The Day's Dumbest Dialogue: Ironically, It Hurts My Heart

We have had few Day's Dumbest Dialogue entries lately.  That seems bizarre, since other than Young and the Restless (which I don't even get to watch), our shows are, on the whole, dumb, and are unfortunately on daily.  But somehow either the individual passages of dialogue aren't the problem, or it's all so bad that nothing sticks out as especially awful.  So leave it to General Hospital to get me riled up enough for the first Day's Dumbest Dialogue of 2009.  Milo and Max's lecture to Diane about heart health raised my blood pressure and, on account of its stupidity, stressed me out about the state of this show.  Probably not what they were going for?

Milo:  Now, most people think of it as a guy thing, but what they fail to realize is that heart disease is the number one killer of women.
Diane:  Milo, I know this!  In fact, it was I last February who reached out to Alexis Davis to educate her –
Milo:  So you know it’s just as important for women to control risk factors.  Stress?  Forget about it.  It’s the worst.
Max:  Yeah, yeah – Diane’s got a lot of stress.
Diane:  Oh, do I?

Milo:  You have to counteract it with exercise and healthy eating.
Max:  Diane’s got an important job.  She can’t spend all day in the kitchen.
Milo:  Well there’s plenty of good stuff that doesn’t take any time at all:  Campbell’s Healthy Request Soups, Swanson Chunk Chicken, Prego Heart Smart.
Diane:  I took a basket of those very items to Alexis.
Milo:  All due respect, Ms. Miller, we’re talking about you.  Your heart, your health.  It’s never too soon to start monitoring both.
Max:  Milo does have good points.  I mean --
Diane:  Which sound suspiciously rehearsed.
Milo:  Oh would you look at that, I’ve got a jar of Prego right here with me.
Diane:  You have GOT to be kidding.

I wish I were kidding that this scene actually occurred on national television.  I wish the writers knew what "heavy-handed" meant and that it is a bad thing.  I wish that they had left well enough alone, since Maxie attending the Campbell's heart-health benefit actually does make sense and is not eyeroll-inducing.  I also wish we could get through a sweeps crisis without Jason ending up as the hero, that there was a single couple on this show that intrigued me, that I had Megan Ward's hair, and that the return to trendiness of light-wash denim was an ongoing hallucination or practical joke.  But now I've drifted away from the topic at hand, which is:  Today on a soap opera I watched a five-minute scene about processed tomato products.  Please study that sentence closely and tell me how anything in it is acceptable on any TV-viewing level, at all.  Thank you in advance for your help. 

Comments

[Izzi]

LMFAO! And the DiMax scene went on in two or three segments and he kept on going on and on, and she kept saying she told Alexis about it ... i guess GH has dumbed us up o sucha point that we need to hear something at least 3 times before we can actually comprehend the message.

[Chad]

It's been ridiculously, painfully heavy-handed over in OLTL too, but from your description I think GH once again managed to take something stupid and make it even worse. Too bad we can't know what some of the ABC Daytime actors have to say about being turned into shills for soup!

If only the writers could be creative like when "30 Rock" was hijacked to sell Snapple. For instance have Lucky out of the blue say, "I only date women who buy Campbell's soup."

[Beth R.]

It's like they got the note yesterday that this Women's Heart Health Month. Which considering they couldn't shoehorn JAson into solving this problem..they probably did just read it yesterday.

[sue]

I was excited to finally see Max and Diane on my screen until they started talking about Prego tomato sauce. I can only imagine what was going through the minds of the actors who had to recite these stupid lines. The product promotion is ridiculous, surely there's a better way to promote Woman's Heart Health Month than this.

[Beth R.]

I will say that the second I heard about these scenes...I knew there would be a Serial Drama post tonight.

[jessica]

I thought it was a joke when I first saw the V8 Spixie scene. Then when Milo/Max/Diane came on I actually started laughing out loud. It's sad to say this but I think the scenes made me LESS inclined to buy any of the products they were pushing! I can't believe money was spent on this and actors actually had to read those lines!!

[Sarah]

GH is TV cholesterol, practically a biotoxin for the soul. Watching it is like eating a dozen donuts and marrying Ike Turner all day every day for decades. I wonder if their pasta sauce in a jar will cure that?!?!?!?!

[Cate]

I thought PSA are supposed to be after the show not part of it. O well, at Carolyn Hennesy and her "Bitch please" expression seem to know how dumb this dialogue truly is.

[the bag lady]

uggggh that was the worst. you're right about the maxi/heart thing, especially because of her own heart history! product placement is usually effective enough, no need to name drop the products you are using. it hurts. why do i keep watching?

[Dia]

And don't forget V8 Fusion! Ugh, I felt so sorry for the actors having to sell their souls, I mean, spew that crap.

[amiejayne]

I am so happy for this post! The supreme idiocy of the DiMax scene spiked my blood pressure as well, and coming here to see that I am not alone was the only cure. Well, if they hadn't actually filmed or aired that crap.... But that's ridiculous. There's no prevention AND no cure for stupid when it comes to this show.

I know you gals don't watch OLTL, and I haven't watched it in months, but I know they've done a Go Red Ball or something like that the past couple years, and it has been terrific. I guess GH blew their budget on rebuilding the set they burned up and can't afford to do more than write lame-o product placement bullshit. What really makes me sad is that after the Diaxis scenes last year, I was actually okay with the Spixie V8 scene today because it was a tad bit more subtle. But then we had Prego Passion Part Two and.... Man, words just fail me. I said the same thing as Jessica last year; I am LESS likely to buy this crap now. For two months after this crap last year, I had to avoid the pasta aisle in the grocery store lest I lose control and start smashing Prego jars in a fit of GH-induced rage.

I do have to say, even though the rest of the episode sucked, and Kate has now lost not only her mind but any charm she had left, I really enjoyed the scenes (however short) of Spixie discussing their relationship. They were very sweet. Too bad she left for work and Jackal-with-a-vagina showed up. This show is decidedly NOT heart-healthy.

[Sarah]

amiejayne you have inspired my inner geek-here is my attempt to brand a couple i hope never becomes realized-so in the tradition of brangelina and lusam.......

jackalgina

[lisbeth]

I too thought it was ridiculous, but I think that is why I liked it. If they are required (for whatever reason) to do product placement, at least they just owned up to it...and did it outright. MUCH better than trying to be sly and never being able to pull it off...V*8 Fusion anyone? Having Diane actually say "You have GOT to be kidding me." Brilliant.

[NEka]

I have to say.. this is actually how soap operas used to be. It tickled my grandmother to see it.

[Beth]

I think they could have run a test pattern with a sign that popped up every few minutes that said, "Hey you! Buy some damn Campbell's products!" It probably would have been a hell of a lot more fulfilling than the hour I spent actually watching GH yesterday.

[Sarah]

OMG! I take it all back. Except the new moniker of Jackalgina, that must stay. Friday's continued schilling of Campbell's products was the highlight of the show. Max's dumb ramblings about soup and pasta sauce did the unimaginable, they made a scene with Jax and Carly, naked in bed no less, tolerable!!!! Sex scenes between the Shebeast Screecher and the Man Formerly Known As Jax usually make me ill and angry, but today not so much. Max and his product pimping saved the day.

Sad but true. So if Guza insists on this vile crap of a show he is so proud of at least he can fill those scenes with goofball product placements.

Like the next scene with Jason and Sonny they can pimp lozenges for Sonny's slackjaw open mouthed duh face, that must cause a sore throat right? Or maybe leather cleaner for Jason's only jacket?

Maybe udder butter jars of cream placement for scenes with Nadine and her ever fascinating plow patent farm story line.

How about antipsychotic medication product placements during scenes with well, all the mobsters.

At least this would make the show profitable again which could do another amazing thing..... keep a Quartermaine or other legacy character from being killed off due to finances.

[jbj]

Honestly, I think the fact that they had Maxie and Diane do these painfully obvious scenes shows how much the writers and directors know how entertaining and talented these actresses are. I honestly wouldn't have watched the scenes if anyone else had been performing them. There was a lot of eyerolling from me, but I laughed too. OTOH, JMB didn't even seem like she was capable of reading the teleprompter properly in her PSA tag.

[Joe Aronson]

I have gone nearly crazy listening to Prego, Campbell & V8 Fusion references on the ABC soaps. I am half-tempted to take them out of my cabinets and throw them away.

What this partnership has effectively done is remove me from the storylines and made me delete each episode from my DVR after I heard the third product placement during each episode.

I love that ABC is doing its best to promote heart health--but PLEASE never do this again. I feel kind of cheated by my characters. Watching Max sit at the end of Jax' and Carly's bed referencing Prego and Campbells made me so amazingly pissed off...I had to come to my laptop and find a message board to vent.

What next? A partnership with Trojans for AIDS awareness?

Picture this:

Blair: Starr baby, the nest time you are intimate with a man I want you to be sure to wear protection.

Starr: Don't worry mom, I have the new Trojan Magnums with reservoir tips handy in my purse. I know they don't prevent other forms of STDs but pregnancy and HIV are sure covered.

[Carolyn]

Embarrassing. And they just HAD to get Max, Milo & Diane to deliver this crap. They are about the only remaining likeable characters on the show and now, thanks to the painful product pushing, they irritate me too!

[the bag lady]

ugh. . .again today, with the prego heart smart.

[Darcy]

"GH is TV cholesterol, practically a biotoxin for the soul. Watching it is like eating a dozen donuts and marrying Ike Turner all day every day for decades. I wonder if their pasta sauce in a jar will cure that?!?!?!?!"

Sarah, LMFAO!!!!

None of the GH 'A-Listers' will shill for the sponsors, so poor Max & Diane had to do the dirty work. Yeah, "Women's Heart Health Month" -- puleeeze! We all TIVO GH, then FF through the commercials, the Mob portions, the Carly rants, the Spinelli segments and...well, most of the show. TPTB @ ABC Daytime are just trying to come up with new (or reverting back to very old) ways to earn advertising dollars. I wouldn't mind -- if the money was spent on BETTER WRITING!!!!

Time to eliminate the Axis of Evil: Guza/Frons/Farren Phelps!!!

[Sarah]

It is so sad that I am still thinking about this....but!

I was kind of thrilled to see that Sarah Brown was forced into pimping the Campbell's shit. She is one of Guza's beloved, so to see her in that scene with Max gave me the evil giggles. MB and SBu didn't have to be product placement whores, so I loved that Sarah Brown had to do the dirty work for all of them!!!

I mean really, to have Claudia all giddy about making Sonny a big romantic celebratory meal out of canned soup, jarred pasta sauce and V8 Fusion to drink was so insane it was hilarious. It was so wrong on every level it almost made sense. It proved everything everything Guza touches turns to toxic balls.

In my fantasy GH Sonny actually had to eat that meal in her heinous company :-)

[Susan]

The dialogue was so bad, I just couldn't stop myself from watching to see how much worse it could get - and it got pretty bad. Then, having to watch poor Max the next day go shopping for Claudia and bring in his groceries and place each item on the table facing the camera for all to see was soooo lame. And I don't even want to think about Diane talking to Jason about it. The more I watch, the more I keep wondering how much worse it can get. My roommate and I have started taking a shot every time V8 or Campbells or Prego is brought up - we're drunk in about 15 minutes which really makes the show a whole lot better!

[Amy]

It's like "The Truman Show" when the wife/GF/whatever regales some product and Truman says, "Who are you talking to?"

Generally Horrible.