters starts to crash.

The editing on this show is terrible. In the lair of the MedCam man, Jolene tells us that Mr. Winters is in the ICU and will probably die, but that Lainey authorized the surgery, so there probably won't be a surgery. She asks if they're done, and he tells her that they're just getting started. Where the hell did they find this actor? Did he win a contest? It's like he's from another country and learned all he knows about the south from Foghorn Leghorn.

At the nursery: Patrick disapprovingly watches Robin hold the baby; she comes out and asks what happened. Mr. Winters suffered an embolism, he's in the ICU. Robin asks how Lainey is and Patrick says that Lainey told him that she stopped Ford from walking in on the surgery. She snottily says that she did it for Lainey, not him, and immediately segues into telling him that the social worker says she's allowed to take the baby home. Where, exactly, is "home"? Does Night Shift Robin not live with Patrick like OG GH Robin does? I am so confused. 

I don't know how Patrick made it to the locker room and disrobed so fast, but I'm not going to complain because: Shirtless Patrick! Angry Shirtless Patrick! He hotly rages and Leyla comes over and tells him that Mr. Winters's setback wasn't his fault. He sarcastically says, "I'll be sure to tell Dr. Ford that student nurses don't blame me for a surgery I shouldn't have been performing". She tells him to stop feeling sorry for himself and to move on.Yeah, people are only allowed to feel sorry for themselves about feeling like an outcast who's so pretty that everyone in the hospital wants to date them. Duh, Patrick.

Billy Dee is drawing on a gurney. Epiphany, no doubt following Spinelli's stalking tactics, says that he's good as she materializes out of thin air. She tells him (and the audience) that The Saints were on top of the world with 10 platinum albums (but nobody at the hospital ever recognized him?), and that she'd stand in line and buy them the day they were released, and that she couldn't believe it when he left. He simply says "Creative differences". She says she heard his best friend/bandmate held a gun on him; he repeats, "Creative differences" with a small smile. She says she thinks it had something to do with a woman, who was on the back of an album cover. Billy Dee says that woman was special. Epiphany says she doesn't mean to pry [Lying liar who lies--ed.] but that she loved hearing him sing and she wants to know how he ended up working the night shift in a hospital in upstate New York. He says he's never gone to sleep before sunrise. They laugh.

Patrick and Lainey talk in Mr. Winters's room about the unauthorized surgery, and as they talk, Dr. Ford enters and reveals that he knew about the surgery the entire time because he approved it! They wonder why he made such a big point of forbidding it and he says the hospital is under attack and if they don't all band together and join forces that they have no chance of helping patients like Lainey's dad. MedCam is the enemy, not Dr. Ford.

Ohmigod! MedCam is like Voldemort and Dr. Ford is Snape! He was good the whole time! This obviously means that Dr. Ford will be killed by a snake in a later episode.

Patrick says that he was wrong about Dr. Ford, and darkly adds, "Among other things". I wonder what he could mean...

In the nursery, a man looks in on Anna. A nurse tells Robin (the other thing) that the man is a good friend of Stacy and wants to see the baby. Robin looks out at him with a facial expression equal parts scared, confused and territorial.

Oh, this scene!

Patrick is pouting in the break room. Robin walks in and closes the door, suggesting that they both be grown ups and not be defensive. She launches into a monologue about how she believes in fate and that something great brought this baby into her life. The baby should have gone home with Stacy, and she's second best, but that she's the closest thing this baby has to a mother. He looks dejected as she grabs his hand and says she knew she couldn't walk away once she held that baby, and tells him she doesn't want to force him to do anything, but that she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she let the baby go into foster care when she's here, ready to love her. Patrick says she knows what she has to do. Robin cries, and stresses that she's not choosing the baby over him; he'll get along fine without her, but she's not sure the baby would. He tears up and tenderly kisses her on the cheek. She goes to leave, and he calls her name and sadly tells her she'll be a wonderful mother. He hotly cries once she leaves. Lordy, those two work so well together.

Damnit, you guys! Damnit! I know couples have to break up and this is a marginally better reason than the last time they broke up, but come on! As Nancy Kerrigan once said, "WHYYYYYYYY???"

Billy Dee walks to the nurse's station and gives the picture he drew to Epiphany, who giggles like a little girl and says she has a place on her wall at home for this. Um, I am hoping she just has an empty space on her wall, not a space she's had reserved for years specifically for something drawn by Billy Dee. He interrupts her fawning to ask what he should clean next, and she answers him quickly before nosily asking if he still sings, because she hears him singing in the hallways and was wondering if he could sing the last song he recorded with The Saints. He says he doesn't sing it anymore and that he has work to do. He goes to walk away and has to steady himself as though he got light headed or something; Pip rushes over to see if he's okay and, after a minute, he gathers himself together and says he better get started. She watches, concerned.

Elsewhere, Cody watches Mr. Winters. Lainey approaches and angrily accuses him of already going through his pills and being nice to her dad just to get a prescription. Can't say I blame her...Cody matches her anger and says that, unlike him and her dad, Lainey has no idea what it's like to see someone damaged in the mirror, because if she did, she might be grateful not to have to be in the real world. She sadly watches her daddy.

The nursery: Robin holds the baby and tells Jason that he might want to say goodbye. She happily fills him in on the adoption details, and he says that he thinks Stacy would have wanted it, and that Robin is good with babies. Like how she was with Michael before she told AJ that he was Michael's father and Jason told her he never wanted to see her face again. Aww. Robin cries and informs Jason that she and Patrick broke up because he's not ready to settle down but that it will be okay in the long run because this is what she wants. Jason beams at her sweetly and she says, "I'm going to be a mommy". It's a testament to how talented Kimberly McCullough is that she got an emotional response from me with this scene, because I think this story is completely asinine. And I also have a black heart. But I was sniffling right along with her. I really think she can sell anything.

Downstairs, Spinelli has set up a faux bowling alley with water bottles. I had totally forgotten this plotline. Probably because it's lame (and this is what they named the episode after? Really? Although I guess "Pretty couple imploding" isn't as catchy). Jolene walks by and gives him a WTF? look.

In Mr. Winters's room, Dr. Ford walks in to see how he's doing and Lainey sadly asks for a DNR, and says she should have done it before the surgery, because he said he wanted to die and she needs to honor his wishes.

In the locker room, Regina is worried that she'll get kicked out of the program and should have listened to Jolene and not helped with the surgery, but she just wanted to stick it to Leyla. Jolene is all "Leyla and Patrick just care about being the best, they don't care about the patient or the patient's family and people like that don't belong in medicine and we should all just totally stab Caesar!" Regina, who is nothing if not oblivious, doesn't see the crazy eyes and mildly says, "Strange, I thought you liked Leyla".

A crappy song starts, letting us know the episode is almost over.

The Man watches Stacy's baby in the nursery; ________ Barrett watches the man watching the baby; downstairs, Robin watches the man who had been watching the baby whilst being watched by _______, and asks if she saw him before at the nursery. He says she did, and he asks where the social worker is. She wants to know why he wants to know, and he wants to know why she cares. She bristles and says she was a good friend of Stacy Sloan (um...stretching the definition of "friend" a little, Rob) and he's all "Cool! Did she ever mention me? I'm Curtis, the baby's dad!" He informs her that he's come for his daughter. Robin looks crestfallen.

Up on the roof, Leyla stands in front of the bad CGI sunrise and manages to even do that badly. Patrick joins her and they sit together. He apologizes for calling her "just a student nurse" and she strokes his ego (not a euphemism...yet) and says he was right and that he's a brilliant neurosurgeon and she just changes bedpans with supervision. There is a sad callback to the pilot when Patrick says he should open a coffee shop; Leyla wrinkles her nose and says he'd be horrible at that, unlike Robin, who made the original suggestion. There is so much distance between them! For some reason, Patrick basically starts to list all of Leyla's good qualities: she's smart, she's cool under pressure. Flirtatiously, she asks if he's saying that because he wants to kiss her. He tells her, "I'm telling you that because it's the truth...AND I want to kiss you". And then they make out.

I didn't hate this episode as much as some of the others, but it was a bad hour of television.

We at Serial Drama have been accused of being overzealous Scrubs fans in the past, and I'm not going to deny that both of us love Patrick and Robin together, but we've also been watching soaps long enough to know that happy couples don't last forever. Things need to be shaken up and there are breakups and makeups and fights and reunions, and it's deliciously soaptastic. So I'm not like, "Ohmigod, Patrick and Robin broke up! This show needs to die!", because it's the nature of the soap genre.

However.

If you're going to break up a hugely popular couple (and Scrubs is a hugely popular couple, if their chokehold on the Favorite Couple poll in Soap Opera Digest is any indication), you need to do it for a reason that makes sense. Robin's sudden baby obsession? Does not make sense. I cannot imagine that Type A Robin Scorpio would all of a sudden decide to have a baby or adopt a baby without having a conversation with Patrick first. I'm sorry, that's just not in character at all. Patrick's random fascination with Leyla? Doesn't make sense.  The show keeps telling me that they have this great bond and that Leyla is amazing, but I have never actually seen their bond or her amazingness onscreen. It doesn't help at all that Nazanin Boniadi has the charisma of a manilla folder and that her chemistry with Jason Thompson is nil, which is hugely sad because Jason Thompson has chemistry with

• Lainey
• Liz
• Emily
• Kelly
• Epiphany
• Billy Dee
• The CGI sunrise

So their breakup, while superbly acted, was frustrating, because it was so poorly conceived. And we've ranted about it before, but there has never been an indication on this show that Robin and Patrick actually like each other, let alone love each other. How do you screw up a couple with talent and chemistry to spare? You have to ACTIVELY try to do that.

In other "This show sucks" news:

1. The Epiphany and Billy Dee Williams story is so hokey that I don't even know what to say about it. Actually, I do: Billy Dee Williams is AWESOME and FAMOUS and you manage to get him to join your dumbass spinoff and THIS is the story you write for him?

2. This was the shows 9th episode and there is no progress on the _______ Barrett front. Are they planning to just shoehorn the dramatic conclusion to this story in the last episode? Why am I even bothering to ask? Of course they are.

3. Cody is repellent and I am disturbed by the cycle he and Lainey have of "Fight-->Violence-->Smarm-->Smile".

I don't exactly know how to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it bluntly: the episodes that Jason isn't in are never good and in the episodes he does appear in, he's the highlight. What the hell is happening to the world? This means that Jason "Cold blooded mafia hitman" Morgan is more entertaining and enjoyable than

• Patrick
• Robin
• Billy Dee Williams
• Maxie
• Epiphany (not like it's hard but...)
• A storyline about an angel of death
• Babies
• Sunrise

Why can't they write Jason like this on the OG GH? Why can't Steve Burton act like this on the OG GH? By admitting that I am enjoying Jason, have the terrorists won?

Comments

Kimberly McCullough is freaking awesome. The writing sucks and still I feel her pain.

[kathy]

Thank you. Somehow you were able to make me smile about the show from hell. I think I love you!

Patrick Drake can burn and rot in Tartarus and spend a never-ending eternity screwing his pink whore of choice.

[Dee]

Thank you so much for your wit and candor. You are always on point! While I am, admittedly a Scrubs fan, I have been hugely disappointed with them on Nightshift. I dislike Robin most of the time and I absolutely abhor Patrick. When this show is done it will be a blessing. Too bad I won't be able to retrieve the 13 wasted weeks of my life!

I thought the break up was really well acted and that the kiss was completely in character for Patrick. It is exactly how he would react to being hurt. Despite what Robin said, she did in fact choose the baby over him.

Her baby obsession is upsetting and seems to come from nowhere.

As always ladies - wonderful analysis and commentary.

Kimberly's acting really was phenomenal. Her quivering and emotional scenes have been for me the sole highlight of this trainwreck.

[Lori]

Kimberly McCullough needs another Emmy!! They hand her a pile of **** and she turns it into gold!! I felt her pain the entire show. I am not that thrilled that TIIC has turned her into a crazy person. The Robin I grew up with would NEVER make decisions without consulting with the man she loves. This episode was the first time that she actually spoke with Patrick without both of them screaming at each other. And of course it was to break up. WHAT!?!? I haven't decided if it is the editing, directing, writing or what but everytime I watch this show I am confused because I can not for the life of me figure out where this story (or stories) are going. What am I supposed to be feeling? I feel nothing for the student nurses. I don't even care that Jolene is the bad nurse. I don't even care if Leyla has an agenda (which would be hard to tell either way...I digress). I don't even care that Regina and Leyla are fighting (which by the way I didn't really understand that that is what they were doing until I read your blog...all I heard was blah, blah, blah). Honestly, I watch this show because of actors like Kimberly McCullough, Steve Burton and Jason Thompson. Every single scene Kimberly had with Steve and Jason in this last episode had me crying like a baby and I NEVER cry over soap operas. Yes, she is THAT GOOD!!!

[Marianne Jackson]

Um, sorry, but for one of the replies to say her baby obsession came from nowhere? No-Robin's wanted babies since she and Stone were sitting in Mac's living room, I believe it was, and playing, "What if?" So she's always wanted a child. Further, on GH in September 2006, she TOLD Patrick she wanted a child, before he ever said ILY, and before they ever really committed. But that's just the way I see it.

Completely agree about NB's acting and her chemistry, or lack thereof, with JT. And, of course, Kimberly was fabulous, as always-there's a reason she's been my girl since I was not much older than Robin was when she appeared.

Honestly, I think Robin didn't discuss the baby with Patrick beforehand was because she realized he already had the next warm body lined up, and he wasn't going to stick around, anyway. I wouldn't have given up my chance to give a baby in need a home for a faithless manwhore of a boyfriend who's sniffing another woman's panties all the time, either. I don't think that makes her crazy-I think it makes her smart.

Also, I don't think Robin's "obsession" with the baby is crazy-I think she, who (she thought) was orphaned more than once and had no one but people who took her in out of the goodness of their hearts, identifies with Stacey's child and feels for her. Add to it the fact that the child may be HIV+, and it doubles her connection. Is it the most rational thing she's ever done? That's a big HELL NO, but I UNDERSTAND it.

However, the kiss between Patrick and Kawligah (Hank Williams' reference-b/c she has all the range and depth, not to mention array of facial expressions, as a cigar store indian)-not ten-freakin'-minutes after he and Robin broke up? Not. So. Much. Because what I saw up on that roof was a man who was relieved to be free of his girlfriend, and really psyched to finally get to make out with this chick he's been lusting after for months. Which, basically, makes him look like the biggest sleaze ever to plague Port Charles-and Sonny's been there, so that's saying a fuck of a lot-for calling Robin insecure and jealous and petty when she called him out on the Leyla stuff. Including earlier in this same episode. Because, all along, she was RIGHT!

And, yeah, I agree-NSPatrick, and maybe GHPatrick since the pink nothing is coming there, too, makes Jason Morgan, who kills people for fun and profit, look better every day. God help us all.

And, in closing, to borrow a phrase a good buddy of mine used earlier today about this same thing:
FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, MY ROBIN IS FREE FROM THE MANWHORE AT LAST!

Oh, yeah, and one more thing:
F-YOU, GUZA! AND YOU, TOO, NSPATRICK!
Marianne

[Kelly]

Kimberly Mccullough deserves another emmy and Robin deserves better writing.

Cody/Lainey are awesome.

Dr. Ford is not too bad.

Patrick needs better writing and POV. Also if he's going to hook up with some he should at least have chemistry with them.

NB needs acting lessons before coming over to GH.

[Kels]

So glad I'm not watching this shitfest. Nothing that I love about Robin or Patrick exists on that show. Nothing. And even less than that about their relationship.

[bubbly1285]

I saw the preview and automatically expected the worst. It wasn't until I actually watched that I realized how unfounded that was. The break-up was inevitable because neither Patrick nor Robin are in love with Jason, Sonny, or Carly. Just the fact that we were able to get a show with Sonny and Carly is amazing in itself. I would like Jason if A) he was like this on the OG GH and B) He'd be Robin's friend and nothing more EVER

I started to tear up until Robin said, "I believe in fate." Um no. Maybe I've made too many Scrubs videos, or am just very anal about this sort of thing, but last year she said and I quote, "I don't believe in fate or karma." It was a freakin' year ago! Can Guza not remember...look what I'm asking. It implies he knows what he's doing.

If this was to be the fallout of the show when they devised the spinoff idea, I wish the writers would have inflicted it on a couple I despise (like Spinelli and Lulu). Okay, so they aren't actually a couple, but I do believe they're gearing up to be the next Jason and Carly. UGH!

Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough are, I believe, the only actors on GH who could have taken such a bs storyline and actually made me care about it. They're so out of character, and it was obvious that she couldn't exactly take the baby to OG GH if they ever did a wretched crossover, that I spent most of the episode fast forwarding and cringing.

I don't know what the writers were hoping to accomplish because NS Scrubs are not the ones we love. Watching him tear them apart AGAIN for a stupid reason shows how incompetent he is. NS is a temporary black hole. Watching it and despising it will never make me religiously watch and love OG GH. I think we're up to poo-throwing monkeys now.

[bubbly1285]

*without Sonny and Carly. My mistake.

i love your analysis if the shoe last night. kimberly and steve were truly amazing, they are the reason i look forward to the show. am glad robin walked away regardless of what might happen. stupid duck needs to grow up, not everything robin does should be about him considering he coped an attitude cos robin refused to do what he wanted when he wanted it. i will not even comment on the roof scene. no woman should be with someone who disrepects them and he has contantly direspected her. until robin is respected, i don't want her in that unhealthy relationship.

[katejane]

as always love ur recaps, but about the whole maxie thing im pretty sure they ended up showing her surviving last week....

[Tania]

LMAO

I have a few comments about how much this show sucks and I completly love you two for writing these awesome recaps and making me laugh. Some of your comments are amazingly funny in themselves. Before I come back after watching a few of The Office Season 3 episodes, which I can now that it got here today YAY, may I just say Jason and Kimberly and Steve(even though God knows all he does is blink though in real life he' funny and awesome and just cool and actually talks) are amazing and I do acutally love Bradford with his crazy stalker character self, and they almost made this show worth watching(I do watch because well, I can't not but I care a lot more than I should cause they're that good)and/or just there for comic relief in the form of crazies(haha, get it... a funny), but the ending was crap! NSScrubs don't care and Guza is punishing us for liking them, which still shocks me to my core that people who bring me them also bring me Sonny *shudders*, and not Sonny, Carly, Jason and their flavors of the week, month,... year or the devil spawn children who are actually cute(not Micheal but the rest are *thumbs up*). I had great laughs but the suckiness is running over to my post so I just need to chat:

"Fictional, The Office, Wickedness" As soon as I'm calmed down I might think of better things... maybe

[Debbie Schechter]

Your comments about the breakup are spot on and why I'm so pissed at NS. The first episode was the only episode that showed Scrubs in its truest form.

The breakup was contrived at best. NS has made Scrubs into a shell of the GH form of them. But Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough are fabulous actors.

Leyla is completely useless and I wish she'd be apart of the body count on OG GH mob war. How in the world that NB got a GH contract when it took Sonya Eddy like a year to get that is beyond me.

[deedee]

I couldn't agree with your comments more. Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson are the only reasons I continued to watch this craptastic show. They are wonderful and are doing the best they can with the material they are given.

I have only liked two episodes of this series -- the first one, which wasn't bad and the one where Stacy died which was terrific. Every other episode has just been horrible and last night was the worst of all. They have totally destroyed the Patrick character for me. I know the writers want us to fell the Patrick is acting out because of the breakup with Robin, but I didn't get that impression from what was written. Five minutes after he breaks up with the love of his life, he is on the roof praising some awful nurse (and you are correct here that NB has ZERO chemistry with JT and everyone she is in a scene with -- why did GH give her a contract??) and then he makes out with her too. I probably would have understood if it had happened on next week's episode, but 5 minutes later??? It really makes Patrick look bad. And while we are on the subject -- can't Robin have someone interested in her for once that only wants her? Is that so much to ask??? Let's see Patrick watching her with Jason or better yet -- with someone that Robin can have an actual relationship with.

I definitely could have handled this breakup if it was written in such a way that we are understanding why it happening. I agree with you, why should Robin wait around if she knows that Patrick is sniffing around this nurse and will leave soon anyway -- guess what? that was confirmed 5 minutes after they break up? Really bad storytelling, breaking up popular pairings just to mess with fans -- that is what makes me really angry about this show. Sold as a medical drama with self-contained stories using the romance of Patrick and Robin as a backdrop -- in reality NS was a vehicle to trash Robin and Patrick and break them up. I think all Scrubs fans are fully justified in their anger at TPTB and Guza in particular, who wrote a lot of this crap.

Don't get me started on all the other stuff you mentioned -- the waste of a talent like Billy Dee Williams (must Epiphany scream in every episode?), storylines that are just dropped (Maxie) or make no sense (Burnda). Oh, and look what we have to look forward to next week -- Patrick messing around while Robin is heartbroken over losing the baby. I can't wait -- forget I can -- I am officially out. I refuse to watch another episode of this show.

[Beth R.]

Your remarks completley make me glad that I stuck to my original decision to not watch this excuse to further glorifiy Jason when i first read the cast list. I'm 99% positive this contrived break up and the contract of Leyla for the regular show in part explain the sudden speed of the Quadrangle of Doom over on OGH. But that's just me talking. I am frequently wrong and admit to beyond delusionally optimistic thinking. How is it I could follow the OLTL/AMC Who's Baby is Who's drama for over a year AND the Shelia/Scott/Lauren baby snatch storyline over at Y&R back in the day but one 13 episdoe spin off has me so confused I want to know where Lucky's old drug stash is so maybe I could understand this? I'm not stupid...I should be able to understand this. I do find it funny though that this episode airs and then a few days later I see an interview Kimberly gave saying they don't re-explain teh same plot point as much as they do on OGH. Yeah...sure......

I know I asked this before, but what is OG? And please stop saying the show is better when the character of Jason is on it. I haven't seen the Night Shift, so I don't know; you're right about everything else, so you're probably right about that. But do you have to put it in print? My fear is that THEY will read THAT and ignore the rest of you brilliant criticism, and we'll go from what we now have -- Jason Hospital or General Jason -- to just Jason Jason. "Previously on Jason Jason." "On the next Jason Jason." Aarrgghh!!!

[Becca]

"OG" is the abbreviation of the hip hop phrase "original gangsta." Something about the phrasing of that sentence makes me sound 80 years old.

[diane,ct]

this show sucks!!! it has not shown scrubs, not the scrubs that we all fell in love with and we are such fans of and lets be honest and take a pole the only reason this show had the turnout that it has is because of patrick and robin...then they go and tear it all apart. the acting by kimberly and jason is amazing. i love watching them but i cant stand what the writers or whomever did to their characters. this show was supposed to be about scrubs...who are we kidding it aint...
i really dont know how to feel about this show...i dont think that i can watch the rest...i know that couples split up but this wasnt even Robin and Patrick.

[Nancy]

Thanks for the blog, now I don't have to watch it....one more hour not wasted! The reason Jason makes NS better IMHO is because he's the Jason that he used to be when he was with Robin. He was sweet, heroic and caring in the past and that's why he became so popular. He got Robin through losing Stone and he loved her unconditionally. He took over with baby Michael when his mother could not handle it. But now, on GH, he's become so angry, cold and even to the point of threatening to kill Sam, the woman he claimed to love for 3 years and wanted to marry. That's not the Jason I remember. Too bad.

[Tina]

DAMN ... i wish this blog ALONG with the wicked comments could be printed for your next SOD column!

Love it !

Thanks for explaining "OG," Becca. So I guess OG = daytime GH ( as opposed to Night Shit).

[Sarah]

You two are the Dennis Miller of Daytime Dramas!!!!

Murder+Mysogyny=Peanut Butter Cups!!!!!!

I love you. You even threw in a Nancy Kerrigan "Whyyyyyyyy!?"

Do all the murderers in PC hang at that bowling alley? If so Jason and Jolene should totally go and even hook up. They could make baby murderers, with mini guns and mini pocket knives...awwwwww.

If he is such an all seeing and all knowing master criminal why can't he tell Jolene is his protege so to speak? He used to be like Superman, able to see through anything! He's powers on NS must be weakening. Maybe there is kryptonite in the floor cleaning solution!!!!!

Foghorn Leghorn!! He is gonna twirl his moustache w/ his fingers next week for sure! To show he is evil like in silent movies from the 20's.

Guy Pearce in Memento!!!

You're killin' me.

Stan's wardrobe is as awful as his part, portrayal, and hairdo. As long as Pip must be a screaming loony, at least she's screaming at him.

Leyla kills me. Poor me I'm so pretty and my marble mouth accent drives all the men wild. Stan is a better actor then her. Why the world's cockiest most arrogant surgeon now asks a student nurse trainee who to and how to do his job is so far beyond dumb it makes me wonder if Guza is a PTM and not a human.

KM and SB kick ass together. Their chemistry still amazes. Even in this shit show with shit story and shit writing they rock it! JT is great too, but w/ Leyla who can tell?

Plus he looks like a SOB and a liar, so his whole well acted crying break up scene looks like a lie he put on for Robin. Because he's been lying to her for months!!! 10 minutes after the agonizing break up he's back flirting w/ Leyla and making out w/ her at work. And he was NOT conflicted or acting out, HE WANTS HER.

No wonder NS Robin didn't discuss her decision to adopt w/ him. He was already long gone, it just wasn't said outright or official. So good for her, she did what was in her best interests instead of letting a man who clams to love her run her life. She did that for Jason, but she is smarter now!!!! GO ROBIN!!!!

KM can spin straw scripts into gold. She is a gifted actress. And I hope she gets something resembling decent to do on GH soon.

Communist Manifesto......Stab Cesear, seriously funny stuff!