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« Days of Our Lives Week in Review | Main | Can You Buy Self Awareness on Amazon? »

February 18, 2008

General Hospital Week in Review

There was no significant story movement, Patrick is all of a sudden operating with the intellect level of Spam, at this point I'm convinced that there is a backstage pact to make the Text Message Killer storyline the longest and yet least-involving in the history of the soap genre, and the Who Hit Sam? story has me bored before she's even out of the hospital, but weirdly . . . I didn't hate GH last week.  Maybe it's because the day-to-day dialogue still seems like it's a bit improved?  Or maybe it's the heavy medication and binge drinking.  I foreclose no possibility.  Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say, because taking out the storylines I hate and given the aforementioned lack of movement, almost nothing of interest happened.  But there were some fun (or "fun" in some cases) lines.


First off, I admit, not all the dialogue was good.  This, from when Alexis opened her front door holding a jar of spaghetti sauce, was probably the worst.

Diane:  Prego, the working woman's friend!
Alexis: It's heart smart, okay?
Diane: So is what's in here. ::points to wine::

You groaned in disgust just reading that, didn't you?  I hope Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesy went out and got drunk on that wine after shooting that scene, trying to drown their sorrows over being turned into shills for shitty pasta sauce.  First the V8 Fusion thing, now this. 

Someone in the comments said this is an ABC Daytime deal with Campbell's.  If that's the case, might I suggest alternate product pimping avenues?   For example, Patrick is in the hospital cafeteria and spills tomato juice on himself, requiring him to take off his shirt.  And possibly also his pants.  It could be a really big can of juice!  Or, Jax is out surfing (shirtless) and rehydrates with a quick tomato juice.  Or, Lucky is doing a police drill in which he gets shot, and they use tomato juice as fake blood, and then for the medical part of the drill a paramedic has to rip off his shirt.  Or, Ric is watching Molly and she spills her tomato juice all over his shirt, which he must immediately remove in order to clean.  Or if they're set on working products into dialogue, Logan could say "It's impossible for me to walk even a few feet without some huge anvil with 'serial killer red herring' etched into it slamming into my head.  You know what, I should have had a V8!"  (Oh, and he is shirtless.)

I have a thousand of these ideas!

Better yet, just put a picture of whatever crappy Campbell's product they want me to buy in the lower left-hand corner of the screen throughout the show.  Because I can tell you I am a thousand times more likely to buy any of those than I am to watch half the shit that ABC tries to push there normally.  Wife Swap?  Are they high?


Michael to Morgan:  I'll get Mom and Jax to sell you on the internet!

That is so disturbing.  Remember the good ol' days, when Sami tried to sell Belle on the black market?  Today's dysfunctional sibling relationships are so corrupted by technology!


Sonny:  Do not go anywhere near guns.  I don't care if you're trying to protect your mother from the bad guys or what.  If I hear or see you going anywhere near a gun, you better run, and keep running.  You got that?

Unacknowledged hypocrisy and irony, with a side of violent threats, is the best parenting method.  I read that in an article once.

(BTW, can I just say that the generic "gangsta" rap they play whenever Michael comes near the gun makes me giggle uncontrollably?  It's such a compliment to the intelligence of the audience that the show is otherwise worried you wouldn't know that kids+guns=bad news.  Thank goodness for the helpful soundtrack!)


Claudia and Jason in Jake's was a fun nod to the old days of Carly and Jason.  Steve Burton almost seemed to be smirking.  Good stuff.  Oh, and Claudia?  I know she's a mafia princess and is sleeping with Sonny, plus overall the character has been written horribly, and therefore I should totally hate her, but come on:

Claudia:  What are you?
Spinelli:  Jackal.  Internet.  Cyberspace.
Claudia:  Mmm, well, you need to get out of your room more.


It's amazing how quickly I accepted Sarah Brown as a new character.  Almost as amazing as her arms.  I seriously need to know what her workout routine is.


When Spinelli and Jason were trying to break that alarm code, and Spinelli kept giving Jason the wrong code?  It should not have been as funny as it was.

Jason to Spinelli: You know what, maybe you should have brought Maxie.

Ha!  That should be the mantra of every person in Port Charles.  Unless maybe said someone is planning to attend a funeral, or lift something heavy. 

Kirsten Storms is actually looking much healthier these days (remember the thigh vs. lamp incident?), plus she is possessed with the magical ability to make Spinelli tolerable.  They should create a special Emmy just for her.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.


Can we just talk about Maxie's recent wardrobe. How is it that she's more suddenly more stylish than Kate Howard.

Love her, and love that Spinelli's developing feelings for her. Someone on this show isn't in love with Lulu. Novel idea, huh?

This show is beyond awful. Let me count the ways. I won't count them here though. JLex is not existent and its really beginning to work my last nerve. Krimee. Anyhow the few 4 second scenes almost passified me today. I forgot when they saw each other last really. So is going off and diggin Coop's grave supposed to redeem him? Darned it. I love psychosadist Jerry and I can excuse everything he's done but the amount of screen time he doesn't have with Alexis is really starting to make me feel a little crazy. (Damn you SR with that charisma--whew. I need to stop watching this show and then I can put you away and get back to real life.)
I don't suppose Guza cares about us JLex'ers out here. Oh thats right they aren't Carly, Sonny or Jason so screen time is nil like Scrubs. I would hope Sebastian Roche ditches this train wreck when his contract is up--seriously. I hadn't seen him before GH but from what I have seen with the abhorrent writing he has spun gold out of the crap hes been given plus NLG has someone who is at her calibur! SpinMaxie is genius also. I buy Claudia no problem. Otherwise just boil me out back already.

Diane is my new fave. on GH. Well...ok, she's the only thing I can even mildly tolerate on GH. The Diane and Alexis friendship that came out of nowhere - it makes me smile. And when Kristina was looking for her Little Mermaid doll, which was apparently outside, and Diane said "oh, she'll be a frozen fishstick!" - I laughed. Out loud. That was intentionally funny...right? Not some weird mob humor about swimming w/ the fishes or some such thing? And when they found the missing Ariel, Diane explained that she'd been doing the backstroke behind the couch and I laughed. Again. Sigh. Damn Guza for coming back.

sweeps has been snoozeworthy so far. if who hit sam was supposed to be the big story, they should've made me care about her first. but i don't. i've never liked her. and the only reason i care about who could've hit her is so that i can put them on my faves list.

i hope that claudia will do a little more than throw herself at all the other mobsters in PC. i thought she was supposed to shake things up. so far she's only taken things off.

and i noticed you didn't bother getting into the ric/marianna thing. good for you. because it's as obnoxious as the product plugs.

They should create a special Emmy just for her.
i couldnt agree more!

I have fallen in love with Maxie & Spin.

and Michael telling Morgan he would get jax & carly to seel him on the internet was the funniest non-maxie moment in recent soap history

my GH viewing has been limited lately, so excuse me while i take a moment to simultaneously laugh and give a WTF face to the following line:

Michael to Morgan: I'll get Mom and Jax to sell you on the internet!

seriously? i know there's sibling rivalry and what not, but seriously?

i actually think Maxie is my new fave. she is quite a character when she has something she is passionate about, not just seeking to hurt others. i flove the dynamic between Maxie and Spin, and i even like Spin's old-fashion Sherlock fantasies. ha!

Guza just wants to live vicariously thru his heroic characters Jason and Sonny. He probably always wanted to be a big ole crime boss himself but didn't have the balls.

Can the Ric/Marianna thing be more contrived, forced and stupid???? There is ZERO chemistry, and the actress who now plays Marianna needs to take some lessons. I love Ric, and want to see him turn his life around with the help of a good woman, but NOT HER! Stop this travesty now!

Love Alexis and Diane. More more!

Sarah Brown used to be a gymnast, so I think her arms have been, like, programmed to look like that since before puberty. Sigh. I wish I could just wake up with those. I like Sarah in her new part, but seriously, do they have to make EVERY new character come on by getting infatuated with Sonny?

Sometimes my big problem with soaps is watching them now and seeing all the legacy characters and how dependent they are on some of them, and then looking at the younger set and realizing that my kids won't have anyone equal to the Quartermaines, or crazy Marlena and John, or Reva on GL, or Stephanie on B&B, because they'll all be long gone and the younger set has almost nothing epic going on at all. Nothing that would save the soaps, anyway. You were right that GH blew their shot at a legacy by killing Georgie. And if Sonny is still everyone's favorite heartthrob in Port Charles when I am 50 and he is 80, I will barf.

I luv Maxie.

Her scene with Mac was heartbreakingly great -- Speaking about losing Jesse, Coop, Georgie, her mom (dead to her) and "I don't even have my own heart." Awe, Maxie.

I have two comments to/about Guza:

1 - Please walk your butt over to Shonda Rimes office and ask her how writing the characters the way SHE wanted them played iso listening to the audience is working out for her.

2. - Actually this is more towards PTB over at GH and the negs over Guza's contract. I got a phone call from Guza's village - they are missing their idiot and would like him home as soon as possible. Throw his dumb ass to the curb. PLEASE!!!

In answer to your last question from the first paragraph:
Um, are you just NOW figuring that out?!

My Maxie rawks. Like totally! Can Ruru get hit by a bus already?

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