In Case You Missed General Hospital This Week
Here's a [paraphrased] recap of some of this week's events, to catch you up. On all the boring boringness that bored every sane viewer into a bored state of boring boredom.
(Side note: "Fun" fact discovered in the course of blog "research" this week, which says really all you need to know about our world today and why we are doomed: Jason Morgan's Wikipedia entry is longer than Nelson Mandela's.)
Jax: Where were you? Are you feeling okay?
Carly: Morgan and I just went to get ice cream.
Jax: Pregnant women crave ice cream!
Carly: Relax, Jax. I told you, I'm not pregnant. Why don't you hang out while I change clothes?
Jax: Do you need help up the stairs?
Carly: No.
Jax: Are you sure? Pregnant women need help up the stairs!
Carly: I'm okay, thanks.
Jax: Are you going to change into another shirt because your current one is too tight around your fetus-protecting midsection?
Carly: Uh, no. I was outside in New York in June; I'm sweaty.
Jax: Pregnant women sweat!
Carly: Yeah. So...changing.
Jax: Pregnant women go through lots of changes!
Carly: You're giving me a headache.
Jax: Pregnant women get headaches!
Carly: You're stressing me out; I'm feeling nauseated.
Jax: Pregnant women get nauseated!
Carly: Right. So, anyway, I'm going upstairs. I think I'll take a bath, too.
Jax: Pregnant women take baths! Should we consider a water birth?!
Carly: Sure.
Jax: So you're saying you are pregnant!
Carly: No.
Jax: Pregnant women are often in denial at first!
Carly: Oh my god, kill me now.
Jax: Pregnant women are sometimes depressed!
Carly: I'm pregnant, and it could be Sonny's or another guy's who is superior in pretty much every way to Sonny, but I told Sonny it's Jason's.
1998: You two-timing bitch!
Patrick: I want you to move in with me and for us to raise this baby together.
Robin: No you don't.
Patrick: I don't want to be a crazy bachelor anymore, I want to be a father to our child.
Robin: No you don't.
Patrick: In hindsight,it was stupid of me to say all that stuff about how I didn't want to be a father. I've had time to think about it, and I do want to be a father to this baby.
Robin: No you don't.
Patrick: I love you and I want us to be together.
Robin: No you don't.
Patrick: I want fried chicken for dinner.
Robin: No you don't.
Patrick: I do everything un-hotly, including un-hotly holding a baby, un-hotly looking at you like you're a crazy person, and un-hotly pretending not to lose my mind over having the same conversation for the 7693rd time.
Robin: No you don't. Wait...
Kate: Eeeee! I'm marrying Sonny!
Lulu, Maxie, Jax, Clarice: Um..."congratulations"?
Kate: This is because I cut my hair, right? That effing bob!
Patrick: We already had our 8765th argument about the baby and our relationship, yes?
Robin: No.
Claudia: HULK WRING TOWEL. HULK THREATEN SPONGE BATH.
Maxie: I'm awesome.
Dr. Matt Hunter: I'm awesomer. You should apologize for running into me and putting your PDA under my shoe to crush.
Maxie: You must be a friend of Patrick's.
Scott: You're still in town?
Logan: Apparently.
Scott: What have you been doing for the last six months?
Logan: I don't know...something about a monkey?
Nikolas: I'm so excited about the Emily Quartermaine Clinic that I built in less than a week.
Nadine: Me too! Squee! Hearts and flowers and happy joy love!
Nikolas: So, the clinic, it's cool -- especially the 80s glass block, formica, and colonial spiral staircase -- but we have no patients.
Nadine: Back in a jif!
Nikolas: Where did you go?
Nadine: The projects!
Nikolas: You went to the projects? Wait, I mean, do we still call them the projects? And...Port Charles has projects?
Nadine: Yes! They were filled with people who needed a little cheer! And health care!
Nikolas: O...kay. So we have patients now.
Nadine: We do! I mean, you do. Or I do. Not that there's a we. Not that I want there to be a we. Not that I don't want that, but....happy joy love! Everything exactly the opposite of Claudia Zacchara!
Nikolas: I have to go now.
Nadine: Going is so awesome! I love to go! I don't know if you want to go with me, but if you did, going with me would be awesome. I'm totally up for going.
Nikolas: Uh huh.
Diane: I am far too bright and delightfully bitchy for this town. Also, that Carly is dumb as a bag of rocks. Dumb rocks.
Everyone everywhere: Word.
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.
I normally mute CarJax scenes due to the fact that I consider watching them to be a health-hazard. When I read your "transcript", I initially thought that maybe that's ACTUALLY how that scene might've played out. But then I got to the Patrick/Robin scenes, which I DID watch...although it felt like I was just watching a repeat episode.
Why do we bother w/ this "emmy award winning" show again?
Posted by: Mel | June 27, 2008 at 11:37 PM
"1998: You two-timing bitch!"
LMAO!
Posted by: Sarah | June 27, 2008 at 11:46 PM
About everything you said: WORD!!!
But you missed the thing that made my blood boil hottest this week: Jerxis. A former mobster who FATHERED Kristina is dangerous, but a hostage-taking, innocent-person-shooting sociopathic killer is a-okay. Especially if he confirms everything we know to be true about his homicidal tendencies by offering to take someone out for you. Um, okay, Alexis.
And can I just add, how did Alexis find out that Logan threw the first punches "without interviewing any witnesses"? Did she call the Psychic Friends? And why the hell wouldn't they then throw Logan in jail?
I hate this shitty piece-of-shit show. I hate Guza and JFP. Because I now want to hit a pregnant woman for being so fucking assinine. I guess now he's happy, because I hate most of the women on this show as much as Guza apparently hates the whole of womankind. Patrick, three words. Sue for custody.
Posted by: amiejayne | June 28, 2008 at 12:26 AM
Hulk threatens sponge bath... I LOVE YOU!
Something about a monkey.... I REALLY LOVE YOU!
Guza redoing the storyline that was the beginning of the end of the Jason Morgan character..... SUCKAGE BEYOND HORROR!
Posted by: Sarah | June 28, 2008 at 12:49 AM
"Carly: Oh my god, kill me now." Yeah that pretty much sums up the General Hospital viewing experience!
Posted by: Cate | June 28, 2008 at 12:50 AM
um, word to it all...
except i kind of can't believe you two didn't mention the POSITIVELY HIDEOUS shirt carly was wearing today. MY GOD. that's the worst one in months.
Posted by: mia | June 28, 2008 at 03:20 AM
Perfection, just sheer perfection. You've encapsulated Jax perfectly in your scenario, and Robin for that matter. Why are two people I once liked sucking?
Posted by: Nolebucgrl | June 28, 2008 at 08:03 AM
LOL! For a moment there, I thought those were real dialogues
Posted by: Shawn | June 28, 2008 at 08:12 AM
Oh too funny!!! I must come back and read your stuff!
Posted by: Leslee | June 28, 2008 at 08:23 AM
Becca, You're dead on, as usual, with everything. This show, much like Carly, is "dumb as a bag of dumb rocks"...WORD!!!!
HULK WRING TOWEL - I'm rolling overe here! Altough, I will admit, she was more tolerable to me this week. Maybe I was just blinded by the sheer stupidity of the virus storyline?? Oh, yes, that must be it.
Posted by: M | June 28, 2008 at 08:55 AM
Any love for GH I had is completely gone. Scrubs my last link is history. I know they have their fans, but I see nothing remotely interesting or soapy about this couple at all. They look cute together but they belong on a sitcom versus a soap. And perhaps that is what GH is trying to become. A cheap CW sitcom.
Carly and Jax. Not enough words. Same story same story also.
Nikolas and Nadine and Claudia. This alleged triangle with horrible characters and a great legacy character is the most laughable thing on this show and their not intending it to be which is sad.
Jason Cook. Go back to whatever hole you were in. His voice and demeanor still annoy the heck out of me.
Posted by: Joanna | June 28, 2008 at 09:46 AM
This made me LMAO - not that I'll stop watching but yeah the Patrick/Robin chat UGH.
1998 - yeah I thought I was deja vu'ing! I was kind of liking Carly but I guess TPTB want to re-hash for the "kiddies" that were too young to watch before. UGH
Posted by: Gerri | June 28, 2008 at 12:03 PM
When a soap is this bad and insulting to its audience, at the least the cast should be stacked with unnaturally attractive actors, just like "Passions."
That's the real tragedy of "General Hospital" - there are genuinely good actors and characters here, but they're all trapped in this Hell of bad writing.
Posted by: Chad | June 28, 2008 at 02:28 PM
"Patrick: I want fried chicken for dinner.
Robin: No you don't." you are too funny. its true she is always telling him what he's thinking. i just want patrick to tell her at this point fine robin you win ill leave you alone and i ll be back in a few months to sue you for joint custody. i cant even comment on the lunacy of this carly pretending jason is her non baby's father. why do i watch this show instead of only watching the always awesome oltl?
Posted by: natty3 | June 28, 2008 at 02:34 PM
LMAO! Ah, that was so funny. I thought it was real dialogue from this dumb show until I came to Hulk-Claude.
(Of course, this could be because I haven't seen this show for over two months, but did happen to see that dumb Maxie and new doctor PDA scene. They couldn't bring on a doctor who acts like a normal person would act if they stepped on someone's expensive tech equipment? Do they seriously want to bring another a** male on the canvas? Do They?)
Oh man, you seriously need to watch OLTL for your sanity.
"WORD!"
Posted by: V | June 28, 2008 at 06:10 PM
I accidentally caught the Maxie/new doc/PDA scene. So bad...like this whole show. Do they really need another arrogant a**hat on there?
And when I think this mess was awarded "Best Show"??!! Makes me throw up in my mouth a little every time I see it on their stupid self-promotions.
You guys are the only good thing about GH anymore......at least your stuff makes me laugh!Ya'll rock!!
(Thank god I can watch OLTL and remember what a real soap is.)
Posted by: Desertrose | June 28, 2008 at 08:09 PM
I was hoping that because I found Jason Cooke hot at the Emmys I might like him here. I didnt. Also I didnt think he and Krisin Storms had any chemistry on Days, and their scene just brought back painful memories of them swimming in a lagoon and Belle declaring that they could have unprotected sex because "I know my cycle."
Couldnt they at least have made him an Intern? He looks waaaay too young for a resident.
Posted by: Kiran | June 28, 2008 at 08:26 PM
*wiping tears from eyes, picking self up from off floor*
Between the Scrubs convo, the Hulk, and Nik and the PuppetMaster, you've outdone yourself! THANK YOU for the belly laughs!
Posted by: Beth | June 28, 2008 at 09:33 PM
It still boggles the mind how this show could take Scrubs, with all their hotness and cuteness and chemistry and all around adorableness and make them totally UNWATCHABLE!
How, HOW does this happen! And now Guza probably has a contract for life because of that Emmy award that he must have blackmailed someone to get.
Posted by: Kat | June 28, 2008 at 10:46 PM
Is there ONE happy couple on this freaking show?
I really had hope for Patrick and Robin. I just love Kimberly Mc Cullough, but they are ruining her by making her a total bitch.
I'm tired of watching their story like they're on a merry go round. Let ONE couple be happy. Just ONE. UGH.
LOL@ the monkey comment. Thanks to Anthony Zacchara, I can't look at Logan anymore and not think "MONKEY!"
One more potential legacy character they are ruining.
Posted by: Tabby | June 28, 2008 at 10:53 PM
You missed this part though:
Robin: I don't want to live with you.
Patrick: Then I don't get to be a father.
Robin: I didn't say that. You can be involved with this baby without living together.
Patrick : You're denying me my baby and I'm going to find some crack addled judge to entertain a petition for me to visit your uterus.
Robin: Good luck buddy, this isn't the dark ages. Oh wait this is Port Charles, shit.
Posted by: | June 28, 2008 at 10:56 PM
"1998: You two-timing bitch!"
OMG....LOL!!! Too Funny & So True.
Posted by: | June 28, 2008 at 11:53 PM
You know, I think I'd rather just read more updates like these instead of actually trying to convince myself to watch this effin' show. Much more entertaining with a nice side effect of NOT wanting to shoot myself! Which, hey, I hear that's a good thing.
Posted by: Val | June 29, 2008 at 01:58 AM
The crap this show has become continues to bring me great pain... Thank you for ALWAYS bringing humor to this garbage.... OH HOW I MISS HOW GOOD THIS SHOW WAS FOR SO LONG...
PS.. This business of Alexis being threatened by Anthony Zacchara, Alexis is a Cassadine for God's sake... A CASSADINE, I know her and Nicolas are the "good" Cassadines but seriously... I can't even clearly express my feelings about this, about any of it... I hate that this show makes me so mad!!!
Posted by: Anne Marie | June 29, 2008 at 10:29 PM
Love it all...but you forgot one thing....
After 1998 went all off on Carly...
Morgan: Umm mom? WAY too much information.
Posted by: Beth R. | June 29, 2008 at 10:51 PM
After reading these posts, I'm ecstatic I broke the GH addiction about 6 weeks ago. Years of stopping my day to watch GH long after it was watchable was a habit I had to break. There isn't one character of depth or one somewhat happy couple on screen. Storylines going nowhere, couples repeating the same drivel day in day out, uninteresting characters, no real plot except for the nth time, who's the babydaddy. I encourage everyone so dissatisfied to say no to this crap and turn off your tv and do something instead for YOU! Exercise, take a walk, go to a gym, treat yourself to a manicure or spa treatment. You'll feel better and you won't have that pent up anger at a silly show that disrespects its own history and throws it in your face. You will feel lighter because you are no longer wallowing in garbage. Just give it a try.
Posted by: cilla | June 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Frankly, I was glad to see Robin acting like someone returned her brain to her-or at least switched it from "dimple=God" mode. She didn't say he couldn't be a father to his child-she said she and the baby weren't going to live w/him. She also said she doesn't trust what he says-I for one, can't imagine why *rolls eyes so far back in head that they become stuck*.....She never said he couldn't be a father-she said she's not going to build she and the baby's lives around him when he has proven, TIME AND TIME AGAIN, that he is not trustworthy, he has the crisis-time conversions....and then he converts back to the way he was before. What about that screams "dependable enough to raise a child with"? She gives him MONTHS to diddle-ass around trying to make up his mind about what kind of role, if any, he wants in this kid's life....and now she's a bitch b/c he's all of a sudden ready, he's said jump and she's not leaping to her feet and asking how high? After all, he's a hot guy, so he, of course, gets to be the one to decide when and how and where, right? Hey, Mr. Frons-I think the training is complete.
And as for the petition for visitation w/a child still in utero? BWAH! Cause, I mean, NO ONE in this country has heard of Roe Vs. Wade, or the fact that a father has ZERO say in whether or not a mother can have an abortion-and they want me to believe, considering that precedent, that a judge would even agree to HEAR a petition for visitation w/an unborn child?!
Posted by: Marianne | June 30, 2008 at 12:21 PM
Oh dear god...why do I keep watching?? WHY! That whole Jax scenario you wrote is exactly what I heard - yep, that was it!
"I don't want you turning that door knob! It might hurt the baby-that-I-don't-know-actually-exists-yet-but-Guza-writes
-me-like-such-an-overbearing-douchebag-who-only -marries-women-to-attempt-to-implant-my-seed-so-that-
I-must-assume-that-there-IS-a-baby!"
Gag.
I'm sorry, I do happen to love the Spinelli character WHEN THEY GIVE HIM SOMETHING DECENT TO SAY AND DO (i.e. last summer during his JaSpin moments when he had decent, insightful, non-dork things to say to Jason, which actually made me like Jason - WHAT?) I think Maxie and Spinelli make an adorable couple, but Guza can't let that happen. Lulu and Spinelli? Nope, bring in that non-acting hack, Logan. Georgie? Nope, DIE BITCH! Nadine? Sorry, only have eyes for a guy who is so far out of my league and intelligence level, I might as well try for Bill Gates! Maxie? Nope, let's get her a new non-acting dillweed to shoot for! BRING IN CAPTAIN BLAND! Is this guy for real?
Robin? Yep, I hate her now, too. Lulu and Robin - two legacy characters Guza has made me hate. Did his mother beat him? Has he impregnated unsuspecting date-rape victims who have used these lame scenarios on him in order to avoid being near him again? Has he actually tried to obtain visitation with a uterus??
Can someone on here please do a quick summary of OLTL so I can have some clue of what's going on when I start watching it this week? I've got to find a new soap!
Posted by: R. Thurston | June 30, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Just a question:
Has GH introduced a LIKABLE doctor even once in, like, the last ten freaking years???
(PS The ponytail doctor from Night Shift doesn't count. 1) He had a ponytail in 2007. 2) He only appeared on GH proper like twice.)
Posted by: kitzie | June 30, 2008 at 08:34 PM
OMG - will somebody effin' put me out of my misery??? Congratulations Guza - you RUINED Da Scrubbies.
Jackass.
Posted by: CHIgirl | July 01, 2008 at 07:08 PM