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« Fun With Search Terms | Main | The American Bitchass Company »

December 14, 2007

This Logic Is More Twisty Than a Pretzel

It goes without saying that there is no point in expecting General Hospital to make sense. There's no room for "reason" or "logic" or "coherent sentences" on this show. Which is fine, I guess--some shows just aren't meant to have deep narratives or intricate plots, and that's fine. The Hills is totally awesome despite the most complex storyline being the Lauren/Heidi/Spencer feud. I just wish that the GH brass would realize that and aim a little lower, rather than trying to spin these elaborate mysteries or involved, gimmicky storylines. Know your strengths, GH!

The saga of the Text Message Killer is the latest in a long string of attempted whodunits on GH that make me insane with anger. One of the many problems with this story is that none of the writers know how to create a mystery. The proper way to craft a story is not:

Present a suspect who we know isn't a killer-->present another suspect who we know isn't a killer--> present another suspect who we know isn't a killer-->have characters extol the virtues of the mafia-->clear suspect #1-->clear suspect #2-->clear suspect #3-->have random backburner character start acting shady-->random backburner character is outed as the killer

(The other problem with this story is that the writers and producers of this show are so hack-ish and short-sighted that they have the nerve to kill off Emily Bowen Quartermaine and Georgie Jones for a cheap sweeps gimmick but that is a rant for another day. A rant that will come, dear readers, filled with numerous expletives. Stay tuned!)

These people are just terrible at their jobs.

The signs are all pointing to Coop being the Text Message Killer, which is just terrible on numerous levels. You have a gorgeous actor who, okay, isn't so much with the talented, but he's not glaringly awful (most of the time) and he at least puts more effort into a scene than Maurice Benard and Steve Burton do. You introduce him in an eye-catching way and then you throw him into a romance with a newly redeemed, fun character and the pairing takes off. In what world is the next step to put him on the air only sporadically and then turn him into a killer?

I know we don't know for certain that Coop is the killer, but Jason is suspicious of him and we all know what that means. I am completely amused by the evidence they are presenting to make this anti-Coop case...


Coop: That's too bad. Well, we'll have to go climbing in the spring.

Spinelli: You know, I've never understood how -- you know, how anyone would enjoy dangling off the side of a mountain secured solely by a, you know, cable that could snap at any time.

Coop: Well, those cords are stronger than they look. You'd be surprised at how well they work.

There's ham-fisted and then there's that. The only way for that to be more bizarre and WTFy is if Coop had said "I used to feel the same way as you, Spinelli. I was in this sporting goods store once and the salesgirl was like 'These cords are incredibly strong', so I strangled her with one, just to see if she was right. And she died in, like, thirty seconds. She really knew her stuff".


Since Port Charles is a hotbed of moral turpentine, it's obvious that, in order to make mobsters seem to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice, professions usually regarded as heroic and good need to be presented as evil. Like, the cops in this town are totally awful and also dumb. And the only thing worse than a police officer is a soldier who dedicates his life to his country. And if the soldier is a good soldier? Honey, please, that's worse than being Joel Rifkin.

Logan: Well, you know, Coop's a decent guy -- even better soldier. You know, the type of guy you want next to you in a firefight -- strong, fearless. Once Coop got started, there was -- there was no stopping him till the job was done.

Georgie: Are you saying that Coop was good at killing people?

No, you dimwit, he was saying Coop is a good soldier.


Georgie: Hi, hi. I need you to help me find out everything you can on -- come here -- on Coop starting with his military record. I was talking to Logan today and apparently, Coop is not such a great soldier. Um -- he was borderline obsessive with his missions in Iraq, which goes way beyond dedication. So there's got to be something in that file that can convince Maxie that he's not the person she thinks he is.

Are my listening comprehension skills not up to snuff or something? I thought Logan told her, verbatim, that Coop WAS a great soldier and then she's all "He's not such a great soldier". Also, why, in this instance, is being a determined killing machine bad? Is it because it's sanctioned by the government? If Jason was taking orders from the government, and not a mobster, would he, too, be evil?

Spinelli: I'm -- there it is. Um -- wow, huh -- the not-so-clean cadet's full service records and discharge papers and, well, for once, it looks like the unworthy one was speaking the truth. Ok, look. Um -- Sgt. Barrett was awarded many commendations for his service in Iraq. He was trained in special forces and then assigned to an elite unit, where it looks like he had many missions to practice on.

Georgie: Wow, well, that explains how -- how he was able to kill -- or at least try to kill -- four women without getting caught. Now all we have to do is prove it's him.


Being so good at something that you receive awards for it is a sign that you're a sadistic criminal. I was on the dean's list every semester of college--is this why I was recently arrested for tax fraud?

These words make sense on their own and yet strung into sentences, they make absolutely zero sense to me. "He was a decorated soldier! KILL THE EVIL BASTARD!" How on earth did Georgie not get motion sickness from jumping to conclusions so fast?


Georgie: Cooper Barrett. He was the first guy Carly suspected in Leticia’s murder, and her instincts may have been right.

Yeah, when I'm going around trusting people, I often pick the person who married Sonny Corinthos multiple times and dresses like she hangs out with hookers down by the docks. I'd take her advice over that of someone who drives by schools in a white van, but only just.

My only question is why they keep referring to the Text Message Killer as being average height. Because...seriously?


If that's average height, what the hell is Sonny? A weeble?

I don't know why I'm surprised and I'm sort of ashamed of myself for even complaining about this, because I can clearly see Bob Guza all "So then we're going have this TOTALLY RAD MURDER MYSTERY and it's going to be hella cool and there's going to be strangulation and a ghost and then Jason's going to catch the killer and kill him and it's going to RULE. Oh, dang, this means I need to find someone to be the killer. Hey, what about that guy Coop? Who'd miss him? Yeah, I can see him killing people. This is going to rule so hard!"

This effing show.


Mallory you nailed it exactly!

And kudos to Guza & The Gang for essentially destroying what little is left of the once great Jones/Scorpio gang.

When the reign of Guza Terror is finally over I'm left to wonder if there will be anything or anyone, left to salvage...

Yeah, it's all ridiculous isn't it? And it has to be complained about otherwise we'd all go insane. I was trying to come up with another murder mystery they've pulled off with any kind of style, or sense, but I can't come up with one, and I'm still waiting for a motive on this one no matter who the killer turns out to be.

Plus, hee! on the weeble!

Yeah, I have been totally snickering at Coop looking in the windows at Kelly's and glaring. It is so lame and it bothers me that Georgies suspicions of him started because she saw him text messaging. This led to Maxie shooting her down with logic and saying that everyone text messages these days, and that just pain bothers me that I have to agree with Maxie.

I am still holding out hope that the killer could be someone surprising like Logan. His being in Iraq at the same time the woman was murdered makes him a suspect, and I would be totally shocked, but rivited, if he turned out to be the killer. How boring it will be when Coop turns out to be the killer and he is the one we have suspected all along.

I dunno, if they are going to continue to assasinate Logan's character on the alter of Johnny and Lulu, I say let him go out with a bang. Otherwise he is just being a clingy jerk who seems to expect automatic forgiveness from Lulu.

And hey, is anyone else afraid that GH is going to pull something a la Salem Serial Killer storyline? They are just killing off a lot of characters who are fan favorites, I cannot see this ending well.

"If that's average height, what the hell is Sonny? A weeble?"

That seriously had me laughing for about five minutes straight. My roommate was looking at me a little weird....

Once again, this blog is vastly more entertaining than the actually show.

Sonny is a mooble.

Please bring on the rant over the killings of Emily and Georgie. I can sort of stand Emily's demise because NL was going to leave the show, but FIRING Lindze Letherman.... 12 kinds of infuriating. All I can think is that Guza can't tax his two brain cells trying to think up storylines for TWO young heroines (if Lulu can be called that by any stretch of the imagination).

And yes, this "mystery" bites. The fact that they are trying to make Georgie stupid before having her strangled to death just adds to my rage.

So bring on the rant. If it could include the inference that Guza has an inappropriate relationship with this mother, I'd consider it a personal favor.

I totally look forward to your expletive-filled rant about how totally and utterly wrong it was for them to kill Georgie and Emily off...especially Georgie of whom I am rather fond.

And you're right about this story. Just ludicrously bad on every level. You would think that any writer worth their salt would change their MO from time to time so that their audience doesn't die from the tedium of the same fricken storyline all the time, but GH's writers just have absolutely no learning curve. They make the same mistakes over and over and over again. It's like watching Groundhog Day...except far less entertaining than the movie, because you realize you're Bill Murray, but you can't do a fracking thing to change anything.

Okay. When I scanned over the Good Soldier = Murderer!! posts on TWoP, I thought people were exaggerating. OMG, they were not. I wonder what the actors think when they get scripts like this. Did Lindze Letherman keep a straight face when Georgie made her case to Spinelli? Was she able to stop her eyes from rolling? I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to.

You have summed this so-called murder mystery up perfectly. I can't add anything because you've just placed any point I could have thought of on this post. You say it so much more entertainingly, though.

I was laughing out loud for the longest time after, "...what the hell is Sonny? A weeble?"

Great Post!

And then Kat came along and stated this:

"And yes, this "mystery" bites. The fact that they are trying to make Georgie stupid before having her strangled to death just adds to my rage.

So bring on the rant. If it could include the inference that Guza has an inappropriate relationship with this mother, I'd consider it a personal favor. "


I have been wanting you all to comment on Guza's mommy issues for so long. I think there are maybe three males on the show who were jealous of their wife's love for their son? Is this a new fad? It seems to be an epidemic on GH. No wonder Guza is so frakkin goofed up with moral barometers and such.

I don't know ladies, I've had a great time watching this soap. It had plenty of intelligent characters and strong, classy ladies who gave out great dialouge and sage advice and the stories were filled with romance, humor and intrigue that didn't want to make me change the channel for once. And the men were strong and well balanced and the police didn't act like idiots.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the post for One Life To Live. My bad.

Being serious though, I can't complain about GH because I didn't even watch it but I agree about this whole storyline. It screams stupid but then it just seems to fit right in with the rest of the other storylines on the show so it's all the same to me.

And I want to read you express your rage in all of it's glory. That's going to be good.

What makes me ill is that they're apparently going to use Georgie's death as a tragedy for "Spinelli." Damn, I don't think even James Reilly would have killed off a legacy character for some dramatic scenes with a one-dimensional, secondary character.

I'm kind of wondering if it's all misdirection (hilariously unsubtle misdirection), though, since you do have Georgie greeting the person approaching her, rather than acting scared or suspicious. Of course, I wouldn't put it past the writers of the show to forget that Georgie should not be happy to see Coop walk up to her in the middle of the night.

Sonny may be a weeble and he may wobble, but he won't fall down.
I just don't understand Coop's motives for being a text message killer. Maybe the stress of playing the Matt Damon role in Sonny's version of The Departed wore thin. Or maybe he just got a terrific texting plan.

I was having such a bad day and reading your comments made my night! Thank you! "A weeble", you kill me!
How ridiculous is it that they made Coop the text message killer..."have random backburner character start acting shady-->random backburner character is outed as the killer". You wrote exactly what I was thinking! This show is insulting. I am insulted! I really hope he isn't the killer. That would be their only saving grace if that's possible.
They make the women on this show idiots. I miss the days of Brenda and Lois. When GH used to be worth watching. So much so that they put it on at night!
Another random thing is Cooper's last name, Barrett. Are we not supposed to remember Brenda BARRETT? Were they going to go somewhere with this and then just decided not to? Why do I continue to watch this show?
BTW, I really thought Kate looked cute in her beret today.

Poor Awesome Writer. He's totally holed up in his locked closet, tripping out on whatever will dull the stabbing pain in his eyeballs.

Sonny IS a weeble, hello.

Glad I'm not the only one whose jaw dropped at the leap of logic that being a good soldier = propensity for murder. WTF? Is this the GH version of Support Our Troops?

great post!

i was looking for some laughs after finishing finals week (one more semester of college left!), and you provided it for me!

i really, really, really don't understand what Coop's motive could possibly be. why would he kill Leticia? yeah she worked for Sonny, but as the nanny. and Emily? i don't even remember them sharing scenes.

honestly, serial killer storylines never seem to work for soaps, because they either need to make the culprit an important contract player in which logic would apply, or some marginal character that is expendible, leaving behind any sense or motive. Days' Salem stalker s/l was so stupid, but they at least had the sense (some) to redeem that. GH? i don't trust them to make anything right.

it's making me plain mad that they're making Coop this big bad guy. he actually was a good character and he was serving a purpose in making Maxie more bearable, which i think is necessary since she, too, is a legacy character and was destroyed in recent years.

oh, and the whole "Spinelli finally notices Georgie" thing is dumb. what am i saying? of course it's dumb b/c it's Spinelli we're talking about, the same lop-haired techy who is so far up Jason's butt to notice anything else. i really hope the spumors aren't true that the only reason Spin is noticing her is to provide "grief," because that may be a whole new level of low for the GH writers. which is saying a lot since they've gone far past low...

So, I didn’t get the news until this evening, in line at the grocery store: a headline reading "Georgie Murdered!" I was so pissed, the rant to my (long suffering) boyfriend didn't stop until after all the food was crammed into the fridge and the frozen pizza had finished cooking. I mean, I was miffed enough about the neglect and subtraction the Quartermaines have been victim to, and was really getting annoyed that Georgie never had anything to do, but COME ON. Finally, I ran to the computer, praying that Becca and Mallory would say something that would keep me from quitting this show AGAIN. The shared outrage you ladies feel soothes my wounds. I may tolerate the show for another week, after all.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe they're just getting started and will end up killing the entire cast, all of whom will end up on this mysterious island somehow connected to the Dimerras... oh, wait. Someone's done that already. Not that that'll stop Guza. You know he's just sitting in his tower, skeezing away, killing off nice girls who aren’t high maintenance enough, writing inappropriate limericks about his mommy, and singing, "yay, misogyny!" I hate that guy.

oooh oooh oooh! I cannot wait for that rant about who they show runners decided to kill. Bring it on sista!

"This effing show."

And there you have it.

How is this show still on the air? How does anyone think this makes a good story? It is not suspenseful and it is a waste of two characters, one of them an important character from an important family with ties to nearly everyone in town who should be the future of this show. (Not to mention that the likely killer is a Barrett and that was NEVER addressed. Don't even get me started on the good soldier = serial killer and hitman = moral center of the show.)

The way they 'develop' a mystery on this show makes me wonder how stupid the writers are or how stupid they think the audience is? We all knew, didn't we, that there would be consequences once Georgie was allowed to say accurately and honestly that Jason is a hitman and not a good role model? That was the day the death sentence was sealed for her. This is the price for letting Awesome Writer have someone in Port Chares speak for the audience. Guza is, in effect, doing to Georgie what he wants to do to us. "You will bend to my will or you will be gone."

I hate this show.

I'm going vacuum. At least that is supposed to suck.

Sorry, still don't think its Coop...did u see the previews for monday? Georgie knows the killer and was not afraid of whoever meets her in the park. Go figure. It seems Guza is playing lots of games....sure hope this ridiculous storyline is wrapped up soon before they kill off anymore cast...or maybe that is the plan?....kill off half the cast and let GH RIP.

Great post/rant! I'd also been wondering about "average height."
("What's Sonny - a weeble?"--haha!!!)

All signs point to Cooper so much that I can't help but think it's a red herring. But who knows: none of it makes any freaking sense. It's like the writers didn't even TRY to have the dialog about his war record make any sense whatsoever. More that makes no sense: Alexis, who's been positively bubbly lately, is described as angry and bitter. . . Maxie, practically catatonic with fear on Thursday, is her merry self on Friday. . . eh, enough. Apparently, not making any sense is the only thing that does make sense on this effing show.

Really why are we expecting ANYTHING that Guza does to make sense? I mean come on....the man thinks that if we don't see professional killers fron and center 365 days a week, we'll all leave the show and watch something that actually resembles a soap.

Personally I have been WAITING for this blog's response to Georgie's death since the second I hear it was happening. It's been like my Christmas....sad as it is to say that.....

Sonny a weeble...word to the effing word.

And yes...if Jason was taking orders from the government instead of Sonny would suddenly HE be evil? Or would the government suddenly become good?

And we must really discuss Guza's woman issues period...remember that cheestastic Dancing with the Stars rip off they wrote to showcase Kelly? Yeah that thanksless stupid role of the bad mommy was played by his WIFE!!!! HE'S MARRIED PEOPLE!!! SOMEONE MARRIED HIM!!!!!

I'm convinced more and more each day Guza and company have blackmail pictures on everyone in the cast expect those in the mob constantly.....and that's the reason why they stay.....or come back in the case of Genie and Kristina.

Andrea -- Good point, I love that Sonny tells everyone that Alexis is angry and bitter bc she was so in love with him. How deliciously middle school.

Beth R -- re: "if Jason was taking orders from the government instead of Sonny would suddenly HE be evil? Or would the government suddenly become good?" You've kind of blown my mind. This is the kind of quandry that makes the universe implode.

I hate this show! They've dropped more storylines for Coop than Britney has her underwear. First there was The Departed storyline which went nowhere with Coop playing Leonard DiCaprio and Logan playing Matt Damon, and then there was the Cody storyline that went nowhere, and now this? And why in the world did Georgie go to the park by herself when she got a text message from someone she didn't know? I hate this show. So Felicia comes back because Georgie is dead, but she couldn't return when Maxie was in the hospital or when Tony died or the myriad other times she was needed? I hate this show. And Spinelli, the spineless one finally realizes Georgie likes him which was revealed by the Great Brain Jason, and then she's killed off? I hate this show.

your my hero

"He was a decorated soldier! KILL THE EVIL BASTARD!"

Thank you for summing up their "logic" so well. I'm going to use that line when I write my email of hate to TIIC. Could they be any more profoundly disrespectful of the soldiers risking their lives everyday?

As a life-long Scorpio, Jones, and Scorpio-Jones family fan, I look forward to your entry on the killing of my sweet girl. It may just be the one ray of sunshine in this whole debacle. Unless you count the awesome acting that will come from KS, KMc, JJY, KW, and SC.

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one that felt this way. When it went from Logan saying Cooper was a good soldier to Georgie saying that he was a bad soldier and Spinelli agreeing because he was assigned to a special unit and had many commendations my mouth dropped. Where did they get all that because when I read that I get HERO, not murderer.

And I agree Georgie (and emily's i guess) death is another rant/story. I mean give me a break! Let's make sure all the Quartermaines and Jones-Scorpios are off the canvas.

And I laughed at your comment on Sonny must be a weeble. I don't get how they kept saying Cooper is medium height, I mean hello he towers over just about everyone!


Ah, Serial Drama girls, you have once again made me laugh aloud most heartily. The "weeble" comment is still making me giggle and the "hangs out with hookers down by the docks" hyperlinks make me remember that brilliant sketch by Chris Farley on SNL:

You're gonna be livin' in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Sadly, the late Mr. Farley's sartorial choices were so so so much better than the present Carly's. Yet another reason to miss that brilliant comic.

Keep it coming, ladies. Sometimes you're so funny I think you might be channelling Chris and other funny dead people!

no relation to Steve - re: "You've kind of blown my mind. This is the kind of quandry that makes the universe implode."

It is very much like the chicken and the egg isn't it? =) Think if I ask it of Jason his head would explode and then he'd POOF be gone?

Nahh....too much like a damn good dream....if his head exploded it would probably regenerate into a million little Jason's...enough for everyone to have their own! (shuddering...vomitting....shuddering...)

Not to be a shameless double post whore or anything BUT I was posting on this at another board and this thought just hit me...

Ok Cooper is all evil now because as a soilder he had to kill people or he'd be killed right? I mean I know I'm thinking logically and that's bad and all, but in a war I'm assuming if you don't kill someone on the other side you'll be the one killed right?

Isn't that the same effing logic they use to justify every murder at the hands of Corrinthos/Morgan since the dawn of effing time? They must kill the BAD mobsters or else they will be killed?

Effing double standards.

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