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« These People Must Be Stopped | Main | "To Have and To Hold, From This Day Forward, On Awesome Shows and Bad Shows..." »

October 30, 2008

Maybe They Were Really Pressed For Time And Left a Lot on the Cutting Room Floor?

One of the following is a REAL eulogy given for one Ms. Arabella "Babe" Carey Chandler, who is dead (DEAD!). The other is a fake eulogy. Can you tell which one is which?

Mourner: Babe made the world a better place, just by being part of it. There has literally never been another human being like her. Nobody to walk this earth before or since has done so much good for so many.

Mourner: Babe was like a ray of sunshine. Cheerful and warm, and a smile that could light up any room. She brightened a lot of my days.


For the record, the first one is fictional, but only just. I expected someone to stand up and talk about how Babe's soul is made from sugar plums and gum drops, and how she devoted all of her free time to saving limbless blind orphans in Botswana before breaking down and wondering why they didn't die instead. I mean, I knew one of the drawbacks of Babe dying (DEAD!) would be the endless parade of blissful Babe memories, but, perhaps naively, I thought that the revisionist history would at least be tempered by people alluding to the not-so great aspects of Babe's history, such as everything from October 2003 to last Thursday, when she died (DEAD!). I assume that they wrote in all of that stuff, but it just got edited out to get the episode in at an hour. Right? Because this was kind of ludicrous.

Krystal: I never knew what love was... until the first time I held Babe in my arms. And looking down at that sweet face, and that baby soft skin -- it -- it just all made sense. I was put on this earth to be her mama. And I knew in that moment that i would give my life to protect her.

"...luckily, it never came to that, but I did go to jail for our part in the plot to kidnap multiple children, falsify multiple paternity tests and ruin the lives of multiple people. The things I do for my Baby Doll!"

J.R.: When I first met Babe, I knew she was going to be the woman that I'd marry. When we said our vows, I became a husband.

"...little did I know that she already had a husband! Crazy. And then she boned my brother right away. That's just how Babe was. Willing to drop trou for anybody with a pulse. So loving, she was"

J.R.:  And when Little A was born, I became a father.

"...well, at first I didn't know Little A existed, I thought that I had a daughter named Bess. Because Babe stole Miranda Montgomery and pretended she was our daughter for almost a year. And then, just for kicks, she ran away with my brother and told me Little A was dead. But, long story short, we eventually got the truth straightened out and then I became a father."

J.R.: Just one thing I've tried to get right... is how to be a better man...

"...through experience, I learned that 'being a better man' did not include attempting to murder her. But hey, you know, you don't learn things until you try them, right?"

J.R.: ...the kind of man that deserved Babe's love.

"Granted, Babe gave her love to any man that had working parts, but that's just how she is! All full of love, and happiness".

J.R.:  Babe, you were more than just the mother of my child. You were the love of my life...

"...my life pretty much blows. Have you ever heard a sorrier sentence than that one? My mom was killed by fucking pancakes and this tramp was my one true love. I am the living embodiment of the phrase Poor Little Rich Boy"

J.R.:...the woman of my dreams...

"Technically nightmares, but it's a funeral, so I am going to just be diplomatic and say 'dreams'. Because 'nightmares' are a kind of dream, right? I'm not technically lying."

Krystal: It's amazing how many lives she touched...

"...with her vagina."


OMG! I'm dying with laughter over here! And I don't even watch AMC!

It's like your reading my mind...spooky.

This was probably my favorite line of the day: "Krystal: It's amazing how many lives she touched..."
All I could think about is that there about eleven people mourning her 4 of which knew her for all of five minutes, 1 hates her guts and will probably do a jig on her grave, 3 spent more than half the time they knew her hating her guts with good reason, 1 is her stepfather and her husband's former stepfather (can anyone say obligation?), 1 was her friend whose mother left Babe to die in a freezer so she could steal her son (ain't karma a bitch), then of course there's her mother and son who kind of had to love her, and lastly there's a man with a mental handicap who sees the good in pretty much everyone. O yeah and Jackson was there, I have absolutely no idea why.

Ding dong, the witch is DEAD. Which ol' witch? Babe the witch! DEAD!!!

Yeah, why was Jackson there? Is he one of those people who just really likes to hit the funeral circuit? Hoping Erica might be there on Adam's arm so he could do some inappropriate relationship crap at the funeral? Needed to support Bianca through losing her closest friend/kidnapper of her daughter? (It's tough losing the best friend who ever kidnapped your child, you know.)
I wanted to see Bianca eulogize her "oh the fun we had when she was pretending my child was hers and we were plotting to keep her away from JR, oh, sorry JR, didn't mean to bring up old stuff..."

"It's amazing how many lives she touched... with her vagina."

I fully intend to steal this line and use it to insult anyone who dares to cross me... well, anyone with a vagina.

All I can say is BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was freaking hilarious.

Mallory, when I pass on someday I would like you to write my eulogy. Fuck gumdrops and unicorns, I am a bitch who prefers the truth.

Great job!

Reading this post made we wonder, does anyone in real life forgive so much so easily as they do on soaps? I mean, if I cut some one off on the street by accident I get the finger and a honk, and I assume that person blames me for the whole shitty day they are having. Right? "That fat bitch in the SUV ruined my whole damn day with her crap driving!" But on AMC kidnapping, lying, and murder are forgiven completely and nearly totally forgotten? If I interrupt my sister she doesn't call me for a month. If I steal her kid will she bake me a cake and buy me a pair of Loubutin's?

Just curious. Maybe I should be a whole lot more evil?

I don't watch AMC either, but I used to, so I'm familiar with the characters and therefore like to read these blogs (besides the fact that they're hella entertaining because of Mallory & Becca's brilliance). I like to see if raging suckitude continues to be consistent on other ABC soaps, and I'm never wrong. I'm reading this thinking it sounds just like the crapfest GH brings us. Holy delusional history-rewriting, Batman! Coincidence? I think not. Thank you Brian Frons for....nothin'.

My mom was killed by fucking pancakes...

Wow. Just wow. The stuff I miss by not watching this show.

Wait a second...if this skank is dead, does she still qualify for Worst Character In Daytime? Or is there no technicality about them having to be alive? Perhaps we should hold a new election for that...this being election season and all. I vote for either Sonny or Jason.

That last line is priceless, by the way. Your eulogy didn't make me want to reach through my screen and slap someone upside the head.

Once again a hilarious commentary. That last line was the icing on the cake.

My memory is that Babe didn't steal Miranda, her ex-husband Paul did. He stole Little A for his sister Kelly on OLTL, and convinced Babe that she had had a girl and that Bianca's baby had died.

BUT, when Babe figured out Little A was still alive, she still didn't bother to give Miranda back until after she had kidnapped her own kid from his adoptive parents and run off with Jamie. So yeah, with a best friend like her you don't need enemies.

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