That Sound You Hear Is the Barrel's Bottom Being Scraped

In three short days, The Young and the Restless has given us:

• The marriage of the show's most chemistry free couple
• The engagement of the show's most repulsive couple
• A Hilton
• Wacky airline shenanigans
• The line "Do you think that my job at the gallery is damaging our psychic connection?"
• Tammin Sursok trying to convey heartbreak

Separately, any of the above would cause me to raise one eyebrow and sneer, but to foist upon the audience ALL OF THOSE THINGS in the span of three hours of show, that's...a cry for help.

Remember how Nikki spent eons doing nothing but repeating everything Victor said and occasionally scoffing at Sharon? And we were all like, "Why are you guys wasting the awesomeness of Melody Thomas Scott? Give her something to do!" and the show, like, made her want to be a state senator, and we were all like, "Um, technically I guess you're listening to my feedback..."?

It's kind of like that all over again. Like, yes, I want to see Nikki in a frontburner story because I think Melody Thomas Scott rules at life, but I don't want to see her in a shitty frontburner story because she deserves better than that. And anything involving David Chow is shitty. Which is sad, you know, because David Irizarry was so charming on AMC (and, the story goes, on Guiding Light) but they decided that, rather than exert effort in creating a character that makes sense, they should just cobble together some sort of crap hodgepodge veering from crazy gaslighting adulterer to brilliant political strategerist to former/current gambling addict in hopes that something will stick and that someone, anyone would give a crap about him.

It has not worked thus far.

(I will, though, admit to being excited for the inevitable scene when Nikki discovers that David Chow's "heirloom" ring was actually purchased at, like, Claire's.)

But seriously, this jaunt to Mexico for a quickie marriage, complete with oh-so hilarious hijinks regarding the middle seat on a long plane ride (cranky lady! Snoring! Cat! ELL OH ELL) seems like something out of a Brittany Murphy movie.

[Here's where I'd talk about the utterly gross engagement between Victor, who the writers have been building up more and more lately as the most amazing person in the history of ever to such an extent that I wonder if Eric Braeden is writing his own scenes, and the quite possibly transgendered Sabrina, who is only enjoyable, and that's probably overstating it a bit, when she is on the receiving end of one of Adam's patented bitchy diatribes, but I haven't reached the point in my life yet when I can type words about the two of them without vomiting. It's like the Y&R writers saw the hideous Sonny/Emily pairing as a challenge and are trying their damndest to out Guza Guza]

Jack Abbott has done some shady things in his time and has exhibited questionable judgment on numerous occasions, but nothing has ever indicated that he has vile enough taste to be friends with Kathy Effing Hilton.

The fact that Y&R brought her on as a guest start is a sign of how truly out of touch they are. Really? People want to see the mother of a tabloid pariah who had a reality show with an audience of a dozen viewers? Sure, she's the most tolerable Hilton, but...that's kind of like saying that chlamydia is the most tolerable STD

Somewhere, Balki is like, "Betcha feel stupid for mocking me now, don't you?" I do, Balki. I do.

There are times when Emily O'Brien is so hilarious and charming that I sort of forget that Jana is a psycho murderer and kind of maybe enjoy her a little bit and agree with her Emmy nomination and then they make her talk about auras and karma and psychic connections and I find myself praying for her tumor to come back and kill her. Or kill me.

It's gotten to the point where I can't describe Tammin Sursok's...um..."acting" in words. I've tried, but all of my descriptions come out sounding like they're written by Nell.

I know I always say that I wish Cricket would come back to save this show and that I long for the days when one Y&R day would last three and a half years, and I am usually at least half joking when I say that, but, no. I am totally serious. Think about it! Doesn't an intense closeup of a hyacinth sound sooooo good right about now?

Comments

Damn this show needs Dru like never before. Thankfully, Nia Peeples has left the building. Unfortunately, David and Nikki now truly are the most uninteresting couple on the show.

[Colby]

You really are too hillarious! I discovered your site from welovesoaps.com and I spent a whole friggin night reading all your posts on Y&R. You all make me wish I watched GH or Days since they seem to be your primary focus but I love reading you. And by the way - you're skewering of Heather Stevens when she learned Paul was her father is in my 10 ten blog posts of all time.

[Anonymous]

I thought Y&R hit its all time low when a flying foam rock knocked Victoria out for months during the ridiculous "Up from the Ashes" debacle.

But no. This Sabrina nightmare is it. I also tend to believe Braeden pistol whipped the producers or something in order to get a front burner "love story" especially as he was just ripping the ex-head writer for not writing major romances for the older actors. The last thing I needed to see was Victor wearing a black tank top. Oh no you don't, Y&R. It's bad enough that Nick has been tamed by Phyllis and even worse that Jack has been neutered by Sharon.

What I do need is James Scott wearing any combination of clothes or non-clothes, and even if Days persists down their weird current direction, at least over there I get a soap hunk.

I also have no idea why the show wanted to take an actor who has always been a fan favorite and was a bona fide star on GL as both Nick and Lujack, and turn him into a quasi-villain and gasbag. Watch his old clips on youtube when he was Lujack and Judi Evans was Beth. He was foxy back in the day.

[Spike]

Sure, she's the most tolerable Hilton, but...that's kind of like saying that chlamydia is the most tolerable STD.

Bwahahah!

[lynne]

Everything you said is on the money.

And if I see VICTOR KISS SABRINA ONE MORE TIME, I think I will upchuck, too.

Finally, I know what has been niggling at the back of my mind all this time about Sabrina -- thank you for clarifying -- she does look transgender! And all that French talk! Speak English -- you are in America -- it is not sexy!!

So, I haven't been watching long enough to know: are we supposed to be rooting for Nikki/Victor to get back together (again)?

Oh, btw, I hate Nick/Phyllis.

[Keisha Morgan]

If I wasn't a die hard fan and already invested nearly 17 years of my life on this show I would walk away. You're right, it's getting bad, real bad. Since it's all about Eric Breaden anyway why don't they just call it Victor and the Restless.

[Marone Macaroni]

"Quite possibly transgendered Sabrina"! So true, I knew there was something about her that stood out. Something aside from the fact that she can't act, speaks intermittent French and induces viewer vomiting (when cooing in ecstasy at Victor's wrinkly fingers on her skin). Can't Zapato become rabid and bite her in the ass/chase her out of town?

[Lauren]

Now thats an insult to Brittany Murphay.lol.

[Kiran]

I miss Zapato. Remember when Victor had that happy brain tumor or whatever? I LOVED that Victor. To an unhealthy degree. Can we bring him back?

Also everytime David Chow is on screen I am filled with disgust and a pang for the missed Dr. David Hayward. I mean really he would always call Tad on his shit and bring the snark. I miss him. Vincent Irizzary deserves better.

Adam kinda does it for me though.

[Nancy]

--rather than exert effort in creating a character that makes sense, they should just cobble together some sort of crap hodgepodge veering from crazy gaslighting adulterer to brilliant political strategerist to former/current gambling addict in hopes that something will stick and that someone, anyone would give a crap about him. It has not worked thus far. -- Soooooooo true. But then, Babe Carey, Sam McCall, Claudia Zacchara, Annie Lavery... the list of incredibly poorly thought out soap characters goes on and on through the last many years. The problem is that Vincent Irizarry is awesome and could totally play the uber-villain if they'd just let him. Or, he could be the best Nikki/Victor spoiler ever. If the writing were there... oh, yeah.

As for Victor and Sabrina kissing? Ewww ick yuck ptooey bleah! I had to go gargle with original recipe Listerine after I saw that. Then, of course, there was the brain bleach.

Someone suggested naming the show "The Victor and the Restless." I suggest "The Young... and Victor."

I started watching this show about a year ago, and good lord, it's gotten worse every day. Thank goodness for Serial Drama.

[Lisa]

I've decided my mother is the anti-Serial Drama/TWP. She LOVES Gloria! She had to call and tell me the entire airplane elopement scene! I had to pretend I hadn't already LOLed at all of you dogging on it.

I will confess that I find the Nikki falling for the con man to be realistic for the character. And David Irizarry has not aged well, at all, so he perfectly fits as the sleazy, raggedy kind of guy who hooks up with blowzy, slightly older lonely ladies on those A&E crime shows shows.

I would accept the Nikki storyline, *if* Victor had his mirror story of Sabrina (Jeez, what a name!)being an Adam dupe or at least she's just going to steal all his money and dump his ass.

Then both would be equally humiliated and their so very, very inevitable reunion would be less painful. But that's not going to happen in a million years, Nikki's going to have to be saved by Victor and bleech. Just bleech.

[Dawn]

The only way this show could get me back as a viewer is if, for some reason, Criminal Minds was cancelled and Shemar Moore came back (yum, freaking, yum). Other than that, from what I read, this show still sucks.

[Sue]

I am so sick of Jeff Bardwell that I have started fast forwarding through his scenes!

[jamie]

i love and adore nick and phyllis, they need a real storyline away, far away from the boring quad.

[Chimène]

The paragraph about Victor and "the quite possibly transgendered Sabrina" (JUST my reaction to her!) hit its mark. Analogizing their match with Sonny and Emily is perfect.

Thanks!

[Goddess]

I still can't figure out why they pay Eric Braden the big bucks. If I never hear the phrases, "you got that?!" and "well, I'll be damned," coming out of his mouth again, I'll be a happy woman. Every time he says, "Well, I'll be damned," I think 'you should be for making us sit through this crappy acting'.

[FancastGal]

Thanks for the great post!

I wanted to share this with you. A Young & Restless writer was let go after the Writer's Strike.

Read about her love affair with the soaps on Fancast.com:
http://thebiz.fancast.com/2008/05/deep_soap_the_insiders_guide_t.html