General Hospital: By The Numbers

4: Number of days General Hospital has been on thus far this week

60: Minutes of each episode of General Hospital, counting commercials

240: Minutes of General Hospital on this week, total, counting commercials

232: Minutes of General Hospital on this week in which Sonny was on-screen or mentioned

1: Non-General Hospital related commercials that managed to subtly refer to Sonny

*Okay, SunnyD mentions "Sunny", not "Sonny", but it's close enough and the advertisement comes on often enough that I think there must be a sinister link somewhere

Endless: Amount that I am disturbed by the commercials Alan Thicke does for timeshares in Las Vegas. That may have nothing to do with GH, but I felt it needed to be said anyway. Why, Jason Seaver, why?

232: Minutes during General Hospital that I spent bored

3: Times I painted my nails during General Hospital this week

17: Times I spent aimlessly writing my name to help deal with my boredom

2: Scenes in which Claudia Zacchara was inserted for no real purpose

*Completely random involvement in the Max/Milo/Maximus shenanigans, and I use the word "shenanigans" loosely because that implies some sort of joyfulness and fun, and not stupidity

*Sparring with Olivia, a scene that I assume was written to fulfill the "If we have to have two women in a scene together, they need to talk about Sonny and also call each other bitch and/or whore. Bonus points if they do both" demands of Bob Guza

38: Approximate amount of times this week that Claudia was referred to as a whore or a bitch, or, and I quote, "A rank, skeevy bitch"

24: Minutes I spent searching for a store that sells the kind of..."shirt" Claudia wore just to see how much that concentrated ugly retails for

0: Stores I found that sell that kind of shirt. Not even Frederick's of Hollywood! I think it might be part of a figure skating costume...

1: Completely hilarious Jason Thompson reaction shot to the Claudia/Olivia throwdown

10: Hours a week I would watch a Patrick/Coleman buddy comedy

Patrick: Ok. Anyways, Robin and Sonny, they met through -- well, shared a close bond because of Stone Cates.

Coleman: Stone Cates? As in Stone Cates Memorial Aids wing at the hospital?

Patrick: Exactly.

Coleman: He's not the son in question, is he?

Patrick: With all due respect, Coleman, it's a memorial wing.

0: Percent it makes sense for Patrick to be involved in the Sonny paternity secret storyline at all

1: More time I can tolerate hearing the phrase "It [isn't/wasn't] your secret to tell" on this show before my head explodes

1: Sentence Maxie spoke to prove once and for all that she is the only person in this town with any semblance of sense, and should probably be elected Mayor ASAP

Robin: You know, my feet have just been so swollen lately. Maybe I should just go barefoot.

Maxie: Please don't say things like that to me again, ok? I still have a bad heart.

2: : Adorable outfits Maxie wore this week

0: Percent likelihood that I will ever get over the brutal, unnecessary murder of Georgie

Maxie: Oh. Well, I really wish Georgie was going to be here because she would be a much more suitable choice.

Robin: Georgie would want you to do it. And if that's emotional blackmail, I really don't care. So will you please be my maid of honor?

Awww!

750-1: Odds that the Patrick/Robin wedding will be a sweet, beautiful event written by Awesome Writer and not a wacky mess

3: Number of Duh Faces exhibited by Sonny

Someone is really hoping to hold onto his title from last year!

2: Number of times I agreed with something that Effing Carly said

Carly: Oh, he's great. He's patient, and he's caring. I mean, he loves those boys. Well, I was going to say he loves those boys more than his own life, but that's not true. Michael was shot because of the choices Sonny's made -- he's continuing to make.

Carly: Kate asked to see me. She wanted me to talk Sonny out of going after Karpov. It's kind of pathetic, her lying there helpless and stupid.

*The latter is kind of bitchy and mean-spirited, but you have to give her props for being succinct, and that's exactly how Kate is these days

2: Number of times I yelled out to an empty room "I can't believe I just agreed with something that Effing Carly said"

10: Minutes I spent transfixed by Laura Wright's perfect hair

2: Times Carly referred to Kate as a phony with such disdain that I had The Catcher in the Rye flashbacks.

4: Awesome truth telling quotes from Olivia

Olivia: Stop deluding yourself, Connie. This is -- this is not about protecting you or anybody else. This is like Sonny when he was a kid. He's crazy mad, and he can justify it any way he wants, but this is about revenge. He's going to hit, and he's going to keep hitting until the other guy's got to beg for mercy.

Olivia: Yeah, well, Connie sees Sonny the way he wants to see himself. You know, that's very attractive. Why be with some girl who's going to call you on all your crap and kick your butt, when you can be with someone who's going to give you the benefit of every doubt and make up excuses for you before you even can make them up for yourself? I mean, here's the beauty part for Sonny. Connie will never admit that she's wrong, so if she says that he's good and noble, that is how she will play it, even if it kills her.

Olivia: Sonny is a violent, dangerous criminal who gets the people around him shot. You are exhibit "a" on this subject. Now he's gearing up to go after the person who shot you and commit even more violence. Now, I'm very sorry, Connie, if you are worried about him, but you will not use my child to save Sonny from himself.

Olivia: I saw the truth, Connie, which is what you could never see. Sonny was a dark, angry child who grew up to be a dark, angry man. He cared about power and money a hell of a lot more than he ever cared about love, ok? And nothing has changed. You did yourself a big, fat favor when you didn't meet him to run away with him that night, because he would have broke your heart and he would have gotten you killed. What he would not have done is gotten out of the mob for you or for Dante or for anyone else.

Kate: He did quit.

Olivia: Oh, Connie, for five minutes while he was doing deals on the side, which got you shot. Now, I'm real sorry, Connie, but you've got to face the fact that this is the man that you love. This is who he is. It's how he breathes. It's what he does. He is a gangster. I know that now, just like i knew it all those years ago when he got me pregnant. And I knew that his life will never touch my son's

4: Number of cigarettes I wanted after those scenes*. I CANNOT believe she was allowed to say these things. This can only mean that she will either (a)experience character assassination in the manner of Kate or (b)die violently

*Note: I do not smoke

Infinite: Number of times that I had to look away from Kate's insane, sycophantic delusions regarding Sonny

6: Things I wanted to throw across the room after Kate trotted out the show's favorite defense of Sonny: "Sonny is a good man". Gag me with a spoon, okay? I am so sick of that line, because...when was the last time we saw Sonny do something good? STOP TRYING TO MAKE "SONNY IS A GOOD MAN" HAPPEN, GH WRITERS. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

6: Moments I was struck dumb after this conversation between Sonny and Carly

Carly: So what if you bring the russian mob down on all of us? What if you start some big war, huh?

Sonny: That won't happen --

Carly: Really?

Sonny: Because Karpov is a loose cannon. He made a stupid choice. I'm actually doing his bosses a favor.

If I have learned anything from years of watching Law & Order, it is that the Russian mob is SCARY and that Russian mob bosses aren't going to be all "The greasy weeble killed one of our men? That is great news! We won't retaliate. Hugs for all!"

$276.5 Million Per Year: Salary I assume Tony Geary is pulling in. It's the only logical explanation for the fact that he is okay with the complete destruction of the character of Luke Spencer. It's utterly depressing to see the famous Luke Spencer become lame comic relief.

8 and Counting: Times I have shuddered at the sight of Jane Elliot's new hairdo

110: Percent effort you'd have to exert in order to make Jane Eliot look anything but stunning

5: Number of the head of the wardrobe department's pets that Jane Eliot must have killed for them to clothe her in this getup

18: Minutes that I spent laughing after seeing Edward's jaunty hat

Cutest thing I have ever seen, and the fact that Edward is online dating is similarly hilarious. But, hey, who wants to see that when we could be all Sonny, all the time, right?

75: Percent more appealing Brandon Barash becomes when Johnny acts crazy and isn't stuck moping over Lulu and their truest love to ever...true.

1: Completely hilarious closeup of the threatening note Lulu received

Lovely handwriting!

64: Number of times I rolled my eyes at Nadine just...existing

1: Number of times I rolled my eyes at the fact that Carly walked in on Nikolas and Nadine as they were about to have sex

In the General Hospital that plays in my head, I like to think that Nikolas is pulling a GOB Bluth like "I think I made a huge mistake" because he regrets giving Nadine the time of day. The GH that plays in my head is both totally awesome and a sign that I should probably go to therapy.

1: Number of times I wondered why Carly didn't turn around and leave instead of smiling that smug smile that she has

The words "complete" "lack" "of" and "shame" come to mind.

3: Number of time I stifled the urge to say "What's cooking, good looking" whenever Greg Vaughan appeared onscreen

82 to 18: This show's Shlock to Quality ratio

Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase

Comments

[Beth R.]

Mallory I stifle that comment every damn day when he's on...which sadly normaly does work out to about three times a week. Love him..love.

[natty3]

wow great post! i agree with everything you said and then some. kate needs to go, shes a freakin moron. i just cant wait for your ns2 recap, how amazing was that episode. just compare the amazing scenes b/w luke and robert at the end of the episode where i literally got chills to the crap he does on gh . its really sad what this show has become

[junie]

This entire post was hilarious. This and NS2 completely made my week because the suckitude of GH was AWFUL. All this Sonny is making me want to scream. Why are Robin and Patrick's storyline even in the same orbit?? Their story is one of the few I look forward to because there is zero mob and now they are managing to ruin that too. P.S. Maxie away from Spinelli is so much better than Maxie around Spinelli. GV=HOT.

[Val]

P.S. Maxie away from Spinelli is so much better than Maxie around Spinelli.

Quote if you're down with this statement, 'cause I sure am.

[Sarah]

"ice skating costume" .... that would explain the incredible tightness and sequins

And about agreeing w/ Carly I ask please go easy and remember the facts. She is in my opinion far more responsible for Michael's condition and the remaining danger Morgan is in still. She has chosen and repeatedly chosen for over ten years to ONLY associate herself with mobsters. GuzaIdiotJax came later in year 12. She refused Tony, AJ (the real Dad) and targeted Jason Sonny Lorenzo and then Sonny and Jason again relentlessly with half a dozen weddings thrown in. Even after the vile signing away of Sonny's rights she still hangs on Jason constantly and even faux seduces Karpov to be Jason's dreamy BFF. She throws herself into the danger by her own choices no matter how many times they all nearly die from it, she chose mob life and then puts it all off on Sonny! She is a lying hypocritical manipulative crazy bitch. Agreeing with her, great hair or not, is dangerous territory.

TRIPLE LOVE MAXIE! Especially with Robin and anyone but Spinelli. Guza is hate, I miss Georgie :-(

Kate is felony dumb! (Thanks for that expression ladies.)

GV is too sexy and should be shirtless or holding a baby or both on a loop!!!

Luke on GH as a joke is a huge slap in all our faces, poor TG.

Edward's Kangol cap made me smile amidst the tragedy of the ruination and destruction of the Q dynasty.

What I wouldn't give for a good Scrubs wedding. Sri anyone?

[Lorrie]

I tell myself I long ago stopped caring about GH or any of its characters, but then I go and watch NS and cry. I cried not because I really thought Robert would die, but for anything GH was and will never be again. Even if GH somehow found its way again, I don't think I could ever forgive the senseless murder of Georgie and countless other sins committed against the characters, actors, and viewers. It's just such a shame.

[Beth R.]

"GV is too sexy and should be shirtless or holding a baby or both on a loop!!!"

Sarah...you totally just figured out the way to save GH....I'd watch hours of that.

[Sarah]

And about the commercials referring to Sonny or even Sunny D...

Today in Chicago we were subjected to TWO airings of the GH Fall Promo that includes clips of the loathsome vile CarSon limo sex!

TWICE! And how old is that sex scene between Liason... two years? Nice promo ABC Daytime Morons!!!!!!!

[Beth R.]

well Sarah its hard to promote your romance and love in the afternoon when your show is a freaking drought of it that traces back to like 2005 at least.

[Tabby]

I got sucked back into the vortex this week, long enough to catch Kate laying there after being shot 2 times now defending sonny. ::puke::

Wouldn't it have been way cooler, if Kate woke up out of surgery and told Sonny to go to hell?

Ah, well.

And I'm totally down for Maxie without Spinelli. Lot's of folks love spinmax but I love her SO much better when she's on her own being Maxie.

Guza is probably cooking up a possible bitch fight at the metro court between Claudia, Carly, Diane, Olivia, and who ever else he fantasizes about since all women are plainly bitches, skanks, etc.

I'm poking around looking for signs of the scrubs baby/wedding.

[Mel]

You're so right on. Olivia was so awesome this week. Hope she doesn't die or worse (so hard to type this) fall for sonny. Her and Maxie rocked. You forgot the scene where she tells kate it's okay to think you can change a man if you're a teen girl, but she's a grown woman and should know better. There wasn't enough of Patrick hotly doing stuff.

[Mar]

I actually like Olivia (even if she was Guza's mouthpiece on the rank skeevy bitch line) because she's not afraid to tell the truth (not the my-baby-is-Sonny truth, but that's an INTELLIGENT choice), whether it's to Kate, Sonny or Carly. She told Carly that Carly was the type of woman men have sex with, not marry! I hope they don't assassinate her character, and if they keep her around (I like her more than say, Nadine or Leyla) I hope she gets scenes where she doesn't have to talk about Sonny!

[amiejayne]

Even more entertaining than usual! And totally on track, as usual, except that I like Nikolas and Nadine most of the time.

And I would watch 10 hours a DAY of Patrick and Coleman! Patrick is adorable and sexy and killing me with his sweetness and sensitivity lately. But I have had a thing for Coleman for forever, which vaguely disturbs me, because he is sleazy and lecherous, wears shirts made of polyester with huge collars, wears gold chains, and has facial hair, none of which I find the least bit sexy on ANYONE else! But I totally wanna get dirty with Coleman! If Coleman was a real man.... OH, BABY. It should be a total turnoff how he flirts with every female in the bar, but he has that LOOK, and the liquid-sex voice, and that body... I about lose it every time. Even Robin is not immune to his charm! More Coleman, please!

Wow... were there seriously only 8 minutes of GH this week that did not pertain to Sonny or mention him in some way? Because that's just terrifying. And a clear indicator that GH is so far gone into "The Sonny Show" that it is rapidly approaching a place from which it cannot be saved.

Jane Elliot's hair, sadly, is horrendous looking. What a shame.

Apparently Olivia rocks the truth well? I don't watch, so I didn't see/hear, but reading it sounds pretty stellar. Too bad it probably won't last, or be taken seriously by TPTB. I bet Guza chuckled as he wrote it, thinking about how Olivia was just spewing lies about the most excellent, moral, compassionate man on the show.

And I completely agree, Mallory: I roll my eyes just thinking about Nadine. That girl just annoys me. For once, I was thankful to see Carly, if only because she stopped Nadine and Nik from doing the deed on the couch. Not the couch, for the love of God! Spare us!

[SallyV]

I totally agreed with everything you said...you have a fabulous way with words! However, being a "mature" woman the same age as Jane Elliot, I thought her hair was beautiful and total age-appropriate.

[alison]

You forgot to add

232 minutes athat Sonny was yelling for no apparent reason.

It bothers me to no end that the man feels like yelling all the time is a good acting choice. I know he's better than that. i think even the actors know how bad the show is.

heck, Jane Elliot probably saw the frump of a dress they had for her and said, ehhh who the heck cares?

I agree 150% that they should develop the Coleman/Patrick show.

If they would hav ejust killed off Kate (and they still have time...she could get a staf infection or something) thenr there would be room for much better stuff like, the Q's, coleman/Patrick, anything with maxie.

Oh and if they would just lock the door on Lulu and not bring her out until...the writers stop forcing her down our throats or trying to convince us that she and johnny are destined. WE DON'T.

I don't think you looked hard enough for that shirt of Claudia's...did you try skanksrus.com? or skanyho.com? or nastyskinnybitch.com? I am sure you'll find it in many colors and sizes at one of those places....you just gotta know where to look *winks*

[horselover]

GH by the numbers. Hilarious. It's sad what they've done to the legendary character of Luke Spencer. He's become a caricature. Unfortunately, so have all the other characters on this show which is why I no longer watch it. Sad.

[Cate]

This is hysterical!! But sadly just more confirmation that I should never, ever watch this show again because bad things will happen to objects I'm sitting near.

O and I really want Maxie's purple outfit, so cute!!

[Izzi]

I totally love this blog!! I only read the GH stuff coz that's the only soap I watch, but your recaps and comments are TOTALLY awesome!

LW's hair is absolutely gorgeous! She better win for best hair this year!

Love Maxie. Lulu's s/l is so effin boring that I can't stand to watch, I just ff. LuSam are as hottt as ever!!

Keep us laughing :)

[Sarah B.]

I am going to have to bust out the "lmao" for this post because it was that funny.

I think someone needs to write a GH-write-by-the-numbers-guide for the writers to break it down in easy steps how to turn this show back into something viewers recognize as being the show we all loved at one time.

But then I have to agree with what Lorrie wrote in her comment. Such a shame indeed.

[Beth]

O: The number of minutes I spent watching GH this week. Whee!!!! :)

May I say how richer my life is for the experience, or lack thereof?

"64: Number of times I rolled my eyes at Nadine just...existing"

Bless you, Mallory. But just 64? I average that in a one minute scene with her.

Watching NS this week just made me realize how far off the rails this show has gotten. Bob Guza is of the devil.

[Amy Busby]

I had all kinds of insightful pithy comments to make but I got distracted by the final screencap of Greg Vaughan. GH is the best show ever! As long as look at that shot it's the only comment my brain can form.

[Amy Busby]

"But I have had a thing for Coleman for forever, which vaguely disturbs me, because he is sleazy and lecherous, wears shirts made of polyester with huge collars, wears gold chains, and has facial hair, none of which I find the least bit sexy on ANYONE else! But I totally wanna get dirty with Coleman! If Coleman was a real man.... OH, BABY. It should be a total turnoff how he flirts with every female in the bar, but he has that LOOK, and the liquid-sex voice, and that body... I about lose it every time. Even Robin is not immune to his charm! More Coleman, please!"

here here Mar - love Coleman and always have, remember when he was Tracy's boy toy? hysterical and sexy in a way that leaves you thinking "what was I thinking!"

love him

[Jennyp]

Happy notes for this week included Coleman, Edward's hat and smoking jacket and Tracy and Monica's bitchy quarreling. Also, Jason acting half normal with Liz was entertaining, I think we got two whole smiles out of him. So, approximately 5 minutes out of 5 hours. And has Luke even MET Jake, who he thinks is his first grandchild, yet?

[HamTown]

I totally want to see Edward set up on an internet date with Mrs. Landingham/Mrs. McClusky from Desparate Housewives. That would be intentially funny. Not that the writers know how to accomplish that lately.

[Mary]

I have been seeing a lot of the GH commercial lately. I noticed that there is not one scene with any mob violence in it. If I had never seen the show before, I would be sadly disappointed if I tuned in expecting a "Love in the Afternoon" show and got the violent, boring, repetitive drivel that they are trying to pass off as good tv.

[Tania]

Scrubs have been insanely awesome(moreso that usual) as of recent. Gives me hope for an amazing wedding and birth of the Muffin.

Whenever the hotness of GH hotties comes on screen I just stare and wonder how GH got so lucky to snag so many drool-worthy guys. Especially Jason Thompson... like what ISN'T perfect about him? In my eyes; nothing. His eyes, smile, hair, hands, torso, etc... *thud* I mean seriously even if I was blind his voice is sooooooooo *drools* I want a Jason Thompson *pouts*

Uhhh... anyway, I eagerly anticipate your NS2 recap(b/c with the exception of some annoyences I LOVED it) and Primetime Suds :D

[Mary]

I'm probably dating myself here but Coleman always reminds me of Bob Seger and that's a good thing :) Fun post as always. I'm even starting to sneak peeks of this blog at work.

[Scout]

I love Kate and I think it's a shame the way she's being written so that Olivia can be the one who knows it all. I can't believe people will be so easily manipulated by this writing that you would agree with something Carly says when a lot of it is all about the bad writing. Since when did she tolerate a female that isn't a relative? OOC writing everywhere. It's obnoxious. But not as obnoxious as people falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Guza's smarter than you think, and that's why he's still around. Because he can fool people.

[Lisbeth]

12- The number of minutes I spent watching GH this week. Only watching Robin/Patrick scenes now...NIGHTSHIFT is amazing!!!

I am just flabbergasted that Guza is bringing in MORE characters to revolve around Sonny's world.

My hat's off to you...I don't know how you all keep watching this.