Serial Drama

I Have All the Wrong Questions

I'm sure General Hospital is super proud of its big sweeps event, the Black and White Ball, and wants me to be asking "Who's the killer?!  Ooh, or are there killers?!"  "Who will survive?!"  "Who will die?!"  "How kickass is Jason and how smart is Carly?!"  But instead, I'm left with different, less answerable, questions.

• Why are all these parents at a ball on Halloween night?  And speaking of which, where the hell is Spencer?
• Why don't Robin and Patrick just store some monofilament line with their formal wear at this point?  (SERIOUSLY, this show is ripping itself off with abandon.  Another crisis-scene surgery with fishing line?!)
• Where has the guy who plays Johnny been all my life?
• Does the floorplan of Wyndemere make any sense to anyone?
• Do any of the young actresses on this show eat?
• How did Carly get an invitation to this damned thing anyway?  She kidnapped the host's kid!
• How did Ric manage to get shish-kabob'd by Anthony Zaccara?  Bruce Weitz is about 4'10" and 90 pounds.
• Is Maxie available to be a guest blogger?  (I wouldn't let the fact that she's fictional get in the way.)
• Is there some kind of dare to ruin the character of Lulu faster than they have any character in the history of this show?
• How hilarious was Carly banging her head on that styrofoam rock because she saw a bat?
• Would anyone else have preferred for the real-time stuff to have taken place in the gardening shed with Tracy?
• How awesome was Luke hearing that blood-curdling scream and immediately going "Spanky?"
• Do you think the writers ever realize how badly they f'ed up Alexis and Ric, and want to beat themselves about their heads with heavy objects?  Just me, then?
• Does the sets budget on this show ever exceed my monthly grocery allowance?
• Why does Nicolas have a barn that's fully stocked with hay?  He has cows on that island?
• Is any woman going to be allowed to be remotely heroic in this situation, or are the big strong men just going to continue to rescue the damsels in distress?  (Related question:  Why don't the GH showrunners understand their target audience?)
• How the hell did Jason escape that bomb exploding?  He swam in his big leather jacket, for at least a mile, if that "special" effect explosion was any indication?  Or did he fly with his angel wings, his halo lighting the way?

A Tale of Four Crazies

If David Hayward were still around, I'd suspect him of slipping some sort of psychotropic substance into the Pine Valley water supply, because the people running around this town are straight up nuts.

While the idea of a group of nutters running around town all insane and stuff sounds like it could be entertaining (or at least the plot of an Eli Roth movie), it's less compelling than one would imagine.

J.R.: Here's a crazy idea. Why don't we get married again?

Okay, note to J.R.: admitting something is crazy does not make it any less crazy. Suggesting that you and Babe get married again after the myriad crimes you committed against each other including, but not limited to, kidnapping, attempted murder and adultery with an aborted fetus? Crazy.

I know that a lot of couples find their way back to each other for sex or a genuine reconciliation because of a deep connection they have or whatever, but...this just seems wrong. Also, I found myself distracted through most of their scenes by Jacob Young's relentlessly disgusting hair and Amanda Baker's pleasant obliviousness. I know nothing about the woman in real life and I'm sure that she's sweet, but I suspect that she's a complete simpleton. Her eyes always look vacant. It's kind of creepy. I don't hate her as Babe just yet, although I'm sure that I will once the novelty of "eeee! No more smug face and nasally whine! Hurrah!" wears off, but, really, the chemistry between Jacob Young and Alexa Havins was the only positive about the Babe/J.R. relationship, so without Alexa in the role, their comfort-sex session fell a bit flat.

SPEAKING OF: why do the women in the Carey family feel that the only way to comfort a man is to sleep with them? Krystal comforts Tad, depressed about killing a man, by sleeping with him. Babe comforts J.R., depressed about something to do with Ava that I refuse on principle to pay one iota of attention to because the character repulses me, by sleeping with him. Not for nothing, but, you know, there are other ways to handle another person's depression. I, personally, am fond of just ignoring it, but I'm sure Miss Manners would have excellent suggestions should you ever need one. I just have this horrible vision of Baby Jenny going to kindergarten and seeing a classmate get in trouble for coloring outside the lines, and offering to meet him behind the jungle gym to make him feel better.

Fabulous or Hideous?

It's not featured very prominently, so you may have missed that Nikolas is having a Black and White Ball.  And shockingly, a storm is literally and figuratively brewing!  But ignore the nefarious goings-on -- particularly if you've ever watched General Hospital during sweeps before, because then you've already seen them -- and focus on the fashion.  Focus, vote, dish, weep -- and please excuse the fact that because they're screencaps and not posed, we don't have good shots of all the gowns. 

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We hope that all of you managed to get your hands on the 11/6 issue of Soap Opera Digest which featured a preview of the upcoming sweeps storylines and Halloween inspired interviews with the soap stars who made horror movies, which confirmed our theory that Megan Ward is, in fact, made of adorable. It also featured our October My Take/My Take, Too column we critique the happenings of Genoa City, Port Charles and Salem.

Mallory has a brief moment of doubt and wonders if she's too critical about The Young and the Restless but, in a coup for the cynical and mean-spirited everywhere, realizes that she's not, while Becca ponders the sorry state of young love on Days of Our Lives and General Hospital (and manages to make one final insult about her nemesis, Jeremy "Horton").

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review

Well, it really shouldn't be surprising that Days' ratings have taken a sharp upward turn, because the show has improved over the last few weeks.  And I haven't done any recaps.  Coincidence?  Will I once again have to confront the reality that I won't be able to blog if my shows get good?  (I'm in no danger of that with GH, thank god.)

At some point if this show gets really, truly good, I may be reduced to just posting screencaps of James Scott.  He provides a range of entertainment services:

giving bitchface

being handcuffed

laughting semi-maniacally

waving at babies

seething quietly

being an unsettling ghost in the nightmare of his future wife (as you do)

...yes, even as an un-dead zombie, he could still get it.

Sure, EJ's still a lunatic, shooting up cars

cutting up Kate's face (he's not the first!), plotting against Sami's relatives, obsessing over his son, being devoted to his psychopath father, yadda yadda . . . but James Scott is insanely hot, and that wins.  (I know I sound a bit like those "Jason and Sonny are so hot with their guns" crazies.  But James Scott is hotter than they are, which makes it totally different.)

GH Couple of Weeks in Review

So the big sweeps events have brought me at least temporarily out of my GH Week in Review boycott.  It's not that I've started enjoying the show, exactly, it's just that since the writers only ever bother to move storylines along during sweeps months, I'm at least guaranteed a greater array of things to mock.  I've gotten over my reaction to the Black and White Ball hairstyles (which could be summed up as:

except I don't want to give you the idea I'd ever wear my hair that way), and I actually thought a few of the gowns were pretty fabulous, so they will get their own post.  I'm really passionate about pretty clothes, and I don't think it's fair for them to share more space with GH writing than they already have to.

I think anyone who has watched this show in the last ten years knows that Jason is always going to end up being the hero of the [insert sweeps crisis here], but did anyone see the boat twist, complete with entertainingly horrendous special effects, coming?

I was worried about the hideous Night Shift CGI skyline, but good news, it's found work as a Jason prop!  It's in good company with the rest of the cast. 

Look how poor, soaked Jason and his hair are streaking through the oddly wave-free water to rescue the people he loves!

(Or at least, one of the people he "loves," who is doing something colossally stupid.)

Sidenote 1:  I much preferred his snotty, dismissive attitude the week before:

Jason:  Why can't you just stay out of it?  Oh, you can't because you're Carly.

Sidenote 2:  If they ignored Cooper all these months just to either make him a killer or kill him off, I will be...well, about as pissed as I am on a daily basis at this show, but I will also be mourning the absence of Jason Gerhardt's gorgeousness.  Boy is fine.

Anyway, I'm embarrassed to admit that I have any actual questions about this stupid plot point, but WTF is up with this?

There's a bomb on the boat?  What?  How?  Jason doesn't have a boat, right, so it's just random boat he swiped and it happened to have a bomb on it?  This makes no sense.  (Speaking of which, at some point can we chat about why the Cassadines insist on calling the boats that bring people to Spoon Island "launches"?  Because that confuses me too.  I just thought I'd put all the embarrassing stuff on the table at once.)

It was a week of awful set effects, because before I was mesmerized by Jason the ArgoNot, I was wrapped up in the paper-maché castle balcony

and I was totally absorbed by the terrible CGI of Wyndemere

...doesn't it look like it's in a She-Ra cartoon?  And I probably would have rewound a couple of times just to see that for the tenth time last week because it's so gloriously awful, but then I had to rewind for another reason

We've been hoping for interesting storytelling, character development, and multi-week arcs, and they can't even do second-grade math.

Can Hair and Makeup Go On Strike Too?

I know General Hospital likes to "go big" during sweeps, but my god, I've never seen a more concentrated collection of huge hair -- and I went to formals in the 80s, and have been to New Jersey.

Carly's is huge and tacky, but it's not entirely out of character.

It's not like she's otherwise the picture of fashionable refinement, so I could have lived with it if it were just her.

But it was EVERYONE!  Honestly, it was like GH had a side-deal with Aqua-Net and Falls-apalooza (coming to a strip mall near you!).

Poor, poor Robin.  She broke up with the formerly uber-hot Patrick, lost her damn mind and started running around asking every guy she knows and the pretzel vendor on the corner for sperm, and now this.

The bun is larger than her entire head, and is that a spit-curl?!

Ouch

Today, the ABC brass unveiled the big news that the special guest star for All My Children's November sweeps stunt is going to be...Celine Dion.

'Celine Dion represents another of today's top recording artists who are tapping into ABC's prime ratings position and garnering a presence with our daytime audience. This is the perfect blend of the power of music coupled with dramatic storytelling and enhancing the visibility of our brand across multi-platforms,' said Mr. Frons.

Ohmigod, you guys, he said "prime ratings position"! He's a lying liar who lies, unless "prime" is code for "shitty", in which case he's a dumbass, but an honest one, because this big news came out the day that the ratings show exactly how much ABC Daytime is sucking and blowing, what with AMC in dead last place*. I find that endlessly hilarious.

QUESTIONS:

• Does any of that make any sense whatsoever, or was it lifted verbatim from a Mad Libs page?
• What will it take to get Brian Frons fired?
• Who, aside from grandmas and the deaf, is clamoring for Celine Dion?
• Seriously, it's not 1998 anymore, is it?
• Don't you think it would be better if the guest were Ana Gasteyer as Celine Dion?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when their big celebrity guest was Donny Osmond?
• Is this more or less embarrassing than when Clay Aiken sang to Steve and Kayla?
• If you want your brand to be more visible across multi-platforms (if that's really, like, a thing), shouldn't you focus on your brand not sucking?

*Dead Last!

1. Y&R
2. B&B
3. ATWT
4. GH
5. DAYS
6. OLTL
7. GL
8. AMC

!!! That's ultra embarrassing. More people watch Guiding Light--we didn't even know that existed!