This Was Not Exactly What I Had In Mind

Because I have been burned in the past so many times by Brian Frons and his minions at ABC Daytime, I'm always a little bit wary of their big proclamations like "It's just what you've been waiting for!" For starters, the news I'm usually waiting for is "HEAD WRITER FIRED" and until I see that headline under the photo of Bob Guza and Barbara Esensten/James Harmon Brown, I'm not going to be impressed.

And also, even on the off chance that I have been waiting for this news, they always wind up screwing it up somehow, especially if the powers-that-be at All My Children are involved. Remember when they fired Megan McTavish and the entire world rejoiced and I perhaps even made a comment about how breakfast cereal mascots would do a better job running the show than McTavish? And then we learned that B&E are horrible, dream pyromaniacs? Yeah, that's right: the PTB ruined the firing of Megan McTavish. There's literally nothing that they can't ruin. In their hands, they would do dastardly things to the time honored partnerships of peanut butter and chocolate, Lennon and McCartney, DiCaprio and Scorcese and Blair Waldorf and headbands.

I mean, I guess it's nice to know that, no matter what, it's going to get screwed up. At least you know where you stand, you know? Like, remember when the show Trading Spaces on TLC became really popular a few years ago? Is it still on? Is the host still Mindy Paige Davis Paige? Anyway, I never understood how people could go on that show. Sure, there's a chance you'd get the cool designer who would turn your tiny bedroom into a huge, blissful suite, but there's another chance that you'd get the guy who paints rooms black and glues pieces of aluminum to the wall. AMC is the guy who glue guns aluminum to walls, but at least we don't get our hopes up by entertaining the thought of getting a pretty bedroom.

This is a roundabout way of saying that ABC and AMC are stupid and that their latest "OMG! JUST WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED" casting is crap in theory, and will likely be crap in execution. Spoiler after the jump!

Everything about this is stupid:

You wanted it, you got it! Cady McClain returns to All My Children as Dixie Cooney Martin on Friday, May 2. Dixie is back in Pine Valley with a mission: She's reuniting Tad with their long missing daughter, Kate! As the audience knows, Kate was stolen at birth, put up for adoption and now lives with Nurse Julia Keefer under the name of Kathy. Only Adam Chandler--Dixie's evil ex-husband and Tad's lifelong enemy--knows the truth that Kathy is Tad and Dixie's child. When last seen in January 2007, Dixie fell victim to a serial killer. Her ghost watched as Tad received a comforting hug from Kathy. It was then that Dixie realized Kathy was really her daughter. Now with her angelic hand, Dixie will guide Tad into the loving embrace of their little girl. This is drama you can't miss!

I think this needs a bit of analysis.

Dixie is back in Pine Valley with a mission: She's reuniting Tad with their long missing daughter, Kate! As the audience knows, Kate was stolen at birth

...and, post-baby theft, Dixie traipsed around Europe lazily spearheading an effort to find her daughter but not really and never thought it pertinent to inform her husband, the PI, that their daughter was stolen

and now lives with Nurse Julia Keefer under the name of Kathy.

Remember when Julia was a full-fledged character and not a plot point for the foibles of the Martin family? Those were some good times. I loved her and Noah and that brief period of time when her face was disfigured after she was hit by a chandelier during a tornado.

Only Adam Chandler--Dixie's evil ex-husband and Tad's lifelong enemy--knows the truth that Kathy is Tad and Dixie's child.

Enough with the effing "Adam is the most evil effer to ever...eff", okay? Enough. Adam isn't a squeaky clean hero, but unlike some OTHER PEOPLE, he has, in some capacity, been there for JR whenever JR needs him and has never, for example, lurked in corners ignoring his son who is heartbroken and in emotional shambles, Dixie.

And you know why Adam is the only person who knows the truth? Because Tad BURIED ALIVE the other person who knew Kate's whereabouts and tortured him for weeks before an unexpected earthquake caused the man's untimely death before Tad could torture the information out of him. And not for nothing, but Tad then realized how much he fucked up and felt so bad that he went to Krystal for comforting and she obliged, in the best way she knew how, but sleeping with him while she was married to Adam, which led the conception of Jenny, and we all know how I feel about that storyline and ALSO, he allowed the alleged love of his life to stand trial for this murder. But Adam's the only evil one? WTFever.

When last seen in January 2007, Dixie fell victim to a serial killer.

Just...no. I know it would be like the elephant in the corner, but we really didn't need to remember the details of how Dixie died, so to bring it up is just...hurtful. And I love the innocuous phrasing "Dixie fell victim to a serial killer". It does have a better ring to it than "Dixie ate poisoned pancakes and perished and then had to share a funeral with her skank daughter-in-law who wasn't even dead and she got upstaged at her shared funeral by the mourning over skank daughter-in-law and the impassioned singing of a transgendered rockstar".

Her ghost watched as Tad received a comforting hug from Kathy. It was then Dixie realized Kathy was really her daughter.

As much as I'd like to say that my first reaction to the scene where Ghostly Dixie watched Kathy hug Tad was irritation that Dixie wouldn't ever have a relationship with her daughter, that was my second reaction. My first reaction was marveling over the cleavage that Dixie received upon leaving this mortal coil. I can't find a screencap of it, but it was the stuff Victoria's Secret commercials are made of.

Now with her angelic hand, Dixie will guide Tad into the loving embrace of their little girl.

Because what daytime really doesn't have enough of these days is ghosts. And also, that is the single most vomititiously sappy sentence EVER WRITTEN.

This is drama you can't miss!

Can't we, AMC? Can't we?

Comments

[Beth R.]

You know it almost makes me yearn for the high class memories of "the return of REAL Greenlee". Almost.

Just...yeah I'm with you Mallory...no....just no.

TEAM ADAM!

[Matthew]

OK, I'm a guy, so this might prove impossible, but ...Mallory? Can I marry you and have your babies?

[Danny]

Maybe she's a "ghost who helps Tad" like Jesse was a "ghost who helps Tad".

Regardless, I hate this show.

[Michaela]

Wow. This makes me so grateful I don't watch AMC anymore.

Of course, I still watch GH, so obviously I have no taste to speak of...

[Cece]

Mallory, I've made a decision. You are my new favorite person. The SECOND I found out that Dixie gave up their child and went into hiding because she was ashamed of it instead of talking to her PI husband and helping her effed-up child deal with living with his crazy father, I was outdone. This show makes me so angry sometimes. There are highlights (like Jesse saying he's just ready to have fun [see today's episode]) and then there are lowlights, like the aforementioned "return," Babe, Ryan's amnesia and anyting not involving the Hubbards. Keep it up, Mallory.

Love,
Your new BFF

[Hookd]

Sing it out Sista!!!! I am so tired of Adam is the evilest evil that ever eviled!!! I mean.. He's been blamed for caring about his worthless son who tried to bilk him out of his fortune. Somehow Adam was stll at fault when Zach beat JR to it. But, Adam is still evil. Tad buries a man cries a few crocidile tears gives up looking for Kate and AMC thinks he's insta hero.. self proclaimed white hat. Heck, how many times did Adam try and tell Tad that he knew where Kate is? I don't want no freaking ghost!!! I want Adam to tell a very ALIVE Dixie where her daughter is.

[Charlie]

Anyone remember that little crack I made about the two horses racing to the glue factory? One represented AMC and the other GH and I think the AMC one just made a huge leap forward toward the goal line.

Ugh. I can only imagine what GH will do to top this. On second though, I'd rather not. Last time it took two days to clean my sheets and I'm not going through that again.

[Chad]

My worst nightmare is that one day on soapoperacentral or some other website I'd find a link proudly proclaiming "BOB GUZA FIRED!" Then I'd click on it and, after a mere five seconds of rejoicing, find out in the first paragraph that he's being replaced with James E. Reilly.

[Sarah]

Give Barf a break. Being transgender isn't a crime. I mean he didn't cook the poison flapjacks! Being on AMC is the crime!!!!! I weep for the Hubbards. Oy.

ABC Daytime will soon have enough onair ghosts to work at the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. I wonder who'll "magically" appear in my carraige beside me looking as green as these shows make me feel...Alan, Emily, Dixie etc.....

[Carl]

"Like, remember when the show Trading Spaces on TLC became really popular a few years ago? Is it still on? Is the host still Mindy Paige Davis Paige?"

She was fired when the ratings started falling. The show became more and more obscure until this year when new producers hired Paige back. She's entertaining but unfortunately the show is stuck in some kind of "let's have exes/enemies do each other's houses for lame psychodrama" format.

[Chia]

So what? Do ABC soaps writers watch eachother's material and decide when it would be a good idea to rio off one lame story after the next? Honestly, Dixie as a ghost?.. Oh lord. LOL.

[Henry]

Agreed with some of your points. My thought, just have a catastrophic event happen, leave the friday teaser on a cliffhanger, follow that with a week of special repeats of good classic shows, the following week pick the action up six months later. Take a chance with the show, they can't do much worse. This would allow them to jettison some of the horrible stories they have going and create some compelling character mysteries as we discover how people have gotten to their new status quo.

That was a bit off topic. Bottom line, forget the poison pancakes, retcon the death of Dixie and play this reunion out right.

[JL]

I wonder if wardrobe held onto her AngelBoobs!Dixie bra. Because that's pretty much going to be the only amusing part of the whole return. I can do without another vigorous round of Adam is so, so evul, y'all!

[Edie]

Well, we've had ghosts, and now "Angel Dixie" (ugh), when do the vampires show up??

Somewhere Megan McTavish is laughing her ASS off...

[Becky]

Sorry, but Adam is evil. I'm not excusing all the evil/stupidity done by both Tad & Dixie & nearly ever other resident of Pine Valley, but Adam IS evil. Fun to watch, but evil. I know, I've watched him be evil to everyone for years. It is so.

I agree with everything else, though.

[Claudine]

What's so effing stupid about this IMHO is... what crackhead ABC exec went... "the fans are pissed off we killed her and want her back. They're writing in for us to UNDO her death and reunite her with Tad & Kate"... hmmmm.... "I have a brilliant idea! Bring on her ghost! That'll be the same!" Don't they realize this is like poking the remaining audience who didn't high tail it outta there with the pancake fiasco in the gut? Someone's getting their yucks at our expense. Guess what ABC. I will tune in for Dixie's return. You'll get my Nielson ratings for the time she's back. The minute she's gone again, so am I. And I'm taking my Nielsen TiVo with me!

[Kade]

Another Noah & Julia fan, yay! They were such a good couple, probably my favorite. The show in general was so good back then (even though Megan McTavish was headwriter then too. Look it up! But Agnes Nixon was more involved, and must have kept McT from sucking too much).

Unfortunately, the thing I remember most about Ghost Dixie as well was her damn cleavage (and I'm a straight woman!) I thought at the time, way to go Frons, you found a way to FURTHER sensationalize Dixie's death (and after poisoned pancakes, that's quite a feat).

[Angie]

My sincerest wish is for someone, somewhere to read your post & realize this is the way AMC is seen now & fix it!! I'd do anything to make that happen. You're spot on, as usual, Mallory & why aren't you writing for AMC?

[Beth]

*slamming head into desk*

Dear, dear sweet Soap Gods, I sacrifice a goat in your name and declare my allegiance to the Dark Side if you, in your holy wisdom, reign fire and brimstone upon Brian Frons, everyone who works behind the scenes at AMC, and take out Robert Guza while you're at it. Thanks, and rock on.

[ty]

Why can't we have ghosts we actually want to see...like Ghost ReakGreenlee? Maybe Ghost Babe? This way, we'd know they were dead, and out of Pine Valley in tangible form.

[ty]

Why can't we have ghosts we actually want to see...like Ghost RealGreenlee? Maybe Ghost Babe? This way, we'd know they were dead, and out of Pine Valley in tangible form.

[JL]

Ghost doesn't mean really dead and out of PV in tangible form. I give you--Jesse Hubbard. His ghost has been paying Tad visits for years. And damn if he isn't alive and well now. I want to see Tad have scenes with AngelBoobsGhostDixie, just to see if seeing her ghost makes Tad say "Oh, thank God, you must really be alive, then!"

[Deborah J. Reyes]

Once upon a time, when the Soap Assassins wrote for Port Charles - nearly everyone in town was an angel. Except for those who were vampires, werewolves, or vampire-slayers.

At this point, I am inclined to believe that it is premature for everyone to be presuming that Jesse is actually alive. Just because he LOOKS like a mortal does NOT mean that Jesse actually IS mortal!

But - be careful, folks! The Soap Assassins believe that angels can return to earth, looking like mortals - and they can even be doing stuff like plotting murder and/or plotting to break up marriages!

So - I am waiting for 'Angel' Dixie to return to town, determined to break up Tad's current arrangement with Krystal!

If you suspect that THREE angels have returned to Pine Valley - PRAY that, this time around - they are REALLY aliens from outer space! (Because space aliens will make more sense than whatever 'angel' story the Soap Assassins are planning - that's why!)

Sincerely, Deborah