Serial Drama

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007

As 2007 draws to a close, we are partaking in our favorite year-end rituals, which include watching endless marathons of Law & Order, Project Runway, and I Love The [Insert Decade Here]s, making resolutions that we're obviously going to forget by Presidents' Day (Becca hopes to control both her Irish temper and household clutter, and Mallory plans to drink more water), and, naturally, looking back at the past year with a critical eye.

Since we love lists and we love bitchery, we're pleased to present you with a merger of those two loves, in the form of Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007.

Happy Holi-Days

It's possible nostalgia is making me overly generous, and it's also possible that General Hospital's horrific "Christmas" episode would make anything seem brilliant by comparison, but still:  Days of Our Lives gives good holiday, right?

The Christmas episodes, much like most Days episodes these days, were totally enjoyable.  Highlights:

* The Horton tree-trimming! I love those hokey little ornaments so darned much.   (They even make me say "darned."  See?)

* Alice!

(For GH watchers, let me help:  This is a rare species, known as Veteran Actor, genus Respected and Treated Well by Executives.  Don't be scared -- despite what GH has taught you, these people aren't here to hurt you, and they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Well, Veteran Actors on GH are actually more afraid of executives than anything else, but I'm getting off-topic.)

* Tony's great speech to EJ about how he should treat Sami and how Stefano is a big fat jerk

"Why do you give him credit for barely meeting the minimum requirements for parenthood?"  It's because of moments like this that I think Tony deserves the uber-awesome Anna.

* Hope in two adorable dresses, celebrating not only Christmas but her birthday and anniversary to boot

Plus, Hope and Bo being all supercoupley and adorable,

including Bo carrying around his own mistletoe like the lovable doofus he is.  (Yeah, the fleur-de-lis necklace gift from Bo to Hope was just an excuse to pimp Kristian Alfonso's jewelry line, but I like her, so . . . pimp.)

* Phillip being all flirty with Chloe and her cleavage, and then being shirtless.  Merry Christmas to straight women and gay men viewers everywhere!  (Actually, straight men and gay women got Chloe and her cleavage, so....happy holidays to everyone!)

An AMC Grab Bag

The mood at Serial Drama is somber. So somber, even, that not even the prospect of a gingerbread latte is making us perk up. You might see us wearing black armbands for the next few days, so distraught are we.

Becca has always said that by dating Fergie, Josh Duhamel is ruining Christmas. And Valentine's Day. And Memorial Day. And Arbor Day. And how he's ruined Christmas forever (or for, like, two to three years, depending on what you wager in the divorce pool).

I feel like Michael Bluth, because I just keep asking "...her?" I don't get it on a purely aesthetic level, and the fact that she inflicted "Big Girls Don't Cry" upon the world just adds insult to injury. And before someone accuses me of being just jealous...yes, that is exactly it, quite frankly.

As much as I love Greenlee and Leo together, I am not one of those creepy people who insists that the actors playing characters need to shack up in real life because their love is so pure and true or whatever, but I do find it perplexing that Rebecca Budig and Josh Duhamel have made such disappointing choices in spouses. Fergie and Bachelor Bob? Um, ew.

Just in case you were wondering, ABC Daytime is still shitty. Not content to keep their bitchery confined to the interwebs, they've taken it to the television airwaves. Running a commercial trumpeting the return of the REAL Greenlee while Sabine Singh's episodes are still airing? Pure class, ABC. Pure class.

Lastly, Soap Opera Digest recently ran the world's cruelest letter to the editor, wherein a reader commented that Billy "Oh Richie, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" Miller bares a resemblance to Spencer "Prat" Pratt from The Hills, of "My answer is get out of my car" fame, who dedicated readers might recognize as my least favorite person in the continental United States. I was just appalled by the comparison, and am offended on behalf of Billy Miller. Hell, I am offended on behalf of Richie Novak. He's an obvious sociopath with violent tendencies, but at least he's hilarious and filled with Lavery hatred.

more at twiigs.com...

GH Couple of Weeks in Review: The Suckage is Legendary

So, most of the week before this last one on General Hospital sucked, but mostly the usual level of suck, not, like, TURBO level suck.  Luke had his stupid effing "funny" coma-dreams about "hell" that made me weep for what this show once was.  But that happens a lot.  Twinkly music tried to convince me that Luke being almost dead was hilarious.  Fuck off, twinkly music. 

And then Sonny started talking about another goddamned mob war and since I lost count as to which one this is I just decided it's Mob War Infinity.  And then I thought that would be hilarious if Sonny, all superhero style, put his hands on his hips and just yelled "Mob. War.  Infinityyyyyyyyy!"  I wouldn't even need twinkly music, GH, I promise, I would totally laugh at that. 

(Now I'm on this superhero tip and I'm envisioning Sonny and Jason with matching pinky rings, all "Wonder twin powers, activate!"  Um, it's possible I shouldn't be drinking and blogging.  But it's the holidays!)

Plus Sam asked Lucky to move in together after they'd been dating for 17 seconds and that pretty much guarantees that they're going to break up and I'm going to be denied the combined prettiness of Kelly Monaco and Greg Vaughn.

Suck.  Non-turbo suck, but made of suck nonetheless.

THEN THOSE MOTHEREFFERS KILLED GEORGIE JONES.

The suckage is truly reaching legendary levels.

Is Crazy Contagious?

First the epic crazy of Robin's Daily Dose, now a loony fan campaign to bring back a dead GH character:

This is actually pretty simple. We want to flood TPTB and actors mailboxes at GH with Kleenex boxes, yes Kleenex boxes.. And we want to flood the mailrooms at GH and ABC with Kleenex boxes symbolizing our grief and  sadness over the death of the beloved  Emily

I think my reaction can be summed up eloquently as:  "Um...?" 

We witnessed her survive cancer, a multitude of murder attempts, rape, divorce, and finally her death. 

I was going to make fun of the grammar in this sentence, but then I realized that Guza actually did have Emily "survive" her death.  The writers of this show are making me AGREE WITH CRAZY PEOPLE. 

I also enjoy that they feel it is necessary to provide photographic evidence of what Kleenex looks like, and step-by-step instructions that include:

Go to the post office and mail them

I predict big things* for this campaign. 

* "big things" = those associated with restraining orders and padded rooms

The People In the Little Box Aren't Real

So, remember a while back when Mallory nearly died of embarrassment after reading Dr. Robin Scorpio's blog?  That was the first time I'd ever visited that particular corner of internet hell.  Like Mal, I am firmly opposed to having to go online to figure out what I would be watching onscreen if the writers of the actual show gave a crap about a particular character.  But after Georgie's senseless death (BTW, Mallory's take on it was brilliant and hilarious, but I'm still in the expletive-laden-rant phase, so:  Those motherEFFERS effing killed another effing legacy kid for no effing purpose other than to satisfy that mothereffer Guza's effing misogynistic bloodlust and I swear this show is to soap operas what Lynne Spears is to parenting.), I was curious as to how Robin's blog might address this terrible loss.  Robin's screentime after the death seemed somewhat limited, and I was distracted by her hideously styled hair, so I needed some additional emotional bang for my soap opera dollar.

Well, what I discovered is truly, truly disturbing, my online friends:  People respond to "Robin"'s posts with advice about her life and reaction to what "she" has written!  !!!!!  As if she is a real person!  !!!!!  They give her heartfelt guidance and write things like that they are praying for her.  !!!!!  I...just...who does that?! 

A Christmas Carol

Bob Guza chews his pencil earnestly and sits behind his large mahogany desk, deep in thought.

"I wonder," he asks aloud, "What the best way to end this scene would be? Should I have Jason say 'I'll take care of it' before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face, or should I have Sonny say 'Jason, I know you'll take care of it', before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face? There's such a subtle distinction between the two, I don't know which would be more powerful".

He stares up at a large, framed photo of Steve Burton for guidance. Studying it intently for a moment, he eventually beams and says, "Steve, I KNEW you'd know what to do! You're so right, it makes sense for Sonny to say the line, because it shows how important Jason is to Sonny and, ergo, ipso facto, the whole show."

Thrilled with a job well done, he excitedly types out the final line of his scene and starts to pack his belongings before he hears a strange noise from under his desk.

"Hello? Is someone there? Is it...did Christmas come early and bring Kelly Monaco under my desk? Heh. Heh. Heheh."

A regal looking woman steps gingerly out from under Guza's desk and imperiously says, "No, you pervert. It's me."

A wave of recognition passes over Guza's face and he groans, "Oh, god, it's you. The ghost of Glory Montana or whatever your name is. Can't you just leave me alone and haunt me when I'm not at work? This is embarrassing".

She rolls her eyes and gestures for someone else to come out from under the desk. A friendly looking man appears and glares at Guza, who reciprocates with a confused stare. "Am I supposed to know you?"

The man, far too politely, extends a hand and says "I'm--or, rather, I was--Doug Marland".

Guza continues to stare blankly.

"I wrote for As the World Turns and Guiding Light, and GH. I actually created the Quartermaines".

Guza shudders. "Ugh, that was you".

He starts to continue, but is interrupted by another person entering the room, this time through his door.

"Bob," the ghost of Gloria Monty says coldly, "I believe you've met Claire Labine".

"You're dead?" he asks.

"No, I only wish I was after seeing what you did to my show," she answers ruefully.

Guza clears his throat. "Um, anyway, I was just getting ready to go--"

Gloria Monty's ghost stares at him and says, "Don't you even want to know why we're here?"

"Not...not really, no".

"We're concerned, Guza," Doug Marland's ghost chimes in. "What you've been doing on the show lately is a bit beyond the pale."

"Doing?" Guza repeats lamely.

"Killing Alan. Killing Emily. And now killing Georgie. It's like you're ruining everything that viewers have come to love about the show".

"Oh, please. I haven't ruined Jason."

The two ghosts and Claire Labine exchange glances. "This," Gloria Monty's ghost says, "is going to be harder than I thought".

"Are you familiar with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?" Claire Labine asks.

"No, I don't listen to country music".

The American Bitchass Company

ABC Daytime is truly, truly shitty.

I know this. I have known this for quite some time. I'm sure that Julia Barr, Stuart Damon, Genie Francis and Cady McClain shout it from the rooftops whenever they get the chance.

And yet they do things that make me  (and the awesome folks at Daytime Confidential) realize that they have not even scratched the surface of vileness.

Here's the thing (and I know I've said this so many times that I am coming across as a stalker): I adore Rebecca Budig. I think she's the cutest ever and she's so pocket-sized and funny and hilarious and she seems like she'd be fab to go have mimosas with before a long afternoon of handbag shopping. I'm thrilled that she's coming back to AMC because I loved her in the role of Greenlee for years (fact: I was a huge Greenlee/Leo 'shipper and I am proud to admit it!). I'd go so far as to say that she is the definitive Greenlee.

However, I'm not the webpage of a major television broadcasting company, so I'm allowed to say that. If I were the webpage of a major television broadcasting company, I'd try to announce her return to AMC a little more tactfully than what ABC Daytime did:

The "REAL" Greenlee? Just...wow. Way to crap all over the woman currently onscreen as Greenlee. What, it's not bad enough to saddle her with the most godawful story this side of Zarf and poisoned pancakes, you have to add this further humilation? That's just horribly bitchy. And rude! I'm a completely bratty bitch most of the time, but I am very strict about manners.

[For those of you who try to stay away from spoilers, the actual Q&A Rebecca did with ABC is slightly spoilerish. And the spoilers are slightly maddening. Which is par for the course...]

There's an alleged friend of Sabine Singh who made a post detailing the ways that ABC completely dicked Sabine over. I don't know how valid it is, but if it's true, it really makes me sad. It also makes me sad that I linked to OhNoTheyDidn't. Please don't judge me too harshly. I really hope she comes away from this with another daytime job in a role more suited for her and less linked to another actress. She's way too pretty to be without a job for too long!

Rebecca Budig's first airdate is January 16th. I can only hope that her adorability inspires the powers-that-be to stop...doing what they've been doing for the past few years. I know I'm expecting a miracle, but 'tis the season and all.

This Logic Is More Twisty Than a Pretzel

It goes without saying that there is no point in expecting General Hospital to make sense. There's no room for "reason" or "logic" or "coherent sentences" on this show. Which is fine, I guess--some shows just aren't meant to have deep narratives or intricate plots, and that's fine. The Hills is totally awesome despite the most complex storyline being the Lauren/Heidi/Spencer feud. I just wish that the GH brass would realize that and aim a little lower, rather than trying to spin these elaborate mysteries or involved, gimmicky storylines. Know your strengths, GH!

The saga of the Text Message Killer is the latest in a long string of attempted whodunits on GH that make me insane with anger. One of the many problems with this story is that none of the writers know how to create a mystery. The proper way to craft a story is not:

Present a suspect who we know isn't a killer-->present another suspect who we know isn't a killer--> present another suspect who we know isn't a killer-->have characters extol the virtues of the mafia-->clear suspect #1-->clear suspect #2-->clear suspect #3-->have random backburner character start acting shady-->random backburner character is outed as the killer

(The other problem with this story is that the writers and producers of this show are so hack-ish and short-sighted that they have the nerve to kill off Emily Bowen Quartermaine and Georgie Jones for a cheap sweeps gimmick but that is a rant for another day. A rant that will come, dear readers, filled with numerous expletives. Stay tuned!)

These people are just terrible at their jobs.

The signs are all pointing to Coop being the Text Message Killer, which is just terrible on numerous levels. You have a gorgeous actor who, okay, isn't so much with the talented, but he's not glaringly awful (most of the time) and he at least puts more effort into a scene than Maurice Benard and Steve Burton do. You introduce him in an eye-catching way and then you throw him into a romance with a newly redeemed, fun character and the pairing takes off. In what world is the next step to put him on the air only sporadically and then turn him into a killer?

I know we don't know for certain that Coop is the killer, but Jason is suspicious of him and we all know what that means. I am completely amused by the evidence they are presenting to make this anti-Coop case...

Fun With Search Terms

In an effort to distract myself from how bad Y&R is right now*, I turned to Google for amusement. I'm always far too amused by the random search terms that lead people to Serial Drama. I don't know if they are actually funny or if I just have very low humor standards, but I really get a kick out of them. However, I felt it necessary that I do a public service announcement in response to a search that sent someone here today:

Who was the Ashley that played on the Young and Restless that has a sex change?

Poor Eileen Davidson. Like her life isn't hard enough! She got shitcanned from Y&R for no good reason and even though she rebounded with a gig on B&B, she found herself in a story crossed between Ronn Moss and his decadently 80s scarf/mullet combo and Kyle Lowder's fivehead (sixhead?). She has horrible fashion sense and, despite playing like forty six different characters on Days of Our Lives, she still lost the Daytime Emmy that time to Cynthia Watros. All of this, and she still can't seem to shake the persistent rumor that she was once a dude. Tragic!

Dear readers, let's put the rumor to rest: Eileen Davidson is not a man. I repeat: not a man. Snopes backs me up on this one. I'm far more intrigued by another Ashley Abbott mystery: what species is Shari Shattuck? There's no way that she is human. Remember how horrible she was at emoting, speaking, and even standing? I apologize in advance if you had all been trying to repress her memory.

That is the end of today's public service announcement. Tomorrow: a lecture on Stranger Danger!

*Seriously, what the hell? Why does Jeff want to marry Gloria? If he wants her money, can't he just blackmail her? It would require less macking on her and also prevent the risk of being suffocated by one of her ugly feather and bead adorned coats. And did I really watch JT have a meltdown over manicotti? I hate so much about the way this show chooses to be.