Night Shift Episode 4: We'll Always Have Paris

PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift, Robert was brought into GH after his small plane crashed; Billy Dee Williams told Epiphany that he wants to settle down; Robin worried that Stone's behavior is unusual; Claire and Kyle ripped off Friends instead of Grey's Anatomy; "Leo" hooked up with Saira; Robert Scorpio was diagnosed with a brain tumor

This episode...was not so good. I know I'm cementing my reputation as a curmudgeon who sells Hallmark cards, but...really. Not so good.

Saira, looking particularly fetching, is on an elevator in street clothes, looking at her phone. Just before the doors close, "Leo" runs into the elevator and smirks at her. I know that his default facial expression is a smirk, so how do I know that's what he was going for? That, my friends, is how over-the-top his smirk was. Either not realizing that another doctor is on the elevator with them intently studying paperwork, or wanting to impress him, "Leo" smarms at her that she left pretty quickly this morning but she forgot something: her bra. Which he pulls out of his pocket to show her. Which is "charming" and "cute", apparently. The episode has been on for twelve seconds and I'm already skeeved.

He wonders if it was a party favor, but she tells him she's not that type of girl. They start bickering, and she tells him that, since they are at work, they need to behave professionally. Physically unable of having a conversation end on a mature note, "Leo" says, "Like you did when you jumped me in the locker room?" They bicker again about the circumstances of their sex-having, whether or not she'll be able to stop thinking about their sex-having and whether or not that the juvenile teasing about their sex-having is the best game "Leo" has to offer. As she departs, Saira tells him that he better not spread his non-game around town and, with a winning smile, steps off the elevator. He watches her leave with a dopey smile on his face.

In ROBERT SCORPIO's room (Sorry, I'm still a little excited about having Robert back on canvas, this time written by an actual writer and not a sadistic hack of a bastard), Robert wants no part of the exposition that usually begins scenes on this show and says, "Let's cut to the chase", wanting to know if his surgery was a success or not. Patrick was able to remove the entire tumor, but there are some more tests that need to be done. Robert is not having this, and sees these tests as a way for General Hospital to make more money and he will not be their golden goose. Robert's head is completely bandaged, by the way, and I need to give this show props for realism. Remember on the OG GH when Sam had brain surgery after getting shot in the uterus? She came out of surgery with her hair looking even longer and more lustrous. It, in the manner of all things OG GH, was hilariously awful.

Robin makes a face at her father.

Robin: You're not listening.
Robert: (In a stage whisper) He's not saying anything
Robin: No, you're not listening. Because you're stubborn, and bull headed, and don't like the sound of anyone's voice but your own.
Robert: I like yours (Blows her a kiss)

(((Scorpios))) (((Intentional Humor)))

Robin explains that they need to do more tests to make sure that Patrick got the entire tumor out, to see if it's malignant and to make sure it hasn't spread. Robert mutters, "I no longer like the sound of your voice" and she tells him she'll schedule his MRI.

In the stairwell, Izzie and George Claire and Kyle are commiserating about how hard it is to be an intern. Kyle says, in his Pollyanaish way, that there are good parts: there's such a rush when it comes to saving lives. This is what he's wanted to do with his life since he was six. Claire muses that when she was six, "playing doctor" would have had an entirely definition. Kyle wonders when she realized she wanted to be a doctor, and she explains that it was because of Adam, her college boyfriend. Kyle's facial expressions belie the fact that he, too, can't believe this dumbass went into medicine because of a boy. She and Adam broke up her junior year and she didn't want to have to see him anymore, which is difficult, seeing as how they were both art majors. So she dropped her classes and replaced them with bio and chemistry, which were the only courses left.

Kyle: You defaulted into pre-med because you were running away from some guy?
Claire: He was really cute.

(She's, like, the exact opposite of Felicity! Because Felicity FOLLOWED some guy to college and changed her major from pre-med TO art! Can we talk for a second about how much I loved Felicity? Because I totally did. It was so sweet and Keri Russell was so pretty and Amy Jo Johnson, the most irritating person on the planet, was only 80% irritating on it. Oh, the WB! You were so good to me in high school!)

A woman in a low-cut pink top and an ugly patent leather purse is loudly speaking French. "Leo" tries to help her, but the language barrier confuses both of them. Patrick walks over and asks if everything is okay. She decks him, "Leo" half-heartedly tries to restrain her, and Robin runs over to see what happened. Patrick whines, "She just slapped me!", and Robin is like, "Yeah, I saw". She introduces herself to the woman in French, and is hilariously stony-faced as the woman answers her. Patrick asks what she's saying, and Robin coldly says, "For one thing, she says that you're her lover".

Patrick explains to Robin that he's never seen this woman before, and Robin gets pissed, explaining that they are at work, there are other patients at the hospital including one Mr. Robert Scorpio: "This is your mess. Clean it up". The French woman is just talking excitedly through all of this. Claire walks by and "Leo" calls after her

"Leo": Hey. Blondie, do you speak any French?
Claire: I took two years in high school.
"Leo": ...that'll do.

Hee! He then corrals the French lady (telling her "vamanos", which, again, hee!) and exits with her and Claire.

Billy Dee Williams and Epiphany are in a swank restaurant, which Billy Dee tells her is the closest thing Port Charles has to Gladys' in Chicago, the site of their first official date. Epiphany tells him that doesn't count, since at the time, she was a starstruck fourteen year old. Um, for real, Epiphany, that doesn't count at all because it's GROSS AND ILLEGAL. And EW, Billy Dee! Double you tee eff? He says that they'll have to start their relationship from here. There's an awkward silence and Epiphany worries about how the incompetent nurses will screw things up without her there to oversee them. Oh, Pip. What kind of date talk is that? This scene is so weird! Billy Dee wonders when the last time she had a day off was, and she says it probably coincided with her last date. "So...the 1900s"? Well, yeah, when you start talking about medical supplies over dinner, you're not going to get many dates. Billy Dee tells her to relax, because she deserves this. She sighs. He grabs her hand and asks if he told her how lovely she looks (which she does), and starts flirting with her. She calls him on the fact that he's quoting "Lady Sings the Blues"

Epiphany: Just because it's been a while since I've been on a date sure as hell doesn't mean I don't recognize a line when I hear one

Ha! Billy Dee looks properly chastened.

Back at the hospital, Robin approaches Saira and asks if you can teach an old dog new tricks. Saira diplomatically says that it depends what dog you're talking about. Patrick, of course, is the dog in question and Robin vents that whenever she thinks she and Patrick are in a good place, "another skeleton comes out of his closet. Usually a tall, blonde skeleton. With big boobs". Saira laughs and agrees that those are the worst skeletons. I'd say that literal skeletons are the worst kind of skeletons, frankly. Saira "casually" mentions that she thinks guys can come around, and that she's been pleasantly surprised by the male gender recently.

Robin does that kind of dramatic gasp where you weigh something on a 1-10 scale of shockingness where you inhale for the amount of seconds that corresponds with the rate of shockingness. For example, Becca recently admitted that she finds Jason Morgan hot. I was shocked by this around a six on the 1-10 scale of shockingness, so I gasped for six seconds.

So Robin is apparently shocked on a 7 scale, and gasps and says accusingly "You slept with him?" She and Saira start getting all giggly when Jagger and Stone walk over, and Jagger apologizes for interrupting, but Saira assures him that he wasn't. Robin greets Stone (with the almost unbearably dorky "Hey, little buddy") and tells him his ice cream cone looks delicious, which it does. He tells her that it's chocolate. She, like any rational human being, loves chocolate and, when she tells Stone that, he repeats, "It's chocolate". Saira turns and tells him that chocolate was a good choice, which makes him run and hide behind Jagger. Robin introduces him to Saira, who says it's nice to meet him after hearing so much about him, and he drops his ice cream cone. Robin scurries to get a paper towel to clean it up, and Jagger tells Stone that it's okay; he explains to the girls that Stone's just shy. Robin tells Jagger that Saira has a lot of experience with "the thing we spoke about" and can do an initial evaluation. Jagger thanks Saira for meeting him after hours; he was in Albany all day talking to his regional director about sticking around the New York area (!!! Pleeeeeeease mean that Jagger is coming to the OG GH!) Saira kneels down to Stone's level and tells him she's sorry about his ice cream, but she has candy in her office, which is practically as good. She tells Jagger she'll take good care of him, and takes Stone by the hand and walks him to her office. Robin supportively tells him that he's doing the right thing, but Jagger doesn't look so sure. At least I think it's uncertainty. He kind of looks more hungry than anything...

"Leo" and Claire are in the French woman's room and "Leo" tells her to ask the French woman what her symptoms are. Claire brutalizes the French language and the bewildered woman eventually, in clear English, says "God, your French is bad". "Leo" is shocked that she speaks English and the woman says, by way of explanation, that she's from Maryland. Her name is Danielle Forrester and she was just looking for the bank that used to be on this corner. "Leo" tells her that there isn't a bank, because "GH has been here for, like, 50 years". I don't blame him for not knowing that it's only 45 because it's not like anybody would know based on the state of the show's anniversary celebrations... Danielle is weirded out, but moves on, saying that she needs to get her money converted to Euros. Claire and "Leo" exchange a look and "Leo" asks where Danielle thinks she is. See, at that question, I'd answer "What the hell kind of question is that", but Danielle simply says, "Paris, of course!" The actress playing Danielle is kind of terrible, by the way.

Robin introduces herself to an older man, who hurriedly says that he thinks it's nothing. Kyle repeats "It?" The man tells them "It usually doesn't give me any problems. I forgot it was there for a while, but lately it's been angry". This all feels a little too "It puts the lotion on its skin" to me. Robin is confused and asks him to explain, but he says it's personal. He tells them that he has a problem "down there". Robin is all, "I'm outtie" and lets Kyle handle the patient. Kyle, mortified, asks the man to pull his pants down, politely adding "Please" at the end.

Patrick and Robert go in for Robert's MRI. Robert is playing the gruff father, saying, "You're the guy who knocked up my daughter". Patrick tells him it's not like he did it on purpose, and almost immediately regrets that, for Robert pounces, asking if Patrick wants the baby. They spar, and Robert wonders about the rumor he's heard about Patrick being the hospital heartbreaker. Patrick tries to defend himself, and Robert says they can do this the easy way or the hard way. Patrick, choose the easy way! The man is a superspy, for god's sake. Ignoring the advice I'm giving him through my TV, Patrick tells him to lean back on the table for the test, but Robert won't let it go, saying that he has Patrick's number:

"You find a woman who offers up the physical requirements, apply the right degree of intensity and charm. You have the right weapons and know how to deploy them. In the first 30 minutes, you know if you're going to spring for dinner. And you never do a repeat performance"

Patrick ignores him, and explains what an MRI is. Robert wonders if he gets a lollipop when it's over. Just before the test begins, Robert sincerely asks if this "business with [his] head" is serious. Patrick confirms that it is.

Saira and Jagger are in her office, watching Stone. She asks if he likes to arrange things a lot, which he does, and if he makes a lot of eye contact. Jagger asks her what's wrong with his son. She says nothing is wrong with him--she just needs some information so that they can decide what the best way to help him is. Jagger says "Okay" and looks despairing. I think it's despairing.It also looks a little like he wants to stab her.

Elsewhere, Patrick is asking Robin why she doesn't believe him (her reasonable answer: because you lie!) He tells her that he hasn't lied in ages, and certainly wouldn't waste a rare lie on this woman he's never seen before. Robin asks what he did to this woman, and he tells her he has no idea. She comments that his lying skills have completely eroded, which he thinks should prove that he isn't lying. Point Patrick. He tells her that there are no lies, or canned answers, just him being [hotly] perplexed. She does give him credit for having ho's in different area codes, as she thought he was just a "domestic manwhore". At this, Kyle rushes over and says, on cue, "He has syphilis". Patrick is uber offended and says, "I do NOT have syphilis. Kyle clarifies that their patient, Mr. Davis, has syphilis, and gives him credit for getting some, even at his advanced age. Robin darkly says, "Some men never stop".

Back to Billy Dee and Epiphany's date: he tells her that he thought about her when he was on the road, especially when he and The Saints were in Chicago. It turns out that they paved the club they met at at put up a parking lot. Billy Dee somewhat sleazily tells her that he doesn't need a building to remind him of Epiphany. She looks both flattered and uncomfortable, and briskly goes back to business, asking where he played. When he tells her it was The Auditorium and sold out, she nearly squeals and says she wished she had been there. She picks up water and takes a sip, as he says. "Next time". I really respect the writers for resisting the opportunity for a spit take.

A waitress comes over to take their order and before Epiphany has a chance to speak, Billy Dee interrupts and tells the waitress that he and Epiphany will have the same thing: steak, medium rare, and a Caesar salad to start with. Dude! The date would be over at that point for me. Epiphany gets all...well, Epiphany on him and snaps that she can order for herself. Little does Billy Dee know that she stopped eating red meat and is going to be pretty hungry now. Billy Dee apologizes. Is it just me, or has Billy Dee been trying even less than usual this season? He so obviously doesn't care.

Robin is in Robert's room, asking how he feels (answer: like being in a metal pot that someone pounded on with a hammer). He proudly tells her that he had a talk with "Patty Cake" (hee!) and gives his expert opinion that Patrick is a flake. Robin tells him that he doesn't know Patrick, and her father counters that he does, better than she thinks, and goes down the list of attributes that the slutty version of Patrick had. She tells him not to project his own issues onto Patrick and points out that Robert liked Patrick when they first met. Robert says that he thought Patrick was just another boyfriend, not the father of Robert's grandchild. Robin is beyond irritated, and tells him the statute of limitations has passed on the "I'm your father" shtick, and that she's done very well for herself making her own decisions over the past 15 years, thank you very much.

Robert: "Look where it got you! How does a career feminist like you wind up with a lounge lizard like him?"

She glares at him and tells him that it's like they always say: girls wind up with men exactly like their fathers. She makes a "So there" face and stalks out, closing the door behind her. Robert makes his own face, along the lines of "Hmm, that could have gone better".

Claire is sitting with Danielle on her bed, drinking coffee and eating muffins. She asks what's the deal with her and Dr. Drake; Danielle laughs and says, "Is that what he's calling himself now?" She's not surprised that he needs an alias, as there must be a mob of attack dogs and cuckolds out looking for him. Claire says she doesn't know him well, but he seems to be devoted to Robin. Danielle laughs and says he seemed to be in love with her, too. Picture it: Paris, a few years ago. She moved to France after college to see art and travel the world, and she met Jean, with his flowers and letters and songs he wrote on his guitar. Everything was peachy until she came out of her room at the hostel and saw him exiting the room of an Algerian girl.

Claire: There's always an Algerian girl. Or in my case, a Poughkeepsie girl

Danielle knows it's lame, but she loved him and he broke her heart. FYI, if you weren't watching the screen during this scene, you'd SWEAR that Claire was Katherine Heigl. It's absolutely uncanny.

Jagger and Stone are leaving Saira, and Jagger instructs his son to say thank you to her, which he politely does. Jagger asks if he can talk to her after he brings Stone to the babysitter, and she says he can, but she's also free in the morning. Um, who would put off meeting with Antonio Sabato Jr. for even a few minutes, let alone hours? He says he'd rather talk with her as soon as he can, and he and Stone leave. Saira tells Robin that Jagger is a great father, and "Not too bad on the eyes, either." They giggle.

A hobbit approaches Kyle, and asks if he's a doctor. He's going to be one, so close enough. She's a tiny, tiny older woman named Estelle Lambert, who lives in Pine Meadows, the same senior center as Mr. Davis. Kyle brightly says she must be here for Mr. Davis, and asks if there are any openings at Pine Meadows (she looks offended at this), since he heard it's a hopping place and there seems to be good living there, since she and Mr. Davis look so sprightly. She laughs and says "You know what they say, 70 is the new 50". Kyle offers to take her to find Mr. Davis, and she hightails it, saying that she's leaving and please don't say anything better to anyone about her being there. He feels guilty that he assumed she was just there to pick Mr. Davis up and chatted her ear off, and asks if he can help her. What follows is disturbing.

Estelle: It's my kitty.
Kyle: Is it sick?
Estelle: I'm afraid so.
Kyle: Aw. We don't treat animals here, but I can refer you to a vet
Estelle: No, it's my KITTY...down there
Kyle: (Having suicidal thoughts) ...oh

The censors are slipping, yo. I'm still shocked about how they were allowed to say "It's not a Lemon party without old Dick" on 30 Rock (If you are confused by this sentence FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GOOGLE IT. SAVE YOURSELF)

Back in Saira's office, Jagger, who is an obvious bundle of (gorgeous) nerves, thanks Saira when she calls Stone beautiful, and wonders if Stone scored high on the test. Saira gently tells him that it's not that kind of a test; she'll need to do some more follow up tests to be sure, but she's pretty confident in her diagnosis. He asks what she's talking about. "Stone has autism spectrum disorder". Jagger is shocked.

Kyle, looking disturbed, enters the hallway and throws gloves into the garbage. "Leo", possibly having a chip implanted in him that alerts him whenever another human is miserable, comes over with a broad smile and tells his brother that he looks a little queasy. Kyle, dead seriously, says "No man should ever have to see what I've seen". "Leo" chuckles and says that "they're" going to love this. There's a ton of laugher in the background, and adds, "The night is young, my friend. The night is young" as he turns his brother around to see a big group of senior citizens laughing and goofing around. Kyle makes the suicide face again and "Leo" chuckles at his misfortune before leaving. Kyle walks over to the group and leads Mr. Davis away. Mr. Davis whispers, asking him to let the ladies cut to the front of the treatment line. Kyle says that he's trying to connect the dots about what the hell is going on at Pine Meadows and why the waiting room looks like Sunday bingo night. Mr. Davis says things have gotten "Frisky" because of their new drugs. Kyle asks the crowd if they are being safe by using condoms, and is greeted with uproarious laughter, because "these broads aren't going to get pregnant". Kyle tells him that they have a syphilis outbreak on their hands.

Public Service Announcement: STDs really are on the rise amongst senior citizens

Back in Saira's office, Jagger repeats "My son is autistic?" Saira corrects him, saying that autism is just one of the disorders on the autism spectrum--there's also Asperger Syndrome and PDD NOS, and she starts going into detail and Jagger, at this point, has the platonic ideal of duh face right now as he asks her what she's talking about. I'm thinking she needs either monosyllabic words or finger puppets. She tells him that every child on the spectrum is different, with varying degrees of severity. When Jagger gets worried, she tells him that Stone seems high functioning and they can spend time determining what kind of therapy he'll need. Jagger looks stoic. Or tired.

Patrick is leading Sarah, Danielle's sister, into her room and asks why Danielle would think he's her boyfriend. Sarah says that he looks an awful lot like a French boy Danielle fell in love with a few years ago, "except not as hot". Patrick turns around to throw her a "Are you for real?" face, and she meekly adds, "No offense". They go into Danielle's room and she is shocked, and asks what Sarah is doing there. Sarah explains that she's been looking all over for her, and Danielle gets frustrated, saying that she was just trying to go to the bank and why is everyone being obnoxious about it? Her sister tells her she's worried about her, and we see things from Danielle's perspective, as Sarah and Patrick talk, but she can't hear a word. She starts screaming and freaking out that she can't hear anything. Patrick grabs her and restrains her and I am physically uncomfortable by how terrible that acting was.

Patrick and "Leo" then ask Sarah if her sister ever had migraines, which she did not. Sarah is sad, and wants to know what's wrong with her sister. "Leo" says he'll need to run more tests, and Patrick looks at the sedated Danielle sadly.

Kyle has the seniors gathered together and says, dorkily, "As we all know, sex can be a beautiful thing". A man with Coke bottle glasses interrupts and points out that it really depends on who you're having with with. They all chuckle. Kyle smile and says, "That's right Mr. Burnell. And you've been having a lot of it lately". Mr. Burnell counters "I don't want to brag". He and Mr. Davis do a fist bump and I die a little, as the other seniors laugh. Kyle fake laughs very loudly with them and says that it's going to be awkward for them when their sex partners come over complaining about sores on their genitals. He hits them with some knowledge and says that times have changed since they were "doing the Lindy or whatever". Estelle chimes in that some things don't change, like riding a bike, and Kyle points out that they've all been riding bareback and they need to be responsible. Therefore it's time for the moment that every high schooler dreaded in health class: the condom and cucumber lesson. He asks who'd like to volunteer. Estelle raises her hand eagerly and the seniors all laugh and cheer for her.

Elsewhere, Saira tells Jagger that he did the right thing, and that the sooner Stone is diagnosed, the sooner treatment can start. He asks her if there's a cure, and she very sadly says there isn't, but that many kids grow up to have healthy, productive lives. It's a long journey, she tells him, and he needs to be prepared for it. He sighs heavily.

Randomly, a terrible song by the girl who sings these songs on Night Shift starts as Robin walks by Robert's room and I brace myself for one of the awful musical montages that ended the first season, except...the episode isn't over, even though it feels like it's been going on for three hours. Robin looks at her father through the window, trying to use the arm that isn't in the sling to read a magazine. She sighs and walks away. And then...the music ends. Bizarre.

Billy Dee Williams and Epiphany are still on the longest, most awkward date ever. He asks her what's going on, and she says it's not working. She tells him she's nervous and that he's as smooth and suave as ever, and "I just cannot for the life of me understand what a man like you wants with a woman like me". AWWW! Oh, Epiphany! I want to give her a hug. Billy Dee tells her, in a monotone, that he's used to hanging around with bitchy groupies (he phrased it more politely, but that's so what he meant) and they only cared about the slick, suave Billy Dee. He tells her that she's so caring and special. She sighs and thanks him. He goes on to tell her that the whole "slick Billy Dee Williams" thing is an act--he hasn't been that way in decades. He's just "plain old Toussaint, creaking by". She tells him that he just needs to be himself. The fourteen year old who was starstruck by him so many years ago would have been impressed by his act, but the Epiphany of today just wants him, even if he's only creaking by. They hold hands and he kisses her hand.

Okay, that story was completely out of place AND veered from To Catch a Predator to a Very Special Blossom episode in the span of an hour.

In the stairwell, Robin is crying and Claire comes across her, apologizing for interrupting. Robin tries to explain and finally admits that she was just losing it. Claire is very sweet and tells her that Robin stole her spot, which is probably damp from all the times she's cried her eyes out there. Robin is surprised, and Claire corrects herself that she's only in tears a handful of times a night. Robin supportively tells her that her first year was also tough. Claire notes that Robin probably isn't crying about her year as an intern. Robin laughs and tells her that she's fed up with her father coming in and out of her life, and how, no matter how adult she is on her own, she reverts to a mouthy tween in his presence. Claire tells her that she does the same thing whenever she's with her parents: her voice gets three octaves higher, she feels like crap as they point out everything wrong in her life, and Robin is all "That's exactly what they do!" Claire wonders if they are part of the problem. They both look thoughtful. That was a very cute scene. Claire was far less "on" than she usually is.

Back to the wacky STD infected senior citizens! There is twinkly shenanigans music playing, so you know this is supposed to be funny. They're all piling out of their impromptu sex ed class, and Kyle is cheerfully handing them condoms as they leave. Mr. Davis asks for more, because it's going to be a long weekend, wink wink, nudge nudge. Estelle invites Kyle over to meet her granddaughter on Saturday night, but another old woman pushes her out of the way and says Estelle's granddaughter can fend for herself as she looks at Kyle lasciviously. An older man goes to get his condoms, and says to ignore those two, they are all talk and no action. Kyle points out their action is what got them here in the first place. The man goes on to lustfully tell him that Estelle and Friend couldn't handle "a young buck" like Kyle, but he can. He then goes on to give Kyle detailed directions to his room at Pine Meadows and bites at him. Kyle looks tremendously chagrined by his whole ordeal.

Robin runs up to Jagger and asks how things went with Saira. He goes into no detail, just saying "Fine. Yeah. Good" and he tells her Saira just needs to run more tests, but "everything is fine, nothing to worry about, he's perfectly normal". Hmm...I guess Saira didn't take my finger puppet suggestions. He thanks her for introducing him to Saira and seems both dazed and confused. Robin looks baffled and starts to say she's there if he needs to talk, but the elevator door closes before she can say anything. Inside the elevator, Jagger dramatically braces himself against the wall.

Elsewhere, Patrick is telling Sarah that her sister has Sussex Syndrome,which is a rare brain condition that sometimes afflicts young women. It can cause hallucinations and make you think you're living in the past. He suggests that Sarah go home and rest up, because her sister is going to need her support. After she leaves, Danielle wakes up and still thinks that he's Jean, asking him what happened. He's happy that her hearing is back, and tells her she gave everyone a big scare, but she'll be okay. She clarifies that she wasn't asking why she's waking up in a hospital bed, she wants to know what happened between the two of them. Why do men always break your heart?

Patrick, who had been turning to leave, goes back over to her and launches into a very, very sweet monologue. He gently, but sincerely, tells her that he's sorry for what happened to her, and he's sorry that men like him make stupid choices without caring about who they're going to hurt. Robin walks by the outside of the curtain and overhears from this point as Patrick continues and tells Danielle that he's sorry for the women like her that he's hurt. She tels him that she loved him, and he says he knows that, but, voice breaking, "I love someone else now. She means the world to me. I've found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with".

In the hallway, Robin is teary and Patrick hurries out of Danielle's room, not seeing her at first. When he glances at her, she smiles warmly and they kiss. It's such a sweet, wonderful scene that not even the twinkly music in the background can distract me from the cuteness.

We then move onto a closeup of a vending machine, that turns out to not be accepting Kyle's money. He turns to Claire and says "This machine hates me. I swear it's homophobic". The writers know that "gay" isn't a person's sole characteristic, right? I'd like to see some more development of Kyle's personality. Claire laughs at the lame joke and tries to open her soda. Kyle takes it from her like he's going to open it, but instead gives her a dollar and keeps it for herself. They talk about Danielle and Claire opines that even if Danielle's boyfriend was just a hallucination, at least it was a boyfriend. She catches herself and admits how pathetic that sounds. Kyle got a life lesson from his zany band of geriatrics, and says that it doesn't matter how old you are, or if it's real, what matters is being in love. Is Kyle a smurf? He and Claire both agree that they want to be in love.

Robin is in Robert's room, and he tells her he's too tired to argue, so she can take her best shot. She takes Claire's advice and says she's setting ground rules: she's irritated that he jumps in and out of her life, and acts like everything's okay. Right now, she's the doctor and he's the patient and he needs to stop with the comments about her personal life. Patrick walks in and apologizes for interrupting, asking to see Robin in the hallway. Robert crankily says that whatever Patrick has to say, he can say it in front of Robert. At Robin's "Are you serious?" look, he adds, "with your permission, of course". Patrick very seriously says that he has Robert's test results: the tumor wasn't malignant and they got all of it. Robin, for some reason unable to read her boyfriend's tone of voice, brightly chirps, "That's great!" But Robert Scorpio, perhaps having watched television before and knowing that episodes don't end on a good diagnosis, asks if there's something else Patrick would like to share. There is: Robert has colon cancer.

That episode felt uncomfortably like an episode from the first season, although, mercifully, there were no hired killers to be found (unless you count the senior citizen story, and I guess, technically, they are only trying to kill my dreams, not my actual self). It was just bizarrely written, completely disjointed, and terribly boring. I kept glancing to see what time it was, seemingly every few minutes, and it was never close enough to being over. The Epiphany/Billy Dee plot belonged to an entirely different episode and the guest stars were uniformly awful.

There were some bright spots (Jason Thompson was absolutely fabulous), but overall, this was by far the weakest episode so far this season.

Comments

[Reva]

This episode was written by Michele Val Jean, although rumor has it Sri did some rewriting, which may have saved it from being absolutely horrible. It had all the tell tale signs of the Mothership, thus the feeling like you were watching NS1.

I think it should be clear from this episode, NO ONE from the Mothership should ever be allowed to write for this show again.

[Mel]

Oh, I loved Felicity! It got me through college. Although, I always wondered about their insanely huge dorm rooms (in NYC, no less), while mine was smaller than Robin's baby's clos...er, nursery.

As to this episode...yeah, it sucked. The whole Kyle and the syphilis story will now haunt me for the rest of my life. I wonder if I can sue. I think Shonda Rhymes SHOULD sue.

The one bright spot - Patrick's monologue at the end. He was hotly remorseful and sincere.

[natty3]

great review! i am in total agreement accept for the robert patrick scene and patrick's monologue at the end about how he has found love this episode was so boring. this epsiode and next weeks are being written by OG GH people and after that we are back to sri, so im bracing myself for next week as well. THe senior citizen plot line was so horrible and the same with the french woman. the acting was also awful. we needed more patrick and robin. this hapened like this last year as well. Last season started with the shower scene this season started with them on the couch, i hope its not gonna be like Ns1 where their love scenes abruptly halted. anyway again thanks for the review!

[Liz]

Great recap. I've been lurking around here for some time now, but have finally decided to post.

I am sincerely hoping that this episode does not signal a downward spiral for this show. I would equate its quality to episode one of the first season of Night Shift (which I hated for many, many reasons...I stopped watching halfway through and kept up with it only through this blog until the season finale).

I suppose I am more forgiving with this season and willing to overlook boring storylines, the occasional bad dialogue, and some mediocre (sometimes awful) acting among the cast and day-players for a few reasons:

1) Patrick and Robin are finally front and center, as we were promised they would be season 1

2) Robert and Jagger are on my screen

3) New writers...and already obvious improvements from day one

4) I can't stomach GH these days, and on the occasional day I do tune in to see what's going on I see Lulu screeching or Carly being irritating and dumb and immediately change the channel

This episode was pretty boring overall, with a few nice moments with Patrick and Robin (Patrick's monologue being my favorite). I was not impressed, but I'm going to hope that things will improve next week. But I've been burned in the past, so...we'll see...

[Beth R.]

I too loved Felicity! I may have every episode on DVD....not that i spend weekends watching them en mass or anything.

I'm convinced that Guza gave the writers from the mothership a mission when they wrote episodes for NS2....screw it up. Make it awful! Prove his point that nothing and he means nothing is awesome as a show revolving around criminals and shrieking harpies.

When in doubt..blame Guza....it saves a lot of time and ususally you're right!

Thumbs up for Robert Scorpio being legitimately hillarious. "Patty Cake" is no "mob adjacent" but its close.....

[Sarah]

I appreciate that NuLeo is now simply "Leo" in quotes. HA! Do we eyeroll with the air quotes?!?!?! Like we all know he isn't Leo at all. May I suggest "GH" as we all know what airs under Guza isn't really GH at all! Scratch that, my eyes hurt from all the rolling.

And all references to Felicity, To Catch a Predator, and a very special episode of Blossom are also deeply appreciated. Which gets me to the first point above, if DR had gone all Felicity on his hair we would have loved his return to the character of Leo. He, unlike KR, needed the hair cut big time!

The Stone kid actor is really cute!!!!!!!

And jab all you want at ASJr's acting, I know he is not always aware he is on the job so to speak. However, he is hot! And in this country and on soaps that can make up for a lot. Pretty people need work too.

Who knew syphyllis was so ripe with comedic opportunity? Poor Kyle. He's got acting potential and I hope he gets more to do. His scene w/ Patrick announcing "He has syphyllis." was funny. I loved outraged annoyed Patrick! The rest was skeevy. Nice call on the hobit by the way. YIKES.

All in all it wasn't stellar. But it sets up some major possibilities for excellence. Both the colon cancer and autism stories could be amazingly dramatic and entertaining. Especially considering it mens more Robin, Robert, Patrick, Jagger, Stone, and Saira!!!! And as always the highlights are Scrubs! They need lots more airtime even though they are the so called leads.

I remain hopeful and positive even after this episode. It still is far superior to "GH" aka OG GH aka General Mobsters.

[Sarah B.]

Thank you for a very funny and entertainig recap of a not-so-exciting episode. I'm probably the only one who still enjoyed this episode even though I do agree with the assessment in the recap, especially how slow it was. It also did feel disjointed and now that I'm reading this rumor about Sri Rao re-writing it, I can see that that's probably why it felt that way. He probably salvaged it as best he could and maybe it was enough for me. I'm becoming more and more a fan of this writer. Does anyone know anything about him?

Mainly I think that this episode advanced a few of the stories so I feel like there was a point to it at least. It did kind of feel like they could have done more with the time allotted but the ending with Patrick made it all worthwhile for me as a Scrubs fan.

I also really enjoyed seeing Kyle and I thought the senior story was funny. I think that we were actually supposed to feel all weirded out in the same way Kyle felt. So I actually think those scenes were well done in that regard. It's ok if I'm the only one who thought that lol. I just really want to see more from Kyle and Claire. I've been enjoying their webisodes (would love to read your guys' takes on those lol!). I think these two characters remind me of how the folks on Friends were back in the first episodes of that show because when I watch those episodes I see the same awkwardness/forced-ness. I guess I see potential and hope that by next week we see more from them.

My favorite part of the episode (outside of the Patrick/Robin scene leading to the kiss of course) was when Saira was assessing Little Stone. All three actors did a fabulous job and should be commended on the authenticity of those scenes. Bravo to everyone involved in shooting that scene.

As the only Leo fan in existence, I will say that I did not appreciate that elevator scene. But I still like him :).

[horselover]

I'm in complete agreement. Episode #4 was disappointing. It totally felt like it was written by the hacks at GH. Robert was hardly on as well. Time will tell if NS will become better or turn into another arm of the mothership.

[Tania]

This episode was the worst of the season, but "worst of the season" is still better than NightShit1 and most of OG GH. Best thing about this episode by far was Patrick's ending speech and the wordless kiss. I wish Patrick would have set the record straight though that he wasn't lying about Danielle(and I agree that she was a bad actor, but this bad actor was shear genus compared to Leyla's actor). Anyway, the rest of the episode was also only ok. Robert Scorpio can be the bright light of anyday, his "Pattycakes" was pure awesome because thats my nickname for Patrick too. I really didn't like Robin calling Patrick a liar and not believing him, Patrick is not a liar, I mean yeas everyone lies but not the way I took what Robin said. I skipped over Jagger(who I don't find to be hot or interesting, sorry), Siara, "Leo", Claire, Epiphany, and Billy Dee. I only watched Kyle because he was so funny. Besides Patrick, Robin, Muffin, and Big Daddy Scorpio I have no reason to watch NS2 or GH.

So my highlight was Patrick's speech and the hotness(has Danielle's sister SEEN Patrick, I don't believe it is posssible there is hotter than him) and amazingness that is Jason Thompson.

[Tania]

*slaps head*

I suck, its "genius" not "genus". Sorry for any other mistakes, I hope it doesn't bother you as much as it does me.

*stares at mistake{s} in disdain*

[amiejayne]

I was flying high on foolish hopefulness after the last couple episodes, but this one shot so many holes in the wings of my little plane that it's smoking and going down fast.

I completely concur that it seemed to go on forever, and so it follows that there was a lot of terribleness.

My top five worst moments:
1. Toussaint/Pif date, especially when he ordered for her and she didn't jack his ass up and walk out. The wistful genuineness of the "fat girl" asking why he'd be interested in her when the scene morfed from disgusting chauvinism to two out-of-practice older daters finding their way only slightly redeemed it.

2. Robin making comments about Patrick being a dog and Robert being a crappy father. The Patrick smack-downs were eerily reminiscent of both NS1 and many recent months of GH and made me want to scream and kick a pregnant woman's ass, simultaneously if possible. And if they were going to leave out the "horrible absentee father" that GH wrote Robert Scorpio as, shouldn't they have... left it out?

(I would put something in here about the horribleness of Saira, whose character I mostly love, succumbing to the non-existent charm and sex appeal of such a smarmy, disgusting, and one-dimensional person as Leo, but that was knocked out of the running by the old folks. But Robin, why did you not smack Saira upside the head and add a big "WTF were you thinking" for good measure? But I digress.)

3,4, and 5. The awfulness of the whole "swinging senior syphilis" storyline.... I don't even know what I can say without making myself throw up thinking of it. I am trying to figure out how some of you found that "amusing", and I really can't. Unless nauseous is the new amusing.

Let's start with the 70+ woman talking about her "kitty". Censors, you have failed me and I'm sending you my therapy bill. If I never hear a senior citizen refer to her privates as "kitty" again in the next 12 millenia, it will be far too soon. And the sad thing is, as soon as she said it, I knew what she was talking about, but I couldn't get to the pause button fast enough to save myself. I'm glad older people are having sex, because I hope to be one of them someday, but please, God, when I am 70, I hope I will not be referring to my parts "down there" using teenage/20-something slang.

Then, there were all of the seniors hanging around and hanging on each other in the waiting area. That they were posed that way was so obvious, I probably don't need to mention it. That the acting was so ridiculous and over-the-top also was one of the least offensive things about that scene. In point of fact, it reminded me of the "senior citizen garage band" on the Viagra commercial so much that I was sure they were going to break out singing "Viva Viagra" at any moment.

So those things, I could stand. Begrudgingly. It was the junior high nudge-nudge, wink-wink routine that I found so sickening and degrading. That, and when Kyle walked in with the cucumber and the condom, I.... I think I blacked out. I don't know what happened, but it was bad. If I am ever 70 and forget all I know about STDs, I will kill the bastard who sends in someone my grandkids' age to demonstrate safe sex to me with a cucumber.

All that was bad enough, and I was just starting to recover when the seniors were leaving. Cute, if cliche, talk among the senior "ladies" about setting their granddaughters up with Kyle. But they couldn't just leave it there. No. And I can't even type about what happened next. If you watched the show or read the recap, you already know, and if I even think about it any more, I'm seriously going to barf. Poor, poor actor who plays Kyle. He's going to need lots of therapy. Or he's never going to be able to be around old men without squeezing his buttcheeks together.

The Robin/Patrick scene at the end was so unbearably sweet, as have many of their moments on GH been lately, but I felt a bit of last-season-NS/GH whiplash because she went from he's-a-dog to he's-so-sweet mode in five minutes and I had been hoping we were done with schizophrenic scrubs. I enjoyed the scene nonetheless, and JT did such a terrific job of sounding choked-up and genuine in that scene that I fell in love with him a little. Ok, a little more.

And now it looks like Robert has cancer. Bad, if it's already spread and caused a benign tumor in his brain. (Is that even possible, for a malignant tumor to spawn benign ones???) Thank god that I know miracle cures can happen on soaps, or my littl plane would be crashed and burning in a field somewhere. For now, I'm flying low and reserving fuel. But next week better be a LOT better, or this trip is over for me.

[Sarah B.]

As someone who thought the senior scenes were funny, I can try to answer your question amiejayne, though I only speak for myself of course :). First, it may be the case that someone like me who is 30 will know about STDs when I'm 70, there are many seniors out there who may not currently because they were 20-30 perhaps in the 1950's or 60's (I'm not good at simple math so just go with me here if I'm off by a decade lol). So for me, I thought it was great that a show was showing seniors in a way that wasn't the typical asexual grandma with glasses baking cookies role (though of course my grandma has never had sex and bakes the awesomest cookies for me as she should).

Second, I thought the scenes were funny in terms of how the actor who plays Kyle acted in response to the characters. His facial expressions/body language were great and I thought he was really funny with his timing of lines. He made me feel how uncomfortable the character felt. Perhaps these scenes were uncomfortable in the same way that many of us were horrified when we accidentally walked in on our parents doing the deed...but then I am a parent now and as uncomfortable as it may be for my child to one day think of her parents ever having sex, I'm very happy that I have a sex life and hope to have one when I'm 90 :).

As for Robert's cancer...yes, it is medically possible for colon cancer that is malignant to lead to tumors elsewhere that are not so I have to give props to the writers for having such a nice twist in leading us to think it was one thing when it's another. Also props for picking a cancer that we don't usually see on soaps. I think this is going to give Robert some meaty scenes and I can't wait to see Scorpio rise from this stronger (at least he better!).

okay..maybe it's just me, but i didn't think the show was that bad, and i found the scenes with kyle and the seniors funny..i wasn't crazy about the pif/toussaint scenes, but the reference to 'lady sings the blues' was cute..i'd still take this episode over anything playing on gh right now..

[ckn]

I didn't think episode #4 was much worse than 1-3, but it definitely wasn't my favorite based on the fact that Scrubs weren't highlighted as a couple until the end and the interaction between Robin/Jagger was limited. The best part of the episode for me was Patrick's stuff. Breaking another person's heart for sport isn't cool or nice and I am glad we finally saw Patrick apologize for his womanizing ways. Patty cakes has come a long way!

[patricia McKenzie]

Did loving this show!! after the God awful stuff (watching my language here lol) from SEASON 1 I am giving this eppy a huge thumbs up!!!

[Maya]

I'm in complete agreement, Episode #4 was disappointing. However, I did find some worthy scenes. What I did like:

1) Patrick/Robin non-verbal scene leading to the kiss
2) Saira was assessing Little Stone (I like her and hope they bring to OG GH)
3) Jagger’s scene in the elevator after being in denial mode with Robin. It was honesty at best – men usually are the last ones to accept there may be something different about their sons.
4) Patrick's apology at the end; remorseful and sincere (in his hotness) Patrick's come a long way!

What I didn’t like:
1) The bad dialogue, and some mediocre/awful acting of all the senior citizens, the French speaking woman in particular
2) The senior citizens with syphilis the entire plot line was horrible. Yikes!
3) Pip/Toussaint scenes (BDW didn’t seem genuine and his acting stiff/awkward)
4) Nu Leo!!!! (can’t say it enough)
5) It’s starting to make me pessimistic again as in last NS Season 1 after episode 3!

I too agree with the comments posted by Liz. “I'm convinced that Guza gave the writers from the mothership a mission when they wrote episodes for NS2....screw it up. Make it awful! Prove his point that nothing and he means nothing is awesome as a show revolving around criminals and shrieking harpies.”

I am sincerely hoping that this episode is not a signal to a downward spiral for NS2. But on another note, thank God for Sri’s rewriting because I CAN imagine what the script was like before Sri got his hands on it!

[jordanbaker]

You know, if you fast forward all Epiphany/Billy Dee scenes, grit your teeth through Saira's wooden acting, and accept that the senior syphillis storyline is just a C grade House ripoff. . . the episode's not that bad.

[Sue]

This week was definately one of the weakest episodes. The Pip/Toussaint stuff was boring and did not belong in this episode. I thought the Kyle/senior stuff was funny. The best part of the episode by far was Robin overhearing Patrick talking about how he found the womnan he's going to spend the rest of his life with. I'm looking forward to the rest of the Robert storyline as long as Sri is writing it.

[Loren]

OMFG!! I should've listened to your advice on the "Lemon" thing...My eyes and my brain are scarred for life!!!
Hahaha....

[BarbE]

It did have the feel of that nightmarish season 1 of Night Shift. I was in shock thinking the whole time "what has happened between episode 3 and this mess"? I saw where someone said it was schizophenic. I thought it was too. I see now that Mr. Rao had to rewrite what a GH writer had done. I guess that's why it was so off, he should have just scrapped the whole mess and started over. I as a fan woiuld have much rather not seen Night Shift for that week than having to sit through episode 4. It was a depressing chore too reminiscent of last summer. They could have just shown episode 3 again! Does he watch present day GH or season 1 of Night Shift? Please Mr. Rao, do not let those writers near this or future seasons of Night Shift! Oh yeah, the Patrick contritely apologizing to all the females in the world scene. All I could think was- why aren't the writers having him apologize TO Robin for his flirty behavior before their break-up and his stupid skanky behavior during their break-up?! It was wasted on that chick since she'll forget it soon anyway. UGH. I hate GH..I mean this episode of Night Shift.

[cherries4376]

Hey Mallory,

Hilarious commentary as usual. I don't know, I kinda liked this episode. I thought the seniors were funny and I thought the Touissant/ Pif date was interesting, but I think you're totally right that Billy Dee was phoning it in. It's rather obvious that he doesn't believe in this storyline. Nonetheless, while this episode may not have been as good as the rest, I still kinda liked it.

You know, it is quite possible that my standards are somewhat low given the present state of GH. Therefore, anything that doesn't have to do with the mob makes me a little giddy. Ah the sadness!

[Marianne]

This wasn't my favorite epi., true, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been-b/c, you know, I've seen NS1 and OG GH, so my standards are low. Seriously, though, there were moments I FLOVED-the fact that Robin FINALLY, FINALLY got to act like any woman w/a brain, when dating a man like Patrick who, let's face it, has only been reformed since about April, WOULD. OF COURSE she would assume French chick was one of his conquests-I certainly did. OF COURSE she might think he was lying-didn't he do a whole lot of it, re: Leyla, about a year ago?! And I loved that Patrick finally got that, b/c of the things he's done to both Robin and others in the past, he has a long way to go before his word is accepted as fact-and before Robin will NOT have that niggling little doubt in the back of her mind, and ESPECIALLY before her dad will trust him w/his baby. And I ALSO loved that Patrick didn't seem to be smug about or proud of his womanizing reputation-he, actually, seemed pretty ashamed of it!! YAY! And I, o/c, loved his little speech at the end-and, as a bonus, we didn't have to see Robin apologize to him for, like, the millionth time. The way she kissed him said it all, and that was good enough for me. And BDS!! I just love that man. And Jagger and Stone-SO. CUTE.

The rest of it, though? Meh. Although, w/my phobia of creepy-ass clowns, I'll take the horny grannies over that maniacally laughing bastard from last season ANY. DAY.

[Ellen]

Thanks a heck of a lot Mallory. You mention this lemon party things and tell us not to look it up? Well, of course we are going to look it up. It was a reverse psychology thing, right? You wanted us to look it up and . . . just eeeww I am not sure if I will ever get over seeing that!