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« The Day's Dumbest Dialogue | Main | Our Broadcast Debut! »

April 16, 2008

Elephants Wearing Tutus While Performing Surgery and Doing Yoga with Aliens Makes More Sense Than This

I had a less than fantastic day yesterday.  I:

  • burned my knuckle on my flat iron (I should not be surprised at how hot that is, right?)
  • got a huge sliver in my big toe (Don't ever remodel.  Just move.  Trust me.)
  • had chicken for lunch that disagreed with me, as my grandmother used to say

So did I need for SOAPNet to send me a stupid-ass email?  I so did not.

Many of you know that I freaking love a good SOAPNet marathon.  I've been willing to forgive a lot because of those delightful throwbacks to the glory days of soaps.  A LOT.  Night Shift, for god's sake.  (Well, I suppose I haven't really forgiven them for that as much as I made a pact with myself not to commit felonious bodily injury on anyone over it.)   I held out hope that someone associated with the network would wake up in a cold sweat one night with an epiphany -- "Holy crapoli, we've lost our way!  Soap operas are our bread and butter! I'm taking One Tree Hill off the air tomorrow and replacing it with 1980s Santa Barbara!  Also, my boss is a moron!"

But it's really clear that, just as with gas prices, world peace, and Lindsay Lohan's sobriety, optimism doesn't pay.  Because, as Mallory and many of you had already realized, the people who run SOAPNet have lost their mothereffing minds. 

Where to begin?


Celebrity and TV drama and fashion gossip!  Thank god I will finally have somewhere to get that stuff on the internets!  As it is now, there are no websites that provide such information.

Other than the fact that they are relegated to marginalia, I have no real objection to the usual, spoiler-filled show summaries.  (Beyond that they are spoiler-filled and I cannot avoid them and they therefore make me want to kick some shins.  But why should this be different than any other weekday in that regard?)  I guess this is more a criticism of the shows, but


I would be shocked if either of those descriptions enticed anyone -- even someone who due to a tragic cable television error receives SOAPNet and no other channels -- into watching those shows.

But whatever, let's get to the truly objectionable part.


1)  I will have nightmares about the color of Beyonce's weave in that photo for months.  2)  The wedding in question happened 11 days before this email went out.  Is this an example of the hot-off-the-online-presses celebrity reporting we can expect from SOAPNet.com, my new destination for all things star-related?  Will we soon also see headlines that Tom and Katie had a baby and Britney Spears is showing initial signs of mental illness?  3)  WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SOAP FUCKING OPERAS?!


1)  That is the kind of runway outfit that makes people hate fashion.  2)  "You don't have to be a banker to get a return on this style investment?"  Did SOAPNet.com, the new hotbed of celebrity and fashion information, hire its writers straight from a greeting card company?  3)  WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SOAP FUCKING OPERAS?!

And then, this is possibly the funniest/most disturbing part:  Check out the site.


I'm no marketing expert, but when you send out an email touting your amazing new product, shouldn't it actually, I don't know, exist?  I'm also not suggesting that one little technological screw-up should result in mass firings, but honestly, do the bigwigs at ABC Daytime/SOAPNet not have to be good at any aspect of their jobs?  Is the standard for maintaining employment as an [allegedly] soaps-related executive at Disney just "has not recently set building on fire" and "rarely beats up coworkers"?


I'm starting to think the qualifications to work over there begins and ends with "Didn't get too sick when they ate the paste."

The video on the site is the most hilarious part!

There really isn't enough mediocre celebrity gossip news available online, in mags, on TV, at the break room in every office in the world...

Brian Frons is a total moron. If he is so interested in paparazzi shows let's do one on him. We'll follow him around w/ cameras relentlessly 24/7 for a couple months and report on his amazing successes.

Like driving and not getting distracted by the traffic light's pretty colors.

Or having a fight with his wife about how she doesn't worship him as well as Carly worships Sonny or even Liz worshipping Jason. This making her an ugly loser he can verbally abuse even if she is a beautiful intelligent lawyer, or doctor and mother etc....

We'll watch as he brilliantly destroys a landmark show like GH, AMC, and OLTL as well as a cable channel with his sidekicks Guza and Phelps.

I hope we got lots of humiliating footage of him picking up poop after walking his dog in a robe. And eating sloppily at an outdoor table in a chic West LA restaurant.

Maybe even see really goofy ugly footage of him working out his past middle aged body while drooling over hot tranny messes like Claudia Z.

Or picking his nose at a stop sign from his luxury nazi made gas guzzler.

This is the only program I want to see on Soapnet besides SOAPS!!!!!!

Doesn't the water usually go down after a while of circling the drain? But no....it keeps circling. Circling and circling and circling.

I don't mind SoapNet having primetime soaps as well as daytime soaps as long as they're well loved and not easily accessible. However I thought that the point of SoapNet was to fill the niche market for those that wanted new and old soap operas readily available on demand, rather than to give content readily available (and better done) elsewhere. Obviously I haven't been "trained" properly yet.

Yes! Santa Barbara! Bring that back! And Another World! Heck, throw Loving in there and woo hoo!

Santa Barbara... sigh. Julia & Mason made me 5th Grade heart leap.

Can you believe it was cancelled when it had a 3.4 in the ratings? Today it would be at #2.

Memo to Frons: I think they already have a network with sleb gossip + fashion. It's called E!

I want to see classic (80's) episodes of GH, AMC and OLTL - not the current heap of messes on those shows right now. But I guess today's shows would look so poor in comparison that they just wont air those great shows.

Brian Frons: the man who systematically destoyed the soap opera. Great job, Frons! You've "trained" us well.

Remember when SoapNet was relatively new and would actually show, I don't know, Daytime's Greatest Weddings...stuff that was actually soap opera related?

I too could care less about one more celeb gossip channel or website - there are far too many out there as it is.

WTF...is it really that difficult to understand the concept that Soapnet is for soaps? If I wanted to watch a Lifetime movie I'd watch one of the 3 Lifetime channels, If i wanted to hear the latest celeb gossip I'd read a magazine, watch one of the 16 thousand entertainment news shows, or go on the internet.

They need to realize that they're the ones screwing their network into the ground. Take your heads out of you asses and bring back Soaptalk, One Day with, Soapography, classic soap episode marathons, and the 80s primetime soaps...things you can't watch anywhere else!!

WTH is this?!! I even got bored watching the promo!!! I was FF a promo!!! When is Frons gonna wake up and realize people want soapnet to air soap operas?!!!!!!!!!! There's a lot of us huddled around our computers watching old clips of our favourite soaps on youtube, so maybe Disney might want to use their soap network to actually, I don't know, tap into that market?!! But why would they want to do that - when they can give us re-runs of lifetime movies and a half-assed version of of Entertainment tonight that nobody cares about?!!! Errrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Vicki: Remember when SoapNet was relatively new and would actually show, I don't know, Daytime's Greatest Weddings...stuff that was actually soap opera related?

Remember when SoapNet was new and those of us who love soaps went to bat for them, writing and calling our cable companies and begging them to add SoapNet? I feel like Frons is a used car salesman and just pulled a cheap bait-and-switch. "I know it's called SoapNet but what wimmen really want is reality FASHION. Oh .. why not call it FashionNet? Because then women wouldn't tune in. They really want this -- they just don't KNOW they want it. Believe me. I intrude -- er -- help the writers on General Hospital. I know what the wimmins want."

Also, it never fails to amaze me that Brian "Product Placement" Frons hasn't discovered the biggest money maker out there. Why not show storyline arcs from the classic shows? It would take one employee and an editing bay and programs to which he already owns the rights. Hell, he could sell these arc on TV and people would actually BUY them. Has anybody bought a NightShift CD? (And if so would you admit it?)

My theory is that Frons does not want "Santa Barbara" on SoapNet because two things would happen:

1). Fans would be able to compare and contrast Santa Barbara to present day GH. Yeah, that's what I am thinking, too.

2). Jill Farren Phelps might blink hard, look around and say "Oh my God, I've allowed my show to be taken over by a violence obsessed, woman hating psychopath! I used to be so much better than this!".

I remember when Soapnet had shows like Soap Talk and One Day With. Shows that actually interviewed and spent the day with soap stars. I no longer watch anything on SoapNet. If they were smart they would rerun classic episodes or soaps like Santa Barbara. Thankfully we have you tube to watch these classic shows. Now if Frons was smart he would make SoapNet an actual soap opera channel instead of the entertainment/reality channel it has become.

Wow, a network that will bring me fashion reports and celeb gossip in addition to the soaps I can watch on network television or download from hundreds of websites or even catch nightly on You Tube??? It's the answer to my freakin' prayers! Cleary Fronsie's been reading my damn diary. I mean, sure, I can get celeb gossip on E! and other shows and I can get fashion on a hundred other channels, but to get them both on the same network as my daily soaps? Wow, now I can save all that annoying channel changing! Yahoo! My only question about it is: What in the fuckity-fuck fuck do all those other fucking things have to fucking do with fucking SOAP OPERAS????????????

If not for Serial Drama, I just don't think I could take it.

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