In Which I See Red. Crimson Red, To Be Specific

The United States is mired in an economic crisis and ABC Daytime is feeling the pinch: the previews for the next day's episodes are long gone and even Susan Lucci herself has agreed to take a paycut! Threat Level Midnight, indeed.

So it is in the interest of being a good person that I offer the following suggestion to help ABC out: instead of going to the trouble of filming five episodes of General Hospital a week, why not just call up every audience member and tell them that you hate them, have zero respect for their intelligence and make a joke about their mom? Since approximately two dozen people are still watching GH these days, it won't take you too long, and it would be way more cost effective than producing the show. You're welcome!

Today's episode, obviously, made me cranky. And I don't know if it's the bitter cold or the fact that Starbucks got rid of the gingerbread latte in favor of the far inferior gingersnap latte (there are pieces of ginger in it! It is gross!) or a lack of sleep, but it made me more even cranky than it usually makes me. I was mere minutes away from going full-on Corinthos and chucking a brandy decanter at the wall.

To call Carly's plot to humiliate Kate by showing up to the Crimson party in the same gown dumb would be an insult to all sorts of dumb things. Why would the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine not get a custom made dress? Does Anna Wintour shop for her clothes at Nordstrom where any lunatic hotel owner off the street could buy the same one? I think not.

The most glaring dumb thing, of course, is that we watched a GROWN WOMAN engage in silly shenanigans to embarrass her rival in public. Bob Guza doesn't have an original bone in his body, so I have to assume that he was ripping off Mean Girls and didn't realize that when GROWN WOMEN do such ridiculous things that they don't come across as just bitchy, but actually unhinged.

This is the heroine of our show, everyone! You know how I know she's the heroine of the show? Because pretty much every single human being onscreen today threw themselves at her feet to worship her.

Gwyneth: It's been quite a year for you, hasn't it? As I understand it, you've been shot twice and still not married. But don't worry. You're among friends, and the dress looks almost as spectacular on you as it does on Carly.

Warren: Carly, what a lovely party. You are a wonderful hostess, whether it's a backyard barbecue or a last-minute cocktail party.

Lulu: I wanted Carly to beat Kate. After everything she's been through, she deserves a win.

This show hurts my feelings.

Kate didn't exactly cover herself with glory, either, what with sneering about Carly's divorce and going out in public with her hair looking like that But nobody (Carly excepted!) is perfect.

poll by twiigs.com

It's impossible to watch anything Kate-related these days without being overcome with sympathy for Megan Ward. How much do the writers obviously not give a damn about Kate? The speed with which they throw characters aside for their brand new toy is nothing new, but this actually makes me uncomfortable! Every character hates and insults her, she gets shown up by Carly, of all people, and her role on the show is rapidly being usurped by Olivia, who, it must be said, is wretched. Not wretched enough that I liked watching her get stabbed

but wretched enough that I didn't feel compelled to write one of the borderline hysterical "Violence is never the answer! Someone think of the children!" entries that I usually write after an instance of mob violence.

Lisa LoCicero has a hilarious interview in the December 9th issue of Soap Opera Digest where she makes fun of her "slutty-looking" face, and she seems like a lot of fun, but OH MY GOD I HATE OLIVIA.

Olivia: It is amusing. Connie, you are amusing. I mean, if my brother -- excuse me, your cousins would have been here, they would be rolling on the floor laughing watching you work this room, working these people, walking around like you're all smart and powerful. Honey, you don't even know your enemies from your friends. I guess that's why you have to have a party for yourself in the first place.

Wasn't she the one who called Claudia a rank bitch a few short weeks ago? There is a huge pot, kettle, black situation going on here.

Olivia: You set yourself up for it when you slept with Carly's husband. You can't think she wasn't going to retaliate.

Who the hell takes Carly's side over their own family?! No one. Even Bobbie would root against Carly, just on principle.

And then after she got stabbed, she refused to go to the hospital because her son calls her all the time and would want to visit her.

Olivia: Listen to me. My son is already calling me 20 times a day on the phone. He gets another call, I'm in the hospital, he is going to rally the troops, and we're going to have the whole Falconeri family swarming General Hospital. Believe me, it's not something you want.

1. No, that is not something I want, because introducing the Falconeri family would mean massive firings to make room for them on canvas, which means that, like, Monica and Lucky would be gone.

2. Isn't Dante, like, twenty years old (and even that estimate is being kinder to Maurice Benard than he actually deserves)? Why is he calling his mother incessantly? This is laying the groundwork for either a Very Special Storyline or a takeoff of the creepy family sketch from Paul Rudd's episode of Saturday Night Live...

Today's episode was also notable for Jake's big rescue.

It's so typical of this show that he was kidnapped right at Thanksgiving. They sure do love violent crime at the holidays, don't they? Emily's funeral was last Thanksgiving, Georgie was killed at Christmas time...at least this kidnapping happened off camera [Comment about relief at not having to see the kidnapping in great detail with Cam being, like, pistol whipped redacted because there is a chance that they'd use that idea in one of their Christmas episodes--Ed.] and was resolved relatively quickly. Plus it led to some quality Cam scenes, and we all know that I am a sucker for Cam.

Everything else about this story, like the inability the writers have to write a compelling story for Jason, Liz, Lucky and Sam, is a story for another time, because I don't have the energy tonight to go to the thesaurus and find synonyms for "bad", "predictable" and "lazy"...

Comments

[Beth R.]

I especially loved seeing the exact same montage twice...allowing me to wonder how in the heck the RUSSIANS were missing Jason when he was hiding behind that itty bitty table...and was standing up to shoot them. Also must be said..Jason is a crap judge of who is dead. He just looks at them? No wonder everyone thinks they come after his organization!

But Cam sighting makes lots better.

Come on now Mallory...you know the brining on the Falconeri family would mean no more Monice and Edward. Guza has to keep Lucky around as Jason's whipping boy.

[niccola1]

I really hate that L. LoCicero called herself a name that can be applied to a lot of people in the entertainment industry, but I digress. Kate was fun today and the moment really called on her to "cut a bitch" like her traitor "couSIN" first, then CuJo Carly.
You really have to feel for Megan Ward because clearly she is being pushed aside for Olivia and the glare of it is most obvious based on today's show. If they have Kate turn petty and tell Sonny about Dante, then lights out for Megan W. and her kicking hairstyle which I loved by the way. She really should have worn a KICK-ASS RED DRESS since the magazine is called CRIMSON. What is going to really suck donkey balls is that once again a woman is going to take one continuously for the team when her and Jason aka "the box of pain carrying golden-cock of this show" have a coming to st. Jasus meeting about giving up their "fairytale relationship" that only exist apparently in Liz's mind. I really hope she sticks to her guns "no pun intended" and stays away from that poor excuse of a man named Jason Morgan.

[Kat]

I happened to catch today's episode on YouTube. Ok, I happened to watch the Lucky Sam Liz Jason parts. I have to say watching Liz's synapses finally fire and her recogize that the thug life was not going to work for her children was refreshing. I may just be saying this because I'm a Lucky and Liz fan from waaaay back and love when the two characters have scenes together. Or maybe its just because I love it anytime Jason is referred to as a "criminal". Either way, liked those parts.

[Kat]

I happened to catch today's episode on YouTube. Ok, I happened to watch the Lucky Sam Liz Jason parts. I have to say watching Liz's synapses finally fire and her recogize that the thug life was not going to work for her children was refreshing. I may just be saying this because I'm a Lucky and Liz fan from waaaay back and love when the two characters have scenes together. Or maybe its just because I love it anytime Jason is referred to as a "criminal". Either way, liked those parts.

[Mel]

There was approximately a minute of goodness on today's show - Matt playing racecars with Cameron and Patrick smiling goofily at them. Everything else sucked...and that was with me putting the show on mute! It takes special talent to annoy me even in mute.

Oh, and that dress wasn't even pretty. *Sniff*

[Sarah]

RAGE. That is what GH makes me feel.

However, there were two brief shining moments of the real deeply buried GH amidst the shitfest that was today's episode.

1-Matt playing cars with Cam and proud Papa Brother Patty looking on so joyously, as he obviously swelled with pride and happiness for his growing family, one he never thought possible for him.

2- A desperate fearful regretful Mac trying to make Maxie see the truth and spare her life before he has to bury another child due to the mob. Spinelli uses his intelligence to kill, steal, abuse and all things mafia. His gun is his hacking skills. He is no better than Sonny, Jason, the Z family or the only current villains in Guzaland, the Russians. ( massive eyeroll ) Mac is so right. Maxie is blind to Spinelli's crimes as Spinelli is to Jason's.... it's all so horribly wrong. The whole Guzafied mob is a sick joke. Liz will be anti Jason worship/love for a few weeks, big deal!

These two scenes were a glimpse of what GH could be again, a family based medical drama with incredible real complex characters who also happen to be largely crazy HOT! Oh, and all the kids don't die too, how unGH! There would still be a place for bad guys, but better written ones who are more complicated and realistic like OG Sonny even, and the whole show wouldn't be based on worshipping their murderous deeds.

[Niko]

umm...Kate slept with Sonny while he was married to Carly?? I don't remember this.

[Jennyp]

The Cameron/Matt/Patrick parts were def. the highlight for me. If Liz finally dumps Jason, I'd like her to go out with Matt, just so that he can play cars w/Cam and Jake!

[cindy]

Oh thank you so much! You expressed everything that I felt after watching the episode. Seeing this bias writer manipulation for a fabulous character like Kste is so insulting. I hope it stops because Megan Ward deserves much better. The audience deserves it.

[Summer]

It is sooo sad when not only have I given up watching GH, but I have to really just bring myself to read a recap of GH....I have been watching this show since I was 4 (at Nana's house). And I couldn't even watch Laura...I hate Bob Guza...I don't want the show to die, but I want him and all his crew to go away (can we have THAT option in the poll?)

[cillann]

It was a painful parting but I've given up GH, a 27 year addiction. Until the unholy trinity of Frons, Guza and Farren Phelps are replaced there will be no change. I left because hanging on for a Quartermaine scene for 3 minutes every month or so didn't cut it. Tony Geary needs to take a leadership role and do what Erika Slezak at OLTL did and speak up about the garbage that is written, acted and produced and put on the air for viewer's consumption. Sadly, he is silent and content to continue with Luke's pathetic attempt at comedic schtick, drunk detachment from his children and real wife (Laura), and dress up in disguises at the age of 60 and pretend he's still viable and exciting. I found it interesting that when I did watch a few times during Genie Francis' return, he had appeal and seemed younger, then with Tracy, he just appeared old, tired, and dull...at least that is my opinion. From what I read on boards, viewers are jumping ship faster than the newbies can jump onto the trainwreck that is GH. And just an observation and/or question: Has Sarah Brown's Claudia ever appeared in anything other than black? Black, the banner color GH has become.

[Alison McCann]

I must state one thing though...it had been a year since we saw Jason hold his own son so...that was okay in my book. SBU and the teary eyes was...exactly what SBu does best.

The stabbing and the CarJax Kate fiasco is going to be the downfall of Guza and his crew. I keep thinking of that white haired excercise lady...STOP THE MADNESS

However, Lulu and Maxie are always fun and if you throw Spinelli into the mix...it's a good day.

Finally, I agree with you one hundred percent. I don't ever want them to SORAS Jake or Cameron because those two are the cutest kids in daytime. I want them to go the way of Kimberly McCullough (especially Braden Walkes cause he's way too cute)...besides, I don't see Rebecca Herbst looking like she could have a teen aged kid anytime soon. She still looks 20 to me. LOL

[Laurie]

I love your blog, you really hit the nail on the head with all your comments. I really do feel like the writers and producers of GH really hate their fans. As a Kate fan, this is a reality that I face daily.

There are a few things you didn't have time to get to in your blog (which is understandable given the sheer amount of crap that was yesterday's episode). Jax was a complete scum in my opinion. I don't understand where is sick amusement was coming from regarding what Carly had done. And then to undermind Kate in front of her assistants the way he did. Kate had every right to fire an assistant who publically underminded her in a business where image is everything. And speaking of which, wth is with Lulu telling Carly about the dress anyway?! I love your comments about Olivia, there is just not enough words for how much I am annoyed by this character. She can sputter off insult after insult to Kate (or Connie as she insists on calling her), but Kate says one thing back to her (which happened to be true) and she stomps off like the victim. She can dish it out but she can't take it... which seems to be one more characteristic that all three versions of Carly share.

[Alison McCann]

I must state one thing though...it had been a year since we saw Jason hold his own son so...that was okay in my book. SBU and the teary eyes was...exactly what SBu does best.

The stabbing and the CarJax Kate fiasco is going to be the downfall of Guza and his crew. I keep thinking of that white haired excercise lady...STOP THE MADNESS

However, Lulu and Maxie are always fun and if you throw Spinelli into the mix...it's a good day.

Finally, I agree with you one hundred percent. I don't ever want them to SORAS Jake or Cameron because those two are the cutest kids in daytime. I want them to go the way of Kimberly McCullough (especially Braden Walkes cause he's way too cute)...besides, I don't see Rebecca Herbst looking like she could have a teen aged kid anytime soon. She still looks 20 to me. LOL

[Julie]

So much word to everything in this blog. Especially with regards to Kate Howard and Megan Ward. This actress is far, far too talented, and the character of Kate far too interesting, to be denigrated the way she is as evidenced by this episode especially.

Apparently we viewers MUST embrace some version of Carly. Whether it be THE heroine of the show, or mobbed up Carly (read Claudia) or Bensonhurst Carly (the cousin from hell). They are the only characters written as root for. God forbid we actually identify with, or relate to, Kate Howard, who evidently is some kind of evil for going after her dreams, and working hard to realize them. Now in no way is Kate perfect and I would never want her to be, but this blatant and over the top manipulation to tear down everything that the character is or created is beyond ridiculous.

I know it's a soap opera and dramatic license is expected but this goes so far beyond complete and utter suspension of disbelief that it isn't even laughable, it's absurd and insulting to a viewer with one iota of intelligence.

- Maxie, while fashion saavy, is somehow able to run an entire magazine, budgets, advertisers et all, better than Kate, after being 1st assistant for how long? Ridiculous. Let's not even get into the fact that outside of one day, she was entirely entrenched with Spinelli and Jason and away from Crimson the entire time Kate was hospitalized.

- I believe they did imply that Kate's dress was a designer original so how carly could get a duplicate in mere hours, again beyond absurd. Almost as absurd as every person present at the party TELLING us how much better Carly looked in the dress than Kate. Certainly not my opinion, but of course we viewers had to be told the way it is.

- Don't even get me started on how Jax and Kate, who began this venture as business PARTNERS, has devolved into Kate working for Jax. The magazine is HER creation and surely her name and experience is every bit as valuable as his money. And I'm to believe that Kate, who was fired from Couture, wouldn't have covered herself in this aspect when creating HER magazine and forming this business partnership. Yeah right! Sorry, I actually engaged my brain for moment and thought logically.

- I can't even begin to express my loathing for the cousin from hell. If she is any indication of what Connie had to deal with in Bensonhurst it is completely and utterly understandable why she ran, ambitions or no ambitions.

And there is more, oh so much more, but I'll stop now.

Obviously this episode had me seeing Crimson red as well. So happy to know I wasn't alone.

[Izzi]

You didn't say anything about the great song playing during the montage!!

Love your column, as usual. I love Olivia though (although she'd getting totally silly lines--not wanting to go the hospital after she gets STABBED! Like living is less important than keeping your son's paternity a secret?! Priorities, Olivia, priorities!!) I do hate Kate (love MW), so I loved Carly's plan (even if it was stupid--at least it was entertaining)), except for her haircut, but her hairstyle in this ep was CRIMINAL!!

[Michaela]

"I loved Carly's plan (even if it was stupid--at least it was entertaining)"

Yeah, I can't get on board with that. I thought it was both stupid AND dull as dirt. The fact that it involved a bunch of characters I can no longer stand just made it that much worse...

[horselover]

It's just so sad that there are so many of us that WANT to watch GH but no longer can. I have watched for 30 years and simply can no longer stomach this crapfest of a show. I continue to visit the boards to find humor in it (like your column) and to see if ABC someday wakes up and makes some changes behind the scenes. But I won't hold my breath. It's just so sad.

[Courtney]

You know what? I have a few ideas that I'd like to share with the world regarding you ladies and this site: 1.) Let's make GH a permanent 'feature with commentary', where we watch the same BS over and over, while listening to your thoughts on what's happening as it's happening. You all are way more entertaining anyway; 2.) Have a show starring the writers on here, immediately following GH; 3.) Replace GH with your show altogether.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Seriously, you all rock.

[spin]

For the love of soap Gods you are so right on so many points! It is outrageous how they are using and abusing Kate to prop up those around her. It is truly infuriating, insulting and maddening that I find it difficult to put into words.

When Kate Howard burst through Sonny's door a year ago I was hooked on a show I hadn't watched loyally in nearly 20 years. The class and natural presence that Megan Ward brings to the screen is compelling. To watch her handed this crap and to add insult to injury with Olivia as a beneficiary is enough to make me sick. Aughh! I can't even articulate how upset I am at all of this.

I wouldn't watch another second if it weren't for Ms. Ward. She's earned my support and I'm a Kate fan through good times and bad. Its about damm time they hand this woman a good time for crying out loud!

[natty3]

out of the entire show the only thing worth watching was that cute scene of matt playing cars with adorable cameron, while patrick looked on with a huge smile. that scene was approx 1 min, the rest of the show hung.

[W. Wilde]

Thank you so much for a blog that echoes my exact thoughts verbatim for everything you wrote. The rest of you ladies' comments were also nice to read as well! These commentaries are more worth my time reading than GH has been worth watching lately.

I have been a fan of GH since I was ~9 years old. I watched sporadically throughout the years but the interest faded slowly with bad writing & moving the focus from character-driven scripts to sweeps-by-sweeps plot writing. Sure, GH does the best drama in daytime imo, but that's NOT enough to sustain the show throughout the year, and definitely a poor plan for continual longevity, esp. with the dying age of soaps lately.

What brought me back to watching & getting invested in GH again? I put sole blame on Megan Ward. Darn her for coming onto GH & making me care for a character so much, I actually started doing fan stuff that I NEVER though I would actually do! Now, I'm so invested, whenever Kate is treated unfairly onscreen, I literally want to throw my shoe at my TV, as though someone just insulted a family member. Yes, I'm in need of a new tv soon. ;)

Again, thank you for so eloquently writing your thoughts, and a special thanks for expressing what myself, as a Kate fan, want desperately for GH to get a clue about. Can you please send your blog to GH TPTB?

[Mia]

I'm sorry - I can't concentrate on anything you've just said because my worst fears were realised in today's episode. That's right, Robin's plaid coat has made a reappearance.

[shae]

I think your blog is one to be read. In fact, I think it's a MUST read for all of TPTB at GH and ABC. I can't tell you enough how much it echos what most of us feel and think regarding the direction of this show. Amazing job, and thank you :)

[Michelle]

I stopped watching GH several months ago, but I had to comment. I ask for my gingerBREAD latte (I refuse to call it gingersnap) without those cubes. It's better without them, and you don't finish your drink by choking on rocks.

[Tabby]

I'm really angry and upset, and am officially through with the show, (even scrubs) until the writer(s) are replaced Guza's sick penchant for violence, abused women, women being stabbed (how many does it make now? With Olivia), and worst of all, children being shot or kidnapped.

After watching Patrick throw back a drink with Sonny on yesterday's episode, I have come to the conclusion that there will be no part of this show left untouched by the mob crap. We can't even have a scrubs story line, without involving mobsters in it.

As much as I like Liz, the whole violence episode, even with her shredding her paintings et al. .... the insanity made me ill.

Children being shot and/or kidnapped, and women being stabbed for ratings and holidays is beyond mental. I DO NOT FIND ENTERTAININMENT in those things.

I'm heareby ditching all of it. Scrubs too. Not even my love for Kimberly Mc Cullough and baby Emma can make me stick around now.

Someone alert the presses when GH gets better writers and stories.

[Beth]

Mallory, the Peppermint White Chocolate Latte rules, if you're interested and get tired of picking ginger out of your teeth. ;)

Oh, and GH? Haven't watched a second since Laura left. I'm not an advocate of violence against women, but if stabbing Olivia was the only way to shut her up, then I reluctantly have to get behind it.

[Steph]

You know... as a huge Kate and Megan Ward fan, this show is so painful to watch. I don't understand when Kate became a villian to everyone on the show. It is disgusting to think that someone who works hard for what they want and succeeds is constantly berated. Especially when you compare her to characters like Carly and Claudia who are the most vile representations of women I could imagine. Olivia, that is a whole nother rant, but let's just say that I wanted her gone right about the time she showed up and I realized that she was yet another character to break down Kate. What a backstabbing b*tch she is! I swear if I didn't love Megan Ward so much, I would NOT be watching this bassackwards show. Btw... Kate looked beautiful in that dress, which made it laughable that the show kept trying to tell us that Carly looked better. That isn't even my personal bias, that is honesty. Anyway... Great blog!

[vm]

Another great blog about this awful, awful show. I was just wondering if you guys were going to blog/recap on the time between your last GH post (the beginning of the god forsaken mog war) and this one. There are just so many horrible developments that you MUST comment on.Such things include, but are not limited to: Sam and Liz being awesome at the cabin, Spinelli trying to "avenge" Maxie, that weird day when we almost got rid of Johnny and Ruru but didn't,Liz tearing up all of her paintings and Lucky being there for her and lets not forget the montage of Jason running in guns ablazing to save his son at the risk of shooting him.
(I almost forgot Cam's adorableness in the last episode-"Hi Jake" and the head pat.
You really must write about what has become of this travesty of a show, however painful it may be. You guys are the best.

[Mar]

And the dress was UGLY!!! No one should have been making that kind of a fuss over it...