Serial Drama

Boringly Repetitive, Repetitively Boring, Awfully Boring, Boringly Awful...and a Pretty Haircut

I know I haven't blogged about Days in forever.  I always have good intentions to do so, and I've started posts a million times, but then I'm just overcome with the suspicion that the only thing more boring and un-fun than this show would be me blogging about how boring and un-fun it is.  So I decide to do more productive things with my time, like work, clean my house, organize my photographs by year, backup my hard drive, and perfect the ultimate vodka lemonade recipe (hint: the right balance between club soda and lemonade, and use of Belvedere Cytrus, is key). 

But alas, since I only blog about two shows, I have to get past my laziness and just put it all out there for you Days people, even if it's totally uninteresting. Or, I am drunk on vodka lemonades and can't think of anything else less active to do.  Let's see which one it is!

Things That Are No More Interesting the Second Time Around:

1.  Sami stressing about being pregnant by EJ DiMera.  I guess it's nice for Allison Sweeney that she doesn't have to hide behind shopping bags and giant plants, but Sami being pregnant, let alone by EJ, is he least interesting thing she's done since . . . Austin.

2.  Sami yelling at the men she either was, is, or will be in a romantic relationship with.  (Note:  This accounts for 95% of Sami's behavior.)

3.  Sami being in a witness protection program safe house.  Seriously, this just happened.  It was dumb then too.

4.  Chelsea being upset that a female relative of hers slept with her boyfriend.  At this point she should just start keeping a close eye on Ciara (who is likely to be 18 by the spring).

5.  Daniel being hot for a possibly-terminally-ill woman.  (Was it just me, or did he start lusting after Chloe the instant he found out she was a cancer survivor?  While his current patient/savior-complex-victim Kate was in a hospital bed in the next room?)  To put it in language that Daniel would understand, this dude still skeeves me like whoa.

 

P.S.  Yeah, there's the kind of triangle that's going to save your show, powers-that-be.  Quite the soapy visionaries you are!

6.  Insta-love "romantic" pacing.  Nick and Chelsea, Chelsea and Daniel, Daniel and Kate, EJ and Nicole, Chloe and Lucas, Max and Stephanie, Phillip and Morgan, the list goes on.  This show has lost the ability to do a good soapy build-up, something it used to be known for.  I do not care about couples who break up when they weren't even together two months ago.  Why is this complicated?

7.  Chelsea and Max.  Just stop it.

Things That Are Awful, Awfully Boring, or Both:
(note: repetitive items above also belong in this category but the key
to a decent ranty blog post is not letting your lists get too long)

1.  Nick is a sociopath.  So since we last touched base, Nick became a drug addict, a murderer, and a sadistic mindfuck artist.

 

 

Okay, sure!  This makes perfect sense.  Also not ridiculous is how everyone is acting like Nick killed Willow in cold blood and then skulked about town like a crazy person, looking for his next victim.  And how Stephanie and Chelsea are blaming Melanie for Nick's downward spiral, even though according to those characters and the ones standing right next to them, this now-obvious-to-everyone descent into madness began when she was still just the drunkest girl at her French boarding school.  IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 

Resistance is futile.

Happy Holiday Shopping!

We know what you're thinking; there are so many deserving people in your life to whom you'd like to give meaningful gifts during this holiday season.  Perhaps a cashmere throw for Dena Higley, to keep her warm since the knowledge that she can write a decent soap opera cannot?  The complete Sopranos series for Bob Guza?  Wait, that's stupid; he obviously has it and watches it nightly.  Perhaps a copy of the DSM-IV?  Many of the entries apply!  Maybe a special edition game of Clue for the ABC Daytime executives? 

If you do decide to give these or other gifts (maybe you have actual, personal, non-soap-opera-related relationships that you like to honor at this time of year -- crazier things have happened!), please consider clicking through our Amazon links that are always on the left of our blog (and that appear below in this post).  We really appreciate the help!

Click here for Black Friday specials!

Or click here for all your holiday shopping throughout the season:

We're truly thankful to have such loyal readers.  Happy start to the holiday season!

I Choose SOAPNet Marathons

It's rare that I am ever thankful for anything SOAPNet related, unless one counts the new and creative swearing that I get to do when confronted with one of their typically boneheaded programming moves, but this year I have two reasons to be grateful. The first, of course, is the fantastic second season of General Hospital: Night Shift and the other? Today's epic "Kelly's Leftovers" marathon of Beverly Hills 90210.

If you are not going to brave the Black Friday crowds, spend 10 hours with 90210's spoiled, daddy issue laden, boyfriend-stealing, drug-addicted, diet pill popping, rape victim, cult member, burn victim, shooting victim, stalking victim, temporary amnesiac, rapist shooting self-chooser!  The marathon starts at 11 AM with the Spring Dance episode and ends with the series finale at 8 PM and is guaranteed to be entertaining, sometimes even on purpose!

Reese's Pieces of Wisdom

So, Reese is pretty great, right? With all of the great things that she does, greatly. Great stuff. Or so I've heard.

In addition to being the greatest great person to ever do great things, Reese is living in a fantasy world and also a complete moron.

Bianca: You know, I don't -- I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just everything. I mean, I do have how many of the top 10 causes of stress in my life right now? Moving, new baby, planning a wedding, loved one in the hospital.

Reese: Yeah, that loved one in the hospital you have been feeling guilty about for a little over nine months. Come on, I saw how many times you tried to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about the baby.

Bianca: I should have called. I should have told her.

Reese: Yeah, and you will still have your chance. You will. Ok? And when you tell her and everything's said and done, she's going to be hugging you and her brand-new little niece.

Bianca: You don't know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.

"Yes, your sister will wake up from her coma and find out that her husband gave you his sperm behind her back and she won't be mad at all! She'll be thrilled! She'll probably even throw us a party! It will be a fantastic party, too! We can invite Francisco! Remember Francisco, the talking unicorn who lived next door to me? He HAS to be there! And maybe he can bring his best friend Clarissa the Imaginary Cat!  She can be the DJ! She is an awesome DJ, a skill made even more impressive by the fact that she has no opposable thumbs. Oh, what a joyous day that will be! I hope she wakes up soon so that she can start planning this party!"

Primetime Suds: Sob!

Noooooo!  Dirty Sexy Money has been canceled!  This is a tragedy of epic proportions!

One Tree Hill and the new 90210 and 17 CSI shows are still on the air, but I am deprived of my fabulous 80s-style soap about gorgeous rich people in Manhattan?  There is no reason to go on living. 

Obviously, I'm keeping this in perspective.  You?

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I know that it's sophomoric and lazy to base a majority of my All My Children related commentary on the fact that Babe was (was! Because she's DEAD!) a whore. I know! I'm better than that.

But the writers make it so easy for me!

J.R.: When you have Babe in your heart, you can't handle it. It handles you.

How can you POSSIBLY interpret that statement as anything other than an STD and/or Satanic possession allusion? You CAN'T.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

After the jump, our column that appeared in the November 11th issue of Soap Opera Digest. This month, Mallory asks "Where is the love?" on All My Children and General Hospital, and gets that terrible Black Eyed Peas song stuck in her head, while Becca looks for an excuse to go back to summer camp to get out of watching the slow and repetitive and slow and repetitive Days of Our Lives and General Hospital.

8 Simple Rules For Writing A Horrible Soap Opera Episode

Today's episode of General Hospital was pretty much a master class in how to produce an EPICALLY AWFUL hour of television. Bob Guza rarely exerts effort at anything but when he puts his mind to something, he does it full throttle, Charlie's Angels 2 style. Why he decides to put effort into crafting an episode of television that was really and truly and pretty much LITERALLY painful to watch in that I think it actually gave me an ulcer is a mystery for the ages.

But I am a conscientious pupil, one who pays diligent attention to any lesson, no matter how ludicrous, so I decided to pay attention to Guza's tutorial. After all, television has taught me lessons in the past: watching sitcoms in the 80s taught me many important things that I carry with me to this day, such as not hiding in abandoned refrigerators during games of hide and seek. Perhaps one day I, too, will feel the need to create a television show that has no real entertainment value and is produced for the sole purpose of driving the audience insane with a potent combination of rage and grief. Who knows?!

1. Have formerly level-headed characters go out of their minds

So...Diane. I have a complicated history with this character. For a supposed fashion buff, she's usually dressed like an extra from L.A. Law. A blind extra. But she and Alexis are so hilarious together! But she enables Sonny and Jason. But she also calls them out more often than anybody else on canvas does! But then she and Max take up a lot of airtime that could go to a number of other characters. But Carolyn Hennessy has such stellar delivery! I am often torn about her.

Today, I was not torn. Today was all about the pure, unadulterated hatred.

Diane: Oh, good. Oh, you finally [!!!--Ed.]decided to haul his gold-plated Aussie ass to the cleaners. Well, I'm right behind you.

Diane: You should thank your lucky stars that this woman is even willing to speak to you [!!!--Ed.], much less want to stay married to you. You have been a disastrous husband in every way [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!--Ed.]. And I can prove it.

Diane: You've pretty much done nothing but walk into and out of this marriage pretty much from the start. My client is a saint [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!--Ed.] for wanting to contest this divorce, whereas any other woman in her right mind would be hauling your butt to the cleaners.

I mean...for fucking real, show? SERIOUSLY? A SAINT?! Really. The way I see it, which is perhaps not the way the majority of GH watchers see it, is that if Jax were to come down with a case of violent thugism that so many on this show suffer from and decided to just kick Carly square in the head, I would rejoice. ESPECIALLY if she made this face at him one more time.

Why does Laura Wright do that? It is obnoxious on its own, let alone coupled with Carly's shrieking harridan shtick. Then I think it's a crime against humanity.

These tragic scenes did give me one of the episode's biggest, albeit unintentional, laughs:

Kate: Jasper Jacks really doesn't settle for second best.

Oh, Kate. What show are you watching?

Gasp! Moan! Oh My!

Most of you have probably seen this by now, but just in case, there is big [un-]casting news on Days of Our Lives, according to Soap Opera Digest:

Huge DAYS Casting News!
It's hard to believe, but it's true: Superstars Deidre Hall (Marlena) and Drake Hogestyn (John) are the first two casualties of DAYS's massive budget cuts. In an exclusive interview with Soap Opera Digest, Executive Producer Ken Corday says, "The couple will be happily reunited after a long period of angst and separation and will be off-screen after January for an unknown period of time. It was a very tough decision to make." To see what else the exec has to say about the popular duo — and the show’s recent pickup by NBC — be sure to pick up the next issue of Digest.

I must admit, this doesn't upset me.  I liked them in the 80s and 90s (yes, even together -- I have not always been a hater), but Marlena in particular hasn't been an interesting character in about a decade.  I've liked the latest incarnation of John Black a lot, but if these two bring in huge salaries and had to be cut to give the show one last shot at continuing, it's fine by me.

In case you're a little weepy over this news, let's remember how annoying Marlena and John have been together over the last couple of years, shall we?  And while we're at it, I guess we can humor your nostalgia by remembering some of the better times.  (Which pretty much involve John dying or behaving like a totally different person.)

• Oh god, remember the coma months of early 2007?  "Gag me with a spoon" still seems to sum them up well.
• The brain-scarring "oooh, mama!" incident -- in words, then video -- brought on multiple guffudders.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!
• Aloha!
  
• Remember when John went splat on a car, and I still couldn't be nice about Marlena?  Oh my!  And then I stupidly thought they actually did kill John off?  Gasp!  But they totally didn't?  Moan!
• I was bummed about the resurrection and the absurd daily focus on Marlena (Moan!), but then, well, The Door Incident happened, and I was nothing but gleeful.  Gasp!  Oh my!
• I even found one of their sex scenes entertaining ("Brace yourself!"), and ultimately it was that kind of romance that made me fall madly in love with the new John Black.  Gasp!  Oh my!

Okay, maybe I'll miss them a little bit.  Their departure will significantly decrease Days' mocking opportunities.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!

This Show Is On At Lunch Time! Show Some Consideration, Producers!

I am on a mission for a dress (one may think this would be a simple mission to complete, and a fun one at that, but one would be wrong! Dresses are notoriously difficult for me to find, on account of the"being nine feet tall" thing that I struggle with) and I have taken to asking friends, family and random passersby for advice.

So, the other day, I was asking someone for guidance and referred to the object of my search as a party dress. Big mistake! While that description is apt, the phrase invariably gets the line, "Oh my my, oh hell yes, you've got to put on that party dress" from "Mary Jane's Last Dance" in my head, which made me get the whole song in my head, which made me think of that song's disturbing video, which I then got confused with the OTHER disturbing Tom Petty video for "Don't Come Around Here No More", and then I spent an embarrassing amount of time all freaked out about dead Kim Basinger and Alice in Wonderland cake.

Until I saw something EVEN MORE DISTURBING.

And suddenly creepy Tom Petty videos didn't seem so bad. Congratulations, Y&R! You managed to out-gross necrophilia and cannibalism. You should be proud.