Forget Lulu, I'M The One on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

I am the first to admit that I am prone to hyperbole and that I have a tendency to be a drama queen but I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that General Hospital is so relentlessly awful right now that it is LITERALLY BREAKING MY BRAIN. LITERALLY.

(Seriously, earlier today, I forgot my voicemail password and stared at my cell phone, slack jawed, for minutes. And when I paid for a latte at Starbucks, I gave the barista the wrong amount of change...twice. Either I have a concussion from hitting my head on a shelf at Marshall's, or GH is causing me mental anguish. When in doubt, I blame GH)

I find myself with so many questions as I watch the show (questions that I ask out loud to an empty room which, again, BROKEN BRAIN):

• Why is Claudia involved in every story on the show? I'm a certified Sarah Brown fan, so if I am irritated by her constant presence onscreen, how annoyed are her haters?
• It's 2008, right? Which makes Spinelli's endless complaining about how he should be the one saving Maxie and not vice versa totally lame, right?
• On what planet is the introduction of a new mobster even in the same hemisphere as entertaining? I think that at this point even Steve Burton is like, "SERIOUSLY? We're doing this again? Are you freaking kidding me? And people make fun of me for not doing anything new and original this century? Let me guess, I'm going to put on a black t-shirt and jeans and get shot at. Am I right? Seriously?"
• Was there any point to Claudia, Carly and Jason being part of a shootout at the warehouse other than "Hee! We have two Carlys in one scene with Jason. Hee! Carly and Jason and CarlyClaudia are awesome! Hee!"?
• Why do the writers even try to present the possibility that Our Lord and Savior Jason is going to get killed in one of the many shootouts he's involved in? Is it just to get our hopes up in order to cruelly dash them? Or do they think the audience is dumb enough to get emotionally invested?

And, most importantly, how on earth does ANYBODY think this show is entertaining? What is the thought process that goes in to writing these stories? Is there any thought process going in to writing these stories?

The more I think about it, the more it makes my head hurt and then I make a face kind of like this:

This effing show.

Lulu and Johnny on the run is so mind-numbingly boring that I've had to turn to a thesaurus for new and exciting words to describe it. The story is not only achingly tiresome, but also soul crushingly tedious. Even Brandon Barash can't keep his obvious boredom off of his face and at times seems mere seconds away from smothering Julie Marie Berman with a pillow so that this "exciting" "adventure" will finally be over

I'm with you there, Brandon.

It's hard to say what the worst part of the story is: Julie Marie Berman's sudden inability to act convincingly with anybody except for the wig playing Laura? The fact that Johnny and Lulu ran away with seemingly an entire year's worth of cute outfits with them? The fact that NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKES ANY SENSE?

Well, there are two parts that stand out in terms of awfulness:

(1) Lourdes. What the hell? Who is this girl? Did she win a contest? Did the actual actress who was cast for the part get sick and they needed to pull someone off the street to fill in? I cringe whenever she climbs through the window to screech and pout at Johnny and Logan. If I ever saw her out and about, I'd have to cross over to the other side of the street to make sure I wouldn't do something Crazy and horrible, like offer her money to pay for acting classes.

(2)

I've seen some pretty unintentionally hilarious shit on this show in recent times, but this is threat level midnight.

Did they blow the rest of their 2008 budget on Vincent Pastore? Because a massive lack of funding is the only explanation I've come up with for someone thinking "Scary hallucination pushing Lulu to the brink of insanity" and coming up with "Someone telling ghost stories at a second grade slumber party".  When are we going to play Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, Logan?

I can see someone laughing so hard at this that they injure themselves, sure, or someone crying so hard at what this show has become that they burst a blood vessel, but a nervous breakdown? Nah.

There were a lot of rumors swirling about Josh Duhon being difficult on the GH set, but I commend him for not running away and living in Brazil under an assumed name rather than take part in these scenes. 

THIS IS THE REIGNING OUTSTANDING DAYTIME DRAMA, PEOPLE. THIS WAS NAMED, BY INDUSTRY PROFESSIONALS, THE BEST SOAP ON THE AIR. I WEEP FOR HUMANITY.

Kate is

(a) playing Blanche Deveroux in the Port Charles dinner theater production of "The Best of The Golden Girls"

(b) The editor of a fashion magazine FOR THE BLIND

Although I suppose on a show where Carly is the great heroine in the history of ever, it's not out of the realm of possibility that the town fashionista wears outfits made of cupcake tins.

Okay, I don't have screencaps to prove it, but! This show continues to have no clue as to how to utilize a fake pregnancy belly, because Robin's stomach grew tremendously over the course of today's episode. Part of me expected Kelly to say "You're not having a boy or a girl, you're having a fucking freak of nature. What the hell kind of steroids are you on, Robin?"

(Part of me also expected Kelly to invent some new gender when she read the ultrasound, but that is neither here nor there)

Comments

[Sarah]

I thought it was MY Broken Brain Syndrome, thank you for seeing it too. I was having a "Sonny duh face" moment all throughout today's Scrubs scenes. At the apartment she barely looked preggers at all. By the time she laid down on Kelly's exam table all I was thinking was when did Robin become pregnant with freakin' octuplets?

Is BF going for another spinoff? Maybe for a Movie of the Week where Robin gives birth to eight babies? Seriously, tiny Kimberly McCullough looked like she swallowed a small car!

That baby bump now weighs twice Robin's normal body weight! But no matter how ubsurd the wardrobe and makeup department get with this, I have to say her scenes were by far the best today, and a nice break for some reality. She actually talked about being scared with both Patrick and Maxie. She even admitted out loud her's is both a miracle and high risk pregnancy. I almost passed out, TIIC remembered she's HIV+!!!

After getting shot at by a sniper, yet again, the night before Claudia decides to go running alone in the park for hours. Obviously she's a real genius mob princess. When she flirts w/ Nik my skin actually crawls. And I don't think that's my Broken Brain Syndrome.

Is it sick that I wish Logan, a hallucination or not, would take the dummy knife in his gut and rip it out to stab a screeching Lulu with? I can accept that giant suspension of disbelief if it means no more Lulu. It would be some GH violence I could get behind.

Save Megan Ward! Hire Rue McClanahaghn in her place. That is what Sonny deserves. Golden Mob Boy meet Golden Girl!!!!!

[Beth R.]

Sense is to GH as ....admitting wrong is to Jason...something that is never ever ever going to happen so long as Guza is on the helm.

I gave up trying to understand this when the answer to avoiding calling the police on what was so obviously a SELF DEFENSE SITUATION it was written in the background of the effing scene was to so clearly go on the run from the law. At that point I started beggign for a Michael to occur to me. It would have to make the show so much better right?

And you know TIIC are totally puzzled why this oh so "exciting" storyline isn't bringing in the big teen audiences. Or anything other than boredom.

[Kat]

I don't watch the show, but I still read the recaps (the equivalent of trying to use methadone to get off heroin) so I know that the show is not campy bad, its now just bad bad.

I salute you for still being able to find the humor, because, just, ugh.

I did watch on YouTube today because I heard about the sonogram scene, and that belly is RIDCULOUS. Watch tonight on NS (which is looking Oscar worthy by comparison) she'll have her smaller second trimester belly on.

[Danny]

Oh, compared to this crap Night Shift deserves an Emmy, Oscar, Pulitzer, and possibly a Nobel Peace Prize. Please let the higher ups at ABC see how much better that show is and give Guza the bloodstained boot (or at least accept a second head writer).

I honestly haven't been watching so much as fast forwarding my tivo, though I did notice that Maxie continues to be adorable and Patrick is still brutally hot.

[Chad]

Yeah, I am so glad I finally stopped watching, even if it means I don't get to see Brandon Brash.

[angmc]

Well my short lived love affair with GH is over. I was so beaten down by the crappiness of Days that I accepted GH, which was good a few weeks ago..

I now find myself FF'ing through the whole show especially the Lulu is crazy scenes. Let her go crazy, she might be more interesting!! Although I will pause to hear Anthony call her "Loo Loo". Too freakin funny!

But now Days brought Stefano back and good stuff is happening (EJami-yay!!!) and Days is winning me back!!

I will miss all the superb eye candy that GH has to offer..but Days has James Scott which is all I need. ;)

[Sarah]

angmc reminds me of the one thing I will miss about Logan being dead, Anthony screaming out for him.."Monkey!"

Monkey and Looo Looo! True GH love.

[amiejayne]

It's a collective breakdown, believe me!

I had the same WTF moment when Robin's stomach seemed smaller at the beginning of the epi than it had been in at least a month, then I was pretty much speechless to see a fake belly that looked 8 months along (which in reality, I guess she would be, since the blessed event happened in December) 5 minutes later.

Ditto on the ridiculousness of Spinelli trying to prove his "manliness". I understand that Maxie supposedly likes bad/tough guys, but come one. Can we push any more stereotypes? Bad enough Liz made the "dump trucks or dollies" comment regarding the Scrubs baby's sex. Oh, and back to SpinMax. Apparently, since the writers are finally writing a few new convos for Scrubs, they now don't have the brain power to write original stuff for SpinMax? They've had the same "I can't be around you, for your own safety"/"I'm hanging around whether you like it or not, you're my only friend" argument at least seven times, and what's more, how many times have we heard Liz/Jason and any number of other mob-related couples on this show have the same stupid conversation? Will it ever end???

Between Kate and Sonny together, and HALF -LITERALLY!!!- of the screentime showcasing the awfulness of Lulu/Johnny/ghostLogan and occasionally the instantly-obsessed Lourdes, my own breakdown is coming sooner rather than later. I count the Nik/Nadine scenes among the best of last week, which is just plain sad, because although I enjoy their sweetness and lightness, I recognize that this is not powerhouse acting. The Nik/Claudia scenes clearly are powerhouse acting, and I'm enjoying their scenes against my will because I don't want Nik paired with a mobster, but they are pretty awesome even when NOT compared to the utter crapfest most everything else is lately. I'm even enjoying Jason in comparison to Skate and LoonyLu.

One thing I disagree about is Kate's outfit. While it does look like somebody is channeling Reynold's wrap, at least the style doesn't look like something she borrowed from Great-Aunt Ida's closet, so that is a major improvement.

Oh, and I've just thought of one more thing that is pushing me over the edge. Rather than bring Cody back to continue the interesting and original s/l they began with him and Lainey, they bring him back and change him from an honorable ex-soldier to someone who is willing to basically do any work, no matter how shady, just to have a job.

I don't know any swear words to even express how much I hate the Unholy Trinity for what they're doing to this once-great show!

[callie]

The Dead!Logan screencaps have sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I think the best was the birthday cake scene, knife in gut, eerie chin light, holding a birthday cake. Do you get the feeling that Awesome Writer is penning these scenes, knowing full well Guza isn't catching the humor?

[Val]

... every time you update on the state of General Hospital I am reminded how glad I am that I stopped watching. At least I can say I am recovering from brain-breakage. Here's hoping this summary doesn't cause a regression...

[Val]

... every time you update on the state of General Hospital I am reminded how glad I am that I stopped watching. At least I can say I am recovering from brain-breakage. Here's hoping this summary doesn't cause a regression...

[Becca]

You know I adore you for this hilarious post, because I have been utterly unable to blog about this shitty show. My posts would just be strings of expletives -- and maybe that one screenshot of Logan. Poor, brutally hot Josh Duhon.

I can't even motivate to watch it, much less blog about it. And the Tivo summaries aren't really drawing me in. Today's: "Trevor has a dire warning for Alexis; Nikolas begs Claudia to trust him; things just don't go right for Spinelli." Gee, I would scramble to watch that, but I think they're showing Olympic handball on CNBC...

[Genevieve]

I have to disagree strongly. Julie Marie Berman's acting is the only reason i am still watching. The girl is phenomenal and that scene with Laura was heartbreaking. She is even making me like Jolu which a couple months ago would have been inconcievable

[Danny]

Genevieve, the scene with Laura was the only time Lulu has been bearable for months. If her acting's the only reason you're still watching, you must be a world class masochist.

[Monica]

Dude, no need to call names if you disagree with her. I have to agree with you Geneveve, I have been very impressed by JMB's acting during this storyline, she's making me feel for Lulu again, her scene with fake Laura was some emmy worthy stuff

[Vicki]

I agree that that the writing of the Johnny/Lulu storyline has been so wtf, but i have to admit that JMB's acting has been amazing. the crying the shaking and the shutting down has all been believable. while im happy the on the run storyline is coming to an end, i give major kudos to Julie Berman. She has been consistantly fabulous throughout this storyline. i hope she gets the emmy she was robbed of two years ago.

[gsantos]

the only thing i have loved about GH this summer has been Scrubs baby story. loved the ultrasound today.

I hate the mob, and Claudia needs to go like yesterday. I loved Sarah Brown as Carly, but as Claudia, im just not a big fan. i could maybe get into Naudia but only if they remove her from all her other stories

And while i have had issues with the writing of Lulu (although i think it has improved greatly past month) i am not blind to JMB's talents, the girl has some serious acting chops.

[Tania]

Pillow, pillow, pillow, pil... WOAH watermelon. I mean if your gonna give Kimberly a watermelon do it in the beginning not half way through the show. But I found myself not caring because of the awesomeness that is Scrubs scenes today... or yesterday.

On another note why does GH suck so? With the exception of Patrick and Robin, who have their own... moments, I have no reason to watch GH. Guza has found a cure for insomnia, well except Scrubs scenes and Lulu, and Carly, shrieking. Like nails on a chalk board I tell you, soon my poor ears will bleed.

[V]

Oh wow, I could not stop laughing at those campfire-ghost-story-scary-Logan screen caps. LMAO!!!!

My daughter and I caught this scene on GH by accident. (This is because we watch OLTL and sometimes forget to turn off the TV for the GH crapfest.)

We saw Logan and screamy-meemy Lulu and could not stop laughing. That scene was HYSTERICAL! We immediately (since we both read your blog) said, "Man, I can hardly wait to see what SD says with deadLogan screencaps."

We knew you'd come through. ~_^

Great post! I still can't stop laughing.

And, you are so right about this show. It just gets worse and worse. What drives people to watch this show? I don't get it.

[10cupsO'Coffee]

This show defines new levels of suck. After a two week hiatus from watching, I turned it on to have a screaming Lulu, a birthday cake, and the Goosebumps version of Logan greet me. No one can convince me that anyone who is involved in the writing and production of GH actually watches it or it wouldn't be the crapextravaganza that it is now. I've sent Vanessa Marcil a warning letter so she knows better than to come back to this career breaker of a show. Genie obviously didn't get my urgent telegram.

[Jennifer]

I've sent Vanessa Marcil a warning letter so she knows better than to come back to this career breaker of a show.
-----------------
Thank you. I will put my letter in the mail tomorrow. This show sucks monkey balls. Vanessa should just write children's books or something. Anything would be better than coming back to this crap. I stopped watching this show 2 weeks ago but I will continue to read your hilarious recaps.

[Robyn]

Does anyone else think that shot of ghostLogan looks an old Phil Collins video?

[Sarah B.]

I stopped watching GH awhile ago (except for Scrubs clips and sometimes Maxie and Mac as these are the only characters I still have some investment in), and reading this hilarious recap highlighted all the reasons why I stopped. I can't believe the show that I once actually looked forward to has deteriorated into this. It's sad but thank you guys for at least allowing me to laugh about it :). And those screencaps of Logan are hysterical. Wow. just wow.

[minirth]

"Relentlessly awful" - what a perfect description of this show!

Among the horrors of the LooLoo/Johnny on the Run For No Good Reason Story is the negative chemistry between them. JMB seems physically uncomfortable in sex scenes with him -- her body language is all about pulling away and pushing him away and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

[Kade]

If the point of GhostLogan was to remind me so strongly of Conan O'Brien's "In the Year 2000" bit that I almost snorted tea up my nose at seeing the screencaps, then mission accomplished, GH! Best Drama my ass.

[Mar]

Robin's belly was so ridiculously large all of a sudden in the sonogram scenes I was sure Kelly was at least going to say, "You're having a boy AND a girl! OMG twins!!!"

[Mary]

I agree totally. I have chosen NOT to watch GH at all now unless I hear that Scrubs will be on (& then I just skip to their 2 minute scenes only). I've been watching this show for 35+ yrs and have finally given up. But, I'm very sad because I just LOVE Robin & Patrick (Anna/Noah/Robert). Nightshift 2 is awesome...I don't miss a minute of it. Now, those people can write! So until I hear that Sonny & friends have left Port Charles, I will resort to watching Youtube clips only of Scrubs scenes.
(And, for the record, now that I know Vincent Pastore is joining the show, FORGET IT).

[Sarah]

I'm afraid to write it here but, I think JMB has been taking acting classes from MB. I mean look at those screencaps alone, she is now a scenery eater. BARWARE BEWARE! I still remember when she arrived on GH. She was quirky, cute, very real, and had a real nuance about her in family scenes. I was actually pro SORASing Lulu because I liked JMB in the role so much. Now I can barely stand to look at her.

Guza has a real gift for ruining all the unique characters. If he doesn't kill you off, write you like an annoying invisible loser if he writes for you at all, then he turns you into what he loves.... a mini version of Sonny, Jason, or Carly, or at least one of their molls or superfans!

That's quite a gift Guza. You can turn gold into straw!!!

My brain has felt free to fire on all cylinders ever since I stopped watching the crapfest GH has become. Now I only keep up through spoilers and recaps, and judging by those I know I am not missing very much. It pains me to say it, but I am beginning to doubt that even Genie Francis, who turns everything she touches into gold, can salvage Lulu for me. JMB is a terrific actress, but I simply cannot stomach her character anymore.

The Nikolas/Nadine/Claudia triangle pains me as well. Although I do not especially care for Claudia, I find myself hoping that if Nikolas enters into a new relationship, it will be with her because she at least appears to be on the same maturity level as him, unlike Nadine, who seems better suited to be with someone like Spinelli (which, if memory serves, was how she was first introduced on the show. Oh, how far this show has fallen.) Thank you, Serial Drama, for finding the strength and courage to continue to watch this odious soap.

[Alice]

Here's my theory on the great expanding belly. They started the day, as usual, with the pillow. Then for later scenes they realized they had to show fake skin, and the only size they could find was ginormous. Rather than re-shoot, they ignored the discrepancy and made her wear the new belly for the rest of the day. I would not be surprised if she were smaller again the next time we see her.