General Hospital Week in Review

There was less stupidity last week than the couple of weeks before that.  Don't get me wrong, there was still lots of stupidity.  There was just . . . less.  By a little bit.  And there were a couple of good fights, which were awesome.  People arguing dramatically about ridiculous situations that will never happen in my regular life is one of the main reasons I love soaps.  Well, it's one of the main reasons I used to love soaps.  I think the love is gone now, replaced by a kind of melancholy tolerance.  But "We mock soaps out of melancholy tolerance.  And hate.  But mostly melancholy tolerance." is a really shitty slogan and wouldn't fit on our banner.

Aaanyway, GH had a week of episodes that I suppose must be reviewed.

Is there a carefully orchestrated campaign to wear me down and make me feel sorry for Spinelli?  First, Sonny -- great man and father that he is -- beat up Spinelli, a dorky man-child about half Sonny's age, without provocation.

You stay classy, Sonny Corinthos.  (I adored Maxie telling Sonny off afterwards.  Get on your with tiny, bitchy, slightly squeaky self!)

Then, Spinelli was all devastated that didn't have sex with Maxie,

which was sad.  So I did start to pity him a bit. 

But then I saw his hair and I crept back into the familiar warm embrace of total annoyance.

People, that is INSANE.

But back in the land of sanity, I did like Mac being all parental.

Maxie's "I can sleep with whoever I want, I'm an adult!" routine might have been a wee bit more convincing if she didn't still have posters taped to her walls and her alleged paramour didn't look like a scared 16-year-old, but whatever, I will take Scorpio scenes however I can get them.

And I was surprised how much I liked Sam and Spinelli's scenes, until I remembered how much I like Kelly Monaco when Sam is out of her "I love the mob and also did you hear that I had a baby who died and that Jason betrayed me and Elizabeth is a bit fat lying liar" rut.

Sam as the knowledgeable mentor is kind of a bizarre angle, but I suppose as long as it's for something simple like getting Maxie's attention and not, say, learning how to ask obvious basic questions about your parentage, I can enjoy it.

Speaking of Sam's parents (well, parent, since apparently she was conceived asexually), y'all know I adore Nancy Lee Grahn.  And when Alexis gets her protective mother groove on and tells off Sonny, it's like my birthday and Christmas wrapped up into one.  So last week, when she went off about wanting him to sign over custody of Kristina and how he can't escape the violence, I did a little internal cheer.

However.

What the hell did the glorious Ms. Grahn do the makeup department?  They sent her out on camera without eye makeup, lipstick, or blush!  When her character was not in a coma, in labor, or buried in the wreck of either a natural disaster or criminally sabotaged form of mass transportation!  (The only circumstances in soapdom in which makeup-less-ness is allowed.)

First Dobson, then the chemo baldness, now this.  Something is amiss. 

Diane can give Cam a run for his money in the "Bitch, please" look department.

I love her disdain for Sonny.  Her involvement as a supposedly upstanding lawyer in the transfer of illegal mob businesses was a bit of a head-scratcher, though I had always found her (and Alexis', for that matter) "oh, my virgin ears!" attitude when Jason and Sonny talked "business" to be ridiculous.  You're a mob lawyer.  Deal with it.  Or just become the DA.  Because that can totally happen.

In the last Week in Review, I was horrified by Kate's pink tweed suit, but little did I know that when we got a wide shot it would be even worse. 

A reminder of what we had already seen:

It turns out that shell underneath [the atrocious plastic-bead trimmed grandma salmon-pink tweed blazer] is ANIMAL PRINT:

But wait, there's more!  The skirt has a PLEATED WAIST:

And she's wearing a fake pearl bracelet!  Holy hell, that outfit is all three generations of the Bush women's worst fashion faux pas in one.  (Barbara, Laura, and whichever of the twins is the one with the wild streak -- because even though they look nothing alike I can never remember which is which.)

And then this blue thing.

It's like a bad Diane Von Furstenberg knockoff, except . . . marsupial.

Dear Costumer,

Megan Ward is gorgeous, tall, and probably 120 pounds.  If you dress her in a way that makes her look chunky, you need to find a different line of work.  Maybe you could get on the writing team?  I don't think experience is a prerequisite.  In fact, it might be a disqualifier.  And plus, since you've already effed up something in a way that makes it seem as though you actually went out of your way to eff it up as badly as possible, you will feel totally at home with that crew. 

Always happy to help,
Becca

I realize that Greg Vaughn and Rebecca Herbst are genetically capable of being together in a scene and having it be anything less than filled with prettiness, but man, you add those two adorable boys to the mix and my TV screen almost exploded into a flurry of animated hearts and smiley faces.

So cute!  I mean, I don't really want Lucky and Elizabeth back together, because I can't imagine what additional soapiness could be mined from that relationship, but still . . . gorgeous like whoa.

On a similar note, finally Lucky and Sam had a couple of scenes together and -- glory be! -- Kelly Monaco has gotten rid of those awful highlights and is back to her normal, beautiful, brunette-that-occurs-in-nature-haired self. 

Those two are a screen full of sexy.  So of course we won't see them until July.

Last week we were spared much more of the dumbass blog war, so Patrick was able to do lots of stuff hotly.

He was hotly flirtatious.  (I know this is a weak way to lead off, but I really needed to post this screencap -- because hello, so hot -- but I couldn't remember what they were actually doing in this frame.  These two are pretty much always flirtatious, so that's what you got.  Anyway, moving on . . .)

And hotly ate ice cream.

And was hotly perplexed by the baby's first kick.

Then hotly delighted to feel it.

Plus, Robin had a conversation with Mac!  About her pregnancy! 

Since her father is invisible, I'll take this for now.

Just as Patrick does virtually everything hotly, Lulu does everything smugly. 

She smugly types on her laptop, smugly rides the elevator, smugly brushes her teeth.

What are they doing with this character?  I am actively rooting for Maxie's plan to break up Lulu and Johnny to work!

Shouldn't we as viewers be even a little bit torn when the "bad" girl is pitted against the "good" girl?  Better yet, shouldn't we be able to tell who is which?

You know I said earlier I love a good soap fight?  I so do.  And do you know who -- to paraphrase Madonna in "Vogue," because I'm way current like that -- gives good fight?  Laura Wright and Ingo Rademacher.  Awesome Writer had Carly and Jax fighting for much of the week, and it was, appropriately, awesome.

Carly:  I know you were hurt when I agreed to ride with Sonny back from Manhattan [Is that what the kids are calling it these days?  -Ed.] after we dropped off Michael.  And I know that you were upset when you woke up and I was gone, but I didn't go see Sonny, okay?
Jax: Doesn't matter if you went to see Sonny, or Jason, or went to Jake's for a beer.  You left me.  I'm your husband and I'm starting to feel like an outsider in this marriage.  [Starting to?!  - Ed.]
Carly: You just don't understand what it's like for me, Jax.
Jax: What I don't understand is why you won't let me in.  Why won't you let me in?
Carly:  I'm sorry that I'm not dealing with my comatose son in a way that's comfortable for you. 
Jax: You know, I'm trying to help.  I've let you unload on me.  I've respected the fact that Jason's been a part of Michael's life since he was a baby, that Sonny's his father, that the three of you have this special bond that pulls you together.
Carly: Nothing is pulling me to Sonny.  [I will not make the obvious "Corinthos wang" joke here.  -Ed.] Nothing.
Jax:  I'm starting to feel like the concerned neighbor.  You know the one that's trying to help by baking a casserole or something?
Carly: ::eyeroll::  [Aw, I bet that was in honor of her dearly departed best friend Courtney.  - Ed.]
Jax:  When you came back from Manhattan, when we made love, I thought great, you know, she's needs me.  Even if it's just a little bit.  And then I wake up and you're gone.  No explanation.  You just couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough.
Carly: That's not true.  That is so not true.
Jax: No.  Of course, you were grieving.  You probably needed someone to confide in.  Somebody else -- because it's never me.  I just don't want to be your afterthought, Carly.  I think we both deserve better than that.

You go, Jasper!  However, Ingo, the mustache?  I do not approve.

Please continue with the verbal ass-kicking.

Carly:  Right now, I feel like Jason is the only person on earth who supports me and who understands me and gives a damn about how I feel --
Jax: Jason is in the same business as Sonny!  I mean, the violence that you're trying to protect Morgan from, it follows Jason around as well.  So when are you going to cut your ties from him, huh?  When are you going to make that clean break?
Carly: I will never end my relationship with Jason.
Jax: Despite the violence.
Carly: Despite anything.
Jax: That's, that's really mature of you Carly.  I'm your husband.  I'm the one that you're supposed to be sharing your life with.
Carly:  Yeah, and you just stood there and admitted that you were talking about me to Kate.  How do you think that makes me feel?
Jax: Are you, are you jealous of Kate, is that what this is about?
Carly:  Kate is selfish.  She took my kid to a warehouse, Jax.
Jax: And she is involved with Sonny.  I suppose that upsets you even more than the fact that her and I are business partners, right?
Carly: I don't give a damn that they're together.
Jax: Well I'd love to believe that.  But you and Sonny, you always find a way back to each other.  And maybe it's the history you share.  Or maybe it's the way you uh -- maybe it's the unique way you guys push each other's buttons.
Carly: What the hell are you trying to say?
Jax: Are you hiding something from me?
Carly:  ::shakes head::  [You sit on a throne of lies!  - Ed.]  I'm on edge, Jax.  I have been on one long, emotional roller coaster starting with getting pregnant and losing the baby, Michael getting shot now he's in a coma.  He's in a facility with beautiful blue walls that he can't even see.
Jax: I know.  You're grieving.  We all are.  But that doesn't give you a reason to take it out on Kate.
Carly: I don't want her near you.  Rationalize that all you want, but that's how I feel.

Much as I hate to admit it, Carly does have reason to be jealous of Kate, given the kiss that Carly doesn't yet know about.  And then Kate had to go and make things worse by getting in on the big argument as well.  She seriously needs to butt the hell out of the Carly/Sonny/Morgan issue, but, as ever, Carly needs to shut up and then shut up some more.

Kate: Sonny and Morgan have both lost Michael.  They need each other right now, and I'm just, I'm respectfully asking that you reconsider your decision to separate them.
Carly: You know, if you had any respect for me at all, you wouldn't be here.  So pay close attention.  If Morgan is near Sonny, it could cost Morgan his life.  This is the only way to keep him safe.
Kate:  Why can't you see that there are other ways to keep Morgan safe?
Carly: You know, I know you're with Sonny, and I'm sure he's more acceptable now, in your circle of friends because he's out of the organization, but my kids aren't part of the bargain, Kate.
Kate: I'm not trying to bargain with you.
Carly:  I can't stand the sight of you.  Is that clear enough?  My son's in a coma because you, on your own, came into my house and took him somewhere without my permission.

Kate:  [MW did an awesome job of looking like she'd just been punched in the stomach here.  - Ed.]  I'm gonna go now.
Carly: Yeah, you do that.  And don't come back.
Jax: That was uncalled for.
Carly: Well, by all means go after her.  But if you do, don't come back.

Remember the good old days (six weeks ago) when Carly was blaming herself for Michael's shooting?  Fun times.

I could ruin my Awesome Fight buzz by pointing out that despite all the truth-telling about Carly's Carly-ness, this week Jax said he wants them to stay together forever, but I won't.  (I think Awesome Writer took a lunch break and the same writer who keeps having characters talk about Carly's great instincts slipped in a page or two.  Bastard.)

Fun pop quiz!  The main romantic lead on this show:

a)  kills people for money
b)  is brain damaged
c)  rarely changes clothes
d)  keeps a box of photos of other people's babies
e)  has chosen being a hitman over being with several awesome, smart, beautiful women (and Courtney)
f)  is an arsonist
e)  all of the above

I think you know the answer.  I'm really looking forward to Jason rounding out his criminal résumé.  Murder, racketeering, arson . . . he's going to have to start moving his way down the ladder if he wants to keep diversifying his illegal pursuits.  Imagine the storyline possibilities -- Jason the [newly promoted yet inexplicably still doing his own dirty work] mob boss steals a Snickers from Walgreens!  Jason trespasses after sunset in the dangerous ass park!

The only thing that lets me have any optimism about this show is that sometime soon we'll have a few weeks during which there will have to be some consistently decent writing, big events, and a focus on relationship -- a sweeps period!  Occasionally GH does those well.  I'm really looking forward to that happening and -

Oh.  Right. 

Damn, this show sucks.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.

Comments

[Beth R.]

Animated hearts and flowers for sure regarding the whole ten freaking seconds of Lucky/Liz/Jake/Cameron. I do admit Jason squirming in secret pain while said ten seconds were going on made it all the more better.

God Love you Jasper....can you just chain the Awesome Writer to you at all times? thanks.

[t]

Keep it a secret but i started to like Carly when she admitted that michael was HER fault (& jason & sonny's). No I am back to actively disliking her - this moment occured during the limo scene (which i will not go into cause ewww).

[Lanie]

Becca when was the last sweeps GH had good writing and scenes. Hmmmm. Can't remember- I certainly can't.

This show is a complete joke.

[Janna]

Nancy has an issue with her corneas that had to be corrected. That explains why she had no eye makeup on.

[Brett]

Becca, wish you'd included a couple of screencaps of the expression on Mac's face after Spinelli left Maxie's room. JJY gives MB a run for his money in the "Duh!" look sweepstakes, except that he does it much, much more middle-aged adorably.

And thanks for the Greg Vaughn screencaps.

[Sarah]

pop quiz part "e".... the courtney bit=PRICELESS

i love being able to hate a character long after they are dead!

[CHIgirl2112]

Spinelli??? Come on...... I will stand firm on MY soapbox that that character is probably the oddest character ever created - and I still havent' figured out WHY he was created. Give me a decent, intelligent sounding English sentence out of him and I might waver - but as long as he talks like a moron......

Patrick was HOT despite the fact the the GH wardobe crew bought last weeks clothes at the estate sale of Mr's Rogers. Horizontal stripes do not look good on ANYONE....

An open letter to Mr Dumbass - I mean Guza - I get that this is a soap opera and that Michael in a coma could very well last until the next century - but please - wrap it up and everything that goes along with it. Focus on how Carly mentally "survives" this drama. Kill Sonny off (sorry Maurice), make Jason the head man - do whatever it is you gotta do - but seriously, quick kicking the dead kid story around.

yes thank goodness for the prettiness of the people on this show, b/c nothing else is redeemable. i actually didn't watch last week, but i guess i'm glad i didn't.

Jason really set Zacchara's house on fire? sheesh. i'm so sick of him. when i watch days without him on, i always seems to enjoy them much more.

on a side note, i know Courtney is hated, but i didn't think she was half as bad as Sam! plus she was pretty. but i guess it's a matter of personal opinion.

this Michael storyline has actually made me feel a few things for Carly, and that is because of Laura Wright and nothing else. i kinda liked her line about Kate taking Michael without her permission. Michael's shooting is many people's fault, and everyone, including Carly, needs to realize that.

has Carly or Sonny admitted to anyone about their little limo tryst? b/c as usual her arguments with Jax sound a thousand times more ridiculous b/c she's harboring this secret, as usual, and just proves Jax's point even more.

[lynne]

Each week, I DVR this show, and each week, I watch less and less. Please continue to transcribe scenes like you did between Jax and Carly cuz I actually enjoy reading them MUCH more than watching them! I'll say it again: Jax is a pussy, and Carly takes Ritalin without a prescription. Jax has been irrevocably ruined for me for putting up with Carly's shit over and over. He may be the most de-balled character in daytime history!

Maxie rules, and Lulu needs to die. Gawd, a whole summer of her and Yawnny is too much! I hope Maxie kicks some serious ass with Lulu, but it seems Guza is trying-without-success to get me to feel sorry for Lulu cuz Maxie is so eviiiil. Not a chance!

And Kate. This woman had a backbone when she first came on. Now all she does is prop up Sonny, and make up the stupidest excuses to justify his behavior and lifestyle. I would love to see Jax grab Kate and give her major tongue right in front of Sonny and Carly with an eat-shit grin on his face.

One can dream.

[Dandesun]

Come over to OLTL and you'll remember why you love soaps. When the town's resident Bad Diva takes over another core family's business with an amazing outfit (including hat and gloves, yo) and nails everyone to the wall while doing so...

Awesome.

PS: OLTL doesn't have a Carly. That gives us loads of bonus points, right?

[Angelique]

Aww, I'm equal opportunity and hate Sam and Courtney.

Carly still winning hypocrite of the year. "Jax, i just don't like her and don't want you to see Kate." Jax, "I feel the same about Jason." Carly, "I will NEVER give up Jason no matter if it keeps me and my kid in danger even though I made Sonny sign him away to keep him out of danger because this story line makes so much sense!"

P.S. Becca, I do believe Megan W is pregnant and they are trying to cover it up. Okay, why they have to cover pregnancies with the most awful clothes ever I don't know but....

[Kat]

That pink suit of Kate's was so hideous that I actually yelled when I saw the full shot of it.

I don't get the wardrobe department. I know that budgets are tight these days, but hello, isn't there a Target nearby? You can get cute stuff. Or maybe they can CGI good wardrobes for their actresses.

[Jenny]

I loved Maxie last week. She made a fool out of herself and proved what a loser she is. Thank you Maxie for proving me right!

Now if they could just keep Scrubs away from their blogs, then I could 100% love them. But as long as this blog crap is in the picture, my love of them is down to 80%. Whoever came up with this blog storyline needs to be fired.

[Lindsey]

Hahaha!! I flov your reviews!! They are a great read........ however, I have to note that I already suffered once through the Carly and Jax's dialog..... and seeing it script.... line by line, in your review...... reminded me just how much I am stick of any conversation Carly and Jax, Sonny and Kate have, ugh......... all I hear now is blah, blah, blah!! Move on GH, it is tried and OLD!! and so are they, haha!

[Gene]

Can we just hang Guza and Frons on the a head on a platter and call it a day? They are ruining this once great soap and making it so unbearable that the ratings is falling so fast that even Vanessa Marcil or Genie Francis can get ratings up with the terrible writing the show been spewing out lately. I just so sick of this soap

[Darcy]

"Dear Costumer,

Megan Ward is gorgeous, tall, and probably 120 pounds. If you dress her in a way that makes her look chunky, you need to find a different line of work. Maybe you could get on the writing team? I don't think experience is a prerequisite. In fact, it might be a disqualifier. And plus, since you've already effed up something in a way that makes it seem as though you actually went out of your way to eff it up as badly as possible, you will feel totally at home with that crew.

Always happy to help, Becca"

LMFAO. Becca, you are a GODDESS in my book!

I don't watch GenHo any more -- it is bad & boring. I just check YouTube for the Maxie and Liason scenes. OLTL is much better.

I fail to see how Guza & Frons & Farren Phelps are still employed. I would have canned their sorry asses years ago. Arrogant idiots.

Damn, this show sucks.

last time i watched GH was over a week ago. Robin is in the same outfit. i just think it's funny.

aside from the completely immature antics of the blog war, i'm loving scrubs these days. they are just so adorable. they are seriously the only couple on GH with any chemistry, and i'm not just talking about looking pretty while standing next to each other like sam and lucky, jason and liz, lulu and johnny, pretty much every other couple aside from anything involving Maxie, b/c that girl has chemistry with even Spinelli, as you say the most asexual being ever.

[kld0096]

FYI: Nancy has corneal abrasions that prevent her from wearing make-up temporarily. This time it's not just an evil make-up department ignoring her or being mean.

That second cap of Spin's hair is going to give me nightmares. I just know it.

[kld0096]

I think you need to add smugly to your every sentence about Ruru (thanks for that gem) as you do for Patrick and hotly. She totally deserves it.

For the record, I know Jax has gotten some good lines but as long as he is still stuck with that banshee it's not enough for me. I won't even give him credit for it. Somehow it's worse to me that he as some awareness of how hideous his marriage is and yet he isn't running away as fast as he possibly can.

I nearly died of shock when Robin & Mac actually discussed her pregnancy. I was happy for a bit until I realized that the bitterness was winning out. Robin simply should NOT be this far along in her pregnancy and not have had more scenes with Mac. Period.

The baby kicking was a great moment for Scrubs but I am very much going to need an end to the most absurd story Scrubs have ever gotten, aka the blog war.

Finally, may I point out one minor thing that I just can't help myself from pointing out? Alexis' daughter is Kristina with a "K". Not that it really matters of course but like I said I could not help myself.

[Vicki]

I'm rooting for Claudia for one reason: bitch slap Lulu and put us all out of our misery.

[Tabby]

LOL "Monkey!!" I still can't stop laughing at this scene. Thanks for the awesome review.

[Roxiebell]

WTF!??? Not one word about Nikolas & Claudia!

[bogiegirl]

I so agree with the travesty that is now GH. I can't even watch old Nurses' Ball clips on YouTube without choking on the bitterness.

Re: Jason and his progressive career demotions - is it my imagination or do I remember him visiting Lila a few years back with a box of peppermints or chocolates that he had just shoplifted? I think I remember Emily calling him on that. I also remember it was very offputting - shoplifting something and offering it to your grandma as a 'thoughtful' gift. Jason makes good money as a mob killer. There is no excuse to steal candy for his grandmother. Especially when that grandmother is Lila! Regardless of everything else he's done, that's his ticket to hell, right there.

[Mel]

Yikes! That picture of Spin's hair makes me wonder...did I miss the sweeps period where the town of Port Charles apparently suffered a storm of epic proportions? Because that is the ONLY explanation for that hair - that, Spinelli, in his cybergeek haze, somehow stumbled unknowingly through a tornado and lived to talk about it.

[V]

Loved your review! I haven't seen this show in over a month and I still love to come and read what you write and those screencaps - HOHOHO, funny. The Spin-head is... nightmarish.

So today I was watching OLTL - the absolute BEST SOAP on ABC! I anticipate the next show every day. You really need to watch it, or read Soaps by Remote and Zara's experiment for two weeks and you'll be hooked (shameless pimping :D ).

Anyway, I caught the first few minutes of GH and the... duh-duh-duh... BlOG WAR!!! WTF?! Honestly, from what I caught and the remarks I seriously believe this is Bob Guza's "up yours" to people like you and we viewers, who write on the internet about how horrible he is and how he should be fired. I really think, from the way Robin went on about how "are there really people out there who call others narcissist? OMG, that's horrible!"

I just got the feeling that was his message to all us naysayers who are coming forward remarking on how bad his writing is. He just doesn't care and we're all so evil thinking such a thing. Silly mortals, that we are.

So, love your blog and keep writing your truthy-truth-telling. ^^

[M]

I watched GH today and saw that Robin asked Patrick what TIIC means...I wonder why someone commenting on her video would have anything to say about THE IDIOTS IN CHARGE when clearly this blog is made by one person. Yes, I realize I'm trying to rationlize nonsense, but still, one has to hope that this was Awesome Writer throwing us poor viewers a bone. Awesome writer knows we're suffering through this crap and must be trying to help us through it, right? Oh, Scrubs, I do love you so and you're the ONLY reason I watch this crapfest. I'm not completely against the blog war but it really is not something I wait for anxiously. Thankfully JT and Kimberly are oh so pretty and have the most realistic chemistry - without them, I'd give up!

[JasonWatcher]

You're always hysterical, but this post was even funnier than usual. Brava!

[Bourgeois Nerd]

"But "We mock soaps out of melancholy tolerance. And hate. But mostly melancholy tolerance." is a really shitty slogan and wouldn't fit on our banner."

I love you.

[rrivera192]

I have been unable to stomach more than 10 minutes of GH for the past month. It was difficult at first, but I now officially no longer watch it. Of course I still read this site. Your hilarious commentary kills me. I have to add my voice to the others who have tried to get you to watch OLTL. It has been great lately and today's episode got me the way Stone's death did in the 1990's. OLTL has me in soap heaven.

[M]

Thanks to the many suggestions made here by posters, I checked out Friday's OLTL. I had forgotten that a soap didn't have to use words like Skank, Whore, Slut and Tramp - they just roll off the tongue on GH that I thought they were commonplace. Now, from what I've read, Friday's OLTL was nothing compared to Wednesday's OLTL (looking forward to Soapnet's weekly marathon) but it was an actual soap! Jessica slapping Nataliew - whoo! Only one complaint...the actress who plays Adriana really isn't good.