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« All My Children: The Moment of Truth Edition | Main | No More Nookie, Please »

December 05, 2007

I'm Dead, and I'm Just GIDDY About It!

Hi!  My name is was Emily Quartermaine!  I had a super amazing life.  "You can never be too rich or too thin"?  Could easily have been written just for me!  Crazily pretty and not yet even 30, I had:  a promising career as a doctor (which I only had to spend 42 minutes in medical school to get), a handsome and rich fiancé, a loving mother and a loving-though-morally-questionable brother, great friends, usually fabulous hair, and a ton of mascara and lipgloss.  Other than the occasional flashback to a romantic slip-up a year or so ago (which I agreed never to speak about publicly because it made my mom and passers-by on the street cry), and the unnecessary death of my father a few months back, my entire existence was really fantastic! 

Then some asshole killed me.

And for a minute, I was, like, totally buggin'!  But then I realized:  DEATH IS AWESOME. 




My fiance's aunt expressing serious concern about his mental health and well-being?  Hee!



Seeing a newspaper headline, announcing my brutal slaughter at the hands of an unknown killer?  Uproarious!


A detective accusing my fiance of murdering me?  Hysterical!



I'm telling you, death gets SUCH a bad rap.


Watching Natalia Livingston in these scenes, I want to reach through the screen and shake her, yelling, "You're putting the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLABle!"

And while I'm there, I'll beat Bob Guza about the head with heavy objects.  Preferably ones with sharp edges.

Most screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.


I just feel like singing "I feel pretty...oh so pretty...I feel pretty and witty and deaddddddd"

Ever get the impression the actors get the story breakdown and just go "Oh hell...nothing can save this drivel...I'm going to act like an idiot! See if it actually does something then."? Just me?

Yes this is SO the most romantic story ever told.....

I think I've noticed a trend. There's generally two types of women on "General Hospital." The first type are the characters who barely exist outside their relationships with men (Carly's the worst example, since her character is defined by THREE men) and the second are the ones who have professions and ambitions and silly things like that. Out of the second type:

Monica - Successful surgeon, gets very little story (unless it involves Jason).

Tracy - Shrewd businesswoman, gets very little story (unless it involves Luke).

Emily - As soon as she becomes a promising doctor, she dies and becomes a ghost who can only interact with a man.

Alexis - Ambitious lawyer, gets very little story and characters constantly have to remind us that she's "controlling" (even when the actual actions of the character don't quite jibe with that).

Georgie - Highly intelligent student with a bright future, gets one possible storyline that is unceremoniously dropped and winds up the love interest of a one-dimensional "comic relief" character.

The most likely exceptions to my "two-type" theory are Kate and Robin. However, with Kate her attempts to re-establish have taken second place to her relationship with Sonny while Robin just constantly switched between pining for Patrick or having "baby rabies" for the past few months.

You are right on the money, Chad.

LOL! Becca I could not stop laughing throughout the Giddy Dead Woman post.

Those were great screencaps too. *heehee* I'm feeling giddy!

Becca, if I could hug you I would. Thank you for putting into perspective just a small fraction of what is seriously wrong with all of this. If this doesn't make "worst of" in 2008, then what faith I have left in US soaps will be gone. Do they have enough time to make it for this year's list too?

I've grown not to expect much from the female characters on GH sadly-oh, not because of the actors or actual characters mind you (except for NL...please leave my screen and never come back. Thank you.) but because of the crappy, crappy writing. Maybe we can contact someone in Haiti to put a voodoo curse on Bob Guza where he has a excruciating sensation every time he urinates or much worse.

And the sad thing is the ride is just beginning...

I actually guffawed--extremely unattractively--at the bit about the emPHAsis being on the wrong sylLABle. It seemed every other line yesterday was, "Nikolas, you would NEVER hurt me," or "Nikolas, you would NEVER hurt Emily." After the umpteenth time, I kind of wanted to die, too. . . but then I thought, oh, no; I might run into a chirpy dead doctor, and that would be no fun at all.

Now, please forgive me for mentioning a different subject (and rest assured I'm quite neutral, and in fact kind of like all the characters involved), but please do a post explaining why it is SELFISH and STUPID to not want to bring a child into an already overpopulated world. Be sure not to mention all the people who have children they don't really want and aren't really prepared to care for, and whatever you do, don't talk about people who go ahead and have children only because their partners just HAVE to have one of their own (which of course isn't selfish in the least).

That is all. Thank you for indulging me, everyone.

Aydee, do not EVEN get me started on that bullshit speech today. Was I supposed to be all "wooo, Lizzie!"?!? No. Believe me, there will be a post. It might have to wait for Week in Review, though, because I don't know that I will calm down enough before Friday. This effing show.

I usually love NL, but this storyline is seriously bizarre, as is her acting.

And Becca, let me second Aydee in the request for you to do a post on that INFURIATING speech by Liz to Patrick today. I mean, there is tons of stuff that Patrick has done that deserves a good chewing out, but not wanting kids is NOT one of them.

And the fact that Liz, who yesterday was telling Jason the killer what a wonderful father he was, was the one who delivered the lecture was just laughable. Note to GH, if you are going to have a character deliver a dressing down, try to pick one with an ounce of moral authority.

AND THEN, we have Robin agreeing with Liz's rant!!! Who just hours ago was all teary and wishing Patrick happiness and thanking him for his honesty! WHAT THE HAY-UL??

Sorry, I know I went way off topic, but I have been fuming all day. I think we need to restore "hotly" to Patrick just for sitting through that display without throwing Liz through a window.

This is just fricken funny.

Another person hijacking the thread to bitch about Liz's speech today. So because there are people who want to be fathers but can't [because they're MURDERERS], Patrick HAS to? Really? So by that logic, every woman on the planet should pop out a kid whether she wants to or not because there are women who want children but can't have them? Oh-kay.

GH needs to realize that woman are not silly creatures, and are their only for men to tell them what to do, Emily dead and she laughing, she must have smoke something up there, or maybe she's a angel, por favor if he can really see her, girl tell him who kill you so we can on with the story, he's a prince, he needs someone new.

Back again. Add me to the list of people who were just shocked and fuming mad about Liz's rant to Patrick today. Holy crap I wanted to smack her and I didn't know what was worse-Liz saying it or Robin agreeing with it.

I look forward to your post about that one, Becca.

Further hijacking, sorry: Kat, Robin's response was surprising; I thought for sure she'd sober right up, feel extremely embarrassed, and shush Liz. The whole thing was so completely out of character for everyone. But just when I think I can't bear it any longer, I look at this:

"I had: . . . a ton of mascara and lipgloss."

and this:

"Seeing a newspaper headline, announcing my brutal slaughter at the hands of an unknown killer? Uproarious!"

And I smile.

I've been watching GH for a year now (I blame you, Becca), and I've hated Emily since the very first scene I saw. She's always so damn smiley! Whether she's happy, sad, sympathetic...always that smile.

Oh, and let me agree with everyone else on Liz's speech. Nothing says "children are precious" like pressuring someone who's unsure about wanting to be a parent into having a child of their own.

Didn't Liz support Lulu's decision to have an abortion, anyway? Doesn't that make her attitudes just a tad inconsistent? Oh hell, I know that's the least bit of inconsistent characterization on this show.

Becca, once again we're of one mind. As are a lot of other people. Which should really be telling that powers that be something.

OMG, zara, I just clicked on your site -- creepy same-wavelengthiness. Although I guess I shouldn't be surprised; is there anyone who's watching this thinking it's romantic and beautiful? It's not even bad/fun enough to be campy.

I hate this show.

I just wanted to join in the swell of voices to cheer you on to the post regarding Liz's rant, and Robin's acquiescence to the rant. I'm sure it was only because they were drunk and stupid at the time.

What I am going to miss most when Fronsi and company finally succeed in their mission to kill the soap genre will be reading through all of these hilarious commentaries on what these poor shows have actually become.

I am not one who has been all that impressed by the 'Leyla' character but I DID think that, today, she summed up, in only ONE scene - exactly WHAT this show has come to. I do believe that credit for 'line of the day' really DOES belong to Leyla!

Of course, I have ALREADY been through ONE show where it eventually turned out that nearly EVERYONE in town was dead. How they did it all was that the dead people kept coming back as 'vampires.' The name of the show was Port Charles. It was cancelled in 2003 after only three years of this kind of mind-numbing story-telling. All I could think of when I discovered that we are going to have to put up with Emily flitting around with ONLY Nikolas to talk to for a long-term story about being dead was 'Here we go again!' What was REALLY weird about Port Charles was that, eventually, the ONLY people who were getting to romp around in the bedroom were the DEAD people! Everyone else who was 'alive' sat uncollected on the shelf for - like - forever. Of course, when you look at the Opening Credits for GH - you ARE aware, I am sure - that MOST of those hunks in that opening shot are NOW dead! So maybe GH IS becoming a show where EVERYONE is dead and the ONLY way to 'get a life,' so to speak, will be by becoming dead. Or UNdead - as the case may be.

Aside from that, while you are still fuming over Elizabeth's 'daring' speech to Patrick today - Let me point out one tiny little FACT that has seemed to stick out like a sore thumb ever since TIIC came up with the 'Robin and Baby Rabies' story line. The name of the foundation which was established in Stone's memory is the PEDIATRIC AIDS FOUNDATION. It just seems to me that IF TIIC were the least little bit sincere about even ONE of the 'social issues' which TIIC pretend - from time to time - to be supporting - the EASIEST social issue to support would be for the need for children who are suffering from AIDS - and perhaps have even lost one or both of their parents to AIDS already - to be ADOPTED! IF Robin is so darned anxious to become a mother WHY wouldn't it be a BETTER story if Robin had suddenly decided that she wanted to ADOPT a child with AIDS who was being cared for in General Hospital's very own STONE CATES PEDIATRIC WING?

According to news reports which I have seen - one of the saddest aspects of the way in which this disease has progressed in countries like Africa is that there are now ENTIRE VILLAGES which are made up primarily of ORPHANS whose parents have ALREADY died from AIDS. Many of the kids have AIDS themselves.

I am guessing that NONE of THOSE people can see anything ROMANTIC about being dead! JUST for starters!

Sincerely, Deborah

I hate Guza and his talentless hack cruel stupid writing with a white hot passion. But if anything he has ever written has even a molecule of truth to it....I hope it's the death shit. SERIOUSLY.

1. Alan is as funny as ever and seemingly undisturbed by his passing. Plus he gets to wear a comfy track suit instead of suits and ties. And if I had to choose one Q to communicate with from beyond I would pick Tracy too, she kicks ass!

2. Emily is down right giddy and nearly magical in her ability to have regular ghost/ fiancee nookie and appear whenever and wherever she likes feeling fantastic. Nothing gets her down anymore. Death is better than Prozac for her.

If Guza is actually onto something here...death is not be be feared. He makes it look like fun!


And the whole Leyla, GNO, Patrick, Liz, and Robin insanity is horrid beyond words. No way in hell should Guza be allowed to write an HIV pregnancy story for Robin. No matter how much we all want it for us and the characters etc... He has more than proved he is incapable of handling anything that important, groundbreaking, complex, loving, and dramatic.

I remember when I used to complain about TIIC not remembering the history of GH and it's character's. I HATE how eveything is rewritten or ignored entirely. 20 years, 15 years, 10 years, 5 years ago all seem like ancient pre historical times to TIIC of GH.

BUT NOW IT IS WORSE. These Guza driven fools can't even remember what they wrote last year, last month or even last week!!!!

1. Robin knows Patrick isn't interested at all in a family now, or maybe ever...she tells him and herself this regularly.

2. A few weeks ago Patrick opened up a bit about why he doesn't want kids and Liz supported him. Her rant today due to her problems with Jason made me ill. Like I needed another reason not to like her.

3. Leyla as the victim in a love triangle with Scrubs? Are they freebasing heroine at GH now? That snotty marble mouthed whiney needy annoyance persued a man in a loving and committed relationship for many months infront of the whole damn hospital! Patrick was too afraid to tell Robin why he is so afraid of marraige and kids so he let Leyla "stroke" his ego and hoooked up with her minutes after breaking up with the one and only love of his damn life...ROBIN!

Now Leyla is the betrayed one in this mess? No fucking way!!!! And Robin has apologized to her like three times now and it makes me insane to witness that. Leyla is a homewrecking two faced bitch. Her sob story and TIIC need to throw it down our throats daily infuriates me. Plus it makes zero sense!!

4. Who are the doctors and who are the nurses GH? If I have to witness one more of the dozens of scenes where Robin is belittled professionally by Patrick or even worse by lethal new nurse Leyla I will send my televisions to Guza COD! She should be inserting IV's and bathing patients not deciding on treatments. UCHHHHHHHHH this damn show sucks monkey balls.

Liz's rant was offensive and inappropriate. The things she said might have been powerful and gutwrenching if they had come from Robin to Patrick PRIVATELY in a discussion about why he is so determined to become Hugh Hefner. Scrubs has never come close to addressing the reality of why he has become such an ass. Or more importantly why he is terified of having kids, especially with Robin due to his past. He used to say she let her past and HIV control and limit her life. POT MEET BLACK KETTLE DUDE! Your fear of becoming your Dad to Robin becoming your Mom is ruining the best thing that has ever happened to your life and your heart.

And don't get me started on the spoilers and what will likely become of a Scrubs pregnancy in a few short months. Reading them makes me want to gauge my eyes out. Involving Leyla, Jax, and Carly and a possible swap???? FIRE GUZA NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!Guza is not capable, Scrubs are not ready, and this amazing story for these two characters is going to be ruined and continued to be made a joke and a soap ploy for bogus drama.

I wish all my fav characters would die on GH so they could be giddy and unaware of their ruination by Guza. The show will be all Jason, Sonny, Carly, Johnny, Lulu, Leyla, and Epiphabitch. Everyone else will be ghosts running around town eating at Kelly's and having sex blissfully not concerned with their being dead.

This show is literally hurting me.

Ooh, you have to include a screencap gallery of Liz bitchface versus Cameron bitchface in the post about Liz's insulting and absurd "You don't even have anyone trying to kill you [so you should, of course, WANT to parent a child]". Please.

And on topic: Is the black eyeliner supposed to make Emily less of a chipper ghost? Not working.

Long, long, ago, when I was young and silly, I sometimes watched General Hospital. I no longer do that, but I always look forward to seeing commentary from you here. This way, I get to learn all about "Emily Q: Dead and Loving It" without actually being exposed to the show's misogyny, moral inversion, and worst of all Steve Burton's recent hairdo. Thank you, always, for this blog!

I heard that Guza said he was writing one of the most romantic stories ever for Nicholas and Emily. But my reaction to what I saw on screen was IIIICK!!! Nick cannot walk around now without this "thing" attached to him and I mean attached. She's always got her hands on him. It gave me the willies so much that it made me think of a sci fi story where a creature from another world comes to earth, disguises itself as a man's old girlfriend and then sucks the blood out of him . You know, like a giant mosquito.

As for the Robin-Patrick story. My main problem over the last few days has been the attempt to take what could have been an epic love story and make it pedestrian and commonplace. In February, Patrick was willing to risk his life to save Robin and later said he loved her "beyond reason." Robin's only thought as she lay dying was that he be taken care of. Now they argue like children in a bar.

The nurse, over the course of a few weeks, gets a repeat of the entire Robin-Patrick arc. Who am I speaking of right now? She got involved even though she knew he was a playboy. But he was "gorgeous" and funny and the sex, whoa boy. But then she got invested and he dumped her. The only difference between the two stories: the nurse tried to save him in the latest "crisis" while he tried to save Robin in the hostage crisis.

What happened to the great love between these two. He had a change of heart last week that lasted for what? two hours? And when did the death of a friend and the almost death of an anonymous bride teach you to give up on the love of your life to have a baby rather than hold on to that love for dear life?

My head hurts.

let's look on the bright side...for a dead person her hair looks fabulous!!!

I find an incredible amount of creepiness-by-omission in the fact that DeadEmily hasn't referred once so far to any of her loved ones, apart from Nikolas, let alone expressing concern for their grief. It's quite a disconnect that the daughter who stood by Monica so staunchly when Alan died (the sole storyline, by the way, in which I ever detected any acting ability in Natalia Livingston; I had to admit, grudgingly, that she was decent in the illness, death, pre- and post-funeral scenes) would forget her now. Or Edward, for that matter, Elizabeth, Ned (back in the Amber's day, Emily and Ned had quite a bond), etc. Oh, okay, and Jason.

Which firms up for me the belief that she's either a figment of Nikolas' imagination, in which case he's an incredibly self-involved and callous guy (otherwise, DeadEmily'd be inquiring after her family) or she's a demon.

Of course, the fact that I'm even speculating about this wretchedly ignorant storyline would seem to indicate there's something wrong with me, too.

Becca, Love your column as usual.

I agree with you I even wonder how come she is not piss at being death, I would!

I would appreciate the bashing Liz posters to refrain in a place where we don’t talk about Liz.

The hate is out of proportion with what happened and frankly I’m fed up with the bashing! I had to cut and chose where I go on the net, because I cannot take the insipid bashing of all the characters on GH!

I love coming here and read a witty, well arguments column. I can do without the out of topic comments! JMO!

Hey, call me shallow, but at least she isnt 'umming' or nervous twittering all the time and another good thing .. she no longer has that awful French manicure..

My fiance's aunt expressing serious concern about his mental health and well-being? Hee!

Trufax, I sat here for a minute trying to figure out who the hell his aunt was. I kept thinking 'Laura didn't have a sister. At least not one that the show acknowledges anymore'. This show has made me forget Alexis! The show runners should burn in hell just for that.

Becca - this site is making my week... no month!
Thank you!

I love the screen caps of Em (dead Emily... Demmie?. You and Clarissa have picked the perfect shots to show how insane this nonsense has become.

I can't figure it out. GH was (ok, I'll admit a long, long time ago)a great show. They kill any chance to use cool and sexy spies, they rewrite or totally ignore character history on whim (Don't get me started on Jerry and Bobbie), and they leave really talented actors on the backburner while bringing in loads of semi-talented (or less) newbies.


The whole "Lost Potential" concept is killing me.

I think though that I may have the answer.

Every once in a while Awesome Writer breaks out of the basement and gives real writing and plot to the show. Just when we get our hopes up and think that some characters might actually remember their family, lost loves, or have some sense of self awareness - it's gone.

It's almost... evil.

I think that there must have been two very talented twins, separated at birth. One gave us years of exciting sexy writing with Robert, Luke, et all. Then in a weak moment he took in his mentally unstable long-lost twin for the weekend and woke the following Monday to find he was locked in a basement with only a cot and space heater for company.

His evil twin took over his life, his home, and his job.

Now millions of viewers are looking at his brother and crying "Guza!, What are you doing?".

If only AW could get a message to the police...


Free AW! Let Guza have the space heater for a while!

You're just spot on about the Emily crap. I'm already fully committed to just keeping my finger on the FF button through it.

I look very much forward to your comments on the whole Lizzie rant thing. Feel free to rip into the whole Leyla mess as well. I'm completely certain that both will be highly entertaining. Far more so, then this actual piece of shit show.

Alice, I had never thought about this, but it's so true.
"The nurse, over the course of a few weeks, gets a repeat of the entire Robin-Patrick arc. Who am I speaking of right now? She got involved even though she knew he was a playboy. But he was "gorgeous" and funny and the sex, whoa boy. But then she got invested and he dumped her. The only difference between the two stories: the nurse tried to save him in the latest "crisis" while he tried to save Robin in the hostage crisis."

Anyway, I say, yeah, Nik and DeadEmily zombie-living happily ever after death is a stretch, but any one of these damn couples are a stretch.

The writing is crap and inconsistent and the lack of proper accountabilty and arbitrary plot point whitewashing leaves everything tainted and sincerely compromises enjoyment. hatred and frustration is fast turning into apathy.

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