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« Making the Daytime Emmys Look Like Shakespeare | Main | The Day's Dumbest Dialogue »

September 22, 2008

Pain Valley

Did you know that Connie Fletcher, who once played the utterly useless and bafflingly bland Erin Lavery, is married to Aaron Staton, who plays Ken Cosgrove on Mad Men?

Furthermore, did you know that Mad Men is a remarkably brilliant show and that Christina Hendricks may, in fact, be the sexiest human being on television these days and yes, I am saying she's even hotter than Jason Thompson and James Scott (Yes, I went there). And also, did you know she was in a Lifetime movie called Hunger Point, which starred Barbara Hershey, who is apparently starring in a new Anne of Green Gables movie that, judging from the IMDB listing, is the biggest bunch of bullshit to ever exist and whose plot description LITERALLY made me wheeze and cry because I can forgive television an awful lot of things like unaborting fetuses or or turning Australian bumblers into ice cold British terrorists but I cannot forgive television for screwing up the legacy of Anne Shirley, I just cannot. That is just...Anne is not an orphan? Are you people kidding me? This is why hippies don't watch TV and judge others for doing so, because TV sometimes does things that should be prosecutable in a court of law.

Perhaps the above says that I have too much time on my hands if I am randomly reading articles on wikipedia, or maybe it says that I should possibly consider not taking YA fiction quite so seriously, but above all what it says is that...I will go to all sorts of lengths to keep my discussion of AMC on the purely tangential level.


When I saw that Tamara Braun is joining the cast as Bianca's girlfriend, my first instinct was to do a slow motion "Nooooooo! Tamara, save yourseeeeeeeelf!", which quickly gave way to...what the eff do the people at ABC Daytime offer stars to come join one of their, um, quality soap programs? Genie Francis, Vincent Irrizarry, Tamara Braun. Whatever it is, it probably can't be worth the pain that comes along with acting out some of the, um, "entertaining" "stories" the AMC and GH writers come up with.

On the plus side, Bianca returning with Tamara's character as her love interest means that she and Zarf didn't fall in love and have a thousand babies together, so, you know, that's a pleasant surprise. Nicely done, Charless Pratt, Jr.

I rarely, if ever, express this sentiment, but in the interest of fairness I have to: shut up, Kendall. Just...shut up. Please. For the love of god, shut up.

You know, I don't know if it's because I've made my peace with it on account of its inevitability or what, but I am okay with Greenlee and Ryan's blessed union of blessed awesomeness. At the very least, it gets them out of the dating pool and it will be easy to fast forward them. But if I have to sit through one more scene of Kendall bordering on the verge of hysteria about the two of them, I won't be held responsible for my actions. It's like this story was specifically designed to challenge my assertion that I'd watch Alicia Minshew do anything.

There are, literally, thirty six thousand other storylines Kendall could be a part of right now. Hell, Alicia Minshew could just, like, tap dance on screen and it would be more entertaining than watching Kendall pretty much ruin her life, and the lives of viewers, in the name of Ryan and Greenlee's true love.


I admit to being super judgmental about Beth Ehlers and Ricky Paullllllll Goldin based on the force with which ABC Daytime pimped them out to the soap press. Indeed, I think that the approach to Taylor and Jake's introduction/reintroduction to the canvas is another example of the way that ABC Daytime just sucks at everything they touch. There shouldn't have been so many interviews together about their awesome chemistry and perfect working relationship, and they shouldn't have been focused on so much at the Daytime Emmys because it set the bar way, way too high and brought about an almost immediate backlash, at least on my part.

I'm not at all sold on the character of Taylor, and I think that the Iraq war is a subject that needs to be handled with grace and tact and I don't know that many shows on tv right now could do it well, but I really, really like Beth Ehlers a lot. There's something about her screen presence that I really enjoy, and even if I'm not a fan of her character yet, I don't groan when she's on screen, which, y'know, is a pretty big deal on this show.

Ricky Paull Goldin and the character of Jake Martin can suck it, though.


[This is the space where I'd talk about Babe and JR and their impending nuptials and their rekindled love, but I can't do it, I just can't, because I hate everything about Babe with an intensity that hasn't dulled even with a new actress and the only way I will be on board with this wedding is if it involves Babe being kidnapped and sold to gypsies and never heard from again. I know, right, as if the gypsies would want her. But you know what I mean]

There are a couple of bright spots, namely Adam, Erica and Petey.

Petey completely, completely rules. I think he's outrageously adorable, and his scenes after being struck by lighting when he is suddenly confident were hilarious. And he and New Colby are cute together! If they continue to be so sweet, I may eventually accept her as Colby. And he and Palmer and Opal are beyond hilarious with each other. The moral of the story is that I love this kid to death. 

I don't exactly understand why tycoon Adam Chandler is relying on a teenager to help him with his dastardly deeds, but the two of them are so funny together that I don't really care.

Adam:I do feel sorry for the boy, being raised by a fossil and a fruitcake.


I know that this sabotaging the Bella perfume story, like so many others before it, will end with Adam being denigrated by all of Pine Valley for being the most evil person this side of Ronald McDonald, but I can't help but love everything this man does.

And he and Erica are...something else. I LOVE watching them together, but it's kind of...weird? I guess. I don't know what to make of them, but they amuse me so greatly that I am not going to question anything. I really hope that the powers-that-be follow through on their pledge to keep La Lucci on screen even as she competes on Dancing With the Stars, although I'm sure they will, since we never got a Ryan-free day when Cameron Mathison was on the show. I don't watch DWTS, but I am totally rooting for her anyway, because she is the fiercest pocket sized diva in the world.


I may start watching AMC when Bianca comes back with Tams as her love interest. That's at least a month away, right? Maybe things will have improved by then... Or maybe I'll watch the clips on YouTube.

I caught an episode a few days ago and actually thought it was entertaining. Not that the show still doesn't have it's problems but it's been a while since I've seen an episode and most of it didn't bore me.

Becca and Mallory, soaps would not be worth watching without you :-)

Even the gypsies don't want Babe? Darn it! What if we throw in a shiny new ipod, any color they want?

To me the odd greatness of Petey and Adam is that they are the AMC version of Stone Cold and Spinelli.... but much better! I love the odd pairings. Like me and Jason Thompson!!!!!

I just watched Susan Lucci on DWTS and despite whatever awkward moves she puts out, she is the fierceness. Do those judges not know to whom they speak? Rules go out the window when La Lucci is on the dance floor! They better watch out cause Erica Kane can cut a bitch. And over far less than crappy scores on a celebrity dance competition!

I think it says something that I was more entertained by the AMC clip they showed on DWTS than I actually am when I'm watching AMC. But maybe that was because it was an awesomely over-the-top Erica Kane bitchslap.

My own theory on how ABC daytime continues to do this is blackmail....dirty dirty blackmail. Of what exactly I don't know but apparently its big and immoral and something so bad even appearing on ABC daytime seems like a better idea than the secret coming out.

You know I too once thought "Well if they pair them up I can at least ff through two people at once so yeah!" The two were Sonny/Emily. Be warned.

Oh lord, I can't tolerate Tamara Braun. I was so thrilled when she finally left GH. Oh well.

NO. NO. NO. They cannot mess with Anne of Green Gables this way. It's just WRONG. I don't want any part of that.

And on the subject of AMC, I'll offer a potentially minority opinion - I don't like Bianca and I wish she were not returning. Her potential pairings are of no concern to me since I don't like her at all. I don't care much for Erica, either, so maybe I just don't like the entire family. I loathe Kendall.

Adam deserves every bad thing that ever happens to him. No sympathy from me - but I do think that David Canary is freakin' awesome. Petey has not won me over yet.

I must disagree on Ricky Paull Goldin though. I've never seen him before, and I was fully prepared not to like him. Surprisingly, he is winning me over. He has an innate charm that appeals to me and his version of Jake seems more like a real person than the last few actors were able to manage. I'm not sure about Beth Ehlers yet. Again, never saw her work until now. I don't hate the character, but she needs more contact than just Jake and Amanda. We'll see. I certainly don't trust ANY writer at ABC Daytime to write properly for a military character. They SUCK at it, unless of course it involves destroying the character - that is something at which they excel. So sad.

Forget AMC...LM Montgomery has bypassed rolling over and quickly moved on to crawling out of her grave in order to bring a beatdown to whomever gave the go ahead for this travesty of a movie. These people do know there were 8 Anne books right? Gilbert never went to. WWII let alone die in it...and who exactly is Dominic? I believe she had what...6 kids...not a one named Dominic though. Way to Guza-ify my childhood memories of the best series ever...

I diverge from you most greatly on the subject of AMC. I just do not think it's as bad as you seem to. I admit that I loathe the idea of Ryan & Greenlee but also acknowledge its inevitability. I just want them together so that Aidan can move on already. Also that may help Kendall to finally get back to living her own life. She's been driving me up a tree lately.

I LOVE Ricky/Jake and that is coming from someone who did not watch him before AMC. I think it's my being swayed by his hotness. And though I didn't enjoy the ad campaign either, I actually like Taylor and Jake. She frustrates me more on her own than she does with him.

We do agree on Adam and Erica. They are just damn entertaining.

I like Petey but I go through stages of finding him creepy. He can be too much of a stalker for my liking. Also I don't think Colby is quite so fantastic as he does. I admit I did enjoy their scenes post lightning-strike more. I also do like Adam and Petey's scenes regardless of their illogicality.

I personally also like Frankie no matter what he does. Randi's getting better and I like the vibe she's got going with not only Frankie but also Amanda.

I wish there was more Angie & Jesse and less of the AMC airtime hogs...well really Ryan.

The ummm. (...wait for it...) Sonny&AlexisfandeepdowninsideofmewillalwayshateTamaraBraun. I don't even watch AMC anymore (the Tivo accidentally brought it back to me one night and wtf Erica Kane's cellmate is now dating Jack? WTF?) and I'm peeved Tamara Braun is joining the cast. She will always be the bitch (saint? cause really Alexis is way to good for Sonny) that busted up Sexis to me (I was like 15 ok!) I didn't really care about her on Days cause seriously...you can't really mess *that* show up anymore. I'm glad that Eden R. is coming back though so hey I'll take that grain of salt. (Does anyone else remember the OMG Michael Cambias raped Bianca! storyline from like 5 years back? It was the best AMC was and probably ever will be in the 2000's all thanks to Eden and Alicia)
Plus I loved Zarf in that way I love drag queens and "so brilliant they're crazy" rockstars.
I do love Erica Kane though. In a different way from Zarf. I pretend it's a "LOL she's so campy, soapy, and over the top" ironic love, but it's really "OMGZ La Lucci I love you Erica Kane is the fiercest fiercette that ever fierced" fan gurl love.
Yeah I'm a dork.

The Anne spoiler? Easily the most disturbing spoiler I can ever remember. EVER. It even beats any shitty plot that has come out of GH in the past decade or more.

Dominic was some baby that frakking Kevin Sullivan invented in his last god awful, puke inducing Anne "sequel". Anne had moved to NYC to become a writer and sort of hooked up with Cameron Daddo's idiot character. Dominic is that character's son with some dead woman. CD's character dies and so Anne and Gilbert adopt the boy.

Re: AMC? Adam always rules!

I have to say painful as it is, I am beginning to agree with you about my wonderful Kendall. Someone needs to move this whole "Ryan-fixation" along & get her over this asap! I feel for Zach listening to this nite & day. God how I want my fabulous Zen back to being recognizable. I wonder if AMC will ever get a clue about what the viewers want? Doesn't seem like it.
Also have to agree- Erica, Adam, Petey, Palmer, Opal are the best thing AMC has going right now & I am howling with laughter on a daily basis! Please soap gods, let these masters continue this hilarity & please give us back Zen to their former glory. And for the love of all things holy, forget about Take & Frandi- they are so boring I am a zombie watching them.

ICA STFU kendall just shut up. enough already........i can't stand it, so i can see exactly how zach must feel. i womder how kendall would like it if zach went ON and ON about maureen and her exs.not so great iam sure. in fact i can see her serving zach with DV papers, or giveng him a ULTIMATUM, she is good at that, maybe he should give her one this time, either she wants to be married to him and have a family or she can LEAVE......i am sure zach slater would not be single for LONG....kendall's loss is someother lucky woman's gain the way i see it....jmo

Free Kendall from this story line of Rylee worshipper and give her and something, anything else to do.

You're right Mallory. The writers aren't doing her, Zach or us any favors with this one. I'd rather Zendall argue about Josh, the weather, McCain vs Obama, The Jets vs. The Patriots, Yankees vs Red Sox, whether Ian should have peas or strained peaches for dinner. Anything, anything besides what we are getting. I thought Pratt had more creativity and insight than this.

Kudos to the Adam, Erica and Petey part of your post. I also heartily agree with you about Ricky Paull Goldin. When he looks mournfully at Taylor with puppy-dog eyes, I know I'm supposed to think "Oh, he's a tormented soul" but all I really think is "Oh yeah ... he definitely practiced that look in the mirror and thinks he's awesome." I just really don't like the guy so far. I must respectfully disagree about Beth Ehlers, although I'm a bit on the fence still. She is capable of some truly poignant moments but then there is so much else that is oddly flat to me. Perhaps its her interpretation but it just feels stilted at times (and not the "yes SIR" times which are supposed to be stilted). However, I'm willing to continue giving her a chance. Really dislike the idea of a Taylor character though because it's like a bad Guza rerun: the career woman who's neurotic and can't manage a social life because, of course, people that devote themselves to their career have no femininity nor grace. They live half a life and are pathetic figures. Yes, Pratt, all that time with your buddy BobbyG has served you well in the character of Taylor. And by the way, Mallory, you may read too much YA fiction ... but you also got ME hoooked on 'em with your recommendations, which means I get about half the things done in life I should. Should I thank you or curse you for those recommendations?

BTW, I loved Susan Lucci on DWTS. She's no dancer but there's something that tugs at my heart -- maybe because she's endearingly awkward but you can tell she's going to put her heart and soul into trying to do better. I just adore her even when sometimes I cringe for her! LOL. Go figure.

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