Serial Drama

Maybe They Were Really Pressed For Time And Left a Lot on the Cutting Room Floor?

One of the following is a REAL eulogy given for one Ms. Arabella "Babe" Carey Chandler, who is dead (DEAD!). The other is a fake eulogy. Can you tell which one is which?

Mourner: Babe made the world a better place, just by being part of it. There has literally never been another human being like her. Nobody to walk this earth before or since has done so much good for so many.

Mourner: Babe was like a ray of sunshine. Cheerful and warm, and a smile that could light up any room. She brightened a lot of my days.

For the record, the first one is fictional, but only just. I expected someone to stand up and talk about how Babe's soul is made from sugar plums and gum drops, and how she devoted all of her free time to saving limbless blind orphans in Botswana before breaking down and wondering why they didn't die instead. I mean, I knew one of the drawbacks of Babe dying (DEAD!) would be the endless parade of blissful Babe memories, but, perhaps naively, I thought that the revisionist history would at least be tempered by people alluding to the not-so great aspects of Babe's history, such as everything from October 2003 to last Thursday, when she died (DEAD!). I assume that they wrote in all of that stuff, but it just got edited out to get the episode in at an hour. Right? Because this was kind of ludicrous.

Krystal: I never knew what love was... until the first time I held Babe in my arms. And looking down at that sweet face, and that baby soft skin -- it -- it just all made sense. I was put on this earth to be her mama. And I knew in that moment that i would give my life to protect her.

"...luckily, it never came to that, but I did go to jail for our part in the plot to kidnap multiple children, falsify multiple paternity tests and ruin the lives of multiple people. The things I do for my Baby Doll!"

These People Must Be Stopped

Seriously, The CW, that's enough. Just stop. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not, under any circumstances, move forward with your plans to remake Melrose Place. I am begging you.

It's heartbreaking enough that they took Beverly Hills 90210, which was like the perfect blend of cheesy, tawdry and fantastic, and remade it into an hour a week of television more boring and more poorly acted than your average afterschool special*, but I will not sit idly by** and let them screw with the legacy of Amanda Woodward, Michael Mancini*** & Co.

*I don't know how you manage to make something involving rich bitches, drug overdoses, secret children and Lucille Bluth boring, but the new 90210 has done it

**I don't know what I will do in lieu of sitting idly by; letter writing takes a lot of effort and will only confirm Becca's belief that I am a Melrose Crazy, so maybe I will just settle for angrily blogging about my misgivings

***Why doesn't Thomas Calabro get more work? Why is Kate Hudson as famous as she is and the relentlessly entertaining Thomas Calabro only shows up in random guest spots on crappy shows? Life is so not fair

This Show Really Makes Me Inquisitive

I feel like a toddler sometimes when I watch General Hospital, and not solely because early childhood television programming shares GH's fondness for simplistic dialogue and repetition. Granted, that is a large part of it, but...have you ever spent time with a toddler who is just filled with wonder and asks all sorts of questions about what things are, why they are that way, and how they came to be? That is me during General Hospital. "But...why? How did that...what is...????"

I have either regressed to the mentality of a nursery schooler (possible), or suffered a traumatic brain injury from when I walked into a branch (more likely; hey, it was a really big branch), or nothing about General Hospital makes any sense at all (most likely).

Jane Elliot and Tony Geary have, like, 147 Emmys between the two of them and THIS is the kind of story you write for them? For Luke Spencer and Tracy Quartermaine? Really?

Really? The word "hack" doesn't do it justice.

How many scenes can Olivia possibly be in for no real reason?

I hesitate to even ask that question, because I am sure that someone on the GH writing staff would be all too willing to take that as a challenge and we'd be treated to scenes of Olivia hanging out with Edward and Monica at the Quartermaine mansion*, or chatting with Scott and Laura. I know that the writers get excited when they have a shiny new toy to play with and that they'll probably get sick of her soon, at which point she will get killed off, but come on.

*Just kidding! Edward and Monica have already exceeded their maximum airtime for the rest of the year

That'll Do, Pig. That'll Do.

This week has been pretty crappy. For starters, it's getting cold, which always makes me a little bit cranky. And then, the other day, I was taking a walk and got very engrossed in finding a particular song on my iPod (song name withheld to protect any semblance of cred I may have left) and I stopped paying attention to what I was doing and I wound up walking straight into a low-hanging tree branch. My forehead is scratched! And, okay, this is actually from last week but it is worth mentioning because it is a tragedy: Samantha Parkington is being sent to the American Girl archives. WTF, American Girl company? The girl was an orphan, she has enough going on in her life without forced early retirement! Also, she had the best clothes! And then, on top of all that, that...thing happened on AMC, happiness just...died.

I think it's pretty clear that I needed a hug. And the closest thing to a hug that I am ever going to get from All My Children is the death of one Arabella Carey, also known as "Babe", also known as "The Worst Character in Daytime as voted on by Serial Drama readers, beating Sonny Corinthos, yes THAT Sonny Corinthos, which is seriously saying something".

It may have been years overdue, it may have been the setup for months of mourning Pine Valley's walking miracle who is made of love and rainbows and it may have lost some impact since Alexa Havins's particular brand of smug isn't currently playing the role, but whatever, a victory is a victory: the vile babynapper is gone. DEAD. Off of our television screens FOREVER. Or until the writers decide to bring her back from the dead for a sweeps stunt, but let's not think like that: Babe! Gone!

Let's take a look back at how this blessed event unfolded with a recap of Thursday's episode...

In the tunnels at the Chandler mansion, Annie continues to be frantic about Emma and begs Ryan to find her. Ryan stoically tells Annie that they will bring Emma back together. (Note: one person's "stoic" is another person's "emotionless douche")

Amidst a pile of laughably fake looking wreckage, Erica regains consciousness and screams for Adam, who is at first unresponsive but who eventually grunts a greeting at her. She gleefully says, "Thank God, I thought I lost you", which...you read my mind, Er. More and more, my belief that David Canary is the proverbial bee's knees is reinforced.

In Natalia's room, Frankie expresses wonderment that Natalia is his sister and he wonders why Jesse never mentioned his other family. (Note: one person's "wonderment" is another person's "this boy can't make two facial expressions, can he?")

Bianca is holding her baby and tells Zach that they'll all be all right, when alarms sound and signal a tornado on the way. Everybody in the hospital runs for cover as the twister looms outside-Zach runs for Kendall, JR tells Babe that everything is okay and climbs into bed to hold her, Greenlee wanders the halls aimlessly, Jake operates on Kendall, Frankie and Angie cover Natalia as glass shatters everywhere, Zach tackles Greenlee to save her, and Jake snarkily says that he needs lights or else Kendall will die (Note: one person's "snarky" is another person's "jackass"). 

The special effects as the tornado hits the hospital, and the voiceovers of various people over the closeup of Kendall (whose brain is exposed throughout the chaos) are actually pretty great. I know that they were paid for with the firing of at least four beloved ABC daytime veterans, so I am loathe to give them too much credit, but still.

Night Shift Season Finale, Part Two: In Which We Cry, Some More, Again

Click here for Part One of our Finale Coverage!

Becca: Patrick is hotly bleeding!
Mallory: Carnage! Great way to start an episode. I'm not even being sarcastic...
Becca: There's typical GH carnage -- which you know will end with the mafia saving the day -- and then there's good soapy carnage. This is the latter.
Becca: Regular GH could have told these amateurs how to pay a bajillion dollars for special effects that look like fire, but these crazy kids had to use an actual flame, which probably cost them next to nothing.  You won't move up in ABC Daytime with that kind of thinking, losers! 
Becca: Oh, and Claire might be dead. And "Leo" is on fire. And Jagger the cop just saved him! A cop saved someone! In Port Charles! And he just saved Saira too! OMG, I think I'm going to need reprogramming after this show.
Mallory: Write today's date down, because you'll never see that happen again
Mallory: Jagger's serious, investigate-y face makes me giggle
Becca: Remind me to find out how I can get Finola Hughes' arms. And while we're asking for the impossible, I'd like Tristan Rogers to adopt me.
Mallory: Claire still has doctorly instincts! Who could have seen that coming?
Becca: Not me! Because I have never seen TV, especially Grey's Anatomy -- with that doctor who looks and acts exactly the same as Claire -- before. Izzy had this exact storyline. It's uncanny.
Mallory: It's a crazy coincidence, I tell you.
Becca: Patrick is hotly disarming a bomb!
Mallory: Is there nothing Patrick can't do? Besides be a competent Chief of Staff, I mean
Becca: I've yet to see him be hotly fraternal, I must say. What has happened with that storyline?
Mallory: The writers got distracted by a piece of tinsel, is what happened
Becca: Well, at least their consistency is....consistent.  Anyway, back to Night Shift. On which Saira might be dead. I still don't think I care. Is that wrong?
Mallory: Not even a little. The way that she flatlined just before the commercial? Awesome. Which is a bitchy thing to say, but whatever! I mean it was awesome from a pure entertainment standpoint.

Mallory: How cute is Robin giving her dad good news?!
Becca: Oh thank god, I really think they're not going to kill off Robert Scorpio. I never should have doubted the writers. Well, I never should have doubted THESE writers. Soap writers in general....
Mallory: It's a legitimate response, you know? We've been burned before so badly
Becca: Don't say "burned." You know Guza will burn Patrick's face off, or something
Mallory: And then give him a face transplant that also gives him a new nationality. You're right, forget I said anything.

Night Shift Season Finale, Part One: In Which We Break Out The Ugly Cry

It's pretty amazing that this genius episode, what with its legacy characters, romance, drama and soapiness, is on SOAPNet, the same channel that buys rights to Steve Guttenberg comedies and thinks "soap opera" is a dirty word.  But somehow this episode, and this whole season of Night Shift for that matter, slipped past the "no good quality soaps in my house" SOAPNet goalie.  And we're so happy we could cry.  Well, we're crying anyway, truth be told.  Robert Scorpio fighting for his life!  Robert and Anna reuniting!  Robin saying goodbye to Robert just in case!  Robert's coma-dream filled with awesome veteran characters and actors!  Antonio Saboto Jr. shirtless, one last time!  Sob.

Becca: OMG, the beginning of my TiVo recording is a Red Sox/Rays game from last week. I'm crying already and this is before I see Robert Scorpio on his possible death bed.
Mallory: Ouch, your TiVo is baiting you
Becca: I know.  Like a few weeks ago when it randomly recorded a Jeff Foxworthy comedy special. And now this.  We might have to break up.  Anyway, on with the show!
Becca:  Patrick being chief of staff will never stop being hilarious.
Mallory: Speaking of hilarity: I love when Antonio Sabato Jr. tries to act like a professional law enforcement agent. There are big words and stuff!

Becca: You can tell he's really concentrating!
Mallory: Claire is resigning? That's...nope, I don't care. At all.
Becca: Is Claire resigning because she's going to make oodles of money as a doctor yet will always buy ugly handbags, and she figures she may as well just throw in the towel now?

Mallory: What can you expect from someone who became a doctor to avoid an art history major ex boyfriend? The hospital is way better off without a doctor on staff with her poor judgment. One Dr. Lee is enough, you know?
Becca:  Aw, Dr. Lee.  We went a whole season without hearing about the adventures of her vajayjay.  How did we cope?

Becca: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! The first Robert/Robin scene! The old theme song!

Mallory: OH EM GEE. I have no words. Which is seriously rare.
Becca: Anna as Dolly Domestic with a 30-year old Robin holding an actual dolly is pretty much soapy perfection.
Mallory: Oh, my gosh, Anna bitching about quiche is so great. That's not a sentence you say every day...

Mallory: I heart Chad Allen. Not just because he makes Kyle tolerable. Well, mostly because of that

Becca: For me it's that, and for reminding me of Our House. Man, remember when Deidre Hall was tolerable? Hey, maybe that's Chad Allen's secret superpower!
Mallory: I...have no memory of Deidre Hall ever being tolerable
Becca: That is because you are practically a fetus.

Nothing Was Beautiful and Everything Hurt

Is it okay to wish death upon something if it is not actually a physical being? Like such as, if I were to express a wish that All My Children die a fiery, painful death, I won't go to hell or wind up on the bad side of two tons of karma, right?

Although even if I did, it would kind of be a small price to pay, because, honestly...I have my moments of being able to express my displeasure eloquently (they are rare, but they do happen). I have other times when I basically gesticulate loudly and convey anger through random punctuation and the caps lock of RAGE. And still other times, all I do is stare slack jawed at my television and wish this show dead.

Zach being the father of Bianca's child? That falls into the latter category.

Charles Pratt, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In the October 14th issue of Soap Opera Digest, we turned our attention to the happenings in Genoa City and Port Charles. After the jump, Mallory expresses hope that the powers-that-be at The Young and the Restless are trying their best to move the show in the direction of "good", while Becca vents about the special brand of stupid that is General Hospital.

In Which We Prepare For The End of Night Shift

The second part of the Night Shift finale is on tomorrow night and we are totally disappointed that this season is ending. Who would have thought that, a year after that...thing happened (and wow, it's even worse than we had remembered. And we remembered it being pretty bad. But ______Barrett! And the shootout in the middle of the ER! And Robin's dead/evil twin! That was atomically bad), we'd be so addicted to the second season? It just goes to show you what good writing, good acting and no Guza will do for a show.

This season, we'll be continuing our tradition of tag teaming the finale, and this time around, we're going to cover both parts in one epic recap.

Until then, tell us what you think about Night Shift ending. Are you sad? Are you over it more than Billy Dee Williams is?

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

General Hospital: By The Numbers

4: Number of days General Hospital has been on thus far this week

60: Minutes of each episode of General Hospital, counting commercials

240: Minutes of General Hospital on this week, total, counting commercials

232: Minutes of General Hospital on this week in which Sonny was on-screen or mentioned

1: Non-General Hospital related commercials that managed to subtly refer to Sonny

*Okay, SunnyD mentions "Sunny", not "Sonny", but it's close enough and the advertisement comes on often enough that I think there must be a sinister link somewhere

Endless: Amount that I am disturbed by the commercials Alan Thicke does for timeshares in Las Vegas. That may have nothing to do with GH, but I felt it needed to be said anyway. Why, Jason Seaver, why?

232: Minutes during General Hospital that I spent bored

3: Times I painted my nails during General Hospital this week

17: Times I spent aimlessly writing my name to help deal with my boredom

2: Scenes in which Claudia Zacchara was inserted for no real purpose

*Completely random involvement in the Max/Milo/Maximus shenanigans, and I use the word "shenanigans" loosely because that implies some sort of joyfulness and fun, and not stupidity

*Sparring with Olivia, a scene that I assume was written to fulfill the "If we have to have two women in a scene together, they need to talk about Sonny and also call each other bitch and/or whore. Bonus points if they do both" demands of Bob Guza

38: Approximate amount of times this week that Claudia was referred to as a whore or a bitch, or, and I quote, "A rank, skeevy bitch"

24: Minutes I spent searching for a store that sells the kind of..."shirt" Claudia wore just to see how much that concentrated ugly retails for

0: Stores I found that sell that kind of shirt. Not even Frederick's of Hollywood! I think it might be part of a figure skating costume...

1: Completely hilarious Jason Thompson reaction shot to the Claudia/Olivia throwdown