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« I Am Struggling Valiantly Not To Make A "Thong Song" Joke | Main | Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column »

December 08, 2008

In Which I See Red. Crimson Red, To Be Specific

The United States is mired in an economic crisis and ABC Daytime is feeling the pinch: the previews for the next day's episodes are long gone and even Susan Lucci herself has agreed to take a paycut! Threat Level Midnight, indeed.

So it is in the interest of being a good person that I offer the following suggestion to help ABC out: instead of going to the trouble of filming five episodes of General Hospital a week, why not just call up every audience member and tell them that you hate them, have zero respect for their intelligence and make a joke about their mom? Since approximately two dozen people are still watching GH these days, it won't take you too long, and it would be way more cost effective than producing the show. You're welcome!

Today's episode, obviously, made me cranky. And I don't know if it's the bitter cold or the fact that Starbucks got rid of the gingerbread latte in favor of the far inferior gingersnap latte (there are pieces of ginger in it! It is gross!) or a lack of sleep, but it made me more even cranky than it usually makes me. I was mere minutes away from going full-on Corinthos and chucking a brandy decanter at the wall.


To call Carly's plot to humiliate Kate by showing up to the Crimson party in the same gown dumb would be an insult to all sorts of dumb things. Why would the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine not get a custom made dress? Does Anna Wintour shop for her clothes at Nordstrom where any lunatic hotel owner off the street could buy the same one? I think not.

The most glaring dumb thing, of course, is that we watched a GROWN WOMAN engage in silly shenanigans to embarrass her rival in public. Bob Guza doesn't have an original bone in his body, so I have to assume that he was ripping off Mean Girls and didn't realize that when GROWN WOMEN do such ridiculous things that they don't come across as just bitchy, but actually unhinged.


This is the heroine of our show, everyone! You know how I know she's the heroine of the show? Because pretty much every single human being onscreen today threw themselves at her feet to worship her.

Gwyneth: It's been quite a year for you, hasn't it? As I understand it, you've been shot twice and still not married. But don't worry. You're among friends, and the dress looks almost as spectacular on you as it does on Carly.

Warren: Carly, what a lovely party. You are a wonderful hostess, whether it's a backyard barbecue or a last-minute cocktail party.

Lulu: I wanted Carly to beat Kate. After everything she's been through, she deserves a win.

This show hurts my feelings.

Kate didn't exactly cover herself with glory, either, what with sneering about Carly's divorce and going out in public with her hair looking like that But nobody (Carly excepted!) is perfect.



It's impossible to watch anything Kate-related these days without being overcome with sympathy for Megan Ward. How much do the writers obviously not give a damn about Kate? The speed with which they throw characters aside for their brand new toy is nothing new, but this actually makes me uncomfortable! Every character hates and insults her, she gets shown up by Carly, of all people, and her role on the show is rapidly being usurped by Olivia, who, it must be said, is wretched. Not wretched enough that I liked watching her get stabbed


but wretched enough that I didn't feel compelled to write one of the borderline hysterical "Violence is never the answer! Someone think of the children!" entries that I usually write after an instance of mob violence.

Lisa LoCicero has a hilarious interview in the December 9th issue of Soap Opera Digest where she makes fun of her "slutty-looking" face, and she seems like a lot of fun, but OH MY GOD I HATE OLIVIA.

Olivia: It is amusing. Connie, you are amusing. I mean, if my brother -- excuse me, your cousins would have been here, they would be rolling on the floor laughing watching you work this room, working these people, walking around like you're all smart and powerful. Honey, you don't even know your enemies from your friends. I guess that's why you have to have a party for yourself in the first place.

Wasn't she the one who called Claudia a rank bitch a few short weeks ago? There is a huge pot, kettle, black situation going on here.

Olivia: You set yourself up for it when you slept with Carly's husband. You can't think she wasn't going to retaliate.

Who the hell takes Carly's side over their own family?! No one. Even Bobbie would root against Carly, just on principle.

And then after she got stabbed, she refused to go to the hospital because her son calls her all the time and would want to visit her.

Olivia: Listen to me. My son is already calling me 20 times a day on the phone. He gets another call, I'm in the hospital, he is going to rally the troops, and we're going to have the whole Falconeri family swarming General Hospital. Believe me, it's not something you want.

1. No, that is not something I want, because introducing the Falconeri family would mean massive firings to make room for them on canvas, which means that, like, Monica and Lucky would be gone.

2. Isn't Dante, like, twenty years old (and even that estimate is being kinder to Maurice Benard than he actually deserves)? Why is he calling his mother incessantly? This is laying the groundwork for either a Very Special Storyline or a takeoff of the creepy family sketch from Paul Rudd's episode of Saturday Night Live...


Today's episode was also notable for Jake's big rescue.


It's so typical of this show that he was kidnapped right at Thanksgiving. They sure do love violent crime at the holidays, don't they? Emily's funeral was last Thanksgiving, Georgie was killed at Christmas time...at least this kidnapping happened off camera [Comment about relief at not having to see the kidnapping in great detail with Cam being, like, pistol whipped redacted because there is a chance that they'd use that idea in one of their Christmas episodes--Ed.] and was resolved relatively quickly. Plus it led to some quality Cam scenes, and we all know that I am a sucker for Cam.

Everything else about this story, like the inability the writers have to write a compelling story for Jason, Liz, Lucky and Sam, is a story for another time, because I don't have the energy tonight to go to the thesaurus and find synonyms for "bad", "predictable" and "lazy"...


The only good thing about the Jake in peril storyline is Cameron. That kid's reactions are pure gold -- when Jake was returned and Cameron cried "Jakey!" and patted his brother on the head, I damn near died laughing at the cuteness.

"So it is in the interest of being a good person that I offer the following suggestion to help ABC out: instead of going to the trouble of filming five episodes of General Hospital a week, why not just call up every audience member and tell them that you hate them, have zero respect for their intelligence and make a joke about their mom?"

Thank you. You nailed precisely how I felt after watched the particularly hellish episode that is the subject of this blog.

That Kate's hair looked like that at her big party is a sign that even the hair people are turning on Megan Ward. How else do you explain such a violent crime against good hair?

Me, Carly, no words. Just hate. Pure, unadulterated, unabashed hate.

Cam was truly the one spot of brightness in this dreck. I think it's possible that I may be an even bigger sucker for him than you are. Oh yeah, I went there. *throws down gauntlet*

I accept that gauntlet Kels....cause I am the true bigggest sucker for Cameron. Bring it! =)

Ladies, ladies. Let's not argue over who loves Cam more (I am the obvious winner in that contest anyway) and use our powers to lobby for an Emmy nomination for Braden Walkes! His hilarious reaction shots deserve some sort of mainstream recognition.

Michelle and Beth, thank you for the Starbucks advice! I will try both of your suggestions. If I had any sense of shame, I'd be embarrassed over how upset I am over this fiasco...

I am not prepared to concede in the who loves Cam more contest but I do think we should set that aside to work together to get Braden his richly deserved Emmy.

I too do not concede...but I will agree to bribe that Emmy committee or whatever it is that gets people nominations for Braden. Totally deserves it

Why is Megan Ward even on the show any more? She's even more whiny, annoying, and pensive than Jennifer Bransford could have been on her worst days. She's a hack, and how she continually is getting voted as the "best actress" on ABC soaps according to the polls in the weekly rag just shows me how out of touch most of the fan base is at this point.

However, perhaps I'm overlooking what is indeed a dastardly plot by the fans to kill off the show, since it's obvious Guza and co. couldn't write for the average high school yearbook, let alone daytime drama.

Seriously, why are Jax and Nikolas even fighting? Doesn't Nik have that allmighty "you kidnapped my child and kept him from me, back off or Jail for you" card in his back pocket? HELLO? Anyone forget this?

What about the fact Robin almost carried her baby for 11 months? I was unaware she had Elephant DNA in her blood stream to make sure her gestational period would be so long.

And I'm sorry, but no one, not even Maxie (whom thanks to Spinelli, I've grown to love) can be so clueless as to how Spinelli feels about her. No wonder Kristen Storms is getting a drinking problem.

And while I like Jerry, anyone want to explain to me how he was tangled up in a net on the lower decks with 2 seconds left, starts laughing, and survives the explosion? Is he a terminator? How'd he get back to shore? Sea Turtles?

Poor Giselle is supposed to REALLY be Kate's Right hand, yet she's taken a backseat to Lulu and Maxie, who apparently work for scraps, based on what their appartment looks like.

I could go on and on, but what's the point? This show has become plot hole city. Aside from Spinelli, the highlight lately on the show has been the fact that Nadines Aunt Raylene happened to be on Boston Legal and left Jerry for an I-phone. Obviously hilarity has ensued between my wife and I everytime she's on screen.


One more thing, anyone who honestly thinks Carly didn't look better in that dress needs to check their pulse. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, more alluring about Megan Ward's completely non existant figure than Laura Wright in the same dress. At least Larua Wright looks like a female, and not a manaquin (sp?). Nevermind the hair straight out of a Robert Palmer wet dream or the porcelin like makup job Ms. Howard had on.

maybe it's Luza's and Frons grand plan to get rid of all soaps as a whole. Look at Days and AMC really now. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.

Thankfully Katiya I've only got the one Soap to burn my retinas on a daily basis. Though the way this show has just completely jumped the shark as of late makes me wonder why I still bother.

I don't mind the action so much, but then it's gotten to the point where this show just tries way too hard to be edgy. It's like they resent being a soap, and wish they could be on later at night ala 24 or Terminator or Fringe.

Actaully, maybe Fox should just pick this show up, put it on at 9, and breathe some much needed life into it.

IT can't possibly get worse, can it?

I totally agree about Kate. Megan Ward and her character are the reason I started watching this show. Megan Ward is a fantastic actress who gives layers to Kate even when the writers are virtually destroying her. She definitely is too good for this crap of a show.

The whole Crimson party pissed me off. Are we to believe that whoever designed Kate's dress would give a very convient double to a completely random stranger?? Should we believe that people who don't know Carly and know Kate would just magically like Carly a lot better?? I guess with this show, we are. And it really makes me mad.

Don't get me started on Olivia and Lulu. Since Olivia has come to this town, she has showed no respect at all for her cousin. She always calls Kate "Connie" even after Kate has asked her to stop. And she has the nerve to tell Kate off while Kate is doing business? Olivia shows that she has no respect for what her cousin made out of herself and wants everyone to know it.

And Lulu, telling Carly what Kate was wearing. I don't care if Carly is family, she should have stayed out of this fight. Kate was gracious enough to give her a job and let her keep it even though she is the worst assistant on the planet. Also, she was going to let Maxie take the blame for her. And after that, she tells Maxie she needs to keep this job. How about not giving away Crimson secrets??

I've heard that things aren't going to get any better for Kate. If Megan Ward leaves, I'll be quick to follow.

BTW, Kate looked better in the dress than Carly. I'm amazed Megan is still that skinny after having 2 children.

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