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« Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column | Main | Night Shift Season Finale, Part One: In Which We Break Out The Ugly Cry »

October 21, 2008

Nothing Was Beautiful and Everything Hurt

Is it okay to wish death upon something if it is not actually a physical being? Like such as, if I were to express a wish that All My Children die a fiery, painful death, I won't go to hell or wind up on the bad side of two tons of karma, right?

Although even if I did, it would kind of be a small price to pay, because, honestly...I have my moments of being able to express my displeasure eloquently (they are rare, but they do happen). I have other times when I basically gesticulate loudly and convey anger through random punctuation and the caps lock of RAGE. And still other times, all I do is stare slack jawed at my television and wish this show dead.

Zach being the father of Bianca's child? That falls into the latter category.

Charles Pratt, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

I am going to just recap this story for a second without commentary, just to see if maybe it makes sense on its own:

Bianca, Kendall's sister, asked Zach, Kendall's husband and the brother of the man who raped Bianca and fathered her first child, to be the father of her second child. And Zach agrees. And neither of them mention it to Kendall.

Nope, it doesn't make any more sense.

WHO DOES THAT? Who writes something like that? Who even THINKS of something like that?

Bianca: When I first asked you to father my child, I didn't -- I wasn't sure you'd even consider it. And I didn't blame you. I mean, it's not like I was asking you to take in the mail or water the plants. We made a baby. And it's understandable that you would be worried about how Kendall would react.

Zach: I was more worried about how I was going to react.


Zach: Well, any child would be happy to have her, especially mine.

Bianca: Let's hope Kendall feels the same way.


No! You say something like that when you paint the kitchen without telling your housemate or whatever. "I really like the pale green walls. Let's hope James Franco feels the same way!" You don't say something when you GET PREGNANT BY YOUR SISTER'S HUSBAND BEHIND HER BACK.

Bianca: Are you angry with me?

Zach: For what?

Bianca: For not telling you that I was pregnant so that you could tell Kendall that you're the baby's biological father.

Zach: I could never be angry with you. And let's not worry about Kendall right now. It's going to be fine.


I know he means "right now" as in "you're in labor, so we can worry about this later", but STILL.

Jake: Greenlee, you're family.

Frankie: Wait, you --

Jake: You could give consent.

Frankie: You're related to kendall?

Greenlee: Uh, my father was married to her mother.

Jake: That would work.

Not related to the Zach/Bianca hellhole, but still: !!!!!!!!!!. Ex-stepsisters can give medical consent? Who knew?!

And, for good measure: !!!!!!!!!!!

I don't understand ANY PART OF THIS. I don't understand what the eff goes on in the writers room. The choices that they make are just ASTOUNDINGLY WRONG. I don't understand how this choice of Bianca's is anything but SELFISH and HORRIBLE. And I don't understand how Zach has spent the better part of this year chastising Kendall for keeping secrets from him and then goes and does this behind her back. And I don't understand why Zach held the baby up to the sky like he was mothereffing Rafiki.

But most of all, what I don't understand is why the writers can't even let me enjoy Babe's impending death without ASSING EVERYTHING UP. CAN YOU LET ME HAVE ANYTHING WITHOUT RUINING IT, AMC?!?!?!

(I will be blogging about Babe expiring on Friday. If my head does not explode before then. Which it might. Because WHAT THE HELL?)


The only words that come to mind: Double You Tee Eff


You know what is going to happen Mallory? They will make Kendall flip big time over this and she will be accused of being selfish and evil in all this mess so Zach and Bianca come out of this with clean hands. Because that worked so well with Rylee...

Yeah, I don't get this at all. Does not compute.

Bianca asking Zach to be the father of her kid makes some sense, but neither of them telling Kendall, yeah that doesn't work for even a mili-second.

I agree Mallory, with everything. I basically freaked out/flipped my lid when I first heard about this, and then to actually SEE it on my screen? Whole new level of w-t-f mate! I couldn't even get through explaining this to my soap watching friend, without filling with rage and wtf-ness. I was so wtf-ing when I first heard about this that I thought Bianca was 12 months pregnant, cause that's even rational...

Thank you for expressing everything that I am feeling about this horrendous storyline!!

LOL can I just say that when Zach held the baby to the sky I was thinking the same thing? I actually said "Dear God, put that baby down. This is not The Lion King!"

I heard rumor that Kendall comes back from her coma "a changed woman". Now whether this means she is going to be sweet and innocent and forgiving versus homicidal maniac who doesn't remember her family (two very possible soap scenarios) has yet to be figured out. All I know is I hope I'm still around to watch...but at this rate...

Where's Dixie's effin ghost when you need her?

"And I don't understand why Zach held the baby up to the sky like he was mothereffing Rafiki."

OMG, I'm not the only one who was having Lion King flashbacks! I don't even watch AMC (I have enough ABC soaps to pound my head on the desk for in GH), but I was waiting for OLTL to come on and saw that. My jaw literally dropped a little. WTF?

I wish Kendall would just go far far far far far away and even though it's always nice to
see Binx it is a shame she is stuck with this tripe.

I am a Zendall fan and always will be, but A-Freaking-Men to everything you said!!!

Pratt has managed to make his predecessors look like amateurs when it comes to writing insanely wrong and messed up stories. So. Much. Awefulness.

I repeat, I am a Zendall fan, but I envy Kendall and her coma now...sometimes I wish I could take a coma break from this show too!

This show has absolutely no connection to the real world or how people would actually talk or behave in real life, and it's not even good (or bad) enough to be campy. At least on 'Dynasty' we'd get a good catfight now and then.

And that final shot with the (impossibly clean) baby...that had to be a rib on somebody. That's the only logical explanation.

After seeing the last two days of AMC. I will be in a coma right along with Kendall until she wakes up. This show is forever ruined for me after what they have done to my Zach Slater all for this contrieved return/storytelling of two gay women.

AMC is one of the most disgusting shows right now with this horrible, horrible writing team. I thought McTavish and B&E was bad, but his dude Pratt is writing for AMC like it was the freaking "Jerry Springer Show on crack".

Eden must have really, really, really needed the money/work/exposure. Because this isn't a story. It's a clustereff.

The sad part is that Kendall will be made teh evul and St Binks will take her specially designed pursebaby and her halo and fly off to Paris, unscathed, and still saintly.

Pratt couldn't let me enjoy a little dead pig in peace. Bastid.

This story is so wrong on so many levels, so offensive and insulting and sleazy that it could have been written by Guza.

"Hey, let's have the lesbian get knocked up by her brother in law, who just happens to be the brother of her RAPIST. It's like Sonny shooting Carly in the head while she's giving birth. Except with LESBIANS!@#!@#"

I agree with every word except I do not wish mercy on Pratt's soul. He can rot in hell for all I care. He doesn't care a bit about AMC or about the fans. I love Zendall passionately and this whole thing is an abomination.

"SELFISH AND HORRIBLE"... definitely, but even more so incredibly CREEPY! Eww, icky, uchhh, wrong in every way possible!!!

And it's far past tragic when a show ruins a long awaited death!

And to me the Rafifki moment was just like GH's Campbell's soup extravaganza! It was a filthy dirty cheap promotional crossover. Soup or Disney DVD's, it's all just marketing. I mean who didn't see that craptastic scene and NOT start singing "The Circle of Life" against their better judgement??? Thus instigating your kids to start humming "Akuna Matada" once they over heard your warbling. And all that catchy music sent you to Amazon.com to but a DVD of the damn movie the Lion King. I mean Disney needs to make money some how from ABC DAYTIME!


I award you 10 points for the random 'Billy Madison' reference.

I'm not even much of a Zendall fan and I was completely incensed. Bianca, whom I usually adore, came across as a self-centered bitch who really wasn't that worried about Kendall's reaction to the baby OR Kendall's being flattened by a tornado. Way to turn the best character in PV into a selfish witch, Pratt. It's only taken you a month to decimate your first legacy character. (I'm not including the complete destruction of Zach that started with the death threat against his *brother-in-law*.) I'd give him kudos for killing off Babe but given his history on GH, I think he was less doing a public service and more indulging his bloodlust for killing off any characters he didn't create. He is such an asshat.

Amen MAL. AMC=SO FUCKING AWFUL. I can't enjoy Babe's death. Bianca's children are going to be siblings and cousins. I hate ryan, but wouldn't the father of one of Kendall's children be a better choice for next of kin than an ex-step sibling. I thought of Kunta and wanted to vomit at the parallel. There isn't one Roots is powerdul and this piece of crap of a show makes GH look like The Office.

"It's only taken you a month to decimate your first legacy character. "

Prat already did that with Jesse, who was one of AMC's leading men in the 80's and a touchstone for many viewers. I knew bringing him back would be a mistake, because I knew he would be destroyed, but never did I imagine that we'd find out he not only has a whole other family, but he was more than happy to dump that family and hurl abuse at them over the phone whenever they try to contact him.

Prat is the #1 example of why daytime is dead. It's all stunt, stunt, stunt, no reasons, no logic, nothing. He thinks all he has to do is come up with the most twisted trash he can think of.

Just what we need another baby storyline revolving around the Kane women. Seriously isn't this number 5 or 6 in four years. At least Ryan and Greenlee aren't apart of this one, of course the writers will probably find someway to fit them in. But o well at least Babe is dying, that's a happy thought if I ever heard one.

Favorite AMC tornado quote so far: Erica to Adam "Shouldn't you be digging?!", the way Susan Lucci said it and the looks on both their faces were just hysterical. These two are so my happy place in the sea of crap that is soap operas today.

Mallory, you said everything I've been thinking and feeling about this show.

Preach it loud and clear, Mallory. Pratt is destroying this show for sure.

I am only the most casual AMC watcher, but I am dumbfounded.

The most forgiving, calm, even keeled wife would flip out over the news that her husband and her sister decided to have a baby together in secret. And KENDALL is supposed to take this well? Kendall, who had 12 kinds of nervous breakdowns over the news that Ryan, a guy she was not even in love with, had another child besides Spike?


huh? I don't even watch AMC and I'm thining huh?
Didn't Kendall attempt to have a baby for Greenlee, who is her sworn enemy? Sounds like that whole debacle didn't go as planned but that tells me K. has an instint to help infertile couples. She loves Biana and has a good relationship, right? Obviously lesbian B. and her new girlfriend can't conceive the old fashioned way so why wouldn't you ASK YOUR SISTER IF YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF HER HUSBAND'S SPERM!?!?! Or I don't know, ASK YOUR BROTHER THE UNABORTED FETUS?!?!?
Being out of the loop on lesbian pregnancies I am just guessing but I think it's usually an anon. donor (hey great idea!) or a relative so there is a biological tie. How about B. has her gf's egg w/ Zach's sperm or her brother's sperm so she and the gf have a tie to the baby?
You could have had a year of story here - B. and gf come to town announce marriage from a state where it's legal - a little shilling for gay marriage, who wouldn't be on board? and then ask K. for Zach's sperm. She's for it, she's against it, he's for it, he's against it, throw E. and her 2 cents into the mix.
That could have been compelling realistic story. Something families w/ gay parents and / or infertility actually face. As opposed to secret sperm donaion to relative within suppossedly happy marriages.

what has happened to the soap world? i can name the true "soapy" storylines on one hand - from all the shows combined, and that number drops even more if you add the caveat "well written"

Makes me sad.

Hmmm...Bianca's storyline sounds like character assassination. Are we sure Guza isn't secretly writing for AMC?

I don't watch AMC anymore(and thank goodness for that). While reading your little recap, I was completely dumbfounded until you got to the Rafiki part. Then I burst out laughing and couldn't stop for a full minute.

Agreed Mallory! I am a huge Zen fan & an even bigger Zach fan & here I am scratching my head over this! It is Jerry Springer hillbilly hoedown with incestuous overtones at best! They've tried to ruin supercool Zach & it will probably decimate Zendall when nothing else could. I cannot fathom ER liking this s/l! It has made me hate Binks & I already am hating on Reese- send her back asap! In what alternate universe does Prasshat think we would want to see this? I am so disgusted over my supercool, uber-sexy Zach being used in this vile manner. This cannot possibly be a good thing. I was so hooked on Fri's great special fx & tornado stuff & then Mon comes & this was so distasteful I had to avert my eyes. Come on Pratt- you can do better than this!

pratt or guza?

pratt or guza?

there's just no win is there?

Yeah...everything everyone said so far......

Hey, Bianca..if you wanted the baby to be related to Miranda...uhmm...since YOU are the mother of both babies, THEY are ALREADY related!!!

Stupid stupid writers.

Like Zach would do that behind Kendall's back...and when did he go to Paris??

Oh Pratt, I hate your writing with a deep purple passion.....and yeah, I flashed to Kunta Kinte in Roots when Zach held that poor 7 week early naked newborn baby up to the cold stormy sky. Just brilliant.....brilliantly STUPID.

Just when I think AMC had a spark of a chance....(shaking hand to the heavens) I vow I will never get sucked into this show again!!!!! This is my reward after watching since the first day!!! ARRGHHH!!!!!!

After reading this...I have come to the conclusion that Pratt was hired for the sole reason of becoming the new most hated headwriter on ABC Daytime so that Frons and Guza can continue to sell their lies that everyone loves the direction of GH.

Double You Tee Eff indeed.

Although the RAfiki reference caused me to spit milk out of my nose.

I haven't watched AMC in quite a while, so I have to ask, what the fresh hell is going on over there?! Who thought it was a good idea for Zach to impregnate his sister-in-law behind his wife's back who is currently IN A COMA?! At this point, I don't even want to think about the incestuous overtones what with Zach's brother being Bianca's RAPIST and the FATHER OF HER FIRST CHILD!

I'm not even watching the show and I'm getting all rage-y.

Although I have to say this scenario is better than the one I had imagined before the jump. Since I haven't seen the show in months, when I read Zach was the father of Bianca's child, I assumed it was an epic retcon of Miranda's paternity and I was ready to explode with rage.

So, by comparison, this merely has me fuming.

However, to finish this post on a happier note, I will be ending my hiatus to personally experience the (real!) death of a certain baby stealing whorebag. I will not even jinx myself and mention her name. Besides, I think you all know of whom I speak.

Doesnt this smell like Fronz? The suit who gave us the Baby Swap From Hell which on paper was supposed to last YEARS before it was resolved and tie OLTL to AMC .. and look how well that worked out.

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