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« A Tale of Four Crazies | Main | Apparently There Are People at ABC Daytime Who Don't Find Violence Sexy »

November 08, 2007

I Have All the Wrong Questions

I'm sure General Hospital is super proud of its big sweeps event, the Black and White Ball, and wants me to be asking "Who's the killer?!  Ooh, or are there killers?!"  "Who will survive?!"  "Who will die?!"  "How kickass is Jason and how smart is Carly?!"  But instead, I'm left with different, less answerable, questions.

  • Why are all these parents at a ball on Halloween night?  And speaking of which, where the hell is Spencer?
  • Why don't Robin and Patrick just store some monofilament line with their formal wear at this point?  (SERIOUSLY, this show is ripping itself off with abandon.  Another crisis-scene surgery with fishing line?!)
  • Where has the guy who plays Johnny been all my life?
  • Does the floorplan of Wyndemere make any sense to anyone?
  • Do any of the young actresses on this show eat?
  • How did Carly get an invitation to this damned thing anyway?  She kidnapped the host's kid!
  • How did Ric manage to get shish-kabob'd by Anthony Zaccara?  Bruce Weitz is about 4'10" and 90 pounds.
  • Is Maxie available to be a guest blogger?  (I wouldn't let the fact that she's fictional get in the way.)
  • Is there some kind of dare to ruin the character of Lulu faster than they have any character in the history of this show?
  • How hilarious was Carly banging her head on that styrofoam rock because she saw a bat?
  • Would anyone else have preferred for the real-time stuff to have taken place in the gardening shed with Tracy?
  • How awesome was Luke hearing that blood-curdling scream and immediately going "Spanky?"
  • Do you think the writers ever realize how badly they f'ed up Alexis and Ric, and want to beat themselves about their heads with heavy objects?  Just me, then?
  • Does the sets budget on this show ever exceed my monthly grocery allowance?
  • Why does Nicolas have a barn that's fully stocked with hay?  He has cows on that island?
  • Is any woman going to be allowed to be remotely heroic in this situation, or are the big strong men just going to continue to rescue the damsels in distress?  (Related question:  Why don't the GH showrunners understand their target audience?)
  • How the hell did Jason escape that bomb exploding?  He swam in his big leather jacket, for at least a mile, if that "special" effect explosion was any indication?  Or did he fly with his angel wings, his halo lighting the way?


LOL! I haven't watched at all this week because I feel like I've already seen this sweeps stunt before (PC Hotel burning, train crashing, MetroCourt blowing up). What kills me is how easy it is for anyone to get to Spoon Island. Does Nicolas have less security than Sonny? Johnny Zaccara just shows up, Anthony sneaks in, why not just add Helena Cassadine and Cesar Faison while we're at it (Ah, the good ole days). God, wouldn't that plot have made more sense if you're going to rip yourself off? Add Stavros in the mix and I might actually care about this show. And the parents are all at the ball, because unseen Bobby, Lesley and Audrey are all doing the babysitting.

All good questions, but I can answer one. Emily had a throwaway line a few days ago about how Spencer had been sent to stay with Laura's mom (I think) because of Nickolas' blackouts.

I don't think they ever explained why Carly and Jax are there in the first place, though, which is ridiculous. C'mon, it wouldn't have been that hard to write a scene where, say, Nickolas agrees to invite Jax (and by extension Carly) as an apology to Alexis for throwing that glass at her! It took me ten seconds to come up with that!

yes, where has Brandon Barash been all my life? i've fallen for him big time! he's all broody, twisty, disturbed, and gorgeous while doing it. he has the best "bitch, please" face this side of james scott. and he reminded the viewing audience that sonny and anthony zacchara are indeed the same person. it's just that AZ is more fun what with the boogie man act and all. i was very put off by the whole deranged mobster running amuck bit, but it's turned campy now and i'm accepting it as comedy--writers' intentions be damned! it's really too bad AZ didn't take the opportunity to beat carly down with that branch. what a waste of a prop!

Not for nothing, but hat scene with Jason on the boat in the leather jacket slightly reminds me of the episode of Happy Days where Fonzie, in leather jacket, waterski's over a bunch of sharks. Anyways, that is weird how they never explained Jason escaping that bomb. You would think the leather jacket would weigh him down if he swam to the island. It would have been so much more plausible if he came to Wyndemere slightly undressed after that

Considering the spoiler information I now know for the next couple of weeks, I have questions to add.

How does Guza write with his head up his own ass?

Since Guza considers "romantic" the same definition as "violent," will Jason tell Liz to take the gun he gave her and shoot herself, since that's apparently the height of romance?

Is the phrase "shoot three times and run away" considered foreplay?

Would Freddy Krueger be ashamed to be affiliated with something this cheesy?

Any chance GH will be beaten in the ratings by a woman cooking sausages on cable access television?

Yes, I'm a little bitter right now.

The saddest part about this awful show is that they can't even rip themselves off well. If they thought redoing the Metro Court in Goth was a winner, at least try to do it well.

Carly & the rock...too bad she ever woke up.

The only positive of this whole thing is watching Bruce Weitz camp it up to the nth degree. You know the man has to be having a blast.

Obviously no one here watched Gilmore Girls. That's where I know Johnny from (Brandon Barash). He was only in about 3 or 4 episodes and his character was very nice, very bland, very vanilla. But cute. Yep. He was definitely cute and I hoped he'd be around more, so I am happy to see him on GH.

So, JTS1978, you're basically saying that the Jason-boat scene was the moment when GH "jumped the shark" for you? ;-}

Love your column Becca! Love this site, it is so witty and interesting!

Too bad you don't write for GH!

They need good storyline, what they have on is not creative and frankly the only one that is funny is AZ and it is obvious that he is milking it for all it's worth! He made me laugh!

Love Johnny very intriguing and romantic, boy he looks good! I can see him with Lulu if she grow up! Logan is really clueless boy he does not shine when good actors are around!

LOL..GH has jumped a mighty big shark with this whole storyline

Silly Becca! It wasn't Jason's angel wings or his halo that got him to the island-it was his Mighty Mouse cape! Seriously, any minute now that's what the track playing will be when Jason shows up anywhere, "Here I come to save the DAAAAAAYYYYY!"

And you know, as bad as this whole thing has been (Jason and Liz's "romantic" shooting lesson, Jason threatening bodily harm to the former "love of his life", watching a useless twit that no one cares about cry over some stupid pearls that no one cares about b/c they are somehow connected to her stupid backstory that no one cares about-although watching Maxie rip them off of her was a definite highlight, Lulu and her 57698323434 boyfriends fighting over her-and now useless twit #2, Nadine-while Georgie languishes on the backburner, Robin having to stand quietly!! while Patrick is such an asshole to her and then having to APOLOGIZE! TO! HIM!! for DEFENDING HERSELF!!), watching Carly fall on her face was worth it all. Go, Bat and Styrofoam Rock!! WOO-HOO!!

And, seriously, is Zacchara the funniest dude on this show or what? But Kate, I'm afraid, does lose points for saying Sonny was "nothing like Zacchara"-um, YEAH, Kate, he kinda is.

Oh, and another highlight? Ye Olde Wooden Face hasn't had a line since last week, and she got pushed out of the way by myAlexis like the useless prop she is! HEE!

Is Jason the only man with balls on Gh please Luke used to be the man and alway's need help from Robert, and Jason can do this all by himself he better call Sam, Liz will be no help.

I have some questions of my own!

How is it that Liz was married to a cop and a lawyer who is now the DA and doesn't know to not pick up murder weapons out of dead bodies and carry them around the house in the dark?

Was Jason grabbing Liz in the dark and covering her mouth intended to make me flashback to her rape and go "oh gosh! That's so romantic! Briging up THAT memory for her! Go you JAson!"? Or was that just a bonus?

If there is safety in numbers, then why leave someone alone in a BARN with a killer on the loose? Has no one watched horror movies in this town? Alone in the barn always means the psycho is going for you first!

Why does Lucky disappear for no good reason and with no real purpose EVERY. SINGLE. FECKING. SWEEPS?

Is shooting a tree supposed to convince me of someone's fitness for mob life?

Did the actors actually memorize new lines or are they just inserting Zaccara's name in February's scripts for Craig?

Did the showrunners really think that THIS would keep us wanting more until they finished their strike?

Why would Leslie miss this?

Are all the other children baby sat by Audrey during this thing?

If Leticia is dead....who's raising Michael and Morgan?

And most importantly....how badly does this story blow that it makes Celine Dion being on AMC seem almost more sweeps worthy?

Can someone please explain to me why all of the following items were included in one episode and how the writers can be patting themselves on the back for it?!

1)Repeated timeline
It's not that I didn't love the GH fire when the actual Lulu was playing another character or Edward having a heart attack or Nem getting hurt, but why is it all happening again? I have to agree with Beth. It's like they're going: I really liked these lines so would you please line up and pick one from that hat?

2) Lack of family loyalty
Sam is all worried about Lucky and Carly's going, "Oh yeah. Lucky. Right. Get him. I don't care." Lucky is missing but Lulu couldn't care less. (I'm going to pretend that when Elizabeth made the comment about thinking of the people out there keeping them safe...since none of the women are smart enough to tie their shoes...she was referring to her husband).

3) Unlikely illnesses like appendicitis happening during an already life-threatening situation. Because that's never happened before.

4) Sonny being the hero. Let's all forget that he pushed his pregnant mother down the stairs. Isn't that why they brought Kate on?

5) The only actors who are talking sense get bullshit storylines i.e. Alexis, Maxie, Georgie, Sam (I kind of had to laugh when I added that last one but she fits).

6) Having a portable defibrillator on hand when you're not a doctor.

7) Naïve female characters

8) Emily offering medical advice after undergoing three weeks of medical school

9) Jason swimming a mile+ in a leather jacket
Russian roulette

10) No storyline for powerful women

11) Degrading said women

12) Throwing characters together by default i.e. Craig, Georgie, Coop, Kate

13) Giving Nikolas a weapon when he has blackouts

14) Jason saving the day

15) Carly being the logical one

16) Elizabeth deciding it’s all going to be okay because of Jason

17) Lulu playing on everyone’s fear devoid of all reason

18) Jax giving Sonny advice and Sonny taking it

19) Justifying death and murder

20) Stupid little ploys to remind us of past couple’s love

21) Forcing us to care about unimportant characters i.e. Whore-La, Nadine, Craig, Sonny, Jason, Carly

22) Never actually killing anyone in a crisis

23) Prop characters

24) Using old friendships as a last resort i.e. Jax/Alexis, Nikolas/Robin

25) Using big words like ironic.

26) Redeeming a character in two point five seconds i.e. Craig, Whore-La, Sonny, Ric

27) No one ever thanking Sam. She's the only one who can shoot straight, but Carly accuses her of doing it to show off for Jason. Then, because it's such a confusing storyline, Jason reminds the audience that he can never forgive her and unleash his "secret pain."

28) Damsels in distress in every situation.

29) A shootout in every scene

30) Leaving a weapon out in the open

31) Thunder and lightning every time there is a crisis

32) Making intelligent women hysterical i.e. Georgie.

33) Making up words like “concussed”

34) Stupid nicknames like Stone Cold, Fair Lulu, and Maternal One

35) Wasting actors with talent

36) A simple touch waking up characters that have been knocked out

37) Rain, white dresses, and perfect hair

38) Elizabeth telling everyone about her business in the same breath she begs complete strangers to forget it

39) A polished prince is possible of bringing down a madman but not a cop or a mobster

40) Standing aside and never helping as the character’s significant other is being strangled

you know bubbly...my friend you brought one more question up for me...

Why is it NOT shocking that GH sucks in the ratings?

Honestly, this sweeps s/l is SO bad that I'm totally following Bruce Weitz's lead - I'm in it for the completely unintentionally hilarious, campy ride. Or I could throw inanimate objects at my tv - yeah, I'll stick with BW.

Carly + styrofoam rock + "bat" = COMEDY GOLD!

This is two sweeps in a row (I only count Feb. and Nov. as sweeps) that Maxie totally ROCKS! She's smart, funny and calls out the sanctimonious nimrods on their crap. Why doesn't this show use her in this way all the time? Oh yes, that might detract from Shrewlu and her eleventy suitors.

But never fear, dear viewers, the Holy Hitman is here to save the day. Kill me now!

I don't want to know how Jason escaped the bomb, I want to know the purpose of the bomb in the first place. WTF?

I also don't know why Patrick and Robin aren't more relaxed about the fishing line surgery, they should at least reference the fact that one of them was personally stitched up by a bunch of rank amateurs with picture hanging wire and lived to tell the tale, so Ric should be easy. But I guess that would be pointing out their obvious self ripping off, and we couldn't have that.

Carly and the rock was unintentionally hilarious, Bruce Weitz is intentionally hilarious I have to believe. He's having a great time and I'm enjoying him playing like a figure in a haunted house.

Finally, with this many people in one house, how the hell is only one of them, only one, a compatible blood donor?

If I can enjoy the high camp factor, I like this sweeps storyline. If I actually start thinking back to when GH was good, I start to twitch.

I was going to say that I hope that Guza is taking this time off during the writers strike to do some soul searching about the state of the show, but that would be acknowleding that he has a soul, and I am not feeling that generous.

its a shame that i don't have the same excited anticipation of running home from work in november to see gh sweeps..last feb, i couldn't wait to get home to see what happended at the metro court..at least i felt that way for a couple of weeks..this nov sweeps, i don't even watch it until i'm ready to go to bed..sweeps is BORING..unless you're a liason or skate fan..and i'm not..the only saving grace for me is the wonderful ks as maxie, and bw's campy performance as psycho az..i'm hoping next week will be better.oh, and i'm also enjoy raging nik going at his guests (patrick, lucky, logan)..btw, how come patrick was only one with blood on his white vest?? didn't robin, leyla and emily 'assists'?? and no blood on their white dresses?? wtf??

- Emily did drop a line about Spencer being with Lesley due to Nikolas being ... whatever he is.
- And where the hell did scrubs get the tube to do the transfusion? And since when does Nikolas fish?!
- Johnny's dreamy.
- I think Lindze actually looks healthy. She's thin, but she's not like ... "OMG is that your chest plate poking through your shirt?!" thin (or "Kirsten Storms thin" for short)
- Maxie's "Or, maybe he's just a better dancer than you" to Logan about Johnny just about made my week.
- I actually don't think the destruction of Lulu has been fast (and I don't think she's totally beyond redemption yet ... well, maybe with these writers). I think it's been a slow and grueling process for about a year and a half now to turn her into Carly. But I refuse to give up, given how awesome she used to be and how awesome JMB still is.
- Tony Geary is magic, he can save an episode with one line. Even the "you get the door!" banter between Luke and Scott managed to be some of the best stuff in the B&W ball thus far.
- Hay would be for his horses, right? But ... now that you mention it if Eliz and co are in the barn, where *are* the horses?!
- No women can be heroic. No men can be heroic. Only Jason's can be heroic. The only women that want to try to 'save' the day are being moronic about it [I.E. Lulu].
- Was there even continuity on that. Did I zone out again?

The best part of sweeps has definitely been Ric & Alexis, but now that she's getting off the island, I have no reason to watch anymore...although Luke/Tracy might be entertaining. I loved "Spanky?"

Carly hitting her head on the "rock?" Awesome.

I feel like all the crap AZ is saying about how women are nothing is what Guza wants to say to the audience. He doesn't care that women are the ones watching soaps - he has no respect for them, and this is his way of telling us through dialogue.

You are right Michelle. that is exactly what Guza thinks. Like when Jerry was walking around insulting the PCPD all the time calling them dumbflat foots...that was Guza. When Jerry was calling Laura a vegitable...that was Guza. Everytime a character sings Jason's praise as the bestest insert your noun here EVER..that's Guza.

The more moronic the statement? the more likely it is exactly what Guza thinks.

"Elizabeth deciding it’s all going to be okay because of Jason"

I swear, yesterday she said something like it's not going to be okay with a deranged mobster running around, and I was like, "she gets it! She's over Jason, and now they're going to go rescue themselves." Then I realized she wasn't talking about THAT psycho mobster...

Yeah Capo...we so weren't THAT Lucky (excuse the pun)

and how is it when its anyone BUT Jason and Sonny they are "Deranged mobsters" but those two (such the poster children of good mental health) it "they are good men who will save us all."

Becky, I've seen every episode of Gilmore Girls! Who did Brandon Barash play? IMDB says Jamie but I don't remember who that was.

IMDB also says he's 28, so it's not even inappropriate for me to think he's smoking hot. Woohoo, birthdays in the 70s!

Jamie was the guy that Paris blew-off so she could be with that um, nasty 85 yr-old professor of hers. In his last epi, Jamie went all the way over there for two days to see Paris, and on his Birthday (after Rory talked to Paris about her sucking & not being fair to him), Paris calls him up and dumps him (pretty much crediting the decision to do so to Rory).
Hope that helps jog the ole memory.

I too have been wondering (I thought all by myself!) on a few things on Halloween night. Who took Morgan and Michael Trick or Treating? Certainly not Leticia who had the bad taste to be strangled by a phone cord. Really, how may people actually have phones in their homes that have those cords. But I digress...Mr. Cassadine has to have contacted his holding companies and had all his private military together and they can just KICK each others BUTT and get rid of the really bad guys (the one with zaharra? and their mercenaries. Part 2 Coming with my really really important questions about SB

My part two mainly deals with Jason and the sometimes women he has in his life. I guess Spinelli doesn't count. Alexis counts in his life as well as Emily, LuLu, Maxie, Marrying Brenda in an Elvis steeple, and all the incarnations of Carly. Sarah Brown and Jason had great chemistry, however my very favourite Carly is Tamara Braun. She really nailed the relationship between her and Jason. her and Sonny, Her and both of them. All that stated so that it could be compared that Jason wasn't as cool with the ladies pre-accident but became a chick magnet after that. So, my point of all this going on is finally my way to say Steve Burton's hair is looking so slimy and creepy and has Farrah Fawett hairl It is just really so bad. It is distracting to the show. Oh, and Carly's clothes suck.

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