GH Couple of Weeks in Review: The I Don't Care Edition

I have been a bad General Hospital blogger.  I know this.  But I cannot bring myself to care about this show right now.  It's so terrible.  Terribly violent, terribly predictable, terribly monotonous, terribly nonsensical, and most of all terribly boring.  The things I could not possibly care less about outnumber the entertaining things by easily about ten to one.  The things I do not care to see anything more about include, but are no means limited to:

• Michael being kidnapped
• Carly being upset that Michael has been kidnapped
• Sonny's weirdly detached reaction to Michael having been kidnapped
• Marianna
• Ric playing dress-up-the-abused-Barbie with Marianna
• Campbell's soup
• Epiphany
• Epiphany's Campell's-sponsored heart disease support group
• Lucky once again being shot/victimized
• Jason once again saving the day
• Trevor
• Diego's amazing HVAC skills
• tiny Kelly Monaco being thrown around some more by a guy two times her size
• Emily being brutally killed, AGAIN

So what does that leave?  Almost nothing.  (You'll still click through for the rest though, won't you?  I need reader encouragement to get me through this challenging time.)

A few things didn't suck:

• Maxie and Spinelli.  Mallory and I turned the corner on Maxie last year, upgrading her from one of the worst characters in daytime to one of our favorites.  And now it turns out she has the same remarkable ability Kate has, to make an otherwise unbearable guy almost adorable.  I like her with Spinelli.  I can't believe I just typed that, but I did.  On a related note, shut up, Lulu.  God.
• Claudia continues to be a little intriguing, when she's not pursuing the mighty Corinthos wang.  I don't understand why she hates Kate so much, let alone why she would leave her to die in the street.  I also don't understand why she wears open-toed shoes in the middle of winter in upstate New York.  And I don't understand how in some shots Sarah Brown looks drop-dead gorgeous, while in others she looks vaguely like a dude in a dress.  But I suppose soaps are all about mystery and intrigue.
• I still hate Dead/TumorEmily, but since it looks like she's finally on her way to the kind of final death Days viewers are unfamiliar with, she didn't bug me much this week.  Tyler Christopher has been doing interesting things with Nikolas and we actually saw some story movement, so on the latter count that's an improvement over at least the last three months or so.
• Unintentional hilarity highlight for me this week was Max, bodyguard to the Port Charles mafia stars, shooting many times at Diego from about three feet away and missing entirely.   I so want to see Jason's face when he finds out about that.  Steve Burton has mastered the "are you fucking kidding me?" look in a most amusing way.
• Patrick got my gift!  I'm reserving judgment on this overall storyline because I'm still virtually certain these writers will eff it up like they love to do, but for now I'm not filled with soap opera rage over the whole thing.

And . . . that's pretty much it.  Two weeks in which roughly five things moderately captured my interest.  I'm amazed with storytelling like this that it hasn't tumbled in the ratings.  Oh.  Well, score one for the American viewing public.  You still have to make up for the results of at least four seasons of American Idol, but you're coming up in the world.

P.S.  Those "special" effects of the car hanging off the bridge are getting their own post.  They totally deserve it.

P.P.S.  After seeing him on Oprah last week, I am going to track down a Trapper Keeper just so I can write Rick Springfield's name all over it.

Comments

[Sarah]

Dear Becca, When drag queen Claudia, Sonny's wang, the wrench hitting Logan in the head and putting him in a coma instead of Lulu getting the MUCH deserved knockout, super creepy Michael, screechy Carly, annoying Pip, Marianna and Ric playing discount uncharming Pretty Woman, tumor head Nik and his VERY murdered fiance, Kelly Monaco playing busty victim, AND for the millionth time St. Jasus flies to the rescue as Lucky Freaking Spencer lies lame and unable to do a damn thing ALL gets you down honey there is just one thing to do to raise your spirits....

Heat up a bowl of Campbell's soup and enjoy. It's Mmm mmm good! @**#&T$*@U)!)U&#(&@T^#

GH MUST BE PUNISHED. SEVERELY. SOON.

[no relation to steve]

Yeah, can we talk some more about shut UP Lulu? And about how it's supposed to be Maxie's fault that Lulu almost killed one of her beaus? I forgot for about five minutes that all the drama in PC revolves around Ms. Thang.

[Titian]

come now, becca. maxie giving lulu the slap should definitely have gotten a mention. that made me an instant maxie fan. i hope she does it again, soon!

[Nancy]

It's funny I completely disagree. I think the past week or so has been far better than its been. The dialogue is vastly improved and there's been real movement on storylines. Granted we're still wrapping up some truly crappy storylines and Jason and Sonny's marriage finally crumbling and leading to divorce is about as much fun as root canal, but certain scenes have worked for me in ways that they haven't in a very long time.

I love Johnny and Claudia's relationship. I also love Johnny writing the music on the walls. It touches on how close to insanity he lives and how hard it fights against it.

Patrick and Robin actually dealing with the paternity of her child without months (hell years) of dragging it out is downright revolutionary.

Even the Carly/Jax stuff as they deal with Michael's disappearance rings more true than usual.

I've been fairly happy overall.

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

I can't even be bothered to watch this show now, it annoys me so much. I totally missed Diego's explanation for why he killed Georgie, you know, when he tied Sam up and spent countless minutes explaining his nefarious plot, rather than I don't know, killing her or torturing her. And Dr. Devlin, what is his specialty again? Is he a plastic surgeon or an oncologist? And if he's a plastic surgeon WTF is he doing involving himself in Nikolas's case? And seriously, Michael can stay gone until he turns 18. Why does Claudia have to be fixated on Sonny? Seriously is he that good in bed?

[Liz]

I am just grateful for YouTube. I only care about Robin and Patrick, so I do not have to sit through the rest of the foolishness on GH. I think Patrick was being sweet (and hot) giving Robin the stuffed animal and I cried a little when Robin gave it away. I also give him credit for making Robin tell him when he could have just gone along with her crazy. I am holding out hope with this storyline, naive as it may be on my part.

[Vicki]

I find myself agreeing with this whole post. Why didn't Lulu get konked in the head?

And I couldn't stop laughing when Diego said he re-routed the ventilation system. Should we start calling him Handy Manny instead?

I wish that whole Devlin/dude with tattoo/Jerry thing would just move along. Snore!

What does Sonny DO with his unit anyway???

[PAT]

Other then spinmax and scrubs there is NOTHING worth watching on GH. God why do TIIC think that the mobsters and Claudia is going to get fans to come back!! And Epihany as a heart attack patient ARE they kidding? like no one could see that one coming.
why not diane, or alexis, or Lainey.

[nattyp3]

ita with what you said about the show that sucked, but surely the maxie slap and dr hottie patrick calling robin on the baby's paternity almost made up for it. How about JT's lip quiver? HE is amazing

[Dia]

I think Sarah Brown looks gorgeous until she opens her mouth. By which I mean that her mouth and her teeth make her face change to an extraordinary degree, especially her nose. She looks like two different people. It's kind of weird.

Show has been hella boring lately, my only amusement is laughing outrageously at the Campbell's soup schilling and the bad SFX.

[Beth R.]

Yes Becca I too have no interest is seeing every single person with information pointing to the Plot Point Known as Diego running to tell JASON of all freaking people...even though every last one of them is related to a member of the PCPD. And I always joked that the first thing Guza would do the second he got back in the door was to make sure Lucky got shot again for Jason to save him as punishment for us actually LIKING him with brains. Looks like I now get to say..Welcome back Bob. Now go away.

I personally think the crack Claudia made about what the heck is it that Sonny imports, hot chocolate? should have rated a mention....Although the bridge effects are hillarious. (Makes the fact Jason thought Lorenzo survived that fall even funnier when the effects make it look like ninety gazillion feet in the air.)

[V]

You were right on with every point! LOL I'm sorry you have to go through watching this. I can't take this show either, but I love reading your blog.

I can't take the corny SFX that they are even promoting for a special behind-the-scenes clip on Wednesday. My, I can't wait for the awesomeness! :eyeroll:

[Charlie]

It's amazing how quickly this show can go from decent to crap in record time. Those awesomely heinous powers of Guza's never cease to amaze.

Also, it brings up another question-like that tree that no one hears in the forest when it falls, if anyone were to cancel AMC and GH...would anyone really care? I mean if suddenly instead of seeing them, we were treated to daily local programming, would anyone complain? Or just shrug their shoulders and change the channel? Another mystery of the ages.

It also bothers me how though they are thankfully (at least hopefully) wrapping this up whole Tumily storyline up, I still won't be able to like Nikolas anymore despite TC's amazing hotness. I just can't do it anymore...perhaps it's the whole willingness to make his son an orphan so he could hang around a hallucination. That does tend to make you look at least a little bit like a putz. It took them twelves years but they finally did it...they finally found a way to make me hate Nikolas Cassadine.

At least we have Lucky...who I will still prefer over Jason no matter how bad they try to make him look. I just hate Jason that much. And Lulu...can't forget her either.

Can I nominate GH for Worst Soap of 2008 this early in the year? Or is that just in bads taste? I'm actually asking.

[Kelly]

The Campbells-pimping is beyond uncomfortable to watch. I love a good bowl of soup but feel the urge to boycott out of principle over this insanity.

I second the emotion that I feel awful you have to sit through this raging suck, Becca. Once again, I'm so thankful for this site so I can keep up with the show regarding characters other than Scrubs. Sorry you have to suffer, though.

Someone called Sonny the wonder-shlong out on what he actually ships? AWESOME.

[Becky]

Bradford Anderson did reference the special effects being "unbelievable" though I am sure he meant "amazing" while I am taking it much more literally, along the lines of "not believable."

Thanks for taking the bullet and watching for those of us who have given it up other than the occassional clip of a scene that must be snarked upon.

[Brett]

I totally missed Diego's explanation for why he killed Georgie, you know, when he tied Sam up and spent countless minutes explaining his nefarious plot, rather than I don't know, killing her or torturing her.

IMO, tying a character up and making them listen to the convoluted, illogical, unrealistic, irrational, stupid, disjointed, motivation-less shite that is the explanation for Diego's identity as the TMK does qualify as torture.

As does watching this efifn' show.

[Beth]

"P.S. Those "special" effects of the car hanging off the bridge are getting their own post. They totally deserve it."

The idea of a Behind the Scenes look at Return of the Crappy Greenscreen (i.e. Jason's "speedboat" ride from November) truly makes me realize that the show has given up on actual storytelling completely for smoke and mirrors. They could do the whole damn show in a virtual reality world, animate it, or hire mimes to act it out. Crap is always gonna be crap, no matter what kind of package you wrap it in.

"P.P.S. After seeing him on Oprah last week, I am going to track down a Trapper Keeper just so I can write Rick Springfield's name all over it."

Full disclosure, one that uncomfortably almost gives away my age: I started watching GH at the age of eleven because I had a MASSIVE crush on Rick Springfield. Given what the show is today, I'm not sure whether to thank him, or smack him silly.

[Alice]

Great post, as usual.

I think that Sarah Brown has been looking like a man in drag since she reappeared. The low, throaty voice that she is putting on adds to the impression. I know she is a great actress, but either she or the directors are making her a one-note bitch. And the mafia story line? Just as boring as usual.

I had hoped that if Michael did return to the screen, he would have been aged into someone we could actually watch without flinching....no such luck. Now we have another weird character to deal with...the woman/man? who found him.

I love Scrubs, and I love Jason Thompson. He has an amazing ability to convey emotions with his expressions. But the story line is really getting to me. Do they have to make Robin such a defensive bitch. If I were Patrick, I would stay away, just like she wants him to. It's just too much trouble even to talk to her. And giving away that little stuffed animal? Harsh.

[Danny]

Oh those "special" effects. You've got to be freakin' kidding me. I can't believe they actually used the same stream masquerading as a roaring river that Y&R used to kill Dru off. Just awful.

[nattyp3]

patrick drake is the only reason i watch these days and i used to love scrubs but robin is just getting so annoying, she doesnt want him to be the father but she doesnt leave him alone either!

[M]

"How about JT's lip quiver? HE is amazing"

AMEN!!!!

[zarathelawyer]

Needless to say I pretty much agree all around. What's truly galling is the way they have managed to combine both excessive violence and complete and utter boredom.

Oh, and one thing, though it's easy enough to miss in the fast-forwarding: despite all the talk about it, Michael hasn't actually been kidnapped. He's just being a little coward and running away. Of course, he's one of the few people on screen who wasn't being kidnapped last week, so it's easy enough to make the mistake.

[Becca]

zara, you're totally right. I still don't know why he wandered onto that boat of all things, but yeah, he wasn't actually kidnapped. Sadly, I just plain forgot that. No fast-forwarding for me anymore. I'm too afraid of the humiliation that could occur if I went on a rant about something not happening in our column or something and then a reader was like, uh, that totally happened last Thursday, you tool.

I need things to worry about.

yes, shame on you. When GH sucks I depend on your blog on a pick me up. And it has been sucking a lot lately. Keep updating! :)

[Lauren]

The only good thing about GH is that it was down in last week's ratings. Even Days beat it!

I'm perpetually 12 years old, but I'll leave that last sentence alone.

[Sarah]

Tumily!?!?!? Genius :-)

And as for the "hints" from Claudia that Anthony molested her and that is why she was sent away when she began to develop or whatever...yippee another female victim grown up into a monster we the audience are supposed to love. Because women look up to and enjoy crazy slutty violent greedy crime loving bitches more than hard working accomplished intelligent brave successful women who contribute to society no matter how horrid their childhoods. Alexis, Diane, Kate, Bobbie, and Robin vs. Carly and Claudia.

GH isn't talented enough to try and tell that story, no way no how. Last time they tried to handle a storyline involving incest and molestation Sonny blamed Karen for getting molested as a kid and then turned her into a stripper and drug addict.

Run Kate Run!!!!!

[JP]

I agree, for the most part. the only thing i disagree with is Claudia. She is by far the worst thing on this show. Did we not see this done with Faith? Has Helena not done this? Should i go on and list the other's she is molded after?

Maxie/Spin are the highlight of GH. Who ever thought that would be the case a year ago?

[Marianne]

You know, Alice and nattyp, I can't IMAGINE why Robin would feel the need to be a defensive bitch with Patrick. I mean, it's not as if he has been hateful, insensitive, rude, pushy, nosy, inconsiderate, harsh, and, generally, an all-around dick for the last 8 freakin' months.

Oh, wait.....

Furthermore, anything short of Robin taking that damn plug (hello, Backyardigan, Austin specifically, Disney-owned show....what? I have 2-year-old, so shut it) toy and shoving it, followed by Leyla's smug little head, so far up his ass he'd need his one of Ian's experimental drugs to expel it, I count as generosity on Robin's part.

Oh, and for the record? Robin WAS leaving him alone-hence the paternity lie. HE insisted on knowing the truth, she told him, and she still told him "here's your hat, asshole, what's your hurry?"-so she IS leaving him alone.

[lynne]

Didn't Guza say that the Emily/Nick thing was gonna be some wonderful love story??? And that she's NOT a ghost?? Jeez, making her a tumor is WORSE than being a ghost.

When Max and Diego were having the shoot-out, all I could think of was Naked Gun, where there's this major shootout, and then the camera pans out to show that the gunmen were only 3 feet away from each other.

Lulu is now officially the most annoying, worthless, propped-up character on GH. Okay, she ties with Carly.

Why do they always make wimen look like sex addict/sluts? Take Claudia. How embarrassing is it to watch her throw herself at anything with a pulse. And her severe look (black hair, etc.) make her look like a she-male.

I'm not getting the Sam love. Her irritating breathy voice and propped-up victim role to redeem her from the UNFORGIVABLE deed of letting baby Jake get kidnapped makes me puke. I heart Sam as an evil conniving b*tch.

This Diego thing cracks me up. It reminds me of Austin Powers, where Dr. Eviiiil puts him in an impossibly dangerous position yet gives him plenty of time to escape. Why did Diego kill the others FAST, yet Sam and now Liz get multiple changes and time to escape/be saved?

Does anyone care if Michael comes back? He is an annoying Mimi-Mobster, and I think Carly should fall off a cliff with him in her arms. I don't like her manic screechiness. And can she make Jax any more of a wimp? Once a month, he'll yell at her -- which is very much deserved -- and then a second later apologizes! Grow a backbone Jax!

And WTF were they thinking with Mari-ah-na?? Poor Ric. I love his softer hairstyle, and it's nice to see a storyline with him, but she is totally FF material. Ric and Diane. Ric and Kate (oh, won't Sonny LOVE that!) Ric and the LAMP POST for goodness sake!

How sad that I still watch. Sigh.

[Charlie]

Sadly, I can't claim credit on the Tumily bit, Sarah. I read that on TWOP GH board and thought everyone was using it. It's awesome though.

Anyway, I just came here to repeat my Jason and his "savior complex" hate. I'm a total "Jathiest" (and yes, credit me on that one...combining words is so much fun.)