Not Safe For Life

WARNING: This post will contain references to Victor Newman's sperm and, as such, may not be suitable for all readers, including the young, the restless, the old, and the content. Reader discretion is advised.

I had just gotten to the point in my life where the thought of Victor and Sabrina marrying each other didn't overwhelm me with complete nausea. I still got queasy at the sight of them together, but I could form actual sentences about it, rather than trying to type out the written equivalent of dry heaving.

See, I was able to say to myself, "They aren't a conventional couple, and hurting Victoria with their relationship is both shady and selfish. If I were the type to do mash up words, I could call that shellfish. And if I were the type of person who liked puns, I'd laugh at that" and went off into my own little tangent filled world with nary a shudder. That's progress!

And then Sabrina got pregnant with Victor's child and I just...am not handling it well.

That sentence, "Sabrina is pregnant with Victor's child", is only six words long and yet those six words are filled with a ceaseless amount of wrong.

For starters, it led to yet another horrifying, gushing statement, this time from Victor:

If someone told me when I divorced that I would fall in love again so soon...and then that love would create a child...

That's...ooky. Granted, it's just a very smurfy, badly written piece of dialogue and I'd find it equally distressing if Peter Bergman said it*, but...ooky. The phrasing makes me think of a sex ed video that you'd watch in middle school where the producers would try their hardest to be as vague as possible while talking about reproduction and the monotone narrator would say something about "creating a child".

(Apropos of nothing, did anybody else have to watch the video about HIV that had the oh-so catchy rip-off of "Let's Talk About Sex", but the words were changed to "Let's talk about AIDS, baby. Let's talk about HIV"? 1994 was a dorky time, my friends)

Secondly, how many Victor spawn can populate the canvas at once? You have Victoria, Nicholas, Adam living in Genoa City now, and Abby visits pretty regularly. So there needs to be another Newman baby? That seems a little bit unnecessary.

And, okay, here's where I need to get a little graphic: Victor has had two vasectomies. How the hell did this chick get pregnant with his baby? It's possible that Sabrina is faking a pregnancy, or pregnant with someone else's baby, but Victor seemed awfully pleased to hear that he'd be becoming a father again at the ripe old age of ninety six. And, like I've said before, we're never going to see a story where someone, especially not some newcomer, gets the best of Victor.  So I really feel like they are either (1)re-writing the two previous vasectomies and just saying "Oops! You didn't actually see that! And you didn't see Ji Min Kim get killed, either! Don't hold your breath about things like 'using the show's history' or 'continuity'!" or (2)expecting us to believe that Victor is just that amazing that not even modern science can keep him down, in which case...I get it, Eric Braeden, okay. I get it.

YOU ARE AWESOME. You are such a great person that you can't play a character anything short of perfect and, therefore, Victor is the best person to ever exist. He's strong enough to fight punch, kick and headbutt anyone who crosses his path. He makes the best marinara sauce in the world. He's never wrong. And his sperm is so strong that it can get someone pregnant despite TWO VASECTOMIES. His sperm is also so amazing that it inspires people to do such insane things as HAVE A CATFIGHT OVER IT and STEAL IT TO IMPREGNATE THEMSELVES.

I give up, Eric Braeden. Okay? You'll hear no argument from me about the state of your awesome. 

*No, I wouldn't

Comments

[Kiran]

Victor needs to just settle into a retirement community. He needs to start wearing leisure suits and walking Zapato around the neighbourhood. Thats what he needs to do.

[Beth R.]

I remember that Salt N Peppa video! The early to mid 90s were truly a dorky time. Concidentally that was also the last time I actually liked Victor...concidence? I think not.

[Carl]

I think she will lose this baby and either Victoria or Adam will be blamed. Then she'll leave town because she's so upset about what has happened, and Victor will be even more alone and enraged.

[midnight_tiptoes]

i hate this show so much.

[smirks]

I totally remember that video. I think they actually played it in an assembly at my highschool.

The 90s were a dorky time. A dorky, socially aware time. But at the very least at least the grown up teen dorks of the 90s are so socially aware that they'd never sleep with Victor Newman and become preggo with his child. Poor Sabrina must have gone to an school without AV equipment, or dorky socially aware videos.

[Cate]

I only have one thing to say about this, "God Bless Eric Braeden"

[Beth R.]

ohh Cate...well played...well played

[Bourgeois Nerd]

How can she be pregnant? I thought she was a man.

[Mallory]

Cate, you win at life.

Bourgeois Nerd, I am so confused! I keep thinking that her Crying Game secret will be revealed, perhaps at her wedding, but this kind of ruins my theory. Hmph.

[syd]

well, if i can believe the nominees for best younger actress, believing that eb is the best actor who ever acted [and so virile too!] is not that much of a leap.

[Captain Obvious]

For my recent column I actually researched Victor's 1st vasectomy in the book The Young and the Restless Most Memorable Moments and it says right there on page 164 "At first [Victor] thought his doctor had botched the vasectomy, but tests proved that it was 100% effective." Page 165 even has a picture of the record of Victor's vasectomy! It states that the operation took place on 9/4/1981, that Victor's DOB is 3/14/1928 (which means he's 80!) and that the doctors name was Dr. Edward Burroughs. Sabrina being pregnant is just ri-goddamn-diculous!

[Megan]

Oh God! Please make it stop!

Megan

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