The Young and the...Gouda? Brie? It's Cheesy, Is What I'm Saying

The other day, the Lifetime Movie Network was showing the classic Dying to Belong, and I simply had to watch. How can you go wrong with a movie that features Hilary Swank losing her best friend, Six from Blossom, to a sinister group of sorority sisters including Elliot from Scrubs and crazy Laura on 90210/the old Carrie on Days, whose cruel hazing rituals lead to Six's death and a shady coverup. Along the way, Hil falls in love with Mark Paul Gosselaar before finally vanquishing the evil sorority bitches once and for all.

That movie was less cheesy and cringe inducing than the Out of the Ashes disaster story on Y&R. Nothing about this was okay! I find it insulting that this dreadful GH ripoff made it to the airwaves--and I also find it insulting that the powers-that-be at Y&R can't even plagiarize well! They managed to take 2004 Era Guza (Circa 2004) and make the dialogue worse (Colleen, to JT, whose facial wound is bleeding: "Did you get hurt?"), the situations more ludicrous (Victoria is rescued after being trapped, only to get put in a coma due to a falling piece of debris?! Seriously? That's the best they could do?) and the pace even more rushed.

Also, their taglines were immensely misleading!

"Rivalries Fall"? The only thing falling was Victoria doing her best Michelle Williams on 106th and Park after being hit with the random debris.

"Six days that will change their world"? What, exactly, changed? Okay, Noah doesn't have a spleen, but that's it. You know on Monday's show, everything will go back to normal.

Hello, false advertising!

The "Victoria is miraculously rescued only to be attacked by a rock" thing was the nadir of a very, very crappy week. Watching her be trapped for a couple of days and then get rescued and then get hit on the head once she was taken to safety was like something you'd see in Disaster Movie starring Marlon and Shawn Wayans. You guys!

THAT put her in a coma so that Amelia Heinle could go on maternity leave! I am perplexed. It's like LML & Co. were like, "We're almost a laughingstock, but not quite there yet, so let's just all out this time!"

The other storylines sucked something fierce, too.

AMBER

Any scene with Amber automatically makes me want to retch, just on principle. I don't know if it's because the character is written as the omg best thing ever, or the fact that Adrienne Frantz has horrible hair and an obnoxious baby voice. Maybe it's a combination of all three. I don't know.

So the fact that she didn't die was totally tragic, in my opinion. As was this conversation with Katherine:

Amber: How you doing, huh?
Kay: Ow. What is it you kids say? Chillin' with a villain?
Amber: That's--that's-- that would be chillin' like a villain.

"..."

Can you imagine being trapped underground with AMBER? The very thought is scarier than the Hostel movies.

LAUREN, PAUL AND "THE DETECTIVE WOMAN"

I have to admit that I appreciated that the writers mentioned Lauren's claustrophobia and her unfortunate tendency to attract scary stalkers like her fan club president and Sheila. It was a little weird that they delved into the show's history, but I appreciated it all the same.

Getting to see Doug Davidson be charming and funny was great, but also a little sad, because I know we'll just go back to seeing him randomly every other week, sitting with Maggie at Crimson Lights, making double entendres before going back the home for unused characters. But what the hell, Paul? Who doesn't tell the woman that they're dating about their past marriages, especially when you are on friendly terms with your ex-wife?! Duh.

And I don't know why Victor referring to Maggie as "the detective woman" made me laugh so much, but it did. So absurd, so Victor.

JACK

Oh, Peter Bergman. Why must you always give it your all, even when the story you are acting in is asinine and fathoms below your abilities? PS, I love you.

There was absolutely no tension with Jack, because anybody with a head knew that they wouldn't be killing Jack off. The threat of rioting from Serial Drama readers alone would scare them out of the very notion.

But that doesn't mean that I didn't get slightly misty at the letter he wrote for Sharon!

Dear Sharon, right now my only strength comes from imagining you in my arms. My love for you is literally keeping me alive. In this last hour, I've had so many thoughts about my life. The good and the bad. I know I've disappointed many people, but I want you to know...you, and Noah...and Kyle...and my sisters...you must always remember one thing. I could not have loved you more. I am so very proud...so lucky...to have been your husband. I love you.

SWOON!

And then they went and RUINED any of the goodwill I managed to muster up for the Jack portion of this storyline by having VICTOR save him DURING A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

DURING A COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Because it's not like anybody would want to see a man save his mortal enemy. That's just silly! Please, let's see more Amber and Kay using hip hop terms from the late 1990s, though! Sign me up for more of that!

NOAH

As shocking as it may sound, I was genuinely moved by the Noah arc. I know! I didn't know Noah could inspire positivity in me, either.

Seriously: children in peril always get to me. I hate seeing poor, injured children! And as over the top as it was, seeing Nick try to run back into the rubble to get Noah was totally sad, as was the sight of the poor little boy in a stretcher.

And yes, I know, it was just acting and whatever, but still! I don't like when kids are hurt. So, yeah. I cried. Sort of a lot. But I cry at a lot of things, including, but not limited to, most episodes of The Velveteen Rabbit, The Beatles "In My Life", the opening ceremony at The Olympics, the closing ceremony at The Olympics, Hallmark commercials, and "Snoopy, Come Home", so I am going to try not to give the show a whole lot of credit for my emotional response.

Comments

[Titian]

i've been waiting all week for you to cut into this crapfest of a disaster gimmick. and as i said on the previous post about that gawdawful poster, this was just a bullshit waste of time. nothing important happened except amelia heinle getting knocked in the head with a brick (with no blood or cranial injuries, mind you) so that she can go off on maternity leave. while i hoped for brad's grisly death, i only got his temporary blindness. victor can still speak and tammin suresucks is still sucking with her horrible, horrible sucky "acting". (who do you need to slap on the casting staff of y&r to get of her? please tell me! i'll happily do the job!). the only relief was that we were lily and devon free for an entire week (yippee!!), but the trade off was having to put up with amber in peril and phyllis impotently flinging furniture with crazy janna standing by as the voice of reason.

the bright spots: peter bergman, of course, although i thought the letter to sharon was cheesy. i mean, who reads a letter aloud to nobody while on their last methane and debris choked breath? lauren's scenes were awesome. they were totally true to character and reminded you of her history--especially being buried alive.

i suppose that we have to wait for the fallout of all this. but how exciting can everyone passing blame and suing everyone else be? that's if the writers even remember this whole disaster in the weeks to come. as i recall, there was some plot line floating around about sabotage on the plane nick was on when he "lost" his memory. they've done a great job exploring that one!

[Danny]

Who will rise from the ashes?

Apparently everyone... except for the day player foreman. It seems clear to me where this Clear Springs storyline is going too. David Chow and the foreman were skimming money off the top and cutting corners which lead to the collapse. Ji Min somehow figured this out, and David killed him. Paul and Maggie will help take David down before going back to the home for little used characters with Niel, but Victor will end up being the big hero. Jack will sort of be vindicated... but everyone will still find some way to blame him.

And Victoria will continue to be bland, though the prospect of her in a coma makes me positively giddy, as we won't have to view anymore of the chemistry vacuum known as her relationship with JT.

Can they PLEASE find a way to bring Drucilla back? Victoria Rowell really was carrying this show. How much fun would it have been to see her instead of Amber? Or Colleen? Or Victoria?

[Dawn]

I just watched the weeks worth. That Montage,commerical thing in the middle only made me laugh.

I laughed! I don't think I shed one tear.

The only thing wjen I was watching this was it is a horrible ripoff off the Metro Court explosin, which was awesome. And lasted far longer than a week!

Out of the ashes lasted what a week, and it was far too long.

I onl thing I enjoyed was seeing Cain's muscles, when he nearly fell from the elevator shaft.Mercy.

[Dawn]

The most rediculus part was when Victoria came out and waved! She looked silly. Victor screamed at her and she didn't run she stood there and got hit by a little rock. A LITTLE Rock.

And who did Brad hurt his eyes? The whole thing was stupid.

[Carl]

I thought for sure they were killing off Det. Maggie (whom I like) or JT (who has such good and inappropriate chemistry with the men on this show and has a butt you can bounce a quarter off of), so this whole disaster did not bother me as much as it might have.

It DID bother me that Jack did not mention his son Keemo in his goodbye letter.

[Goddess]

What annoyed me NO END was the phone business. Nikki and David made a million and one calls, yet Victor told her they probably weren't getting any return calls (from trapped victims) because of overcrowded lines. And Paul getting a signal from beneath the rubble for Lauren to call Michael?! DUH! Wouldn't you call 911 if you were trapped? Plus Phyllis was suddenly permitted to make endless calls after the writers pointed out to us time and time again that she had few phone privileges.
I just felt this entire storyline was a waste of time and time spent trying to distract us from the fact that this soap sucks.

[Frederick Smith]

Hadn't watched for almost six months, but tuned in for this. I guess the advertising got me. Glad to see lots of the vets getting airtime... but Y&R never needed gimmicks like this to get viewers.

Agree with Danny... Drucilla carried the show in 2006 and early 2007, deserved an Emmy nod, and we need her back -- with Victoria Rowell in the role!
fs

[Dawn]

Was Victoria actually hit by a full size rock because it looked more like a pebble to me. Just saying.

[Dee]

i am SO disappointed. NO ONE DIED. WTF???? i have been so bored with Y&R lately and I was hoping this disaster plotline might engage me again. sadly...it did not. and that teeny tiny rock that knocked Victoria into a coma...WOW. what a joke. oh, and why in God's name was JT carrying around a TAPE PLAYER?! he doesn't rate an MP3 player? really???

[Megan]

God, what a waste of time that whole disaster storyline was. First, they were cheap with the "disaster." They didn't even try to show some of the building collapse. Just noise and reactions and then Sharon waking up with a gasp.

And somebody really, really needed to die. Even if it was just Adrian. The show needs a serious shakeup and I thought this was going to be it. Too bad, it wasn't.

Megan

[Goddess]

The rock that hit Victoria looked like it was foam. Probably one of those "boulders" from the set of the original Star Trek....

[Lisa]

I don't watch, Y&R, really! I only glance over at the TV in my Mom's house!

And even I thought this was a letdown. I did get a bit sad for good old days of Paul and Lauren 80's romancing--or am I flashing back to some other couple?--instead of plastic-faced Micheal waiting for her by the phone.

There were some somewhat tense moments of family/friends waiting by the rubble, then everyone moved into a nicely-lit set where they could all sit down. Thank god, say the actors! And then stare at cell phone and laptop screens for the next week. Er, newsflash? The Internet is inherently undramatic on the TV/movie screen. I know we all hate to admit it, but it's true.

What the heck was with PB's makeup? He looked as surgically tightened and bad-hair dye as Micheal and Brad. That's what you look like after a building falls on you?

[KLe]

"As shocking as it may sound, I was genuinely moved by the Noah arc."

Even though, as a general literary and comedic rule, I have great disdain for puns, this one kind of made me giggle. Not so much because of the pun itself, but having the mental image of the kid that plays Noah with a huge beard and boat full of biblical beasts.

[Mychal Brackens]

Imagine how awesome the Clear Springs explosion would have been with Victoria Rowell's Drucilla at its helm. Our beloved diva trapped in the parking garage is fabulous and better than any of the crap LML gave us. Y&R needs VR back soon! Viewers miss this character, writers, get her back and make this soap watchable again.