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« Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007 | Main | Our Column in the 1/8 Issue of SOD »

January 02, 2008

General Hospital Week in Review

Some tragic things have happened to me over the last few weeks:

  • Saleisha won America's Next Top Model, capping off a very disappointing season of one of my favorite TV guilty pleasures
  • I was driving along and my innocent ears were assaulted by Hootie (and the Blowfish?  I don't know if he's hooting on his own now) singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire (which, by the way, sounds so unappetizing to me -- who wants roasted nuts at the holidays when you can have whoopie pies or pumpkin cheesecake?)
  • I was subjected to I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
  • I left my Benefit Lipscription in the car and the lip balm part froze and is now ruined (yes, I can just buy another, but I am of Irish descent, so it takes me a while to build up the nerve to spend $32 on lip balm)
  • Dirty Sexy Money ran out of pre-strike episodes
  • A random pedestrian yelled at me that I was a "stupid fucking bitch" because my bumper was about a foot into a huge crosswalk of which he was the only occupier -- before I'd even had my morning caffeine
  • Josh Duhamel ruined several holidays by getting engaged to effing Fergie
  • I watched the GH Christmas episode

Once again, I can reach no other conclusion than that ABC Daytime is intentionally torching its flagship show.

I'm not religious, but if I were I think I would take GH's Christmas Eve episode as an affront to Jesus.  I took it as an affront to good television.  Let's briefly review the "highlights" of this holiday episode:

  • Carly passed out and then sat on a couch, sick
  • GhostAlan returned.  Oh excuse me, Tracy's conscience that takes the form of a ghost of Alan returned.  Not just in a tracksuit, but in a Santa hat.  Because it's the holidays!  And GH knows that the holidays are all about family!  Especially dead family members.  Praise Jesus.  And ghosts.
  • Sonny and Kate pined after each other, having broken up because he is a mobster who commits crimes for a living and occasionally has people killed.
  • Maxie cried a lot and gave Felicia a gift from Georgie, a legacy character who was recently brutally, senselessly murdered.
  • Jason started at Liz and her boys through a window, since he can't be with them on account of his career of KILLING PEOPLE FOR MONEY making him a danger to his babymomma and son.
  • Luke's coma-dreams of purgatory kicked in again.  I'm totally calling these bullshit interludes Luke's Hot Flashes from now on.  I love Tony Geary, but there is nobody on daytime who I want to see doing a non-ironic version of My Way, particularly with a spoken-word stanza.  You must be kidding.
  • There was no Christmas-story-reading to the kids at the hospital, there was no holiday party bringing together a bunch of the characters.

So, yeah, that was GH's happy holidays message for you.  Merry f'ing Christmas!  If you don't celebrate Christmas, I think you should feel lucky not to be associated with this mess of an allegedly holiday-themed episode. 

There were a couple of good moments, I guess.

Sonny:  It's about time you cut your hair.

Ha!  And woohoo!  Steve Burton's new haircut debuted! 



(We knew it was coming, and was long overdue, but seeing it onscreen is truly cause for celebration.)  It's the same one he had in 1995, though.  Does this mean a re-Q'ing is in the works?!  If only.

The 'do is also a bit hedgehog-ian for my tastes, but I think it's a combination of Burton's head shape and hair texture, neither of which I can hold him responsible for, so I'll let it go.  It does make me think of Chad Michael Murray's similar follicular affliction.


And I think we can agree that comparison to Chad Michael Murray is a good thing in exactly zero circumstances.  But still, Burton's new cut is an enormous improvement.

And the only other bit of good news from the Christmas episode, which isn't exactly a newsflash, but: Tracy rocks.

Luke: Tracy, I need you to do something for me.  I want a Viking funeral.
Lulu:  Dad...
Luke: No.  Listen, I'm serious.  I want you to just lay me in a rowboat, set it aflame, and shove me out into the harbor.
That wouldn't be any fun unless you were alive.

Oh fine, writers:  Hee!


Oh, and there were a few other episodes last week.  To which, as usual, I say:  meh.

Diane putting Sonny in his place about his relationship "sturm und drang" was pretty entertaining.


I like anyone taking Sonny down a few pegs, even if Diane's reprimands do tend to be a little overdramatic.  At least this time she didn't bring up shoes.  We are women, hear us roar.


Oh sigh.  Another week, another offensive scene or two.  The gay stylist stereotype Julius (BTW, who is the actor - some entertainment reporter, right?) was an unnecessary addition to the Kate-runs-back-to-NYC storyline.  Apparently Kate lives in a previously unknown version of Manhattan, which consists solely of walking caricatures. 


Julius was OTT to start with, but then he had to be up all over Max?  Way to play against the predatory gay male myth, GH!  I guess I wouldn't mind the stereotype as much if GH had a couple of gay characters on the canvas that weren't walking stereotypes, but I think the last gay Port Charles resident was Lucas, who was quickly ushered out of town.

Those scenes with Julius did provide one moment of hilarity, however, in which we as viewers were asked to believe that anyone would mistake the 40+, 5'8" Sonny for a model.  I needed a good guffaw in the afternoon.


It says something (as usual, something not good) about this show that in a verbal battle between Carly and Robin, I couldn't even be 100% on Robin's side.

Carly:  You know the difference between me and you?
Thankfully, there's a lot of them.
I go after what I want.  I live my life and I don't apologize for it.  Yeah, I've had some bumps along the way, but I have two beautiful children, and a loving husband.  What exactly do you have?
Robin:  Well, I am a doctor.  And everything I have I have worked for on my own.  Everything you have is thanks to your husbands.
Carly:  You're a snotty little doctor, running around Port Charles, begging any old acquaintance for a donation of their DNA so you can have a kid.
And excuse me what is wrong with wanting to be a mother?
Well, let's see.  You're cold, self-righteous, not to mention jealous, judgmental -- you can't even hold onto a man long enough to have a kid.

. . .

Carly:  You had the most amazing, trusting man in Jason, and you blew it.
No, you had to come along with your bastard son and tell Jason to convince the entire world that it was his.
Carly:  That's because Michael's real father was a conniving drunk.  But you had to be honorable and tell the truth.  And you know it broke Jason's heart to give up that little boy.
Robin:  AJ was Michael's real father.  He had the right to know.
Okay, what about the right of your baby's father?  Or are you going to have him sign those away upfront?
Robin:  You know what?  You are way out of line.
You asked my husband to father your kid, and I'm out of line?
Robin:  Jax would be the most amazing father and it's really a shame that you're too selfish to give him one of his own.

Okay, so, Carly was being a gigantic bitch, but . . . well, that's like saying the sun rose in the east today.  Robin is the one who really irritated me.  "Bastard son"?  "You're too selfish to give" a man a baby?  Ugh, who IS this person?  Her baby rabies is out of character enough, but now she's all up in other people's child-rearing decisions.  I would like Original Recipe Robin back, please.  Jeez.


So, if you're keeping track, James Craig is Jerry Jax and is now also Moreau the mobster?  That gets a big "whatever" from me.  As if what this show needed was more mafia.

But Sebastian Roche speaking French did make me a little weak in the knees.  Yummy.


So, Nikolas has an inoperable brain tumor.  Uh-huh.  Sure he does.  I'm so totally convinced he's going to die, I'll just be biting my nails to the quick, worried about that outcome.  Speaking of which, I don't mean to be rude, but since Dead Emily has secured a good colorist and makeup artist in....wherever it is that she is, could she not track down a manicurist?


Yikes.  I guess she's just too busy continuing to be giddy about being dead.



I seriously have no idea what the hell the writers were thinking about with this dumbass story.  It did, however, bring a small amount of joy into my TV-viewing life last week, with Lucky and Lulu's family resemblance really coming out when Nikolas told them the news.



Hee.  This show is kind of on roll with these entertainingly in sync moments.





Here's hoping for more in-sync hilarity in 2008.  And, you know, way less of the total disaster that is almost every other aspect of this show.

Most screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.


GH has become crippingly stupid. The other good thing that you forgot to mention was that Carly was not going to immediately get what she wanted--a baby on demand. I suppose the writers forgot the plotline where Carly and Jax were kidnappers last year so they might want to rethink their childrearing capabilities...especially with Scarface, Jr. in the house. It is like watching a tragic car wreck--- wishing you could turn away yet mesmerized by the horror and carnage that is about to happen. Isn't there some sort of malpractice that comes with crashing a show this effectively?

GH has become crippingly stupid. The other good thing that you forgot to mention was that Carly was not going to immediately get what she wanted--a baby on demand. I suppose the writers forgot the plotline where Carly and Jax were kidnappers last year so they might want to rethink their childrearing capabilities...especially with Scarface, Jr. in the house. It is like watching a tragic car wreck--- wishing you could turn away yet mesmerized by the horror and carnage that is about to happen. Isn't there some sort of malpractice that comes with crashing a show this effectively?

Two things I loved for years about GH: The Nurse's Ball, and the Christmas episode, both gone. You're right. This HAS to be intentional.

Robin was way outta line, you dont expect anything else from Carly, but some of the shit Robin was spewing... The Bastard Son bugged me cos she was meant to love MyKill... Hrmmm.
I thought they both threw some punches but Robins hit wayyy too close.

I just caught up with the last few posts - hillarious as usual. It took me all of about 30 seconds to remember why I hated the character of Felicia so much - it's the voice! I never could stand her and I agree her story was ridiculous. Frisco needed her help??? Of course he did, afterall, he doesn't actually know any real spies or anything. Anna.. Robert... Hello?

Pam, your comment was worth repeating. LOL I loved the car wreck analogy.

Becca, great review!

The militaristic Jason cut isn't doing it for me. I think he simply has "bad" hair and it will not change. Poor guy, I guess he can't have everything.

I loved the "in-sync" hilarity moments.

I think Guza does hate Jesus - he prefers JAsus. I didn't even watch the Christmas show. I saw a preview and realized I couldn't do it. I'm glad I didn't. Thanks for going through the pain for us all.

It's sad when I look more forward to reading your posts "about" GH, rather than actually watching GH.

Robin owe, Carly that she can be a B, sometimes, good for Robin, if you can dish it you can take Carly, I like her but baby remenber were you came from, she get's to high on her horse sometimes, she does the same with Sam, that's why she slap her, time for Nik, tumor story to be over, and sent Emily to heaven, because she was so good, please, mourn, the chick, and get over it, he's a prince they don't mourn, that long, time for a new love that dark and beautiful Leyela.

I have to agree with V...Guza must hate Jesus and prefer Jasus....it's the only explanation...well that and when they fired Stuart it probably didn't dawn on these short-sighted nincompoops that they had just went and royally screwed the traditional GH Christmas party. It probably dawned on them in like November...after Thanksgiving...when they started decorating the set for Christmas....three days after the end of the Halloween ball. And I'm sure the answer was "Well they will be so concerned with jason's secret pain that he doesn't take the blaringly obvious steps of leaving the mob to end that they won't care about that stuff. That stuff was only important because it was about the Qs not having Jason there anyways."

And they cut my Lucky/Liz/the boys scene for why exactly? (it did exist....I have medianet pics to prove it)

Hee! Loved the moment of Spencer sibling indenticalness.....now if only the show would have Lulu remember she is LUCKY'S sister instead of Jason's........

love the in synch moments. hate the show.

I hate Robin and Carly scenes. The show is so biased in their love of Carly. Plus Robin can say nothing and be a doormat or they fight and Carly's get excused cause she's Carly but with Robin she is either out of line/crazy or witch. Which is why if Carly's in the HIV pregnancy storyline, I'm tuning out.

this show is criminally stupid. i can't sit through an episode of this garbage without weeping for what's become of television writing.

Don't forget, they didn't just usher Lucas out of town, but they apparently put a ban on bringing up his name. I don't think he even got a mention during Georgie's funeral.

You know, I'd really pay money to see someone argue whether or not Guza or someone behind the helm is pushing some kind of conservative, "pro-family" message here. It's not as jaw-droppingly obvious as "Days" was under Riley (yet), but there is a pattern that became really apparent with the whole "Luke's hell is having to spend time with his family!" thing.

I'm starting to believe that's what keeps me watching: the sheer wierdness of a show that has a mob boss and a hitman as its heroes (not anti-heroes, but *heroes*) and yet also tells us that not wanting to have kids is downright evil.

Robin actually said "bastard son" regarding Michael? For some reason, I find that to be all kinds of funny. I mean, the kid is a little bastard in every sense of the word, right?

Robin would never call Michael a bastard, she helped raise that kid for a year and loved him.

Loved Jason's haircut, especially with Liz.

how could you forget the simultaneous bitchface from liz and lulu after lucky called them out for being in love with killers? that was priceless and deserved a screencap!

I was going to try and hold on to this show until it confirmed my worst suspicions and made Jax the father of Robin's baby via some kind of tacky sperm switch, but I can't do it any more. I just can't. I decided last night to not tape the episode today, and I actually felt relieved, for the love of God. GH is making me depressed. I realized the only enjoyment I get out of GH comes when its filtered through Serial Drama.

Becca, Mallory, you should set up a Pay Pal account so we can all donate to your Prozac fund for having to watch the entire show. Or tequila, whatever gets you through.

You know, as a gay man, I wasn't nearly as insulted/enraged at Julius as I perhaps should have been, just because I know it could have been SO MUCH WORSE! I mean, after the aneurysm-inducing caricature of the French Designer the other week, I was expecting a lisping, sashaying, cravat-sporting, puff-coif having poofter with a little pink poodle in his arms at all times. Instead, he was a rather pedestrian gay stereotype, but just fierce enough, in a fashion faggy sort of way, for me to sort of dig him.

He best step OFF, though! Max is MY hunk of dumb beefcake (UO, I know)!!! This nerd will cut a bitch if it has to! *LOL*

As someone who does not advocate violence, I wouldn't want harm on anyone...and saying this, is there any way we can hope someone ties up Carly to a post and punches her in the face repeatedly? Perhaps Robin? Or Patrick? Or Jax? I would want it to be Jax for all the crap he has to put up from her. I would actually watch that-and like I stated before, I'm not one for violence.

Now now, no fighting over Max. There's enough of him for everyone who wants him. Can't we just share the love?

"Does this mean a re-Q'ing is in the works?! If only."

You know, this has crossed my mind a lot lately too. Not that I think Guza actually has the brain to write a good story, but I think this would be a wonderful plot for Jason's character, and I actually might start caring about him. Can you imagine if he got into another accident and could only remember life as a Quartermaine? How awesome would that be? Of course, Monica would then have to explain to him that his father, his grandmother, his brother, and his little sister are all dead. Did I miss anyone?

Guza sucks and needs to be fired...like now!

And in the recap for this week you can talk about yet another walking gay stereotype, the guy at the art gallery. Apparently the L.A. writers think that every man in NYC is an over the top gay man who is predatory and/or bitchy.

Jason's hair looks worse than ever, and I couldn't even blame Robin. Carly is such a delusional bitch that Robin also has to say crazy things to even get her attention. Bastard son and blaming her for not wanting to have a baby are ridiculous, but everyone irl says things they don't mean in a fight and Carly is more provoking than any actual person. Carly's been repeating the same lines and getting up in Robin's face for 10 years, and if Robin ever admitted Carly had a point about anything after all this endless "carly whines and plays victim" crap it would be a slap in the face to the audience too. If I have to hear Carly tell one more person they're cold, self-righteous, jealous, judgmental, my irony meter will break.

I think someone should start a petition to rename "The Darwin Awards" to "The Guza Awards."

What?! Reading the comments above, GH is making Jax Robin's baby daddy instead of Patrick, sighs. GH is truly stuck on stupid. It just seems like GH continues to punish Robin for being HIV-positive, where she will never have a child by the man she loves or get married because GH sees the character as damaged good.

The better HIV pregnancy storyline would have been Patrick conquering his fear of fatherhood and falling in love with his child. As someone who works in a hospital, it is a slap in the face how the writers make it so easy to mix up sperm samples.

It just saddens me that instead of focusing of the ups and downs of having this HIV pregnancy, once again GH is going for sleaze when getting pregnant and carrying the baby to term would have been a better story than another Who's the Daddy storyline that lazy and uncreative GH is opting to do.

"But Sebastian Roche speaking French did make me a little weak in the knees. Yummy."

All his speaking French did for me was to give me another language in which to say to him: "Eh bien, mon vieux, voulez-vous enfin vous laver bientot le visage et les cheveux? Ils me semble tres sales, vous comprenez."

(Well, old man, do you think you'll get around to washing your hair and face sometime soon? I'm thinking they look pretty dirty!)

He's got way too much facial shine and hair goop for my taste.

I can't believe I'm gonna do this. Ladies, I apologize in advance. Unfortunately, it is my duty to knee-jerk defend deadEmily. Since the Head 15-Year-old in Charge was quoted in one of the mags as saying she was nothing more than a figment of Nikolas's tumor-addled imagination, wouldn't HE be the one making her giddy about being dead? Making her fingernails that short? Making her put on a coat to go outside when, you know, she's dead and cold really shouldn't be a factor? I'm afraid I'm going to have to squarely pin this one on Nikolas.

And why do I have a feeling that Guza jerks off nightly to the notion that he's finally got a female character who is literally a puppet for a male character? You know, so he doesn't have to worry about that pesky characterization or evolution or motivation any longer. I envision Stepford General Hospital in just a matter of years. Heck, we're practically halfway there anyway.

I can't believe I've put this much thought into Figily and Tumolas, but it's better than the homicidal thoughts I've been having about Frons, Guza, and Phelps in a bag with a pack of wild cats.

Does anyone know who, if anyone, will be writing for the show once the shows in the can run out? Unless the strike is over soon, that should be soon. Thankfully, whoever it is they couldnt do much worse.

Mazz, they have scab writers in place. Some people are saying the new writers material is already airing but I'm nto positive.

I think the scab writers must be in place at this point. Otherwise why have we been subjected to two straight days of Alexis and Diane getting excited about some lame award? Also, the ridiculous storyline about Epiphany's son. I am sorry, but am I supposed to care? Cause I don't.

The truly sad thing would be if this was one of Guza's episodes, which it could very possibly be. God, I hate that man.

"What?! Reading the comments above, GH is making Jax Robin's baby daddy instead of Patrick, sighs. GH is truly stuck on stupid. It just seems like GH continues to punish Robin for being HIV-positive, where she will never have a child by the man she loves or get married because GH sees the character as damaged good."

Gillian, I am not sure about this, its a rampant online rumor. However, its so tacky, disrespectful, horrible, and brainless that it sounds like EXACTLY what GH would do. Sigh.

When will the dignity be restored to this show? There's such an inverted morality in favour of Sonny and Jason. Where is Mac, Robert, Anna? Enough already of the mobular gummybear mobsters.

Where's the maturity expected in long-term characters? I'd hoped that Carly would at least, be an adult by now. Or at least she was...for a time until the hack writers ruined her.

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