And The Heavenly Choir Sings "Hallelujah"

Early yesterday afternoon, I was surprised to see people stopping what they were doing and turning to each other, glorious smiles on their faces, and starting to weep with joy. I was confused because I'm not familiar with the concept of being happy in the bitter cold, but then I realized that it was January 16th at 1 PM and knew in my heart that the order in the world had been restored because the fair Rebecca Budig had returned to the airwaves and the REAL Greenlee was in Pine Valley, banishing the animatronic Greenlee from our lives forever.

I decided that I'd simply have to watch her next performance live. Sure, I could keep watching AMC on SOAPNet, but I feel like you lose something in translation when you're seeing after the fact. Like, the Beatles at Shea Stadium was great, but wouldn't it have been better to be there in person? And yeah, I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was awesome and all, but I had seen him when he was alive, I'd think he was way more awesome than I do right now after merely reading about him in history books. Besides, everybody knows history books don't mean squat, especially since they haven't yet been updated with Rebecca Budig's return to AMC!

This plan coincided neatly with the fact that I took today off from work and, as such, could watch AMC live. Yes, I managed to make it to January 17th without taking a day off. I'm quite proud of that fact.

And a gift for you all, because I love you dearly: a recap!

We open on Adam at the Valley Inn, giving orders to the maître d' and offering him a nice tip if everything for the big surprise party is ready on time. Erica and her enormous hair enter the bar and she immediately walks over to him to say hello. He says she's more beautiful than ever, what with her huge hair and her little black dress with odd criss-crossy straps. The dress would be quite nice if the bodice weren't drenched with sequins. That's so Erica, isn't it? Taking something fashionable and forcibly pushing it back to the 80s. She's at the Valley Inn on a date and she urges Adam to move on from Krystal the way she has moved on from Jack.

And there she is: THE *~*~*~REAL~*~*~*GREENLEE. She is looking mighty adorable with her straight hair and her cap sleeved dress. Damn you, Budig! It's so hard for me to make fun of the spectacle of your return when you're all cute and stuff. Anyhoo, she's at Fusion, reading Kendall's screenplay. She laughs uproariously, and I have to say, I am totally with her there. Zach enters and they greet each other warmly and he kisses her on the cheek. This newfound BFFship is...unsettling. Maybe it's me, since I can be the type of vile person who holds onto grudges about perceived slights for ages, but no amount of time in a bomb shelter with someone is going to make me forget what they did to me or my friends and family, so it's weird to see them all giggly and girl talking with each other.

Apparently, JR leased a condo right by Babe's. He's concerned about her friendship with Richie and says, I quote, "I'm more concerned that he looks like a grifter". That's big talk coming from a man who is giving James Lafferty on One Tree Hill a run for his money in the grimy hair sweepstakes. Babe says that Richie is dying and JR oh so maturely says "dying...to get in your pants". Ugh, eyeroll.

Speaking of the world's most awesome psycho killer, he's begging Annie for bone marrow and when she says no, he violently grabs her arm.

At Ryan's, he picks Kendall up in a bear hug and spins her around. He's completely loopy and tells her that he's a new man and that "a blow to the head will do that to you". Okay, "blow to the head" is the same as "shot in the head by a psychopath"? Good to know. He has a dizzy spell that reminds me of Billy Dee Williams's health problems on General Hospital: Night Shift and I start to get scared that we're in for a splashy musical number where Ryan sings a Motown classic to the people of Pine Valley. Kendall, dressed in a little wine colored dress with a big black leather belt and high black boots (reminding me tons of the dress and belt Ricky made in the SJP challenge of Project Runway and how that was the only good thing he's EVER DONE on the show and yet he's still there and Kit is gone and is there no justice in the world, and what was with Rami's bitchery last night and why am I not friends with Tim Gunn because I think that would be awesome) is very concerned about Ryan and it turns out that he was faking it, because he's a total douche. Nothing's funnier than a man who was just shot in the head (and released from the hospital after that gunshot wound in a matter of hours but whatever, sense if for squares) pretending to be hurt. Except genocide. Genocide is funnier than that. He picks up a guitar and Kendall asks if the new Van Halen. Wonderful as Alicia Minshew is, she cannot even save this scene. It's horrific. She can not fake laughter.

Back in Fusion, Greenlee pours Zach a margarita and remarks that it's nice to be liked again, or at least tolerated. He corrects her and says she was right when she said "liked". He asks how she's doing, and she says okay, aside from having mountains of work to catch up on. He tells her to stop being polite and start being real and she admits that she has stomach aches and gets tired. He asks her to take care of herself, and she promises she will. Luckily, they stop short of a pinky swear. She asks how Zach is doing and he opens up to her about the pain he feels over what happened to Hannah and how he has nightmares about it, except that it's Kendall dying instead. He tries to pretend that it's random, but Greenlee says so much has happened and she can't help wondering what's going to happen next. Spoiler--you find out that your boyfriend totally did it with Zach's wife!!

Annie tells Richie to never grab her like that again or else she'll bite him again like she did that time she gave him the huge scar he has on his chest. She continue that he's like an elephant when it comes to him and she'll never forget his misdeeds. He asks her again to take the test for bone marrow compatibility and that she may be his only chance and she hits us with some knowledge: Richie once tried to kill her.

A tremendously boring scene with JR and Babe goes as follows:

JR: I totally don't love you but I want to keep tabs on your love life!
Babe: I totally don't love you either but I am going to keep rubbing it in your face that I am flirting with someone else because I can, because I'm single.
JR: Remember those times when we were married and you boned my brother and also an aborted fetus?

Krystal and Tads overhear all of this, and will later lecture JR and Babe on how to have a healthy relationship. Because I often take romantic advice and life lessons from gold-diggers and murderers.

Colby looks tres adorable in a patterned strapless dress with her bangs poofed up. I want so badly to hate on the high bangs look, but when you don't feel like washing your hair, it's a godsend. Anyway, Adam is hilariously angry abut Sean sleeping with the "angry neurotic Hannah Nichols" and Colby says he's not helping her feel better about it. He asks her to go make sure the manager is all set for the big partay.

Marshall, Erica's date, is boring and talking about his family's vineyard and she goes to the bar to ask Adam for his help. I love their BFFship! He creates a hilariously over-the-top diversion about a business deal he and Erica have going sour and she hilariously answers with "Ohmigod, NO!" Marshall tries to step to Mr. Chandler and says that he and Erica are on a date, but she's all "I could lose millions, bro" and runs away. She tells Adam that she owes him and he agrees. His solution to be even stevens: Marry him! A voice from behind them says "Over my dead body!" and we see that it's PALMER! I love Palmer!

Babe and Tad and Krystal and JR recap the fight that they had at the beginning of the episode. Now that Alexa Havins and her smugness aren't playing Babe anymore, I'm not filled with searing hatred, but scenes with Amanda Baker are just...boring.

Richie makes a cuckoo noise and says he never tried to kill her. Annie said she used to want to kill him all the time and wishes that she had. He tells her that if they're going to talk about crazy people, they might as well bring up Ryan. She claims Ryan isn't crazy, but he counters that he's spent some time with azy-cray people and that he knows Ryan is one of them. He stops short of chanting "One of us! One of us!" but just barely.

Ooooh! A promo for Jesse and Angie's return! It gave me goosebumps. I love how the fact that a legendary super couple is taking a backseat to the return of Rebecca Budig. But still: eee! I can't wait, even though I know their explanation for Jesse not being dead after all is going to be dumb. How will they explain the times that his ghost saved Tad, or welcomed Gilliam to heaven? Oooh, maybe the REAL audience didn't actually see that! The REAL Audience is now and that was the FAKE Audience back then. It makes so much sense

Annie says that Ryan is not crazy, but that the bullet he took to his head humbled him and taught him that life is too short to waste on grudges and other lines taken from Colbie Callait songs. He offers to build a statue in Ryan's honor and, you know, I have to say I'm pretty surprised that Pine Valley doesn't already have one. He asks again if she'll donate her bone marrow and she tells him she's not sure that his life is worth saving.

Back and Ryan's, he and Kendall are laughing hysterically. She says she hasn't laughed this much in a long time, which is understandable, given the death and dying babies and all. He tells her that he and Zach have enough money to give away. They then talk about how Zach is dealing with the trauma of the last few weeks and she ruefully says that Zach is a master of hiding his feelings from everyone...

...everyone except the REAL Greenlee! She tells him that he should let Kendall know how he's feeling and that it's okay to need a hug sometimes. He appreciates her pocket-sized brand of wisdom.

Adam tells Palmer to butt out, but Palmer says that Adam has preyed on the innocent women of this town for too long, Dixie and Krystal foremost. Um, Palmer, I love you to death, but double you tee eff? How on earth are the Dixie and Krystal situations similar? Dixie was an innocent teenager and Krystal was a trashy gold-digger. Not seeing the similarities. Palmer says he won't stand idly by while Adam ruins Erica again. She giggles at the thought of ever being ruined by anybody. Palmer warns her to watch her back and he leaves. What was he doing there? Did his Adam sense just go off so he made a cameo and left? Weird. Erica awesomely says she is not willing to play second fiddle to Krystal. They agree that they need to be in love and, she continues with a disgusted eyeroll, that he is for some unknown reason in love with Krystal. She does, though, accept his invitation to be his date to the party.

Zach tells the REAL Greenlee that he's going to Tad and Krystal's party at the Valley Inn and he hugs her as he says goodbye. She asks if he knows why a charm would be important to Kendall and he's not sure what she means. After he leaves, she goes back to the manuscript and says "It would be a great title for..." For what, REAL Greenlee? The most awesome book in the history of ever that I already have pre-ordered?

Erica wonders why Adam would throw a party for Tad and Krystal and Colby proudly says he thought of it all by himself. Erica sarcastically says it's very noble and orders flowers for the occasion. She wonders what kind of catch there is to the whole thing. He smiles.

Tad and Babe and Krystal and JR: their parental figures teach them important life lessons and they apologize to each other in unison. They decide to go over to the party and Krystal says "We're family, we're going to go out in public and act like one". Between all of their rap sheets, it's startlingly similar to the Manson family, if anything.

Ryan strums his guitar and Kendall begs him to stop. She says she knows he doesn't like being called a hero, but he is one and has been hers many a time. Oh, vomit. This is uncomfortably like a scene with Jason Morgan and any female on General Hospital. Zach walks in and makes some hilariously WTF faces at Wacky Crackers Ryan. Kendall tells Ryan that she was mean and made Annie work on a special project and even through his brain damaged haze, Ryan finds this suspicious. He bids them adieu and after they leave, he smiles gleefully and says, to the empty room, "I trust you, Kendall".

Erica is still suspicious of Adam, because he does nothing without an agenda. He simply says the night is going to be awesome.

Annie goes home to find Ryan strumming his guitar happily, with shopping bags in her hand. He wonders why they can't go to the party tonight and I'm sorry, Tad and Krystal's inherent suckage should be reason enough to make him happy about not going. She says their evening will be even better, because they're going back to where it all began. ...the sperm bank?

The REAL Greenlee calls Aidan and says that they should go to the Valley Inn with Zach and Kendall because they deserve a little fun. Just...no comment. She makes another phone call to "Kelly" and lets Kelly know that she has a faboo manuscript written by her best friend that Kelly is going to love and it will be a best seller and it is called Charm Exclamation Point. Greens and I are in total agreement that it is going to be awesome.

Erica suspiciously says that two gentlemen just arrived and when Adam says they are part of his plan, she says "Part of my new year's resolution is to focus on my own life". HEE! She books. The guests of honor arrive and Zach and Kendall follow. She swigs some champagne. Tad stares at them as they walk in and wonder why the hell everyone in town is there and asks if it's a special event. Adam comes in and stand with Colby, making a toast to the newlyweds. Krystal isn't buying it and tries to leave. Kendall hilariously wonders why they are even there and Zach, no doubt a fan of watching spectacles, suggests that they stick around to find out.

Krystal is turning down a free meal and being the center of attention, so you know she's angry. She storms out to confront Adam and one of the gentlemen Erica saw locks the door behind them, telling the guests that they can't leave until Adam says so. Outside, the other man refuses to let Krystal and Adam back in.

Tomorrow: ANGIE!

Comments

[Kat]

Wow. All My Children makes me feel vaguely superior for watching General Hospital, and that's vaguely pathetic.

I also scanned CNN all day on the 16th, thinking surely that the return of REAL Greenlee had brought resolution to many bitter, entrenched conflicts (Israelis v. Palestinians, Obama v. Hillary), but no such luck. I want my money back.

[Beth R.]

I unfortunately must be one of the FAKE audience..as I missed the return of the REAL Greenlee...but I must agree with you ..Kit was mothereffing robbed and Rami's bitchery was unmatched. Put me down on Team Fierce forever!

[Jan H.]

Mallory--

Love your take on THE REAL GREENLEE's return. Two observations:

1. Budig did look adorable but I was surprised by how anti-climatic her return was today. She wasn't given much to do and, in fact, seemed to be on automatic pilot as far as her performance. Strange. I expected something ... BIGGER.

2. Next time you watch the revised opening credits, notice how they seem to give Budig short shrift. Her face is nearly obscured. You can't really see her. In fact, it could be Sabine. No kidding! Check it out. I'd love to hear your take on this. It seems that ABC is playing mind games with everyone, Rebecca included.

--Jan

[Kat]

Posting again, Mallory, to ask, or more accurately, BEG you to do a review of the Kendall Hart book once you have read it. Which I'm guessing you'll be able to do at a stop light.

[Mal]

This ooky Zach and Greenlee friendship makes my skin crawl. It's just not right.

Yeah, well I'm sure soon it will be a Zach/St Greenlee/Ryan triangle, so "enjoy" the ookiness before he's gazing into her eyes and declaring that he figured out he loved only her from the moment she kidnapped and almost killed the kid.

What I want to know is, what the hell happened to the Jesse doppelganger that Angie married on that other show? I admit that marrying someone who looks exactly like your dead husband and is even played by the same actor probably isn't a sign of robust psychological health, but that character was too cool, and had too-good hair, to be shunted aside like a forgotten plot point.

[Terry]

Hey, it's starting to look to me that Rebecca returned not only to steal Sabine's role but also to snatch Alicia's leading man. Think it was part of her contract negotiations?

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

Oh my God, they're still continuing these weird promos on SoapNet with Rebecca Budig, you know the real Greenlee, hanging out over the sign that says her name. And I agree why is Ricky still on Project Runway? He doesn't even provide fun commentary like Chris.

[Cece]

You forgot the most awesomest part of all: Zach told Ryan to "Rock on" and gave him the devil horns. I heart Zach to infinity!

[Lauren]

I've tuned in just because of the great Jesse and Angie promo, and having not ever been a viewer of AMC except during Greenlee and Leo's brief time at the top, I have no real knowledge of this show aside from it's shining moments and famous characters in the heyday of 80's soap and the subsequent follow-up of disappointments and complaints since, so I have a couple questions. Is that the serial killing Nightshift nurse, Joleen, playing Babe? Are all of the two characters of color (at least from what I've seen in the past two days, which is at least more than the rest of daytime) related to Jesse and Angie? Why is Debbie Morgan so freaking adorable and non-aging and can I get some of that?

And yes, Rami's bitchery was epic, Tim Gunn is the awesomest, Ricky should've gone home long ago...and Ryan Lavery is a douche. That much I know.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

"Oooh, maybe the REAL audience didn't actually see that! The REAL Audience is now and that was the FAKE Audience back then. It makes so much sense."

I just have to say that I'm still giggling at this.

[Pavarti31]

Why oh why are they making my darling Zach the REAL Greenlee's BFF? It's making me itch so much I may have to bathe in oatmeal. Is the character already in so much trouble TPTB have to glue her to Zach even though people are getting a little urpy? For crying out loud, get Rylee on the stove and leave Zen alone.

[Angie]

Well, I am ROFLMAO! But at the same time I'm crying over the destruction of this once great show. And most especially the destruction of my favorite characters Zach & Kendall & there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it & no one is listening. It
is a pity.

[donna]

Hey, it's starting to look to me that Rebecca returned not only to steal Sabine's role but also to snatch Alicia's leading man. Think it was part of her contract negotiations?

It's not as if she hasn't done it before, although it's hardly fair to compare the importance. Stealing Ryass/CamMat? Feh. Stealing TK/Zach? Different story.

Did you read the interview in SOW with HRH? She talks about wanting to 'make out' with TK and loving having an excuse to have him'touch her there' or 'stick his tongue down her throat'. And she acknowledges that while the majority of the audience would loathe it, she'd love it.

Because, you know, it's all about her.

Is she gone yet?

[Carlye]

I hate to sound, well, catty, but Rebecca has awfully fat arms for someone so small and petite. I bring it up because it's become a distraction the last three days. It's winter and the girl is wearing sleeveless dresses!!

[Nancy]

I just wish the "real Greenlee" had stayed really gone. Her BFF with Zach routine is pissing me off ala shades of Dixie. And Rebecca Budig's comments in SOW about making out with Zach/TK regardless of what most fans want make me ill. How tacky! Neither Greenlee or Budig are earning any brownie points with me. I don't want Zach's screen time wasted on Greenlee. Been there, done that, and hated it. Give me the "real" Zach and Kendall and get Greenlee out of their storyline.

[Terry]

Saw this comment on another post and wholeheartedly agree with it:

"Rebecca is only back at AMC because she found out that prime time and the big screen aren't beating a path to her door."

[Terry]

Saw this comment on another post and wholeheartedly agree with it:

"Rebecca is only back at AMC because she found out that prime time and the big screen aren't beating a path to her door."

[Mallory]

I am loving the fact that we are a big anti-Ricky team! I wonder how many hats he has...

Kat, don't you worry, summaries and reviews of Charm! are going to be a special feature here. I cannot wait for February 5th to come!

[Ann]

I'm hoping the REALGreenlee jumps off a cliff and dies on-screen (with a body) and is never to be mentionned again on AMC. I hate what they did to Zach and Kendall just so RB could have it her way.

[Terry]

Check out this excellent New York Times post on how the writers' strike will affect the soaps. The scribes on AMC don't come off looking too good:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/21/arts/television/21soap.html?_r=1&ref=television&oref=slogin

[M.Creighton]

A comment from the GH site:

Well thank your lucky stars because the initial meeting between Frons and RB was for the role of Emily on GH. With NL staying on (that is what I heard) Frons had to do something because he didn't want to loose RB, so he fired SS and hired the "real" Greenlee back.

[Pat]

The Real Greenlee appeared today on The View, along with The Real Angie and The Real Jessie, and seemed terribly remote and sheepish. Questions about whether any of them would stick around on the show caused a visible nervousness. BTW, The Real Greenlee talked about her husband back in California. I'm confused. Exactly what does Mr. Real Greenlee do? I'm serious. I really don't know what he does. Can anyone enlighten me?

[Cate]

So the best part of that episode and the return of the REAL greenleeeeeeee(yawn sry I fell asleep thinking about it)was that I never have to see those awful, annoying REAL Greenlee commercials ever again. I swear I almost broke my tv with how many times I threw something at it!