It's Like a Never Ending Quest to Be Worse Than Awful

There's a commercial for Chips Ahoy where a chocolate chip cookie sings "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" to a buxom claymation woman before being eaten by a human that disturbs me on a lot of different levels (why are commercials now stooping to sexualizing chocolate chip cookies? Why would you give your edible product a face and a skeevy personality if the goal is to get people to buy and eat said product? Can you get an STD just from listening to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"? What happened to this cookie and this woman in their respective childhoods that has led them to date outside their species). Like, to the point where I seriously can't watch it. I have no problem watching the creepy ads for The Strangers, but when that Chips Ahoy commercial comes on, I need to change the channel or watch with my hand covering my face.

Today, this commercial came on immediately before AMC and...I actually found myself wishing I could see the commercial again instead of the crap that passes for entertainment on All My Children.

Here's a smattering of what we had to put up with this week:

(1) Okay, technically this is from last week but like reader buddz pointed out, this high horse moment cannot go without a comment:

Tad: You knew, didn't you? You knew about Kendall and Aidan. I'm sorry. It took a lot of work, but Aidan finally told me the truth. He said you had promised never to tell anybody, but I guess you found out about it somehow, huh?

Kendall: Tad, we know that you're upset --

Zach: Let him talk.

Tad: Couldn't believe it. I could not believe it when he told me he was coming to Cambias to work for you. I said it was a mistake, but I guess I was right, because his first day, his first day, you send him on a suicide mission?

Kendall: No, that's not how it happened.

Tad: Oh, please. A man as powerful as Zach Slater finds out you slept with somebody. What do you think is going to happen? That's it? It's history? Well, I don't think--

Kendall: No, so would you stop it?

Tad: Congratulations, Zach. Congratulations, because if you wanted payback, you certainly got it.

Kendall: Look, Tad, I know that you're upset, and I'm so sorry. We're so sorry --

Tad: Spare me your sympathy, please. And I guess it works out nice for you, doesn't it? Because if Aidan is dead, then your betrayal dies with him, or is that the way it was supposed to turn out?

Kendall: No, I never wanted Aidan to get hurt

Tad: Excuse me. I've got to go tell my parents their son is dead

I...I just...I can see why Tad would be upset about Jake and Pine Valley's sexiest piece of driftwood being presumed dead. I can. The death of a sibling is always painful, and losing Aiden means that he's losing the person who always makes him look comparatively smart. So I sympathize. I just feel like there's a proper way to express your anger in a situation, perhaps by writing your thoughts in a letter and not sending it.

I don't think it's normal to self righteously explode at the person who (a)knows that you tortured and buried a man alive (b)stood on trial for a murder you committed (c)is better than you in every conceivable way. Tad really has no etiquette when it comes to dealing with the people he's wronged...

More (and spoilers!) after the jump...

(2)

Greenlee: Oh, Spike, I mean, I wanted to be a mother so badly, I took off with him and he could have been killed in that car accident.

Kendall: I don't want to think about that.

Greenlee: Neither do I, but I did those things, Kendall. And I'm just realizing how selfish I was. Do I really want to be a mother? Am I really cut out for it? No.

Um, just because Greenlee is admitting to being a crazed babynapper doesn't mean that I forgive her for being a crazed babynapper. And does she want a prize for just now realizing that it was selfish to steal a child from a woman in premature labor? It took her, like, a year to have this epiphany? And Kendall is just like, "Water under the bridge! We're best friends! Best best best! Besties!"

You just KNOW that the fallout from Greenlee discovering the truth about Kendall and Aiden's one night stand is going to be longer and more intense than the post-baby theft fallout, and Greenlee will take three times as long to forgive Kendall.

(3) Cassandra's elephant is getting more screentime than Josh and that doesn't sit well with me.

(4) Between Nikki and David's wacky plane ride on Y&R, and Jack and Kendall's cell phone switching shenanigans, I think that soaps have stopped ripping off each other's stories and have decided instead to rip off sitcoms. And not, like, good sitcoms like The Office (season finale tonight: Ohmigod! I did not stop laughing at the Kevin plotline. I am giggling just thinking about it now) or 30 Rock. Like...Rules of Engagement type sitcoms. The AMC writers have a big secret and a cell phone switch is the best they can do? Ugh, lazy lazy lazy.

All of which is bad enough, but it's going to get WORSE.

To protect myself from the heart attack or nervous breakdown that can come from being surprised by the horors that AMC gives us on a daily basis, I've been reading spoilers and they are just...I like to know what I'm up against, you know? But knowing that some of this is coming up just shakes me to my very core.

So, rumor has it that Sydney Penny isn't just leaving the show, but she's going to be killed off, which infuriates me to no end. Did the AMC brass learn NOTHING from the reaction they got after they killed Dixie off? How long can you go on repeating the same mistakes before someone steps in and puts an end to your reign of terror? I'm not even talking being fired, I mean...they deserve to be smited (smote?) for this.

Ugh. Julia's been mostly boring since her return a few years ago, but that has nothing to do with Sydney Penny. The writers just haven't felt like writing for her, for whatever reason. But Julia was a HUGE part of why AMC used to be awesome, she's a classic soap heroine, she was half of an immensely popular supercouple and Sydney Penny is great. So they kill her off? What the fuck ever.

I am just thinking of the possibilities that the Tad/KathyKate/Julia story could have had. Imagine? Now we're going to automatically reunite Tad with his daughter who, by now, is surely going to have a wicked case of PTSD.

Beth Ehlers is leaving Guiding Light and joining AMC as Liza...or Hayley. Soap Opera Weekly says Liza, but there are rumors flying all over the place that it's Hayley, and I have to tell you that if it's Hayley? I am going to probably lose my mind.

If I were to become a crazy, I would be a crazy for Peter Bergman or Kelly Ripa. I LOVE Kelly Ripa. I think she is the most adorable person to ever exist. I once got into an argument with a co-worker about Kelly Ripa's awesomeness; it was a verbal confrontation, not a physical one, but I wouldn't rule a physical confrontation out if someone was really harshing my pro-Ripa buzz. Like, I can see why, hypothetically, people would find her annoying, but those people are wrong. She is the best.

Um, anyway, what I am trying to say is that I could not ever accept a recast of Hayley. I just couldn't. I am sure that Beth Ehlers is phenomenal, I've heard a lot about her being great and I am hoping that one of GL's eight viewers will fill me in about her talent, but...I really hope she's playing Liza so that I don't have to hate her.

(ALSO, if she is playing Hayley, would Mateo be coming back and would he, too, be a recast? Because let me tell you something, if they brought back Hayley and it turns out that she and Mateo broke up?! I would...I would angrily blog about it, like, A LOT)

The lovelies at Daytime Confidential have the scoop that Richie is being killed off. Sob!

How badly did they bungle this character? Billy Miller is charismatic and talented, the character is insane and gives Pine Valley some much needed oomph and his existence means that insults are continuously hurled at Ryan, which makes the world a better place. But heaven forbid we have a legitimately entertaining character on the show, right? We wouldn't want someone fun to watch on a TELEVISION SHOW. Ugh. First they write him into a corner and then they kill him.

I, of course, blame Babe.

The news that they are SORASing Petey Cortlandt and bringing him back on canvas is quite nearly enough to make up for it though. I know that getting my hopes up for this is just, like, putting a big old target on my forehead, begging for disappointment, but I can't help it. The possibilities are so good, you'd have to be a moron to mess them up.

Oh.

Ohhhhh....right.

Comments

[Sarah]

It's all too true and completely tragic. AMC now sucks as bad GH. Frons should be escorted out of the industry by force!

Kevin as "special"! OMG!!! Will this be an ongoing gag next season? Will she always think he's retarded? And will he keep thinking she's into him? HILARIOUS.

Jan is the devil!

Where is Toby really going? I cannot believe he is keeping up this Costa Rica thing. He has a daughter in Scranton. Poor shmuck.

I saw Shrutte sex. My eyes are still burning!!! Angela is a ho! I love her. Engaged to crazy Andy and doing Dwight in the office on the same night. The awesome party she did not plan drove her insane I guess.

Do you know where I can by some of those Mexican cheese doodles so I can skip my period too? Liz Lemon is a goddess :-)

[John]

"Cassandra's elephant is getting more screentime than Josh and that doesn't sit well with me."

Me either. I mean, Josh is hot. And a Kane for goodness sake! He should be front and center. Or at least not relegated to occasionally being seen at Cambias and babysitting Kendall's kids.

I'm also bummed about Richie being killed off. One of the most entertaining characters that, for a while, I wasn't sure how bad he was, and they're killing him off? Plus the fact that another hot guy is being shown the door? (Have you noticed that I'm incredibly shallow?) Talk about an idiotic move. I still enjoy him, even though he's got this thing for Babe. I think this thing is called syphilis. She can pass it on just by being near people, I swear.

And for the record, I blame Babe, too, in case you couldn't tell.

Also the Tad thing? I had a rage blackout at the time, and remembering it nearly put me in one again. It's no wonder Father Clarence keeps showing up for Tad. They both have selective morality.

[Sarah]

Where is original Colby? She got to be so great even though she liked the satan spawn and her momma, Babe and Krystal. New Colby is boring. More AMC suckage.

The elephant thing is killin' me. Maybe GH can bring back Robin's doll with the black pearl eyes. Hello 1980's. Oy.

And the only good thing on AMC now is Angie and Jessie. Now their wedding goes wacko including helicopter jumping/crashing and guns all over that stuffed elephant?

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LOVE AND ROMANCE ABCDAYTIME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I may have to revisit chick lit. Any reccommendations ladies?

[Nancy]

I hate that cookie commercial, too. For the same reasons. I think Bob Guza wrote it.

Why on earth would you kill Julia when Babe is standing there just begging for it!!?????? Oy.

[Mandy]

All My Children is so bad that it makes General Hospital look good. That is a whole new level of awful.

[Kat]

I don't even watch AMC, but even I would be mad, if they broke up Haley and Mateo, mainly because I also think Kelly Ripa rules.

And as someone who has been an on and off viewer of GL for years (now off, very off, since they have gone with their new "realistic" look), I can tell you that Beth Ehlers is very talented. It looks like AMC is now joining GH in having great actors who they screw over with sucky writing.

[M]

OMG, Mallory, I thought I was the only one seriously disturbed by the Chips Ahoy commercial. I really get very sad watching it! I have nothing to say about AMC (I'm only a GH girl) but I couldn't resist commenting on the cookies! :-)

[Anonymous]

I'm a longtime (long suffering) GL fan and I can't imagine that soap without Harley. We feel about Beth Ehlers the way some people feel about Kelly Ripa. They've totally forgotten how to write the character though, it's as if a little bit of Guza is going on over at GL, where all the sudden this feisty, independent heroine is having panic attacks and stealing her neice's boyfriend. And they broke up Harley and Gus for that?

I hear that's why both her and Ricky Paull Goldin left. Word is they see themselves as acting-soulmates (Sniff). So of course when Ricky left to play Jake, GL had to kill Gus onscreen and implant his heart in someone else's chest. Sure, that's the way to handle a supercouple, make sure it's totally dead!

That's about as smart as killing off a beloved character with poison pancakes.

First of all, Beth is too young to really play Liza, but that's no real problem in soapland. What bothers me is the rumor that Ehlers will be in a triangle with Tad and Jake. Are you freaking kidding me? Tad? Between Ryan and Tad haven't we reached the male self-righteous saturation point yet? Tad is such a miserable character, why not give another leading man a chance to be the odd man out in the triangle?

How disgusting was the Tad scene where told Crystal he had no qualms about snatching Kate from her adoptive family and basically ruining her life forever, for his own selfish reasons? I guess I've had it with Tad.

[Cate]

AMC is really testing my love/hate relationship with soap operas. If it wasn't for Thorsten Kaye and his Thorsten Kaye-ness the love side wouldn't even stand a chance.

[Angie]

Preach it Sista! I have to say that IMHO, Tad is the biggest(yes literally!)most self-righteous, pompous, blow-hard jerk-off bully I've ever seen in my life bar none!!! I try to avoid his scenes as much as possible, but when he's in the scene with my Zach, I have no choice but suffer thru it, but I have to say that I find myself throwing things at my tv!! He's insufferable! He's horrible! Why don't they see this & spare us this crap?? I didn't know Puff Taddy before '04, so I only know what I've been told, but I have to say that from where I sit, there is nothing about him that would interest me in the least & I think PV would be much better off if he were killed off. I know that's strong,
but it's exactly the way I feel. He isn't fit to wipe Zach Slater's boots!! ITA with your entire commentary & it makes me wonder just why it was that I switched over to AMC from Y&R--- oh yeah, I remember! Zach Slater
that's who!! If they don't fix what's really wrong with this show soon, instead of bringing back more & more people who are doing nothing to help it, then it won't be long til the axe falls.

[JD]

AMC is infuriating to me. How in the world could they kill Richie off, with all the not so entertaining characters on the show. The comment of greenlee is so wrong in a sense. I know that kidnapping a child is wrong and all but she i guess she figured it was not such a good idea and didnt go through with it. Aiden and Kendall although "justified" onenight stand would have been better off saying the truth from the start. But by hiding it they made it into an affair level.

[Char]

"Worse than awful?" Yes, I've been saying this for ages. It's like they seem challenged to see just how truly horrific they can make it. It makes me long for the good old days when McTrash was writing AMC, FFS. Remember when we thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse than her? It's like TMIC said, oh yeah, you think not? Watch THIS. And the revolving door in casting? Oy. It's like they keep replacing the hoses on a car with a cracked block and expecting it to run. Leave the damn actors alone and get some HWs/EPs that know what they're doing. Lack of acting talent has NEVER been AMC's problem, although they're trying to go from bad to worse in some of those cases too *cough*Colby*cough*Babe*cough*. They actually do have some people on AMC who CAN write, Beall, Walsh, and Beldner come to mind for starters. Why not put THEM in charge and forget about finding the latest out of work meth-addled idiot who's tanked the most shows? Oh and that Chips Ahoy thing? I hate it too and agree that Luza probably DID write it.

[Jamie]

Greenlee figured out it was not a good idea after kidnapping the kid for 20 miles, right after seeing her friend possibly losing her baby nonetheless. The criminal act led to Kendall having to be informed her child was kidnapped and her premature labor starting again for Ian and her other child, Spike, being driven off a cliff. Zach and Kendall are all bygones about that like all that happened was that she was late returning a set of their expensive pens and we get some psuedo recognition from Greenlee that maybe what she did wasn't just a little worse that a cute Greenlee flubber.

Mallory, as always, very enjoyable commentaty. I agreed with every word.

[Cece]

I just really wish Greens could redeem herself for realz. I have never been a Greenlee fan. She annoys me to high heaven. It's like AMC wanted an Erica Jr. and they chose her before discovering the beauty that is Alicia Minshew. Greenlee was only tolerable when she was with Leo, and they threw him over a cliff with his crazy mama. Greenlee really needs to pay for what she did, and spending time in a bunker with my Zach is not it. That is a treat, not a punishment. Instead, they should have made her spend time in the bunker with Babe and her Mama and hear them talk about making grilled cheese sandwiches with curling irons or how they deserve the best because God knows they don't earn it. Man, I hate those two.

[Zelda]

Just stumbled upon this site. I've been watching AMC my whole life. Great commentary here :) No one can replace Kelly Ripa. Did you see Jesse McCartney was on Regis & Kelly this morning? I know it's silly since these people aren't their characters anymore, but I totally geeked out this morning b/c it was like the old days of when JR was Junior & Hailey was still around.