Death by Embarrassment

I...just had a traumatic experience.

I am profoundly ashamed. Of myself. Of Robin Scorpio. Of the GH "writers". Of Al Gore for inventing the internet. Of my parents for teaching me how to read. And so on.

I did something I NEVER do, which is read Dr. Robin Scorpio's blog. I NEVER read it. Ever! I am a firm believer that I shouldn't have to go online to figure out what's going on in Port Charles, because things like "character development" and "plot" should, I don't know, happen ONSCREEN where all of the viewers could see it. Like, when Robert was in town (remember Robert? Robin's father, who was a hero and not at all the deadbeat dad the writers tried to portray him as? It's like a hazy memory, but I vaguely recall him being awesome squared) and we heard about it occasionally on the blog, in lieu of seeing it on the show? Or how much of Robin and Patrick's courtship played out on the blog. And Mac pretty much exists solely on the blog. So I figured that maybe her blog would give me some perspective on her quest to have a child with any man in Port Charles willing to give her sperm.

Honestly, I should have just written a fanfic where Robin has a passionate affair with, like, Harry Potter. It would have been better written, and made more sense.

I’ve finally found someone to father my baby, and he couldn’t be more enthusiastic.  Damien Spinelli is the perfect genetic match.  He’s youthful, kind, compassionate, loyal, and a technical genius.  In fact, he possesses all the ideal qualities that I’d like my child to inherit.  As soon as I proposed the idea to Spinelli, he jumped at the opportunity to participate.  I’ve always wanted my baby’s father to be someone I trust and admire, and Spinelli is that guy.  Now that the search is over, I can relax and focus on the next step.

Stop it, Robin. Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200. Check yourself into Shadybrook. Seriously, does Robin have the same mental illness that Greenlee does? Because that's the only explanation for that.

I think it needs to be dissected one line at a time.

I’ve finally found someone to father my baby...

"Finally"? It takes longer for me to buy a pair of boots!

...and he couldn’t be more enthusiastic.

 

That's because he's insane, Robin. And he's a maladjusted weirdo who has stalkerish tendencies when it comes to babies. Don't come to me complaining when you find tiny cameras hidden all over your apartment after the baby is born. I mean, I know you're fictional and so can't come complaining to me, but you know what I mean!

Damien Spinelli is the perfect genetic match.

Girl, you better hope that hair isn't hereditary.

He’s youthful, kind, compassionate, loyal, and a technical genius.

He also (1) smoke(s/d) a lot of pot (did they ever mention that again after the brief, hilarious span of time when Alexis got stoned?) (2) loves the mob (3) never shuts up (4) told a hitman he's inspired by said hitman's ability to put aside his secret pain in order to go kill people and (5)types with two fingers. Also, you barely know him. 

In fact, he possesses all the ideal qualities that I’d like my child to inherit. 

Clearly, social skills and fashion sense are not important in Robin's world.

As soon as I proposed the idea to Spinelli, he jumped at the opportunity to participate. 

Obviously! He has nothing else going on in his life. He spent thirteen horrific weeks hanging out at the hospital during the night shift. "Father your child? Okay, let me check my schedule...nope, I'm free every day until next forever, just let me know when you want me to make my deposit".

I’ve always wanted my baby’s father to be someone I trust and admire, and Spinelli is that guy. 

PEOPLE ROBIN SCORPIO SHOULD TRUST AND ADMIRE MORE THAN SPINELLI:

• Dr. Leo Julian
• Dr. Andy Archer
• Jason
• Nikolas
• Alfred
• Ric
• The sleazy mayor
• Logan
• Coop
• Max
• Milo
• Johnny Zacchara
• Cruz
• Dillon
• Billy Dee Williams
• The guy who works the front desk at the Metro Court
• Mike
• Random Kelly's Patron #12
• Casey the Alien
• Kevin Federline

...this effing blog. This effing show. I hate everything about it.

Comments

[Michaela]

Oh. My. God. I have to go pour bleach in my eyes now from having read that.

[Danny]

Oh, it would be so cute if that guy that works the front desk at the Metro Court fathered her baby. In fact, I think that's going to be what happens in the secret General Hospital that only plays inside my head... true, on said show in my head Spinelli and Epiphany are having a torrid love affair, so my judgment's not that great. But, hey! Don't judge me. I'm not the sap that got suckered into reading her blog.

[Frances]

Are these names listed at the end in a particular order? You had me until I saw Jason on the list :(

yup, it sucks.
apparently sperm donation is a joke.
as is a HIV+ woman's desire to be a mother.
good to know, GH.

[Emily]

Your post just made me cry, I was laughing so hard. I couldn't have said it better myself!

You need to leave Robin alone! She's only human! She just wants to have a baby! Leave Robin aloooone!!!.... lol.

Sorry, but I found today funny. I can't take this seriously anymore because the writers clearly aren't. So I just take what I can get. Today I got laughs.

Oh and it sure does take a long time to find a good pair of boots! I still haven't found any for my 5 1/2 feet.

"The guy who works the front desk at the Metro Court"- That lovely guy is Marty....McFarty.

"Kevin Federline" - ewww. NO!

I just don't know what else to say. Did the writers decide to go on an early strike and the scripts are now being written by high college students?

[Emily]

Ooh, and I would definitely add Coleman to that list. The man keeps her in tequila - it doesn't get more trustworthy than that.

[Stephanie]

OMG... You brought up Casey the Alien! I haven't thought about those days of GH in ages. I still remember the episode where Casey made BJ's toy fly around the room. At the time I remember thinking the show was becoming bad. Little did I know it could get worse... much worse. I'll take Casey the Alien over Sonny and the Mob storyline any day.

Thanks for the much needed laughs tonight!

[Stephanie]

It was at "Casey the Alien" when I spit actual food out of my mouth. HILARIOUS!

[Beth R.]

Casey the Alien! I am under the impression he already came, visited and stole the REAL characters of GH and took them back with him to whereever it was he was from. Oh god...I just realized something...the ALIEN plot makes more sense than this.

Why does He Who Thinks He's Borgie have a job again? Did Kimberly kill his kid or something?

[Elisabeth]

I . . . can't stop laughing long enough to form a coherent sentence.

[Kimberly]

If someone could please explain to me why the possible pregnancy of a veteran character is being handled this way...someone that has grown up on the show, supposedly lost her parents at a young age, fell in love, lost said love and contracted a deadly disease, then thought all her dreams were over, especially motherhood. Glossing over Cottage Hell and everything that happened since then to right now. This is the baby/pregnancy s/l they want to make into a comedic romp? This is the s/l that they think Guza is hoping to win an Emmy for? Dude won't even win a Razzy...he wouldn't even win one of those cheesey trophies you buy at the gas station that says "World's Best ________". That is assuming there isn't a "World's Best Mangler of Awesome Soap Character and Potential Storylines" trophy out there. Lord I hate that man.

[Beth R.]

Amen to the no Emmy....I have seen more socially conscious, well researched, well written episodes of Perfect Strangers to this. And that included the Dance of Joy. And yes my Bitter party sister..that was for you.

damn shame what they've done to my beloved robin scorpio..she was the ONE female character on the show who had common sense..not anymore..why can't she just get pregnant like carly or liz..wait a minute..because she's NOT carly or liz..'carliz' has to rule the show..they can have countless out of wedlock babies by different men, and be WONDERFUL, perfect mothers..but robin?? she'll be ever known as wanting a baby thru the great sperm hunt..then again, shouldn't be surprised..we see how they treat their beloved 'vets'..damn shame..

[V]

I can't stop laughing. I scroll up, see Spinelli's face, and then laugh at it all over again.

You are so right on. They actually have a blog that says this?! I seriously, cannot stop laughing. You looked at this blog? You poor thing.

I knew if Guza tried hard enough he could ruin my favorite character. ...wow *speechless*

[Chad]

I was expecting that Jax would agree to be the donor, which would have been an interesting way to explore Jax's desire to be a father, to bring Robin and Carly's mutual hatred to the fore, to put up a cause of tension for the Jax and Carly marriage (other than *yawn* Sonny and his mob problems), and all around a storyline with good, soap-filled potential. So of course I should have known better.

The only way this idea can be salvaged is if finding out that Robin is taking Spinelli as a sperm donor is what finally pushes Nickolas over the edge.

[KLD]

All I can say is this...thank you and bravo!

However, I too have to quibble with Jason's name being on the list of people she can trust more than Spinelli.

Your final line might just make up for it though.

[Roxiebell]

WTH is Nikolas doing on your obvious "hit" list anyway? Like him or not, he deserves better since he was the only "man" that bothered to carry Robin out of the rubble of the Metro Court. If you want to insult the character of Nikolas, how about insulting him for that?!

[JL]

And why the hell isn't she asking Cruz, anyway? I mean, talk about the genetic traits you'd want to pass on to your kid. Yum! And he's not spending all of his days telling a hitman how awesome he is for killing people through his tears of secret pain. So, you know, he's got that going for him. And, did I mention, YUM?

[Aydee]

Too much funny!!!! Al Gore for inventing the internet. . . .Casey the Alien. . . .tiny cameras. . . . Leave Robin aloooone!!!. . . .more socially conscious, well researched, well written episodes of Perfect Strangers"

Funny, funny, funny, Mallory & commenters!!

[Sarah]

GH has murdered the character of Robin Scorpio beyond repair I'm afraid. And I have loved her forever. No more "hotly" for PD and no more anything for RS. :-(

TIIC SHOULD ALL BE FIRED & FLOGGED!

Dear Santa,

I was once intelligent, flawed, compassionate, sexy, smart, dedicated, loving, strong, brave, thoughtful, argumentative, loyal, funny, complicated, honest, and respected.

Now I'm a sad joke. I'm pathetic and unrecognizable.

Since Spinelli wouldn't go through with it... how about you "yank your chain" for me and leave me a little North Pole DNA. Leave it in this specimen cup by the cookies and milk I left you. So finally I can have a child.

Tell Mrs. Clause not to worry, I'm not after you or the elves or even the factory. I just need the damn DNA. And you have many qualities I admire and would like my child to have.

The obesity isn't great, but I am a doctor and can help my child avert it with a healthy lifestyle. And what color was your hair before it went grey? No biggies.

Sorry I asked you last. But I had to ask every other male I knew first in painful and humiliating ways to donate to my cause.

So instead of those Chritian Laboutin's or that new plasma TV just fill er up Santa and by next Christmas my baby will write you a letter.

PS Thanks for the "egg nog of love"! Reindeer porn in the DVD player if you need it old man.

[Capo]

This can and probably will get worse. I'm sure Guza s itching to write scenes where all of the guys she's asked compare notes.

[Rita]

Bring back Casey the Alien!

On a side note, my husband sometimes pops in while I am catching up on my GH and today he sees me ffwding through a Carly/Jason scene and during the ffwd-ing exclaims,"What the hell happened to Jason's hair!?" And then he sees "Jerry" and Sam in a scene and then he says,"Didn't that guy try to kill alot of people? Why isn't he in jail?!" This is coming from a man who barely watches the show.

Another gold star for Guza's GH.

[Jacqueline]

I have loved this character since her arrival in Port Charles but this latest storyline is just heartbreaking. The only saving grace is Kimberly’s acting ability to make the character vulnerable. It breaks my heart that they have to bring Robin to her knees and humiliate her. It breaks my heart this character who is HIV-positive continues to try to do the right thing and live life to the fullest, only for her to be kicked in the gut time and time again is depressing.

She will never the love of anyone’s life because she is not enough for her men. At 30 years old for a soap character, she has never been asked for her hand in marriage, received a wedding, or had a child. As a fan, I’m just tired of her having nothing but heartache in her life. For once, it would be nice to see Robin actually get something she wants instead of being kicked to the curb.

However, I’m not holding my breath. It is crystal clear ABC/GH sees Kimberly and her character, Robin Scorpio as the red-headed stepchild of the show. On any other soap, she would be their gem instead of their whipping girl.

[Mel]

LOL!!! That would have been utterly sad if it wasn't so hysterical. Really...Spinelli?!?!? Btw, I'm totally stoked you put Alfred on the list of men she should trust more than Spinelli.

[Titian]

having a baby with spinelli just leaves robin out in the cold, outside of any of the "major" happenings on the show. they've yanked her out of a popular couple, turned her into a rabid, neurotic mess and her former love interest into a jackass. instead of trying to give her a real story, with real connections to other solid characters on the show, they're going to impregnate her with the sorry seed of spinelli, a character most of us don't miss when he's not on screen. they may as well send her back to paris.

[Elizabeth K. Mahon]

You forgot Coleman of men on your list of people that Robin should trust more than Spinelli. And he has good hair and is sexy as all get out. Come to think of it, why hasn't Kelly "Ms. Sex Addition" slept with Coleman? Heck, I would ask Jerry Jacks to father my child before Spinelli, even if he did shoot Robin.

[Katie]

Hilarious commentary. Robin has become a total joke.

[freakish]

Okay, I love Spinelli, but this was one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time.

I laughed so hard, my chest started to hurt.

Thank you!

[Sally]

Casey the Alien. Casey. The. Alien. I will be 100 years old and any reference to Casey will make me laugh hysterically. In fact, I think I may have broken something I was laughing so hard.

I have come to the conclusion that the only person less suitable than the ones on Robin's list is, in fact, Faison.