1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare This a Dumbass Blog War

You know how there are soapy stories that, while imperfect in execution, sound decent in theory?  (Like for example, the big Brady/DiMera arc on Days that kind of petered out last summer?)  So that when it doesn't turn out well, you just kind of write it off as a risk that didn't pay off?  As opposed to those that were so bad from conception onward that you'd consider submitting the storyline as evidence in a trial entitled Worst Ideas In the History of the Universe versus Innocent Soap Viewers?  Yeah, so . . . guess which side of the fence this "Patrick and Robin, respected doctors and expectant parents, get into a pissing contest via video blog posts instead of actually having a relationship and demonstrating any emotional growth whatsoever" story falls on?

All I can say is that you all are very lucky that yesterday 1) news broke that George Clooney is once again single, and 2) during So You Think You Can Dance they showed a preview for Joshua Jackson's new fall show, confirming that I can legitimately allow my Pacey crush to continue unabated into my mid-30s.  Because without the calming, life-affirming effect of those two events, this post would basically just be expletives and punctuation.  (E.g., "Who the hell runs this sucktastic excuse for a soap effing opera and how hellishly bad to they have to fuck it up in order to get their burned-out asses fired?!?!?!?!?!")  But like I said, none of that!  George, Josh, and lots of alcohol have me prepared to tackle this storyline with minimal cursing and only appropriate usage of exclamation points.

So, I'm sure I don't need to catch any of our readers up on the broad strokes, but just in case:  Dr. Patrick Drake is a neurosurgeon; he fixes broken brains for a living.  It's way impressive.  His hobbies include fearing commitment, bantering, befriending sleazy guys, being hot, resenting his father, flirting, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Robin Scorpio. Dr. Robin Scorpio is, well, she's a doctor who used to specialize in some kind of brain research, but now she's a combination of ER physician and neurosurgeon.  Much like her alleged soulmate, she's way impressive too.  Her hobbies include being adorable, missing her invisible father, tolerating her mother's wacky exploits, hanging out with her girlfriends, getting ill-advised haircuts, planning to store her baby in a closet, being brave, having chemistry with Jason that reminds me of a time when I used to love this show, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Patrick Drake.

Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that these two characters are involved in the first HIV-positive pregnancy storyline in the history of daytime and are played by actors that have insanely good chemistry and have handled everything they've tackled awesomely.

So if you're a writer on General Hospital, what do you do with these two great characters at this juncture of such a significant story?  Well, after making them have the same argument (about commitment, in case you've been comatose) since 2006, you have them engage in a blog war.  There was no error in that sentence -- A GODDAMNED BLOG WAR.  Okay, that was a bit of profanity.  George and Josh do not approve.  Let's let this glorious story speak for itself:

Robin: How many hits have you gotten?
Patrick:  I don't know how many hits I've gotten.
Robin:  I bet you I got more.
Patrick: Robin, we're not going to do this.  You don't look at my blog, I don't look at yours.  We're not going to have a little competition about who has more hits.  We're not going to do it.

Oh, Patrick.  Promises, promises.  But you were just about to get to the really hot and dramatic parts -- image hosting, bandwidth consumption, and comment moderation.  Swoon!

Seriously, you guys, we are watching one of the best couples on this show argue about page loads.  What the hell is happening?!

Even getting past the stupidity of the concept, I don't understand the substance of the blog-based bitching.  For example, Patrick brought Robin a huge stuffed gorilla. 

Now, I admit to being predisposed to think this was a bad idea, as I have a moral opposition to oversized stuffed animals.  I associate them with county fairs and over-the-top high school declarations of love, neither of which I find appealing.  Robin, though, does not have a rock where her heart should be, so she thought the stuffed gorilla was adorable and she and Patrick were all banter-y about it.  Then she went home and did a video blog holding the gorilla, talking about how Patrick is being so "unreasonable and suffocating."  What?  No, seriously, did anyone follow that?  Did I inadvertently fast-forward through a scene that made that whole thing make sense?

What intelligent professional woman starts a blog to bitch about the father of her baby-to-be, much less blogs via video so that everyone knows who she is?  Secret identities are the backbone of the internet!  And what guy reacts by going down to the local bar and having the owner pick up a camcorder so that he can start a revenge blog, to bitch about the mother of his future child and to generally make an ass out of himself by spouting off all kinds of caveman, "me work, hunt, gather -- you nag" nonsense?   Is this storyline designed to make me dislike these characters?  Because I got through Night Shift; I will overcome this too you crazy, chemistry-hating showrunners!  Maybe.  I don't know.  I might not get past this one, y'all.

Beyond the writing, who thought it would be fun for the audience to watch people talking into a portable camera, as seen on laptop computers?

It's like watching some horrible reality show's audition tapes.  (On which without any background, I would find Robin and Patrick both so annoying that I'd be rooting for them to get voted off the island or forced to eat bugs or marry a stripper or whatever.)

Apparently I'm supposed to put all this aside, though, because Robin and Patrick made up (who could have seen this coming?!). 

Robin: Swear you won't look at it?
Patrick:  I will if you will.
Robin:  Pinky swear?

But I refuse, GH!  I refuse to say that Patrick hotly pinky swore, or that these two actors could charm me even if they were wearing orange Crocs, cursing Sephora, and detailing the virtues of According to Jim.  You will not break me.

I will close with this screencap because I like to think it's the exact expressions Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough had when they opened these scripts.

I feel you, guys.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.

Comments

[CHIgirl2112]

I'd be LMAO right now if I wasn't in complete agreement with you and how just silly this s/l is. I haven't seen ONE issue discussed in so many different ways EVER (commitment). Thank GOD that JT and McC are amazing actors or none of us would even be here giving this the attention it doesn't deserve. And to be honeest - even P&R aren't making watching the scenes worth it anymore.

Blogwar? Puhleeze - PTB at GH - call your proctologists ASAP and have them pull your heads out your collective asses. If you cannot find a Dr (and writing for GH doesn't mean you even KNOW what a Dr is)... nevermind - you aren't listening anyway.

[Mel]

Is Patrick running the risk of having his hotly moniker revoked again? And seriously...how bad does Guza & Co. have to be to get fired?!? Days fired their headwriter - in fact, I think they fired the ENTIRE freakin' team! Y&R got rid of LML. AMC has a new writer in place. And yet...Guza, much like his favorite character Sonny, is the one that keeps on ticking. I swear, that man isn't even human.

[Beth R.]

With every passing storyline...every passing second...I am convinced more and more..Guza is blackmailing people to keep this job. I mean he takes storylines that are naturals for Emmys and national media attention (both of which he courts obsessively) and he does THAT with them......the ratings nose dive...his sweeps focus is the never ending goodbye to Micheal..and like a cochoroach..he's still there....it's blackmail..it has to be blackmail

I'm also convinced Guza just now realized this thing called the internet existed. (I know he wrote computer focused stories before but that was before 2000...and Guza tends to not remember last week much less eight years ago) Which would explain suddenly we have TEXT MESSAGE KILLERS and BLOG WARS....and of course...SPinelli to explain it to us all.

[Becky]

"Who the hell runs this sucktastic excuse for a soap effing opera and how hellishly bad to they have to fuck it up in order to get their burned-out asses fired?!?!?!?!?!"

I've asked this question for a l-o-n-g time. The answer to how bad it has to get for Guza & Co. to get fired scares the hell out of me. As stupid as the blog war story is, it doesn't even register on the craptastic scale of unwatchable dreck that GH regularly airs. Has anyone ever told Guza that when you are in a hole of deep sh*t, you should stop digging yourself further in?

[kld0096]

Totally brilliant from start to finish but that final cap was the piece de la resistance. I really wish I could ask the two of them what they thought when they saw it in a situation that allowed them to be brutally honest.

P.S. Thanks for the fabulous news about George! That does make the world a better place.

[midnight_tiptoes]

This whole show reminds me of the Mel Brook's comedy The Producers. Except GH isn't funny. Isn't a surprise hit and....well the only similarties are that I purposely think Guza is running the show into the ground.

I'm so glad I have you guys. I dont watch anymore, but I can stil come to serialdrama and read about all the fun and wild antics I'm missing out on.

[Kat]

The blog war was what made me turn off GH for good. I just could not take the stupidity any more.

[Kat]

And another thing, why is the show dressing Patrick like a total dork? There was that granny sweater a few weeks back, and now the striped shirt.

[keli]

i agree! the blog wars are stupid. kimberly m. and jason thompson are talented actors, it's good that the characters they play are getting air time, but they deserve better material then this! the writing team of GH needs to go. this blog storyline just makes me more glad that my tv won't give me a clear channel.

[tny28]

The blog wars are the lamest thing ever written by Guza and he knows it to.

[lska]

I have to admit that I'm drinking the sand on this one. Damn if they don't look darn cute during their thirty seconds of nonsense a week.

[CHIgirl2112]

OMG!!! Thank you for asking why IS Patrick dressing like a dork! I thought I was the only one having bad flashbacks of Mr. Rogers....

As no one was willing to pitch in for English classes for Spinelli - perhaps we can have a fundraiser for a decent wardorbe for Patrick. Any takers??

[Becky]

But Patrick has dressed like a dork on occasion since his first days on the show. I actually think that JT makes it work. It illustrates a contradiction to his player persona. He's just adorkable underneath the mask, you know.

[Jennifer]

ROFL!! ITA Kate about Patrick's clothes. I don't know what the fuck is going on there.

[Sarah]

GUZA TALKING TO HIMSELF-"Let's see. I have to give Robin and Patrick five minutes a month in hopes they don't quit or threaten to leave when their contracts are up too, like all my beloved mobsters and mob molls. If I screw this up too I'll have to write a whole hour show around Lulu. Hmmm. Could work.

OK, they're doctors...that should mean smart...on GH smart=Spinelli...he's into cyberstuff....like games and blogs....GH & blogs....hmmm.... damn Becca and Mallory and their fashion forward opinions! Stick to bitching about DOOL and Y&R, my show is perfect. Ratings be damned!! I make tumors talk and mobsters lovable heroes. I can do anything. I'm Superman. Who the hell are they?

Complaining soap fans is who, a dime a dozen. Millions of them write me every week. Whiney dumb viewers. Big whoop, who cares about soap fans? Not me! Stupid lowly women. (Note to self, call Mom.) Just because those snarky chicks have better fashion sense and more fans then me, so what.

Back to work...GH & Blogs....Robin and Patrick...GH/Blogs/Robin and Patrick....how can I make this all GHish? Well, since it is a mob based show it has to be violent, mysogynistic, and war related. A blog war! That's it.

GH fans can't be bothered with romance, passion, doctors, humor, families, veterean characters, angst, heartbreak, medical storylines, reality, fantasy, intelligence or any other of that old soap opera crap! My viewers want mob violence and desperate stupid women fighitng to be with men who treat them badly.

So to make Robin and Patrick viable I'll have them engage in a blog war. Perfect. It's ofcourse no mob war, but it'll do in a pinch. If it fails I can just have her shot again or something. She is connected to my mobsters right? I can't remember.

I'm a genius. Maybe next I can get Cameron and Spencer to play war on Spoon Island with their toys....and Jake gets hurt in the crossfire! My fans love to see innocent kids hurt and or killed. Such good drama.

Jake's life threatening injuries send his parents into a torrid unseemly sex act right in the GH nursery. HOT STUFF, better than limo sex even."

[M]

I have to disagree on Patrick's wardrobe - the shirt made him look yummy. And, while I wouldn't want to see it on anyone else (or him again), I think JT looked hot!!

[Beth R.]

Sarah I would laugh but I think that is dangerously close to his thinking pattern and if it wasn't a verbatim quote..you totally just gave him an idea and mapped out the next four months. Thanks for that.

[Cate]

I would really like to find out the genius is that thought it was good story-telling to have two characters who are about to be parents have a blog war. This story had so much potential to be awesome and even ground-breaking, too bad they couldn't get more intelligent people to handle it. Screwing up a story like this must have taken a lot of effort.

[Marianne]

1,2,3,4-I'm done w/this goddamn show as soon as Kimberly is out the door. I can't deal anymore. I just can't. Guza had gold w/these two-GOLD! He didn't really even have to damn try-he could have just told them, "Okay, Robin's pregnant-legacy character viewers watched grow up, first ever HIV+ pregnancy on a soap, issues w/commitment and Patrick's assiness, that's the premise, aaaannnnddd....GO!" And Kimberly and Jason would have brought the shit home for him. Instead, what does this asshole do? He makes Patrick screw the most useless character ever to be useless in the whole history of useless soap characters, including the entire run of Passions, WHILE ROBIN IS FINDING OUT SHE'S PREGNANT. This on top of him having been a total ASSHOLE for most of the previous year. Then he has ROBIN, of all damn people, lie about paternity. Then he turns Patrick into an even BIGGER ass, makes him lust after his "baby's mama's mama"-makes him say dialogue like that-and turns Robin into a caricature of a pregnant woman. Oh, and for all of you who've read the latest issue of SID, Guza intends to add insult to injury, b/c you know when he's going to introduce HIV into the story? The birth. That's right, y'all heard me-THE. BIRTH. That's it. Oh, yeah, and the blog, or vlog, or whatever the fucking hell, war is about to turn into a damn CUSTODY battle-that's right, and according to Guza, it's going to be the funniest shit EVAH.

Fucking piece of shit show. I would rather watch a continuous loop of Babe and her mama and various characters extolling the various ways in which Ryan is AWE.SOME. on AMC than to watch ONE MORE SECOND of this shit. If I didn't love Kimberly McCullough like you love (or Mallory loves-can't remember, sorry)Kelly Ripa, I would totally be done. Please don't re-sign, Kimberly-please don't re-sign.

[B]

Marianne, you are a bigger, better fan of Kimberly than even me because not even her genius can keep me tuning into this crap. I'm out and praying she doesn't re-sign.

And WORD! to your entire post!

[Mary]

While I agree that this storyline is one of the dumbest I've seen in years (remember the Dead Man's Hand anyone?), I have to say that it might be time to bring back the hotly modifier. The look on Patrick's face when he felt the baby kicking make me giggle like a school girl. It was just adorable!

[Sarah]

Mary! OMG, the Dead Man's Hand. That was monumentally stupid. And the excuse to bring Sam to GH. No wonder they rarely find anything interesting to do with her, what a mess.

Maybe Becca and Mallory can hold a contest about what is the worst most offensive storyline ever on a soap. They's have to brake it down into categories because of the wealth of options!

Dead Man's Hand
Blog War
Posessed Marlena
Tad murdering Duke in that custom coffin(can't recall his AMC character's name)
Sam's doppleganger who ballroom danced?!?!?!
Dixie's Death by Poison Flap Jacks
Night Shift

......I could go on for hours :-(

[Sue]

I want to know who Guza is paying off to keep his job b/c GH is a crapfest right now. The only reason I am still watching the show is b/c of Kimberly and Jason. These blog wars are so stupid. Where are the writers that wrote Robin's HIV storyline? I say bring them back to write this pregnancy story b/c what should have been a ground breaking story has turned into a big joke.

[Tabby]

Next to Genie Francis, Kimberly is my *favorite*. Guza is RUINING her. Gah!!

As it is, whenever someone's phone rings on GH, my husband laughs and whispers "It's the text message killer!" lol It's just SO unreal what has happened to my soap.

[Tabby]

Forgot to add, what capped off the ridiculousness of this week was old man Zacharra, yelling "MONKEY!! MONKEY!!" while his house was in flames.

[berlin]

Gut!

[Christopher]

Isn't George Clooney always single? I mean, really, how long can the guy really keep his attention on one chick. Sad, really.