General Hospital Week[ish] in Review

You guys, I'm so sorry for not having put up a GH Week in Review for almost two weeks.  My excuse is that I was having total babydaddy drama; mine is a hitman and that is, like, so complicated sometimes!  And then my older son, who totally hates the hitman (I heard him say something like "witch, tease" the other day, which I think is kid code for "I prefer Lucky"), freaking set our house on fire!  I mean sure, he had been playing with matches and I had caught him, but hello, I told him not to do it again. 

That totally works with most kids his age!  But instead he got the matches again and, long story short, almost killed his little brother.  And I severed an artery or something, which I didn't realize for the entire time it took me to get from my house to the hospital, even though it was supposedly a life-threateningly serious cut and even though I'm a nurse. 

So now I'm stuck in a hostage situation in the hospital (I'm told it's tense and dramatic and compelling, but I'm actually really bored), but at least I have some free time to blog!  Oh, and it's worth noting that my ex-husband is being all super dreamy and gorgeous and heroic, so of course that's a whole other pain in my ass.  My life is seriously tough and totally busy.  That's why I've been ignoring my hair.

I'm told by folks in the forums (I do no original research) that replacement writers have officially taken over Bob Guza's "writing" duties.  Maybe that explains why there appears to be consensus that at least on a day to day basis, the writing is a bit better.  The last week and a half or so really have been pretty decent.  Not everything is working, and I'm certainly bored some of the time, but the overtly offensive and violent stuff appears to be dormant, which is a nice change of pace.  If it turns out Guza is really secretly writing this stuff himself, I'm going to be embarrassed.  But I will still find a way not to give him credit for any improvement.

I've long been an advocate for Alexis and Diane becoming friends. Their road trip could have been a series of sexist cliches; I thought we were in trouble when it started with a battle over dresses.  But  then it got kind of fun. 

I loved the "you killed a dude too?!" moment.  At least somebody on the writing staff remembers what happened a couple of years ago.

Sonny:  It's not okay to hit somebody just because you don't like what they say.
Michael:  What do you do?

Oh snap, Mikey.  You're a crazy future serial killer, but you are spot on with that snottiness, sir.

My favorite part of all these scenes with Carly and Sonny freaking out about the psycho killer they've raised is stepdad Jax as the voice of reason.  Run, Jax, run!  It may have started out okay, but this marriage is going nowhere good.  Please see the last section below.  K thx.

Elizabeth's confrontation of Sam over spilling the paternity beans to Carly was filled with the usual "You're a lying whore!" "No, you are!" BS, but it was such a prototypically animated soapy catfight that you must enjoy it again via pictures without the dialogue distracting you.

I love that last one especially.  Yo yo yo tank tops in winter in the hizzouse!

I know I once said that I was totally over Ric Lansing, but Rick Hearst has won me over again.  I am totally willing to buy into a redemption arc, especially after Ric's goodbye scenes with Skye. 

Ric needs a real love interest, stat.  His "Where were you when I was six?" comment to Skye was sexier than anything the mobtastics have done in six months, at least.

I had grown rather used to unintentional comedy in Lucky Spencer's scenes -- the once-crafty and super sharp son of Luke and Laura devolved into a [gorgeous but] bumbling cop who couldn't figure out even the most obvious things like that Jason the Heroic Hitman had totally schtupped Lucky's wife. But lately he's started to seem like he could actually do long division [gorgeously], and last week he had a totally dreamy scene with Elizabeth about Jake.

Lucky:  ...But there is something I want to give to Jake that I didn't have, and that's stability.  You know, somebody who's there for him. Somebody he knows that he can count on.  Someone that can teach him the difference between right and wrong.  To protect him.  I know that's a lot for me to ask and this is mostly between you and Jason.  I just wanted you to know that I'm willing. . . . Jake's a good little boy.  I just want to make sure that he, you know that he has a chance to grow into a man.  Don't take this the wrong way.  I just hope that Jake winds up with a lot more of you, than his father.

And then later he schooled Sam on not being such a manipulative, lying harpy.  Of course when he finds out about this he's going to be crushed, but he will be gorgeously crushed, so there's that.  Long live the recently returned real Lucky!

Oh yeah, Lulu is still kidnapped (in a castle of styrofoam rocks), Luke is still being a moron, Stan is still dead so Epiphany is still upset, Kate and Sonny continue to dance around each other in a way that neither particularly interests nor angers me, Jax's hair continues to be terrifying, and the Text Message Killer is still on the loose and might possibly be Cooper or Johnny.  Snoozeville all around.

Y'all know I have not been reserved about my growing dislike of Carly Benson Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Corinthos Jax.  She routinely gives me a headache, sometimes crossing the line to inducing rage blackouts.  She is an unrepentant buttinski, and not in an amusing way.  Her wardrobe frightens small children, except her elder son who cannot be scared because he is a sociopath.  She is, in short, exhausting to watch.  And do I need soaps to be exhausting?  I do not.  For that I have pilates, jogging, housecleaning, and the audition rounds episodes of American Idol.

Anyhoodle, something brazilliant happened last week.  Various Port Charlesians finally called Carly on her meddlesome BS, and my birthday came early because she found out that not only did Elizabeth have Jason's son, but half the town knew before Carly did.  It was more magical than Disneyland.

The Comeuppance of Carly:  A Study in Quotations

Sam:  That's right, Carly.  Jake is Jason's son.
Carly:  You are so bitter that he dumped you.
Sam:  No, he didn't dump me.  He lied to me and betrayed me but he --
Carly: And you're so jealous of my friendship with him.
Sam: It is not a friendship.  I am sorry.  It's not.  It's warped.  You are a twisted, selfish, meddling bitch who can't stand the idea of Jason being with another woman, even if it's just another woman.  You have had it in for me from the start.
Carly:  No, I saw through you from the start.  How many beds did you bounce from?  Jax, Sonny, Jason . . . god, and to think you could have tied Jason down.
Sam: Oh, that's right, your poor, poor, god-like Jason.  You were thrilled when you found out I couldn't get pregnant because you knew what a son means to Jason.  And now Elizabeth, oooh, holier-than-thou Elizabeth, who you just might dislike a teenie bit more than me has given him the son he's always wanted.  I mean that's certainly something that you haven't given him.  And he didn't tell you.  His big best friend.

Oh my god, that was better than at least some of the sex you've had.  Admit it.

Carly: Did you ask yourself why?  Did you see this as a crisis?  No, you saw it as a golden opportunity.  You ran to Jason's bed so fast you left a vapor trail.  You took advantage of his kindness and his generosity.
Elizabeth:  Oh, please.  You treat Jason like his life is open 24/7 for your convenience.
Carly:  You can't stand that we're so close!
Elizabeth:  And that he has nothing better to do than deal with your petty differences.
Carly:  I will make sure that Jason sees you for who you really are.
Elizabeth:  Grow up, Carly.  We have a baby's welfare to consider, not to mention Lucky and anyone else involved.
Carly: You trashed your marriage because you slept around on your husband. 
Elizabeth: This coming from you, the town whore?
::Carly slaps Elizabeth::

I cannot process this much Carly bashing at once; I am on glee overload.  (And let's face it, Liz was due for a bit of a slap.  All's fair.)

 

Jason:  I know you love me.  And I know you want to fight for me.  But this isn't about me.
Carly: How can you say that?  You're a father.  I remember how you were when Michael was a baby.  How wonderful you were with him.  How wonderful he turned out because of you.
Jason:  How wonderful Michael turned out?  Come on!

HAAAA!  I'll spot you a couple of murders just for that, Jase.

Jason:  Elizabeth didn't talk me into this, okay?  We all agreed.  Even Lucky -- that this is what's best for Jake.
Carly:   I can see how she could convince Lucky, but you I don't understand.
Jason: You're just mad I didn't tell you.
Carly: No, I'm mad as hell at Elizabeth for convincing you, and manipulating you into not telling anyone.  That's what I'm mad about.
Jason: Sonny -- Sonny knew that you would be like this too.
Carly: Sonny knows that Jake is your son?  So who else knows?
Jason:  Spinelli and Lulu.  Emily even suspected.
Carly:  You can trust them but you couldn't trust me?
Jason:  Look how you're reacting! 

I might hyperventilate.

Elizabeth: Nobody makes Jason do anything he doesn't want to.  You should know that better than anyone.
Carly: You used his love for that baby.
Elizabeth: You know, Carly, it's no accident that Jason left you on the outside. He knew you were going to make things worse -- like you always do.  You were so afraid of being replaced in Jason's life.
Carly:  I know one thing.  It won't be by you.  Jake needs his father.  And I'm going to do whatever it takes to pry him out of your hands.
Elizabeth: You're a mother.  How can you possibly advocate separating me from my little boy?
Carly: I never said anything about separation.  It's called joint custody. And it works great for me and Sonny.  And it'll work great for you and Jason -- whether you like it or not.

I have no idea why everyone hates her -- she's such a charmer!  (Laura Wright rocked the whole week, BTW, but even she can't make me like Carly.)

Sonny: Don't you have enough to deal with in your own life, Carly?  Whatever happens to Jake is between Elizabeth and Jason.
Carly: Don't you think Elizabeth has already had enough to say?  She's been manipulating the whole situation, including Jason.
Sonny:  Yeah, but nobody manipulates Jason, so, I don't know what you --
Carly:  Really?  Do you think it was his idea to keep me in the dark about Jake being his son?  I mean, the whole town knows!
Sonny:   No, no, no.  The whole world doesn't know.  That's the point in not tellin' you.  Because it's not your business. [Zing!  - Ed.]
Carly:  Jason is my dearest friend, okay?  I'm closer to him than to anyone, including my husband.
Sonny:  Doesn't that say something about your marriage?  [Zing times two!  - Ed.]
Carly: Don't you think that Jason deserves the opportunity to love and raise his son just like any other father?
Sonny: Well that's a self-serving argument, and not to mention hypocritical, since you tried to take my kids away from me.  [Zing times three!  - Ed.]
Carly:  That was different. 
Sonny: Well, of course you say that.
Carly: We were married and divorced.  We were two passionate and volatile people who were just trying to hurt each other.  And I was wrong to try and take Michael and Morgan away from you.  They love you very much and their lives are better because you're in it.  They were the ones who would have suffered.
Sonny:  Well I'm glad that you came to this revelation now, when it serves your agenda.  [ZIng times infinity!  -Ed.]

I don't care that he's committed way more wrongs than she ever could, I don't care that it's hypocritical for him to lecture anyone about being manipulative, I don't care that speeches like this further solidify a mobster as the moral compass of this show:  For those zings, I LOVE SONNY CORINTHOS.

[Becca's gushing wound has obviously seriously impacted blood flow to her brain and therefore her sanity.  I'll restore her blogging privileges when and if she recuperates.  I can't have this kind of language infecting our site.  Thanks for your understanding, and for not hurling expletives or weaponry at her.  - Mallory]

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

Comments

[zarathelawyer]

It was fun at the time - especially the Sam smackdown - but seeing it all together like that does bring a smile to my face.

Sonny, however, while flinging around the zingers, did lose me at the end because he didn't go down the stealing Michael path. Which is entirely where that conversation should have been going.

[Danny]

Does Carly have any friends that don't work for Sonny? I'm honestly trying to think of any, and can't.

[Charlie]

Don't worry, Mallory. Just remind of the things he used to over and over and Becca will be fine. Mention AJ a lot will help speed the process.

However, not helping the case is the fact that Carly basically state the fact that she is perfectly all right with her kid being a sociopath and/or a future mobster. Can we nominate her for worst character ever? She would win by a landslide.

By the way, great review. You didn't mention the Living Dead Girlfriend stuff with Nicky but that's fine since nothing real interesting happened there anyway except her being the Stepford Ghost.

[Natalie]

Sonny has been getting better and better. And I cant believe it!!

[Pam]

There have been so few episodes for me to do a happy dance for but Carly learning her BFF had a child that SHE (cause everything is bigger when it comes to Carly) didn't know about has been wonderful. I don't know who has been doing the writing but a lot of it has been....what's the word..."good". I know it isn't going to last but Carly's conversations with those near and dear to her have been priceless.

[V]

I loved the end disclaimer. Thank you Mallory.

I have to agree with zarathelawyer on this one. Wouldn't it have been nice if the Sonny/Carly conversation went just a bit further into the history books.

Also, if you think about it, the whole town does "kind of know" that Jason is Jake's father. Especially now that he went running to the hospital to check on Liz and her son, as simply a "friend." *winkwink* Hah, Secret affair? Secret pain? I think not.

And in a morbid kind of way, Carly was basically right. Can you believe I said that? *checks own brain* Just think if Jason would have simply claimed Jake as his son - which I think he wanted to do like FOUR times? - all of these last two years might have gone down a little easier.

Anyway, great review. I loved the beginning as you relayed word-for-word what really went on in Liz's head. *hee*

[Elisabeth]

Didn't Cameron find the matches lying on the floor? I couldn't effing believe it. Anyways, I love Cameron and am so excited that he now gets to talk (arguably more eloquently than MB.)

[Beth R.]

Cameron's every word is code for "I prefer Lucky"

And I've always wanted a Lucky clone for the shallow factor but can i have one of the recently returned real Lucky factor too?

If Garin Wolf, our new fi-con headwriter, will stay forever...I'll totally spot Jason a murder or two....as long as Lucky continues to look and act so freakingly awesomely!

At long long last...it is finally an AWESOME time to be a Lucky fan!

[Chad]

In the "General Hospital" that plays in my head, Cameron set the fire deliberately to take Jake out of the picture.

I'm also frustrated, despite the minor improvements in quality, because there's a prime opportunity to do a storyline involving the Quartermaines. There should be a story where Monica tries to get custody of Jake with Edward's support and they even hinted that's where this whole "Jason as babydaddy" thing was going, but of course that was months ago and so far they've held up the rule that any story potentially involving the Quartermaines has to a) be dropped, b) involve Tracy supporting Luke or Lulu, or c) have one of them die or leave Port Charles.

Yet I'm still holding up hope that the Hospital Hostage Crisis (yawn) will end with Monica and Edward finding out or at least starting to suspect that Jake is Jason's son. I never learn my lesson from this show.

[dianora]

I know I once said that I was totally over Ric Lansing, but Rick Hearst has won me over again. I am totally willing to buy into a redemption arc

Yes please! And his goodbye scene with Alexis was DREAMY. I want them back together like whoa. Especially if the alternative for Alexis is Jerry Jacks.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Is "gorgeously" going to be the new "hotly"? I hope so!

[V]

"At long long last...it is finally an AWESOME time to be a Lucky fan!" - Beth R.

Amen to that! I fear, however, the days are numbered.

[Sarah]

OK, Cam and his super highly coordinated three year old little hands starting that fire to kill Jake so Blinky would stop coming over to visit is a genius sicko idea. I prefer Lucky too kiddo!!!!

Sonny smacking down Carly and snarking about her hypocrysy and her ridiculous marraige to dimwit Jax was great. I give you that. But how about the real big bad truth?

He and Carly and Jason kidnapped Michael from AJ and drove the man insane. Hanging him from a meathook in a freezer until he succombed to blackmail and signed away his parental rights for playing by Sonny's rules and setting one of his warehouses on fire. Remember that crap?

Carly pretending suddenly that a kid MUST be raised by his bio parents is a joke! Talk about flip flopping on an issue. Her and Bobbie, Michael and AJ, her boys and Sonny vs. Jason and Alcazar at different times, John and Jax vs. Nikolas etc....And joint custody? Like she and Jason had so he could be happy and live with Robin in peace, puhlease. As good as this anti screechy Carly stuff was it was the tip of the iceberg.

St. Jason saving the ER from the fake bomb today was so anticlimactic I almost passed out. And turning Monica into an alcoholic, nice GH. That reeks of Guza!!!!

Sonny's joke today about going bald if that was what Zora the machine game's card read was so close to reality. Mumbles' hairline is on the run, just like GH viewers!

[Beth R.]

Let me live in my dream V...let me live in my dream....

Although Jason saving the world from empty thermoses did give me continued hope...we all know Guza would have had Lucky doing that instead of being all heroic and noble and swoon-worthy and awesome.....because seriously that was freaking hillarious...woulnd't the Saviour of the free world who kills people KNOW it was an empty thermos?

I'm still floving Garin for all time until further notice.

[Jes]

I tuned in once this past week to see yet another hostage situation, which caused me to immediately change the channel. Sorry I missed Carly's comeuppance, but I loved reading your recap. That was wonderful, and long overdue!

[Jess]

"How wonderful Michael turned out? Come on!" -- I can't get over how awesome that was. I really can't. Scab writers forever.

[Lisa]

I hate to say it, but this baby daddy drama could be a huge, arching story--you know, that thing all these hostage dramas are supposed to be.

Reading Lucky's monologue sure sounds like he's going to 'fix' everything from his childhood--and we know how well that goes. Now, if Luke was actually part of the story, that would make it better, but what the hell.

And if Lulu sides with Jason, let's see Lucky finally explode on these mob enablers.

Let's see, Edward could use Monica's now childless state, have her try for custody, Tracy has to choose sides...it could actually be something interesting.

But I'm not holding my breath.

I would have liked for Jason to point out how Carly used Michael to manipulate him and come between he and his girlfriend, um, irony at all...but I guess if Jason were smart enough to realize Carly's (and Sonny's) destructive influence on his life and his value system, their inexplicable "friendship" would become that much more inexplicable.

I hope you're going to give some love to Scott Baldwin for encouraging Lucky to clean up PC and kill two birds with one stone.

[Caitlin]

I don't care if it was supposed to make Scott look evil -- I FLOVED his "accidents happen" with regards to Jason being in Lucky's line of fire. It almost made up for all the borg-propping he'd done up to that point. Almost.

[Titian]

carly getting smacked down by everyone was definitely a highlight. i've favorited all those scenes on youtube. what's even better is that she hasn't stopped her quest to save jason--so there will be further verbal beatings in her future. let's hope they beat her all the way to the backburner!

[V]

"St. Jason saving the ER from the fake bomb today was so anticlimactic I almost passed out. And turning Monica into an alcoholic, nice GH. That reeks of Guza!!!!" - Sarah

You read my mind.

I'm sorry, Beth R., I will try not to crush your dream any further. Haha Let the dream live on!

I forgot to add how much I LOVED this:

"And then my older son, who totally hates the hitman (I heard him say something like "witch, tease" the other day, which I think is kid code for "I prefer Lucky"), freaking set our house on fire! I mean sure, he had been playing with matches and I had caught him, but hello, I told him not to do it again. "

Yes, that always works with kids.

[Titian]

oh. totally forgot to mention st. jaysus' very own come to jaysus moment!

"i don't want my son to be like me!"

holy cow! who wrote that? i'd like bear their children!

[Michelle]

"OK, Cam and his super highly coordinated three year old little hands starting that fire to kill Jake so Blinky would stop coming over to visit is a genius sicko idea. I prefer Lucky too kiddo!!!!" ~Sarah

i am LMAO at this comment! lol!

i, like all of you, have had enough of this "St. Jasus" propping. the writers are really shameless in their quest to brainwash every viewer into thinking Jason is the perfect man, hero, lover, and father.

and WhyTF are they exaggerating the "Liz gets a cut on her leg" thing? is it to create angst for Jiz? because it's lame and annoying. i don't know maybe she really was hurt, but it's Liz, so i can't sympathize.

i may be in the minority, but i really enjoyed Joe. i think the actor did a good job, and even though i didn't like that he threatened to kill a bunch of people (with a fake bomb), i felt so bad for him. i wouldn't be opposed to GH expanding that story a bit, but since i like the idea, they probably won't.

[isabella]

I have been a general fan for many years now and i am very happy that jason and elizabeth finally together. but in a way i am also upset with the show the way that jason has to sneak around elizabeth place just to see his son.i find that to be so cruel general needs to wake up and put this two couple together and let them be a family already they both are madly in love and they should raise baby jake and cam as a family .if sonny can do it why can,t jason and elizabeth? even elizabeths ex lucky has sam in his life and everyone in town knows about it. so why have jason and elizabeth sneak of to a safe house to be together?they should have the same right as lucky and sam and sonny and kate and carly and jax. it is not fair to elizabeth and jason they making elizabeth look like a cheap person.

[Michaela]

I LOVE SONNY CORINTHOS.

... ... ... Okay, really. There should have been some sort of notice before this blog entry. Some sort of advisory. Inappropriate Language? Realistic Depiction of Psychosis? Graphic Statements of Ewwww?

Mallory, I hope you're taking care of Becca, she obviously needs help or she's just going to end up a wig on a stick in Ferncliff somewhere. And nobody wants that!

"i may be in the minority, but i really enjoyed Joe. i think the actor did a good job"

Me too. i think it's ironic that they seem to do a better job casting short-term day players than they do the major roles, plus those characters tend to be way more interesting than any of the ones shoved down our throats on a daily basis.

[Alyssa]

Tired of all these babies being born, and then they want the partnity to be kept a secrect, if you sleep with dogs you wake up with fleas, wake up a Liz, why the fear, your not scared to sleep, with the man, is she fearful that they can also kill her at the safe house, and then she'll be leaving her children without both parents, porfavor, give this baby to Lucky and end this story, so Robin can take it over and rant for nine months how she doesn't want tell Patrick he the father, to many baby momma drama, these ladies are all adults, not teenager's, either handle the situation, or get out kitchen,

[Alyssa]

So their killing Jason/Coop off they could done so much with this charcther, introduce as Billy Holt, son, Edward's grandson, it would have brought in a new Quartmaine after the money, his father was a good guy, they could have may him as greed and nasty as Edward in the old days, Or AJ son, any number of Quartermaine's offspring, no they make the poor guy a killer, I say primetime for you Jason G, only on GH Steve B. and Maurice get screen time.

[Gene]

I so agree with your pov. The show so is in crap mode that I don't watch it anymore. It has no people to root for. People u want to root for and stand behind are shallow, dumb, stupid idiots while criminals are made to be the heroes. The characters need a makeover now because I don't find anyone on the show likable.

i want to see jake and cam kidnaped by sam and jason finds them 1 month later. elizabeth and jason get married