"Creatively Bankrupt Hack" Doesn't Even Do It Justice

Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and the world was like, "Wow! That was pretty great! M. Night Shyamalan is going places"? And then he made Unbreakable and the world was all, "...okay. I see what he was going for". And then came Signs and we all thought to ourselves, "Water? Really? That's the best you can do?". And then when he did The Village we were like, "Seriously, is he just screwing with us"? And then we saw The Lady in the Water and we were all, "SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. JUST STOP. YOU ARE HORRIBLE".

And then he made The Happening which, by all accounts, is just terrible on every level and has been referred to as the most embarrassing thing Mark Wahlberg has ever done, which is a list that includes the Planet of the Apes remake and the Funky Bunch, and you take a break from your anger with M. Night Shyamalan for sucking and get mad at the people who keep giving him the money and the power to make these movies. Like, is he just allowed to coast on The Sixth Sense for the rest of his career? "He made that one good movie ten years ago! Let's throw some more money at him!"

That's kind of the point I'm at with Bob Guza and the brass at ABC Daytime. As much as I hate what Bob Guza is doing--and I do. Oh, how I do--I am equally mad at the people who just keep letting him do it. Look, ABC people, I know that Clink!Boom was a great moment. But that is one scene over the course of a decade spent decimating a show. Are those few seconds, and the rare scenes over the ensuing years that haven't been horrible, REALLY enough to make you overlook the fact that you are hemorrhaging viewers? Because if it is...how do I get a job working for you? I'm kind of interested in going into a line of work where I can tell the same exact story over and over, and do it POORLY, and still have ironclad job security.

After the jump: the GH spoiler that has me all ranty.

So, remember how Carly had sex with Sonny after they left Michael at the care facility? Of course you do. Nobody is lucky enough to successfully repress that memory. And then she had sex with Jax and the entire free world just KNEW that we were being set up for another Who's the Daddy storyline, because daytime doesn't seem to have enough of those.

If only things were that bad. If ONLY GH was simply doing yet another Who's the Daddy story. But no. This is the GH run by Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps, where the worst possible thing you could imagine happening turns out to be the highlight of any given story.

This time, we're going back to Guza's favorite story of all time and Carly, thinking she's pregnant, is going to claim Jason is the father.

Please, take a few minutes and process the stupidity of that sentence.

For starters, this is highly reminiscent of the Victoria/Brad/JT story on The Young and the Restless when they had Victoria suffer a miscarriage just so she could get pregnant with a child and not know who the father was.

And then, the million dollar question: why would anybody be proud of telling the exact same story that they told over ten years ago? It's bad enough when you repeatedly rip off popular movies and stories from other soaps, but to pretty much say, "Yup, we're doing it all again! It's going to be high-larious!"? That's so incomprehensibly lame that I don't even have words for it.

And this:

It's an interesting exercise to see how the character has changed since then.

Um...if this the case, we can already see how the character has changed, and the answer is not at all. Riveting, riveting storytelling, Mr. Guza. We're supposed to think that, despite ten years, two children, countless marriages, and a handful of traumas, it's completely fine that the character of Carly has, apparently, learned nothing and has not grown one iota as a character? Way to piss all over the (regrettably few) moments during which Carly acts like an actual, mature human being, not to mention the entire concept of storytelling as a whole, you loser.

But besides the fact that he's a creatively bankrupt moron with no shame...this story does not make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Like...okay, in one of her aforementioned moments of lucidity, Carly realized that Sonny's presence in her children's lives is dangerous and asked him to give up his legal rights to the boys. So when she is possibly pregnant, she decides to claim that the person who now has Sonny's old job--which, remember, is so dangerous that he can't have his sons in his life--is the father of the baby?

I don't try and pretend that I understand the motivation for the character of Carly. I want no part in deciphering the mind of a woman who dresses the way she does, not to mention a woman who claims that her husband cheated on her after he was raped at gunpoint, or who blames her fiancee for the fact that she cheated on him with the guy she married behind his back or [fill in deranged thing Carly has done here], but you can at least see some sort of thought pattern to her schemes. They are never good thought patterns, but at least they are there. I know that she runs to Jason for everything, but not even that is a good enough reason for her to do this.

And, here's the thing. If you don't know who the father of your possible baby is, and the choice is between your husband and someone else, why not just save everybody a whole mess of chaos and, I don't know...just claim it is your husband's? Especially when your husband is

• Awesome
• A good stepfather to your sons
• Desperate to have a biological child
• Not a career criminal

Bob Guza explains why this is not a good solution:

"If it's Sonny's, having just lost Michael, Sonny would never let this child go and, of course, that would ruin her relationship with Jax. If it's Jax's, Jax is going to be all over her"

...

What the fuck does that even mean? I'm being completely serious: I have no idea what those words mean. "Jax is going to be all over her"? He'll be all over her to what? Take her prenatal vitamins? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. At least the last time Carly had this asinine plan, she was legitimately scared that Tony and/or AJ would take her baby away from her. The biggest risk here is that Jax is going to be a good father to the baby. Which, God forbid, I guess.

But maybe I am overreacting. After all, this is totally funny, you guys!

"This is where it gets a little comedic," grins Guza

Yes, this is a laugh fucking riot! Watch Carly destroy any semblance of character growth she's ever had! LOL! Watch Jax have his heart trampled on again! LOL! Watch Jason eat more airtime in a story he doesn't need to be a part of! LOLOLOLOLOL!

Ugh! Fuck off, you stupid, stupid man.

How does he still have a job? How is that possible?! I hate everything.

Comments

[Desertrose]

For the sake of your health...forget GH and tune into One Life to Life.

Seriously.

This completely justifiable rage towards the moronic misogynistic lunacy once known as GH will damage your psyche.....deeply.

"Carly has changed" ...I spit my breakfast all over the keyboard on that. Guza..are you serious....really?

I hate hate hate with a deep purple passion what Guza et al has done to this once great show. I quit watching last fall and refuse to watch- even tho I love Scrubs and Anna and a few non-mob characters, I turn the damn TV off when GH comes on...or worse yet flip to GL for a few minutes...and then turn it off. LOL

The ONLY good thing left about GH is to read Serial Drama...so...I thank you for your sacrifice putting up with hack writers to give us a good laugh and share your frustration.

Guza SO needs to go...and I would most likely return if he gets his freaky ass fired.

OK..now time to go lower the blood pressure.

[Sue]

I would love to know who Guza is paying off so he can keep his job. How else can a writer who has been recycling the same stupid stories in the past few years and turning a once awesome soap into a bore keep his job. Just look at this week's promo involving Jason and Claudia and a mysterious illness that hits PC. Didn't we just do this story 2years ago with the stupid monkey virus. If it wasn't for scrubs and your awesome column I would be through with this show.

[bubbly1285]

I stick by the theory that he found evidence that Walt Disney was a shady character and is blackmailing ABC. How else could OLTL be so good and GH be so bad?

[Beth]

Once again my decision to stop watching GH weeks ago is confirmed as the right decision. Guza isn't even trying to correct this show! Thank goodness for Ron C. the head writer of OLTL, that show is rocking it out the park! I know you don't watch it, but please know at least one ABC soap has corrected its direction.

[Dia]

... I have no words.

[Joanna]

OLTL is my happy place. I am so glad I stopped watching this sleazy show. Guza needs to be fired for retread after retread. He is smoking that crackpipe too much.

[Sarah]

This article proves Guza has been blackmailing his bosses and the network for years. How else could he still have this job? I weep for what GH once was. Another Carly "who's the daddy" debacle is a sad mess. If Jason goes along with this again I will send manure to GH executive offices! What else can a disgusted viewer do? Besides vent here on your fab blog?

[Kiran]

....WONT TELL JAX THAT SHE HAD A BABY WITH JASON RUIN THEIR RELATIONSHIP?!!!

GOD.

[Kat]

I was trying to compose a response to this, but my brain has literally been fried. I mean, Jax being told that Carly is carrying Jason's baby won't ruin their relationship?

At least I am not a Liason fan, because I would be having a psychotic break if I was.

[Beth R.]

Thank you Kiran...I've been thinking the EXACT same thing on this...claiming she slept with Jason is suppsoed to have ZIPPO effect on her marriage? Then again this is Guza who the last time had a married woman pregnant not by her upstanding husband who was struggling with something but by a shady mobster had everyone who found out about said cheating basically go "oh well it was Jason. of course you would cheat on Lucky with Jason." (and that included Lucky's alleged sister and brother!!!)

I get the feeling that somehow...Guza got told the show was way too dark and now we are cursed with what TSMFRMS thinks is funny....which is the complete opposite obviously of what everyone else thinks is funny. How else do you explain blog wars, Spinelli trying to be a lady killer, and now THIS?

Just what? what? what?

[Jennifer]

I swear, if it wasn't for Maxie and Scrubs.......

[Izzy]

Save yourself and never watch this show again. Seriously, start watching One Life, Guiding Light or As The World Turns. Each is 10x better and more logical then the absolute shite that is GH.

[Kiran]

I guess its because in GH world nailing Jason is like a free pass, like in that Friends episode where that had those lists of people they were allowed to sleep with if they had the chance.

Which just tells you everything you need to know about the show that the ultimate fantasy is monosyllabic, bad haired, baby whispering, brain damaged, blank staring, dressing like its 95, hitman. And NOT the hot, rich, desperate to commit and be a father Australian Adventurer.

[Kiran]

SHES MARRIED TO JAX HE SHOULD BE ALL OVER HER IF HE THINKS SHES HAVING THE CHILD HE SO DESPERATELY WANTS!

OH MY GOD WHAT IS GUZA ON!

[ckn]

"If it's Jax's, Jax is going to be all over her"

That line gets the booby prize. And you are not alone. What the hell does that mean?

I, however, am not surprised that in a blog post containing 1250 words the only statements not making one iota of sense are those coming from Guza's mouth!

[donde]

The is so lame. there are reasons why still tune it and it is Lucky and Sam. GH is just not the same soap. Guza has destroyed it and the only way to get Gh that was once loved is to remove the virus which is Guza. If not General Hospital may not make it beyond 2009

[Karyn]

" If it's Jax's, Jax is going to be all over her"

Someone please explain WTF this moron Bob Guza is talking about. Every time I read your column ladies it reconfirms my decision to tune out GH was the most sound decision I have made in ages.Guza, Phelps, and Frons need to all be sent off to the unemployment line and collecting checks there versus ABC. When oh when is Guza getting his walking papers. I think his crackpipe has finally exploaded.

shut the f*ck up! they are seriously doing this? ridiculous, absolutely preposterous!!!

i have no comments. i agree with everything you said here:

"Watch Carly destroy any semblance of character growth she's ever had! LOL! Watch Jax have his heart trampled on again! LOL! Watch Jason eat more airtime in a story he doesn't need to be a part of! LOLOLOLOLOL!

Ugh! Fuck off, you stupid, stupid man.

How does he still have a job? How is that possible?! I hate everything."

[smirks]

I cannot express in words how much I hate Bob Guza, his wacked out viewpoint, this storyline, and the people who keep letting him ruin my show.

So I'm just going to make angry Hulk-like grunting noises at my laptop screen and hope people understand what that means.

[Cate]

He is a MORON!! I'd be more creative in my name-calling, but creativity and Bob Guza don't exactly go together.

[Tweets]

What the fuck does that even mean? I'm being completely serious: I have no idea what those words mean. "Jax is going to be all over her"? He'll be all over her to what? Take her prenatal vitamins? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
---------------------------------------------
Neither do I...I'm dying laughing over here. This shit is beyond ridiculous. What fucking logic is he using to make Carly claim Jason is her baby daddy when he's the new Mob Boss, and after she's bitched and moaned about danger. And if you're gonna lie...why not just say it's jax's...name a conception date that's waaaaaaayyyyy after the limo sex. There are a million and one ways for Carly to get out of this w/o bringing in an unnecessary 3rd party.

[Elisabeth]

Oh no... just.... no. Oh god, no. Please tell me this is a joke! ::head explodes::

[Gene]

I am feeling for you for watching this crap on tv because the show has been so terrible that I believe Guza is blackmailing someone on the network to keep on working on this crap he is spewing on the screen everyday. I hope OLTL beat GH in the ratings so that something will happen to get rid of Guza and Phelps and Frons and get people on here that can do a job right. I don't blame anyone for quitting if I have to work with this piece of crap everyday. Please someone listen to the fans and do something before there won't be no GH to watch.

[cilla]

I am so happy to be GH free. I went from spot watching to deliberately turning the channel to avoid the decay and character assassination that is GH. I read in a spoiler that Alexis sleeps with Jerry Jacks. Notice how Guza and Phelps Farren either kill every educated, professional woman (Emily--and I did not like NL's Emily--Georgie) or they have smart, independent women fall for murdering thugs (Diana, Alexis, Elizabeth, Kate) or they are written so unappealingly (Lulu, Claudia, Carly). Really there are no characters worth watching. Even Tony Geary and Jane Elliot are not enough to keep me watching this smut. Now I go to the gym: keeps the blood pressure down and these godawful characters off my tv. Guza can choke on his own koolaid.

[aquart]

One single tiny disagreement...totally agree with everything else you said...and I'm a deep CFF.

My disagreement is about choosing the "worst" thing to write...that's a soap writer's job description: pick the absolute worst thing that could happen at any given moment and write it. Guza, unfortunately, can only come up with the same worst things over and over.

[10cupsO'Coffee]

Mallory, seriously, you complete me! LOL. You have said everything I think about GH and said it better than I ever could. But it is like the story of the Emporer's New Clothes. TPTB don't care how many people yell that Guza isn't really wearing any creative clothing at all. He's got them snowed and we are stuck with shitastic writing that is sinking to new levels of stank. The only option we have left is to tune GH out. Now, if only I could give up Liason.....

[Beth]

Mallory, repeat after me...

"I will stop watching this dreck. I will save my sanity. I will turn on OLTL and learn how to laugh at things that are deliberately funny again."

Keep saying that until the bad, bad show goes away.

[Kat]

And here is the other thing I just thought of, is Jason REALLY going to go along with this? AGAIN??? I know he is brain damaged, but as he is able to dress himself, (the same outfit every day, but still) that does not excuse this.

I can just see how this is going to play out. Carly NEEDS him, so he agrees to go along with this, but can't tell Elizabeth of course, so we get more of Jason's SECRET PAIN!

[midnight_tiptoes]

I dont love to hate this character any more. I dont love to hate this show or Jason or Sonny. I FUCKING HATE IT! W.T.F?????????????

::deep breath::

????????????????

stupid &$%#@^$@#&*(%&%$#@!!

[BrainTwin]

I swear to all that is creative (and therefore painfully and obviously NOT written by Bob Guza Jr) that you and I share a brain.

It's like you're right inside my head reading my thoughts!

I honestly feel bad for the actors - such talented people having to turn out that tripe each and every day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And again.