This Effing Show

There was a time in my life when I thought that the ridiculous decision to reveal that James Craig is actually a short, blonde, face transplanted Jerry Jacks was the dumbest thing that General Hospital had done in years and that they'd need to exert considerable effort in order to top that.

And we all know that the GH powers-that-be exert effort as often as they give screentime to Jacklyn Zeman. After all, WHY write for a dozen characters when you can just have the same four people have the same conversation every day? And WHY write stories about women being strong and independent when you can just use scripts from the 1950s and have women on your show solely to be victims or incubators? And WHY dress your cast in clothes that seem like they could be sold in actual stores when you can instead borrow hats from kindly grandmothers?

But that was foolish. Because the GH powers-that-be DO sometimes work hard to do something and when they do it, they are unfailingly committed to it. Unfortunately, that "something" is not "creating an entertaining, engaging soap opera" but is, rather "rewrite history with a blatant disregard for medical science, an overriding lack of originality and a massive amount of disrespect for the audience watching at home".

This is a lengthy way of saying that I despised today's big reveal of the Text Message Killer. That's the best they could do? In the words of Cam, "Bitch, please".

I had been convinced that the TMK was going to be Coop, which I thought was stupid.

Then it seemed like the TMK was going to be that creepy guy at Kelly's, which I also thought was stupid and really, really lazy.

And then for three minutes it seemed like it was going to be Logan, which, surprisingly, I also thought was stupid, because, seriously, why waste the ingenious casting of Josh Duhon as Kin Shriner's son just to make him a serial killer? I realize that I'm expecting a lot of the evil Guza/Phelps/Frons union by asking them to use that sort of earth logic, but even for them, it would be stupid.

But DIEGO?

I just...I thought GH was better than that. Which isn't saying much, but still, even for them, it's just...pitiful.

For starters--and I say this as a longtime soap fan who knows that dead rarely means dead and instead usually means "hiding somewhere and getting a new personality and/or face"--we saw him get shot. We saw his shooting lead to the single most embarrassing onscreen moment of Ted King's career. I had tried to repress it. Some things are best left unremembered and that is one of them.

Secondly...this insane instance of history rewriting is not only RIDICULOUS but UNORIGINAL as they have already ONCE thrown Diego under the bus and declared him the perpetrator of a crime that they obviously didn't intent on him being responsible for at the outset of that story. Remember when he was a stalker who drugged college girls and took pictures of them in a bizarre and terribly written way to get revenge on them for what they did to Sage? What did Ignacio Serricchio do to these people?  He's so very pretty, is it possible that they are jealous of him because of it? Their hatred of Kelly Monaco, Greg Vaughan and Jason Thompson does indicate an anti-hot people bias. I will have to research this theory of mine more, with lots of time spent looking at screencaps.

I really feel like the only way I could hate this storyline more is if the TMK was actually not Diego Alcazar but instead Diego of Go, Diego, Go fame.

It's like the writers said, "We probably shouldn't have the serial killer be a vet, because it might send the message that we really hate vets, what with all of the instances of vets on our show being crazy and violent and evil, so Coop and Logan are out. But who would be really shocking? Hmm...oooh, I know! Someone who is DEAD! That would COMPLETELY shock people. Maybe...hmm. This is tough. We could have it be AJ, but I'm sort of uncomfortable having that many Quartermaines on the show. We just whittled it down to Monica and Edward, you know? Bringing AJ back would be Quartermaine overload. Too bad Stephen Nichols is on Days, or else we could just have it be Stefan. And damn, why did we have to make it clear that it was a man? We could have explained it away as another wacky Helena scheme. Oh! We can just use whatshisface. That guy. We always use to blame stuff on him. Awesome. Daytime Emmy, here I come!"

On the one hand, this is typical GH and I really shouldn't even be irritated about it, much less angry, and yet here I am, completely pissed off at the writers and producers of this show, because, seriously? The only way it could be more apparent that they had no idea who the TMK was at the start of the story would be to have the words "We totally pulled this one out of our ass, guys, thanks for watching! Buy Campbell's Soup and drink V-8! XOXO, GH Writers" written on a scroll at the bottom of the screen.

It's insulting, really. They killed off Emily Quartermaine and Georgie Jones, two legacy characters who could drive story for decades to come, as part of a murder mystery and they couldn't even be bothered to do justice to these longtime characters and decide at the outset who was going to kill them. Nice. Instead of keeping this show on the air, why not just send everyone in the audience an autographed photo of Bob Guza giving us all the finger? It would be much more cost effective.

Comments

[joanne]

AMEN! (I wish I could make that 80-million pt. font.)

[Michele]

Wow, I'm so glad the show was so boring today I stopped watching after 21 minutes. Freaking Diego?

I'm having a Gob Bluth moment: "COME ON!" I'm switching to Horrible People.

[Sarah]

Diego is also the one who really raped Laura at the Campus Disco. Just because he was a fetus when that happened doesn't mean he isn't the real guilty party, DUH.

Instead of watching this crapapalooza I could have had a V8 Fusion. It's heart healthy you know.

[Matthew]

I heart this Web site. Hard.

[Vicki]

I haven't seen the episode yet but I knew it was Diego because of SOD.

Really. Diego. How original. Was he eating Campbell's Healthy Request soup at the time?

[Paula]

What a stupid end to a dumb storyline....at least Diego is hot...serial killer or not....imagine they wanted the audience to play along as who dunnit????? That's the best they could do? In the words of Cam, "Bitch, please".

[Beth R.]

I too beleive the Anti-hot people bias....ohh that explains the pre-nom I just can't wrap my head around! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

The only bright spot is Jason was so completley wrong on EVERYTHING in this storyline that it makes me giggle.

However when I heard the spoilers the words LAME, LAST MINUTE REWRITE, and LAZY ASS WRITING did escape my lips at top volume.

[Nicole]

I haven't watched passed Tuesday's episode on my DVR so I had no idea about this until I read your post. Here's my response:

YOU MEAN THOSE MOTHEREFFERS KILLED GEORGIE JONES, A LEGACY CHARACTER JUST TO HAVE AN EFFING DEAD SECONDARY CHARACTER MURDER HER?!

Holy Sh!t F*ck.

[Cara]

Uh, also, how are they going to explain away Diego's decision to murder Georgie, a girl he once had semi-intense love-like feelings for? and i really liked Diego too. Besides the hotness he was kinda interesting for a while there. I thought the Diego/Georgie pairing had been a nice break from the monotonous Georgie/Dillon pairing. And also, what did Emily do to Diego, ever? I can see why he'd want to kill Carly (because she's, well, Carly, and was also married to his father and kind of a bitch to him), and Georgie because she dumped him, and Sam because she killed- no wait "killed"- him, but why Emily?

Never fear, they can always explain it away with a Tumor Storyline. Maybe Diego can be another long lost Cassadine with the genetic tumor! Brilliant!

Not really. At all.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

At this point, I don't really care, because I just want this stupid storyline over, but Diego is just like... all that for THIS? Really? REALLY?!? Gawd...

I'm glad it wasn't really Coop, though, because having a sweet, upstanding, woman-respecting, hot cop/vet suddenly being a serial killer is just more than I could take.

[John]

Yeah. I heard about this lame excuse for a plot twist a while back, but refused to believe that GH would steal a plot from AMC. Seriously? Bringing someone back from the dead as a serial killer? Exactly the same thing as the Satin Slayer. Even with the crappy motive.

At least in this case, Diego wasn't cremated. Or was he? I wasn't watching GH closely when he was killed.

Whatever happened to having a murder mystery that made sense, was compelling, and didn't cause people's heads to explode across the United States and Canada? The last compelling serial killer story I remember watching and liking was the Loving murders. That may be an unpopular opinion, but it's mine and I'm sticking to it!

[Kazou]

@Vicki: Really. Diego. How original. Was he eating Campbell's Healthy Request soup at the time?

I laughed at this line but then thought about it. You know what's really sad? It proves Frons' intrusive product placements WORK because Vicki remembers each and every product promo'd. That's exposure commercials cannot buy. All of which means that the more we bitch about the specifi products mentioned, the more ABC will charge Campbell's, Revlon and cell phone makers -- and the more (and bigger) product placements they'll insert in the shows.

[Chad]

The reveal doesn't explain either why Georgie would have greeted the killer with a smile and a look of relief. You'd think her response to seeing a guy she thinks is dead would be rather less friendly.

Even though I don't watch AMC, I realized off the bat that someone had been "inspired" by the identity of the Satin Slayer. Geesh, you'd think the least they could do is rip off a well-remembered, soap serial killer storyline and have the killer end up being a lookalike imposter acting as part of a larger vengeance scheme masterminded by an old villain thought dead (that would have been a good reason to bring back A.J. Quartermaine or one of the many dead Cassadines!).

Seriously, the only twist that can salvage this whole storyline is if it turns out that Helena Cassadine is holding Georgie and Emily and the rest captive on an uncharted island called Selrahc Trop.

[Kirsten]

"But DIEGO?"
I had to read that line several times before it sunk in.
Really? OH MY GOD - what complete and utter crap!
I stopped watching GH when Georgie died (though that was only the last straw -things like Jax and the rape were part of it too). I love your site (well written snark is a thing of beauty and deserves fandom) and have been reading the GH stuff with a bit of a relief that I was not in front of the tv when the writers went off the rails( time and time again).

Diego?

Come on, the kid wasn't the world best actor but he didn't deserve the stalker plot or this. Did he sleep with someones wife?

I am sick at heart that this show is going out of it's way to erase the memory of its former greatness.

Wow.

[Kade]

"The reveal doesn't explain either why Georgie would have greeted the killer with a smile and a look of relief. You'd think her response to seeing a guy she thinks is dead would be rather less friendly." -- Chad

Same thing on AMC - just before Simone died, she looked up and casually said, "Oh, its you." Hardly what you'd say to your friend's presumed dead father who was CREMATED!

[ckn]

Word!

[mazz]

I, too, read the spoiler about it being Diego, but was hoping it wasnt true. Didnt think they would be so stupid...but silly me...of COURSE they would! The other possibility reported was Lorenzo, which would have been just as bad, but at least he is still ALIVE. When will the powers that be realize that Guza is not a good match for this show? His instincts suck and he is killing this once decent show.

[nattyp]

i know i was watching this show all week and i was like i m tired of the show revolving around lulu sonny jason and carly. i only watch these days for the hospital staff and robin's pregnancy which they have done no justice to , i thought it was the groundgreaking story guza the luza has wanted to write for years?

[Desertrose]

Having the killer be a Campbell's salesman gone postal because certain Port Chuckians were not drinking/eating their "red" products would make more freaking sense than this idiotic storyline.

Why the penchant for killing (and re-killing) of viable characters?

What this really comes down to is lazy and inept storytelling and too many fools at the top of the ABCD/GH food chain patting each other on the back.

Shame on you GH/Guza/Frons and ABCD.You should be ashamed when your fans can tell a better story that you so called paid professionals.

As for me, I no longer watch this mess after watching since it began in the 60's....but Serial Drama chicks...YOU TOTALLY ROCK!! Love your brilliant insight!

[Becca]

Just when I think this show can't get lamer or less creative, it goes back to making a special effort to suck more.

Chad, not only does Georgie's reaction -- whether it was to Coop or Diego -- make no sense whatsoever, the bigger question for me is why the hell Diego would want to kill Georgie? Or Maxie? Or Letitia? And why wouldn't Sam be his primary target, what with her having "killed" him and all?

I hate this show.

[CCC]

From Daytime Confidential, 2/08/08:

"Is Diego the TMK? RUMORS say he is and he is doing it to avenge his family. Is that why the TMK seems to be focusing on Alexis and her family? Remember, Alexis killed Luis, Diego's uncle. Sam was the one who shot and supposedly killed Diego. Carly, broke his dad's heart and Diego has always hated Maxie. We're guessing that Leticia was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Emily was to get at Jason for killing his father. The only one that is tough to explain is Georgie. Diego and Georgie were friends and Diego even had feelings for the youngest Jones girl, but Georgie did have a hand in Sage's death. If Georgie's death happened the way Cooper explained it to Logan, its completely plausible that Georgie ran from Coop, scratching him in the process and ran directly into Diego. Knowing that Georgie would do the right thing and out him to really be alive, Diego did the only thing he could and killed Georgie."

This seems like a semi-plausible explanation for Diego being the TMK. The only victims it seemed difficult to explain were Emily and Georgie, and I think DC's explanation could be right. They also mentioned something about Kristina's shut-down being that she saw him and thought he'd been dead. The pieces are kind of starting to fit..

[Nan]

I thought the Satin Slayer was the worst serial killer storyline ever and thought nothing and I mean nothing could top it. Congrads to Phelps and her idiocy for surpassing the crap that AMC threw on the screen(I read this was her brainstorm)and for Brian Frons continuing to allow the inept Phelps and Guza to destroy what was once the best soap on TV and to continue meddling into what he knows nothing about. The last Decent story on this soap was the metro court and I understand it was another creative talent who could not tolerate Fron's BS who thought that up, so he(Jack Smith) justifiably gave Frons the finger and left.

I guess Santa Barbara and Another World were not enough. Let's give Jill and Bob Guza control here and see how much worse they can make this .

At least AMC has the insight to try and salvage something of their show by bringing back Angie and Jessie, although the rest of AMC still sucks donkey balls.

The entire ABCD lineup is a mess and until Frons is gone there is no hope for what once was the best network for soaps.

Anne Sweeney fire his sorry ass and the rest of the incompetent morons at GH before cancellation hits and quit promoting products on your damn shows to try and balance the loss of revenue. Next we will see Jason Morgan holding up an AMEX card saying 'Don't leave home without it' before he blows someone away.

[Nan]

WOW. I love your insight but I have to think back many years to think what comes close to this in terms of moronic stories and wasted characters on a soap.

Why not turn GH into Dark Shadows and make everyone a vampire or zombie. For all the alleged realism at GH(and I say that laughing) and how they don't do what other shows do, this is the most insulting thing TPTB at GH and ABC have done, and that says a lot. They continue to insult the intelligence of the viewers with their lame excuse for a show. I have tuned back into DOOL myself and am glad I have because it has ROCKED lately.

GH's ratings suck and they actually deserve to be worse than they are. TMK, Tumors,HNR, - one ridiculous half assed story after another and these people still collect a paycheck. I an beginning to think Frons must be holding something over Anne Sweeney's head.

They kill off 2 wonderful characters and insult the viewers by not even doing their deaths justice.

[smirks]

Funny story...I was out at dinner last night with one of my friends who has passed the Frons "training" initiative and is somehow utterly brainwashed by the crap on GH, and she thought that Diego being the killer was utterly brilliant writing, and she said the only thing that would have made it any better is if they had made Lucky the killer and I swear I gave her a look so psychotic she had to move her chair back from the table. I believe my response was something like "Expletive expletive Georgie Jones expletive dead expletive Emily Quartermaine expletive expletive stupid expletive DEAD expletive no sense EXPLETIVE. EXPLETIVE!!!!"

[Carissa]

I'm not sure what people arent understanding. Natalia was leaving irregardless of the storyline. SHE CHOSE TO LEAVE THE SOAP.

[nattyp3]

this show is horrible, they have so much talent but they choose to utilize the same 3 or 4 people. excellent column

[Carl]

"And also, what did Emily do to Diego, ever?"

That part of the story makes the MOST sense to me. Some people are too stupid to live. Hell, Tumily has proven she's too stupid to even unlive.

Even if Natalia CHOSE to leave the soap, it doesn't mean that her character's death had to make no sense whatsoever. Heck, it didn't even mean her character had to die at all. And what about Lindze? Surely they didn't kill her off for storyline reasons.

The problem with GH is that it is no longer about telling a great story. It's about doing whatever the management wants to do and justifying it with a stupid story.

[Canada]

Still pissed that Emily & Georgie are dead. To top it off they were killed by a nobody. They bring on these pissy ass waste of space newbies (Nadine & Leyla to mention a few), but character's that actually meant something are being killed off left & right. Bite me GH!! My favorite is still on looking like a complete fool being Nikolas's blowup doll. Not interested!

[Carissa]

Sure, they could of taken her off in other ways than a "text message" killer but simply having her character "leave town" or other things really wouldnt of fit with the current storyline. She was as sure that she wanted to marry nikolas as I'm as sure my name is carissa so her getting cold feet wouldnt of worked.
Killing her off was probably the best way to handle the situation. I would of preferred a tragic car accident than a text message killer but it is what it is.

Besides leaving it open for natalia to come back wouldnt of been a wise option...more than likely Natalia wont be coming back to that soap, period and even if there was a small chance she might...who's to say Tyler will still be around...that was what I was trying to get at.