Serial Drama

No Week in Review for You, GH

I came up with a whole bunch of reasons that I am protesting GH via not doing Week in Reviews until further notice.  Reasons included:

• Robin and Patrick have been having the same argument since 1989
• Lulu, whom I used to adore, is increasingly horrible
• Steve Burton's hair is giving me seizures
• I hate basically every character on the show, except Christina, Cameron, and maybe Jake
• Robin saying Carly had no right to object to Robin asking Carly's husband for sperm had me siding with Carly in an argument.  CARLY.  Over Robin.  I fear thinking Sonny is just a good guy trying to take care of his family is next on my list.
• they keep bringing on more characters that they don't know how to write for instead of focusing on the 179 they already have on the canvas
• the showrunners' idea of what this show needed for sweeps was apparently "more mob action," which is like the worst "fix" I can think of since Britney got those heinous extensions after she shaved her head (at least Brit has the excuse of being wasted out of her gourd)
• Diane and Max almost had sex.  DIANE AND MAX.  Vom.
• even Liz's hair, a bright spot I could always turn to, is f'ed up now

But mostly, here's what it comes down to:  I can hardly sit through a week's worth of episodes of this show, let alone devote the time and energy necessary to do a Week in Review, when it is SO BORING and so clearly committed to sucking.  So, not that I think you all were sitting around waiting with bated breath for my take on a week's worth of this snoozefest of a soap, but if you were even a little curious, there you go. 

John Fades to Black

No Week in Review this week, guys, because really nothing significant happened outside of John's death.  Can you believe they actually did it?  I'm oddly impressed, both that they actually killed off a character in a way that makes it next to impossible he can come back, and in that despite how "meh" I've been about John Black for the last decade or so, five episodes focused almost exclusively on him were really good soap.  (The parts that weren't the stupid sorority storyline or Sami crying some more, I mean.)

I love that the headline is about the size that it would have been when JFK was killed.

I thought Drake Hogestyn did a fantastic job in his last week of work on Days.  In the past he was often every soap acting cliché rolled into one (smell-the-fart, "I've got a fishhook in my eyebrow and I'm happy about it," etc.) but this week he was genuinely good.  He was playing unconscious most of the time, sure, but he was good nonetheless.  And Deidre Hall, too, was the best I've seen her in years.  When she's not shooting for "sexy young ingénue" or trying to be funny, she's much better, and she and Hogestyn clearly enjoyed working together.

Sniff.

John and Bo's "brother" goodbye made me tear up a little (despite my oft-discussed internal deadness)

and when he said goodbye to his granddaughter, man, I lost it.  John Black made me cry!  The end is near.

They decided to use the twin who doesn't like people, though, which probably wasn't the best idea.  She was like yeah, uh-huh, the key grip over there has a cookie so I'm outta here, "grandpa."

And then the Belle and Marlena goodbyes?  I am so ashamed at how misty I got.  Like, not as ashamed as I was by my US Weekly subscription back in the day (2006), but ashamed.

Be It Resolved . . .

For the first time in its history, the House of Serial Drama Representatives deems it necessary to pass a measure to commemorate a significant, blog-altering event.  Specifically, the following resolution serves as formal notice that "hotly" has left the building.

Shear Horror

There's a lot to say about AMC lately, like how I don't understand a lot of it. Is there a point to Hannah? Why is Richie so awesome? How am I supposed to enjoy the foxiness of Aidan when he's all chummy with Ryan (and the whole lynching thing)? Why did the world think it was fair to give Alicia Minshew so much pretty, leaving the rest of us to duke it out over scraps of middling attractiveness?

And I'll get to that, but first I have to ask: Double You Tee Eff, Jacob Young? What the hell is that oily, feathered monstrosity you call a hairdo and why on earth hasn't someone forcibly held you down to get rid of it?

You might say that we at Serial Drama are obsessed with hair and, perhaps, take bad hairstyles a little too seriously. And to that we reply, yes, we are obsessed with hair and there is no such thing as taking bad hairstyles a little too seriously, because they are so very bad that they actually interfere with the viewing process!

Like, during All My Children today, I couldn't even pay attention to the complexities of the Zach/JR plot to bring Greenlee down. I have no idea what the plot even is. If you were to tell me "So then JR is going to dress up like Henry VIII and pelt Greenlee with vegetables while Zach tap dances menacingly", I'd think it was unconventional, but I'd probably believe you.

Because all I can see when JR is onscreen is his horrible, horrible hair.

From the side, I can't even tell who Zach is talking to. My first assumption was that Dixie was back from the dead and they were brunching together.

And I hoped she had learned her lesson and was staying away from pancakes! But then the camera angle shifted and I realized that it was JR.

If that doesn't send a deep shudder of revulsion down your spine, you're a cyborg who hasn't had a fashion sense chip implanted.

Days: Now With 30% Less Cringing

There is very little I can do to improve upon this bit of casting news from Soap Opera Digest.

Buh-Bye

DAYS OF OUR LIVES's Max and Co. won't have to worry about felonious Jeremy (Trevor Donovan) any more. The hell-raising Horton leaves town on Wednesday, October 17.

Trevor Donovan is a hottie, but I think I have made my feelings about this character clear.

Next time, writers, perhaps it might be wise to do some research into the parents of your new character, and make even a small effort to explain where the character is coming from or why he is utterly and completely unlike the two people who brought him into the world who we watched on our screens for some period of time?  It's just a suggestion.  In case you're taking them.

Tragikstan!

I'm having an internal struggle.

Most of me wants to mock the Y&R promo poster they've created to hype up the Clear Springs disaster storyline (AKA The Story That Will Change EVERYTHING) because, you know, I have a head and can see how patently ridiculous every single part of said poster is.

But another part of me finds it unbearably sad that, somewhere in Los Angeles, a poor graphic designer is on the phone with their mother, excitedly telling her, "And this poster? Is so totally awesome and it has all of the stars of the show on it, and get this, mom: the tagline? Is 'rivalries fall...heroes rise'. Is that not AWESOME? It's TOTALLY awesome. And my photoshopping skills have gotten way better ever since I took that fifteen minute online tutorial!"

Obviously, the mean, critical part of me wins out because OH MY HOLY HELL, have you seen this poster?

Let's count the layers of horror!

General Hospital Week in Review

If it weren't for the one good thing that happened this week, you would have been subjected to an approximately three-paragraphs long rant about how just when I think this show can't get any more boring and creatively bankrupt, it finds new ways to slow down and be even more derivative.  But this week, exactly one truly good thing happened on General Hospital:  Luke came back to town!  Tony Geary's semi-annual extended vacay is over -- let us rejoice and try to forget that virtually every other aspect of this show is in the crapper.

Luke!

Luke and Tracy scenes!

Luke and Scott scenes!

. . . including Luke punching Scott!

Luke yelling at Nikolas!

(Actually, as much as I like Luke, bitching to Nikolas that Nik didn't do enough to keep Lulu away from Logan when 1) Lulu is an adult, and 2) Luke's parental ass was out of town for about 16 months, was pretty ridiculous.   But whatever:  Luke!)

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

You guys, it looks like they are really killing John Black!  Holy crap!  This is the ballsiest thing Days has done in forever that didn't make me roll my eyes or disavow all knowledge of its existence.  I try to steer clear of spoilers, but references to John's demise and Drake Hogestyn's departure have been pretty unavoidable of late.  Tivo helpfully called Friday's episode "A passing car hits John at full speed," so my hour of viewing wouldn't exactly have been suspense-filled in any event, but even having a general idea of what was going to happen I still got into the soapy drama of it all.

Dude!  That looks uncomfortable.

Dear Robin: Girl, Please Chill...and Also Fix Your Hair

Dear Robin,

You know I adore you, but I have some questions that I need you to seriously consider.

• As a physician, why are you not able to diagnose your severe case of baby rabies and realize that you're crazily overreacting to breaking up with the hotness that is Patrick?
• When did your biological clock start "tickin' like THIS" a la Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny?  Do you not realize that you are young and only decided like seven minutes ago that you wanted a baby?
• Why will you not look into a semi-permanent rinse?
• As a woman with a busy career who is also HIV positive, with little immediate family support (in what hemisphere are your invisible parents currently dangling from helicopters and/or carrying out an assassination plot?), does being a single parent by choice really seem like the best plan at this juncture in your life?
• Will you please lose the number of the stylist who cut your bangs?
• Did you seriously make a list of all the guys in town whose sperm you might request?  And did that list of men who are "smart, funny, and kind" not include, momentarily, Sonny (!), and, permanently, Jason (!!) and Spinelli (!!!)?!?!  I can't even get into this any further right now, so let me just sum up my overall reaction as being a tangy mix of "bitch, please"

                                                                         and OMG, WTF?!

  

• And finally, most importantly . . . For the love of all that is good and holy, WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER PASSING ALONG THIS HAIR TO AN INNOCENT CHILD?

  

  

  (Is Steve Burton trying to give me a stroke?  Please tell me if you know.  I'd rather be prepared.)

Please get back to me as soon as possible.  I want to continue to root for you but you are really making that difficult.  Responses to these pressing questions might help.  Also, if you could enclose assorted photos of Patrick with your answers, that would be great.

Sincerely,
Becca

P.S.  I am not crazy and understand you are fictional.  Therefore, would you please pass along all these questions to the GH writing staff?  Except the ones about hair -- those go to Kimberly McCullough.  You're a gem, thanks!

Oh, Mama

So, a while back in one of my Week in Review posts, I closed with a quick recap of some seriously disturbing scenes involving Marlena and John making out on a beach.  (Yes, I know that last prepositional phrase is all that differentiates that sentence from a dozen others I could have written.)  To sum up:  "Oooh, mama!" 

Well, this horrible snippet is now on YouTube, so for those who missed it, or those whose PTSD doesn't prevent them from re-watching it, here you go.  I can't help it, every time I watch it I simultaneously guffaw and shudder.  It's almost exactly equal parts of each.  A guffudder, if you will.  "Oooh mama!"  Guffudder.  Shoulder molesting.  Guffudder.  Moaning!  Guffudder.  Weird diaper-changing "sexy" positioning by John.  Guffudder.

It's like everything that's wrong with modern-day John and Marlena condensed into two and half minutes.  And lest I be accused of just hating a popular couple, I must say that I used to like these two.  Really.  I liked them together as Marlena and Roman (which was when I first started watching Days), I liked him with Diana and Isabella, I liked her with OriginalRoman, and I liked them together as Marlena and John: Adulterers But Not Really Because Dude, They Used to Think He WAS Her Husband That She's Now "Cheating" On.  They were interesting, and not guffudder-inducing.  Sure, they produced Belle, who is arguably the most boring character in Salem, but her half-sister once tried to sell her on the black market and she was conceived on a private jet, so there are at least interesting aspects to her backstory.

But as rumors swirl about Drake Hogestyn leaving the show, the last few years of John and Marlena weirdness means my reaction is one of shoulder-shrugging and "why only him?" rather than bemoaning (no pun intended!) the possible loss of a longtime veteran.  I really resent whatever it is -- crappy scripts, poor performances, or some combination thereof -- that is depriving me of an opportunity to be righteously indignant and judgmental of soap execs.  I live for that stuff.