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« Special Programming Note | Main | Pine Valley Remembers Myrtle and Eileen Herlie »

December 18, 2008

On The Plus Side, There Has Been No Murder (Unless You Count The Systematic Murder of My Soul...)

Lately, General Hospital has been so boring that I have resorted to bribing myself in order to make it through a full episode, which is so sad on so many different levels, especially since I cheat anyway and fast forward.

And I feel sort of petty even complaining about it because a year ago, we were rewarded for our faithful viewing with the senseless murder of Georgie Jones (a legacy character killed at Christmas by a serial killer who had already offed another legacy character and who was eventually revealed to be a person we all saw die onscreen, a storyline so epically stupid that English doesn't include words to really describe it, unless you count "huge, cosmic ball of suck"). Legacy characters haven't been dropping left and right these days--I probably shouldn't speak too soon because it's only Thursday and who knows, tomorrow might have an explosion at the hospital, killing off pesky non-mobbed up characters in one fell swoop--, children haven't been shot in the head--again, knock on wood--which is always a good thing, but...it is SO BORING. Sometimes when I am watching, my eyes glaze over and all of a sudden, the next time I look at the clock, like, half an hour has gone by. That's scary! After years of watching this show, has my brain started to disintegrate?!

If anything is going to give me a My Sweet Audrina like Swiss cheese brain, it will be the boringness of this show. An inventory of the week's major stories:

  • Wacky roommate shenanigans with Maxie, Lulu and Johnny. What's better than forced hilarity? I mean, besides actual, legitimate hilarity...
  • Sam in peril! That hasn't happened since early December!

  • Claudia and Sonny hate each other, but are married! Cue the laugh track.

  • Johnny, the rebel and lone wolf of the Zacchara clan, is striking out on his own and working at a Christmas tree lot.

  • Luke tying to win back Tracy in scenes more staggeringly pathetic than Luke's other staggeringly pathetic scenes of late

  • Nadine's aunt and her plow patent. Yes, you read that correctly. A plow patent. This is a storyline on a nationally televised program

  • Jason and Sonny something something

Yeah, that's appointment viewing, all right.


I don't know if it's the fact that Lulu and Johnny, separately and together, hurt me or if it's the fact that entire television shows have been based on the premise of people living together and hilariously not getting along, but these hijinx are terrible and do nothing but make me want to watch old episodes of Felicity to reminisce about Felicity and Megan and Megan's box.

Besides, if the show really needed a wacky take on Three's Company, I think we all know that the third party should have been Ghost Logan.


Sure, that would merely be ripping off sitcoms and Weekend at Bernie's, but the entertainment potential would be endless. Also, I just felt like posting that picture again. Oh, Josh Duhon. Didn't we almost have it all?

And, oh man, Johnny's work drama is painful to watch. How entertaining is it to watch a soap opera during an economic depression and see a mafia scion blather on about work? NOT VERY.

Lulu: This is good, honest work. Nothing to look down on. And after the holidays, you'll get a better job.

Johnny: Yeah, well, you know what? I'd sling Christmas trees for the rest of my life if it meant I didn't have to go back to my family.

You, sir, are a drama queen.


Alexis exists! Yay!

And Alexis looks amazing! Yay!


And then she and Luke had this mind-blowingly dumb exchange! Yay!

Alexis: True. All right, maybe I'm just projecting. I mean, after all, I have three children with three different fathers, and I don't think I've been the love of any of their lives. I don't think I've ever kissed a boy without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.

Luke: Is it just me, or is this whole conversation now kind of turning towards Jerry Jacks?

Is it just me or is this whole conversation an opening to ask about Sam's mysterious father? An opening that Luke COMPLETELY IGNORED in favor of asking about Jerry?! WHAT THE HELL???

I have to be honest, I fast forwarded through most of the scenes about Luke faking his heart attack, partly because I was so used to fast forwarding that I did it out of habit and partly because...Tony Geary, if you are reading this, can we have a heart to heart? I know you're an award-winning legend who pretty much works five days a year and that's great and you have been responsible for a whole lot of awesome, but...I think it is time to leave. On a high note, even! I just find it upsetting to watch you slog through this awful material. Thank you in advance.


Tyler Christopher's facial expression accurately conveys how I feel about this insipid story.


Part exhaustion, part being distracted, part "are you kidding me with this shit, seriously?"

As a certified Nadine hater, I was predisposed to dislike it, but not even I was prepared for the depth of badness that this storyline has provided.

Nadine: Oh, I can't wait to go to the factory. I want to see her invention coming right off the assembly line.

The only time that sentence is remotely acceptable is on Mr. Rogers.


The Sonny/Claudia/Jason scenes that, of course, dominated the week bored me so badly that I will not be discussing them, because I have no real idea what is going on. From what I gleaned from my fast forwarding, there are issues and...things that...happen. But I can't be bothered to care. Nor can I be bothered to care about this:



Jerry: Surprise. Oh, I wish I could see your reaction right now, Claudia. Your heart racing, the look on that lovely face of yours. Shock mingled with anger. The ever-present hint of lust. Oh, my god, you are such a fine specimen. Alas, by now, I've probably vanished without a trace or died trying. It's pretty likely that I'll never have the pleasure of your company again. But, as you know, I am an amoral bastard and I draw the line at shooting children. And in point of fact, Michael was Jax's stepson. It seems really unfair that the poor kid's lying in a permanent state of coma while you go on your merry way. So, even though I loathe Sonny, he's a father and has a right to know what you've done, which probably means that Sonny will kill you. But I think that you deserve a fighting chance tosave yourself. Besides, I like games. So I'm going to play a little game with you. I made a lovely dvd detailing your part in Michael's shooting. The dvd is hidden in Sonny's house somewhere. If you find it before Sonny, you can save yourself. So let the games begin, darling.

Sigh. And Jerry's sinister demeanor is all too similar to how I imagine Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps to be when they are planning stories...


Am I the only one who constantly recites lines about the Pit of Dispair whenever Sam's scenes start? "You're in the Pit of Dispair. Don't even think about trying to escape."

But boring like woah...i mean heck we just NOW saw Lucky.....and that is just unacceptable! Even more unacceptable that he's the reason Jason gets to play hero. Again.

The "Nadine's wacky aunt bequeathed her a patent for a piece of plow equipment in her will" storyline is so cosmically awful that I can't even find the words to describe it. Poor Nikolas needs to be rescued from this craptacular storyline before I do something drastic. However, I have a hunch the New Year will bring some relief from Nikolas's dismal existence and will actually give him interesting material to work with!


That is all.

But you must admit that Sebastian is a talented actor who delivered that message with such zeal and smarmy charm. Ooh and I like that he acknowledges he's an amoral bastard unlike half the rest the town. (Unlike them in that he admits it.)

Now if only he would prove useful and kill everyone I want gone. I'd list them all but I should leave space for other people to comment. ;)

When Nik's upcoming story starts, we are going to pine for the good old days with Nadine. I'm not kidding.

As for Johnny, I don't like him, but I really can't say this story offends me based on being in an economic depression. If he were a Quartermaine, yes. Since he's part of a psycho mob family, no. I don't blame him for leaving, although it won't last.

Thanks so much for saying that Alexis looks hot! You failed to mention her interaction with Sonny. Did you like it, hate it, bored of it? At least NLG got to show some cleavage!

As usual, love the blog!

I have also been fast forwarding....had no idea what the Nadine story line was all about thanks for recapping the crapfest that is GH these days. I agree it is time for Luke to go.....last year we had the dreams and this year we have the fake heart attacks.... GH is getting so painful to watch these days..Luke and Lulu need to go and visit Laura and remain in Paris.

i agree that luke needs to go, its just embarrassing at this point. tracy is too good for him. this show doesnt even have real storylines going at all anymore. its just somone gets kidnapped or is in peril, jason to the rescue and its over in a week. this. lather rinse repeat every week. i hate it. the only 2 characters wortha damn are patrick and maxie. patrick gets 5 minutes of airtime listening to robin whine a week about her swollen ankles tnat he doesnt want to be a dad or now or daughter hates her and shes a terribel mother. Robin you ever heard of not always thinking in absolutes. geez what have they done to robin scorpio? maxie is stuck in the storyline from hell, sharing scenes with that boob spinelli and living with boring johnny and boring lulu. trust me do yourselves a favor just watch OLTL, that show kicks this one's ass everyday

Natty3 you took the words right out of my mouth. And Kels, while I've never seen SR in anything but GH, I agree he is one of the only ACTORS on the show. Everyone else just pastes their lines on the wall or the floor (I figure this is why Steve Burton is always looking at the carpet) and there less than a handful of characters I'd be willing to keep if the choice was up to me. Again, not nearly enough space to write them all out.

Ah, Sebastian, so talented but so utterly wasted on this train wreck. Nadine needs to take her plow patent off into the sunset. Luke needs to leave, and he can take Lulu if he wants, but he needs to stay continents away from Laura. He's made it clear that she is nothing more to him than gum on his shoe.

I don't even bother to FF'd anymore, I just YouTube Scrubs and Maxie. All the other sh!t can burn in the depths of hell.


"Tony Geary....I think it is time to leave..."

Sadly, that is true :(

I am sick of all the Mobster stuff. Please bring the family back to GH???

Dear Santa,
Please Guza be gone. Put alot of coal in Guza stocking. For he has been very bad. For taking our be loved Logan form us. And we Miss Josh Duhon. And hope to see him soon.

I'm right there with you about Nerdine...actually, I can't use her real name and call her the Blithering Idiot. I can't believe they stuck the amazing Tyler Christopher in Farm Girl Hell. Looking forward to his next storyline though *wink*...thank goodness he'll once again have a great acting partner. It almost doesn't matter what the story is...and in response to one of the other posts...NOTHING will make me pine for Nerdine...NOTHING.

I'm intrigued by all these hints about an upcoming Nik story, as Tyler Christopher is one of the few things that keeps me hanging on, and I've been unable to bear watching this farm nonsense.

Also, they need to never shoot him from beneath the chin again, ever.

I find myself looking around the room, trying to find the hidden camera. I'm being Punk'd, right? This shit isn't really happening, is it?

I fast forward through the Smarmy and Claud (yes, I purposely forgot the "ia") scenes because it's the same rehash over and over. "Claud" waves her man hands around and repeats the same "we're married and mobsters, yay" speech 100 times per episode, and I just can't take it. Not to mention the way Maurice Benard bumbles over EVERY-SINGLE-LINE. "Um, uh, you do what you, uh, want, uh, there, Claudia. If you want, a , uh, um..Christmas...uh tree...then...uh...whatever." EVERY LINE, I tell you, EVERY LINE! I don't know if he just doesn't give a shit about this character anymore than we do so he doesn't bother learning his lines or he thinks the "Forest Gump" delivery is charming. ACK!

A plow patent. Really? I guess it's so we can make our way through the field of shit that is this storyline.

Roommate shenanigans. Oh how fun. When is Mr. Roper going to come by so Lulu and Maxie will have to pretend Johnny is gay so he can stay in the apartment? Am I having a flashback? Maybe Robin's coat should stop by.

Luke's storyline is just a travesty. I hope Tony Geary brought back a LOT of good Amsterdam hash to get him through these scenes. It's an insult to his abilities and those of Jane Elliot. Guza should be shot.

Make it stop...please? Just make it stop!

Yes, Tony Geary, it's time for you to leave. :( But hey, I'd be up for having Phelps and Guza leave instead but I know that will NEVER happen. :(

GH put me in a "Michael like" coma, but your post woke me up, thanks.

Rene, I sooo agree on it all. And TG should share the hash stash for those of us still watching this life sucking show. I think being high is the only thing that might help this show seem like entertainment and not punishment.

MEGAN'S BOX!?!?!?!? What the hell was in there anyways? I can't recall. She was a great character. I'd love a crossover where she kicks Spinelli's ass! (just a thought) Then she could hop over to PV and kick Ryan's ass.

On the bright side, I still totally LOL at the sight of that "telling ghost stories at Camp Chipawa" screen shot of Logan.

I'd rather have Ghost Logan then Johnny. Johnny's flabby hairy chest is not attractive. And, now Maxie's getting another one of Lulu's rejects? What is so difficult about pairing Matt and Maxie? Two gorgeous people, great chemistry and the Scrubs connection could add another layer of soapy goodness. Get on it writers!

I agree about how it's time for Tony Geary to leave, unless they have some plan to bring back Genie Francis. I'm sick of the stupid storylines they keep putting him in. As for the rest of the show unless scrubs are on I don't watch. Sadly the days of "can't miss GH" are long gone.

LOL, Kat! I know, don't you expect Scooby and the Gang to show up at any moment? Zikes!

I think it is completely disgusting for a show to have extraordinary talent and not have the writing to support it. GH has become so unbalanced and centered on the mob that every other character and story has had to be marginalized or removed entirely. If this strategy were working, the ratings would not be in the toilet. It is not Tony Geary's fault that Luke is no longer recognizable. Really, if you can't write for Tony Geary, you might as well just hang it up. Bob Guza deserves a pink slip for this travesty he has been creating and for his total disregard for history...particularly the history of Luke and Laura. He can take Jill Phelps and Brian Frons right along with him. ABC really needs to overhaul this show. It is a disgrace.

We've spent 30 years with Luke and know him. This is not Luke. There's no way the Luke that was sold to us for decades would not choose Laura and would not be in France with her. Now Guza is going to redo the heart attack schtick. I never thought I'd say it, but Tony either needs to fight for Luke and the Luke and Laura legacy or say goodbye. His character is just one of the dozens Guza has destroyed. I think it's time to write, en masse, to Sweeney at Disney for the removal of the unholy three: Frons, Guza and Phelps. They all need to be fired for the complete destruction of a once great show. Sad.
Actually, beyond sad. GH has become Melrose Place with mob infiltration.

Good lord,the suckage continues. I like Johnny and Maxie but the rest sucks.

TG needs to go. He trashes LnL at every opportunity and phones it in all the time. The wonderful Jane Elliott deserves better.

Sonny and Claudia,is it 1998 again? We have seen this all before.

Matt N Maxie have no chem. Why this show insists on redoing couples from other shows is beyond me.

I really miss Jerry's charming psychopathic self.At least,he was real to what he was. Unlike the mobsters are saints crap,this show puts out.

Sam,it's time to stop. I am amazed that Sam can hold all parts together,with the way she's been abused.

Thank God for Robin and Patrick, they are the only entertaining part of this show.

And it pains me to say this but you are right about Tony Geary. He needs to leave while he can. Unless the writers plan to give him an actual storyline that doesn't involve the character assassination of Luke. Which isn't going to happen.

I miss A.J. I know that was random but I just felt like saying it.

GH is such a sad state of affairs right now. No storylines catch my interest at all. I stopped watching regularly after Laura left in November. I think it is pretty sad now that Luke is trying to win over a woman whom he does not love. The mob storylines are so played out, that I still cannot believe that GH is getting the ratings that it has been. Wake up ABC! Do something to improve GH. Bring Genie Francis back!

I keep roaming from website to website, trying to make sense of this terrible show. I used to love it, tore home to watch it. Now - I can barely force myself to read the reacaps over the past month.
Did KeMo stipulate to Frons in her contract she had to be close to death weekly so Jason has to be in a story line with her? Stay in the hole Sam. Nadine and Nic - they have the chemistry of two wet matches.
Lulu - words fail me - she even has managed to make Johnny unappealing.
The best thing about GH are the Soapnet ads with Maxi and Spinelli.
Any news on what child will be sacrificed this Christmas?


i LOVED everything you girls wrote in this post! I agree with every single word of it!
Oh how i MISS Josh Duhon terribly!!! I wish to see his sexy face and fine abs again!! i feel this show is just not the same without him. Johnny and Lulu together make me GAG to no end!! God Jolu SUCKS!!
I love being able to go on youtube and just watch Scrubs and Maxie scenes. Other than that, i can't tolerate the rest of this crapfest of a show.

Before I stopped watching I did come to appreciate Jerry Jacks as a villain...so of course he eventually got much less screen time than the Zacharas or whatever Generic Mob Rival was featured that week. And I actually like the basic idea of what Jerry is trying to do to Claudia; it strikes me as something a good soap villain would do, instead of a villain from the third-rate "Sopranos" Guza is trying to turn GH into (trying?). However...

Is hiding the DVD in Sonny's house really the most practically villainous idea? First off he lives in a freakin' mansion. Second he almost certainly doesn't clean himself, so your best bet that it would turn up accidentally is to hope that, while tossing around more glassware in a rage, Sonny will knock it off whatever shelf he's hiding it.

Still, I do love the image of Jerry sneaking around Sonny's place thinking of places to hide the DVD. "Hmm, what if I put it in this 'Fraser' Season 2 box...?"

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