What Fresh Hell?

Far be it from me to praise anything even tangentially related to Brad Carlton, BUT! The other day, the moment when Brad announced to Victor that he is petitioning to get custody of Victoria's fetus led to the greatest facial expression of Eric Braeden's career, and perhaps the single best greatest facial expression since Cameron Webber's "Bitch, please" with his now beloved "What fresh hell?"

It's hilarious, because it's the perfect blend of horror, anger, confusion and utter, utter depression, which is the exact blend of feelings I have when watching this show!

HORROR

For starters, I have something in common with Neil.

NEIL: You know, it's the little things in life that drive you absolutely crazy. Somebody keeps drinking that last cup of coffee and then they refuse to--to pour a fresh pot. It drives me out of my mind.

I have made that same complaint, word for word, more times than I can count. I am especially fond of loudly saying it in front of the suspected culprit, in hopes of shaming them. It rarely works. I am not sure what to be more embarrassed of: putting my lunacy out there for the entire internets to see, or having something in common with the most boring man on daytime. I'm leaning towards the latter...

Onto another, more serious horror: if this show provides me with one more fake memory that Nick has of growing up with Victoria, I am going to have to do stab myself in the eye.

NICK: Every day at 2:00 she would get this mysterious headache, need to take a rest. So the headmaster would call Mom. I actually thought it was hysterical. I'd tease her endlessly about it. I called her Racket. 'Cause, you know, it worked on two levels. My mom wouldn't be able to get her to play, so she put me on the phone, and I was like, "Come on, Racket, you're not fooling anyone. Get off your butt and go play tennis." So she would. So let's go, Racket. Let's go play some tennis.

NICK: Hey, so, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I took your car out for a little spin. I put a nice ding in it on the side as I was putting it back in the garage. It's a good one. I'm sure you're gonna wanna kick my butt for it. But to do that, you gotta wake up, sis. So wake up.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE NICK AND VICTORIA'S CHILDHOOD HAPPEN! IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

ANGER

I've given up the dream of Gloria ever getting caught for the Jabot cream scandal. It was a hard dream to give up, since I wasn't even asking for her to go to prison or anything, I mostly just wanted someone to punch her, but whatever, I gave it up. I know that this means she's going to have to get increasingly wily in her efforts to not get punished for what she did, and I made my peace with that, but she's going to try to pin it on JILL?

Her little mistake thinking I was the brains behind the new contest gave me an idea on what to do about Jeffrey...William's note said "Don't let her get away with it." Her. The mystery woman could be anybody...and if I can make him believe that William was on another woman's trail... ...in fact, the first person he dated after his wife died: Jill.

Jill? Well, that never crossed my mind. Let me think about it. I suppose. Anybody could. But I'll tell ya this, Jill is so smart. If she did something criminal, she'd take precautions to make sure she never got caught.

I don't even know sometimes. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to lead to the bug-eyed, back alley grifter emerging victorious over the person who's been on the show since 1973? Oh, right, because I've watched Y&R before.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it will be good. Granted, the chances of that are the same as the chances that they'll stop putting Gloria in Fran Drescher's rejected outfits, but, you know, it could happen.

CONFUSION

Does anybody, aside from headless viewers, actually think that Victoria is going to die? No, right? So why are we supposed to be on the edge of our seat wondering what the outcome of this story is going to be and, also, why is this story on every single day? And perhaps the appeal of Matthew McConaughey, while you're at it? Thanks in advance.

UTTER, UTTER DEPRESSION

Man, this show is terribly boring. There are only, like, six things more boring than this show, including art history, televised billiards, The Old Man and the Sea, the catalogue of Michael Bolton, Monopoly and Private Practice. That's uber depressing.

In similarly sad news, I've always known it to be the case and I know that it's his thing, but the fact that Victor is SUCH an asshole and will never, ever stop being an asshole is sort of sad to me, especially since no character, ever, has been allowed to get the best of him. I don't even know what specifically brought this sadness on--perhaps his confrontation with Nikki when the phrases "How dare you?" and "Don't you dare" were repeated a dozen times--but it sucks all the same. Much like watching Sonny Corinthos, or Jason Morgan or Babe Carey, it's no fun trying to get invested in a storyline when you already know what the ending's going to be.

This assholery, btw, does not detract from the awesomeness of the "What fresh hell face", obvs.

Comments

[Becca]

Holy hell, Eric Braeden is like a live-version sepia-toned photograph!

"What fresh hell?" is one of my fav expressions, BTW.

I can't believe in all this time I never knew you hated Monopoly. Do you also think puppies are ugly?

[Beth R.]

Holy crap...I look like that when I watch GH....I have something in common with VICTOR????

convulsions....convulsions...convulsions....

"What fresh hell?" indeed...indeed.

[smirks]

Okay, as long as there's a big closeup of Eric Braeden's face...can I ask a question that has been plaguing me for most of my existence? What is that on his upper lip? Is it supposed to be a moustache? It's like lip stubble, or like random mold growing on his upper lip.

[Lisa]

I read that as custody of *Victor's fetus* Something tells me that would make a better storyline.

Nick has to make up he and Victoria's childhoods because they didn't have any. The way Bell soap kids go from birth to getting knocked up themselves in about three years has always bugged the shit out of me.

[Danny]

If it makes you feel any better, it looks like Lynn Marie Latham has been fired, according to TV Guide. Maybe we can actually have a decent writer take over this snooze fest.

[Jes]

I like that nobody ever gets the better of Victor. He's more fun that way. There are a few villains from old shows that I would have liked to see get away with EVERYTHING, but that didn't happen, and it ruined the characters for me. So you go, Victor! Show 'em how it's done!

[Titian]

"STOP TRYING TO MAKE NICK AND VICTORIA'S CHILDHOOD HAPPEN! IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"

thank you! thank you! LET IT GO WRITERS!! THEY NEVER HAD A FRIGGIN' CHILDHOOD! one day they were 5, then they were gone, a year later they came back college age. sheesh! there are better things to do with josh morrow's screen time. better, silent, shirtless things to do...

[Heather]

I feel like the fact that nobody ever gets the better of Victor has a lot to do with Eric Braeden thinking it would be IMPOSSIBLE and OUT OF CHARACTER for that ever to happen. He is always fighting the writers about stuff, and while I think to a point that's smart, he also strikes me as something of a prick who would threaten to leave the show if Victor Newman didn't always somehow reign supreme.

[Bill C.]

Oh, Mallory. I'm right there with you on the whole Teflon Doña thing. The show's gone ridiculously out of its way Babe-style to shape the universe so that Gloria manages to skate on the one or two still-pending misdeeds she has on her punch card...it's annoying as hell, on top of being boring...

[Goddess]

Eric Braden has been phoning it in for years. I can't believe they pay him the big bucks. And I SWEAR if I hear the phrase, "You got that?!" come out of his mouth one more time....grrrrrrrr!