Serial Drama

The Young and the Restless Week in Review

A few things happened in Genoa City this recently: Victor and his pregnant child bride made their union legal. Lily turned 21. Michael learned the truth about his father. Sounds pretty good, huh?

I'll ask you guys: what did you think of The Young and the Restless this week?

Nikki: I found it utterly painful. It just...it hurts to watch it. Can boredom actually kill you? Because I feel my brain swelling just thinking about it. David Chow, for God's sake. I'm better than this. America is better than this.

Neil: I thought it was sort of boring-
Victor: Youdidnotthinkitwasboring,youthoughtitwasthoroughlyenjoyable
Neil: I thought it was thoroughly enjoyable

Lily: I, like, totally need a drink right now

Michael: I, like, totally need five more of these

Katherine: This show will be cancelled in a year!

Well, that's a little drastic, but I kind of see her point...

If you just read a short recap of the week's events, you'd probably bet that the week was pretty entertaining over all. I hope for your sake that you wouldn't wager much, because, in true Y&R fashion, none of them were properly compelling. I don't know how you take a creepy and ill-advised wedding, a 21st birthday and the discovery of a secret that's been a couple of years in the making and make them boring, but I guess when there's a will, there's a way, and Maria Arena Bell has a will. I just wish the will weren't an all-encompassing desire to sap the world of entertainment.

Before I start, I'd like to give an overdue shoutout to Tammin Sursok. Yes, that Tammin Sursok. I know, right? Well, I like to give credit where credit is due, and she looked absolutely STUNNING at the Daytime Emmys last week. If I had seen her, I probably would have called her one of my favorite looks of the evening. Gorgeous! The color, the dress, the hair. Even the Fivehead is under control. Loved it.

But SOAPNet felt it more important for me to see Regis Philbin yammer on about something, and watch not one, but two segments about some imaginary Vanessa Hudgens ripoff. Those bastards will not stop until they take away everything I hold dear.

In Case You Missed General Hospital This Week

Here's a [paraphrased] recap of some of this week's events, to catch you up.  On all the boring boringness that bored every sane viewer into a bored state of boring boredom.

(Side note:  "Fun" fact discovered in the course of blog "research" this week, which says really all you need to know about our world today and why we are doomed:  Jason Morgan's Wikipedia entry is longer than Nelson Mandela's.)

Jax:  Where were you?  Are you feeling okay?
Carly:  Morgan and I just went to get ice cream.
Jax:  Pregnant women crave ice cream!
Carly:  Relax, Jax.  I told you, I'm not pregnant.  Why don't you hang out while I change clothes?
Jax:  Do you need help up the stairs?
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Are you sure?  Pregnant women need help up the stairs!
Carly:  I'm okay, thanks.
Jax:  Are you going to change into another shirt because your current one is too tight around your fetus-protecting midsection?
Carly:  Uh, no.  I was outside in New York in June; I'm sweaty. 
Jax:  Pregnant women sweat!
Carly:  Yeah.  So...changing.
Jax:  Pregnant women go through lots of changes!
Carly:  You're giving me a headache.
Jax:  Pregnant women get headaches!
Carly:  You're stressing me out; I'm feeling nauseated.
Jax:  Pregnant women get nauseated!
Carly:  Right.  So, anyway, I'm going upstairs.  I think I'll take a bath, too.
Jax:  Pregnant women take baths!  Should we consider a water birth?!
Carly:  Sure.
Jax:  So you're saying you are pregnant!
Carly:  No.
Jax:  Pregnant women are often in denial at first!
Carly:  Oh my god, kill me now.
Jax:  Pregnant women are sometimes depressed!

Carly: I'm pregnant, and it could be Sonny's or another guy's who is superior in pretty much every way to Sonny, but I told Sonny it's Jason's.
1998: You two-timing bitch!

My Kingdom for a Likeable Character

I was trying to think of a way to describe the current state of All My Children, and the closest I could come up with was...okay, you know Steely Dan? I HATE Steely Dan. I know that's, like, a weird complaint for someone my age to have in the year 2008 but I have to be perfectly honest and tell you that when I hear "Rikki Don't Lose That Number", I feel like stabbing myself in the eye.

AMC circa June 2008 is what would happen if there was an all-Steely Dan radio station that was just non stop AWFULNESS. What good thing is there on this show right now? Besides Myrtle! Myrtle is the exception that proves my rule. Even Angie and Jesse, love them though I do, are having circular conversations, which give me motion sickness.

I was all set--and I am well aware of how utterly tragic this is--to look forward to Charles Pratt Jr's episodes starting to air, because surely he must realize that you can't have a soap that is just sucky people doing things suckily, but then I remembered who I was talking about, which reminds me:

Dear Charles Pratt Jr.,

Charles--can I call you Charles?--I know you probably could not care less about what I think about your skills as a writer, because I'm a lowly soap blogger and not even a Nielsen viewer, but whatever. I put up with a whole lot of crappy storylines while you were writing for General Hospital. You're lucky that I haven't filed a lawsuit on account of the PTSD I surely have from those stories. So the least you could do is listen to me for a second.

I'm actually trying to go into this whole thing with an open mind because, hello, you have to be better than Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown, right? I know that I said the same thing when they replaced Megan McTavish, but okay...I'm just going to come right out and say it: when you have a reputation for being the weak link in a partnership with the biggest hack writer currently polluting the daytime scene, it's probably NOT wise to create a new character and give her the same exact name as a character on your old, classic show. Unless this was all a ploy to get me to remember that you were a Melrose writer, because you knew that if I have a soft spot for anything, it's Melrose Place. If that's the case...nicely done, Charles Pratt Jr.

Sincerely,
Mallory
PS: Can you please change Spike's name? I mean, if the Buffy association wasn't problematic enough, he also shares a name with the biggest douchebag to ever appear on Top Chef, so please just do the kind thing and give this child a different name.  Thank you in advance.

General Hospital Week in Review

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I had predicted that General Hospital would win the best drama series Emmy, pretty much since the nominations came out.  (You can never go wrong underestimating the taste and intellect of award show voters!)  That may be why I haven't gone completely postal about it.  I'm having a reasonable person's reaction, by pretending it didn't happen.  Wait, that's not true, the reasonable person doesn't even watch the Daytime Emmys.  So, I guess I'm having as reasonable a reaction as I can to something as inexplicable as this terrible show being named the best in daytime.  That being said, this Week in Review is going to focus (mostly) on the things that didn't suck last week.  (I know what you're thinking -- cool, quick read!)  There were no serious felonies or misogynistic moments, so it was better than many weeks.  And sure, there was at least one partial character assassination (Alexis -- she and Jerry are getting a separate post, y'all), but nothing that made me get super ragey or yelly.  There will be lots of that coming up, though, so I need to rest up.

Lest you think I've gone soft, or started smoking the truly good stuff that Emmy voters obviously do, I have not forgotten that this show often seems like the only thing it is excellent at is being terrible.  I cannot improve on Mallory's summary of the last year's GH abominations when the nominations were first announced, so I'm going to be lazy and just quote her:

But that show seems downright brilliant compared to General Hospital, which I have come to conclude is not meant to be entertainment but, rather, serves merely as a vehicle for the powers-that-be to give the finger to their actors, their audience, people who have heard of General Hospital, people who work at hospitals and the person who invented the television. Because the fact that this EFFING SHOW was rewarded with a chance to be called Outstanding Daytime Drama in a year that brought us the firing of Stuart Damon and his subsequent humiliation via tracksuits, the intelligence insulting reveal that James Craig is Jerry Jacks, two ridiculous trials that showed us exactly how little the writers care about logic or the real world, ongoing blatant disrespect of Genie Francis, the rape of a character being played as him breaking his marriage vows in a hilarious way, the out of nowhere obsession Robin had with having a child, the violent murder of Emily Quartermaine, Emily's happy ghost, obvious rewrites of stories that weren't good to start with, the violent murder of Georgie Jones, a shitty spinoff and Steve Burton's hair, amongst other atrocities, is so unspeakably wrong that I don't even know how to process it.

Denial is how I'm processing the win, clearly.  Denial.

Lucky and Sam are adorable together.  If you had told me a year ago that I'd be typing that, I would have looked at you like you thought General Hospital was the best soap on the air.  But it's true, and their Mexican adventure was easily the highlight of the week.

"Lucky, it's called cleavage, and it's the best weapon we've got."  Words to live by, girlfriend.  (Aw, and that reminds me, Sam's delight at Lucky calling her his girlfriend was cute.)

They're even cute camping.  Camping!  I don't think I've found camping adorable since The Parent Trap, and I'm pretty sure that was only because it was mixed with gaslighting the bitchy potential stepmom.

Plus, Sam was in full makeup and wore gigantic 4" wood-heeled sandals throughout the camping scenes!  So soapy.

Now that they're back in Port Charles, I just hope Sam and Lucky remain entertaining.  Almost nobody else does, but you know, hope springs eternal.

There was one off moment:

Sam: ...I think it must be the jet lag.
Lucky:  No no no -- we didn't change time zones.

Really?  Between Mexico and New York?  Yes, you did.

This is the kind of thing I don't get.  It's summer.  Does GH not have at least one intern?  Who can operate that really tricky technology known as Google?  College students will do literally anything for money, and they'll even do most of it for free!  I don't understand.  Is there no quality control at all on the writing of this show?  Can Awesome Writer not be assigned to proofreading?   S/he gets little else to do.

Oh, right, positive.  I'm supposed to be positive.  Um...Maxie wore a cute outfit!

Further Evidence of How Bad the Emmy Pre-Show Was

We did not get to see this, an ensemble that would have provided endless fodder throughout the live blogging.  I could have thought of it when GH won for best drama series and smiled, instead of crying and throwing things.  I mean seriously, Judith Chapman has a fan AND a parasol!  While attired in black silk pajamas!  Fantastic.

Also, our readers kindly pointed out that while Jason Thompson may in fact have been hotly absent, James Scott was very much present; he was just ignored by all camerapeople during both the pre-show and the ceremony.  The only reasonable explanation is that including him would have made the other men feel bad about themselves; his exclusion was a self-esteem-building exercise.  Well done, ABC!

Daytime Emmys Recap: Best and Worst Dressed

Over the years, you may have noticed that we like to harp on certain things. And by certain things, we mean "everything". But one of our favorite things to discuss is soap fashion, hair and makeup. So, needless to say, the Daytime Emmys are always a favorite night, since we get to drool over the great fashion choices and mock the huge fashion mistakes.

Our picks for the evening's Best Dressed

• Debbi Morgan:  We believe the word is "flawless."
• Kirsten Storms:  Her look is pretty and youthful, and she looks fabulous.
• Michelle Stafford:  She is incapable of looking bad.
• Rachel Melvin:  The hair isn't her best moment, but the vibrant yellow dress is beautiful.
• Susan Lucci:  Say what you will about La Lucci, but she knows how to dress. Stunning!

poll by twiigs.com

And our picks for Worst Dressed

• Jeanne Cooper:  Even though she's fierce and even though she could kick both of our asses (and would probably do it with her new Emmy statuette!), we just didn't get it.  It hurt us.
• Judi Evans:  From the Blanche Deveraux-approved gown to the formal mullet, this did not work on any level.
• Melissa Archer:  The last time this would have been a good look was a homecoming dance in 1997 where the song of the night was "My Heart Will Go On" and even that is pushing it a bit.
• Rebecca Budig:  It's almost like she got tired of being so incredibly pretty and adorable and said, "You know what, I'm going to try looking horrible for once!"  Which is fine as a social experiment, but don't do it the night of the Emmys!
• Tyra Banks:  She...is just the worst.

poll by twiigs.com

Daytime Emmys Recap: The Night's Biggest Tragedy

From the undeserving wins to the truly bizarre fashion choices, this year's Daytime Emmys ceremony was an exercise in awfulness and was boring on top of it. But which of the night's myriad tragedies was the most tragic?

poll by twiigs.com

Daytime Emmys Recap: Most Awesome Moment

The 2008 Daytime Emmy Awards, from red carpet pre-show to the end of the ceremony, were four hours of crap. But there were a few awesome moments that shone through like beacons of light in a sea full of...sludge. Boring, Brian Frons produced sludge.

poll by twiigs.com

Daytime Emmys Recap: The Lesser of Two Evils

The mood today at Serial Drama is pretty somber, as we're both in mourning. We're sad for the deserving people who lost. We're sad for everybody who sat through that terrible show with us.

And most of all, we're sad that Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps have earned themselves even tighter job security by winning an award they had absolutely no right to even be nominated for. It's just...wrong.

Comparing people to the utterly vile Heidi and Spencer of The Hills has become shorthand for describing true awfulness. But how does MTV's gruesome twosome stack up against the duo currently running General Hospital into the ground?

poll by twiigs.com

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch.  This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?

Mallory (8:03:02 PM): This is easily the best AMC related thing to happen in months, by the way. Make of that what you will
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track?  Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.

Becca (8:04:39 PM): Hey, I just realized, why did we see like eight Days actors, yet no James Scott?
Becca (8:04:43 PM): That is unacceptable.
Mallory (8:04:48 PM): It's criminal!

Mallory (8:05:16 PM): The split second glimpse of Ellen and Portia was better than anything we saw on the entire pre-show
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them!  Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year?  Because that was fun.

Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why?  It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.

Becca (8:07:34 PM): My god, was that just a three-minute AMC commercial those three just "spontaneously" did?
Mallory (8:07:48 PM): I think it was. Brian Frons has no shame

Becca (8:08:07 PM): The Table Cam might be a worse idea than last year's viewer videos.  I didn't think that was possible.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab

Mallory (8:08:34 PM): But she and Sarah Brown don't look like they are supposed to be at the same event

Becca (8:08:41 PM): Sarah Brown's hair and makeup are great, but that dress is very goth prom.

Becca (8:09:00 PM): And Tony Geary does the shiny suit weird tie thing again.  Sigh.  I love him anyway.
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right.  That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!

Becca (8:10:32 PM): She seems awesome, so I'm happy for her.  Heather Tom does not look happy for her.

Mallory (8:10:51 PM): Heather Tom's bitchface was just a thing of beauty. Yay for Gina, though!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first?  I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"