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« I Literally Do Not Understand What These Words Mean | Main | The Crap Heard Round the World »

February 11, 2009

Guza's March To the Sea

Now when we say that Guza torched the hell out of General Hospital, it works on a factual level as well as a metaphorical one.


This non-sweeps stunt stands out even amongst prior stunts for the sheer laziness of the writing (reminder: prior stunts include "Masked Men Take Over the Metro Court Before Jason Saves The Day", and "A Strangler Terrorizes The Black and White Ball Before Jason Saves The Day"), I assume because Bob Guza was all, "Right, right, plot, continuity, yeah, we'll get to that. Tell me...when do we get to blow stuff up?"

Is it just me? Or does so much of what we are seeing not make any sense? It's like I have two possible reactions to this show: blistering rage or slack-jawed confusion. I will admit, in fairness to the GH powers-that-be, that some of my confusion is due to paralyzing boredom that glazes my eyes over during certain scenes and renders my comprehension useless. But the rest of the questions I continue to have are the direct result of the GH writers half-assing the entire non-event.

  • If the hospital exploded, how come some technology still works? And why didn't cell phones work, but Spinelli's internet connection did?
  • Does Winifred sap everybody else of their will to live, or is that just me?

Winifred:Thank gods and goddesses. No, no, they must be possessed by the zorn of zurenar if they truly expect the priestess to comply.

I seriously cannot deal. I want her dead, and I don't care if they have to bring Diego back to do it.

  • Is Luke's complete obliviousness to the fact that his entire family is in mortal, toxic-ball related danger supposed to be entertaining? Like, "Haha, this is ironic! His family is in peril and he's yukking it up! HAHA!"? Because if that's what they were aiming for they failed.
  • Is there any particular reason that Ethan was introduced during this "important" "crisis" that "will change everything"? Could it not have waited a few weeks? I know that they get really excited when they have something new and shiny to play with, but surely he's not that awesome that he needed to be shoehorned into this non-sweeps non-event.
  • Did anybody else gasp when Jax was flying the helicopter? Because I was pretty shocked to see Jax be a hero, and in keeping with his character history, even!
  • Am I the only one who gets a little excited when Alexis shows up, even if it's only for a few seconds? It's a nice reminder that she still exists and that the writers haven't decided to kill her, off camera.
  • Why is Nikolas acting like doppelgangers are some earth-shattering, insane event? Because he had a lookalike of his own, so he should be used to this by now.
  • How long will Lulu's sudden jaunt into the land of normalcy last? She's been more than tolerable lately, perhaps because she's in close proximity to Tracy, and Tracy's awesomeness has a tendency to rub off on people.
  • And will Carly always stay rational and adorable? Because I LOVE this version of Carly.


She's cute, and funny, and remarkably unshrill, and the voice of reason, and it's...well, unsettling. Maybe Emily's not the only one with a doppelganger running around.

  • The show's, um, subtle foreshadowing leads me to ask: how long before Maxie gets pregnant? And will it be a terrible story? Just kidding about that last part, of course it will be a terrible story.
  • Why hasn't Kate just told Sonny that Claudia is involved with Michael's shooting? Why is she prefacing her big announcement with hours worth of Shakesperean prose about the importance of what she's about to tell him?
  • How much of a huge freaking bitch is Olivia? Why did she burn the DVD? Why didn't she at least watch it to see if Kate was being irrational or not? I mean, wouldn't any good busybody at least watch the DVD?! What would Gladys Kravitz say?!
  • How pathetic was the snow on today's show?


That's just shredded paper!

  • Really, Bob Guza set fire to General Hospital. I have so many questions, all with some variation of "fuck", "mental deficiency", "childhood trauma", "fucking", "hate", "hack", "bastard", "offensive" and "fuckety" in them. But mostly I cry.


I gasped when Jax was allowed to fly the helicopter....just like I was shocked when and Lucky were allowed to help evacuate people instead of hearing some variation of "Go on...be helpless. We'll just ask JAson for help"

That snow made me cry with laughter....

And the one thing I'm dreadign when this stunt that changes nothing finally ends is...the return of ShrewLu and the Orginal Unsufferable Carly. Maybe we can keep them locked up in a Toxic Ball infested building at all times?

I like Spinelli, He's charming in an off-putting way, but he also grates on my very last nerve sometimes. Apparently the higher ups love the character and the actor, because I can't see why they don't give some him direction like... uh... "Pull back. You can occasionally use subtlety and restraint while still spouting your Spinelli-isms."

Nope, the brain trust running GH decided that they needed a female version of Spinelli, minus any charm or chemistry with the people she shares screen time with.

I hate this show.

The sucky fake snow has done me in. I can't stop laughing at how bad it is as it sticks to the actors' hair. I don't get how ABC cannot afford proper snow. This is a billion dollar corporation.

Spinelli and Winifred are the horrific. Two of the worse characters babbling nonsense. The only good thing is that the Spinelli fans who hate Winifred, now know how all the people who hate Spinelli feel and have joined us in hell.

I want to believe that GH is at its nadir and can't get any worse, but let's face it, this is Guza, he can always get worse.

Let's hope that if TPTB DO decide to make Maxie pregnant (which is so not a story that I want right now) that she's pregnant with Johnny's baby. They have been a ray of sunshine in the murky waters of WTF?

Thank you, your columns are probably the only reason to even give GH a moment's glance these days...And YES WHY is Luke completely oblivious to the fact that his family is caught by the poison that "could not be contained"! I literally was having this conversation 5 minutes earlier. Thank you! Does he not own a radio, television, or even live within 50 miles within the same zip code (town gossip perhaps?) Did Bobbie happen to not have a shift this day? O wait, she barely exists, at this rate you may as well kill her off and give her a track suit ala Alan--that will be enough for the air time she gets. How is it that Guza is still employed when there are so many TALENTED people out of work...I'm sure many of them are writers *hint to the powers that be*! RIP GH, RIP. LoL

I agree this whole storyline is confusing. I am just watching it out of curiosity. As a person that works in healthcare, the writers have no clue how a hospital staff would handle an in-house, emergency, much less a fire. There is so much I can comment on, I will try to make my comments brief.
* I understand that a soap is not based in reality. However, look at ER, that at times is a serial drama- Their storylines are great and their staff is professional.
* Why doesn't the hospital have a sprinkler system?
* If there are emergency vehicles and professionals outside the hospital, why aren't the firefighters using a cherrypicker vehicle to put out the fire on the higher floors or use it to get the people out through a window on the unaffected side of the hospital?
* Shouldn't Nicholas and Jason be more effective in this situation, since they were in a high rise fire before-the hotel, though there weren't toxins involved. Which makes me think, can't the Powers that Be for GH just write in the storyline that buildings are under renovation rather than burning them down to make the changes i.e. the previous hotel was a shell after the fire and Jax bought it to make it the Metrocourt. Recently an article was written that after this fire storyline, ABC Daytime/GH Producers(?) have decided to give the GH hospital a new look(maybe they will install a sprinkler system). They burnt down Kellys but it is supposed to have the same look when it reopens.
*Lastly, Natalia Livingston wanted out of her GH contract so they kill off her character-and we have to see her lying there dead for days! Anyhow, now that she was unable to find work elsewhere( I am just assuming),she returns to GH as a new character that not only looks like Emily but sounds like her. And everyone notices. However, Sarah Brown comes back to GH and because there is already someone else playing Carly, the writers never write that she resembles Carly, not even when Carly was a bit younger. They only made a brief reference to Sarah Brown being Carly when she did her first scene with Laura Wright. I think Laura as Carly stated that there was something familiar about her Sarah, as Claudia.

I am sorry for the long post. I can go on but I won't. It is just frustrating that the writing is so poor for a show that has such a rich history.

Thank you for allowing me to rant!

I can remember when GH had big crazy events like this, and Robert, Sean and Anna would save the day. You know, people who were trained and assigned to the duty of protecting the public.

WTF does a community think when the mob hitman occasionally saves the town? He's not Robin Hood...he's...I dunno. Mack the Knife? 'Cause this is all ways of screwed up. Sure, Anna and Sean had their shady times, but at least, at one point in their careers, someone gave them a shiny badge!

Of course he set fire to General Hospital. Guza hates anything to do with history, continunity or anything that he himself didn't think of.

So, the GH set that we have all known since forever gets torched. Cause they couldn't have spent the money elsewhere, like, I don't know, rehiring Genie Freaking Francis.

Looking around the soap boards today, the only fans more irate than the GH fans are the AMC fans (those are some ANGRY folks about Reese!)

Worst stunt crisis ever on GH. And that is SAYING something.

Todays show was so dumb, predictable, massively uneven and unrealistic in even the most sensical ways, and horribly written it made my stomach ache.

To add insult to injury Robin's PPD has now become a reason to put Emma in mortal danger and make it all Robin's fault. NICE WORK GUZA... ROT IN HELL.

Yes, it's non-sensical, but I loved the scene in which Sonny burst into the corridor to find his wife, ex-wife, ex-fincee and the woman he dumped and knocked up in high school all there together. That was priceless.

This entire mess is lasting too long and it's time for it to be over. When did it start anyway? I forgot! GH need to stop with the "24" format and leave that to FOX.

Have I finally just gone off my nut, or am I having the completely WRONG reaction that Guza wants me to have with these scenes?

KATE - Please die. Just please, die a fiery frickin' death. Have Olivia push her out of a window, maybe landing in the blades of Jax's helicopter. Can you tell I'm annoyed with Kate? Watching her say "find the DVD" or "I have to get that DVD" or any of the other 5000 variations of sentences with the word "DVD" in it for the past week in that crooked-mouthed way she has has caused me to pull my hair out, leaving small bald patches. Even though, thanks to Sonny, she was shot - TWICE - and was dumped so he could marry a mobster's daughter, she still LOVES him and wants him back. W-to-the-T-to-the-F!

SONNY/TREVOR/ANTHONY/JASON - Surely they can have Trevor fall down and release the "toxic ball gas" into the air and kill them all in one place - right? RIGHT??

REBECCA - The gum-smacking, incessant cell-phone-talking, bad-beret-wearing reincarnation of a character I hated originally is supposed to be exciting for me, right? Oh the possibilities! Like more bad acting, krappy fake laughing and immensely boring scenes with Nikolas! Joy! I'm actually rooting for Nadine and the fucking plow patent at this point!

LUKE/ETHAN- What am I supposed to feel, Guza? Tell me! Excitement that this might be Holly/Robert or Holly/Luke's son? I'm with you guys - couldn't he have been introduced a little LATER? I'd much rather have Luke trying to get to Tracy at the hospital! Of course, he doesn't know what's going on because nobody's cell phones work except Rebecca's, and she has serious QVC shopping or some such shit to deal with on hers, so no hope there.

I have a straight jacket and rubber room calling me....

Hey, look on the bright side; I'm just relieved that they didn't feel the need to show the helicopter crashing with their super special special effects!

"He's charming in an off-putting way..." Danny, that is one snarky oxymoron!

I'm not even paying attention to the Crisis, simply because none of this would have happened if someone had suggested to Matt or Monica that they ultrasound his stomach before cutting him open (you know, just so they aren't going in completely blind).

Unless Ethan is older than Lucky, I'm not seeing him being Luke's kid. If he is older than Lucky, wouldn't he be too old for Lulu (since Lucky was a teenager when she was born)? It's almost as bad as EJ being Will's stepdaddy despite Will being two years older and still a teenager.

Freaking FLOVE your last comment!! And I am also one of those who gets a lil excited when Alexis shows up and we know she ain't dead!!

Loving the improved Lulu and Carly.

I love Spinelli, but who was the whackjob who felt it was a good idea to create Winnifred? It's Bradford that makes this thing work, and using the most annoying cloying parts of the character and sticking it into a female may finally drive me away.

I also am not loving the Johnny and Maxie story. I don't find them refreshing, I find them WTF and anti-chemistry. Why would Johnny fool around with the girl who he knows made the bet with Logan? Does he care anything about Lulu at all? All those little intimate talks that Spin and Maxie had that took over a year to get to the heart of why they act the way they do? We are hearing it all now with Johnny and Maxie one long constant whiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

The Robin PPD story is making my skin crawl. I don't think it's being told well, because I'm not having the sympathy I think I should feel. I just want Mac to go adopt Emma and lock the doors.

I agree with u guys post go F URE SELF GUZA!! the only story that was working during this whole crap was robin's PPD story, and I think he somehow knew that and was shocked cause his other crap wasn't working, and he got pissed so he decided I'm gonna destroy this now and blame Robin for everything, let's see I will start by putting Emma in a tree, then I will move on by making Robin look like she shouldn't be with Emma even after jhonny tells her how sick she is, Yeah that's what I will do make people start hating on Robin and who cares about this PPD cause I am an asshole who just wants to blow things up and cause I have no brain cells and get jelous when people start liking stories and characters I don't like that is when I will work my hardest to screw with them!! I WILL SAY IT AGAIN, HE IS A DICK, FUCKIN BRAIN DEAD ASSHOLE, LOSER WHO NEEDS HIS ASS FIRED. THIS IS FOR U GUZA: FU!!!

"I assume because Bob Guza was all, "Right, right, plot, continuity, yeah, we'll get to that. Tell me...when do we get to blow stuff up?" --Spot on.

-Guza blows up Kellys now GH...Mark my words, next stop, the Q mansion.

-Need to get rid of Sonny's Squad. Now.

-Jason's reaction to seeing Remily. Once again, dumbstruck. What else is new?

I just read the summaries as I am too bored. No sprinkler system, no firemen to see to evacuations, Olivia and Kate are stupid, nobody hogtied Zacharra, and poor Robin is officially a basket case. I don't think Guza likes women...

I want Winifred DEAD too ;)

Right on spot Mallory!! i could not agree more with all that you said in this post. Many of the questions you addressd are the same questions i have had going on in my my head ever since this effed up storyline began.

Seriously though, WTH is up with these scenes of luke and ethan??? What is the point of them?? Are we ever supposed to find out who this Ethan guy really is and what is the purpose of ethan on the show??

oh, and does luke not know what is going on at the hospital? Is he not aware of the well-being of his family?? You would think he would get a clue, but he has not yet.

What gives Guza?? Is he soo brain-dead when it comes to writing for this show??

This whole mess of a storyline is a one huge WTF to me!

Great Post. GH is a complete and utter mess at the moment. It leaves me feeling stupid watching it because I am just not getting what’s going on, its all over the place. What kind of people just sit around and chat all calm like while the building they are in explodes and is on fire should there not be some hysterics and a slap across the face (Preferably Lulu) for someone to get ahold of themselves. Why does this show refuse to acknowledge that it’s a soap and write good soapy material.

The prettiness of GV and BH aside and yes im shallow enough to admit that I could be drawn back into their back burning relationship if it was written well but therein lies the rub. Why ruin months of nice friendship between these two nullify the 'relationships' they have had since breaking up and rush them back together only to have it fall apart in another few months with no character growth on either side. Why does slow build mean nothing to these idiots?

I actually like Maxie and Johnny together as KS makes BB watchable and I think this relationship suits Maxie way better than one with Spin.

Jason as hero = Ryan as hero. Stupid an unbelieveable in both instances.

I find Spinelli to be one of the most annoying characters to ever grace the small screen. The charm has long gone, PLEASE restore his place as second banana and get him out of the 'lead' category.

I find JoMax to display an extraodinary amount of 'anti' chemistry. Their kissing scenes were difficult to watch.

I'm still searching for a character worthy of Maxie's fire, Matt is possible (loved their snarky banter - it was hot!) but they clearly aren't going there.

So much is wrong - but with Frons running ABC daytime is there is no hope.

JoMax is the only thing worth watching right now. They have so much chemistry and potential, I enjoy everything about them. Let's hope the TIIC get this one right.

Well, we have learned that 1)Lulu is bearable when she is as far from Johnny as possible and as close to Tracy as possible. 2)That even though Jason and Sam dumped Liz and Lucky, they make scrunchy sad faces when Liz and Lucky act lovey-dovey, presumably so we will root for a JaSam reunion. 3) That apparently a large flock of geese simultaneously molted over Port Charles. 4) That this is perhaps the suckiest GH crisis ever, and that is saying something.

Amen. How is it that the entire viewing public can see how painfully pathetic and ridiculous this show has become but the people in charge seemingly are clueless?

I just love how Guza was so proud of himself that he had to spout off to anyone who would listen how this would be The Greatest Story Ever Told. And it turns out to be a pile of nonsensical garbage.

The burning down of the hospital itself seems very fitting seeing as the show has been ruined.

LOL I watched a little bit of the show and felt it was written similar to when I was five and me and my four brothers and sisters would make up stories like, "Escape from Land of the Giant Daisies." (We used to watch "Land of the Lost.") I think our stories were more creative.

Anyway, you hit the nail on the head:

"It's like I have two possible reactions to this show: blistering rage or slack-jawed confusion."

My reaction was more slack-jawed confusion. Why is everyone sitting around and chatting? Why is Jason and Sam, Nikolas, Sonny, and all of them just running back and forth down the same hall for hours? Is Rebecca Shaw playing dress-up? My daughter and I laugh hysterically every time we see that trailer with her strange, New Yorky-like accent, "Don't let me buuhhrrn!" It cracks us up every time. LOL And, what are they doing to Robin? I had PPD and one thing that always snapped me to reality was the basic need to protect and keep my children safe. They're making her totally insane now. It makes no sense.

But then... since when has this show made sense? I have to remind myself why do I bother to peek when it's only frustrating.

Oh yes, and I. SAW. ALEXIS! She's still alive - but even her one minute quickie presence only makes me sad and hate this show more. I know it's a tease.

Anyway, great stuff as always. Your site is the only good thing going with GH right now.

Toxic Balls destroy General Hospital pretty much sums up this story for me.

So this was the big storyline Guza had to postpone till now and was unlike any other story ever told. Well I'm glad it's not sweeps b/c instead of gaining viewers I think the storyline is driving viewers away. I can't even watch the show anymore it's become a joke. I just watch the scrubs clips on you tube every night since the only they are the only scenes worth watching. Maybe it's time to bring back that consultant who did the MC storyline. Now that was how you tell a sweeps storyline.

I just love you and the way you so profoundly express the deep conviction I have that Guza should just finish burning Atlanta..., er, I mean Port Charles up and then just disappear. Then maybe my dream could come true of Sri Rao coming in and waving his magic wand to fix the charred history of PC and make all our heart boo-boos better.

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