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« Our Column in the 10/14 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | Farewell To a True Daytime Legend »

October 08, 2008

This Show Is Breath Taking. Interpret That How You Wish

General Hospital continues to innately know how to entertain their viewers. It's a gift, you know? Some shows have to, like, try hard with their "cast integration" and "well thought out storylines", but...doesn't it make you better at something if you can be awesome at it without even trying?! Everything on the show right now is just so great.

Take, for example, the revelation that Sonny has a son...with Kate's cousin! Scandalous, am I right? Let's look at all of the elements that make this story awesome:

  • Sonny really doesn't have enough kids on canvas. And, you know, one of his sons is in a coma, so I think he needed a replacement son. Just imagine the feuds that will happen between Michael and Dante when Michael wakes up. Get your popcorn popped, because that is going to be fabulous!
  • Two brand new characters! Eeeee!!! There was simply no room on this show for Emily Quartermaine, or Georgie Jones, but who needs them, anyway, right? Olivia and Dante may not have the same "legacy" or whatever, but they'll totally rule
  • More Sonny! He totally doesn't get the attention that he deserves on this show

And how about Vincent Pastore?!


It's great that he's taking time out of his busy reality tv show hopping schedule to pop by Port Charles. And now he'll learn about what the mob is REALLY like and the way The Sopranos just glossed over the actual mafia business. Plus, more Max and Milo, and Jason! My Magic 8 Ball says...this is going to kick ass!

...okay, none of that, at all, is in the same hemisphere as being true, but I figured that if I maybe buttered up the powers-that-be, they'd be placated and ease up a little on driving the audience crazy. But who am I kidding, right?

Fact: when I heard that Sonny's child is Dante Angelo Falconeri, I noticed how similar DAF is to DIAF, a phrase I believe Bob Guza says to his viewers every day.

I refuse to say anything further on the subject of Vincent Pastore, because I can only imagine the glee Bob Guza has at having an actual Sopranos cast member on his Sopranos ripoff, and I will not give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it with a comment. Also, all comments I have would basically be expletives strung together between random punctuation marks and ellipses which, though highly descriptive of my GH induced mental state, are not fun to read.

Okay, wait, I lied, here is one thing I have to say on the subject: if Max's father is a big named mobster named MAXimus Giambetti, why did no one ever put two and two together? Not one mobster--okay, Sonny and Jason aren't that bright, but, like Diane never said "You know, there's a hugely powerful mobster with the same exact name as you. Crazy!" I know the GH writers think that we are all idiots, but COME ON. They couldn't have given his father a different name? Stupid effing show.


Sonny having a long-lost son is terrible on so many fronts. I am trying to think of how this could POSSIBLY be interesting, and then I realized what a futile endeavor this was, because even if Dante was the most awesome new character to hit Port Charles in eons--well, first of all, we said the same thing about Kate, and looked what happened to her! RUINED. In the blink of an eye. But even more than that, this guy could be fantastic and played by the best actor in the world and the entire thing would still be loathsome because Sonny's greasy self would be mumbling up in it.

AND we're going to have to see Carly reacting to the news that Sonny has another son (Psychic vision: I see shrieking) AND we're going to have to see some Zacchara bullshit conference about it AND we're going to have to see Jason blink and stare blankly when he hears the news.

(Yes, it's ridiculous that I am this irritated over something that hasn't really gone anywhere yet. This insanity is a function of this show. I am filing paperwork for a class action lawsuit as we speak)


You know who I love? Robin and Patrick.

And you know what I'd love for the characters I love? An actual storyline that doesn't involve sitcom plots passed up by the writers of Two and a Half Men and That Crappy Show With Brad Garrett.


I mean, seriously. The writing for them utterly depresses me. Kimberly McCullough deserves better. Jason Thompson deserves better. The thirty six people watching deserve better. I see what the writers are going for--something more light hearted, and whimsical and cute, which I think works for them and could be tres adorable if done properly--but, as is so often the case with the GH writers, they land about a thousand miles from where they aimed to be.

And on the Drake subject: remember how Matt and Patrick are brothers? Yeah, I think we are the only ones who do...


Greg Vaughan holding a baby continues to be one of the world wonders.


Jake? Soooo not impressed with Sam. That baby is clearly thinking "I'll never forget, bitch".


Nadine is too stupid to live.


I actually get headaches watching her. There is nothing sweet and endearing about her.  What is supposed to, I think, be naive spunkiness comes across as severely brain damaged and annoying. Whether it's her total meltdown over her ridiculous assumption that Nikolas and Carly were hooking up to her (...I'd say "ill advised", but with Nadine, that qualifier is wholly unnecessary) decision to dress up like a maid to snoop in Jerry's hotel room, I just have no patience for her. "Tee hee! I am going to rip off an episode of The Nanny and sneak into the hotel room of a terrorist! What could possibly go wrong?!?!"

Unless this turns out to be a PSA about, like, the dangers of huffing, I am not understanding her at all.


The show is not all bad, though: Ric and Claudia are nuclear hot together.


If they both weren't horribly written characters whose morals, histories, motivations and purposes changed on a daily basis, they could have potential for something great. If only Sarah Brown and Rick Hearst were on a different show!


Liz and Jason made me cringe today. Her surprise that the business and everything business related would always come first. Seriously? You have this epiphany on October 8th, 2008? Your first hint wasn't...um, everything that has happened since since AJ's car accident? Really? You're better than that, Liz.

Her bitchface upon seeing Sam and Lucky macking on her couch (!!! What would Miss Manners say?!) was a thing of beauty, though.


Oh, Becky Herbst, you rule in so many ways. But, as a friend, I must urge you to go back to dark hair. I'm just saying.

Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase


....1st? lol.
Big. Pussy. Is on General Hospital.
As much as I really *do* like Max and Diane (Sonny & Alexis 2.0) was this really necessary? I mean really?

I can't begin to explain why I like Nadine, I think because Nikolas is actually hot again as opposed to brooding/raving lunatic and I haven't thought that since around 2003 (which is,coincidentally when Natalia Livingston's Emily was introduced).

She just manages to get herself into the dumbest situations but I did fall for it and now think of her as spunky and cute and would rather think of her as the plucky heroine as opposed to say, Carly.

Do we even know why Nik wants to buy the MetroCourt??? I mean really "I like the view?" *eyeroll*
I love how his bitchfights w/ Jax are never ever witnessed by Alexis (or mentioned...or did I tune that out?) which is strange because Alexis and Nik seem to be closer and of course we all know Jax is her bestie. At one point in time I was like "Ugh Alexis is totes gonna' have to have sex with Jax herself to break up him and Carly."

You know, I usually have -247% interest in anything pertaining to this horrible, horrible program, but this:

'Jake? Soooo not impressed with Sam. That baby is clearly thinking "I'll never forget, bitch".'

...combined with that picture made me laugh out loud at the end of a long, rotten day. Kudos.

I'll join your class action lawsuit. We have an excellent case.

Once again Lucky and Sam ruled the show. They are the only thing Gh is getting right. GV is the hottest man in daytime hands down. Today he was glowing. They are so in love with one another. They need to increase the airtime for them maybe I would watch more.

OMG! I totally missed this whole thang with Ric and Claudia. They are hot! In other news, I'm probably going to become Greg Vaughn's stalker. I am totally LuSam's bitch.

I have a theory that Bob Guza is only a cover identity, and that the people really behind the show are a bunch of disgruntled writers who worked on the show in the '80s and are now trying to avenge themselves on GH fans for complaining so much about Casey the Alien. We surrender! I'll state right now that the Casey the Alien storyline was underestimated brilliance! You all should have gotten jobs writing for Disney and Pixar! Have mercy!

Anyway, if I'm actually wrong, I'm still holding out hope that some Italian-American group will complain about this stupid show where almost everyone in or involved with the mafia happens to have Italian last names and get Guza fired.

Jake is the only PC resident with a memory. He's wise to that hot crazy beyotch who got him kidnapped. Too bad he can't speak yet to set the whole damn town straight. Because no one else seems to have a memory at all.

Like the ever flip flopping Prince Nikky. Picture him slapping his own handsome face back and forth while saying the following... "I'm a ruthless billionaire, I'm a goofy clueless boy in love w/ a twit, I'm Prince Cassidine born of insanity, passion, and enormous power, I'm a single Dad with a Son I never see who seems to grow quite rapidly, I have a tumor I love, Alfred is my boy on the side?"

Under Guza I have no clue who he is anymore. He was brilliant when he arrived at GH. Remember Lulu's bone marrow transplant, his reveal about Luke and Laura to destroye Lucky, his loyalty and resentment of Stefan once he was exposed to the real world and more hidden truths of their family history, the years of battles and confrontations then slow bonding between him and Lucky, when he took a bullet for Jason w/ the stroke and aphasia, his crush and friendship w/ Robin, his time w/ Helena and so on.... He even had a sweet friendship w/ lovesick teen Emily. Guza ruined him too.

He has always loathed Carly for many reasons over the years. Even before she KIDNAPPED his son at birth and had no intention of ever letting him know the truth. Now he flirts with her and compliments her intelligence and business skills? And all because he suddenly wants to run an ugly hotel? He is still a damn Cassidine right? He should be able to buy and sell Jax two times on Sunday let alone take what's Carly's. Once every four years he does or says something really juicy as a Cassidine. We just got that smackdown on Lulu's behalf he made to Zachara so we won't get entertaining Nikolas for another three years!!!

This storyline induces vomiting. Thanks to Guza we get yet another man worshipping at the altar of the evil refuse that is Caroline Benson Carly Roberts Quartermaine Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Corinthos Jax.

Nadine is kinda the Sarah Palin of GH. JMO. All that so called relatable folksie speak and allegedly charming winking to cover up her total lack of everything we need and deserve her to be in her position.

Poor Mac is so tired of his empty jail cells while terrorists and mobsters run free that he is now regularly arresting Patrick for shits and giggles. I miss NS2 where at least it all makes sense. However I was charmed by the Robin & Mac scenes today. The love and respect is so real between them.

The whole Big Pussy debacle is shameful. VP will probably get whacked by his old Soprano's buddies for involving himself in the crapfest that is GH. It's even more tragic than his involvement on the Apprentice.

And I know the law has no place on GH. Any trial by Guza proves that. But the backstory on Maximus is truly idiotic. We're told he was the most ruthless mobster in the US, but so good at his job that he never got caught by the authorities. So as a free citizen of the US who never was convicted of anything he was deported??? To Italy??? And now he is just allowed back for a visit??? And this crazy batshit backstory took place even before the Patriot Act existed???? And the ever competent lawyer Diane just accepts this???

This show is giving me an aneurism.

And as much as I like RH and find him another great wasted actor on GH I did NOT find his hookup w/ Claudia sexy. With his boxing body and her matching muscles along with the smirking and their hideous characters I found it all creepy and not at all the hot juicy goodness I miss on GH. I kept thinking which one of them was the preying mantis ready to eat their partner after the sex act. Icky.

And clearly after a decade of pining for Jason combined with the excessive hair lightening Liz has somehow caught his brain damage. After she asked him that I expected Jason to give her the Sonny Duh Face. DENIAL anyone?

Reports say Sebatian Roche was fired, lucky bastard!

Dear Liz...didn't you have this revelation like EIGHT YEARS AGO? You remember...when Jason moved in with Courtney to "protect her" without telling you, "married" Brenda in Vegas without telling you and oh yeah...didn't tell you Sonny was just pretending to be dead? Becky Herbst I truly don't know what you did to piss Guza off so much but surely it couldn't be so horrid it deserves scenes like that.

Greg + children = big old pile of Beth melted into drool. If the show REALLY wanted to imrpove it would just be Lucky opening a daddy day care and taking care of kids all day long. Patrick can hotly come by and help out.

Sooo- I have a question. Let's go to our super happy place and pretend that Guza, Frons, Phelps and everyone else that has had anything to do with GH over the last 8 or so years was fired...how does this show get fixed enough to be watchable? Was it all a dream? Cause I'm kinda ok with that! Or did Alan, Georgie, Emily and Justus *(but not Courtney, please God) go to a desert island or somewhere else not mob-adjacent to hang out? What is the fix we can live with? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Jake? Soooo not impressed with Sam. That baby is clearly thinking "I'll never forget, bitch".
Oh shit, that's funny as hell. I can't stop laughing. The pic makes is even more awesome.

oh, thanks for watching this trash so that i don't have to. Like Beth R., I'm hanging on to find out that the last 8 years has been a dream.

Well, you got me right where it counts this time with your oh so accurate observation of little Jacob Martin Webber...The look on his face? Yep, that was exactly what he was thinking and I don't understand why the writers think it's a good idea for Liz to think otherwise. No mother would just say...oh, let's let bygones be bygones when it comes to "That Bitch" having any knowledge or assistance in her son being kidnapped and missing for days OR her and her son's being threatened by two men with guns. Also, your point about Elizabeth just now figuring out that to Jason the business will always come first....that was so poignant and I am hoping you are aware of why...It was 10/08/2002 that Elizabeth broke up with Jason and left the penthouse where she had been living with him...her last comments were that Sonny (the business) were his first last and always ...meaning in the scheme of things...she certainly didn't rank anywhere in the middle. Now it's 6 years later to the day and it's the same exact thing !!! (and yes, as much as I hate the push pull that has gone on for 9 years now between those two...I can totally appreciate the nod to history...I would bet money that it was NOT the writers that came up with that !!!)

Finally, this is the first time I have commented but I love, love LOVE your blogs.

alison..your pognient is my freaking sad. Again she already had that realization and for her to have it again....does not help sell that story one iota.

The whole saying for DIAF is "die in a fire! Which will be extinguished by a big bucket of cancer."

If that doesn't describe Phelps and Guza's mission statement I don't know what else could come as close...

Great post, Mallory. The pic of Jake giving Sam a face that rivaled Cam's "bitch please" to Jason clearly shows that Liz's kids have more sense than she does. I mean, seriously? Jason's work will always come first. It's what came between him and Courtney... and him and Sam during that breakup they had back in 2006, and now the same thing is happening with Liz, and she's surprised? To again borrow from Cam, "bitch please"!

And I completely agree with Nadine. She is soooo irritating. Granted, I say this as a person who still laments Emily's death on a regular basis and misses her and Nikolas together more than words can describe, but Nadine is just torture no matter where she is or who she's with. She's just so immature and stupid and annoying, and I just cannot stomach her. Lastly, A-freaking-men on your observation that there wasn't room for Emily or Georgie on the canvas, but that TIIC continue to bring in new, unimportant characters on a regular basis. It annoys the crap out of me and is one of the many reasons I no longer watch the crapfest that is GH.

Jake is clearly following in his mom and brother's footsteps with the awesome facial reactions.

And with that glare, I guess he truly is Jason's son. Hopefully, he'll do more than blink as he ages.

ITA with everything about your post..(except that i am a liason fan...yes i know there's eye rolling but whatever)

Nadine is an idiot....

But the BEST part of your post was when u said jake is clearly thinking "i'll never forget bitch" rofl..thanks for making me seriously laugh out loud with that.

Two things that I was wondering about as I watched the show (with the understanding that I make liberal use of the FF button and frequently miss minor details):

1. When did Max and Diane make up? Isn't she mad at him?

2. How is it that Mr. Super Mobster Dad from Italy doesn't *know* who's running the Port Chuck mob? I thought Sonny was known and feared throughout the mob world.

Just wondering...

the jake comment. no words. just hilarious. i watch the show just to get the occasional glimpse of the hotness that is lucky and patrick. i dont have kids but id gladly get pregnant right now to visit that daycare center u were talking about with those 2 working there. this sonny having a grown kid is just so annoying and boring. how long b4 the long lost daughter shows up too. nevermind he hasnt even spoken to cristina in years. ur right nadine sux and how long b4 jason cook gets let go. is patrick the kiss of death? everytime he gets a male friend to have scenes with they go bye bye like pete ian and now matt who's airtime is nil.

I continued to be amazed at all the different ways you can tell us how awful this show is. It must get tiresome but you continue to entertain us with your wonderful insight. I would just say this show SUCKS! LOL!

I'm with the others in hoping the last 8 years have all been a bad nightmare. It's the ONLY way to save GH.

Sooo, GH has the money to hire some has-been actor from The Sopranos to play the daddy of two dayplayers and feature him in those vomit-inducing ads, but yet can't find the money for new writers or the characters we actually want to see or a cohesive story worth a damn. Mkay. Why do I have this distinct feeling that Bob Guza is pleasuring himself behind closed doors in his office while watching these scenes being taped?

And I've seen approximately 2.5 nanoseconds of that Olivia chick, and she looks like she came from the Bob Guza School of Chicks Like Carly/Claudia/Sam/Lulu/Etc. Which I believe goes: screech, screech/pout, pout/tight dress, tight dress/yell, yell/annoy, annoy. I think I'll pass.

And why hasn't this show put Sonny and Liz together already?? Between his super sperm and her super uterus, they could repopulate the entire freakin' town.

And why can't Nadine and Spinelli just make a suicide pact and save us all the misery of having to watch them any longer??

Summer, honestly, I wouldn't even need an explanation to get those characters back. I could just be happy as a clam just to see a scene of them all at the nurses station at the hospital working away as though nothing ever happened. They don't even need to explain their presences away.

But an hour of Greg Vaughan holding babies? THAT'S must-see TV!

Now here is something really breath-taking:


You will be greatly missed!


We need another Sonny kid like we need another mob shootout. Overkill!

I think Nadine's sole purpose is to make Carly look smarter in comparison... as in, when Nadine does something you say, "Even Carly could have come with a better plan than that, you dumb ho!" Nikolas macking (??!!!!) on Carly and telling her how intelligent she is only serves as further evidence of this "subtle" plan.

Hey Summer, in reference to your "how could we fix this" and all the great characters being on a desert island? IT CAN HAPPEN! People have come back from being frozen and/or drugged and kept on an island by the Cassadines, back from plane crashes, boat crashes, "faked" deaths and murders, "thought-it-was-a-suicide-but-wasn't," etc. et. al. If they can do that, all those characters could surely be returned from some Lost existence!

Hell, they could even do a reenactment of that famous scene on Dallas with Patrick Duffy and Victoria Principal realizing the whole thing was "just a dream..." Of course, it would be with Robin and Patrick, who could hotly be showering....

Of course, it would be with Robin and Patrick, who could hotly be showering....

MMMMM...me likey!

OR they could just do a "Patrick Hotly Showering" scene and gradually have old characters passing through the bathroom at the same time. We'd be so mesmerized by Patrick that we'd forget what happened to them in the first place, and they could just resume their normal lives....

Or we could just do 60 min. a day of Patrick Hotly Showering on GH....it's 5000 times better than any storyline they have currently! Now THAT'S something I could get a bowl of popcorn behind for an hour a day! And I'd pay to remove the commercials! Woot!

I laughed so hard at your Baby Jake comment - I lodged a Cheeto. Brilliant!

One more comment - Nadine went down in a maid uniform and woke up in a hippy sweater - seems Jerry keeps alot of tricks in that closet...

Guza Writing 101: Keep adding characters: you can always kill them off -- along with legacy characters. Killing characters is ALWAYS good for sweeps, and there are four sweep periods per year, so let's kill off at least four characters each year. Or more. If that doesn't win you an emmy for writing, just keep changing/adding to a character's history. Keep your audience begging for more with erratic character behavior, love stories that go nowhere and confusing story lines. Consistency and story arcs are boring, boring, boring. Re-write the past any way you damn well please. For real writer's block, just remember three words: Jason, Jason and Jason.

Let those 'hacks' have 'General Hospital: Night Shift'; I've [Guza] got 'General Hospital: The Soapranos.'

Guza, DIAF...

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