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« Where Should I Send My Therapist's Bill? | Main | It's A Guza-Ful Life »

February 26, 2009

Kane and Able (To Be Bitchy)

I have a feeling that Charles Pratt realized that he's never going to be the best head writer in All My Children history and, desiring a legacy of some sort, decided to set his sights on being the show's last head writer.

At least once per episode, something happens, whether it's an insane line of dialogue, the implosion of a previously stable relationship or a ludicrous plot twist, and I'm like, "This is seriously the worst thing I've seen on this show in a long time."

Except it's NOT actually a long time; it's more like five minutes (if I'm feeling generous) between each instance of heinousness.


For someone who seems to have insane boundary issues when it comes to her brother-in-law and sister-in-law and a clingy, unhealthy idea of what it means to be a family, Reese sure didn't seem conflicted when it came time to the tough decision of following Bianca back to Paris in hopes of reuniting with her or hanging out in Pine Valley being despised by literally every person who lives there. Her dramatic farewell to Gabrielle had me rolling my eyes so hard that I may have actually sprained them.

Reese: Well, yes. Hello. How are you? Hey, my little angel. Hey, I love you. I love you more than my own life. Yes, I do. And I will always love you. There will always be a piece of you in my heart.

"So I'm just going to love you here, from Pennsylvania, where I have no family, no friends and your aunt plotting my demise every time she lays eyes on me. I love you more than my own life, but I don't love you enough to leave town and follow you! I'm going to miss you so much!"

Her attempts at explaining her choice to stay in Pine Valley were about as half-assed as half-assed can be.

Kendall: Why are you here?

Reese: I -- I came with Adam [Which was a whole different kind of fuckery in and of itself. Why has thou forsaken me, Adam?--Ed.].

Kendall: No, why are you still in Pine Valley? Everyone assumed you would leave.

Reese: Well, then, everyone assumed wrong. I have responsibilities here, I have my contracts, I have building projects, and I can't just walk away from that.

"Life may have proceeded all well and good before I came to town a couple of months ago and got a job because I was engaged to the boss's sister-in-law, but everything would literally crumble if I left. Literally."

And then when Zach dismissed her clingy ass, she had the nerve to get all smug and bitchy!

Zach: Kendall's been through a lot. She doesn't need you breathing down her neck. You understand that.

Reese: Yeah, and you should understand this has nothing to do with either of you. I'm staying for me. Live with it, both of you.

OMFG, is this bitch for real? "I'm staying for me?" She's completely okay with her wife leaving her, her daughters being taken away, being the object of scorn and ridicule, just because...she wants to, and if we don't like it, neener neener?

Also, I AM SO SURE that Pine Valley is so great that a person would lose everything in her life and still refuse to leave. As soon as I laid eyes on Ryan and Krystal, I'd be hightailing it out there faster than you could say "I'm a poorly written plot device".

And when she picked up an unattended glass today and started drinking? WHO DOES THAT? It's like the writers said, "Let's create a character who acts completely the opposite of a functioning human being". And then that led to her spilling the beans to Adam about Kendall driving when Greenlee flew off the road, because why not have her involved in stories that were going just...well, not fine, because the story was awful, but, you know, it was going on without her. UGH.

It's especially disappointing, because I LIKE Tamara Braun. If I saw her out and about, I would buy her coffee and we could sit and talk about the insanity that is this character. In a recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, she had an interview and talked at length about how much she wanted to marry Jesse Hubbard when she was little but didn't want to have to steal him from Angie and I thought that was the cutest thing ever and I wished that I didn't hate her character with a ferocity that makes Sonny Corinthos look stable.


Ryan continues to exhibit absolutely no sense and yell loudly and angrily about everything.

Ryan: It was nobody's fault? It was an act of God? Ok, Jack, you keep telling yourself that. All of you can keep telling yourself that, but don't insult my intelligence, because I know better. And honestly, you should, too.

"You know that I'm God, and this was not an act of me".

And when he confronted Zach, something that happens all too frequently and all too unintentionally hilariously:

Ryan: You have lots of times there, because the odds are Gabby will be alive for you to see her.

Um...that is freaking morbid, for starters, and while odds are high that Gabby will survive until adulthood, there is an almost 100% chance that she will be either maimed or kidnapped before that, because this is Pine Valley after all.

I am bored, and my ears hurt, so I am just about ready for Ryan to discover the next love of his life and move on. Unless he rediscovers that the love of his life is Kendall...which seems increasingly likely...so maybe I should just suck it up and be okay with his grieving. His very loud, very unstable grieving.


What I will not be okay with is the continued Babe mourning. The skank has been dead since October, so why are we still eulogizing her? These are a handful of quotes from this week about her awesomeness:

JR: She was just so happy. She just, like, shimmered


Adam: You've saddled yourself with a gold-digging schemer. Is that how you honor your late wife?

Yes, if by "honor", you mean "replicate that relationship exactly"...

JR: Babe was a remarkable woman




David: Yes, i have. It's good to see you again. You know, I can't help but feel as if I've seen you somewhere before. Were you an actress, by any chance?

Does David recognize Randi from her porn? Because TMI, show. TMI.


Kendall has opted to deal with the horrific ways she was betrayed by pretty much everyone she knows by being a stone cold bitch, which I think is genius, because it's what no one expects from her.

Erica: Well, why don't you have Kendall show you, um, where the suitcases that she packed up with Gabrielle's things in it?

Kendall: I didn't pack her suitcase. I had Rachael do it. Bianca can't miss it. It's sitting right out--

I loved how quickly she was like, "Hell no, I had nothing to do with touching that spawn's stuff".

Bianca: Things have changed. Do you think you'll ever forgive me?

Kendall: Probably, but not anytime soon.

Bianca: But it's not out of the question?

Kendall: Out of the question, no.

Bianca: I want us to be as close as we were. I'm going to be hoping for that. And I'll be hoping for you and Zach, too. He loves you more than anything --

Kendall: I think I hear Ian.


And also, Binks, "Things have changed"? Understatement, although I guess it has a better ring to it than "You hate me because I had your husband's baby behind your back, ostensibly because I wanted the baby to have the same genes as her sister, so both of my daughters are fathered by Cambias men, a family marked by rape and serial murder but that's besides the point".

Zach is decidedly less amused than I am about the new steely bitchy Kendall, though:

Kendall: Sorry. Was I boring you?

Zach: Oh, man, you know what I'm not going to do, Kendall? I'm not going to small-talk with you about mattresses or margarine or anything like that. We're going to talk about not sleeping in the same bed together. We're going to deal with reality.

Kendall: Reality. You want reality?


Kendall: Ok. My brother is dead. I will never see him again. The heart that I have was his. My husband and my sister also made a baby together and kept it a secret from me.

Zach: Can you do me a favor? Can you make this not sound like a grocery list?

Um...maybe it's just me and maybe I am just a little more careful around heart transplant survivors than others, but...really, Zach? With the attitude? What if Josh's heart just gives out? Or what if she loses her steely cool and stabs you? Do you want that to happen?! Dial it back a notch or six.

Kendall: Zach, i know you miss Gabrielle, but I'm sure if you give it time, eventually --

Zach: That I could just what? Get over it? You think it's that easy.

Kendall: None of this has been easy.

Zach: Well, then, stop being so glib about it. Whether you like it or not, and i know you don't, she's my daughter. That's not going to change.

Glib? What the hell, are you Tom Cruise? PUT YOUR MANNERS BACK IN, ZACH.

Like she's so irrational for being unhappy about Gabrielle's parentage. Like she's making a mountain out of a molehill and people just donate sperm to their sisters-in-law and keep it a secret all the time, like it's nothing and ohmigod Kendall, can't you just get over it? It's no big!  

And yes, Kendall is also sometimes childish in addition to being cold, what with purposely leaving Zach out of her speech today (and also leaving out JOSH'S name, what the hell? Are we just pretending he never existed? Did I Dream of Jeannie just blink this heart into existence for her?), but, I don't know, maybe I have my I Heart Kendall blinders on, because I feel like she's totally justified in any rage, pettiness or general misery that she wants to spread! The changes that happened before and during her coma weren't just small changes, her life was COMPLETELY ALTERED and everybody is making her out to be the villain for not sucking it up and adapting quick enough.

Zach: I will always think about her, think whether she's healthy or not, or she's growing or not, whether she's happy or not, what her voice sounds like, what her laugh sounds like, and how beautiful she is. I'm always going to think about that. I know i wasn't supposed to get involved and get attached. But it didn't work out that way. And even now, when she's thousands of miles away, i will always think about her. She'll be right here with me.

Kendall: Well, if you miss her so much, maybe you should go to her. Better yet, find Reese, and take her with you.

Zach: Oh, god. Do you ever listen to anything I say? No, right?

Look, anyone with one functioning brain cell would have known that Zach would get attached to Gabrielle and couldn't just be the donor, so it doesn't say anything for Zach, Reese and Bianca that they didn't think of that sooner. And is Bianca taking the girls to a cave? Will he really never see Gabrielle again and always wonder if she's growing (? Or what, stunted?), happy, and what she looks like? Can Bianca not email pictures?

His scene saying goodbye to Gabrielle was even more painful to watch than Reese's:

Zach: Hello, beautiful. You're always going to be beautiful, aren't you? Boys are going to fall all over themselves. Well, wherever they fall, that's where you'll leave them. All right? Just keep moving. Stop only for the ones that look you in the eye. Don't be sad. We'll pick a hockey team. Huh? Don't even have to pick the Red Wings. Stay in the Western Conference, if you'd like. It's more fun if we disagree. I'm sure we will. Ok.

Gabrielle better grow up to be the most amazing character to hit this show since Erica to justify how many characters and relationships were trashed for her to be born. Who am I kidding, AMC won't be on long enough to see her grow up.

Although if the quality continues to stay at this level, that may not be a bad thing, because I don't know how much more crap I can take. I hate this show, is what I'm saying.


Why is zack having such an attitude with reese like she was pushing up on him as I recall on New Years he was all rubbing up on her he started it and at the wedding rehearsal he pulled reese in for that kiss he even said he wanted to kiss her. He's taking no responsibilty for his actions he's acting like the victim. Everyone is treating reese like crap but what about zach he's no better.

Everyone's treating Reese like crap? Well, good, she deserves it.

With the exception of Babe and Zoe, there has not been a more useless and worst character ever created for AMC. I mean, come on? This crapfest of a storyline was written for TB and has been about Reese, and only Reese from the beginning.

And I am completely disgusted about the whole Zach as baby-daddy twist. One day he's the donor, the next the father. Jesus, can't they keep it straight? And Zach, you need some serious therapy, dude. That baby was supposed to be brought up in France, away from you. Deal with it. Of course, I blame Bianca for this, pushing the kid in Zach Daddy's face every other second, until Kendall woke up.

Oh, my sweet stupid, insipid Bianca! What has Pratt done to you?? He took over from McTavish and completed the destruction, that's what he's done. Asshole.

Again, your commentary is sharp and intelligent, Mallory. I have a serious fangirl crush on you.

There are really confused lesbians out there reese is not the first. I wish people would stop acting like she killed somebody. The worst character in history is brooke logan forrester forrester forrester she has slept with her husband's father( had kids with him) then married his other brother and then slept with his half brother and got pregnant by her daughters husband. Reese is nothing compared to the other sluts in daytime soaps.

Mallory, you've contracted the latest in modern medical ailments. Occular eye sprain due to ABC Daytime viewing that induces excessive sarcastic eye rolling. Send all medical bills along with the previously mentioned psychiatric therapy bills to Frons, Pratt, and Guza.

Babe "shimmered" because she was a baby napping slut with no taste who wore body glitter daily.

I am sure TB is a wonderful human being, the Jesse comments were charming. But after being punished by her characters of Carly and now Reese, I am sure if I ever ran into her I would run away in the opposite direction until I could take a Silkwood shower to cleanse myself of the heinous cooties.

I agree with you mimi. I mean I'm not a big fan of Reese either, but she's not the only one to blame for how everything went down. Zack is partly to blame as well. The fact that he is taking no responsibility and acting like Reese went after him and that he didn't go after her also, makes me angry. Angry cause this show sucks, and angry cause they have destoyed one of the very few couples I actually like on this show. that is truly sad.

"Gabrielle better grow up to be the most amazing character to hit this show since Erica to justify how many characters and relationships were trashed for her to be born. Who am I kidding, AMC won't be on long enough to see her grow up."

First, BWAHAHA. Second, that's kind of sad because it's so true. The brain trust that is ABC Daytime is killing soaps.

"Reese is nothing compared to the other sluts in daytime soaps."

Exactly, she is absolutely nothing compared to likes of Brooke. Brooke is interesting, fun, lovable and hatable all at the same time. Reese is a plot twist, not a character and soaps, good soaps are all about character. The backlash against the character has nothing to do with whether or not she's a confused lesbian it's about the chaos, or drama as Pratt would call it, created by this character, for character and around this character for its own sake. It's inorganic, insulting, insipid and worst of all, uninteresting.

It amazes me that Zach is supposed to be one of the romantic leads on this show, because as far as I can tell, he's just a douche.

I really can't make up my mind as to who is the worst writer, Guza or Pratt. I mean, Guza's a hard act to follow ... what other writer could combine misogyny, ineptitude, character assassination, the attention span of a gnat and skewed morality WITH a demonstrated contempt for the viewers? Well, apparently PRATT can do all of the above and do it in less than a year! I guess we shouldn't be surprised since Pratt says Guza is the "best writer" on daytime. Oh grasshopper! The student has indeed surpassed the "master." (I can't really type master and Guza in the same sentence without gagging a bit though.)

All I know is that I'm with you, Mallory: I hate this show.

So I've only been watching AMC again since Angie & Jesse came back. Before that it was a long hiatus. Like as in I don't think Kendall was even on the show when I had last watched.

The whole mess with her pushing Greenlee toward Ryan despite her being involved with/married to Aidan did not endear her to me one bit. I didn't hate her but I didn't much like her either.

Yet I totally agree that she is justified in her actions and attitude since she woke up. Zach, Bianca, and Reese all deserve her rage for not only making a decision they should never ever have made but for keeping it hidden from Kendall.

Zach's attitude is doing absolutely nothing to help matters either. I routinely find that I just want to punch him in the throat when he speaks to Kendall as if *he* is somehow *her* victim. Or as if she is just being petty for being upset about something that is an enormous violation of her trust.

All I can say is that I'm liking Kendall now far more than I have at anytime since I've come back to AMC.

I checked out of AMC when the news first hit about Bianca having Zach's baby. I tuned back in just to see Greenmeme die, and frankly Kendall's rage is the only thing making AMC watchable right now. I want to see her beat the hell out of *everybody* before this is over. Just take a hockey stick to Zachass, the bug-eyed screamer, Bitchianca, and Erica. Then I want her to pack up her kids, help Annie and Aidan lay some carefully designed explosives around and drive away laughing while Pine Valley burns.

Does Kendall have a right to be angry? Sure. But I also find it interesting that she's taking it this far considering she gave her husband only one day to get over screwing another man. Oh that's right, grief sex is so acceptable 30 seconds after thinking your husband is dead! Get over it Kendall or let your husband go. This stuff isn't fun to watch unless you're a Kendall lover.

It's a heck of a lot more understandable for her to have slept with Aidan while hysterical over Zach's death than Zach having a baby with her sister, because he thought the new girlfriend was cool. No one was dying, missing, needing a kidney...he just thought Reese was cool.

I disagree that Kendall only gave Zach a short time to get over grief sex. Plus, we have to note the difference between a physical and emotional affair. I never condone grief sex, but what Zach did took place over months. And, let's not forget that this was on top of having a secret baby with his wife's sister. Oh, and he shot his wife's brother (which I'm guessing she still doesn't know about? I haven't really been keeping up).

Kendall has EVERY right to her anger, and it's been load of fun to watch. It's about the only thing I've been keeping up with on this crapfest.

BTW: I really want to stay behind Zach and Kendall as a couple, but lately they've been on the verge of imploding. These two need a tropical vaycay.

Wonderful post! I was having a pretty crappy day and reading this made me laugh out loud. Thanks for putting up with this awful show so your readers don't have to.

Zach's attitude with Kendall that she better just suck it up quick and move on is making me hate him more by the day! Yet he acts like her victim because he had to let his spawn of a daughter leave with her mother - exactly how is it Kendall's fault that Zach knocked up her sister and produced a daughter he can't raise?! Zach wanting sympathy for everything he's put Kendall through is blowing my mind....

Thanks for a terrific read. You said it all!


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