I Don't Know Why People Make Fun of Soaps

. . . or why Passions got canceled.

From last week's Soap Opera Digest, about Passions:

In 2007, Vincent, who, thanks to some peculiar gender irregularities can have sex as a man or a woman, passed himself off as Valerie and had sex with Julian.  Vincent got pregnant and is now carrying his father's child.

!!!!!

I feel like such a sheltered viewer, since the weirdest things I've sat through are a demonic possession and an island of undead people.

I dare anyone to come up with a two-sentence summary of any of a soap plotline that is as disturbingly insane as that.  Truly, I dare you -- in the comments.  I need soap edumacating, apparently.

Comments

[Danny]

In 2007, Georgie Jones developed a crush on computer hacker Damian Spinelli. She went on to say that Carly Corinthos-Jax had good instincts.

[Becca]

Hee! Excellent. Truly horrifying.

[Chad]

A Something Awful review of the show stated succinctly that "Passions" storylines were directed by one principle: "Wouldn't it be cool if this happened?!"

The writers General Hospital have been leaning toward that approach to storytelling more and more, although at least I don't *think* Bob Guza would ever make Sonny a bisexual hermaphrodite and Claudia is really the expression of his repressed feminine side...although at least it would be different than Mob War Story #9717.

[Robyn]

That's hard to beat. On GL, didn't Reva say something to Josh like, "You didn't save me because you were too busy having sex with my clone?"

And don't forget OLTL's Vikki dying, and having her eternal judgement trial on a spaceship to heaven.

[Madelyn]

A friend and I were just laughing over this last night, in the -- JOSH IS A REVEREND? REVA IS A PSYCHIC? way.

So stealing from wikipedia, because I just don't think I can do any better than this:

Reva underwent many transformations: she had been a vixen (having married a father and two sons of the same family), a manic-depressive, an Amish woman, presumed dead more than once (most recently, a clone was made from her DNA), the princess of a little-known island nation named San Cristobel, a time traveler, a Civil War belle, a French woman, a woman who saved illegal immigrants from certain death, a talk show host, a psychic, a cancer survivor, and last, but not least, a loving mom and devoted wife, not necessarily in that order. Since 2005, Reva began to experience menopause. In her early days, as originally created by headwriter Pam Long, she was a spirited troublemaker; the episode where Reva "baptized" herself the "Slut of Springfield" in a public fountain is generally regarded to be one of the best in soap opera history.

[truetalltales]

I'm sorry I can't beat that plotline, I'd be afraid to try. With crap like that, it's a wonder Passions lasted this long.

[Becca]

These are all awesome, but Madelyn, that whole Reva thing is truly brilliant in its ridiculousness. I read this -- "the episode where Reva "baptized" herself the "Slut of Springfield" in a public fountain is generally regarded to be one of the best in soap opera history" -- and thought, there's no way that's on YouTube, right? But it is. Oh, it is. Praise be: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=366qDdlKZsE

[Sarah]

"Peculiar gender irregularities?" Does that hurt?

I wish that condition was what Robin was researching on GH. Then she could cure all the local mobsters in PC!

How creepy and tragic that I now remember fondly the glow sex between Anna and her daughter's pet alien Casey. Ahhhh, long live Planet Lumina. TIIC must have had a Scientologist on staff back then.

[Sarah]

And AMEN to Danny's summation. They killed Georgie's mind months before her body.

[esp13]

How about this from Soap Central:

Cassie and Rex were originally known as the Gemini twins, and landed in Salem in the meteor shower of July 2002. They were naked, couldn't speak, and were believed to be aliens. They were taken in by Shawn and Belle Brady, who delighted in teaching them to speak, and in teaching them about humanity. When they twins were taken by Agent Spector for testing, it was discovered that they were indeed human, and the results of genetic engineering.

They were originally believed to be the product of Marlena and Tony (she remembered giving birth to them during her captivity) but were later determined to be the children of Kate and Roman created by Stefan from genetic material stolen during Roman's captivity and Kate's time as a Stefano's call girl.

Okay, so that might be more than two sentences, but you have to admit it's almost at a Passions level of WTFness.

[Telaryn]

Don't need two sentences -- I'll match you with two words:

Unaborted Fetus.

[Beth R.]

Well played Telaryn...well played.

[lascuba]

Do I need to describe AW's final episode--with the dancing gorilla--again?

I'm not so good with the sentence-making, but Days had Sub!Sex and Mine!Sex, as well as Tony/Andre getting mauled by a tiger.

[Sarah]

I'll see your tiger mauling and raise you a chimp with a man made virus wiping out small villages and PC vets.

[Chad]

Oh, I almost forgot to try my own entry...

A young middle-class couple team up with a secret agent to help thwart a scheme by a Russo-Greek aristocratic family to extort money from world governments. The key ingredient to their plan is a large uncut diamond, needed for a machine that can create blizzards.

It still doesn't come close to touching that "Passions" story. The incest angle on top of everything else really pushes it beyond the pale.

[Kat]

"Don't need two sentences -- I'll match you with two words:

Unaborted Fetus."

There have been some fantastic entries, but Teralyn has my vote for the hands down best.

Can it be an addendum to the original insane summary?

"It was not clear at first whether Vincent was pregant by his father Julian or by his uncle Chad, who everyone originally thought was Julian's son with Eve. In actuality, Julian's father was Chad's father, which made Chad happy since he could get back together with Eve's daughter, who he'd thought was his sister."

I almost feel like it's cheating to use passions though--mermaid conjuring, time reversals, ape nurses...it's too easy.

[Snarkgirl]

Vampires. Vampire Slayers.

Ah, PC was so fun.

[Tess]

Suddenly those segments on The Soup about Chad having sex with Vincent but not being gay finally make sense to me!

[betz]

I got one: Tracy is the real love of Luke's life.

[Cori]

I'm not sure I can top any of the stories mentioned here (unaborted fetus, etc), but just a random tidbit about the actor from Wikipedia:

"Phillip Kitsing Jeanmarie (born October 6, 1978 in Los Angeles, California) is an American actor best known for portraying Max Cooper, the Blue Shark Ranger in Power Rangers: Wild Force and as intersexed villain Vincent Clarkson, son of Julian Crane and Eve Russell, on the daytime soap opera Passions from December 2006 to present."

I've heard of wanting to break out of the "kiddie role" mode with more "daring" projects but damn...this takes the cake.

[Matthew]

RealRoman was presumed dead in Salem until John Black came in and thought he was Roman, which lasted until RealRoman came back and left again, only to be replaced by Chris Kositchek. Then RealRoman came back and was on the same show as John and Chris, only he was Alex, which means every Roman has been both Roman and not Roman on the same show.

[JL]

Telaryn beat me to it. Unaborted Fetus was exactly what I was going to post. I do love me some Fetus now though. But that was one horrifyingly bad storyline.

[Danny]

Telaryn beat me by a nose... but the rest of you? Come on! This blog and its comments are about being bitchy not literal.

Unaborted fetus. Well played.

[LOL!]

AMC's Dixie got poisoned via pancakes.

YR had the murder via thunder thighs.

Spinelli had sex with a serial killer.

MY favorite was OLTL's. After two tornados swept Llanview, Kevin Buchanan found his son naked in the church rectory with his fiancee, Kelly Cramer, after they had sex.

[TJ]

Man, it is hard to top that one! Here are some of the only other ones I can think of that might even remotely come close:

On DAYS, Austin and Greta found themselves imprisoned in Virtual Eden, where they were forced to wear nothing but fig leaves and undergo a series of tests, most of which involved wildly overacting day players, to prove they possessed all of the Virtues.

On SANTA BARBARA, Amy Perkins found herself pregnant with the Crown Prince of New Stailand because she had been in the wrong cubicle at the gynecologist's. She gave birth in a barn as the camera panned to a star in the sky. Before she and her boyfriend Brick had even had a chance to take this all in, it turned out that he was the real Channing Capwell Jr. thanks to Minx Lockridge switching the babies at birth, which meant that the guy everyone had thought was Channing in the end turned out to be the son of circus performers.

DAYS: "The role of Belle Black is now being played by Charity Rahmer."

[KLe]

"Spinelli had sex with a serial killer."

Spinelli had sex. Outrageous.

[Beth]

Casey the Alien. And Sonny the Mobster with the Heart of Gold.

[Matthew]

Chloe sees through Helena's eyes after Helena tries to kill her.

[Beth R.]

Brain damaged mafia hitman sires secret son and tells the entire town. Entire town rallies around him, extolling his virtues as a kind, generous, giving, loving person who just happens to kill people for a living.

Not as good as "Unaborted Fetus" but I had to try.