The War on Brunettes

I think we've all made bad hair decisions. Mallory was once briefly a redhead, a tragic decision that still haunts her.  For my 30th birthday, I decided to get highlights for the first time ever.   I had no idea what to ask for, so I said to the colorist, whom I had never met before, at a random spa:  "Just do whatever you think will look best.  I trust you!"

Right.  You can see where this is going.  It was a disaster.  "Don't look at me!  I'm hideous!"  Anyway, all that's to say that we all make hair mistakes.  Lately, I've felt bad for a couple of actresses on GH, because their hair-don'ts are plastered all over the airwaves nationwide.  But there's a silver lining to this: I think there's a way we can blame GH! (Coming soon: How we can blame GH for global warming, and pigeon overpopulation.)

I just don't think it's possible that all of these actresses independently made similarly horrible decisions -- the GH showrunners must be behind this obvious war on brunettes. 

We've been complaining for a while now about what the spectacularly beautiful Rebecca Herbst has done to her formerly gorgeous dark hair. It used to be that when GH got truly awful (you know, for about 4.5 hours every week), I could rely on her dark, shiny, perfectly styled hair to inspire me to greatness, pulling me out of my soapy doldrums. No longer.

Don't try to sway me with fabulous bitchface, missy.  That hair is awful.

Sure, call your friends.  But if they haven't helped you before now, they don't really love you.  They're not good people.  Do they perhaps kill human beings for a living?

I'd be blue too, Becky/Liz.  That is just the saddest ponytail ever.  There's just so much wrongness.  The roots, the highlights, the high bangs . . . it's like every bad early-90s hair trend on one poor defenseless head all at once.

And the bad-hair-edness doesn't end there.

Kimberly McCullough is adorable, and I think many of us could relate when she got the too-short bangs last year.  These things happen.  What does not kill us makes us stronger.  Or at least makes us commit to a more conservative approach to haircutting. 

Here's the thing, though.  With the bangs issue, don't you think you'd double your efforts to make sure your styling and color were perfect?  The sadists who do GH's hairstyling apparently disagree.  First there was that horrible half-braided thing they did for Robin's pivotal scenes after Georgie's [senseless, horribly written] death:

 

And last week the weirdness continued

This is...not awful, though not especially flattering.  But then, much like the mullets of yore, the party in the back catches you off guard.  And is terrifying.

Perhaps Kimberly is, unlike her character, a bit phobic about long-term involvements.  I can relate.  But semi-permanent haircolor is a widely available option!  Consistent color without a long-term commitment.  It would have been an excellent solution.

But good news!  There was another mostly excellent solution, one that at long last she did choose (I imagine over the weekend, sneaking out from under the watchful eye of GH security thugs, assigned to ensure that no actress dares look her best onscreen lest she detract from the godliness of Jason and Sonny).

I speak, of course, of the haircut.

It's cute!  It will hopefully help grow out those bangs, and the length is much more flattering on her.  However, if they weren't going to cut off all the red, couldn't the cut have been paired with at least a rinse?  Oh well, baby steps.  Oh god, did I say "baby"?  Kimberly McCullough is probably going to hunt me down and kick me in the shins -- I imagine she gets all twitchy just having to read that word anywhere close to her name these days, what with Robin's baby rabies having become the sum total of the character's personality.

Anyway, back to the important stuff:  hair and clothes.

Perhaps the worst of the GH war on brunettes is what they've done to poor Kelly Monaco (or, god forbid, what she's done to herself).  It's bad enough she has to portray Sam of a Thousand Nonsensical Backstories, now this.

Who looks at Kelly Monaco and says, you know, what would be really great is if she looked ten years older, and like she gets her color done in the trailer next door? 

She's so pretty, with great coloring for her naturally dark hair!  What the hell?!

What is that?

Also, while I appreciate that they no longer have her traipsing around in tank tops throughout the fall and winter, is there a reason they've decided to dress Sam as if the next stop after her fling with Lucky is a nunnery?  I mean, if I had her body, I would walk around in this every day.  But while I don't expect GH to go quite that far, and I appreciate a bit of diversity in Sam's wardrobe, the turtlenecks -- particularly when paired with this unfortunate new hairdo -- are uncalled for.

The wardrobe department did make a good decision with this beret, however.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously, sweetie.  It's a real problem when I think a freaking beret is an improvement.  Please beat the GH hairstylist senseless and get thee some drugstore hair color.  While you're there, could you pick up a package for your co-stars?  Thanks!

Most screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

Comments

[Beth R.]

I think you are right...I think that while for whatever reason they could not talk sense into Steve Burton about the dead animal on his head....there was a memo that went out that as long as he looked bad...no one else could look good. ( I also think Guza is still convinced that Jacob Young plays Lucky and that's why Greg could get away with looking better than him and Jacob had the faux Hanson do...)

And yes while I am all for a more appropraite wardrobe where Sam is concerned....seriously she's never been what a normal person would call a conservative dresser....Remember tank top in the middle of a blizzard? And wearing sandals to walk outside? (Of course that could also support my theory of every time a female is involved with Jason her brain goes directly to her boobs....something to think about)

Sometimes I seriously think the hair department is all shippy like the online world and the hairstyles are their way of taking out their frustration on Guza's writing in a passive-aggressive way. "You want to break up Scrubs for nonsense? Well here..I'll make Kimberly look like this!" "Seriously? Jason and Liz as the next big couple? Well how do you like THIS hair huh Guza? huh?"

[k]

in the last picture Sam looks like Spinelli...which is just horrible on every level conceivable.

[Kirsten]

Oh GOD!
Now I have the image of a Sam/Spinelli love child in my head!
AIEEEEE!

[zarathelawyer]

Yes, Sam's really pushed it over the edge. And I saw some old clips of Becky from a few years back with the gorgeous dark hair and it just made the current style - which kind of crept up on me - stand out as being unpleasant.

[Janaynay]

Oh, but didn't Kate's hair look PHENOMENAL at the art gallery thing? Man, I was so jealous.

[M]

Loving Kimberly's new cut. I hope the bangs are on their way out, but they don't bother me as much with the new 'do.

Earth to Kelly Monaco...it looks AWFUL!!!! I'd sooner pull a Britney and shave it than have to deal with that nastiness. And the curls, what are they thinking?!?!

[Alice]

I know this sounds strange, but I have been thinking a lot about the hair styles on GH. Specifically, I have been wondering if there is a new trend in California, which has infected the show (supposedly set in Upstate New York), for hair to be really ugly. You know, back in the 70's people did very strange things to their hair in the name of fashion. I thought maybe now in California, the straggly, weirdly colored, unnaturally braided hair was all the rage. How else to explain that not only did the hair people allow the actors to leave the studio with these dos, they actually created them to be shown on national television!

Kimberly McCullough is not the most beautiful girl on the show but there are days when she is a real knockout. Why then does the show allow her to look so bad so often? And why take the women with the absolute best hair on TV, Becky Herbst and Kelly Monaco, and color, highlight and all-around torture their hair until it looks tired and dull? Must everyone be a blond? Is that also the California influence?

Ah, questions for the ages!

[Nicole]

Ok, seriously ladies. Are one or both of you going to start watching OLTL? Today, as I was watching it on Tivo, and reflecting on its awesomeness, I thought of you both and how much you're missing out! Please add this show to your blog!!

[Becca]

I wish we could, but 1) we have no time (check out the FAQ), and 2) it's harder to be hypercritical of shows that are actually good! Keep an eye out for an announcement in the coming days, though, that might be welcome news to you and other fans of shows we don't blog about.

[Lisa]

OMG, I don't watch GH, only read here, so I haven't seen KMo in a while...OMG! She looks a good decade older--note those forehead lines in the first snap, and with those curls, looks like BH! Is it some character choice, to show Sam's trying to look like Liz, and thus is going more BSC than she already is?

[Amy B]

I was literally thinking this exact thing when the atrocity that is Kelly Monaco's new do showed up onscreen. I have tolerated, with eye rolls of course, BH's progressively bad highlights but now the vendetta (Yikes, I inadvertantly used vendetta in a sentance!) against gorgeous brunette women has overtaken the entire show.
Kimberly McC and Natalia L.'s hair woes are well documented, and poor dead Georgie - I won't even go there. But now Liz looks terrible, Dr. Kelly Lee of the sleek black Asian glory is pulled back into shabby ponytails, and Sam and Alexis apparently decided to do some mother / daughter bonding over the peroxide rack at Walgreens.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Boredom perhaps? A backasswards attempt to drive away viewers in an effort to bring about a Guza ouster?
Or is Guza so intent in his Lulu/Carly2.0 love that he is subconsciously preparing us for the day when GH has NO women other than uber-blondes Carly and Lulu? Oh except for the hilarious comedy relief foils such as Epiph. and Diane that will be overused and charicatured into oblivion. Come on - we can all see Skye and Kate (the two remaining gorgeous maned non-blondes on the show) as impending mob violence victims.
I can tolerate alot in the name on an ongoing soap but boring stories and ugly hair together - the kiss of death. Maybe the hair / makeup people are showing solidarity to the striking writers by not ACTUALLY doing their jobs.
Poor poor Kelly Monaco. Sniffle. (But then I remember that she still looks just as good underneath all those fugly clothes and gets to work in close proximity to Greg Vaughn.) She will survive.
AB

[callie lee]

What the hell did they do to Kelly Monaco's hair??? Now, I'm not a particular fan of Sam or the actress (I know, it's not fair, but there it is), but good heavens!!! The girl has gorgeous dark hair, the type that I'd dye my blonde hair for if it would look anything like that. Why, why, why.

I think I need warm milk and a blankie now.

[Timepass]

I know that Rebecca-Liz asks GH to darken her hair, and they told her there was too many Brunette on the show! She said so at her last Fans event! Would you believe it!

As for Kelly, well she looks like crap lately, but so does her stories! I am for one relieve to NOT constantly seeing her girls every dam show! I'm glad she at last receive the memo from the fashion world that showing your girls is now a no no in fashion! What a relief!

[Chimène]

Thank you for this "War on Brunettes" commentary. It's a subject of great interest for many of us raven-haired women who value our crowning heritage. (Yes, the pun's intended!)

Rebecca Herbst and Kelly Monaco are very beautiful in their natural dark hair.

Miss Monaco has more than a slight resemblance to the young Elizabeth Taylor, in my opinion. After Emily Q's funeral, she shared a quiet scene with Greg Vaughn in an unlit restaurant. What struck me as I watched, was the correspondence between her sweet behavior and the way she looked: her dark curls were demurely coiffed and she was attired simply in a black coat adorned by a perfect white rose. Her lustrous face and shining eyes emerged from the dark frame of her hair and coat as she handed the rose to him amidst the gloom; to me the duo-chromatic understatement contributed to the drama's emotional power.

And who can forget Miss Herbst, modeling a classically stark Audrey Hepburn look in that plain black evening gown and the tiara-anchored upswept dark hair--while simultaneously evoking the (in)famous portrait of "Madame X" by John Singer Sargent--in one of her tenderest scenes with Steve Burton in 2001? Great stuff, achieved in part by the contrast of those expressive dark eyebrows against her piquant ivory face and the vulnerability suggested by her pale young body sheathed in such unaccustomed sophistication.

[Jessica]

I love Kelly Monaco's dark hair. She's gorgeous! I like Becky's dark hair too. I they would dye their hair back. My hair is dark blonde and I wish I could look good with dark hair like theirs.

[Missy]

Kimberly's recent hair cut is gorgeous (when it's straight). I'm not too fond of it when it's wavy.

[gabe]

whatever the case may be some of these people who have these types of hair mistakes get to look crapy sometimes it's what some of them deserve. Well, ones that think they are better than everyone else just because they are on tv. And no I am not just saying that, I had a run it with a tv star that acted like that and treated me like garbage. No one deserves to be treated that way.
That actor had a really bad hair cut well at least I thought so, and I was thinking oh well they got what they deserved for acting that way. I don't want to say who it was that I ran into though, because it would start a big controversy if someone happened to be a fan of this person.

[Nick]

When Samn first got the highlights it was nice. They were mainly in the front and looked really natural. Thennn they went ahead and made her all overly tan calico cat like! She is back to brunette and I am loving it!
Robin.. thank god for cutting out the red, it was so brassy and i am loving her being back to her natural color! The cut is very nice when straight, but when they ATTEMPT to curl it.. UGH it is a mess!
As for Elizabeth.. well I personally think she needs to change ehr hair.. the most recent is best. It isnt really blonde any more and she doesnt look like she teases the shit outta it either.
Carly's hair is my favorite!! I think she looks fab with curly or straight hair but I love it when she goes reallllly blonde!
How about Sarah Brown as Claudia guys?? Can you believe her leaving? I really want her to come back, i think it would be such a fun twist.. but please... make her blonde again.. the black is a little tooo harsh on her! especially since she is sooo freaking pale!

[E.I.]

I was just noticing in the opening credits that there are a TON of brunettes on GH and except for Carly, they're the best characters. Lulu's character is so sappy right now; okay Lisa/Fatal Attraction is pretty good, but Brenda, Olivia, Brooklynne, Kristina, Spinelli, Sonny -- the list goes on. Maybe they read your blog and got brunette power back on!

[Josie Maran]

WOW. nice baby. Kelly Monaco is my like baby on TV
http://kellymonaco.cz.cc

[joy at spa packages]

whatever the hair color, the character exists.
Whatever the skin color, the person exists.