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« Serial Drama Second Anniversary Celebration: Most Commented-On Posts | Main | Yeah, "Eden" Is Not the Word I Am Thinking Of »

October 02, 2008

My Soaps are Even Making Me Hate TiVo. TiVo! Oh, the Humanity.

TiVo/TiFaux show descriptions have been a near-constant source of amusement to me over the years. "Extreme Home Makeover:  A family's run-down home is replaced with an energy-efficient mansion."  Hey, I've seen that one!  (It's like describing a Three's Company episode as the one in which, to quote Chandler Bing, "there's some kind of misunderstanding!")  But now, embittered soap viewer that I am, I have grown to hate these TiVo summaries. 

General Hospital:

Gloria Monty's class soap deals with the love and intrigue surrounding the Quartermaine family in the fictional upstate New York town of Port Charles.

Is TiVo trying to send me on a crying jag?!  Even the mental image of Gloria Monty's ghost whispering mean things in Bob Guza's ear cannot pull me out of the spiraling depression into which this formerly accurate description sends me. 

So as long as I'm wallowing, here's the one for Days of Our Lives:

Life in the Midwestern town of Salem involves elements of romance, adventure, mystery comedy and drama.

Unless "elements of" means "the occasional glimpse of -- if we're lucky in a good month and we are awake enough to observe them despite the apparent attempt by showrunners to bore us into a coma --" then . . . no. 


I always liked the one posted for As the World Turns on one of my former cable providers. "The randy residents of Oakdale fire up this hour of small-town scandals and big-league betrayals, especially among the Hughes and Snyder families."

My cable guide description of GH claims the show is centered around a hospital...A shocking claim! What's next? It will inform me that there are actual doctors and nurses on this show as well?

OMG! *sobs* That GH description is at least a decade out of date at this point. I don't even want to think of what it would read if it accurately described Guza's show. I'm thinking of leading a protest in which none of us call it GH.

Sam, that is awesome. Those randy residents.

Beth R., before I [thankfully] gave Comcast the boot, I got that one every day too. It also listed the cast as Rachel Ames, Ted King, and some other talented person that GH had shitcanned....and Maurice Benard.

At least it doesn't mention Claire Labine, because then actual wailing might be necessary...

I love that idea. How about General Mobsters? General Gangsters? Gangsters with Hearts of Gold? A Hitman's Story? Is hitman a compound word or is it; A Hit Man's Story? Or maybe we could just call it Mob Adjacent...

Man, those TiVo folks haven't watched GH in a while, have they? I can see the description guy going, "Oh yeah, I remember that show in the eighties! It RULED! I probably should watch the show right now and get an up-to-date idea, but I'm SURE the Quartermaines, awesome as they were, are still the cornerstone of this show! Now where's my Pet Rock?"

Of course, the alternative description is "Follow the wacky adventures of the midget greaseball mobster and his robot sidekick and the women stupid enough to find them ever-so-dreamy," so I guess I can live with the Q reference.

Actually, I get quite amused at the little interstitial SoapNet has right after OLTL ends, where they talk about how doctors fix up people, and mobsters protect their families, or something like that. I'd scream with laughter if vomit wasn't rising to my throat every time I hear it.

Just call it "The Sonny & Jason Show- All Mobsters All the Time".....title and description all in one tidy sentence.

New names for GH


Mob Kingpins and their ho's

We wish we were the Sopranos

Da Godfathers JaSonny

We are Sonnyson

All shooting all the time

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